Stolen from the Peanut Queen because I am unable to think of anything remotely decent to write about, I figured I'd just play along like all the other kids...
1. Accent - Well, you heard me on my audio post, so I think that says it all. Not much of an accent to speak of but I tend to pick up a slight bit of wherever I am living at the time. (Ohio, Pennsylvania, etc.)
2. Booze of choice - FREE...lol. Kidding. Actually, I don't drink much anymore but I am a girl that likes beer and never turns away a shot of Blackhaus. Which is usually followed by me mumbling 'feel the burn'.
3. Chore I hate - I lack the housework gene, but for some reason, I really have a distaste for dusting. I prefer to just move as opposed to dust. My theory; it'll fall off during the move.
4. Dog or cat - Keeettoooons! (That is LiVEwiRe-speak for 'cats'.)
5. Essential electronics- Radio/CD player, computer, vibrator (HA! Made you look...;) [I left this one mainly unaltered from the PQ's because I simply didn't see a need to change it!]
6. Favorite perfume/cologne - For me Design or Escada. I recall Hugo Boss for men being pretty spectacular, but it's been quite a while since I've had the advantage of having a man around to 'smell test'.
7. Gold or silver - Gold I suppose. What kind of pirate goes for silver? Really?! (Lucy McGoldNugget does maintain the high standard of practice required by the official Pirate Code Book.)
8. Hometown - Tiny place, so I'll go to the next large town and call it Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
9. Insomnia - Comes and goes. Worse with mania, duh. Never have been able to sleep through the night, though; sometimes I wake up restless and can't get back to sleep, sometimes I just have to pee too damn much and waaay too often.
10. Job title - Lead Pharmacy Technician and your basic jackass.
.
11. Kids - Sometimes I think my biological clock is an LED. Then, like yesterday I see a teeny 10 day old baby and it all but makes my uterus ache. Either way, I can't do it myself.... ahem.
12. Living arrangements - I live in a cute apartment in a nicely renovated old house. Unfortunately it's in the hood and I can't afford heat. Meh.
13. Most admired trait - Trait I admire or trait I have? In others, honesty and sincerity. In me, I'd like to say speaking my mind but I don't think some people see it that way; they probably refer to it as the 'shut the fuck up' trait. So, instead of that, I'll say... well, I don't know what the word is, but when you have me, you really have me. I'd do anything for you. As long as you don't fuck it up. =)
14. Number of sexual partners - Let's just pretend this question never existed, k? I can only imagine the comments I'd get. Besides, I can't count that high...kidding!
15. Overnight hospital stays - When I was four. Typical tonsillectomy and had tubes in my ears at the time - it was all the rage.
16. Phobia - Things that resemble humans - clowns, ventriloquist dummies, mannequins, dolls, leprechauns, you name it. And spiders. And odd fabrics. And drowning. And finding something on the side of the road partially alive in a plastic bag. Seriously, that one is huge.
17. Quote - Depends on the day, but it usually involves me hissing out a curse with the word 'fuck' in it. Oh! But in a movie... think back to City Slickers... Billy Crystal (still unsure of Curly) asks Jack Palance if he's killed anyone yet today. Curly just smiles and says...'Days not over yet.' That line is soooo me.
18. Religion - Not very fond of it. Either way, I'm sure I'm going to hell; I got my confirmation letter in the mail yesterday.
19. Siblings - Yeah, talk about a can of worms. Until I was about 25 or so, I thought I was an only child. Then I learned that I have a half sister. About two years later I learned I had a half brother and he has two kids, so does that make them a half niece and half nephew? Yeah, sticky situation at best. I still consider myself an only child.
20. Time I wake up - Around noon. Give me a break... I go to bed around 4 and am up peeing half the night!
21. Unusual talent or skill - Sometimes I have a way of getting information out of people that others cannot. And no, it does not involve force. And I have common sense - that's unusual, right?
22. Vegetable I refuse to eat - I like most veggies. I draw the line at cooked spinach and stewed tomatoes, although the raw version is fine with me.
23. Worst habit - I smoke, swear excessively, and make my own life a living roller coaster ride. A sort of self-sabotage I suppose in that respect.
24. X-rays - I'm developing a subtle glow at night...
25. Yummy foods I make - My salsa kicks ass! And I never had a recipe, just put in what sounded good to me and everyone devours it!
26. Zodiac sign - Cancer. I'm a crab. Shocking, isn't it? ;)
Oh gee, look at the time... I must be off to work. Certainly you all have tears of sadness because this cannot continue. Yeah, or something like that... Ok my little bloglings, run along... shoo! Shoo! =)
Friday, March 31, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
Words of wisdom
It's true what they say...
You can never go back.
But in a sense, we all go back to something at some point in our lives. Even when we believe we are going forward; things change. We change.
I'm coming to some realizations and not sure what to do with it all. There's crunching in the gears once again. The wheels are turning, I just don't know where they'll take me.
You can never go back.
But in a sense, we all go back to something at some point in our lives. Even when we believe we are going forward; things change. We change.
I'm coming to some realizations and not sure what to do with it all. There's crunching in the gears once again. The wheels are turning, I just don't know where they'll take me.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Overhaul
Isn't the working world fun? I mean really. Think about it - a group of people that actually get paid to annoy one another. Unless, of course, you are on the receiving end; then it's not such a blast.
Over the past two days, I've been on both ends. The mania seems to holding steady at low grade which means that my patience (short supply to begin with) is gossamer thin. I'm just a cranky bitch, what can I say? You know when you get irritated and you say what you want to say to the other person but manage to temper it with humor? Well, I'm forgetting about the humor part and just blurting out exactly what I think. Heh, it is kind of funny to see the look on their faces. Last night I got in an argument with a nurse on the phone and ended up telling her that I didnt care what she did or didn't feel like doing, this is the correct procedure. She protested (my guess, she was stamping her feet, too) and 'threatened' to talk to 'someone' about this. I told her that would be great, she should talk to however many people it took for her to feel better and to hear the correct answer repeatedly. I don't think she liked that. Perhaps I would have been smarter to curtail the outbursts until after my review. Meh, oh well.
And I learned that my last lifeline, my night pharmacist, has applied for another job. I really don't know what to think anymore. The environment I was hired into has completely changed, and it's only been three months. If I'd been there longer and these changes occured, it would be much easier to handle. This has been like trying to steady myself on shifting sand after the second week and I just don't feel a connection. I'm thinking I should give it maybe another month or two before I make any serious decisions to leave. I have a tendency to over analyze things and keep making excuses then come to find that years have gone by with me still 'deciding'. I don't really want to do that in this case. Plus, I have my apartment lease to consider. I'm trying to time it all to reduce casualties.
Adding to that, I have to weigh the pros and cons of repairing my car vs getting another one. Not sure I can handle a car payment. Nothing like having your residency, job, and mode of transportation all in need of an overhaul at the same time. Then again, I shouldn't act surprised or feel overwhelmed when everything kind of hits at once. Isn't that the way things usually go?
Oh well, at least my house smells really good now. =)
Over the past two days, I've been on both ends. The mania seems to holding steady at low grade which means that my patience (short supply to begin with) is gossamer thin. I'm just a cranky bitch, what can I say? You know when you get irritated and you say what you want to say to the other person but manage to temper it with humor? Well, I'm forgetting about the humor part and just blurting out exactly what I think. Heh, it is kind of funny to see the look on their faces. Last night I got in an argument with a nurse on the phone and ended up telling her that I didnt care what she did or didn't feel like doing, this is the correct procedure. She protested (my guess, she was stamping her feet, too) and 'threatened' to talk to 'someone' about this. I told her that would be great, she should talk to however many people it took for her to feel better and to hear the correct answer repeatedly. I don't think she liked that. Perhaps I would have been smarter to curtail the outbursts until after my review. Meh, oh well.
And I learned that my last lifeline, my night pharmacist, has applied for another job. I really don't know what to think anymore. The environment I was hired into has completely changed, and it's only been three months. If I'd been there longer and these changes occured, it would be much easier to handle. This has been like trying to steady myself on shifting sand after the second week and I just don't feel a connection. I'm thinking I should give it maybe another month or two before I make any serious decisions to leave. I have a tendency to over analyze things and keep making excuses then come to find that years have gone by with me still 'deciding'. I don't really want to do that in this case. Plus, I have my apartment lease to consider. I'm trying to time it all to reduce casualties.
Adding to that, I have to weigh the pros and cons of repairing my car vs getting another one. Not sure I can handle a car payment. Nothing like having your residency, job, and mode of transportation all in need of an overhaul at the same time. Then again, I shouldn't act surprised or feel overwhelmed when everything kind of hits at once. Isn't that the way things usually go?
Oh well, at least my house smells really good now. =)
Monday, March 20, 2006
Spinnin' wheel
It's here. Or it's coming; not sure which. Just be warned - I take no responsibility for my behavior whatsoever. Momentarily at least. Can you guess what I'm talking about? No? Ok, well it's not PMS (although that's knocking on my door, too). Give up? Let me paint a little picture for you...
Saturday I went to the grocery store and felt compelled to buy 10 different air fresheners. Why? Because it seemed like a good idea at the time. And no, my house doesn't smell that bad. Later in the day I got a burst of energy and danced around my living room like my ass was on fire to the music that ran through the credits of a movie I had been watching. There was much flailing about. Yesterday, I saw fit to remove two factory stickers from the leaded glass window above my computer desk. This involved me getting on a wobbly chair (vertigo and all) and using my Ulu to scrape them off, then I cleaned and dried the window. Who dries windows really? (If you aren't familiar with what an ulu is, please check it out; it'll make this a bit clearer.) Yeah, me with no balance on a rickety chair holding a blade that could gut Moby Dick... perhaps not the best combination. After living through that, I decided to 'fix' my vacuum cleaner. I turned it over my lap and flipped the switch, effectively spraying cat litter, fuzz, carpet fibers and whatever crap was stuck in the brushes all over my computer and desk. Most of the crap is out of the keyboard now. Most. I'm just ignoring the gritty, crunching sound. Didn't think that one through. After that, I opened the part where the bag fits on to see if there was adequate suction. *Note: do not try this method* Dummy me didn't think it through, yet again... it's an air intake, therefore there would be no suction. I can report that there is no blockage as it then blew grimy dust all over me. I am smarter than the vacuum, I swear. Just not right now. See where this is going yet? Ok... lets say I rounded out the evening with a phone call to my mom that lasted approximately 90 minutes. I was awake half the night despite being tired. I woke up singing christmas carols. Not just one or two, but damn near all of them; just in little snippets. I think I washed my hair three times in the shower. I forgot yet again that I have to do my taxes - even though they are sitting so close to me I can reach my pinky finger over and touch them. I've forgotten what day it is like, three times already and thought of no less than six new people to add to my shit list. My brain has not stopped all weekend and it's just gaining momentum...
Yes.... it's Mania Time! Over the past week I skipped a few doses of lithium and combined with some work stress, it seems to have triggered a bit of a manic phase. I'm hoping that this is it; that it doesn't escalate. I will be training a new person at work starting today, then I get to begin training another the following week. I'll be talking a mile a minute to this poor person today and dragging them around from place to place by the ear no doubt. It took me a minute to recognize the ulu incident and vacuum situation as things that I do without thinking... because my brain won't slow long enough to let me. OCD tendencies come out as demonstrated by my new air freshener collection and reorganized silverware drawer...
Here's hoping it's just a mild phase; hypomania. Otherwise I fear for the lives of others. Pairing a blast of a manic phase with PMS cannnot have a good outcome. Although you might catch me on CNN...
Saturday I went to the grocery store and felt compelled to buy 10 different air fresheners. Why? Because it seemed like a good idea at the time. And no, my house doesn't smell that bad. Later in the day I got a burst of energy and danced around my living room like my ass was on fire to the music that ran through the credits of a movie I had been watching. There was much flailing about. Yesterday, I saw fit to remove two factory stickers from the leaded glass window above my computer desk. This involved me getting on a wobbly chair (vertigo and all) and using my Ulu to scrape them off, then I cleaned and dried the window. Who dries windows really? (If you aren't familiar with what an ulu is, please check it out; it'll make this a bit clearer.) Yeah, me with no balance on a rickety chair holding a blade that could gut Moby Dick... perhaps not the best combination. After living through that, I decided to 'fix' my vacuum cleaner. I turned it over my lap and flipped the switch, effectively spraying cat litter, fuzz, carpet fibers and whatever crap was stuck in the brushes all over my computer and desk. Most of the crap is out of the keyboard now. Most. I'm just ignoring the gritty, crunching sound. Didn't think that one through. After that, I opened the part where the bag fits on to see if there was adequate suction. *Note: do not try this method* Dummy me didn't think it through, yet again... it's an air intake, therefore there would be no suction. I can report that there is no blockage as it then blew grimy dust all over me. I am smarter than the vacuum, I swear. Just not right now. See where this is going yet? Ok... lets say I rounded out the evening with a phone call to my mom that lasted approximately 90 minutes. I was awake half the night despite being tired. I woke up singing christmas carols. Not just one or two, but damn near all of them; just in little snippets. I think I washed my hair three times in the shower. I forgot yet again that I have to do my taxes - even though they are sitting so close to me I can reach my pinky finger over and touch them. I've forgotten what day it is like, three times already and thought of no less than six new people to add to my shit list. My brain has not stopped all weekend and it's just gaining momentum...
Yes.... it's Mania Time! Over the past week I skipped a few doses of lithium and combined with some work stress, it seems to have triggered a bit of a manic phase. I'm hoping that this is it; that it doesn't escalate. I will be training a new person at work starting today, then I get to begin training another the following week. I'll be talking a mile a minute to this poor person today and dragging them around from place to place by the ear no doubt. It took me a minute to recognize the ulu incident and vacuum situation as things that I do without thinking... because my brain won't slow long enough to let me. OCD tendencies come out as demonstrated by my new air freshener collection and reorganized silverware drawer...
Here's hoping it's just a mild phase; hypomania. Otherwise I fear for the lives of others. Pairing a blast of a manic phase with PMS cannnot have a good outcome. Although you might catch me on CNN...
Sunday, March 19, 2006
ACK!
Is it official? Is my blog fucked???? Yesterday after I posted and added to my sidebar things were fine, later, I even went back and replied to a few comments on other posts. Now my entire sidebar is gone and it ends mid post a few posts back. I went to the help section and guess where my sidebar shows up? THERE!!!
Does it look normal to anyone or is it just my view of it? Considering I don't even see a way to leave a comment, e-mail me if you have the address and let me know. Is there a way to email Blogger? I can't quite see because my sidebar is superimposed over the 'Help' page - big help that is.
I hope this fixes itself. My blood pressure is elevating as we speak...
* Ok, I just posted this and viewed it and it's back to normal... what the fuck?! I must have inadvertantly pissed on the shoes of the Blogger Gods somewhere along the way. Blood pressure returning to normal - the saga continues. Hopefully.
** My blog is indeed fucked. Just went to check it out and it now is a different color, starts with the comments from a prevoius post and goes right into a post from about two weeks ago. My sidebar is now at the bottom, making it a bottom bar. I hope this means Blogger is trying to fix it since it keeps morphing into something new. Or maybe... it has taken on a life of it's own. Scary. Thought.
*** And now it is a totally blank white screen, yet I can still post. This is either a good sign (under construction perhaps?) or a very, very bad one.
Does it look normal to anyone or is it just my view of it? Considering I don't even see a way to leave a comment, e-mail me if you have the address and let me know. Is there a way to email Blogger? I can't quite see because my sidebar is superimposed over the 'Help' page - big help that is.
I hope this fixes itself. My blood pressure is elevating as we speak...
* Ok, I just posted this and viewed it and it's back to normal... what the fuck?! I must have inadvertantly pissed on the shoes of the Blogger Gods somewhere along the way. Blood pressure returning to normal - the saga continues. Hopefully.
** My blog is indeed fucked. Just went to check it out and it now is a different color, starts with the comments from a prevoius post and goes right into a post from about two weeks ago. My sidebar is now at the bottom, making it a bottom bar. I hope this means Blogger is trying to fix it since it keeps morphing into something new. Or maybe... it has taken on a life of it's own. Scary. Thought.
*** And now it is a totally blank white screen, yet I can still post. This is either a good sign (under construction perhaps?) or a very, very bad one.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Just things
Ok, I wasn't able to get to my blog for about 2 days or so due to some certain 'bad filer' maintenance issue they had. Well, I guess I had the issue too considering I was locked out. I just had visions of finally getting back to it and having it say it was deleted or something. Most of this blog is just things I blurt out, uncensored, but it's still mine and I'd have been pissed to find it smashed to bits.
What can I tell you that's new? Oh, well I finally got out and about and went on a little journey here in Pittsburgh! Alright, not so much a journey as a trip to the dentist. But the dentist is new and not located along my way to work, the grocery store, or the library, so it was kind of like a pathetic little adventure of sorts. That is so sad...lol. Interestingly, I found that I liked driving faster than 17 miles per hour like I do here right in the heart of it all. I think I got the whole way up to 50 mph or so! Could've fooled me; felt like Mach 2!
I've also made friends! Ok, again, another embellishment on facts as they are. There is a guy across the street that is staying with his sister temporarily and is looking for an apartment and was asking about the one above me. (Theirs is the house that good ol' crunk mouf visits but thankfully, it's not the same guy.) Anyway, we had a couple very brief chats about the rental and talked today for about 15-20 minutes. No, we aren't really friends; even I'm not that delusional, but for a short period I was interacting with another human... just like the stories other people tell. I think, oh, what's the term they use? Yes... 'having a conversation' or some such thing.
On my exciting Saturday afternoon outing at the grocery store (ahem) I managed to most likely make a name for myself there as 'stinky girl'. Yours truly felt compelled to buy, wait, let me count, ten - count 'em...10! - various types of air fresheners. Table tops, sprays, plug ins... all of it. These people must think my house literally smells like shit! Of course I had to try them all out so now my house does in fact stink. Kind of like The Great Perfumery Rebellion of 2006. My nose burns from the smell; perhaps I should smoke a cigarette to cover it up? =)
I learned that sometime in the near future I will be having a review at work. I thought it was at six months but apparently it's sooner. Oh yippee. Did I make my excitement clear there? I don't even know what I want to hear to be honest. On another front, I'll be training a new person this coming week and yet another one starting the following week. My excitement is nearly uncontainable. Should be interesting to say the least considering we have been operating with fewer people than are necessary. Probably at about a 60% staffing level. But hey, I'm not bitter. After all, I did get a teeny locker with a preprinted label that bears my name - all is well with the universe. Wonder what they'd think if I peeled the label off.... hmmm?
Just because I'm the giving, loving, sharing sort of person that I am (cough) I've placed a link in the sidebar to a band called Evans Blue. The link opens it right up and the song it opens with is the one that caught my interest. It's not maniacal sounding so don't be frightened. Yes, I actually put those music links there for you, not for my personal fun and enjoyment. Then again, with things as they are, that is just about the most fun I've had lately.
For now, I'm going to live it up and watch TV. No, seriously - I average about an hour of TV per week and that is mostly thanks to The Weather Channel. This makes me wonder why I pay $65/mo for cable. Maybe luck will be with me and something worthwhile will be on. If not, I can always go test the air fresheners again.
What can I tell you that's new? Oh, well I finally got out and about and went on a little journey here in Pittsburgh! Alright, not so much a journey as a trip to the dentist. But the dentist is new and not located along my way to work, the grocery store, or the library, so it was kind of like a pathetic little adventure of sorts. That is so sad...lol. Interestingly, I found that I liked driving faster than 17 miles per hour like I do here right in the heart of it all. I think I got the whole way up to 50 mph or so! Could've fooled me; felt like Mach 2!
I've also made friends! Ok, again, another embellishment on facts as they are. There is a guy across the street that is staying with his sister temporarily and is looking for an apartment and was asking about the one above me. (Theirs is the house that good ol' crunk mouf visits but thankfully, it's not the same guy.) Anyway, we had a couple very brief chats about the rental and talked today for about 15-20 minutes. No, we aren't really friends; even I'm not that delusional, but for a short period I was interacting with another human... just like the stories other people tell. I think, oh, what's the term they use? Yes... 'having a conversation' or some such thing.
On my exciting Saturday afternoon outing at the grocery store (ahem) I managed to most likely make a name for myself there as 'stinky girl'. Yours truly felt compelled to buy, wait, let me count, ten - count 'em...10! - various types of air fresheners. Table tops, sprays, plug ins... all of it. These people must think my house literally smells like shit! Of course I had to try them all out so now my house does in fact stink. Kind of like The Great Perfumery Rebellion of 2006. My nose burns from the smell; perhaps I should smoke a cigarette to cover it up? =)
I learned that sometime in the near future I will be having a review at work. I thought it was at six months but apparently it's sooner. Oh yippee. Did I make my excitement clear there? I don't even know what I want to hear to be honest. On another front, I'll be training a new person this coming week and yet another one starting the following week. My excitement is nearly uncontainable. Should be interesting to say the least considering we have been operating with fewer people than are necessary. Probably at about a 60% staffing level. But hey, I'm not bitter. After all, I did get a teeny locker with a preprinted label that bears my name - all is well with the universe. Wonder what they'd think if I peeled the label off.... hmmm?
Just because I'm the giving, loving, sharing sort of person that I am (cough) I've placed a link in the sidebar to a band called Evans Blue. The link opens it right up and the song it opens with is the one that caught my interest. It's not maniacal sounding so don't be frightened. Yes, I actually put those music links there for you, not for my personal fun and enjoyment. Then again, with things as they are, that is just about the most fun I've had lately.
For now, I'm going to live it up and watch TV. No, seriously - I average about an hour of TV per week and that is mostly thanks to The Weather Channel. This makes me wonder why I pay $65/mo for cable. Maybe luck will be with me and something worthwhile will be on. If not, I can always go test the air fresheners again.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried...
It's a known fact that you can't always get what you want, right? Fine, I can deal with that. But must it be a fact in my life that not only can I not get what I want, but that I suck the weirdos right out of the woodwork?!
Scenario: Around 11pm on Friday I see a guy that works in the department next to me leaving and say bye and ask his plans for the weekend. Pretty normal stuff. He explains that a water pipe broke in one of his walls and he'll be spending the weekend doing bathroom repairs to fix the damage. Here's where it starts to go bad. Knowing that we live about a mile apart, I kind of joke and say he should let me know when he's going to do the painting because I love to paint (which I do). After saying that he'll be hanging wallpaper, I kindly bow out as I have no experience and that it would most likely end up glued to me like human fly paper. From here, it plummets. After slowly looking me up and down, he says that's fine with him... just make sure I wear something nice and and if I get caught in it, I'd be all his. Stuck. To the wallpaper. How was I to know the term 'human fly paper' would be such an erotic phrase? Um, eww.
That is one of the most bizarre propositions I've ever heard. Remind me again why people say things like this to me? After the shock wore off, I did find it pretty funny, but still... he wasn't joking. I've been ignoring suggestive stares and 'come home with me' comments for two months with him.
I'm tellin' ya.... don't make me bust out my keychain....lol!
Scenario: Around 11pm on Friday I see a guy that works in the department next to me leaving and say bye and ask his plans for the weekend. Pretty normal stuff. He explains that a water pipe broke in one of his walls and he'll be spending the weekend doing bathroom repairs to fix the damage. Here's where it starts to go bad. Knowing that we live about a mile apart, I kind of joke and say he should let me know when he's going to do the painting because I love to paint (which I do). After saying that he'll be hanging wallpaper, I kindly bow out as I have no experience and that it would most likely end up glued to me like human fly paper. From here, it plummets. After slowly looking me up and down, he says that's fine with him... just make sure I wear something nice and and if I get caught in it, I'd be all his. Stuck. To the wallpaper. How was I to know the term 'human fly paper' would be such an erotic phrase? Um, eww.
That is one of the most bizarre propositions I've ever heard. Remind me again why people say things like this to me? After the shock wore off, I did find it pretty funny, but still... he wasn't joking. I've been ignoring suggestive stares and 'come home with me' comments for two months with him.
I'm tellin' ya.... don't make me bust out my keychain....lol!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
because I'm...
sometimes the words come at me
so fast that they settle in my heart
and take my breath away
they symbolize all that I want
for one shining moment
they dance and spiral
freeing me of all that ties me down
but then my brain reminds me otherwise
the grim reality that those things
are not meant to be mine settles in
my guilt for even wanting them
overcomes me
I let the feeling go
shrouded in a reflective darkness
I see me for what I really am
broken
so fast that they settle in my heart
and take my breath away
they symbolize all that I want
for one shining moment
they dance and spiral
freeing me of all that ties me down
but then my brain reminds me otherwise
the grim reality that those things
are not meant to be mine settles in
my guilt for even wanting them
overcomes me
I let the feeling go
shrouded in a reflective darkness
I see me for what I really am
broken
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
So long old friend.
In what seems like a whirlwind of information, shock, confusion and hope that lasted only a few days, I've lost a very sweet, furry friend. As of four o'clock today, my cat Ty has gone to what I can only hope is a magnificent kitty heaven.
Many years ago, I worked with a girl that had a cat she couldn't keep because one of her other cats kept attacking him. She had a habit of rescuing animals and then realizing she couldn't possibly keep them all. She was very upset because this cat was so sweet and docile that her other cat found him an easy target and asked me if I'd be interested in adding another cat to my line up. His name was Titanic as he weighed almost 25 pounds; when he was found, animal control was getting calls of a 'panther' lurking in the neighborhood. When I met him, I thought he was one of the most beautiful cats I'd ever seen: huge green eyes and a soft black coat with a layer of white hidden underneath only detectable when you pushed his fur the opposite direction. Needless to say, he found a new home.
Not so long after I took him, my mother fell in love with him and wanted him to live with her. He had been with her almost exclusively but we considered him 'our' cat. Ty (as we shortened his name) was a very well adjusted cat and like a big smooshy stuffed animal. Although we had reduced his weight over the years to 15#, he still was like a tall feline linebacker and had a craving for carbs of any sort. If you left them out... he found them and helped himself. If you called him, he'd come running and literally crash into your shin head first, again, kind of like a linebacker. If he liked you, he'd try his hardest to get to your hair and groom you... endlessly. He was big, sweet, lovable and not overly bright.
Late last week, he was having trouble breathing. When he got to the vet's, they tapped 150 mls of fluid from his lungs. Testing was inconclusive but they had two ideas: rapid onset heart failure or Feline Infectious Peritonitis. They assumed it was the former as he had been strictly indoors for many years and always got a clean bill of health at his check ups. He was put on meds and appeared to be doing alright. I went home this weekend and got to spend a little bit of time with him.
This morning, he had more difficulty breathing and even had fluid dripping from his nose. After being rushed to the vet, they said his lungs had filled yet again, maybe even more than the first time. This was only a matter of three days and he was on meds to prevent it. They now think the culprit was in fact FIP and that it had remained dormant all this time. Unfortunately, this means exposure for the other cats if they are right with the diagnosis.
There is no way to cure it. He would have been in the same situation in a matter of days again and would have had to deal with the discomfort as well. The vet said his lungs were literally floating. any more fluid and he would have either drowned or his heart would have given out. In light of that, my mother and I talked and decided it would be kinder to have him put to sleep. I don't take euthanasia lightly (having been a vet tech for four years gives you a different perspective) and saw it as the last kind thing that either of us could do for him.
I sat crouched crying in the IV Room at work on my cell phone while we made the decision. My mother was with him and that was the best I could ask for. So today I said goodbye to a very sweet friend that will not be forgotten. Apparently it was his time, yet the selfish part of me wishes that simply wasn't so. At least not so soon.
Many years ago, I worked with a girl that had a cat she couldn't keep because one of her other cats kept attacking him. She had a habit of rescuing animals and then realizing she couldn't possibly keep them all. She was very upset because this cat was so sweet and docile that her other cat found him an easy target and asked me if I'd be interested in adding another cat to my line up. His name was Titanic as he weighed almost 25 pounds; when he was found, animal control was getting calls of a 'panther' lurking in the neighborhood. When I met him, I thought he was one of the most beautiful cats I'd ever seen: huge green eyes and a soft black coat with a layer of white hidden underneath only detectable when you pushed his fur the opposite direction. Needless to say, he found a new home.
Not so long after I took him, my mother fell in love with him and wanted him to live with her. He had been with her almost exclusively but we considered him 'our' cat. Ty (as we shortened his name) was a very well adjusted cat and like a big smooshy stuffed animal. Although we had reduced his weight over the years to 15#, he still was like a tall feline linebacker and had a craving for carbs of any sort. If you left them out... he found them and helped himself. If you called him, he'd come running and literally crash into your shin head first, again, kind of like a linebacker. If he liked you, he'd try his hardest to get to your hair and groom you... endlessly. He was big, sweet, lovable and not overly bright.
Late last week, he was having trouble breathing. When he got to the vet's, they tapped 150 mls of fluid from his lungs. Testing was inconclusive but they had two ideas: rapid onset heart failure or Feline Infectious Peritonitis. They assumed it was the former as he had been strictly indoors for many years and always got a clean bill of health at his check ups. He was put on meds and appeared to be doing alright. I went home this weekend and got to spend a little bit of time with him.
This morning, he had more difficulty breathing and even had fluid dripping from his nose. After being rushed to the vet, they said his lungs had filled yet again, maybe even more than the first time. This was only a matter of three days and he was on meds to prevent it. They now think the culprit was in fact FIP and that it had remained dormant all this time. Unfortunately, this means exposure for the other cats if they are right with the diagnosis.
There is no way to cure it. He would have been in the same situation in a matter of days again and would have had to deal with the discomfort as well. The vet said his lungs were literally floating. any more fluid and he would have either drowned or his heart would have given out. In light of that, my mother and I talked and decided it would be kinder to have him put to sleep. I don't take euthanasia lightly (having been a vet tech for four years gives you a different perspective) and saw it as the last kind thing that either of us could do for him.
I sat crouched crying in the IV Room at work on my cell phone while we made the decision. My mother was with him and that was the best I could ask for. So today I said goodbye to a very sweet friend that will not be forgotten. Apparently it was his time, yet the selfish part of me wishes that simply wasn't so. At least not so soon.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
They aren't even words, damnit!
I'm getting irritated. I'm sick of word verification on here... anyone else?
I'm half tempted to remove it just to see what happens. Has anyone removed it (I don't pay that much attention) or know anyone that has tried to? What happened? Just wondering if the influx of spamments has been reduced in any way.
On a good yet pointless (to you) note, I had some labwork (lipid profile) done for a healthscreening at work today and it would appear that all of my cholesterol levels and triglicerides KICK ASS! I am the envy of many in the lipid conscious world! So for the moment, croaking from clogged arteries isn't much of a possibility. Always a bonus. Finally, something is functioning well within the normal range.
See! SEE! There is something normal about me!!!
I'm half tempted to remove it just to see what happens. Has anyone removed it (I don't pay that much attention) or know anyone that has tried to? What happened? Just wondering if the influx of spamments has been reduced in any way.
On a good yet pointless (to you) note, I had some labwork (lipid profile) done for a healthscreening at work today and it would appear that all of my cholesterol levels and triglicerides KICK ASS! I am the envy of many in the lipid conscious world! So for the moment, croaking from clogged arteries isn't much of a possibility. Always a bonus. Finally, something is functioning well within the normal range.
See! SEE! There is something normal about me!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)