Is it 'practicality in spades' or a case of 'I'm stingy'

Stingy. Stingey? I think it's the former. Anyway.

With the holidays come all the sales. Doesn't even matter if you participate in the holiday or not, the sales and general shopping will be shoved down your throat. Sideways.

For just about the last year, my camera has been dead. I don't know whether I thought I could resurrect it because it is currently sitting on a table in my bedroom (collecting dust). It is dead. It has been dead. It will never see life again while in my hands. Yet, there it sits. So anyway - a few days ago I snooped on the internet and bought a nice little 12.2 mp that seems like it will be great for my needs. And will certainly be better than my cell. But the point is, I bought it.

Now, with all these crazy sales, I should be getting myself a computer. Mine is six years old and has been ridden hard and put away wet, so to speak. I'm going from a desktop to a laptop. Eeeeventually. I already bought my mom one for christmas and gave it to her - she loves it. This would be a good time to get myself one. This pc of mine has really earned the right to rest. But instead I'm preparing to renew my virus protection on it in the next day or two.

The new iPod Touch 4th generation is out - which I really want, but don't need. I've seen some great navigation pieces (Garmins and Nuvis and such) but again, that's a want, not a need. Besides, I can still read a fucking map and have excellent navigational skills plus common sense for most travel situations. I wouldn't even mind buying a used one - I'm not one of those people that will have these items attached to me at all times.

But I'm getting away from myself. My mother is not working and struggling with basic bills. I help her as much as possible without offending her. I know I have to change jobs and most likely living quarters, so I need to be wise about how I'd fund that. So I got my camera and in a way that was kind of a big step because the cell 'would do'. Even though it doesn't, know what I'm saying? When the pc dies, I'll swear alot and get a new one then, unless there happens to be an utterly brilliant deal on one tomorrow (Cyber Monday).

My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and would use something until it fell apart - fearing that another would not be readily available. I am not at all that severe in my behavior but I almost feel like something is wrong with me in this disposable/upgradable society, and at this time of year, because I try to not be wasteful nor do I feel the need to run out and upgrade to the next cell or iPod the minute the new one comes out. Ok - the camera thing was just lazy, plus I looked numerous times and just didn't see anything I liked.

So because I can say 'no' to a nifty little gadget, is that practical or stingy? I think I want it, but it may end up tossed at the bottom of my purse like so many other things. I have the money for it. For all of them. But it just doesn't seem like a smart choice. Except the laptop, if I get something that will be first.

Ick - holidays. My sensibility goes into overdrive.

When I do it, I do it up GOOD!

Unfortunately, in this case we're talking about vomiting. This body does not readily vomit. I will be sick and suffering beyond belief and yet nothing happens. So the finger goes down the throat and I envision licking the sink (or toilet... depending on where I'm hanging my head) and that's all it takes. Really gross yet terribly effective. Well. The stomach jinnis attacked me today and there were, to put it kindly 20+ head-hanging episodes. All I will say is that I will NOT be eating hummus for quite a while (shame) and I've now learned what happens to cheese when it sits in your stomach for a good 12 hours undigested. It really doesn't change much...

Now I'd like to go to bed and my neighbor is apparently having a battle-of-the-bands at his house. Really poor timing. Pretty sure I can sleep through it anyway.

I've ordered a new camera so maybe within the next few weeks I can get some new random pics. I miss doing that. Also, with a little tweaking, I think I'm going to like this new template on here.

Spoiler Alert, haha

There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I mean, I knew this and have said it on different occasions, it just seems to be culminating in this chaotic vaccuum at the moment.

Given some time and planning I think I'll be leaving. I mean everywhere. No forwarding address. For some reason I can't interact with others. Nothing will ever be right with me. These are things I can't change and for as many years as I've been alive, no one has found a way to help me.

I'll leave, reinvent, and struggle again - just in a new place with new people. Maybe I can learn to keep my distance and my mouth shut. Or maybe just one. I can't keep going on hurting people I care about, and even myself. If I can narrow down the list, then I will have met with success.

Something is just wrong and I don't think there is a way to fix it.

Second in a series on 'the life and times' of LiVEwiRe

I wrote the previous post first because I knew it would be easier and because I didn't really know what to think about the topic I'm going to write about now. Funny thing is, I still have no idea. But I'm making progress. As I see it, I've got to blurt it out so I can really see what I think. I know there are few people reading this blog these days and I don't think anything I say is really going to shock anyone. If it does, well, so be it. I'll be damned if I'll apologize for the level of odd in my life to anyone.

Background - go here.

And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I had an appointment to get test results. On the bright side I guessed immediately that the doc ruled out lung cancer when he walked in, hugged me and immediately kissed me. Yep - full on, just like last time. This man is interested in me. I do not know of anyone, ANYONE, who has been to any medical appointment where their doctor has given them a lingering kiss four times in less than 20 minutes. Or at all, for that matter. (Still, no molar licking, thank god - this is pretty much awkward enough.) Out of that time, about five minutes was spent with him having his hands behind my head - so our faces were really close. He made comments to me and I knew that he was trying to gauge my response - he wanted to know my interest level. As in, would I consider additional smooching outside work - haha.

So, here's the question - would I? Like I said in the other post, I've had this harmless crush on him for years. I don't think he's available. But I don't know. His circumstances may have changed. I never really thought he'd be so, so, intimate (?) during my appointment. I will say, in his defense, that he addressed the situation at hand, discussed another medical concern with me. He listened to my heart and lungs with not so much as a hint of inappropriate behavior - he was total business. We talked about a diagnosis given to me by another doc and he really gave me some good insight. He was the professional he is paid to be.

So where does this switch come into play? He's made it clear that he's interested. Oddly, he even commented on the fact that he sees me on the nursing floors all the time and commented on my rapport and outspoken nature with the nurses. Ok... so does this mean you're listening and paying attention when I'm around? I told him flat out that I've seen him many times and opted to not bother him because he looked busy. I was respecting his profession and responsibility to his patients. But he knew I was there.

Here's the deal. I do like this guy. In general, I mean. All I have to do is suggest coffee or something like that and it's on. And I don't know if I want that because I don't know his status. I would totally go have a cup of coffee with him even if he is still married - that isn't a big deal, married people do have friends. But even if it's just a cup of coffee, he's a physician... a specialist in the area. Very well known. That simple act could cause him serious grief. The most I'd lose is my job and we all know how I feel about my job. But I have to be ready if he insinuates he's interested in more. Just to say - when I left the exam room he gave me another hug - full body, like last time. Apparently he was really, really happy to see me. And yes, that's what I mean.

I have never had any grand scheme to 'land a doctor'. (Although given my something-always-going-on state of health it would be convenient, lol.) Whether you sweep floors part time or are an astrophysicist, I really don't care. I don't want anyone's money or status. If I like you, I like you.

Perhaps I'll tell him we should meet for coffee sometime and leave it at that. Let him take it from there. Nothing has to happen and I'm not sure either one of us would want anything more to happen. Granted, it was clear that he was pretty glad to see me, but sometimes that's all it is. I do have a feeling that all I'd have to do is say the word and clothes would be on the floor. Really, his behavior was pretty bold, yet he's not a pushy guy. I don't need to be anyone's second in line. Won't be. I'd just like to get the chance to truly talk to him over coffee and see what he's like.

I have to laugh. I really do. It's a bit of an awkward laugh, but I'm finding some humor nonetheless.

Well hot damn, I got a makeover! But that still doesn't trump my day.

Truth is, this day has been so odd that I will have to break it into two posts. Which, given the order these are being typed, you'll see that disclaimer after reading the other, which will show as the first but actually be the second. Technology is a slippery bugger.

Ok, I went to my cousin's birthday party at the bar where she works. Since I had to work, I didn't get there til 10:30pm, well after the majority of partygoers were slurring and hanging on one another. Meh, that's how it is there. Cousin's hubby likes me. Alot. More than he should. And I'd appreciate it if he didn't try to slip his hands down inside the back of my jeans. He's a nice guy, I actually do really like him as a person - he's got a good heart. It's just those wandering hands he needs to work on. Trying to hang out and talk (everyone, mind you) means you have to lean in close to hear over the DJ. Hands trying to wander in shirt. You get the idea. He told me when I first got there that he just is really attracted to me and finds me incredibly sexy, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ok, obviously this is true because he's been trying to get with me for years. Apparently he forgets he's married to my cousin. I cannot say a word to her. Long story but it would end up being my fault, even if I told her so that she knew what he was doing. Tough situation for me to know that she's in and she doesn't even know she's in it. Perhaps I have to face the fact that some people have odd interactions in their relationships and that it isn't my business. Except that it is because he's all over me. I'm artful in getting out of it and avoiding anything that would seem out of the ordinary to the casual onlooker. Problem is, one day there will be more than a casual onlooker.

But I went, as promised and had an ok time. One shot, one beer and that was it. Stayed a couple hours and drove a drunk friend home. I can't say I miss those days. For the record, grape vodka sounds a hell of alot better than it tastes.

So the night ended, no hard feelings. I'm starting to recognize others as the flawed individuals that they are... that we all are. That I am. It makes it easier to remind myself that I am just as flawed and have no room to judge. I may not like it and have every right to avoid it or speak my mind, but no ones stupid flaws (as such) should overshadow the good they are capable of and live everyday. Does it make it slightly shady and kind of shitty? Sure. But we're all human and that is just what we do.

Happy birthday 'cuz! xoxo

If I told you what I wanted to say, you'd think I was nuts

More accurately, it would solidify your near-perfect hunch that I'm nuttier than you already believe me to be. So I'm going to talk about something else. A few something elses.

I made plans to meet with a girl that I used to be best friends with for a couple years in high school. Lost all contact for many years until a family member ran into her and say, 'Hey, aren't you so-and-so?' and so goes the story. We communicate by facebook grunts and I finally figured shit or get off the fuckin' pot! So we're meeting for coffee this weekend. Whatever. It's either fun or it's not - I'm ok with it either way. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter if it's a one time deal or not. Then I think I'm going to dinner with another friend, got invited to a bar with yet another friend, and will be going to my cousin's drunken birthday bash in just about 22 hours. They will be drunk, I'll be getting off work. I could really pass on almost all these things (and should because I have so much to do around the house) but that's the easy way out. I'm sure I'll do at least two of the four things - that's still awesome for me. Last week I went to dinner and two parties. What on earth is going on here, people?!

This past week and a half to two weeks have been a bit stressful as far as health goes. One more set of big test results tomorrow - hope I pass with flying colors. I'm not really worrying though, because what is, already is. No use in wondering 'what if'. Hoping this particular saga is ending but I still have to retest in six months from last week's saga. I don't mind talking about it, just not yet. No need to put it in my mind before bed. Like I said, what is, is.

Oh, I know what else... guess what I saw a couple days ago? No, come on - a real guess. Well, perched high atop a deadwood, I saw a bald eagle! Yay me! This is the third time I've seen one over maybe 3-4 years but still, it is amazing. It's hunting season - I wish I could hide it from all the yahoos out there that'd like to mount it on their wall but I can't. There is something special about seeing them so close to home, just hanging out.

Lastly, my kitty saga goes on. The little booger I picked up roadside? Well, he's back with me (long story - I'll spare you) but supposedly has to stay outside - the enclosed patio only with bad weather. Well, he's already sneezing and horking and gagging and has quite the lovely runny eye. Fuck. It's clear, so it may not be an infection - perhaps an allergic reaction to all the crumbling leaves and mold outside. He really doesn't have much of an immune system in that respect. So I've got to decide whether to medicate, which isn't the bad part. The bad part is that if he can't stay out because he's always sick, I have no idea what to do. This was his last option before euthanasia. We'll see.

And I'm back in touch with my half sister again. Which I still can't grasp.

And somehow the holidays are coming up. ::sigh::

I guess I just had to say these things somewhere, somehow. Only so much can build up in my head without a release.

Just a word relating to privacy and modern times

Eventually I caved and got a Facebook account this summer. I use it to get updates from musicians regarding cd release dates, concerts... I use it to get updates from stores, parks, businesses and local points of interest so that the information comes to me, I don't have to find it. Of course I play a couple of games now and then and comment on friends' walls as well as send the occasional message.

Now. My settings are minimal as far as who can see what. It's limited to friends and there are less than 50. In Facebook terms I might as well not even have a page because of that. Truth be told, that's too many for me. I have JUST allowed a pic of me (other than in Halloween garb) to be tagged with my name (consequently, only my first and middle names - not my last name, so no one can really search me). Everything appears to be blocked right where I want it to be blocked.

I just found that in two instances, a former friend (that doesn't really get the 'former' thing) has somehow been able to comment on comments I've made on a mutual friend's wall. Now. I am supposed to be invisible to him unless we are on a common page (think Pepsi or Volkswagen). All my settings hold. We know several of the same people. At this point I told our mutual friend that I will not be commenting on anything she says as I do not want this guy up my ass. If I did, he'd be one of my friends on Facebook. I've ignored his request.

Yes, it may seem like an overreaction, but it really isn't. If HE can see me, who else? I've made my life's work maintaining anonymity for safety reasons. It is now a habit I will most likely never break. There were people I had to hide from. Still people that I don't want finding me and for very good reason. Yet somehow this weasly little fucker can see me? If he sees my comments elsewhere and comments on them, I'll have no option but to delete all the people on my account and just keep the public pages.

If that doesn't work, I'll delete the whole account - it's not that big of a deal. Just a few adjustments I'd have to make. And this is precisely WHY I put off dealing with Facebook for so long. Nothing is private, even when it appears to be. There is always some glitch or override mechanism that will expose you.

This is why I like it here. It feels much safer. Why I thought I'd be ok with using a social networking site in the way it was intended is beyond me. Perhaps my pared down version will be better. I do not do well with my privacy being breached. Geez - look how long it took me to put up a pic on here! And it's dark at that.

One day I shall be a hermitess... With a blog. ;)

Forty Six and 2

It started with a bit of flirting. The kind that has no basis, just that you are all in a room together and you've all been talking long enough so that when one ever-so-slightly suggestive comment is made, various people pipe up with their come backs. Just that kind.

There was some slight escalation and I got this super quick, really light (almost not there) kiss from this guy. Kind of surprised because I really get the idea that over the past couple years that I've been vaguely acquainted with him, that he really doesn't care to even be around me. No big deal because I think he's kind of an ass from what I know, which isn't much.

Maybe an hour or so later we were clearing things to clean up from the party and he made a comment about it being a good time to give me my official halloween kiss. I could see where this was going but I let it go there. He was my experiment. A few escalating kisses later and I sort of gently pushed him away explaining that we'd better get down there with everyone else.

I felt nothing. Not one single thing. At all. That's why I called him my experiment. He's quirky, has fun stories, is attractive and is all muscle because of his job (still an ass, but an interesting one, at least). You'd think some kiss time with this guy would illicit some sort of response, even given his tendency to be an ass. Something. But nope. Nothing. I think I've dulled my senses (in that respect) to the point of near non-existence. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But what I can tell you is that when the day comes that my senses do respond, I'm going to be in big, big trouble.

Because it will either work or it won't and I'm equally frightened. Good experiment tonight - and I never, ever saw that one coming!