Rarity

So it is the weekend and I have just had the most wonderful day:

• I've finished reading my book (No matter that I'm traumatized due to a sort of separation anxiety already.)
• I have 2 new CDs on order
• I've organized some bill paying stuff
• All television was avoided
• A new book has been ordered
• Spent time chatting with a great person
• The most wonderful part of the day; however, revolved around the fact that I had some time alone. It was quiet, until I filled the house with sounds carefully chosen by me and me alone. Total control...

If this would be a movie, I'd close my eyes, tip my face skyward and elegantly spin and spin with my arms stretched out at my sides - drinking in the moment. Needless to say, my vertigo and general gracelessness prevent that scenario from occurring. Either way, it was a pretty great day just for that one reason. For that, I am so grateful that I had to write a post. Dorky, perhaps, but it made me happy. Silence and privacy are very important to me and are not within my reach 99.3% of the time; so to me, this is big.

I hear the banjos...

There is a reason that inbreeding is bad. It was summed up today for me while at work. I don't know for sure that the irritating masses of humans I encountered today were in fact inbred, but it sure would explain alot. With that in mind, here is what I'd like to know:

• How do you think you have the right to bitch about elevators not working, explaining that you've hit the button several times, when you have in fact pressed the button for a light switch? Do you not see the light turning on and off?
• Since when is it acceptable to prepare food (in a hospital, no less) while wiping your nose on your hand?
• Does someone really need to remind you to put out your cigarette before walking into said hospital?
• In order to send pain meds to a patient, we need an actual order. Yes, shocking I know. Do other healthcare facilities just dole out narcotics willy-nilly for unknown patients because the nurses say 'but the patient is due for it'? What patient? What meds? What dose... strength?
• Is it hard to grasp the concept of not walking directly under a LifeFlight helicopter as it is landing? Um, really...

This is why inbreeding is bad. It is the only thing I can think of that would make people behave like such fools. Now, I love to have music while I work... I just wasn't planning on it being the banjos from Deliverance.

Hollow Bones

Ok, so here's a new twist... I've decided to write something. Well, I mean something different. I've written a paragraph or two here and there and recently, a form of poetry, but this is going past all that. Every now and then, I get the idea for something and it will not let me go until I put it down in writing. I am currently being bullied by a character in a book I am reading and have used this character in a very general way for this... whatever this is that I am writing. I hope you enjoy it...


Slowly, with a dull, steady ache in her head, she began to come to. The cool damp earth beneath her had conformed to her every curve providing a customized fit. The smell of the soil infiltrated her nostrils and registered with a high level of fear, along with some sort of unsure comfort; a kind of safety intertwined with the fear. Her vision seemed unstable and was made markedly worse, along with the aching in her head, with every subtle movement of her head, neck, and shoulders.

She gritted her teeth and held down the nausea: she had to overcome it and take in the view of her surroundings, no matter what they might be. As she tightly closed her eyes to gather her remaining strength and determination, she found she could hear nothing; just her own rapid, unsteady breathing, ferociously bucking heartbeat and blood coursing through miles of veins, resonating in her ears, echoing. Enough strength had been gathered and she gingerly opened her eyes, not quite sure what to expect. With some amount of hesitation, she fully lifted her lids and there, between finding focus, lingered a fear that what she may look upon could be worse than what she had imagined.

Strangely, it wasn't. It seemed to be a room of sorts, yet not a room at all. With lack of adequate light, it appeared to be a roundish room maybe 20 feet in diameter. From what she could tell, it was solidly constructed with thick, ancient beams and chiseled quarry stone. For some reason, she couldn't see any sort of ceiling, save for a few of the tiniest holes of light. At first, she assumed it was a reflection, but of what? There really didn't seems to be enough light anywhere to catch a reflection, just an ambient light of sorts; soft, indirect, blending into the shadows and with no visible source. This mysterious ambient glow did, however, provide her with her first glimpse of herself.

A wave of horror, shame, and disgust overwhelmed her, providing escape for a thin, pitiful whine. She was sure she could hear the blood coursing louder and more violently in her ears. It appeared as if some child of giant proportion had chosen her as her plaything, a rag doll, then having found her expendable, cast her aside cruelly. Her legs splayed out in front, lolling gracelessly, torso ever so slightly tensed and twisted. Her clothes, though, may have been the thing that bothered her the most. They were wrinkled, torn, and soil laden, yet that was not so alarming. The fact that they appeared to have been put on wrong was what bothered her. She could see her pants, buttoned and pulled up properly, yet the zipper remained halfway undone. That made her painfully aware of the fact that although her underwear were present and accounted for, they were only up as far as the tops of her thighs - pants pulled up to cover that fact. Her shirt had been missing a few buttons but nothing worse than that really. More evidence of strange occurrences filled her head; the latest being the state of her bra. She could only see a certain amount from this prone position yet she could feel something was wrong. All else aside, the look of puzzlement on her face would surely have proved to be quite amusing. She determined that her bra actually felt to be tied together in the back yet her breasts were so carefully nestled in their respective cups. She felt stripped and hastily put back together.

Then the realization hit her like a landslide: her hands had been bound. It simply never occurred to her that she never tried to move her hands - she had been trying so hard to assess the key points of her lousy situation. Fear and panic replaced uncertainly and doubt. She writhed and wailed and she pulled at the restraints. Surprisingly, she found that her tethers were quite loose. They seemed to have been applied in the same manner as her clothing.

Before her renegade wail completed it's echo she was certain she'd heard something, and it seemed close. She tried to stand and opted to avoid that maneuver for a moment; closer to the ground was the way to go for now, too much instability with standing. She could now see that the ceiling she sought to identify earlier was a good 100 feet above her. She could have been in a turret - or a well. There was really no way to tell. Although there was a faint light, every now and then bright yet indistinct spheres of light appeared yet none of them managed to infiltrate the opposite side of this round cell. The harder she stared into the pitch black, the blacker it became. It gave her the feeling that she was not alone. Could it be her captor had been watching her this entire time planning a sort of cat and mouse game? She couldn't rush headlong into the darkness to see what was beyond and she couldn't just sit here like an idiot. Carefully, she looked around for something to throw into the darkness. She swore she'd heard something earlier so maybe she could flush it out; or maybe she'd die trying.

"Please...", came the voice from the darkness.

Shocked and terrified she almost dropped to the ground - heart beating painfully hard yet unable to speak at all.

"Please... you are ok. I am sorry."

To her, that sounded like an admission of guilt. "Sorry?" Quietly at first, then louder after anger helped her to find her voice. "Sorry?! What?!?! That's the best you've got.... sorry?!"
Her anger stoked a fire inside and gave her strength to stand without toppling. "Where am I? Why am I here? Show yourself, damn you!!"

From the dark- simply a gasp then, "No, I can't."

As frenzied and ready to pounce as she felt, she could tell there was something about this voice; something very different. Oddly, she felt no threat. There was a rustling sound from the darkness and as one of the mysterious spheres wandered by, she caught only a glimpse of a single being. No arsenal. No cohorts. Her adrenalin was still pumping in a frenzied fashion yet she managed to calm herself enough to try to find rational judgment.

She found the courage to call out, into the unseen, "Who are you then? I am here for you to see yet you would remain cloaked in darkness, hidden from me." Enough time had gone by for her to realize she was not getting an answer. "How did I get here? Where is here? What happened? Please... tell me." She felt like if she chose the wrong words her chances at learning the truth would slip away.

"I do not have all of the answers you seek, for that I am so very sorry.", came the reply.

"Even so... please come closer, perhaps we can speak. Who are you?" She had to keep him talking, it was really the only hope of learning what in the hell had happened.

With slight disgrace in tone, he said "I wish to stay here... in the dark. There is comfort in this darkness, for both of us, I assure you."

Her heart was heavy. She couldn't understand why he'd deny her this single, simple comfort after what she'd apparently been through, yet he did. Almost as if summoned by fate, several of the light spheres calmly circled the air between them, in the space that separated she by the dusty light and he by the enveloping darkness. For a brief moment those two spaces became one and dropped all veils of separation then all too soon resumed it's previous delineation. But it was long enough for her to see. And more than long enough for him to hope that she hadn't. The still shadowy face fearfully peering back at her was so unlike her own yet held more emotion at that moment than any countenance she'd ever laid eyes on. What should have been common sense as she knew it not so long ago dictated that she must have interpreted something incorrectly yet every cell in her body knew what she'd seen to be true. The image before her was of a man, yet not a man at all. He gave the impression of being of medium build and was clad only in modest trousers. He maintained a slight cower that resonated with a fear, punctuated with arms crossed protectively in front of him. His eyes shone with a golden glow that seemed to come from within, carrying with it a deep uncertainty and a haze of sadness. The same eyes that immediately earned her trust, although she could not say exactly why. She just felt it. Her next observation would have to draw heavily on that trust. The thick, full, rich brown hair appeared different than at first glance. At first, it looked shaggy and messy, hanging forward over his eyes and down over his shoulders. In a moment, the pieces began to fit together like a Dali puzzle. She saw that his hair flowed wildly forming a bulky mass behind him: she remembered the rustling she'd hear earlier. My God... wings. He must've read the shock on her face for his expression was now an identical reflection. With the exception that she could see a fierce, pointed beak, avian tongue poised to speak.

His voice flooded the small space, "Wait! You are safe with me!"

Although not afraid, she was utterly confused, "But how can you...You're a....This can't be... You can't be real."

At that, he stepped directly into the faint light, rustling and repositioning those glorious wings. He seemed almost flustered and reached out with very human arms, no longer crossed in from of him or hidden under the heft of the wings.

Sheer surprise caught her off guard and she was stumbling backward, losing footing. With a gentle loft of air, she found herself avoiding crashing into the harsh wall and instead being cradled by an immense wing that allowed her to regain her footing.

He began to speak, "We are both here, you and I, by the will of another. I am not the one to fear." For a moment, his unblinking gaze shifted, as if somewhat uncomfortable. "When you were left here, you were thrown in bare. For two days my wings protected you from the cold and provided what modesty they could. Scant provisions were tossed in after those first two days, along with your garments. Although you hadn't fully come to, I was able to coax you to take some water. I... I tried to clothe you, to replace some of the dignity they tried to strip you of..." He broke her gaze fully and completely, unsure of how learning of his actions would affect her. Would she fear him? Blame him? Or would she recoil in disgust as had so many others...

Her mind reeled - it was beginning to make sense. The rustling sounds, the loosened tethers, the haphazardly placed clothing. He was the reason... She knew there was a good chance she'd be dead if it weren't for him. The look on his face broke her heart.

She reached her hand to his face and slowly turned it toward hers encouraging their eyes to meet. Neither of them were able to look away yet neither could speak as neither had words befitting that moment.

After some time, her hand trailed to where his feathers met his skin just below his beak. His ebony pupils still commanding her gaze managed to allow her to utter a soft "thank you", while a tear of gratitude escaped her. In a fluid motion a silken feather wiped away her tear with a barely audible, "you're welcome".

Although grateful, she wanted to be gone from that place more, "Think we can get out of here?", she asked.

"I can help you, yes. But I cannot leave...", he said quietly.

No Shame

And when you hear the howl, will it drive you to your knees? Or will it lift you to soar to new heights you've only ever thought of in dreams.

Can you withstand the strain of sound, the fluidity of it as it courses through your veins? Or will you simply succumb to the idea of what you had hoped it to be?

When you taste it, will you let yourself go and admit with every fiber of your being that it is the one true thing you've waited a lifetime for? Or will the fear of that vulnerability render you incapable of reaction and truth?

Will the sight of it cause in you the purest of rapture, the most heartrending fear, and a love that would make most turn their head in unabashed shame? Or will you wall off that part of you for fear of baring your soul.

When the senses interpret such things, it is difficult to deny them. They are basic and have an urgency all their own; a slow sort of urgency that carefully feels its way along every component and cavity of your body and soul. You'd like to think it is you taking in the senses when in fact, the senses are devouring you - utterly, completely.

So when the music stops, when the howl can no longer be heard, where do you stand? Have you fully given in to what you want and need? Or do you wait patiently and listen for the next howl...

It's a Damn Shame the Sun Don't Shine Underground...

I'd typically not say 'sun don't shine' in that manner but it's a song lyric, so consider this my disclaimer and get over it.

Bunch of little things:

My family is the most sneakily manipulative group of people I've ever known. Damn them. They have this guilt thing down pat! Sometimes they just make me want to go take a shower when I'm done talking to them; kind of cleanse myself of the idiocy. Families are weird.

Work is a madhouse. If you are reading this from a madhouse, get over it. Changes and circles, and equipment breakdowns, and human breakdowns... then I see my schedule has been altered. Here are my shifts at any given time, any day of the week with no pattern whatsoever.... 7a - 3:30p, 8:30a - 5p, and 1:30p - 10p. So if that wasn't enough to get you tangled in your drawers coming and going... I come in to find yet a FOURTH shift of 8a - 12p on my schedule. Um... no. Simple. I promptly took a Klonopin and marched in there and firmly said I didn't agree, never signed up for it and wouldn't do it. Amazingly, it was not a problem and the situation is fixed. Three cheers for facing the problem; even if while drugged slightly!

My cat brought me a mouse and brought it to me bedside the other morning at 6:30a. She's not exactly a mouser and just let it mill about 1/2 in shock. Right... so I grabbed a sock (poor little thing) because I was not about to risk being mauled (ahem) and infected with the Hanta Virus (soooo prominent in Ohio). So the sock was closest and I wrapped it up in there like a little mousey-burrito and tried to get dressed (with one hand) enough to walk to the patio to let it go while not squeezing the remaining life out of it. My x-ray vision doesn't work that early, so I could not confirm any internal injuries. I pet it and touched it's little feet, it squeaked; good enough for me. Cute little bugger... just not in my bedroom, if you please.

Weather is gradually warming up and 95% of the visible ice and snow on Lake Erie has melted! [enter backflip here] Today was warm and sunny and I had my windows down in the car with the music blasting - singing, of course, off key! How wonderful that felt! WooHoo! There is something liberating about that. Unless of course the music is up too loud and you don't hear the sirens of the police officer behind you trying to pull you over. Eh, the police force for the county I work in just dropped from something like 33 to 12 - seriously. I think I'll be safe... they need more revenue than I can provide. Sun makes me so happy. And silly. I love it!

Checked out a few new blogs lately, really enjoying seeing what these people are about. Or at least enjoying it for what it's worth. I'm always grateful for the time people take to maintain their blogs. No matter the topic, it still gives me an idea of a new person and things that may be totally foreign to me. Then there's the joy of spotting the ones that are like a clone of you...{spooky music}

So I'm off to read my book, which is just a trip, by the way... hopefully I'll put it down of my own accord tonight instead of waking up with part of a page plastered to my cornea. We'll see.

Nothing Less, Nothing More

Well boys and girls, this little ol' LiVEwiRe is getting a little out of control. Or maybe it's actually IN control, difficult to determine...

Ok, we're beginning the part of the game where I say things and you act remotely interested and make fabulous comments about my insightful and never-ending wisdom... ::::cough::::

I have been so fired up lately that it is getting difficult to contain. By fired up, I mean pretty much every thing you can think of that fits that phrase. My temper has remained at a fairly normal level (for me) yet the speed with which I go from calm to 'foot-up-your-ass' has dramatically and frighteningly (only if you are on the receiving end) increased. I've been known to have others tread lightly when around me at times due to the fact that they don't know what to expect and I think I'm heading into one of those times. My gears appear stripped and lodged to one single setting. In another sense, I've been mouthing off in another way. Um, I've been 'slightly' forward about certain lewd and lascivious thoughts and ideas that have been entering my mind. And it is just getting worse. Or better, depending who you are. ; ) Every word flows out with the utmost of passion, and it's exactly what I am thinking and feeling. Then of course, I second guess myself. The filter between my brain and mouth is on the fritz and the filters between my brain and nether regions are obviously enjoying this deliciously seductive encounter. :::sigh:::

Tomorrow is back to work for me as I've just had 2 days off. I hope I can control these outbursts. Or not. It has the potential to be a very good day considering my mood or a rather scary day considering my mood... oh the sinful possibilities! Care to place a bet?!

Please... step away from the keyboard...

So life is grand and I'm livin' la vida loca. Or something like that...

Spent a few days in a bit of a funk and decided I really didn't like it there. Honestly - it sucked. I've been having some wonderful conversations, reading an imaginative (albeit snot and saliva laden) book, learning new things and above all, listening to some incredible music. And speaking of music, check out the music link on the sidebar; it'll only take a minute. These may sound like simple things, and they are, but they are good things. Things I crave.

I can't help but wonder where this feeling fits in, though.... I keep thinking that I'd like to hop nude into a tub of paint or better yet, have someone paint directly on me then roll around on a canvas. Suppose I should consider acrylics as opposed to oils for this venture. And a very large canvas. I think it's just about a part of me that I've been pushing down that really wants to express itself. Yeah, I know... the mentally unstable exhibitionist side...lol. Your spirit can get tamped down without you even realizing it and I think this is a way that my mind is telling me to take notice. All of the little things I mentioned above seem to have gathered together to remind me that I do indeed have a lively, saucy side.

I've been apologizing for things I haven't done and quite frankly, even if I have done some of them... who cares? It's not like it's the downfall of civilization as we know it! I'm having fun and hope that I can share a little of that fun with those I come into contact with.

So now I'm getting back into true LiVEwiRe mode... now where are those paint brushes...

Will the Redhead in the Back Row Please Shut the Hell Up?!

Perhaps it is the time of season - warm weather is approaching, green is slowly appearing, the days are growing longer... Ok, well, I'd like to be able to link it to that, but I'd be in some serious denial. The problem I'm referring to is the one where no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to keep my big mouth shut...

Maybe I can blame planetary alignment. I've been getting myself into situations that I'd rather avoid and consequently being left out of some situations that I'd rather get into. (Does that even make a little sense?) My foot seems to be rather intimately drawn to my mouth lately. It's kind of funny in a dark, emotionally twisted sort of way... the people I don't mean to offend are ultimately the ones I offend. Or frighten away. Then, the ones I wouldn't mind offending, seem to line up for more. Perhaps I can blame it on the tide... yeah, the tide.

From moment to moment, I seem to lose more of my filter. At times, it's like I have absolutely NO internal monologue! Did my urgency of speech suddenly revert back to what it was when I was 4 or 5?! Oh sure, it's 'cute' when a kid says something untamed but at the age of 34, I fear it comes across more along the lines of 'disturbing'. I know... clowns! I'll blame clowns... hate the menacing bastards anyway...

Don't misunderstand, I'm all for saying what is on your mind, even at the risk of (gasp) not fitting in. This is different, though, in the way that I suspect I'm pushing people away a little bit and I can't seem to catch it as I'm doing it. Or better yet, before I do it. It's always that damned hindsight that is so keen, isn't it? It's just difficult to see someone recoil (even tactfully) and knowing that had you been more mindful of your own actions, things might not be this way. Then again, maybe it would - hard to say, really. Either way, it is really bothering me.

I've got it... I'll blame Dubya. (We have a winner folks!)

I've got to find the place where I took the wrong turn. I've always been pretty much left of center, rather outgoing and outspoken. Combine that with a vivid imagination, bipolar disorder, and having a lot to say about nothing in particular and the stamina with which to carry it out and it is a form of mayhem all it's own. But it is my mayhem, and I like it. Usually. I'm just not sure what triggered my lack of filter lately. I'm confident that I'll figure it out but I'd like to do it before I hurt anyone else's feeling, piss more people off, acquire a creepy fan-base, or generally offend someone else with comments taken out of context.

Of course, I can't be too quiet... no one would recognize me! =)

I'm an idiot...

For any nice positive thing that anyone may have ever said about me - just take it back now. I am a total fucking idiot. "Why?", you ask? Oh there are many reasons. I simply can't seem to control myself. Perhaps this is why I shouldn't drink. Or put myself within range of other humans for that matter. I hurt them and I hurt me. I don't mean to, it just happens.

And let me just vent about one thing for a moment. Indulge me, ok? I went to my friend's boyfriend's house and we had a bonfire, beer, and visiting friends and neighbors. One of the neighbors mistook my friendliness and mannerisms as way more than that and ended up hitting on me with the proverbial 'sledgehammer'. Shit. Apparently everyone there knew of his intentions by the time I was ready to leave - he had been telling everyone that I was 'really something special' and that he'd 'do me'. Lovely; that's really special. I thought he was fun up until that point - then I immediately dropped all contact. When I left, he gave me the 'secret' 1985 handshake that tells you that someone wants you without actually using the words. Ew. If you aren't sure what that is, ask someone. And promise me you'll never do it. Anyway, I just met the guy. Furthermore, he's married! Let me just take this moment to say that there is only one married guy that I know of that I feel any kind of attraction to, and it is purely cerebral. Nothing more. This fucker ended up making me feel like a bit of a whore. That was not my intention nor do I plan on editing my personality in the future to avoid such lowlife. What a penis. I hate the fact that I let it bother me so much. There is a certain portion of my stomach that is churning at the moment and it has 'beer' and 'stupid married guy' written all over it. I actually feel filthy.

These are beer-fueled words but they are true words. I do not lead people on with unrealistic expectations. I have not done anything wrong. Yet some inbred excuse for a man has decided that he can club me over the head, drag me to his cave, and make me his own for a night. Fuck him. And fuck every guy out there that has the same pathetic mentality. Thanks asshole, for ruining what started out as a fun evening. You have just succeeded in adding another layer to the wall that I keep around me.

He is the reason I am reluctant to let my guard down. Bastard. I need a shower...

Oh the horror!

Has Blogger been pissing you off, too? I'm incredibly frustrated by this. When I had the time to post yesterday, it denied me. How DARE it! Argh!

Anyway... I made it through my first two lectures! I had about a 2 minute time frame where I was trying to nestle into the role comfortably. After that it was smooth sailing. I had the ability to talk about something important to me and, well, I can talk the bark off a tree anyway... it was a good combination. The students (both day and night classes) had so many questions, and I actually felt helpful! It was a good experience.

Which brings me to the next thing... she wants me to do this at least once per quarter! Oh, 'she' is Mrs. V - my fabulous former instructor. Everything was made official, the students all had to evaluate me and Mrs. V really is convinced I should teach. She told me that she knows her current students well enough and they were absolutely hanging on my every word. Wow. Kind of cool, kind of weird. According to her I have a 'presence'. It's all very flattering (so that means I don't really know what to make of it) but I'm just glad it helped them and gave them things to consider for getting out into the world of pharmacy along with a realistic depiction of it. After all, I am not the kind to blow sunshine up anyone's ass.

I'm reading a new book. I love to read - I have nerd tendencies (proudly). The one thing I can say about this book is that I have never known an author (or any individual) to be so enthralled by bodily secretions, especially those from the nose and mouth. Serious, serious focus on that. But one character in particular has captured my interest, pity, and my sympathy... so there is no turning back. I'm willing to trudge through 710 pages of mucus-filled musings for this one character. Something tells me it'll be well worth it.

Off for a glimpse into Snotfest 2005. Oh, I mean, I'm going to read for a while... good night. =)

It's been ages!

Hey all you cool cats out there in BlogLand....

Yes, I know I'm an ass (see above)... no need to point out the obvious. Been sick and busy - how fun is THAT? Jealous, eh?

So tomorrow I have to give my 'talks' or 'lectures' or whatever you want to call them. Good thing is that they are at least 18 years of age and I doubt I can be sued if I swear like a sailor in front of them. I won't try to offend - I'll be on my best behavior! Come to think of it, that's really not too good... Oh well. I'm over it. I have nothing prepared... past the part where I tell them my name, title, and that I am not in any way representing my employer. I feel more comfortable this way, though... and for me it is soooo much less pressure. Honestly, I know I can keep their interest. If all else fails, I'll flash them or something. I'm pretty excited about it.

So we got another winter storm... um... ARE WE DONE YET? This really sucks. Every year I talk about moving to a more constant, mild climate and every Spring I sit here bitching because I didn't. Anyone living in a fabulously mild climate care to tell me where it is so I can move there, too?

Well, off to work in the dungeon... at least I'm in the IV room tonight. I love being in there... plus I get to have my music on and sing way off key becuase the vent system is quite loud in there. Oh, well I hope it's as loud as I think it is... otherwise I've been belting out off key lyrics for a couple of years and no one has bothered to tell me.

If you see a headline reading, "Guest lecturer arrested for indecent exposure... gets asked back for second lecture"... that would be me! =)