Epiphany 101

Isn't it funny how on one hand, we can feel so much - then on the other hand, we're all but devoid of feeling? Well, somewhere in the middle, I learned something about myself.

Someone I know (who has no idea I have this account, so I can speak freely) has been talking to me about being lonely. I made several half hearted attempts to give him a pep talk about finding the right girl, but you know what? Turns out I don't give a fuck.

See, in talking with him, I learned that I interpret his discussion of this as whiney and pathetic. Just turn that emotion OFF fer crissakes!!! And I only say that because I did that very thing many years ago and have stuck to it since. I was in two relationships that, well, one devastated me when it ended, the other one pissed me off so I ended it. I was hurt twice, too close together. Given my history, it was a miracle I made it that far.

So in talking to this guy, who is having actual human emotions and realistic concerns, valid as the day is long - I simply cannot identify. I cannot explain to him, or anyone else really, that that part of me is dead for all basic purposes. I know the majority can't just 'turn it off'.

It confuses me how a person such as myself, who typically feels more than her fair share, and deeply, might I add, can be so utterly dead in another respect. It's like I had those feelings surgically removed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's just how it is. A part of me made that happen as a mechanism of protection. That could change some day. I just find some irony there.

And truly, dude, stop fucking whining.

The only thing that comes to mind is a song by Pink

Ok, I think technically it is P!nk, but whatever. Remember the song Don't Let Me Get Me? Even if not, you get the idea by title alone.

I keep forcing myself to stay awake until the point of exhaustion because I'm afraid of what will happen in the time between waiting for the Klonopin to kick in and sleep. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

Well fucketyfuckfuckfuck.

Waiting for the workplace backlash because some things never change, haha!

At the moment it would seem that our temps today are hitting the low 90sF with storms and about a zillion percent humidity, so, it should actually feel tropical equator-ish as opposed to Ohio-ish. Tomorrow is similar, but higher, maybe 94F with a skabillion percent humidity which should feel like the sun. If you had to breathe water through gills. Just saying.

Anyway, I've been at it again! What, you ask? Thinking! Yep, thinking all by myself! And asking the bossman to put some ideas into motion. Well, he has. And today I sit and wait for all the typical backstabbing bitching and kvetching that is normal for my department. Now - get this. This one idea helps everyone... and if you just do the first step, which takes 15 mins max, it will save you a total of at least 30 minutes (on top of making up the 15 minutes). So, 15 minutes on your terms vs 45 minutes at the mercy of happenstance. Ok, where's the dilemma again? Yeah, well I'm sure because I didn't ask anyone (ok, one or two people) there will be the whole 'who does she think she is, no one asked me, it's nice how people just change things around here' commentary.

Ahem. Yes you lazies, I changed something after twenty years without consulting you. Why? Because you never contribute anything more than bitching and moaning and are too lazy to implement anything anyway. Last time I consulted everyone and no one lifted a finger to help. So yeah, I don't really care what you think. Bossman likes it, saves time and money... why are you bitching again? Aren't coworkers great?

Hoping to catch up on blogs this weekend. In addition to being hot. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

For the most part, this post should round out recent events.

I learned something huge. From my regular therapist, not the new one - no idea what is going on with the new one, if I'll even see her or not. Anyway... this needs to be mentioned then I start moving on.

Remember how I said I had the horrible appointment with Dr. Sadist that just about had me dead in a ditch by my own doing? Well. Well, well, well, WELL, WELL! The psychiatrist apparently used a technique that is commonplace in dealing with BPD patients. The differences in the appropriateness of care lie in several areas. First, BPD was new to me as a diagnosis (although apparently very much a part of me for many years, unbeknownst to me), not something I'd dealt with knowing about for a long time; I was just learning about it. Second, we didn't have that much of an established relationship nor was I holding a gun to his (or anyone's) head so that he felt this tactic was neccessary by means of emergent intervention. Most importantly... I was in a 20 minute 'follow-up' session to discuss meds. He was using a tactic that is meant for an inpatient setting only. When they simply cannot get through to a BPD patient in an inpatient setting, one (approved) method is to try to literally 'break' them. They come at you repeatedly with a continuous stream without letting you say anything or defend yourself. Should you get a word in, they shoot you down and tell you that you are wrong and it's all the disorder. Their goal is to shock you out of the shell that BPD has put you in... and then in an immediate follow up session, they go one on one to see how you feel, calm you, what you thought of, how it applies to your life, did it make you see things differently, etc. IN A MONITORED INPATIENT SETTING.

Although harsh sounding, I can see the validity in the treatment in the proper care setting. Many disorders such as these need the intervention of an impartial party to NOT go along with patient, to show them that not everyone will bend to their disorder. (Not that all patients even realize that is what happens, but people, family/friends, do tend to accommodate, and that can add fuel to the fire. Of course some manipulate flat out.) Anyway. I was no where near that point, nor was I an inpatient with any follow up care. He was wrong for using that technique. Not only was it not warranted, but it was cruel - this is something meant to most often work in just one session. It is harsh. It is meant to break you but there are people there to help you rebuild and make sure you get through it ok. Except in my case. And he seems to forget that I have a river of Bipolar and multiple suicides in my immediate family. Me for one on the bipolar, not so much on the suicide, although he almost made it manifest.

Didn't I say I felt like I'd been taken apart and just left lying about? I've never had that feeling before and now I know that is what it feels like when someone intentionally tries to break you but conveniently forgets to help put the pieces back. I sat in my car on the side of the road sobbing with my phone in my hand, not sure if I should call for help or a hearse. I was ready to kill myself. And don't doubt it - he would have been implicated in a note.

Please do not address this portion, but I cannot even think of celebrating my birthday this weekend. I've told a few select people to make sure if the topic comes up that they recommend I don't get so much as a card. I think I will be getting out of town. See, I'm still struggling with the aftermath and the moment I think about my bday, being a celebration of life, it makes me feel what I felt after that session - that I had no worth and was nothing, never would be, and my entire life a farce. I don't want to hover too close to that because I'm not clear of the damage he caused yet. I no longer cry every day but don't think for a second that I would not succumb to being overwhelmed by having to display birthday gratitude when I'm struggling with pushing his words out of my head. Those words are fresh and the feelings even moreso. It is much like walking a tightrope, I'd imagine. One false move or interference and down I go. Keep away, and I'm holding my own. It pisses me off that I have a milestone bday and friends and family that wanted to do things for me but I can't. And I can't exactly tell them why either! He took that from them as well, not just me.

So that's what I found out. Turns out I was not very far off in my original description. And all this stemming from questioning the meds he prescribed. Seriously, what the fuck? How can you literally go about trying to break a person, knowing what you are doing and leaving them to fend for themself, then go home to your nice little family and not care? I'm angrier now than I was before but only because I know what it is that I am angry at. It is passing and turning into just another part of the wall that encircles the 'distrust' portion of my brain. I'm sure I will see Dr. Sadist in hell. The playing field will be even and let me tell you, game is ON.

If these things happened to someone else I'd either laugh uncontrollably or simply not believe them.

But they happen to me. Yay me. Remember the mental health professional I went to see two posts ago? Well, I found out that instead of paying something like $20 to see her, it will be more like $200 because Dr. Sadist gave me incorrect info. Shocking. So I left a message for her asking what her fee was as I'd have to see if I could afford to come back. That was Wednesday 6.30. So yesterday (7.5) I called back, thinking that she may have been out a few days for a long holiday weekend. She answered, I told her I was following up on a call and what it was about and she asked if she could call me right back. I began to give her my name and phone number when she brusquely added, I'm on another line, I'll call you back. Yeah, I was on a private line hence no caller ID. So it's almost 10p on 7.6 and I'm still waiting for a call. Ha. As if it's ever coming. I guess it's hard to call someone back when you don't have their number or really even know who it was for that matter. I think this rules her out as someone to rely on.

So I need and actual psychiatrist to monitor my meds (like Dr. Sadist should have) and keep things on track (instead of derailing them a la Dr. Sadist). They have the prescription pad so I need them. Being a good little patient, I went to the next logical doc and his hours are so limited, I'm not sure I could EVER get in to see him. The third doc we have is more unstable than I am so he's just not even an option. And I don't trust him. He dated a friend of mine for a while and I know things about him that make it so that it would never be a proper doc/patient relationship. My next choice is a doc that works out of our sister hospital which happens to be a drug and alcohol treatment center. If this keeps up, I will find myself on a bar stool and he really WILL be the best choice. Not to mention that he's like, 45 minutes away. With my schedule, that is really tough.

I find myself looking at my situation and asking myself if I couldn't just make do with one of the Dr. Duds. My answer is no. No I cannot. I've said that if this other doc doesn't work out (schedule, he only sees drug/alcohol pts, etc.) then I think I might try to get off the Lithium. Ok yeah, that's one of the dumbest ideas I've ever had, but lets look at things logically. If I can't get a doc to prescribe my meds, then I will have none to take. I'd rather try to wean myself off at a controlled rate than just up and stop. Shit like that messes with your brain chemistry big time. Stopping on a dime is what makes people suicidal and homicidal and I really need no help there.

This makes me see how people fall through the cracks, so to speak. How people have medical coverage but still can't manage to get the care they need. The only difference between me and perhaps the majority of those people is my attitude. I do not believe that any practitioner is a medical diety. Irregardless of initials that come after your name, I will question you. Often, it is simply so that I understand your goal for my treatment. Other times, it may be because I have known me alot longer than you have and I will question what seems to go against what feels right. In the end, they may be completely right, and I'm great with that, I just have to ask questions. Many have the idea that you should just simply agree - they are the doc, after all. And now, with so many people trying to piece together part time jobs just to have a reliable income, doctors with limited hours are often out of the picture. If you have an hour and a half between jobs, or jobs and school, do you really think you'll be able to get an appointment in the time frame you need in a reasonable amount of time? Sure, they can fit you in then... in about 5 weeks.

Which is not to say that the medical professionals don't have their own set of gripes, I'm certain they do. I'm just saying that if I would get to see the doc with limited hours, I'd either be late for work and lose hours, and my employer wouldn't go for that. If I pick the doc that is further away, then I will lose at least half of my day off getting to the appointment, or will have to take an early appt and have a couple hours to kill before having to be at work. It would all depend on the day - I never have the same days off. Lost hours or lost sleep or lost wages.

You would think that getting an appointment would not be so hard. But it can be. Then add in the fact that you need to see them every month. I don't know, I just had to ramble about this. It bothers me. Not just for myself, but because I know this has got to happen to others. Although my track record lately with picking sadist docs and flippant therapists is really something else. And we won't even get into the threats I had to make to my insurance company... I'm pretty sure what I said was illegal in at least 13 states. But in this case, THEY effed up... not me. They reversed payment on bills for a year and a half ago (in an attempt to fix the screw up on another issue) and then paid a claim they shouldn't have, after I told them not to (workers comp). But that's another topic... *sigh.... deeeeeep cleansing breath*.

Happy Fourth, blah, blah... Now shut the fuck up!!!

Have I ever mentioned that I hate the Fourth of July? To be clear - the noise of it. There's a bunch of fucking yahoos with various fireworks and firecrackers just waiting to blow a finger or two off. They probably don't even care if it's theirs or not. These people go from being bank tellers, deli workers, assembly supervisors and baby sitters to instant pyrotechnics engineers. GAH!

Unfortunately, two of my neighbors feel they have a responsibility to light up the night for all to see. Hey dumbfucks - ya got a friggin' LAKE at the back of your house! Seriously? Do you think Canada is looking?!?! No one save a handful of highly annoyed neighbors can even see your shit, and most of that is through the trees. My fucking spleen is doing the chacha from the bass and no one can see you!

They are trying to one up the other and other than the fact that my ears literally ache and my hearing is rather tinny, my poor cat is about to jump out of his stripes. He is afraid of simple loud noises and he is just beside himself. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do. This has gone on for hours.

The best part is that these jack offs will continue with their shimmery, masturbatory projectiles for days. Days. Just use them up now like good little drunks and be done with them. But no. This happens every year and this, I can say with confidence, is the worst year by far. Louder, bigger, snappier, boomier, and far, far more of them. Stop competing! Just whip out your dicks and get it over with already!

All I can say is that I hope someone's cat or dog (although not mine, he's traumatized), preferably an intact male, pisses on all your flowers. May you find your own landscaping smoldering in the morning and if, just IF you should come to my hospital tomorrow with self-inflicted drunken firework injuries - don't you even think that I will be a part of getting pain meds to you.

So yeah, I kind of hate the Fourth of July.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

BOOM!