Sunday, March 27, 2011
I, the shit-stirrer
Wow. I am a total shit-stirrer. And I didn't even mean to be, really. Not that I care, I'm just saying it wasn't intended. I came across this quote on a ratty bumper sticker, on a dirty Jeep, while in line at a fast food restaurant drive-thru as I sat waiting for my soda. "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." ~ Mohandas Gandhi Now. I thought that was brilliant (duh!) and posted it on the rotten Facebook. Couple comments, nothing major. So my friend, yes, a real one, posts it on her FB page. Holy shit, you would not believe the fallout! Mainly by one guy who happens to be an ultra conservative baptist. Just for shits and giggles I'm going to post HIS comments to that quote. Each paragraph is a new comment. ~ I do NOT like or appreciate that comment. I think it's totally unfair and irrational to lump every single Chrtistian together into one mold and one catatory. I can only hope whoever posted this on your list sees my comment. This is hte same as lumping every white or every black into one catagory and calling all people the same. VERY IMMATURE AND JUST PLAIN WRONG. So has he or she taken the time to spend time with every Christian on this planet? I doubt so. MaryAnn I'm not shooting you but I am surprised you weren't able to see this as I did. ~ Wow, this really has me on fire......I'd love to know who it was. Very narrowminded person. ~ yea but MaryAnn there is a difference between stirring a pot and standing up for waht is right and what you believe in. Do you honestly belive in that statement? Do you personally really believe all Christians are the same and in a negative light? ~ well that's my point exactly, Liz you do NOT classify every single Christian on the planet in the same catagory? That's just absurd. For every one you've met that's negative or hypacritical how many are there that you have never even met? I'm not being rude, or disrespectful but really honeslty? How many Christians are out ther for every one that you didn't like. I've been all over hte countgry and all over the world and its juyst plain INSANE to think every single Christian is bad. ~ Can I ask you all how many states you've lived in? PLease don't tell me your basing this off of an experience in NEO? Please, I've lived like I said, all over the coutnry and have been all over the world. I would really hope people to make this statement has lived in every state in hte union. Otherwise it's just plain childish and redicoiusl ~ Don't worry I'm done, this is the most rediculous coversation I've ever heard. People need to grow up and experience more of what Ohio has to offer before makikng such an insane commedbt ~ My only comment at the end, since he wanted to know who originally posted it an I believe Mr. Gandhi is not available for comment: ~ Well, it made me think and it appears it did the same here. It's a good thing to self-evaluate every now and then. And David, I find it ironic that you are ok spewing forth that I am immature, insane, and just plain wrong (I believe those were some of your words)... judging me for passing on a thought provoking quote by Gandhi. Oh yes, and childish and ridiculous, add those in. Wasn't it YOU who in a recent comment to another person here a few days back said not to judge you because they didn't even KNOW you? Nothing I can do if you are offended. I posted it because I found it thought provoking, not hostility provoking. ~ You know, his response kind of points right back to the quote itself? Obviously the quote goes far deeper but this is an example. And this is why I often find people who claim to be the most devout (just ask, they'll tell you) are often so quick to judge. If your religion teaches you to be kind and forgiving, I don't recall fine print that says unless someone says something you don't like, so why the hostility? That would have been a great opportunity to prove that some people literally do practice what they preach. On David's count: EPIC FAIL! I will say that I did go to high school with him but I doubt he even knows who I am. I had a friend that adored him so I HAD to hear about him all the time, lol. He's a decent guy. I can tell by his typing that the quote had him in an uproar. It hit a nerve. Oh well. Put on your big boy pants - life is like that. This is why I love blogland and barely tolerate facebook. Anyone that reads this that thinks I'm full of shit will no doubt tell me, but they won't sound like an emotionally wounded lunatic. I love you blogland and my beautiful, articulate, intelligent bloggers that can actually make a point and have a conversation. (Sorry, lost formatting and tried to adjust for paragraphs with ~ but meh, not working.)
Friday, March 18, 2011
It's a sad day when a celestial star no longer shines
I knew the time was coming, but I didn't think it would arrive so quickly.
Today was my cat Benny's last day. The sarcoma increased four times in size over the past two weeks and was invading both the thoracic and abdominal cavities. His lymphatic system was also beginning to malfunction. I could have fought for a few days more with him, but I put him first. He didn't deserve to be in pain, so I let him go today, before he crossed the line from being uncomfortable to suffering. They were amazed how quickly the sarcoma was growing.
As a youngster (maybe 7-9 months of age) he was left behind when my neighbors moved. They even threw his cat carrier out in the trash on the side of the road. I found him coming around and walking through the flowers with such joy that I had to like him. He was skittish but I saw the idiots left a plastic flea collar on him that would have to be removed before it strangled him or cut into him causing infection and possibly death. So that was the end of that. At that time, I had my rabbit (Chessie) and in the summer I would make a fantastic bunny condo for her so she could stay outside and eat fresh clover, moving her every few days. This young cat found it necessary to patrol the perimeter and chase away even a squirrel should it come too close to her. He was rather comical so I named him Benny, after a radio character 'Ben Klingston, Mall Guard'. As he adapted to life as a young adult, you could easily call him a killing machine... which is when I added his middle name Orion after Orion the Hunter.
Until one day he got sick. Some sort of upper respiratory infection that would wax and wane. In time we learned that he was Feline Leukemia positive. He spiked terribly high fevers for days that had me placing ice around him. Eventually he got better and after a few months, we tested him again and miraculously he was Felv-! Another test was done and proved that he actually fought off the virus. The vets all said that they had heard of it happening but never saw it. He was their little miracle cat. But not long after, it was apparent that the high fevers caused some neurological damage. I remember posting a picture here of when he literally shredded my wrist just prior to a job interview. Eventually he was placed on phenobarbital for the aggression but his other symptoms persisted and there was simply nothing to be done about phantom pains. So about two weeks ago we found a protrusion below the rib cage. It was really the beginning of the end.
Eight and a half years is too soon. I will always feel like I didn't do enough for him. That I didn't protect him, even though I know that there are some things you just can't protect against. He is now buried overlooking the stream where he used to hunt bullfrogs (go figure!). For the first time since he was a little over a year old, he is free of his ailments. For that, today is a good day.
For as many times as I threatened to end his life with my own hands during his bad years, I will miss him terribly. Goodnight my little 'Beenie'; time to guard Chessie again.
.. >^.^< ..
Friday, March 11, 2011
I am an island
Sometimes I find it very difficult being me. Or rather, the sort of person that I am. I am so at odds with myself that daily living is a constant struggle. I suppose I've gotten used to it for the most part. But there are times that I just want to hide.
I had to make a choice recently and I believe I've lost a friend over it. A friend of ~13 years. Now, this friend and I have a history of my life not fitting into her standards. She comes from a big family that actually likes one another. Her health is great. She has a great house (her boyfriend's) and then her boyfriend who loves her. She has friends that she grew up with and is still in contact with those from college. Her job is about as secure as you can get these days and she gets paid more than I do to play on Facebook all day...
If you've ever paid attention to anything I've said, you know that is just about the opposite of my life. Though she has been rather tolerant, last year we had this falling out over my health (or lack thereof) being an issue and being the reason I canceled things we'd planned. She's right. Although I can't see how I'm supposed to drag myself out for a night at the bar or a picnic when I'm sick. I could. And often I did, but she never really knew. So this coming weekend is her birthday but this past weekend was a surprise celebration. The night before I'd confirmed with our mutual friend but the day of the event I was sick. I had to cancel. She thought we were just meeting after she went to dinner. I tried to explain the severity of the situation but considering that I had all but stopped telling her anything about my health since the last argument, she really didn't get it. We planned to go to lunch the next day and I left a voicemail message but pretty much just got a terse reply via email. Sent another email yesterday but haven't heard a word.
Is it my fault that I cancel? Yep. But you know what? I don't like that being the situation. It's also hard for me to drive almost an hour and a half one way being in pain, just to sit around and NOT even have a drink (which I'd be getting all kinds of shit over) because I have to drive an hour and a half back. And I'm leaving out some nasty details, too. She probably thinks that I don't think she's important enough to find the time to spend with her but that's not it. But I can't defend myself anymore. And I don't want to be a shitty friend to her, but I can't be there like she wants me to be. I won't be trying to contact her again. She knows where I am. I understand her point of view and can't fault her for it.
But when I get bitchy and say things referring to me separating from other people, no one really needs to judge me on that. This is proof, once again, that I really am not good enough to hold up any sort of relationship from my end. That is something that I have to adjust to. Mostly I have, but then I get this urge to be sociable and it all falls apart. I distance myself because in the end, it happens anyway. Might as well be on my terms.
It's odd. I don't consider myself lonely (probably because I've conditioned myself to not want people to be close) but I do feel very alone. Not that it's totally unpleasant, it's my goal, really, but it is just something I notice.
I had to make a choice recently and I believe I've lost a friend over it. A friend of ~13 years. Now, this friend and I have a history of my life not fitting into her standards. She comes from a big family that actually likes one another. Her health is great. She has a great house (her boyfriend's) and then her boyfriend who loves her. She has friends that she grew up with and is still in contact with those from college. Her job is about as secure as you can get these days and she gets paid more than I do to play on Facebook all day...
If you've ever paid attention to anything I've said, you know that is just about the opposite of my life. Though she has been rather tolerant, last year we had this falling out over my health (or lack thereof) being an issue and being the reason I canceled things we'd planned. She's right. Although I can't see how I'm supposed to drag myself out for a night at the bar or a picnic when I'm sick. I could. And often I did, but she never really knew. So this coming weekend is her birthday but this past weekend was a surprise celebration. The night before I'd confirmed with our mutual friend but the day of the event I was sick. I had to cancel. She thought we were just meeting after she went to dinner. I tried to explain the severity of the situation but considering that I had all but stopped telling her anything about my health since the last argument, she really didn't get it. We planned to go to lunch the next day and I left a voicemail message but pretty much just got a terse reply via email. Sent another email yesterday but haven't heard a word.
Is it my fault that I cancel? Yep. But you know what? I don't like that being the situation. It's also hard for me to drive almost an hour and a half one way being in pain, just to sit around and NOT even have a drink (which I'd be getting all kinds of shit over) because I have to drive an hour and a half back. And I'm leaving out some nasty details, too. She probably thinks that I don't think she's important enough to find the time to spend with her but that's not it. But I can't defend myself anymore. And I don't want to be a shitty friend to her, but I can't be there like she wants me to be. I won't be trying to contact her again. She knows where I am. I understand her point of view and can't fault her for it.
But when I get bitchy and say things referring to me separating from other people, no one really needs to judge me on that. This is proof, once again, that I really am not good enough to hold up any sort of relationship from my end. That is something that I have to adjust to. Mostly I have, but then I get this urge to be sociable and it all falls apart. I distance myself because in the end, it happens anyway. Might as well be on my terms.
It's odd. I don't consider myself lonely (probably because I've conditioned myself to not want people to be close) but I do feel very alone. Not that it's totally unpleasant, it's my goal, really, but it is just something I notice.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
So there's this guy.
And no, not 'that' kind of guy. Just a guy that I came across based on a comment or two we'd made online. We've sent a few emails back and forth and he's an interesting fellow. And there is no hidden meaning in that. The thing that I really enjoy about communicating with him is that he is so well spoken. He has knowledge of the language, forms his thoughts well, and it just reminds me how I've let things slip. Don't get me wrong, he is just as comfortable letting a string of fucks fly out of his mouth, but it is his ability to be an effective communicator that is interesting to me. Most likely when our current topic of discussion has met it's end, we'll just go separate ways, and that is fine with me. It was just nice to be reminded that people can surprise you. And slightly surprising that that particular quality in him had me realizing that it was noticably absent from my life. I live in the land of double negatives and careless grammar where 'So don't she' actually means 'So does she.' If I compare almost any post now to what I may have written 4 years ago, I can see my decline. So this was a nice surprise. And a subtle reminder that I need to get back to a level of communicating that makes me feel comfortable. Interesting how a few conversations about fairly ordinary things actually highlight that.
For the record, I don't use double negatives. I've not sunk that low. Eesh.
For the record, I don't use double negatives. I've not sunk that low. Eesh.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
I'm a total fucking whack job
Seriously. I think I need to be sedated on an ongoing basis. It's the only way I can figure to keep myself from getting into enormous trouble or eventually being the recipient of a bullet to the head.
I have reached new lows in tolerance. For anything. I hate everything and have no qualms about shooting my mouth off. Except for the very peculiar bouts of 'niceness' I've interspersed amongst all the chaos. I've been mean and hurtful to friends, family, and I could be in huge trouble at work because I butted heads with a senior head nurse. Truth be told, she's a fucking idiot and I have no idea how she has managed to keep her job all these years. No seriously, my boss ended up doing her projects because the work she produced was so substandard that it would have gotten a patient killed. So yeah, she has earned that. But it doesn't matter. I should have been able to keep it together... this was work... but I couldn't. All of this hatred and anxiety and stress is just leaking out. I will explode. I'm not seeking that out, it really is just a matter of time. I am truly at a point where I can see how people grab a gun and go on a roof. If I let this all get the best of me at work, where I could still lose my job because of this, then I've got a problem. That was my last stronghold; I could always keep it together at work.
I might see if I can take some time off and go on vacation. I need a break and I'm really starting to think that if I don't do something that I will have ruined things. I mean, in the end, if I lose my job, then I find another one. The problem remains the same: my reactions to any stress. Losing my paperclip is akin to wrecking my car. That is in me, not at my place of employment.
This is my place to be honest. You all know quite a bit about me and so I can sound off here without holding back much. I do have a facebook account and I don't say everything that is going on in my life. Often I'll post a song, and that is as close as it gets ~ but even thought I've known some of them longer, you guys know me better. They don't see me opening up my heart and soul (hmmm, not sure I have either, anymore) so they assume life is grand. Part of it is me because I'm far too private to be on a social networking site. Here, it's different.
Irregardless, there is a change going on and I am separating myself from normal emotions. Dulling everything. Most likely because I'm overwhelmed, but somehow working daily at the task of blocking out most feelings. Because of that lack of feeling, I have no reason to fear the outcome of things that I say or do. How can there be much of a consequence if you don't care if people leave you alone? Of course I assume there is a part of me that cares or I wouldn't be writing this.
Sometimes it sucks to know yourself just well enough to wish you didn't.
I have reached new lows in tolerance. For anything. I hate everything and have no qualms about shooting my mouth off. Except for the very peculiar bouts of 'niceness' I've interspersed amongst all the chaos. I've been mean and hurtful to friends, family, and I could be in huge trouble at work because I butted heads with a senior head nurse. Truth be told, she's a fucking idiot and I have no idea how she has managed to keep her job all these years. No seriously, my boss ended up doing her projects because the work she produced was so substandard that it would have gotten a patient killed. So yeah, she has earned that. But it doesn't matter. I should have been able to keep it together... this was work... but I couldn't. All of this hatred and anxiety and stress is just leaking out. I will explode. I'm not seeking that out, it really is just a matter of time. I am truly at a point where I can see how people grab a gun and go on a roof. If I let this all get the best of me at work, where I could still lose my job because of this, then I've got a problem. That was my last stronghold; I could always keep it together at work.
I might see if I can take some time off and go on vacation. I need a break and I'm really starting to think that if I don't do something that I will have ruined things. I mean, in the end, if I lose my job, then I find another one. The problem remains the same: my reactions to any stress. Losing my paperclip is akin to wrecking my car. That is in me, not at my place of employment.
This is my place to be honest. You all know quite a bit about me and so I can sound off here without holding back much. I do have a facebook account and I don't say everything that is going on in my life. Often I'll post a song, and that is as close as it gets ~ but even thought I've known some of them longer, you guys know me better. They don't see me opening up my heart and soul (hmmm, not sure I have either, anymore) so they assume life is grand. Part of it is me because I'm far too private to be on a social networking site. Here, it's different.
Irregardless, there is a change going on and I am separating myself from normal emotions. Dulling everything. Most likely because I'm overwhelmed, but somehow working daily at the task of blocking out most feelings. Because of that lack of feeling, I have no reason to fear the outcome of things that I say or do. How can there be much of a consequence if you don't care if people leave you alone? Of course I assume there is a part of me that cares or I wouldn't be writing this.
Sometimes it sucks to know yourself just well enough to wish you didn't.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
So, I am coloring my hair. Mundane, right? Exactly!
I just want to do something normal. I watched television today, that's kind of a normal thing. Not for me, but for most people. I'm trying to latch onto the boring things so I can think of those things when all hell breaks loose. A diversion tactic (to be called upon in the future) if you will. Of course me coloring my hair can be compared to giving Tesla unharnessed electricity. I mix it myself and play with the color all the time. It could be turning green at this moment for all I know. Meh. Still, it would certainly fulfill the diversion tactic status.
As usual, let me just blurt this shit out and get it off my chest. Or at least some of it. This whole drug thing was awful. I was able to sweat (something everyone aspires to share in a blog post, no?) minimally and this would indicate that the damage is reversing although it will take a while. Know how they tell you NOT to leave your dog in the car when it's hot because they can't really sweat to cool themselves? Truly, don't do it. If you do, you don't deserve a pet and also - that is what was happening to me. (Plus all the other effects, but this could have been life threatening.) Well, except I'm not a dog. So point is.... it is getting better and that is wonderful. Never thought feeling like my normal crappy self would be a thing I'd be grateful for but I was so wrong!
Minor irritation - $1000 in car repairs. Approximately the first $400 was to make it go and the second ~$600 was to make it stop. I find that very ironic and really quite funny. It's a machine, things wear out. I don't want another car so I fixed it, done deal. Still, the timing was just bad.
On a very sad note, my cat Benny is very sick. The kind that can't be fixed. He has a fast growing sarcoma that has attached itself to the lining of his rib cage and is therefore overtaking his chest cavity and upper abdomen. It grew inside his ribcage where it was not noticeable until the day it bulged out of the bottom. Kind of feels like a brain looks, but very hard. It is basically strangling him internally. His lungs are already filling with fluid. He is 8.5 years old. He is the cat that was leukemia positive and beat it, but this is not at all related. Beating feline leukemia was honestly miraculous and seen so infrequently that the three vets he sees at this clinic had only heard of it happening, but never saw it. He has had seven years that we never thought he would. Still, I find myself sick with the thought of knowing that I will be digging a hole in the wretched snow and frozen ground ~ which is what I did around this time last year for Isabella. He's holding his own but it's day to day. The moment he exhibits respiratory distress, the only thing I can do it let him go. He has suffered more than his share. Knowing all of this, it weighs heavily on me. I am at peace with it, but I just can't understand how so much can happen to one animal. I'm sure I'll write a post when the day comes and the aforementioned comment will become clear. Doc said max 6 weeks (a week ago) but I think we're dealing with less time.
So maybe then I'll think about watching television. Or coloring my hair.
As usual, let me just blurt this shit out and get it off my chest. Or at least some of it. This whole drug thing was awful. I was able to sweat (something everyone aspires to share in a blog post, no?) minimally and this would indicate that the damage is reversing although it will take a while. Know how they tell you NOT to leave your dog in the car when it's hot because they can't really sweat to cool themselves? Truly, don't do it. If you do, you don't deserve a pet and also - that is what was happening to me. (Plus all the other effects, but this could have been life threatening.) Well, except I'm not a dog. So point is.... it is getting better and that is wonderful. Never thought feeling like my normal crappy self would be a thing I'd be grateful for but I was so wrong!
Minor irritation - $1000 in car repairs. Approximately the first $400 was to make it go and the second ~$600 was to make it stop. I find that very ironic and really quite funny. It's a machine, things wear out. I don't want another car so I fixed it, done deal. Still, the timing was just bad.
On a very sad note, my cat Benny is very sick. The kind that can't be fixed. He has a fast growing sarcoma that has attached itself to the lining of his rib cage and is therefore overtaking his chest cavity and upper abdomen. It grew inside his ribcage where it was not noticeable until the day it bulged out of the bottom. Kind of feels like a brain looks, but very hard. It is basically strangling him internally. His lungs are already filling with fluid. He is 8.5 years old. He is the cat that was leukemia positive and beat it, but this is not at all related. Beating feline leukemia was honestly miraculous and seen so infrequently that the three vets he sees at this clinic had only heard of it happening, but never saw it. He has had seven years that we never thought he would. Still, I find myself sick with the thought of knowing that I will be digging a hole in the wretched snow and frozen ground ~ which is what I did around this time last year for Isabella. He's holding his own but it's day to day. The moment he exhibits respiratory distress, the only thing I can do it let him go. He has suffered more than his share. Knowing all of this, it weighs heavily on me. I am at peace with it, but I just can't understand how so much can happen to one animal. I'm sure I'll write a post when the day comes and the aforementioned comment will become clear. Doc said max 6 weeks (a week ago) but I think we're dealing with less time.
So maybe then I'll think about watching television. Or coloring my hair.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I live.
I simply do not communicate. I mean, I do, but... just some swirly days, folks. I've missed coming here. My communication has been limited to Facebook (where I rarely use the message feature nor do I keep my 'chat' on). Emails are climbing in number and sometimes I just delete pages at a time. The main reason for my absence was that I'd started a new med (for a sleep disorder) and the side effects were too much to handle. I had to try to push past it, and then the bitch of it was, you can't just quit the med, I had to continue taking it for another week and a half even after it tried to cook me. No really, it did ~ it fucked with my endocrine system and I was overheating. Bad news, this drug. So I'm officially OFF those little bitches. It will still take some time to get rid of side effects as it is meant to stay in your system for a long time, but most of the mental clouding and confusion is gone. What's left is just all me. ;) It's been a really rough 5 weeks. And you just don't get a break, it's IN you. Hmmm. Kind of like ALIEN. Just smaller and white. And more evil.
So. Now that I can actually open the heating vents in my room without fear of triggering the inability to exchange oxygen, life seems better. Although life still goes on and it has me with my hands full. Hopefully when I browse around blogland I can catch up at least a little.
So. Now that I can actually open the heating vents in my room without fear of triggering the inability to exchange oxygen, life seems better. Although life still goes on and it has me with my hands full. Hopefully when I browse around blogland I can catch up at least a little.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Ok, here's one to add to my 'Kick the Bucket' List...
Yeah, yeah, I know - I'm all Suzy Sunshine about things, right? But really, hear me out - this truly won't take long. See, everyone has a now-popular Bucket List, which is a list of things they would like to do before they die. Now. Given that I'm, well, me... I have a Kick the Bucket List. This is a list of things that I've narrowly escaped or just hope that now that I lived through it once, that evens up my quota so I hopefully won't have to do it again.
Today I have a new entry. Today, I choked. Not choked as in 'it went the wrong way and I'm dramatically coughing', I mean I was choking in the way that my food was thoroughly lodged and I could not breathe through my mouth OR my nose. Which I'd like to add is really creepy. By the time it donned on me that I could not handle this alone, I finally got my pharmacist's attention. The other tech said my face was bright red and I was feeling very weird - I figure the weird feeling was more from panic than lack of oxygen. Like a champ he calmly asked me if I was choking, spun me around, and after two attempts of the Heimlich Maneuver, I was breathing. In addition, a lovely wad o' food had gone airborne and splatted on the floor and yeah, there was pee on my leg. Heh. He squeezed hard. That definitely goes on my KTB list!
Given that we are often eating in a hurry, or in separate rooms or left alone - this really could have had a bad ending. He really did save me. I told him I was new at choking and being saved so I really didn't know what I was supposed to say. The three of us laughed about it later (and I was the ringleader because face it, sometimes the worst situations are funny) but I still feel like I need to build him a shrine or something.
Right as I was turning to put my back to him I had this odd thought. It could have been my last conscious thought prior to extracting the offending wad o' food, and I'd like to say that it was odd because of a lack of oxygen to the brain, but nah, I think it's just me. I thought, 'oh shit, he going to be touching me, very closely... is there anything I have to worry about? Like a water-filled bra that might explode'?! I don't even OWN one of those! WTF?!
So there's another entry for my Kick the Bucket List!
Today I have a new entry. Today, I choked. Not choked as in 'it went the wrong way and I'm dramatically coughing', I mean I was choking in the way that my food was thoroughly lodged and I could not breathe through my mouth OR my nose. Which I'd like to add is really creepy. By the time it donned on me that I could not handle this alone, I finally got my pharmacist's attention. The other tech said my face was bright red and I was feeling very weird - I figure the weird feeling was more from panic than lack of oxygen. Like a champ he calmly asked me if I was choking, spun me around, and after two attempts of the Heimlich Maneuver, I was breathing. In addition, a lovely wad o' food had gone airborne and splatted on the floor and yeah, there was pee on my leg. Heh. He squeezed hard. That definitely goes on my KTB list!
Given that we are often eating in a hurry, or in separate rooms or left alone - this really could have had a bad ending. He really did save me. I told him I was new at choking and being saved so I really didn't know what I was supposed to say. The three of us laughed about it later (and I was the ringleader because face it, sometimes the worst situations are funny) but I still feel like I need to build him a shrine or something.
Right as I was turning to put my back to him I had this odd thought. It could have been my last conscious thought prior to extracting the offending wad o' food, and I'd like to say that it was odd because of a lack of oxygen to the brain, but nah, I think it's just me. I thought, 'oh shit, he going to be touching me, very closely... is there anything I have to worry about? Like a water-filled bra that might explode'?! I don't even OWN one of those! WTF?!
So there's another entry for my Kick the Bucket List!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
You know why Christmas bothers me?????
Because I don't know what I believe. I don't. Do I really believe this story that has essentially been passed down for thousands of years, supposedly accurately? Shit - you ever play that game 'telephone'? You can't get 10 people to pass on one simple story and have it end up the same but I'm supposed to fully and unquestioningly believe all this? Right.
Add to that the fact that 'my' Christmas is January 7th! My family is from eastern Europe and I was raised Greek/Orthodox/Byzantine Catholic. Yeah, the strict one - can't you tell? Now, my own family uses those three words interchangably so I really don't know what I'm supposed to technically follow. All I know is that there is an additional slanted bar on 'my' cross and the churches are ornately beautiful. We never shook hands or hugged our 'neighbor' or even acknowledged one another for that matter. We were all sinners, hung our heads, many wore black with black scarves and we sung hymns in Slovak. (On Easter we would literally crawl on our knees with hands clasped together in prayer the entire way up to the alter thingy for communion. Not shitting you. The entire way, on a tile floor, on your knees. Sickos, they were.) Yep, we were a pretty fuckin' happy lot.
And now some dipshit thinks it's a grand idea for me to string lights and shop and sing carols and be jolly. Fuck your jolly right out your ass. I hate the freezing cold, I hate trodding through two feet of snow, I hate some of my family and if I have to see one more store employee with a jingle-bell santa hat or hear Jingle Bell Rock one more time I'm gonna cut someone. I have less than a week to finish shopping for people that I recently punched in the face... how senseless is THAT?! But I have to - thems the rules of this here Christmas shit. Then I get to buy food for a lovely celebration where I will most likely have to beg every cell in my brain to not punch the aforemetioned individual in the face yet again if this holiday goes like many others.
Give me back my gloomy eastern European faith that was housed in a slightly crumbling, ornately gilded church; the one where my grandfather rang the bell with a thick, old rope. I want my black veiled and shrouded elders singing off key in a language I never knew but could recite perfectly for hymns. Give me back my family dinners, the ones where only the people you really wanted to be there were there. Where traditional foods were prepared and the special dishes used. There were even candles that were used only for that day, year after year.
I can't say that I believe anything about my religion any more now than I did then. I question too much. Essentially, I was excommunicated from the church as a child. I still went, I just didn't really count if you were being technical. I don't know what I believe but any bit of tradition has been replaced by things that mean even less and an influx of hideous holiday decor in October. Seriously? Does anyone need to be bombarded with all the glitterfuck that early?! I do not begrudge anyone their beliefs or their desire to run around like an elf on crack, baking and shopping and wearing cutesy appliqued sweaters. What I would like is to just be left to do what I do. I can appreciate what others have put into their decorating and such, I just don't feel the need to do it myself. Not now.
The traditions, the people, the gloominess of it all, really. I miss that. To me, those candles were Christmas. And the bean soup made once a year only for Christmas, that, too. I have my moments when I'm ok with this kind of Christmas, but every year I realize that what I consider to be the important part of the holiday is so deeply steeped in tradition that the remainder has fallen away and there is simply no way for it to ever be again. Sometimes it bothers me that clarity can come so late after the fact.
But seriously, no more Jingle Bell Rock or someone is going to be extracting those bells out of unmentionable places. I will leave you with this... probably my favorite traditional carol redone by a modern band. The vocals are amazing. Not surprisingly, this is probably my second favorite and they do a great job! Give them a listen or you'll risk the wrath of the wayward jingle bell...
Add to that the fact that 'my' Christmas is January 7th! My family is from eastern Europe and I was raised Greek/Orthodox/Byzantine Catholic. Yeah, the strict one - can't you tell? Now, my own family uses those three words interchangably so I really don't know what I'm supposed to technically follow. All I know is that there is an additional slanted bar on 'my' cross and the churches are ornately beautiful. We never shook hands or hugged our 'neighbor' or even acknowledged one another for that matter. We were all sinners, hung our heads, many wore black with black scarves and we sung hymns in Slovak. (On Easter we would literally crawl on our knees with hands clasped together in prayer the entire way up to the alter thingy for communion. Not shitting you. The entire way, on a tile floor, on your knees. Sickos, they were.) Yep, we were a pretty fuckin' happy lot.
And now some dipshit thinks it's a grand idea for me to string lights and shop and sing carols and be jolly. Fuck your jolly right out your ass. I hate the freezing cold, I hate trodding through two feet of snow, I hate some of my family and if I have to see one more store employee with a jingle-bell santa hat or hear Jingle Bell Rock one more time I'm gonna cut someone. I have less than a week to finish shopping for people that I recently punched in the face... how senseless is THAT?! But I have to - thems the rules of this here Christmas shit. Then I get to buy food for a lovely celebration where I will most likely have to beg every cell in my brain to not punch the aforemetioned individual in the face yet again if this holiday goes like many others.
Give me back my gloomy eastern European faith that was housed in a slightly crumbling, ornately gilded church; the one where my grandfather rang the bell with a thick, old rope. I want my black veiled and shrouded elders singing off key in a language I never knew but could recite perfectly for hymns. Give me back my family dinners, the ones where only the people you really wanted to be there were there. Where traditional foods were prepared and the special dishes used. There were even candles that were used only for that day, year after year.
I can't say that I believe anything about my religion any more now than I did then. I question too much. Essentially, I was excommunicated from the church as a child. I still went, I just didn't really count if you were being technical. I don't know what I believe but any bit of tradition has been replaced by things that mean even less and an influx of hideous holiday decor in October. Seriously? Does anyone need to be bombarded with all the glitterfuck that early?! I do not begrudge anyone their beliefs or their desire to run around like an elf on crack, baking and shopping and wearing cutesy appliqued sweaters. What I would like is to just be left to do what I do. I can appreciate what others have put into their decorating and such, I just don't feel the need to do it myself. Not now.
The traditions, the people, the gloominess of it all, really. I miss that. To me, those candles were Christmas. And the bean soup made once a year only for Christmas, that, too. I have my moments when I'm ok with this kind of Christmas, but every year I realize that what I consider to be the important part of the holiday is so deeply steeped in tradition that the remainder has fallen away and there is simply no way for it to ever be again. Sometimes it bothers me that clarity can come so late after the fact.
But seriously, no more Jingle Bell Rock or someone is going to be extracting those bells out of unmentionable places. I will leave you with this... probably my favorite traditional carol redone by a modern band. The vocals are amazing. Not surprisingly, this is probably my second favorite and they do a great job! Give them a listen or you'll risk the wrath of the wayward jingle bell...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Momma always said life was like a box of random... you never know what I'm gonna pull outta my ass
Although I may be somewhat misquoting Mr. Gump there. ::cough::
So, I took a little break. Wanna know why? Of course you couldn't give two shits but you are probably reading this at work and, well hell - let's admit, reading this crap is still better than actually working.
Said I felt tired and incredibly irritable (yes, more eratic than usual). So, come to find out my Ferritin level is doing the 'how low can you go' limbo, I'm now anemic, and my vitamin D level is just about as low as anyone has seen. Next week I see the hematologist so he can ask me numerous questions ensuring I haven't been exposed to Anthrax or Mad Cow then set me up with some iron and high dose vitamin D. I would like that. Then I may not feel like I'm struggling just to breathe. Seems like an easy fix... YAY ME!
I found a goose. He was in the road looking around and I got out to move him - at 10:30pm. Next thing I know I'm driving with a goose in my lap in the dark just hoping it didn't latch onto my lip... those fuckers can be mean. We had a good conversation though - I explained my love of all things canadian to him and he, by default, fell into that category, being a Canada goose by design. Sadly, he did not make it but I tried. Man, he was awfully warm and soft... I totally 'got' the goose-down thing then, but I didn't tell him! Driving with a grown goose in your lap is hard. Really hard - makes turns almost impossible because you have to hold their wings down with even pressure or all hell will break loose. These are my normal nights.
For the first time in my life I punched a guy in the face. Or anyone, for that matter. We were crossing over into sexual assault territory and I gave him three options. 1: back off, 2: keys in my left hand are about to swing up and clock you in the face, 3: I will punch you - in the face. After he pinned me back, I managed to get loose and yelled at him to back off. He kept saying 'ok' but coming for me again - so I hit him - right in the mouth. Nice way for your cousin's husband to treat you, isn't it? Any surprise I feel really awkward at family gatherings?
Found a job, applied for a job, had a phone screening session. They should have notified me by Thursday if they wanted me for an interview, but I've heard nothing. A bit disappointing but in truth, the job may be a bit above me, you know. It's ok - I got out there and TRIED! I'm breaking the chains of my current employer. And if they don't watch their step, I may punch them, too...haha.
Lastly, I just have to comment on something I saw when I was doing some internet shopping. For those unawares, SPANX is a line of lightweight, smoothing undergarments made to really make you look good in your clothes. Needless to say, all women want that, right? But, being a chunky monkey myself, I really do benefit from this fantastic invention. The model they used, however, seems to have forgotten to eat for the past 8 months. Minimum. And they use HER to show how this product works?! Seriously?! What in the hell does SHE have to suck in?! They HAD to have had it pinned in the back... her fucking hip bones stick out so far she could double as a sundial fer crissakes! Now. Personally I happen to think she is too thin. But that isn't the point. She may be healthy and happy... and almost see-through. The point is that she is modeling an item used to suck in extra pounds. Oh puh-lease...
This just really pisses me off. And you wonder where both men and women get warped views of their body. If this 92 pound darling is in need of a modern girdle, so to speak, then what must the average person think of themselves? Sorry, but they could have used a model that looks like she's at least eaten something in the past few months. Her thighs have a canyon-like gap that is not natural. I can usually get beyond this, but when I know how people internalize this, it angers me. I've been in stores and overheard ~11 year old girls talking about how fat their thighs are... and they are little, scrawny 11 year old girls.
Well, that's all the random coming outta my ass tonight. Hope to browse around blogland tomorrow so I can catch up.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Is it 'practicality in spades' or a case of 'I'm stingy'
Stingy. Stingey? I think it's the former. Anyway.
With the holidays come all the sales. Doesn't even matter if you participate in the holiday or not, the sales and general shopping will be shoved down your throat. Sideways.
For just about the last year, my camera has been dead. I don't know whether I thought I could resurrect it because it is currently sitting on a table in my bedroom (collecting dust). It is dead. It has been dead. It will never see life again while in my hands. Yet, there it sits. So anyway - a few days ago I snooped on the internet and bought a nice little 12.2 mp that seems like it will be great for my needs. And will certainly be better than my cell. But the point is, I bought it.
Now, with all these crazy sales, I should be getting myself a computer. Mine is six years old and has been ridden hard and put away wet, so to speak. I'm going from a desktop to a laptop. Eeeeventually. I already bought my mom one for christmas and gave it to her - she loves it. This would be a good time to get myself one. This pc of mine has really earned the right to rest. But instead I'm preparing to renew my virus protection on it in the next day or two.
The new iPod Touch 4th generation is out - which I really want, but don't need. I've seen some great navigation pieces (Garmins and Nuvis and such) but again, that's a want, not a need. Besides, I can still read a fucking map and have excellent navigational skills plus common sense for most travel situations. I wouldn't even mind buying a used one - I'm not one of those people that will have these items attached to me at all times.
But I'm getting away from myself. My mother is not working and struggling with basic bills. I help her as much as possible without offending her. I know I have to change jobs and most likely living quarters, so I need to be wise about how I'd fund that. So I got my camera and in a way that was kind of a big step because the cell 'would do'. Even though it doesn't, know what I'm saying? When the pc dies, I'll swear alot and get a new one then, unless there happens to be an utterly brilliant deal on one tomorrow (Cyber Monday).
My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and would use something until it fell apart - fearing that another would not be readily available. I am not at all that severe in my behavior but I almost feel like something is wrong with me in this disposable/upgradable society, and at this time of year, because I try to not be wasteful nor do I feel the need to run out and upgrade to the next cell or iPod the minute the new one comes out. Ok - the camera thing was just lazy, plus I looked numerous times and just didn't see anything I liked.
So because I can say 'no' to a nifty little gadget, is that practical or stingy? I think I want it, but it may end up tossed at the bottom of my purse like so many other things. I have the money for it. For all of them. But it just doesn't seem like a smart choice. Except the laptop, if I get something that will be first.
Ick - holidays. My sensibility goes into overdrive.
With the holidays come all the sales. Doesn't even matter if you participate in the holiday or not, the sales and general shopping will be shoved down your throat. Sideways.
For just about the last year, my camera has been dead. I don't know whether I thought I could resurrect it because it is currently sitting on a table in my bedroom (collecting dust). It is dead. It has been dead. It will never see life again while in my hands. Yet, there it sits. So anyway - a few days ago I snooped on the internet and bought a nice little 12.2 mp that seems like it will be great for my needs. And will certainly be better than my cell. But the point is, I bought it.
Now, with all these crazy sales, I should be getting myself a computer. Mine is six years old and has been ridden hard and put away wet, so to speak. I'm going from a desktop to a laptop. Eeeeventually. I already bought my mom one for christmas and gave it to her - she loves it. This would be a good time to get myself one. This pc of mine has really earned the right to rest. But instead I'm preparing to renew my virus protection on it in the next day or two.
The new iPod Touch 4th generation is out - which I really want, but don't need. I've seen some great navigation pieces (Garmins and Nuvis and such) but again, that's a want, not a need. Besides, I can still read a fucking map and have excellent navigational skills plus common sense for most travel situations. I wouldn't even mind buying a used one - I'm not one of those people that will have these items attached to me at all times.
But I'm getting away from myself. My mother is not working and struggling with basic bills. I help her as much as possible without offending her. I know I have to change jobs and most likely living quarters, so I need to be wise about how I'd fund that. So I got my camera and in a way that was kind of a big step because the cell 'would do'. Even though it doesn't, know what I'm saying? When the pc dies, I'll swear alot and get a new one then, unless there happens to be an utterly brilliant deal on one tomorrow (Cyber Monday).
My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and would use something until it fell apart - fearing that another would not be readily available. I am not at all that severe in my behavior but I almost feel like something is wrong with me in this disposable/upgradable society, and at this time of year, because I try to not be wasteful nor do I feel the need to run out and upgrade to the next cell or iPod the minute the new one comes out. Ok - the camera thing was just lazy, plus I looked numerous times and just didn't see anything I liked.
So because I can say 'no' to a nifty little gadget, is that practical or stingy? I think I want it, but it may end up tossed at the bottom of my purse like so many other things. I have the money for it. For all of them. But it just doesn't seem like a smart choice. Except the laptop, if I get something that will be first.
Ick - holidays. My sensibility goes into overdrive.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
When I do it, I do it up GOOD!
Unfortunately, in this case we're talking about vomiting. This body does not readily vomit. I will be sick and suffering beyond belief and yet nothing happens. So the finger goes down the throat and I envision licking the sink (or toilet... depending on where I'm hanging my head) and that's all it takes. Really gross yet terribly effective. Well. The stomach jinnis attacked me today and there were, to put it kindly 20+ head-hanging episodes. All I will say is that I will NOT be eating hummus for quite a while (shame) and I've now learned what happens to cheese when it sits in your stomach for a good 12 hours undigested. It really doesn't change much...
Now I'd like to go to bed and my neighbor is apparently having a battle-of-the-bands at his house. Really poor timing. Pretty sure I can sleep through it anyway.
I've ordered a new camera so maybe within the next few weeks I can get some new random pics. I miss doing that. Also, with a little tweaking, I think I'm going to like this new template on here.
Now I'd like to go to bed and my neighbor is apparently having a battle-of-the-bands at his house. Really poor timing. Pretty sure I can sleep through it anyway.
I've ordered a new camera so maybe within the next few weeks I can get some new random pics. I miss doing that. Also, with a little tweaking, I think I'm going to like this new template on here.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Spoiler Alert, haha
There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I mean, I knew this and have said it on different occasions, it just seems to be culminating in this chaotic vaccuum at the moment.
Given some time and planning I think I'll be leaving. I mean everywhere. No forwarding address. For some reason I can't interact with others. Nothing will ever be right with me. These are things I can't change and for as many years as I've been alive, no one has found a way to help me.
I'll leave, reinvent, and struggle again - just in a new place with new people. Maybe I can learn to keep my distance and my mouth shut. Or maybe just one. I can't keep going on hurting people I care about, and even myself. If I can narrow down the list, then I will have met with success.
Something is just wrong and I don't think there is a way to fix it.
Given some time and planning I think I'll be leaving. I mean everywhere. No forwarding address. For some reason I can't interact with others. Nothing will ever be right with me. These are things I can't change and for as many years as I've been alive, no one has found a way to help me.
I'll leave, reinvent, and struggle again - just in a new place with new people. Maybe I can learn to keep my distance and my mouth shut. Or maybe just one. I can't keep going on hurting people I care about, and even myself. If I can narrow down the list, then I will have met with success.
Something is just wrong and I don't think there is a way to fix it.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Second in a series on 'the life and times' of LiVEwiRe
I wrote the previous post first because I knew it would be easier and because I didn't really know what to think about the topic I'm going to write about now. Funny thing is, I still have no idea. But I'm making progress. As I see it, I've got to blurt it out so I can really see what I think. I know there are few people reading this blog these days and I don't think anything I say is really going to shock anyone. If it does, well, so be it. I'll be damned if I'll apologize for the level of odd in my life to anyone.
Background - go here.
And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I had an appointment to get test results. On the bright side I guessed immediately that the doc ruled out lung cancer when he walked in, hugged me and immediately kissed me. Yep - full on, just like last time. This man is interested in me. I do not know of anyone, ANYONE, who has been to any medical appointment where their doctor has given them a lingering kiss four times in less than 20 minutes. Or at all, for that matter. (Still, no molar licking, thank god - this is pretty much awkward enough.) Out of that time, about five minutes was spent with him having his hands behind my head - so our faces were really close. He made comments to me and I knew that he was trying to gauge my response - he wanted to know my interest level. As in, would I consider additional smooching outside work - haha.
So, here's the question - would I? Like I said in the other post, I've had this harmless crush on him for years. I don't think he's available. But I don't know. His circumstances may have changed. I never really thought he'd be so, so, intimate (?) during my appointment. I will say, in his defense, that he addressed the situation at hand, discussed another medical concern with me. He listened to my heart and lungs with not so much as a hint of inappropriate behavior - he was total business. We talked about a diagnosis given to me by another doc and he really gave me some good insight. He was the professional he is paid to be.
So where does this switch come into play? He's made it clear that he's interested. Oddly, he even commented on the fact that he sees me on the nursing floors all the time and commented on my rapport and outspoken nature with the nurses. Ok... so does this mean you're listening and paying attention when I'm around? I told him flat out that I've seen him many times and opted to not bother him because he looked busy. I was respecting his profession and responsibility to his patients. But he knew I was there.
Here's the deal. I do like this guy. In general, I mean. All I have to do is suggest coffee or something like that and it's on. And I don't know if I want that because I don't know his status. I would totally go have a cup of coffee with him even if he is still married - that isn't a big deal, married people do have friends. But even if it's just a cup of coffee, he's a physician... a specialist in the area. Very well known. That simple act could cause him serious grief. The most I'd lose is my job and we all know how I feel about my job. But I have to be ready if he insinuates he's interested in more. Just to say - when I left the exam room he gave me another hug - full body, like last time. Apparently he was really, really happy to see me. And yes, that's what I mean.
I have never had any grand scheme to 'land a doctor'. (Although given my something-always-going-on state of health it would be convenient, lol.) Whether you sweep floors part time or are an astrophysicist, I really don't care. I don't want anyone's money or status. If I like you, I like you.
Perhaps I'll tell him we should meet for coffee sometime and leave it at that. Let him take it from there. Nothing has to happen and I'm not sure either one of us would want anything more to happen. Granted, it was clear that he was pretty glad to see me, but sometimes that's all it is. I do have a feeling that all I'd have to do is say the word and clothes would be on the floor. Really, his behavior was pretty bold, yet he's not a pushy guy. I don't need to be anyone's second in line. Won't be. I'd just like to get the chance to truly talk to him over coffee and see what he's like.
I have to laugh. I really do. It's a bit of an awkward laugh, but I'm finding some humor nonetheless.
Background - go here.
And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I had an appointment to get test results. On the bright side I guessed immediately that the doc ruled out lung cancer when he walked in, hugged me and immediately kissed me. Yep - full on, just like last time. This man is interested in me. I do not know of anyone, ANYONE, who has been to any medical appointment where their doctor has given them a lingering kiss four times in less than 20 minutes. Or at all, for that matter. (Still, no molar licking, thank god - this is pretty much awkward enough.) Out of that time, about five minutes was spent with him having his hands behind my head - so our faces were really close. He made comments to me and I knew that he was trying to gauge my response - he wanted to know my interest level. As in, would I consider additional smooching outside work - haha.
So, here's the question - would I? Like I said in the other post, I've had this harmless crush on him for years. I don't think he's available. But I don't know. His circumstances may have changed. I never really thought he'd be so, so, intimate (?) during my appointment. I will say, in his defense, that he addressed the situation at hand, discussed another medical concern with me. He listened to my heart and lungs with not so much as a hint of inappropriate behavior - he was total business. We talked about a diagnosis given to me by another doc and he really gave me some good insight. He was the professional he is paid to be.
So where does this switch come into play? He's made it clear that he's interested. Oddly, he even commented on the fact that he sees me on the nursing floors all the time and commented on my rapport and outspoken nature with the nurses. Ok... so does this mean you're listening and paying attention when I'm around? I told him flat out that I've seen him many times and opted to not bother him because he looked busy. I was respecting his profession and responsibility to his patients. But he knew I was there.
Here's the deal. I do like this guy. In general, I mean. All I have to do is suggest coffee or something like that and it's on. And I don't know if I want that because I don't know his status. I would totally go have a cup of coffee with him even if he is still married - that isn't a big deal, married people do have friends. But even if it's just a cup of coffee, he's a physician... a specialist in the area. Very well known. That simple act could cause him serious grief. The most I'd lose is my job and we all know how I feel about my job. But I have to be ready if he insinuates he's interested in more. Just to say - when I left the exam room he gave me another hug - full body, like last time. Apparently he was really, really happy to see me. And yes, that's what I mean.
I have never had any grand scheme to 'land a doctor'. (Although given my something-always-going-on state of health it would be convenient, lol.) Whether you sweep floors part time or are an astrophysicist, I really don't care. I don't want anyone's money or status. If I like you, I like you.
Perhaps I'll tell him we should meet for coffee sometime and leave it at that. Let him take it from there. Nothing has to happen and I'm not sure either one of us would want anything more to happen. Granted, it was clear that he was pretty glad to see me, but sometimes that's all it is. I do have a feeling that all I'd have to do is say the word and clothes would be on the floor. Really, his behavior was pretty bold, yet he's not a pushy guy. I don't need to be anyone's second in line. Won't be. I'd just like to get the chance to truly talk to him over coffee and see what he's like.
I have to laugh. I really do. It's a bit of an awkward laugh, but I'm finding some humor nonetheless.
Well hot damn, I got a makeover! But that still doesn't trump my day.
Truth is, this day has been so odd that I will have to break it into two posts. Which, given the order these are being typed, you'll see that disclaimer after reading the other, which will show as the first but actually be the second. Technology is a slippery bugger.
Ok, I went to my cousin's birthday party at the bar where she works. Since I had to work, I didn't get there til 10:30pm, well after the majority of partygoers were slurring and hanging on one another. Meh, that's how it is there. Cousin's hubby likes me. Alot. More than he should. And I'd appreciate it if he didn't try to slip his hands down inside the back of my jeans. He's a nice guy, I actually do really like him as a person - he's got a good heart. It's just those wandering hands he needs to work on. Trying to hang out and talk (everyone, mind you) means you have to lean in close to hear over the DJ. Hands trying to wander in shirt. You get the idea. He told me when I first got there that he just is really attracted to me and finds me incredibly sexy, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ok, obviously this is true because he's been trying to get with me for years. Apparently he forgets he's married to my cousin. I cannot say a word to her. Long story but it would end up being my fault, even if I told her so that she knew what he was doing. Tough situation for me to know that she's in and she doesn't even know she's in it. Perhaps I have to face the fact that some people have odd interactions in their relationships and that it isn't my business. Except that it is because he's all over me. I'm artful in getting out of it and avoiding anything that would seem out of the ordinary to the casual onlooker. Problem is, one day there will be more than a casual onlooker.
But I went, as promised and had an ok time. One shot, one beer and that was it. Stayed a couple hours and drove a drunk friend home. I can't say I miss those days. For the record, grape vodka sounds a hell of alot better than it tastes.
So the night ended, no hard feelings. I'm starting to recognize others as the flawed individuals that they are... that we all are. That I am. It makes it easier to remind myself that I am just as flawed and have no room to judge. I may not like it and have every right to avoid it or speak my mind, but no ones stupid flaws (as such) should overshadow the good they are capable of and live everyday. Does it make it slightly shady and kind of shitty? Sure. But we're all human and that is just what we do.
Happy birthday 'cuz! xoxo
Ok, I went to my cousin's birthday party at the bar where she works. Since I had to work, I didn't get there til 10:30pm, well after the majority of partygoers were slurring and hanging on one another. Meh, that's how it is there. Cousin's hubby likes me. Alot. More than he should. And I'd appreciate it if he didn't try to slip his hands down inside the back of my jeans. He's a nice guy, I actually do really like him as a person - he's got a good heart. It's just those wandering hands he needs to work on. Trying to hang out and talk (everyone, mind you) means you have to lean in close to hear over the DJ. Hands trying to wander in shirt. You get the idea. He told me when I first got there that he just is really attracted to me and finds me incredibly sexy, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ok, obviously this is true because he's been trying to get with me for years. Apparently he forgets he's married to my cousin. I cannot say a word to her. Long story but it would end up being my fault, even if I told her so that she knew what he was doing. Tough situation for me to know that she's in and she doesn't even know she's in it. Perhaps I have to face the fact that some people have odd interactions in their relationships and that it isn't my business. Except that it is because he's all over me. I'm artful in getting out of it and avoiding anything that would seem out of the ordinary to the casual onlooker. Problem is, one day there will be more than a casual onlooker.
But I went, as promised and had an ok time. One shot, one beer and that was it. Stayed a couple hours and drove a drunk friend home. I can't say I miss those days. For the record, grape vodka sounds a hell of alot better than it tastes.
So the night ended, no hard feelings. I'm starting to recognize others as the flawed individuals that they are... that we all are. That I am. It makes it easier to remind myself that I am just as flawed and have no room to judge. I may not like it and have every right to avoid it or speak my mind, but no ones stupid flaws (as such) should overshadow the good they are capable of and live everyday. Does it make it slightly shady and kind of shitty? Sure. But we're all human and that is just what we do.
Happy birthday 'cuz! xoxo
Friday, November 19, 2010
If I told you what I wanted to say, you'd think I was nuts
More accurately, it would solidify your near-perfect hunch that I'm nuttier than you already believe me to be. So I'm going to talk about something else. A few something elses.
I made plans to meet with a girl that I used to be best friends with for a couple years in high school. Lost all contact for many years until a family member ran into her and say, 'Hey, aren't you so-and-so?' and so goes the story. We communicate by facebook grunts and I finally figured shit or get off the fuckin' pot! So we're meeting for coffee this weekend. Whatever. It's either fun or it's not - I'm ok with it either way. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter if it's a one time deal or not. Then I think I'm going to dinner with another friend, got invited to a bar with yet another friend, and will be going to my cousin's drunken birthday bash in just about 22 hours. They will be drunk, I'll be getting off work. I could really pass on almost all these things (and should because I have so much to do around the house) but that's the easy way out. I'm sure I'll do at least two of the four things - that's still awesome for me. Last week I went to dinner and two parties. What on earth is going on here, people?!
This past week and a half to two weeks have been a bit stressful as far as health goes. One more set of big test results tomorrow - hope I pass with flying colors. I'm not really worrying though, because what is, already is. No use in wondering 'what if'. Hoping this particular saga is ending but I still have to retest in six months from last week's saga. I don't mind talking about it, just not yet. No need to put it in my mind before bed. Like I said, what is, is.
Oh, I know what else... guess what I saw a couple days ago? No, come on - a real guess. Well, perched high atop a deadwood, I saw a bald eagle! Yay me! This is the third time I've seen one over maybe 3-4 years but still, it is amazing. It's hunting season - I wish I could hide it from all the yahoos out there that'd like to mount it on their wall but I can't. There is something special about seeing them so close to home, just hanging out.
Lastly, my kitty saga goes on. The little booger I picked up roadside? Well, he's back with me (long story - I'll spare you) but supposedly has to stay outside - the enclosed patio only with bad weather. Well, he's already sneezing and horking and gagging and has quite the lovely runny eye. Fuck. It's clear, so it may not be an infection - perhaps an allergic reaction to all the crumbling leaves and mold outside. He really doesn't have much of an immune system in that respect. So I've got to decide whether to medicate, which isn't the bad part. The bad part is that if he can't stay out because he's always sick, I have no idea what to do. This was his last option before euthanasia. We'll see.
And I'm back in touch with my half sister again. Which I still can't grasp.
And somehow the holidays are coming up. ::sigh::
I guess I just had to say these things somewhere, somehow. Only so much can build up in my head without a release.
I made plans to meet with a girl that I used to be best friends with for a couple years in high school. Lost all contact for many years until a family member ran into her and say, 'Hey, aren't you so-and-so?' and so goes the story. We communicate by facebook grunts and I finally figured shit or get off the fuckin' pot! So we're meeting for coffee this weekend. Whatever. It's either fun or it's not - I'm ok with it either way. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter if it's a one time deal or not. Then I think I'm going to dinner with another friend, got invited to a bar with yet another friend, and will be going to my cousin's drunken birthday bash in just about 22 hours. They will be drunk, I'll be getting off work. I could really pass on almost all these things (and should because I have so much to do around the house) but that's the easy way out. I'm sure I'll do at least two of the four things - that's still awesome for me. Last week I went to dinner and two parties. What on earth is going on here, people?!
This past week and a half to two weeks have been a bit stressful as far as health goes. One more set of big test results tomorrow - hope I pass with flying colors. I'm not really worrying though, because what is, already is. No use in wondering 'what if'. Hoping this particular saga is ending but I still have to retest in six months from last week's saga. I don't mind talking about it, just not yet. No need to put it in my mind before bed. Like I said, what is, is.
Oh, I know what else... guess what I saw a couple days ago? No, come on - a real guess. Well, perched high atop a deadwood, I saw a bald eagle! Yay me! This is the third time I've seen one over maybe 3-4 years but still, it is amazing. It's hunting season - I wish I could hide it from all the yahoos out there that'd like to mount it on their wall but I can't. There is something special about seeing them so close to home, just hanging out.
Lastly, my kitty saga goes on. The little booger I picked up roadside? Well, he's back with me (long story - I'll spare you) but supposedly has to stay outside - the enclosed patio only with bad weather. Well, he's already sneezing and horking and gagging and has quite the lovely runny eye. Fuck. It's clear, so it may not be an infection - perhaps an allergic reaction to all the crumbling leaves and mold outside. He really doesn't have much of an immune system in that respect. So I've got to decide whether to medicate, which isn't the bad part. The bad part is that if he can't stay out because he's always sick, I have no idea what to do. This was his last option before euthanasia. We'll see.
And I'm back in touch with my half sister again. Which I still can't grasp.
And somehow the holidays are coming up. ::sigh::
I guess I just had to say these things somewhere, somehow. Only so much can build up in my head without a release.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Just a word relating to privacy and modern times
Eventually I caved and got a Facebook account this summer. I use it to get updates from musicians regarding cd release dates, concerts... I use it to get updates from stores, parks, businesses and local points of interest so that the information comes to me, I don't have to find it. Of course I play a couple of games now and then and comment on friends' walls as well as send the occasional message.
Now. My settings are minimal as far as who can see what. It's limited to friends and there are less than 50. In Facebook terms I might as well not even have a page because of that. Truth be told, that's too many for me. I have JUST allowed a pic of me (other than in Halloween garb) to be tagged with my name (consequently, only my first and middle names - not my last name, so no one can really search me). Everything appears to be blocked right where I want it to be blocked.
I just found that in two instances, a former friend (that doesn't really get the 'former' thing) has somehow been able to comment on comments I've made on a mutual friend's wall. Now. I am supposed to be invisible to him unless we are on a common page (think Pepsi or Volkswagen). All my settings hold. We know several of the same people. At this point I told our mutual friend that I will not be commenting on anything she says as I do not want this guy up my ass. If I did, he'd be one of my friends on Facebook. I've ignored his request.
Yes, it may seem like an overreaction, but it really isn't. If HE can see me, who else? I've made my life's work maintaining anonymity for safety reasons. It is now a habit I will most likely never break. There were people I had to hide from. Still people that I don't want finding me and for very good reason. Yet somehow this weasly little fucker can see me? If he sees my comments elsewhere and comments on them, I'll have no option but to delete all the people on my account and just keep the public pages.
If that doesn't work, I'll delete the whole account - it's not that big of a deal. Just a few adjustments I'd have to make. And this is precisely WHY I put off dealing with Facebook for so long. Nothing is private, even when it appears to be. There is always some glitch or override mechanism that will expose you.
This is why I like it here. It feels much safer. Why I thought I'd be ok with using a social networking site in the way it was intended is beyond me. Perhaps my pared down version will be better. I do not do well with my privacy being breached. Geez - look how long it took me to put up a pic on here! And it's dark at that.
One day I shall be a hermitess... With a blog. ;)
Now. My settings are minimal as far as who can see what. It's limited to friends and there are less than 50. In Facebook terms I might as well not even have a page because of that. Truth be told, that's too many for me. I have JUST allowed a pic of me (other than in Halloween garb) to be tagged with my name (consequently, only my first and middle names - not my last name, so no one can really search me). Everything appears to be blocked right where I want it to be blocked.
I just found that in two instances, a former friend (that doesn't really get the 'former' thing) has somehow been able to comment on comments I've made on a mutual friend's wall. Now. I am supposed to be invisible to him unless we are on a common page (think Pepsi or Volkswagen). All my settings hold. We know several of the same people. At this point I told our mutual friend that I will not be commenting on anything she says as I do not want this guy up my ass. If I did, he'd be one of my friends on Facebook. I've ignored his request.
Yes, it may seem like an overreaction, but it really isn't. If HE can see me, who else? I've made my life's work maintaining anonymity for safety reasons. It is now a habit I will most likely never break. There were people I had to hide from. Still people that I don't want finding me and for very good reason. Yet somehow this weasly little fucker can see me? If he sees my comments elsewhere and comments on them, I'll have no option but to delete all the people on my account and just keep the public pages.
If that doesn't work, I'll delete the whole account - it's not that big of a deal. Just a few adjustments I'd have to make. And this is precisely WHY I put off dealing with Facebook for so long. Nothing is private, even when it appears to be. There is always some glitch or override mechanism that will expose you.
This is why I like it here. It feels much safer. Why I thought I'd be ok with using a social networking site in the way it was intended is beyond me. Perhaps my pared down version will be better. I do not do well with my privacy being breached. Geez - look how long it took me to put up a pic on here! And it's dark at that.
One day I shall be a hermitess... With a blog. ;)
Monday, November 01, 2010
Forty Six and 2
It started with a bit of flirting. The kind that has no basis, just that you are all in a room together and you've all been talking long enough so that when one ever-so-slightly suggestive comment is made, various people pipe up with their come backs. Just that kind.
There was some slight escalation and I got this super quick, really light (almost not there) kiss from this guy. Kind of surprised because I really get the idea that over the past couple years that I've been vaguely acquainted with him, that he really doesn't care to even be around me. No big deal because I think he's kind of an ass from what I know, which isn't much.
Maybe an hour or so later we were clearing things to clean up from the party and he made a comment about it being a good time to give me my official halloween kiss. I could see where this was going but I let it go there. He was my experiment. A few escalating kisses later and I sort of gently pushed him away explaining that we'd better get down there with everyone else.
I felt nothing. Not one single thing. At all. That's why I called him my experiment. He's quirky, has fun stories, is attractive and is all muscle because of his job (still an ass, but an interesting one, at least). You'd think some kiss time with this guy would illicit some sort of response, even given his tendency to be an ass. Something. But nope. Nothing. I think I've dulled my senses (in that respect) to the point of near non-existence. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But what I can tell you is that when the day comes that my senses do respond, I'm going to be in big, big trouble.
Because it will either work or it won't and I'm equally frightened. Good experiment tonight - and I never, ever saw that one coming!
There was some slight escalation and I got this super quick, really light (almost not there) kiss from this guy. Kind of surprised because I really get the idea that over the past couple years that I've been vaguely acquainted with him, that he really doesn't care to even be around me. No big deal because I think he's kind of an ass from what I know, which isn't much.
Maybe an hour or so later we were clearing things to clean up from the party and he made a comment about it being a good time to give me my official halloween kiss. I could see where this was going but I let it go there. He was my experiment. A few escalating kisses later and I sort of gently pushed him away explaining that we'd better get down there with everyone else.
I felt nothing. Not one single thing. At all. That's why I called him my experiment. He's quirky, has fun stories, is attractive and is all muscle because of his job (still an ass, but an interesting one, at least). You'd think some kiss time with this guy would illicit some sort of response, even given his tendency to be an ass. Something. But nope. Nothing. I think I've dulled my senses (in that respect) to the point of near non-existence. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But what I can tell you is that when the day comes that my senses do respond, I'm going to be in big, big trouble.
Because it will either work or it won't and I'm equally frightened. Good experiment tonight - and I never, ever saw that one coming!
Monday, October 25, 2010
And there you are nailing good to a tree
I don't consider myself more sensitive than most. Or less sensitive for that matter. At least when it comes to things like getting a 'feeling' or 'sense' about something. I'm usually buzzing along at too high a frequency to actually sense it. In the times that I was more sensitive, it was always directly correlating to me being completely separated, (blank mind/autopilot, if you will) therefore I could just react without all the clutter in my head getting in the way. It was only in hindsight that I realized it.
So for the past couple of weeks I can feel something. I have no idea what it is, but it has begun. The air is charged around me and I can feel it. Imagine a drop of water splashing from a stream high atop a mountain. It's path altered by a gust of wind... it's new path set in motion. Everything that happens from that moment on will culminate here... with me. From the moment the water splashes, to the wind rerouting the drops, the leaf it lands on, etc... you know the drill. But it's like I can feel every single bit of anticipation mounting. And I know it's coming. Eventually.
I don't sense bad, nor good - I simply sense it. Period. I wonder but I'm calm. It is in motion. I have nothing to say in the matter just to know I'm the last stop.
I am curious.
So for the past couple of weeks I can feel something. I have no idea what it is, but it has begun. The air is charged around me and I can feel it. Imagine a drop of water splashing from a stream high atop a mountain. It's path altered by a gust of wind... it's new path set in motion. Everything that happens from that moment on will culminate here... with me. From the moment the water splashes, to the wind rerouting the drops, the leaf it lands on, etc... you know the drill. But it's like I can feel every single bit of anticipation mounting. And I know it's coming. Eventually.
I don't sense bad, nor good - I simply sense it. Period. I wonder but I'm calm. It is in motion. I have nothing to say in the matter just to know I'm the last stop.
I am curious.
Friday, September 24, 2010
One Day All This Could Be Yours
Right now it's just this song and a dead stare. Thank you to all who contributed.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A lesson learned. Sort of.
It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am shutting off my feelings, distancing myself from real human interaction and staying in my head more. If you understood the extent, you might be surprised. I can play the game but in my mind, things always stop short. Because I make them. I wasn't always like this. Sometimes it serves it's purpose though. If I were to let out what I've pent up for so long, I'm rather sure it would be my complete undoing. For now, emotional shutdown is a really good option. That's all.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A new, and hopefully singular, experience
Last night, I met my first known murderer. I did not know this at the time but found out shortly thereafter. I'd seen him the night before and when he saw me, he seemed to get even more agitated. (I DO bring that out in people...) But as I was on the psych ward, that isn't uncommon - patients begin to have a comfort zone and when people they aren't familiar with come in, they tend to get their hackles up - it's something new being thrown at them. I get it. I respect it.
But last night he made a beeline for me. Stopped short a foot of me and it began, this broken semi-lucid nonsensical truth. I knew I was dealing with the one sort of person that scares me most - an unmedicated (or undermedicated) schizophrenic. No answer you have is right. They literally hear what they will, visual and auditory hallucinations override reality. All sensory perceptions are off. It is the disorder, not the person. Nonetheless, they frighten me. I answered him very carefully because I sensed this was the issue - I had no idea who he was or why he was there. It is simply my job to go up and provide medications for the patients, not to judge them.
When I went back up to the floor, he got agitated again. It could be anyone or it could be that I remind him of someone. He was asking if he could have someting to cut his fingers off and leave them on the counter. Loudly - he wanted me to hear. He tries to get my attention.
I knew he was a danger but I figured it was aggression/unpredictablity - I had two sizeable men (staff) on either side of me and that was a tip off. One escorted me out. I learned that this patient had just murdered someone in front of a child. When he leaves the hospital, he goes to the court and will be sent to one facility or another. I didn't want details. I didn't care. His own doctor broke down and sobbed after explaining this to the patient. The patient really doesn't have full comprehension of what happened. He is 31 years old.
My heart breaks for him, because he could not get the help he needed. Schizophrenia is no joke. Read up on it. And now someone has died. Been murdered, in front of a child that will live with that every day. Sometimes, I really think I need to get out of this field.
But last night he made a beeline for me. Stopped short a foot of me and it began, this broken semi-lucid nonsensical truth. I knew I was dealing with the one sort of person that scares me most - an unmedicated (or undermedicated) schizophrenic. No answer you have is right. They literally hear what they will, visual and auditory hallucinations override reality. All sensory perceptions are off. It is the disorder, not the person. Nonetheless, they frighten me. I answered him very carefully because I sensed this was the issue - I had no idea who he was or why he was there. It is simply my job to go up and provide medications for the patients, not to judge them.
When I went back up to the floor, he got agitated again. It could be anyone or it could be that I remind him of someone. He was asking if he could have someting to cut his fingers off and leave them on the counter. Loudly - he wanted me to hear. He tries to get my attention.
I knew he was a danger but I figured it was aggression/unpredictablity - I had two sizeable men (staff) on either side of me and that was a tip off. One escorted me out. I learned that this patient had just murdered someone in front of a child. When he leaves the hospital, he goes to the court and will be sent to one facility or another. I didn't want details. I didn't care. His own doctor broke down and sobbed after explaining this to the patient. The patient really doesn't have full comprehension of what happened. He is 31 years old.
My heart breaks for him, because he could not get the help he needed. Schizophrenia is no joke. Read up on it. And now someone has died. Been murdered, in front of a child that will live with that every day. Sometimes, I really think I need to get out of this field.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I just need to say that I hate Facebook.
Why? Because I am weak-willed. Ok, that's a lie. I'm nosey. I only have my first and middle name on the account because I DON'T want people to find me. The few that do are tolerable. Mostly. Some I'd like to drop a giant axe on. Anyway. Why do I care what some guy I went to high school with, and wasn't really even friends with, has posted in his pics? Why do I feel compelled to see what a former friend's 'likes' are. Or what they wrote today?
It is simple curiosity but I don't like it because it reminds me yet again how different I am from those people. I suppose I just have to stop looking and remove any associated people from my account. If they are gone, the temptation to browse through their friends list (knowing full well that I'll see people I know there) will also go away.
Unfortunately I learned yesterday that I work the same shift (different department, but we have contact) with a former best friend's sister. You know, some how I knew she was related to him. I finally asked her yesterday. He's in another state so the possibility of him wreaking havoc on my life is rather limited, but still. I don't like dredging up things I thought were closed. I've never had luck with that.
I know I'm different. But I truly dislike this wave of uber-normality (or the appearance of) hitting me from all sides. But like a car crash - I can't help but look. It just reminds me of all the ways I'm not like other people. Perhaps we are more alike in ways, but I'm just more 'ok' with saying that my life is confusing, chaotic and a total loss at times. Maybe I don't need to keep up appearances.
Man, I really hate facebook. It brings out a very bad side of me. And just so you know - I think I only have only permitted 45 'friends' and to me, that is WAY too many. A person such as myself has next to no business having actual personal contacts on a social networking site. Bad combo. Just sayin'.
It is simple curiosity but I don't like it because it reminds me yet again how different I am from those people. I suppose I just have to stop looking and remove any associated people from my account. If they are gone, the temptation to browse through their friends list (knowing full well that I'll see people I know there) will also go away.
Unfortunately I learned yesterday that I work the same shift (different department, but we have contact) with a former best friend's sister. You know, some how I knew she was related to him. I finally asked her yesterday. He's in another state so the possibility of him wreaking havoc on my life is rather limited, but still. I don't like dredging up things I thought were closed. I've never had luck with that.
I know I'm different. But I truly dislike this wave of uber-normality (or the appearance of) hitting me from all sides. But like a car crash - I can't help but look. It just reminds me of all the ways I'm not like other people. Perhaps we are more alike in ways, but I'm just more 'ok' with saying that my life is confusing, chaotic and a total loss at times. Maybe I don't need to keep up appearances.
Man, I really hate facebook. It brings out a very bad side of me. And just so you know - I think I only have only permitted 45 'friends' and to me, that is WAY too many. A person such as myself has next to no business having actual personal contacts on a social networking site. Bad combo. Just sayin'.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Shitdamnhellsonofabitchmotherfuckingcocksucker!
Ok. That was warranted.
I've been sick, right? Decided I couldn't handle it myself and just 'let it pass', right? So I go to my gastroenterologist thinking I'm in the throes of Ulcer-Fest 2010, right?
Turns out I have Lithium Toxicity. Mother. Fucker. Look it up - turns out it can kill you. Which I knew, I just never thought I'd have it. My levels have been, well, level, for YEARS!
So not only is it a weekend, but a holiday weekend... can't get my doc til Tuesday. All I can do is deal with it the best I can and try to wean myself off without doing it too quickly so as to not cause more problems. Mother fucker. Technically, I should be hospitalized, monitored, pumped with fluids, etc.
Remember the post a handful or so back where I broke down all angry at the new psych doc and how he treated me and that I asked for this test three times and he simply ignored my request?!?! Yeah, remember that fucknut? If he'd done the test (especially since it was overdue) then I might not be sitting on death's doorstep. No kidding, this is a nasty situation. So anyway, I'm pondering what I should do. I'm considering making an appointment, taking the results in to Dr. Sadist, tossing them on his desk then telling him what kind of car he needs to buy me to keep my mouth shut.
There's more testing in the works but I think this should explain 95% of my problems. Imagine, my gastroenterologist catches this while my former psych was content to let it go. I am contemplating suing the bastard and that is something I've never, ever been a part of. Or Dr. Sadist can buy me a car and I'll shut up. Honestly, I don't know how I'll handle it. But he could have literally killed me. Although I'm not out of the woods yet.
And now I may have to go off the one med that saved my life. Ok, then sure, it sort of tried to kill me, ha, but I'm just sayin'.
*sigh*
But for now I am thankful that my GI doc listened to me. He listened and did his job. Even though my ailment was out of his realm.
Thank you Dr. K. Because of you I live to be a bitch another day...lol.
;)
I've been sick, right? Decided I couldn't handle it myself and just 'let it pass', right? So I go to my gastroenterologist thinking I'm in the throes of Ulcer-Fest 2010, right?
Turns out I have Lithium Toxicity. Mother. Fucker. Look it up - turns out it can kill you. Which I knew, I just never thought I'd have it. My levels have been, well, level, for YEARS!
So not only is it a weekend, but a holiday weekend... can't get my doc til Tuesday. All I can do is deal with it the best I can and try to wean myself off without doing it too quickly so as to not cause more problems. Mother fucker. Technically, I should be hospitalized, monitored, pumped with fluids, etc.
Remember the post a handful or so back where I broke down all angry at the new psych doc and how he treated me and that I asked for this test three times and he simply ignored my request?!?! Yeah, remember that fucknut? If he'd done the test (especially since it was overdue) then I might not be sitting on death's doorstep. No kidding, this is a nasty situation. So anyway, I'm pondering what I should do. I'm considering making an appointment, taking the results in to Dr. Sadist, tossing them on his desk then telling him what kind of car he needs to buy me to keep my mouth shut.
There's more testing in the works but I think this should explain 95% of my problems. Imagine, my gastroenterologist catches this while my former psych was content to let it go. I am contemplating suing the bastard and that is something I've never, ever been a part of. Or Dr. Sadist can buy me a car and I'll shut up. Honestly, I don't know how I'll handle it. But he could have literally killed me. Although I'm not out of the woods yet.
And now I may have to go off the one med that saved my life. Ok, then sure, it sort of tried to kill me, ha, but I'm just sayin'.
*sigh*
But for now I am thankful that my GI doc listened to me. He listened and did his job. Even though my ailment was out of his realm.
Thank you Dr. K. Because of you I live to be a bitch another day...lol.
;)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wholesome and pure. Much like me. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.
So, ok. Just hear me out. Literally.
See these wholesome looking lads? Well, I think I may be in love with them. Please meet Joey Jordison and Wednesday 13 of the Murderdolls. Yes, I know.... you're thinking, but LiVEwiRe, have you got your spectacles on? Lost your mind? Had too much to drink? Hit your head?
Wednesday 13
Joey Jordison
The answers are yes, most likely, not now, and numerous times. You can fit them to whichever question you like. Because I KNOW what you are thinking. I KNOW it. You, dear reader, are thinking that these stodgy, conservative, stuffy types are not really my style. What could I possibly see in someone so obviously boring? Mundane at best?
To answer your question, let me guide you for just a moment. Within this link is proof explaining why they tickle my fancy. And here you'll find a behind the scenes look for the first link. Which is rather interesting if I do say so myself. It explains it all. But yes, I know, I know... love is blind.
And soon love will also be deaf. Heh.
!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Is there is a point to posting a horoscope if you are also saying the world ends in 2012? Bit of a clash, no?
Shocker of the week - I am not a religious person.
Second shocker of the week - I was a rather spiritual/metaphysical sort of person years back.
What I believe changes constantly. Every now and then I stumble upon something that really makes me rethink what I believe. In the end, it turns out that I don't believe in much. I'm currently a faithless girl all in all.
But what brings me to this is the following: http://www.mayanmajix.com/art4467.html
Not that I live my life to horoscopes ~ actually if I see one I read it but I don't seek it out. BUT there is something at the beginning of that link that should scare the socks off every one of you... some more than others.
Mercury is Retrograde!!!
Run! Cover yourself in hot butter and ... oh no wait, that's only if there's a lobster loose. Anyway. Mercury plays a huge role in communication. Everything from misunderstood conversations, emails getting lost, fax machines frying, and truly just a general zap to anything relating to communicating.
Usually, I only learn this in hindsight and say 'oooohhhh, that explains the past few weeks!' But now I got a heads up. Funny - no one needed to tell me this time. It is so apparent that it's not funny. Ok, I lie, some of it is... I mean how many ways can one break a printer in 10 minutes, really?
I think I'm grabbing some hot butter... just in case.
Second shocker of the week - I was a rather spiritual/metaphysical sort of person years back.
What I believe changes constantly. Every now and then I stumble upon something that really makes me rethink what I believe. In the end, it turns out that I don't believe in much. I'm currently a faithless girl all in all.
But what brings me to this is the following: http://www.mayanmajix.com/art4467.html
Not that I live my life to horoscopes ~ actually if I see one I read it but I don't seek it out. BUT there is something at the beginning of that link that should scare the socks off every one of you... some more than others.
Mercury is Retrograde!!!
Run! Cover yourself in hot butter and ... oh no wait, that's only if there's a lobster loose. Anyway. Mercury plays a huge role in communication. Everything from misunderstood conversations, emails getting lost, fax machines frying, and truly just a general zap to anything relating to communicating.
Usually, I only learn this in hindsight and say 'oooohhhh, that explains the past few weeks!' But now I got a heads up. Funny - no one needed to tell me this time. It is so apparent that it's not funny. Ok, I lie, some of it is... I mean how many ways can one break a printer in 10 minutes, really?
I think I'm grabbing some hot butter... just in case.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
How now are you gonna bite both hands? BOTH HANDS?!
Sorry, channeling Matthew Good this morning. I'm somewhere between crying and vomiting but it would appear it's my own fault. You know, human interaction and all. If I could just learn to distance myself maybe it would be easier. Yet for some reason I get suckered back into it. Either by other people or by my very own self; traitor!! Haha, sorry I find that kind of funny.
Anyway, this whole feeling ill thing. Yes, it is because of humans and my idiot sensitivity to them. Want to know how sensitive? In the past 7 days I've lost 10 pounds because I can barely eat. Ten. I can drink just fine as long as it has very little substance (think sugar, dairy, etc) so I'm not dehydrated. And this is because I am so stressed that every time I eat even the smallest thing, I get this rolling nausea and my stomach does flips. Thank you human race, for being such a collective dick. And thank you self for being the wussy fool that continues to hold out hope for them despite repeated failings.
For now, I'm going to use it to my advantage. But until I learn how to cope appropriately, I have to get something out of it, right? Remember how I said I'd gained some weight back from the previous knee surgery? Well, it's going! I'll just use it to my advantage. Not really the way to go, but at least I'm not sticking my finger down my throat, shoving a laxative suppository up my arse or ingesting tapeworms. Although it is unhealthier than any of those, truth be told. But hey, stress is free after all. Gotta love that. It's at least 50% from my job so the stress won't be going away soon.
Some people don't 'get' stress. Some don't care. Some lack the ability to understand. I seem to have no option. My body goes along with what my mind tells to do. Damn bully. ;)
How now are we back here tonight?
That's all there is, roll the dice. ~ Matthew Good, Double Life
Have a listen to the link. Matt always helps. He is my rock.
#
Anyway, this whole feeling ill thing. Yes, it is because of humans and my idiot sensitivity to them. Want to know how sensitive? In the past 7 days I've lost 10 pounds because I can barely eat. Ten. I can drink just fine as long as it has very little substance (think sugar, dairy, etc) so I'm not dehydrated. And this is because I am so stressed that every time I eat even the smallest thing, I get this rolling nausea and my stomach does flips. Thank you human race, for being such a collective dick. And thank you self for being the wussy fool that continues to hold out hope for them despite repeated failings.
For now, I'm going to use it to my advantage. But until I learn how to cope appropriately, I have to get something out of it, right? Remember how I said I'd gained some weight back from the previous knee surgery? Well, it's going! I'll just use it to my advantage. Not really the way to go, but at least I'm not sticking my finger down my throat, shoving a laxative suppository up my arse or ingesting tapeworms. Although it is unhealthier than any of those, truth be told. But hey, stress is free after all. Gotta love that. It's at least 50% from my job so the stress won't be going away soon.
Some people don't 'get' stress. Some don't care. Some lack the ability to understand. I seem to have no option. My body goes along with what my mind tells to do. Damn bully. ;)
How now are we back here tonight?
That's all there is, roll the dice. ~ Matthew Good, Double Life
Have a listen to the link. Matt always helps. He is my rock.
#
Monday, August 23, 2010
And in time, the phoenix shall rise
If I finally let go and stop wondering
If I am what you wanted. If I am what I wanted...
If I wake up happy to know that I am simply alive instead of
How to solve everything. And the let down by lack of results...
Just when I think I have a foothold
I feel it crumbling. I have learned to just let go...
If I finally learn to stop trying, even though I don't realize I am...
Then maybe one day I will be enough. For me. For you.
For everyone that attaches themselves to me because I give
the impression that I am what I want to be.
It is a work in progress, I'm just good at appearances, that's all.
But maybe someday.
If I am what you wanted. If I am what I wanted...
If I wake up happy to know that I am simply alive instead of
How to solve everything. And the let down by lack of results...
Just when I think I have a foothold
I feel it crumbling. I have learned to just let go...
If I finally learn to stop trying, even though I don't realize I am...
Then maybe one day I will be enough. For me. For you.
For everyone that attaches themselves to me because I give
the impression that I am what I want to be.
It is a work in progress, I'm just good at appearances, that's all.
But maybe someday.
Some time in the very near future, I will be getting a new tattoo. This is just a representation but I can think of nothing better.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Is it healthy to sleep with an air freshener shoved up your nose?
I only ask because circumstances require such extreme actions.
Remember Chewy? One of many little rat bastards (literally) in my house last year munching up through my kitchen floor? Well he's back. Or perhaps Spawn of Chewy. The rat annihilation crew returned with their cubes of death.
Several days later methinks one is dead and didn't get back out before his demise. Needless to say the hot humid air along with the now copious amounts of rain make for a great festering rat stew. Oh come on now - fucking seriously?!?! I have to smell this thing for weeks til it turns to dust?!?! I can't get to it fer fucks sake!!!!
I so would have taken rat zombies over this stink.
Remember Chewy? One of many little rat bastards (literally) in my house last year munching up through my kitchen floor? Well he's back. Or perhaps Spawn of Chewy. The rat annihilation crew returned with their cubes of death.
Several days later methinks one is dead and didn't get back out before his demise. Needless to say the hot humid air along with the now copious amounts of rain make for a great festering rat stew. Oh come on now - fucking seriously?!?! I have to smell this thing for weeks til it turns to dust?!?! I can't get to it fer fucks sake!!!!
I so would have taken rat zombies over this stink.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
WTF is wrong with me? Rhetorical? Yes? No?
I am going to sort of self analyze here. Considering it is almost 11pm and I'm in a room myself, I don't think the houseplant is really going to be helpful so I don't have much of a choice.
All of a sudden, I am sinking into this depression. Not one I can't get out of, like a passing thing. Trust me, I can tell the difference. This time it's different, though. I see many parts that are making up a whole. Unfortunately it's a whole lotta shit, but I can handle it for I am stubborn.
Variables:
All of a sudden, I am sinking into this depression. Not one I can't get out of, like a passing thing. Trust me, I can tell the difference. This time it's different, though. I see many parts that are making up a whole. Unfortunately it's a whole lotta shit, but I can handle it for I am stubborn.
Variables:
- Few days off from work (ok, 7!) in which not one fucking thing has gone as planned other than the fact that I am not at work. Still, I SO need to get away.
- Family stress; typically a given in one way or another.
- Sick cat - $500 so far; outcome unknown.
- Question of knee surgery.
- Still finding no locale on the map where I fit.
- Being away, I realize how much I really hate the way my job is going.
- Vacation plans falling through because of cat, family issues, etc.
- But because of that, I've been able to talk with a friend at length.
- Sometimes you don't realize how much you've given up until one day someone comes along and reminds you that some people can be worth it, no matter how impractical.
- And of course sleep is still fleeting.
There are so many emotions running through me right now that I feel like Duncan MacLeod in the Quickening. Good, bad improbable, helpless, angry, happy... you name it, it's there. But then why doesn't Duncan seem to want to curl up and have a good cry?!?! And no, we're nowhere near PMS time. I think it's just sensory overload. Well, that combined with wanting my life to move forward but stumbling so.
That's it. That's all I've got. Therapy session over.
!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
I want a show of hands
Because I know it's not just me.
Ever notice how there are periods that every time you look up, there is a new thing to break your heart just a little bit more? One right after the next. Some things are bigger than others but it ends up like an endless barrage of invisible barbed wire squeezing tighter and tighter until you are sure you need to outrun it for self preservation? Only, there is no haven. It's with you, and as they say, wherever you go... there you are.
Just noticing it. And trying to remember how to breathe. Like I said, I know I'm not the only one and this is not a pity party. Just me taking note of living through an odd period of frustration and being reminded of things that I'd rather not be.
Drown if you want and I'll see you in the bottom, where you crawl on my skin... and put the blame on me so you don't feel a thing! Go on and save yourself, and take it out on me... ~ Audioslave {Cochise}
An aside... if I had enough energy I'd stalk Chris Cornell. But I don't. He's quite the beautiful boy and has an amazing voice. Perhaps I find him more beautiful because of his voice? Anyway, hot damn.
Ever notice how there are periods that every time you look up, there is a new thing to break your heart just a little bit more? One right after the next. Some things are bigger than others but it ends up like an endless barrage of invisible barbed wire squeezing tighter and tighter until you are sure you need to outrun it for self preservation? Only, there is no haven. It's with you, and as they say, wherever you go... there you are.
Just noticing it. And trying to remember how to breathe. Like I said, I know I'm not the only one and this is not a pity party. Just me taking note of living through an odd period of frustration and being reminded of things that I'd rather not be.
Drown if you want and I'll see you in the bottom, where you crawl on my skin... and put the blame on me so you don't feel a thing! Go on and save yourself, and take it out on me... ~ Audioslave {Cochise}
An aside... if I had enough energy I'd stalk Chris Cornell. But I don't. He's quite the beautiful boy and has an amazing voice. Perhaps I find him more beautiful because of his voice? Anyway, hot damn.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Ode to Molly Dodd
Not sleeping blows dirty ass. Well, if sleeping was your goal.
In the past couple weeks I've dealt with very large crickets getting in my house and singing til all hours. My neighbor has a rooster with a very, very inacurate internal clock and apparently a bad memory as he likes to cock his doodle about every hour and a half at any given hour. Why is a rooster in a residential area anyway? The nosey news choppers have been flying along the coast. My neighbor is renovating or some noisy shit. It just might be fox mating season because they are surely kickin up their furry heels outside my bedroom windows in the early morning hours. This doesn't even address the noise in my own head, both literally and figuratively.
Suppose it's true that they say you'll sleep when you die. A nap might be nice, though.
In the past couple weeks I've dealt with very large crickets getting in my house and singing til all hours. My neighbor has a rooster with a very, very inacurate internal clock and apparently a bad memory as he likes to cock his doodle about every hour and a half at any given hour. Why is a rooster in a residential area anyway? The nosey news choppers have been flying along the coast. My neighbor is renovating or some noisy shit. It just might be fox mating season because they are surely kickin up their furry heels outside my bedroom windows in the early morning hours. This doesn't even address the noise in my own head, both literally and figuratively.
Suppose it's true that they say you'll sleep when you die. A nap might be nice, though.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Look ma, no effin' cavities!
So really, that's mainly my point. I had a dental cleaning and checkup today and I have no cavities. NO currently (or soon to be) scheduled dental work. This is a major breakthrough since I'm usually cracking teeth and whatnot.
I reason that it is because I have potty mouth. No chance for sugary decay to flourish with a bitter tongue that spews forth such filth. Wooooohooooo!!!!! Lol! =)
I reason that it is because I have potty mouth. No chance for sugary decay to flourish with a bitter tongue that spews forth such filth. Wooooohooooo!!!!! Lol! =)
Friday, August 06, 2010
Um, newsflash Don Juan...
I'm just gonna put this out there so it can be said and done and over with.
If you are married and flirting (with me), that's not a big deal - flirting is fun. When you get into talking about the bondage clothes you own during the week of your 2 year anniversary or start asking me to rub your back at work (two separate cases) then things take a turn. They take a turn that reminds me why I have chosen NOT to date for a very, very long time.
And it's not the standard 'men are pigs'. Not at all. It's just that we live in a society where you have to keep acquiring more. I am not something to acquire.
Friendly flirting is a good thing. Everyone gets an ego boost of sorts and that's the end of it. But when you try to manipulate others into being a conquest of sorts, I mean, really.
Pfft. People are truly thoughtless sometimes. Just sayin'.
If you are married and flirting (with me), that's not a big deal - flirting is fun. When you get into talking about the bondage clothes you own during the week of your 2 year anniversary or start asking me to rub your back at work (two separate cases) then things take a turn. They take a turn that reminds me why I have chosen NOT to date for a very, very long time.
And it's not the standard 'men are pigs'. Not at all. It's just that we live in a society where you have to keep acquiring more. I am not something to acquire.
Friendly flirting is a good thing. Everyone gets an ego boost of sorts and that's the end of it. But when you try to manipulate others into being a conquest of sorts, I mean, really.
Pfft. People are truly thoughtless sometimes. Just sayin'.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
I may not be pregnant but I sure feel like I'm eating for two
And my weight has inched up a bit in the past handful of weeks just to prove it to me. Bastard. And the fucker to blame for all of this? Stress. You think I'm kidding? Hear me out...
Weight has been a battle my whole life. It took me until my mid twenties to figure out that I eat more because I am, at that moment, able to give myself something that otherwise I could not... think better job, $ to fix the car, family that didn't involve police... so eating that peanut butter sandwich with two extra layers of peanut butter on it was me being able to give myself something. Now. I didn't have to wait for anything else to work, it was all I could do for myself so I did it. And I was in control. Ok, yeah, and I was fat. Moving on.
I was almost always overweight to some extent but in my early 30s I began meds that were famous for weight gain. And gain I did. And then I was depressed so I ate more! I weighed so much at one point that I was at the highest size that the plus size stores had at the time, barring a few special selections. Being 5'9" really helped it look as if I wasn't as big as I was, but the weight was on me nonetheless.
So I changed my eating habits and lost 100#. It was a long hard process, but I did it. After my knee surgery 3 years ago, I've struggled with 25# coming back. I fight it and it goes down then back it comes. Well, I've just changed that 25 to a 30 folks. I'm trying to go the opposite direction and lose more again in preparation for my knee replacement, whenever I find the courage to get that done. But still.
So here's what stress is doing to me. First, I hace a facet of night terrors where I wake up and appear to be awake - you can have a full on conversation with me (probably making more sense than I do when I'm awake) and I will not remember one bit of it. It remains at bay for the most part but when I'm really stressed, I do what is called sleep eating. I've woken up in the morning with food in my bed. On more than one occassion I've found chocolate smeared on my wall and in my bed. The other night I 'came to' as I was shoving cookies down my gullett! Problem there is that I also have symptomatic acholasia... read: I could choke due to a swallowing difficulty. I buy cookies for my Gram that I specifically don't like and peanut butter was forbidden for the last few months. But when you are sleeping, all food is fair game and the quantity is a guessing game.
The other thing I've noticed recently is that I've been hitting the vending machines, which I try to avoid - always have. So I get a candy bar. No big deal. But then I forget about it ever existing and later go buy some disgusting item made to mimic real pastry. And I eat it! Plastic icing and all! And it isn't until I'm on my way home that I remember that I also had a candy bar. So it's like the stress is conveniently erasing the memory of eating the first item so that I will comply and buy the second item. Honestly, this is getting stupidly ridiculous.
Because of meds and medical issues, I cannot jump start anything with a 'diet pill'. I just need to find a way to stop the sleep eating and, well, the 'awake' eating associated with vending machine amnesia! I've dealt with the sleep eating for years, this thing where my mind conveniently 'forgets' that I ate some crap a few hours ago has got to stop. And you know, it's not like I even LIKE 95% of the stuff in there, so I stand there swaying back and forth trying to decide what to get. One might think that browsing the same selection that I ate only a couple hours prior would trigger a memory!
I fought this fight before and won. I lost just over 100# the proper, healthy way. For some reason I'm just failing now and I can't get a grip on why. Which of course, creates more stress. Maybe I just had to write it to make it more real. I don't know how to stop the sleep eating. Often the absence of food (and an increase in pounds) is the only indicator it occurred. I've even tried taping the fridge and cupboards shut in the past.
So if anyone wants to make fun of the pudge in my belly, I'll let you mull this over before I kick your ass. ;)
Weight has been a battle my whole life. It took me until my mid twenties to figure out that I eat more because I am, at that moment, able to give myself something that otherwise I could not... think better job, $ to fix the car, family that didn't involve police... so eating that peanut butter sandwich with two extra layers of peanut butter on it was me being able to give myself something. Now. I didn't have to wait for anything else to work, it was all I could do for myself so I did it. And I was in control. Ok, yeah, and I was fat. Moving on.
I was almost always overweight to some extent but in my early 30s I began meds that were famous for weight gain. And gain I did. And then I was depressed so I ate more! I weighed so much at one point that I was at the highest size that the plus size stores had at the time, barring a few special selections. Being 5'9" really helped it look as if I wasn't as big as I was, but the weight was on me nonetheless.
So I changed my eating habits and lost 100#. It was a long hard process, but I did it. After my knee surgery 3 years ago, I've struggled with 25# coming back. I fight it and it goes down then back it comes. Well, I've just changed that 25 to a 30 folks. I'm trying to go the opposite direction and lose more again in preparation for my knee replacement, whenever I find the courage to get that done. But still.
So here's what stress is doing to me. First, I hace a facet of night terrors where I wake up and appear to be awake - you can have a full on conversation with me (probably making more sense than I do when I'm awake) and I will not remember one bit of it. It remains at bay for the most part but when I'm really stressed, I do what is called sleep eating. I've woken up in the morning with food in my bed. On more than one occassion I've found chocolate smeared on my wall and in my bed. The other night I 'came to' as I was shoving cookies down my gullett! Problem there is that I also have symptomatic acholasia... read: I could choke due to a swallowing difficulty. I buy cookies for my Gram that I specifically don't like and peanut butter was forbidden for the last few months. But when you are sleeping, all food is fair game and the quantity is a guessing game.
The other thing I've noticed recently is that I've been hitting the vending machines, which I try to avoid - always have. So I get a candy bar. No big deal. But then I forget about it ever existing and later go buy some disgusting item made to mimic real pastry. And I eat it! Plastic icing and all! And it isn't until I'm on my way home that I remember that I also had a candy bar. So it's like the stress is conveniently erasing the memory of eating the first item so that I will comply and buy the second item. Honestly, this is getting stupidly ridiculous.
Because of meds and medical issues, I cannot jump start anything with a 'diet pill'. I just need to find a way to stop the sleep eating and, well, the 'awake' eating associated with vending machine amnesia! I've dealt with the sleep eating for years, this thing where my mind conveniently 'forgets' that I ate some crap a few hours ago has got to stop. And you know, it's not like I even LIKE 95% of the stuff in there, so I stand there swaying back and forth trying to decide what to get. One might think that browsing the same selection that I ate only a couple hours prior would trigger a memory!
I fought this fight before and won. I lost just over 100# the proper, healthy way. For some reason I'm just failing now and I can't get a grip on why. Which of course, creates more stress. Maybe I just had to write it to make it more real. I don't know how to stop the sleep eating. Often the absence of food (and an increase in pounds) is the only indicator it occurred. I've even tried taping the fridge and cupboards shut in the past.
So if anyone wants to make fun of the pudge in my belly, I'll let you mull this over before I kick your ass. ;)
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