Sometimes I find it very difficult being me. Or rather, the sort of person that I am. I am so at odds with myself that daily living is a constant struggle. I suppose I've gotten used to it for the most part. But there are times that I just want to hide.
I had to make a choice recently and I believe I've lost a friend over it. A friend of ~13 years. Now, this friend and I have a history of my life not fitting into her standards. She comes from a big family that actually likes one another. Her health is great. She has a great house (her boyfriend's) and then her boyfriend who loves her. She has friends that she grew up with and is still in contact with those from college. Her job is about as secure as you can get these days and she gets paid more than I do to play on Facebook all day...
If you've ever paid attention to anything I've said, you know that is just about the opposite of my life. Though she has been rather tolerant, last year we had this falling out over my health (or lack thereof) being an issue and being the reason I canceled things we'd planned. She's right. Although I can't see how I'm supposed to drag myself out for a night at the bar or a picnic when I'm sick. I could. And often I did, but she never really knew. So this coming weekend is her birthday but this past weekend was a surprise celebration. The night before I'd confirmed with our mutual friend but the day of the event I was sick. I had to cancel. She thought we were just meeting after she went to dinner. I tried to explain the severity of the situation but considering that I had all but stopped telling her anything about my health since the last argument, she really didn't get it. We planned to go to lunch the next day and I left a voicemail message but pretty much just got a terse reply via email. Sent another email yesterday but haven't heard a word.
Is it my fault that I cancel? Yep. But you know what? I don't like that being the situation. It's also hard for me to drive almost an hour and a half one way being in pain, just to sit around and NOT even have a drink (which I'd be getting all kinds of shit over) because I have to drive an hour and a half back. And I'm leaving out some nasty details, too. She probably thinks that I don't think she's important enough to find the time to spend with her but that's not it. But I can't defend myself anymore. And I don't want to be a shitty friend to her, but I can't be there like she wants me to be. I won't be trying to contact her again. She knows where I am. I understand her point of view and can't fault her for it.
But when I get bitchy and say things referring to me separating from other people, no one really needs to judge me on that. This is proof, once again, that I really am not good enough to hold up any sort of relationship from my end. That is something that I have to adjust to. Mostly I have, but then I get this urge to be sociable and it all falls apart. I distance myself because in the end, it happens anyway. Might as well be on my terms.
It's odd. I don't consider myself lonely (probably because I've conditioned myself to not want people to be close) but I do feel very alone. Not that it's totally unpleasant, it's my goal, really, but it is just something I notice.
3 comments:
OK, I'm with you on this one. I have underlying health problems that make it difficult for me to maintain a social life - I cancelled my one night out this month on Wed through illness, and I know the people involved were a bit exasperated with me.
I have also tried being friends with healthy people with fairly sorted lives and it just doesn't work. There is an inherent lack of understanding that things don't always go in a straight line. That life sucking is the norm, not the exception. I also understand their point of view regarding the fact I should 'pull myself together' - but it isn't quite that simple.
I also have an issue in that I don't want to have to explain myself every time I'm sick to everyone around me, who don't understand my illness - you may be in the same boat? At the end of the day, it's my business to manage it as well as I can and no one elses.
Take care, and I'm sure that things will sort themselves out. 13 years is a long time to be friends.
GD xx
You know what? it's her loss. if she is a real friend to you, she will understand. Don't beat yourself up about it, you are entitled to bomb out and not attend social events from time to time, if you don't feel up to it then tough. But don't constantly do it, you need to keep getting invited out! Try and go to stuff - but heavens driving for three hours (there and back) is a bit much even for 'fit' people.
GingerDolly - You definitely know what I'm talking about. And like me, you see their side as well. It just seems that it is such a gray area and I don't know whether to just throw in the towel or what?! I think I'd be very frustrated with me if I were my friend... er, you know what I mean. But like you said, it just isn't that neat and tidy. Everyone gets angry at you for canceling but no one ever thinks how it would be if they had to adjust THEIR life around illnesses. Frustrating on all counts, I do suppose. :/
Carrot - Well, surprisingly she is speaking to me on a limited basis. And I understand her being guarded. At least she hasn't told to to totally fuck off, so that is an ok thing. Right? And you are right - I do have to be careful that I don't take myself out of the mix altogether.
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