Even I can laugh at this!

Of course there are many things I could be addressing at this time; some good, some not so good. Let's just say the past few days have not, in much of any way, gone as planned. So although my frame of mind is still rather fragile I'm not scheduling to hurl my body onto any of the numerous train tracks here in the 'Burgh.

The entire point of this post is to show you my unmentionables.

Yep, you read correctly. Or, perhaps I should call them my unidentifiables. Know how some people (when referring to cooking) say they can 'burn water'? Well here's my laundry-based version....


Yep. I melted... freaking annihilated... my unmentionables. Until they became unidentifiables. There was another item that sustained some damage but not nearly so drastic. I think you could substitute this for the center of a tennis racket; it's like hard plastic!

After this little mishap I'm sooo asking Victoria for her Secret. I bet she doesn't have this problem. Damned dryers anyway.

Declare this an emergency...

(Title from Muse ~ Apocalypse Now.)

This is a bad moment in time. Very, very bad. Tears are flowing and thoughts are slamming around in my head. Disjointed. Negative. I'd knock down walls if it would help. I'd bleed myself if I thought there was a chance that it might right the wrongs. But those things won't help.

Several days ago a thought came back to me that I hadn't let myself think of for about a year and a half. It's always there, though, lurking. Waiting. Now it's back.

See, last week I caught the end of an old song on the radio that was a favorite of someone close to me. Someone that may still be alive had I done the right thing. But I didn't. At the time, I didn't know the circumstances but it doesn't matter; death is death. Five and a half years later, I still feel responsible. Right or wrong, that's how I feel.

When I broke down over this a year and a half ago, it eventually subsided. I'm ready for the numbness to creep in. Feeling responsible for a death is truly alot to handle. It will be there forever, though. How can you forget something like that?


This is the last time I'll abandon you
and this is
the last time I'll forget you
I wish I could

(Muse ~ Stockholm Syndrome)

Ignore this post.

No, really. It's just going to be me putting a bunch of vague, psychobabble stuff here to have an account of what is going on in my head and maybe, with a little luck, come back and reread it sometime and learn from it. That being said, let the babbling begin...

How can one person be so conflicted, have a decent grip of right and wrong, sensible and nonsensible, care too much, yet not care at all? My edginess lately has less to do with others and more to do with my state of mind yet somehow I seem to have no problem snapping at others. Perhaps it is easier to do that than to examine my own porous state of mind. There is so much going on in my head but part of me is almost distancing myself from it. Yeah, yeah, it's called self preservation, I know, but identifying a term doesn't necessarily make me more comfortable with it. I should know better and be able to put all these things in their proper place; shoulda, coulda, woulda...blah, blah, blah.

In one respect, I think I know what one of the problems is. And it kills me to admit it. I think I'm having a bout of lonliness. Blech. There. I said it. I talk to my family and a few friends from Ohio, but you know, it's just not the same as having someone near by. Most of my life I've been more than happy to have my own privacy, space, and the option to see and talk to people whenever I saw fit. Now things have changed. It's like that choice has been taken away and I'm feeling it; completely the opposite (yet not dissimilar) to when I had no privacy or time to myself before I moved. It's sad when you strike up conversations with your cell phone carrier and utility company reps because you are obviously craving some sort of human interaction. If I got telemarketing calls, they'd probably hang up on me... Part of me just wants to have someone to be there. Considering that I detest the idea of being dependent on another person, I think I could use just a little of that.

Just like everyone else in the world, I'm sure, I'm trying to find where I fit in the scheme of things. That's difficult to do when you feel like you've temporarily lost your sense of self. I say temporarily because I know this will pass. Hopefully I'll learn something from it, but in the mean time, man, this just plain blows. And the things is, I really don't think this is a manic or depressive episode - it's just simply what I feel. That kind of makes it harder because I see it as more 'real'; not some set of exaggerated thoughts and feelings that will morph back into reality given meds and time. This is reality. That's always harder to cope with. So yes, I'm edgy and depressed, but my guess is because I'm actually facing these things head on knowing that they are what I am truly feeling, not a temporary surge or absence of neurotransmitters in my gray matter. I'm edgy and depressed because I have to face the fact that only I have the answers... and you know what? Funny thing is I'm fresh out of answers.

Another thing I really need to come to terms with is how to make certain thoughts leave my head. They aren't bad thoughts in this case, other than the fact that they are taking up too much time in my head and there will be no culmination of events to solidify these thoughts. No, not bad per se, but somewhat self-torturing. I do have a great deal of common sense (somewhere) and I know that putting energy into these thoughts is not only futile but completely irrelevant and utterly pointless. It's useless. For the one case I have in mind, I know that. I tell myself this and remind myself to be strong. Yeah, it works for a day at best. Somehow I get drawn back into it. Where does my sense go? Is there a hiding place that calls out to my better judgment and offers shelter leaving me looking like a fool, exhausted from emotionally banging my head against a wall? For this situation, I know there will be a day that it crumbles; I just don't know how soon it will be. I'm not taking a defeatist attitude, it's just a simple fact. When it happens, I'll take it hard. But then the release will begin. Part of me wishes that it would happen sooner rather than later because sadly, I can't seem to break free on my own.

Well, I've just read this post over and oddly, I sound somewhat in control with a matter-of-fact tone. Interestingly, I must have a major duality issue because that is not at all what I'm feeling. Just because I can put it into words doesn't mean I have a clue as to how to make myself feel better. They do say that identifying it is half the battle. Great. Then the rest of the battle should be a real treat. Hopefully the carnage will be kept to a minimum.

Ah shit.

Today is peculiar already. Somewhere between getting out of bed, peeing, and getting something to drink, a major case of the 'antsy-crankies' has set upon me. Maybe it's because for the most part, I've been taking things in stride. It's like, within 12.3 seconds, it all caught up to me. I'm tired of babysitting chronological adults, doing others' jobs for them, and trying to keep track of everything and anything. I really, really don't like being in the position to have to 'believe' people when they tell me things or fighting for the most common and mundane things to work out. Yet somehow, I always feel compelled to do more... to make things work. Then I just piss myself off.

Yes, this is vague, but you know what? If I really let loose now, I mean really just let it all fly, well, let's just say it would get ugly. I'm not sure I want to be responsible for that. I'll tell ya' - some days...

Motto for the day: fuck off

Mishmoshashonna

Oh the millions of little things rushing through my brain. Oddly, even with that, it kind of feels like a big vacuum up there - how does that work?!

Alright, with the mention of the shopping trip on the weekend I'll say that I got some business-like attire (explanation coming), a few CDs (happy birthday to me), and although I didn't buy it, I tried on the cutest little dress. Really, I didn't buy it, but it was so cute it made me giggle! Truthfully, I think it looked way cuter on me than on the model. Might sound smug but no, it's simple truth. ;)


It looked like a combination between an 'I Love Lucy' dress and a pin-up girl dress. You'd have to wear it with 1940s platform pumps to make it look really good, though. The sweet little cherry print kind of offset the fitted bodice. If I only had somewhere to wear it...

Anyway, the business attire is for a possible upcoming interview. Yes, I put any job searches on hold, but this was something I applied for 4 months ago and they are just now beginning to set up interviews. I passed the first portion of the screening process today and now it's on to management if they see fit to interview me. Until I hear back, the tags stay on the clothes. I'll let you know if anything happens.

Almost thought I'd get away with no one knowing about my birthday at work, but it didn't work that way. One guy brought in a cake and a card for me, which was really sweet. (The guy and the cake both.) Kind of hard to hide it when there's a big cake saying 'Happy Birthday LiVEwiRe' right there on the conference room table. And most of my family remembered....lol. For a moment I was reliving the scene in Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald's family forgot her birthday. At one point someone asks her if she remembered something to which she replied a bit caustically, 'Yes, I remember lots of things.' That was a good movie, wasn't it?

Have you ever known someone you've felt rather drawn to, and you're pretty sure they feel the same thing to some extent, but nothing manifests with it? Gah! It's so frustrating! It makes me hate them sometimes. Then that dissipates and I just... can't... help... myself! Like a moth to the flame. Just give me the damn ZAP and be done with me, ok?

The lovely little plant I've been trying to grow (and occasionally yet unintentionally kill) has momentarily defied the odds. It's still on shaky roots but the little thing has a new shoot! Hot damn! If you knew me and my relationship with plants, you'd understand that this is a miracle of biblical proportions. Hmpfh... seems it wanted more water or something involved and technical like that. Go figure.

Why don't cars have 'slow down' lights on them? I mean, they have brake lights but why not ones that are, oh, say blue or something to just indicate when the idiot in front of you has either taken their foot off the brake going uphill or decided to downshift?! Would that be so hard? In a city built on some severe hills, that would come in handy. People are too lazy to brake sometimes and should you take your eyes off them for just a moment (perhaps to eye up the jackass flying up at warp speeds to suck on your tailpipe) you may miss the fact that they are slowing down. By default, you then become the jackass trying to suck on a tailpipe. Would this be such a radical option on vehicles?!

About a week ago I woke up and immediately thought that I had to talk to Eric. Um, ok. I don't know any Eric. Do you? Is he worth talking to? If so, why? Brain cells are weird.

Speaking of brain cells, I've been trying to get an appointment with my psych doc for almost a week. I've left three messages. Um... don't you think it's dangerous not to return calls from psych patients? I mean, it's just for an appointment but still, it's not good to piss off the crazies.

There's about 16 other goofy thoughts running through my head but I'm going to stop. I need to get out of 'babble mode' before I go to work. Although I have no idea why - they're used to it.

I'll just blame it on the heat

Or Mercury being in retrograde. Poor Mercury gets such a bad rap being blamed for everything but hey, someone has to be the fallguy, right?

Lately, things have been a real struggle; I feel like I'm just endlessly spawning. Don't get me wrong, nothing has been really horrendous, it's just that even the most simple things are noticeably, well, noticeable. You know, like when you attempt the simplest task and it turns into some comedy of errors? Just about everything is like that. Worst part? It's draining and time comsuming. Best part? It's funny in a slightly twisted kind of way. Meh, just mentioning it, that's all. I'm taking it in stride for the most part.

It's hot here. Not so much hot as disgustingly humid. I'm breaking a sweat just typing this. Blech. Adding insult to injury, I have to go clothes shopping tomorrow... have to. The thought of that usually bothers me but in this case, I'm only focusing on the cool air-conditioned comfort of the department stores. Hell, I may stay there all day. Speaking of hell, if it's hot there (as rumor has it), that's doable; if it's humid too - I'd better change my wicked ways. I don't think I could deal with an eternity of humidity.

Hey, here's something fun - I got a call from a friend I haven't seen in about 2.5 years (although we write and email, etc.) and she is coming into town tonight. Wow, I actually have plans for once. I'm just really excited to see her! She's one of those people that you can just sit and laugh with, even over things that you shouldn't be laughing at! =)

Annnnd... since I haven't done it in a while, I'm including a link. A certain Blogger (no names mentioned, FM) turned me on to this song a little while back and I've just had it cranked all day. It's rather gritty, grindy and raunchy sounding in a Brit kind of way; excellent if you ask me. But since you haven't asked me, I thought I'd offer my commentary anyway. So, go here and listen to Supermassive Black Hole.

Gotta go for now but I'll be around visiting tomorrow!

Something wicked this way comes...

And I don't mean my dental bill, or a mild mania phase, or even my attempt to find a new abode. This, this is much worse...

I came in from work tonight and unbeknownst to me at the time, I was being watched. By how many eyes I can't be sure. All I know is that I sat down to listen to my voice mail and thats when I saw it. With unsettlingly stealthy moves, it crawled into the huge heating vent on the floor. I only saw what I'd like to assume was the back half, but I can tell you this... I'm surprised I didn't hear footsteps. It was huge. Now, we know I have a particular dislike when it comes to spiders, so I really hope that's not what this overgrown creature was. No matter, I am not too keen on this thing being loose in MY living space. It pays no rent. And even if it did, I don't think I'd be up for such a living arrangement. Judging by the size of it, I'd say it belongs in a zoo somewhere being fed slabs of raw meat. I'm supposing that any stray fuzz or thread that touches me will now cause me to scream like a little sissy. Certain that this genetic anomoly is out to get me, I'll undoubtedly get very little sleep. Do you think it would be overkill to pour cement into all my vents?

Ah, anyway. Hopefully I'll get to catch up on blogs this weekend. I've really missed seeing what everyone is up to. If you don't hear from me it just means that this many-legged beast has dragged me off to be meals number 623 - 12,971; not to worry. Ahem.