Backed into a corner by 15 pounds (alternate title: Sleep Disorders... not just for sleeping anymore

If nothing else, read the information in the two links and see the associated notes at the bottom... educating yourself is always a good thing.

Some of you may remember that a handful of years back I lost 100 pounds without any changes other than eating habits.  I just used a common sense approach, making mindful decisions, improved my general diet and controlled portion.  If I wanted to eat a candy bar, I did; I simply made changes to accomodate over the next couple of days.  Face it:  I was still too fat to exercise and this worked well for me.

Enter knee surgery and 6 weeks of being completely non-weight bearing.  You can also add, meh, 20 pounds or so after what ended up being a several month recovery.  Amazing how the weight will come back (even maintaining the same eating patterns that helped me lose so much weight) when you are literally not moving other than to get to the next room.  So I lost it and gained it and repeated that cycle numerous times over the past couple years.  Why?  Various reasons. 

I made the decision to join a gym and LOVED going.  Not that I lost a huge amount of weight, but I felt better physically, mentally and I was feeling strong!  I actually had palpable muscles under my belly fat... haha.  (I chose to consider them as being 'protected'...::cough::)  Anyway.  I still went to the gym after finding out I needed a knee replacement, it simply changed what I could do.  Then, almost two years I got sick and missed a few months.  Ugh.  Got better, returned for a month or so, then got sick again, and missed a couple more months.  (Lithium toxicity both times.)  This whole time I refused to cancel my membership because I wanted to go back.

Almost a full year ago I got sick a third time (the infamous ADR) and am still recovering.  That is ongoing and it gets slightly better as time goes on.  There are things that have changed though, with my heart, for one.  When I finished that stress test, I was ready to rejoin my gym.  And then I had a few bad days and doubt set in, so I vowed to start like I did last time and simply improve my diet.

Well, for two months I have been dealing with some issues that are alone, stressful.  Overlay more than half a dozen overtop one another and you end up with a stress eater's nightmare.  Me being the stress eater.  Under certain types of stress, a sleep-eating* disorder manifests (which, interestingly, my mother suffered from for years).  It is part of a greater sleep disorder** (from which my mother does not suffer), but it is closely linked and therefore waiting in the wings for the appropriate moment.  Interestingly, for as much stress as I've been under the past few months, that portion hasn't been an issue.  Which totally blows me away.  But, I think I know why.  (This is why I need this blog - I learn things about myself as I am writing.) 

Years ago I figured that food was my way of making myself happy at that moment.  Everything else could have been crumbling around me but I could derive immediate pleasure, bring myself happiness, albeit temporarily, by eating something.  My theory is that there is a certain level of stress that triggers the sleep-eating**.  I am often not aware or even awake when I'm doing it, so it is a subconscious comfort.  What I have been doing lately is just eating nonstop while I'm awake!  I am at the point where subconscious comfort isn't enough.  I need that here and now, during waking hours.  So I overdo it and feel awful, all the while knowing that this compulsive eating has been causing me to add 15 pounds over the past four months or so, mostly in the past two.  But I can't stop.  I am like a meth addict, knowing I am harming my own health, disappointing everyone and still looking for my next hit.  The signs of my abuse are becoming visible and I can feel it.  The stresses show no sign of letting up, I had to do something.

Against my better judgement, I looked into over-the-counter weight loss products.  After realizing that I am not going to fare well going from eating ridiculous amounts to drinking a damned shake, I moved on to the next level.  I just needed something to jump start this process.  So I looked into basic dietary fat blockers and such.  Well.  I refuse to have oil leaking out of my ass (don't ask).  Moving on, I found a supplement that is just a spice.  It is supposed to help with emotional eating by basically supressing that portion of the brain as opposed to being an actual appetite suppressant.  Remember, emotional eaters will eat until they are painfully full and STILL be looking for more to eat ~ it isn't actual hunger we are trying to quell.  Anyway, I read up on it.  It says not to use it if you are bipolar as it can push you toward mania.  I almost bought it.  I was going to do it anyway, even though I have been unmedicated (due to the ADR) for a year now.  And if it pushed me toward mania, there was a possibility that cardiac symptoms would manifest.  ::shakes fist at sky::

That flash of fear was enough.  I know it is a spice, for shit's sake, but in the amount it was to be taken, it had side effects and a definite contraindication group, which I firmly fell into.  Given the fact that my life was turned ass over teakettle over taking a drug that nearly killed me, fear kicked in.  And then I was mad.  And then I got stubborn.  If I did it before, I can do it again.  So today I went to the store and bought more veggies and fruit than you can shake a stick at.  I will still give in to cravings; if I don't, I will surely go overboard.  I've been wanting to lose more weight but instead found myself gaining recently.  So that 15 pounds triggered some fear, which led to anger, then culminated in me wondering what in the fuck I was thinking for even considering taking anything. 

No.  It is just me in this game. 

Game.  On.

*   The term sleep eating often gets a snicker and is often looked at as lack of restraint or an excuse. More times than I care to think of, I've awakened to a half a slice of cheese on my pillowcase (often between my face and the pillowcase...), or several cookies crumbled to bits underneath me. It does warrant a chuckle on one level, but the important thing is to realize that if I were to choke, I'd be screwed. I'm prone to esophageal spasms, which is just what it sounds like. Most often there is no (or a very hazy) recollection of having eaten anything, just the so-called carnage, so I'm quite sure that I'm not chewing thoroughly.

**   This is not a scientific/medical explanation, but it does a fairly good job at describing it. The science behind it is that basically, part of the brain is asleep and part of it is awake. I 'come to' as the sleep world is fading away and the hallucination, whether visual or auditory, will literally fade as I look/listen. This also means I am able to have full conversations, complete with giving opinions, completing tasks, using reasoning abilities and the like and either have no recollection or have my brain 'wake up' mid way through only to have my environment change before my eyes.  It is not at all like waking from sleep, it is like one layer on top of another, both are real at the same time, which is more real depends on which is dominant at that moment ~ the sleeping portion or the awake portion.  To put it another way... the background stays the same, the hallucination is the only part that fades or morphs as you fully wake.  So you are sleeping, but still functioning, speaking, etc.  Strangest shit, really.

The Marina

For a little over nine years (barring an approximate year and a half absence), I have looked out the same windows at work.  When I'm out on rounds, I always stop to look out the window in the day room on our Skilled Nursing Unit.  It overlooks the marina.  Year in and year out, I've watched the boats clear out in the Autumn, the leaves change color and fall, not long after, I watch the snow come and the ice take over, trapping the marina in a beautiful, austere still life.  Come Spring, the leave return, followed shortly by a smattering of boats until the marina is packed. 

Given that we have four distinct seasons, I've witnessed these changes numerous times, yet they aren't changes at all, just part of a cycle.  There is something very comforting about witnessing that.  In truth, it is equally unsettling.  There is the illusion of change, and on a small scale, I suppose there is legitimate change.  But when those changes happen in the same way every year, it is more of a pattern or course of development than a change.

Which makes me wonder what that means to me... having stuck around to play my own role in this for so long.  It always goes back to the marina, though.  Time is measured there.

So. I'm not dead.

And just to prove it, here is a post.  Of course, no one probably cares anymore... and I can't blame you if you don't.  No excuses, but I'll give you a brief synopsis of why I have been absent.  Sometimes you just can't make this shit up.

Working to get health back on track and finally filing a report with the FDA.  Hell, I might even open a class action suit against the drug company, but that is yet to be seen.

Gram's health has been a bit dodgy - not terrible but, let's just say I've been playing the role of nurse at home and doing things that are truly beyond my scope.  I have learned way more about foley catheters than one should when regarding a family member.  Oh, and she just turned 91.

My job is still hovering on being eliminated (with the entire oncology department) and my boss just got stepped on by a cow and has recovered from surgery enough to return to work tomorrow.

Working on websites/promos for my favorite band along side their management company and realizing that my life is pretty fucked right now.  Those two aren't connected, I'm just getting tired and condensing here. 

I've known something has to change and at some point tonight... this very night, I can feel it coming.  No idea if it is good or bad, but it is coming.  This should be getting interesting...

Back sooner rather than later.  Really.