you... you're my mask
you're my cover, my shelter
you... you're my mask
you're the one who's blamed
do... do my work
do my dirty work, scapegoat
do... do my deeds
for you're the one who's shamed
I'm your truth, telling lies
I'm your reasoned alibis
I'm inside open your eyes
I'm you...
(Sad But True - Metallica)
There's a real reason for those lyrics being posted. This isn't a planned post (as with most of mine) but while running errands and feeling a bit panicky today, I turned on the radio and heard this song, which has always been a favorite. I was in the midst of thinking about Halloween and listening to people on the radio talk about costumes and such and just got on the idea of masks. How important they are as children and how they become increasingly less important as time goes on. As adults, we tend to favor costumes that actually exclude masks and focus on creativity in place of molded plastic. Right after that thought, this song came on. Sometimes I hate when things make me think too much. What I thought was something along these lines:
We all have masks, don't we? Different ones, that hide, accentuate, redirect... all of it. I don't think I do, though. My masks, although they are numerous in count, all look the same. Then why so many? They all attach and connect differently. Never wanting to let vulnerabilities show, I've fashioned all my masks to look the same, yet I always know which one to wear. There is the one that attaches most firmly to my mouth, this will illicit a smile. You can look at my eyes to see that it's not genuine, but most people don't bother to look. One sits firmly around my eyes; it places a gossamer film over them so that I can see you for what you appear to be, not what I want you to be. There is also a prized mask that attaches to my temples like a vise. This mask hides the exchange. One pain to get rid of another; polar opposites yet both flow freely - one pain flows black, one flows red. This is the rarest of all my masks. We all have them, these masks. They can be used to present different sides of our one self, to hide what we are afraid to show, or perhaps more often than we might like to admit, they all look the same. Sometimes they protect, sometimes they harm without us even realizing it. Gone are the days of stepping into a costume to be someone else. As adults, I think most of us would much prefer to show who we are and be accepted for that on a daily basis, not just for a day. That's one reason all of my masks are the same. I suppose I'm not sure who I'm fooling more.
So regarding those lyrics... it's all a part of us, no matter what we call it. It's a little sad, a little true. I think it just depends on how deep we are willing to look. Being a child and having a mask is much sought after, being an adult in the same situation somehow loses it's magic.
On a side note here... I'll give you three guesses as to who stopped by today. I heard a knock and by the time I got to the door, I saw "B" getting back into his truck. I was not about to run after him and I actually wished that I had made it to the door in time. It's about time I make it clear that he stay away instead of just waiting around for his next 'visit' because now, now I'm getting pissed off.
This post isn't anything other than an observation, I'm not going to beat up little trick-or-treaters tonight (that I'm planning on, anyway) or anything like that. It just amazes me what the human mind can and will do, or what it is capable of in certain situations. There are days when I just wish I didn't think so much, believe it or not! =)
Happy All Hallows Eve!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
No quirky names mentioned...
(Terri) ... but some unknown Blogger (Terri) has tagged me. This unknown individual (Terri) thinks that discussing some of my quirks would be amusing. Well, (Terri) I'm pretty much one big quirk, so let's see what I can come up with... =) In no order of importance, of course...
1) I cannot leave just 'one' of anything. Examples: pickles in a jar, pills in a bottle, sticks of gum in a pack, underwear in a drawer, etc. I have to either take the last one too, or add to what would have been the last one (as with the underwear, by making sure the laundry is ready). Whatever the case, there can't be one left.
2) The objects that scare me most all resemble humans: dolls, mannequins, ventriloquist dummies, puppets (except that really cute sock dog puppet and the Roaming Gnome)... spiders aside.
3) I rock. And no, I don't mean as in "I'm the best", I mean that I have akathisia. I can never remember a time when I wasn't being told to 'stop fidgeting', even as a very young girl. I never realize that I'm doing it; therefore, find it hard to catch myself and stop.
4) I rarely chew gum but when I do, I swallow it within 45 minutes, tops. At some point my brain decides that if I'm chewing something it must be food, so I swallow it. Maybe it's because of the infrequency, I'm in remedial gum-chewing 101.
5) Every clock in my house (and car) is set between 5 and 12 minutes fast. This is because I am perpetually late... or just half a second this side of late. Even though I know they are set ahead, it helps me get where I'm going on time.
6) Playing off #5, I can never set my alarm clock for an even time, ie: 6:30, 5:45, 4:00... it's always 6:31, 5:42, 3:58. How do I select this magic number? I check out all the surrounding numbers and select the one that just seems 'right'. I'm weird.
7) I detest rice. Every now and then I eat some (maybe three times a year) and either decide it's not so bad or dump it off the plate. In the end, I still hate rice. I never finish the last little bit of soup; for some reason I think it's gross, and I avoid 'communal food bins' aka salad bars for the same reason.
8) I swim like a rock. The only reason I'm listing this is because I've had lessons as a child and as an adult... final analysis: my body is literally too tense to swim (that's just weird). Interestingly, I adore water, love to be both around it and in it... just not swimming.
9) My mind gets ahead of me. Ok, stop laughing. I can figure bizarre math problems or proofread a page at a glance but then have to work to get the answer in the proper way. 98% of the time I'm right but couldn't tell you how I got it so quickly.
10) Right here is a good place for me to tell you to shut up... I have an indescribable urge to put things in my mouth. (Taps foot, waiting for laughter to die down...) Not just anything you pervs, but, uh, living things like baby animals. I don't know, perhaps I was a gator or croc in a previous life... they keep their babies in their mouth, right? On many occasions I have put the fuzzy little heads of kittens, geese, puppies, bunnies... yes, in my mouth. Only for a second... it's like one better than a kiss. Interestingly, my grandmother just divulged that she used to do this to the ducklings as a girl, so it must be genetic. (So Terri.... wishing you never tagged me yet...lol?!)
11) Speaking of things in my mouth, there are certain textures (mainly fabrics) that I can't touch. When I feel something that doesn't suit me, I immediately imagine it in my mouth, actually on my tongue. Blech. Certain cotton twills or canvas is enough to make me attempt to wipe my tongue off in an effort to make my brain 'feel' something else. It can stay with me for hours and has the potential to drive me mad. I will not allow my dentist to use gauze or cotton on me without first dampening it. Even then he has to be quick.
12) I am incapable of liking a guy that likes me first. I get suspicious of that. I absolutely must like him first, then of course, get him to fall for me due to my wit, charm, and sense of humor. I suppose it's really a control thing. (And so, how does one exactly prove they liked you 20 minutes earlier??) Of course, I'll omit this list... yes indeed.
13) Hating spiders, you'd think I'd smoosh them, right? Wrong - I'll find a little container, place it over the offending arachnid, slip an envelope or something between to trap it then release it outside. Hey - not their fault I'm a spider wimp. I've held eight to 14+ foot (with help on the big ones) snakes and didn't flinch but a spider the size of a jellybean really freaks me out. Go figure.
14) When I read, I often lapse into an accent. Often it is British. I am not. (And I don't mean reading aloud, I mean in my 'ed.)
15) My email address name is an alias. So there, take that. Believe it or not, I'm a very private person in many aspects - the rest (as you all know) is an open book.
16) I've been walking around with a huge hole in my shoe for literally months now because that's how much I detest shoe shopping. And grocery shopping - but that's different.
So, for the tagger that shall remain nameless... hahaha... there you have it babe! Just because I haven't already proven I'm a huge weirdo... I've decided to really hammer that home here today. Golly I hope all the cool kids still talk to me after this... =) Besides, I'm sure you can tell with this list that a second list would be no problem. One thing I can say about this, other than it was quite fun is... damn, I'm weird!
For a big change, I'm going to tag this time... and of course if I tag you and you don't want to, I'll understand. I mean, I'll cry alot because then I'll feel guilty, but I'll understand. (So why not just suck it up and do it?) Also... if you would like to share some of your quirks with us, please feel free to tag yourself (as I've said before, your palms won't become hairy), just make sure you wash your hands before you come back here..
Ok, here's where I get to have some fun:
FM (you knew you had it coming!)
Jay (pretty please???)
Carpy (you are cursing me now, aren't you?)
Jason (want to know more about you!)
Kitty (this should be good!)
1) I cannot leave just 'one' of anything. Examples: pickles in a jar, pills in a bottle, sticks of gum in a pack, underwear in a drawer, etc. I have to either take the last one too, or add to what would have been the last one (as with the underwear, by making sure the laundry is ready). Whatever the case, there can't be one left.
2) The objects that scare me most all resemble humans: dolls, mannequins, ventriloquist dummies, puppets (except that really cute sock dog puppet and the Roaming Gnome)... spiders aside.
3) I rock. And no, I don't mean as in "I'm the best", I mean that I have akathisia. I can never remember a time when I wasn't being told to 'stop fidgeting', even as a very young girl. I never realize that I'm doing it; therefore, find it hard to catch myself and stop.
4) I rarely chew gum but when I do, I swallow it within 45 minutes, tops. At some point my brain decides that if I'm chewing something it must be food, so I swallow it. Maybe it's because of the infrequency, I'm in remedial gum-chewing 101.
5) Every clock in my house (and car) is set between 5 and 12 minutes fast. This is because I am perpetually late... or just half a second this side of late. Even though I know they are set ahead, it helps me get where I'm going on time.
6) Playing off #5, I can never set my alarm clock for an even time, ie: 6:30, 5:45, 4:00... it's always 6:31, 5:42, 3:58. How do I select this magic number? I check out all the surrounding numbers and select the one that just seems 'right'. I'm weird.
7) I detest rice. Every now and then I eat some (maybe three times a year) and either decide it's not so bad or dump it off the plate. In the end, I still hate rice. I never finish the last little bit of soup; for some reason I think it's gross, and I avoid 'communal food bins' aka salad bars for the same reason.
8) I swim like a rock. The only reason I'm listing this is because I've had lessons as a child and as an adult... final analysis: my body is literally too tense to swim (that's just weird). Interestingly, I adore water, love to be both around it and in it... just not swimming.
9) My mind gets ahead of me. Ok, stop laughing. I can figure bizarre math problems or proofread a page at a glance but then have to work to get the answer in the proper way. 98% of the time I'm right but couldn't tell you how I got it so quickly.
10) Right here is a good place for me to tell you to shut up... I have an indescribable urge to put things in my mouth. (Taps foot, waiting for laughter to die down...) Not just anything you pervs, but, uh, living things like baby animals. I don't know, perhaps I was a gator or croc in a previous life... they keep their babies in their mouth, right? On many occasions I have put the fuzzy little heads of kittens, geese, puppies, bunnies... yes, in my mouth. Only for a second... it's like one better than a kiss. Interestingly, my grandmother just divulged that she used to do this to the ducklings as a girl, so it must be genetic. (So Terri.... wishing you never tagged me yet...lol?!)
11) Speaking of things in my mouth, there are certain textures (mainly fabrics) that I can't touch. When I feel something that doesn't suit me, I immediately imagine it in my mouth, actually on my tongue. Blech. Certain cotton twills or canvas is enough to make me attempt to wipe my tongue off in an effort to make my brain 'feel' something else. It can stay with me for hours and has the potential to drive me mad. I will not allow my dentist to use gauze or cotton on me without first dampening it. Even then he has to be quick.
12) I am incapable of liking a guy that likes me first. I get suspicious of that. I absolutely must like him first, then of course, get him to fall for me due to my wit, charm, and sense of humor. I suppose it's really a control thing. (And so, how does one exactly prove they liked you 20 minutes earlier??) Of course, I'll omit this list... yes indeed.
13) Hating spiders, you'd think I'd smoosh them, right? Wrong - I'll find a little container, place it over the offending arachnid, slip an envelope or something between to trap it then release it outside. Hey - not their fault I'm a spider wimp. I've held eight to 14+ foot (with help on the big ones) snakes and didn't flinch but a spider the size of a jellybean really freaks me out. Go figure.
14) When I read, I often lapse into an accent. Often it is British. I am not. (And I don't mean reading aloud, I mean in my 'ed.)
15) My email address name is an alias. So there, take that. Believe it or not, I'm a very private person in many aspects - the rest (as you all know) is an open book.
16) I've been walking around with a huge hole in my shoe for literally months now because that's how much I detest shoe shopping. And grocery shopping - but that's different.
So, for the tagger that shall remain nameless... hahaha... there you have it babe! Just because I haven't already proven I'm a huge weirdo... I've decided to really hammer that home here today. Golly I hope all the cool kids still talk to me after this... =) Besides, I'm sure you can tell with this list that a second list would be no problem. One thing I can say about this, other than it was quite fun is... damn, I'm weird!
For a big change, I'm going to tag this time... and of course if I tag you and you don't want to, I'll understand. I mean, I'll cry alot because then I'll feel guilty, but I'll understand. (So why not just suck it up and do it?) Also... if you would like to share some of your quirks with us, please feel free to tag yourself (as I've said before, your palms won't become hairy), just make sure you wash your hands before you come back here..
Ok, here's where I get to have some fun:
FM (you knew you had it coming!)
Jay (pretty please???)
Carpy (you are cursing me now, aren't you?)
Jason (want to know more about you!)
Kitty (this should be good!)
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Oh, and the trees were beautiful
Well, I've managed to make it through unscathed which is pretty good since I haven't had a proper interview in six years! Almost 3 hours driving there, 3.5 interviewing and talking to HR, another 3 hours home... man does my butt hurt from sitting! So here's the rundown...
Got up, got ready, hair, bit of makeup, clothes, blah, blah, blah... I was a new woman! I looked pretty damned good if I do say so myself. It was a rainy day yet my hair looked good, my clothes didn't wrinkle, and my pants didn't fall off... go figure. Caught a glimpse of myself in one of the full length mirrors and thought, 'yeah, I'd do me'... lol! Classy, huh? =)
The hospital was really quite huge once I was inside. Most certainly I'd need a map and a trail of bread crumbs to find my way around. I got a partial tour, had a rather long interview and seemed to have just about everything they were looking for. Best part? I got to see where they keep the leeches! Yep, that's right... they have medical grade leeches for treatments. I can imagine it now... I'd be taking them out to sit in the courtyard during lunch; you know, chatting and playing games and such. Hey! Quit snickering! Leeches are people too, you know?! Er, something like that...
So now I sit and wait. I suck at waiting (no pun intended with the leech comment...). But, the moment I came home I sent two 'thank you' emails to the people I spent time with today. I will give myself a fighting chance, oh yes indeedy. I still suck at waiting though. Gah!!!!
I've done my best for this and it is now out of my hands. As I've said, I don't even know what I want, truthfully. If I hear anything significant, I'm sure I'll post it on here. Until then, I just...have...to wait....
Got up, got ready, hair, bit of makeup, clothes, blah, blah, blah... I was a new woman! I looked pretty damned good if I do say so myself. It was a rainy day yet my hair looked good, my clothes didn't wrinkle, and my pants didn't fall off... go figure. Caught a glimpse of myself in one of the full length mirrors and thought, 'yeah, I'd do me'... lol! Classy, huh? =)
The hospital was really quite huge once I was inside. Most certainly I'd need a map and a trail of bread crumbs to find my way around. I got a partial tour, had a rather long interview and seemed to have just about everything they were looking for. Best part? I got to see where they keep the leeches! Yep, that's right... they have medical grade leeches for treatments. I can imagine it now... I'd be taking them out to sit in the courtyard during lunch; you know, chatting and playing games and such. Hey! Quit snickering! Leeches are people too, you know?! Er, something like that...
So now I sit and wait. I suck at waiting (no pun intended with the leech comment...). But, the moment I came home I sent two 'thank you' emails to the people I spent time with today. I will give myself a fighting chance, oh yes indeedy. I still suck at waiting though. Gah!!!!
I've done my best for this and it is now out of my hands. As I've said, I don't even know what I want, truthfully. If I hear anything significant, I'm sure I'll post it on here. Until then, I just...have...to wait....
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Roll the Dice
Well, I've been a bit lax in checking blogs lately and feel bad because you've all been so great guiding me through the past two weeks when things were really bleak. I would like to thank you for that; it was such a help to have input from different sources.
The reason that I have been behind in everything is that I've been preparing for the interview in Pittsburgh. Do you have any idea what a crazy couple of days it's been? Keep in mind that I wear hospital scrubs for work so that is really the main part of my wardrobe. Funny thing is, that is not considered appropriate interview attire; no - not even for a position in which you will be wearing the same. Of all times, I've been given extra hours at work and trying to dig through my closet and drawers (not those drawers) and packed boxes for something to wear that would fit me. I went shopping and found nothing but I do have a gorgeous pair of black pants that I've teamed with a cocoa brown silk blend twinset with a slight sheen. Very smart looking indeed. Who knew I looked that professional out of scrubs...lol?! The only problem is that the pants are a bit big (ok, more than a bit) in the waist. They have those hangy-loop-things on them so I'm considering hooking them onto my bra somehow - like hidden makeshift hillbilly girl-suspenders. Well, I don't want my pants falling off!!! Well... unless it would get me a better job offer...
Of course I have no idea what the outcome will be, and I'm okay with that. This will get me used to interviewing (nothing like diving into a huge, 800 bed hospital as your first interview in years), show me what the rest of the world does (and has to offer) outside my little corner of the world, and makes me see if I can effectively sell myself. No, not as a prostitute, but to see how well I come across and if I can convey my thoughts, knowledge, and skills with seamless effort. For those reasons alone I think this is a good thing. This just sort of came about without planning so it's not like a life-long dream is riding on this interview and I won't have a breakdown if it doesn't go well. Of course, if it does, then I might have one because I'd have some tough choices. For the moment, I'm alright with it all, we'll just see what happens.
I'm sure I'll stop in and give an update either Thursday night or Friday then I'll be off for another week starting Saturday. Play nice while I'm gone. Either that or have some good fight stories for my return! =)
The reason that I have been behind in everything is that I've been preparing for the interview in Pittsburgh. Do you have any idea what a crazy couple of days it's been? Keep in mind that I wear hospital scrubs for work so that is really the main part of my wardrobe. Funny thing is, that is not considered appropriate interview attire; no - not even for a position in which you will be wearing the same. Of all times, I've been given extra hours at work and trying to dig through my closet and drawers (not those drawers) and packed boxes for something to wear that would fit me. I went shopping and found nothing but I do have a gorgeous pair of black pants that I've teamed with a cocoa brown silk blend twinset with a slight sheen. Very smart looking indeed. Who knew I looked that professional out of scrubs...lol?! The only problem is that the pants are a bit big (ok, more than a bit) in the waist. They have those hangy-loop-things on them so I'm considering hooking them onto my bra somehow - like hidden makeshift hillbilly girl-suspenders. Well, I don't want my pants falling off!!! Well... unless it would get me a better job offer...
Of course I have no idea what the outcome will be, and I'm okay with that. This will get me used to interviewing (nothing like diving into a huge, 800 bed hospital as your first interview in years), show me what the rest of the world does (and has to offer) outside my little corner of the world, and makes me see if I can effectively sell myself. No, not as a prostitute, but to see how well I come across and if I can convey my thoughts, knowledge, and skills with seamless effort. For those reasons alone I think this is a good thing. This just sort of came about without planning so it's not like a life-long dream is riding on this interview and I won't have a breakdown if it doesn't go well. Of course, if it does, then I might have one because I'd have some tough choices. For the moment, I'm alright with it all, we'll just see what happens.
I'm sure I'll stop in and give an update either Thursday night or Friday then I'll be off for another week starting Saturday. Play nice while I'm gone. Either that or have some good fight stories for my return! =)
Monday, October 24, 2005
Funny, silly, loss-of-consciousness, happy teary things...
Oy... it all started sometime last night (or this morning) when I had a dream that Tim Robbins liked me and was asking me out in some bashful sort of way. As if I'd ever consider not going out with him! Far from truth, I know...but oh my. I was just tickled; I DO like him, ya' know. *sigh*
Ok, moving on. I called a friend of mine that I haven't been keeping in touch with lately (the one who sends me packages) and we talked for two hours. I sooo miss talking to her and having our usual doses of silly together. I think I laughed more in that time span than I have for months put together. She's almost as much of an ass as I am although somewhat more refined. Good times.
This intern at work was telling me about a Halloween party she and her boyfriend went to this past weekend and they saw a guy there in just pants; nothing else. Eventually she asked him what he was (for his costume). His reply? A premature ejaculation, I just came in my pants. I was pretty impressed!
And as I was up in the OB/labor and delivery wing of the hospital today making rounds... yours truly almost passed out cold. No lie, there was some woman, about 30 feet away in the absolute final stages of delivery. There were screams and sounds I never want to hear the likes of again. That is something I am a real wimp with and I managed to finish what I was doing as I got more and more light headed... told the nurse to call Pharmacy if I went down...
Which rounds out the post by saying that for the only time in my life, I was able to hear the first sounds and cries of a newborn baby. Yes, my eyes were getting a bit damp. Think of this, when this baby is 20 or 50 or 80... the fact remains that I'll be one of a handful of people that heard his little cries for the first time. (Granted I'll most likely be dead when he's 50 or 80...) But it was his entrance into the world and he was certainly wailing. Didn't have the heart to tell him it might not get a whole lot better at times. Honestly though, it was strange but kind of emotional, even without knowing the family. I feel completely weird experiencing that, but rather priveleged in a way. Well, except for the part where I almost passed out... happy birthday, baby boy....
Ok, moving on. I called a friend of mine that I haven't been keeping in touch with lately (the one who sends me packages) and we talked for two hours. I sooo miss talking to her and having our usual doses of silly together. I think I laughed more in that time span than I have for months put together. She's almost as much of an ass as I am although somewhat more refined. Good times.
This intern at work was telling me about a Halloween party she and her boyfriend went to this past weekend and they saw a guy there in just pants; nothing else. Eventually she asked him what he was (for his costume). His reply? A premature ejaculation, I just came in my pants. I was pretty impressed!
And as I was up in the OB/labor and delivery wing of the hospital today making rounds... yours truly almost passed out cold. No lie, there was some woman, about 30 feet away in the absolute final stages of delivery. There were screams and sounds I never want to hear the likes of again. That is something I am a real wimp with and I managed to finish what I was doing as I got more and more light headed... told the nurse to call Pharmacy if I went down...
Which rounds out the post by saying that for the only time in my life, I was able to hear the first sounds and cries of a newborn baby. Yes, my eyes were getting a bit damp. Think of this, when this baby is 20 or 50 or 80... the fact remains that I'll be one of a handful of people that heard his little cries for the first time. (Granted I'll most likely be dead when he's 50 or 80...) But it was his entrance into the world and he was certainly wailing. Didn't have the heart to tell him it might not get a whole lot better at times. Honestly though, it was strange but kind of emotional, even without knowing the family. I feel completely weird experiencing that, but rather priveleged in a way. Well, except for the part where I almost passed out... happy birthday, baby boy....
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Strange Brew
Yes, I know it's the weekend and many folks (I've been using that word so much lately) don't really do the blog thing then, but that's ok... I still need to let a few thoughts creep out of my head. I think better in written form (most likely because of my poor memory) so I don't know which is more alarming; the fact that my writing has more clarity or that something exists that has even less clarity, which would be my memory. Interesting thought...
Anyway, most important of all. My snack-o-the-week is the following: pour crunchy granola in a bowl, cover with shredded coconut, add a significant volume of lowfat vanilla yogurt, drizzle with chocolate sauce and add a dash of cinnamon. I'd give up sex for this. Ha. Oh, wait... I think I have...
Just because I've had such a wonderful week or so, my little psycho man Benny decided to add to it all. You know I love my animals but he's got an aggression problem. He literally came jumping up at me and attacked my hand. I'm not taking a pic of my hand to show you but I AM putting in a link. Do not look at the second link if you get queasy with injuries. Cat bites are serious things. They can be worse than dog bites simply due to the shape of those pointy little teeth - they inject the bacteria in were it remains trapped. This is an example of what can manifest; scroll down and read the captions. I've had numerous cat (and dog...and rabbit) bites due to a previous career and I know what to watch for. Definitely infected but I'm hoping that my body will take care of it; if not, I'll get antibiotics.
Anyway, most important of all. My snack-o-the-week is the following: pour crunchy granola in a bowl, cover with shredded coconut, add a significant volume of lowfat vanilla yogurt, drizzle with chocolate sauce and add a dash of cinnamon. I'd give up sex for this. Ha. Oh, wait... I think I have...
Just because I've had such a wonderful week or so, my little psycho man Benny decided to add to it all. You know I love my animals but he's got an aggression problem. He literally came jumping up at me and attacked my hand. I'm not taking a pic of my hand to show you but I AM putting in a link. Do not look at the second link if you get queasy with injuries. Cat bites are serious things. They can be worse than dog bites simply due to the shape of those pointy little teeth - they inject the bacteria in were it remains trapped. This is an example of what can manifest; scroll down and read the captions. I've had numerous cat (and dog...and rabbit) bites due to a previous career and I know what to watch for. Definitely infected but I'm hoping that my body will take care of it; if not, I'll get antibiotics.
He goes to the vet Monday for a recheck, vaccines, and a prescription for sedatives. Using me as a chew toy is bad enough, but if he gets someone else... No, he is not dead in that picture, but let me tell you, I could arrange for that.
My interview is Thursday. I'm putting together an interview outfit and getting nervous. Not because of the interview, that's not stressful to me, it's other things. I'm wondering if I'm a fool for thinking I can do this. Or if I even should do this. This would be a real city again. I'd be totally alone. I'd be crying every night over the homeless people that I'd no doubt pass daily (yes, I'm like that). And could I really leave my Gram here? That is probably the single biggest thing. I am feeling like I'd be abandoning her. To be honest, I think she feels that way, too. The words and phrases she uses all support that and it breaks my heart. Will it break my heart enough to make me stay? There's a good chance. It's not like I have an offer or anything, but even if this one wouldn't work out, I had not planned on just giving up; there would have been other positions that I'd apply for. Just thoughts... that's all.
So moving along, I work five days, go to the interview (3 hours each way) have one day off then run off to petsit for another five days or so. This means separation from blogdom for a while and I don't like that. Today I learned that an aunt of mine is not doing well, so I'd like to find time to get to visit her during this time. It might be the last time I see her. Or that time might have already come and gone; no one ever knows.
Is it wrong to want to catch a break? To maybe have someone here to help with all of these things? I still have to petsit from time to time, picking up my life here, so I can get money since I don't make enough with my unpredictable job. Choosing to work because I have to versus visiting a dying relative is a very unfair call to have to make. I'm trying to make something better for myself (as most of us are) and I feel like I keep tripping on my own feet. I'm not in a frenzy over it yet and hope to avoid it, but I'm just finding more questions when I look for answers. For now, that's ok - really. But eventually, that won't be enough and I just sense that time coming closer.
And by the way... blogger could use a couple more fonts, wouldn't you say? This one looks so nice now but translates terribly for the blog itself. Ah, maybe I'm just a sucker for a nice sans serif...
Just to show you... considering my dour mood lately.... here's proof...
It does happen...
~
And another thing. All of these pop-under ads are starting to really piss me the fuck off. Who in the hell thinks that an annoying little, unsolicited piece of shit like that is going to make me pay attention? Even if I desperately wanted what was being offered I'd pass on principle alone. I don't know, does this add a paltry amount to website or blog income or something? I have so little tolerance for that; I really, really do. Very well then, carry on...
Friday, October 21, 2005
Never gave you even half of what your worth
Woo-Mutha-Luvin'-Hoo! It's been almost eight, count 'em, e-i-g-h-t full hours since I've cried. Thank god, I think I was becoming dehydrated...
But read on... it's going to get better... it's not all a boo-hoo post!
Anyway, the thing that had me upset from the last post has been addressed directly (I didn't expect anything less from this person) and although I cried the entire time (such a wimp lately...) it's pretty much out there. I don't know if it can be fixed, or if there is something to fix; I just know I feel alot of guilt. Whether real or imagined, I feel it. I feel better for having talked, which I knew I would.
I'm beginning to think I should just tattoo the work pariah on my forehead. Anyway.
On to the big news. It may go nowhere but for now, it's huge fucking news. Remember how I said I applied for a job (via internet) at UPMC? Of course you do... you hang on my every word. {ahem} So anyway, later that day I threw caution to the wind and also applied to Allegheny General. Well, less than 24 hours later, AG had called me to set up an interview. Less than 24 hours after submitting it on the internet... and I'm out of state!!! So I've talked to two people but will be scheduling the interview tomorrow. Well, as long as a plane engine (a la Donnie Darko) doesn't fall down and get me. So here I am, all 'oh what the hell, nothing better to do, might as well send this and see if anyone wants me' then end up doing a second one... and they contact me immediately. Shit. I'm so excited and nervous all at once. They must've liked what they saw on the resume, which was not padded, by the way. I'm going to try for Monday or Tuesday for an interview but we'll see what they have available. Just like anyone, I'm afraid they'll interview me and not choose me; which may indeed happen. But at least I can try. I'll charm the pants off them. Believe it or not, this LiVEwiRe has more charm hiding under her boobs at any given moment than most people have after years of enrollment in charm school. (Even though that phrase lacks any bit of charm...lol.) Of course, then that means moving again... move #40. Say, does that spell party or what?! If I'd get this job and accept it, anyone else looking to move to Pittsburgh? We could get a great loft apartment...
But read on... it's going to get better... it's not all a boo-hoo post!
Anyway, the thing that had me upset from the last post has been addressed directly (I didn't expect anything less from this person) and although I cried the entire time (such a wimp lately...) it's pretty much out there. I don't know if it can be fixed, or if there is something to fix; I just know I feel alot of guilt. Whether real or imagined, I feel it. I feel better for having talked, which I knew I would.
I'm beginning to think I should just tattoo the work pariah on my forehead. Anyway.
On to the big news. It may go nowhere but for now, it's huge fucking news. Remember how I said I applied for a job (via internet) at UPMC? Of course you do... you hang on my every word. {ahem} So anyway, later that day I threw caution to the wind and also applied to Allegheny General. Well, less than 24 hours later, AG had called me to set up an interview. Less than 24 hours after submitting it on the internet... and I'm out of state!!! So I've talked to two people but will be scheduling the interview tomorrow. Well, as long as a plane engine (a la Donnie Darko) doesn't fall down and get me. So here I am, all 'oh what the hell, nothing better to do, might as well send this and see if anyone wants me' then end up doing a second one... and they contact me immediately. Shit. I'm so excited and nervous all at once. They must've liked what they saw on the resume, which was not padded, by the way. I'm going to try for Monday or Tuesday for an interview but we'll see what they have available. Just like anyone, I'm afraid they'll interview me and not choose me; which may indeed happen. But at least I can try. I'll charm the pants off them. Believe it or not, this LiVEwiRe has more charm hiding under her boobs at any given moment than most people have after years of enrollment in charm school. (Even though that phrase lacks any bit of charm...lol.) Of course, then that means moving again... move #40. Say, does that spell party or what?! If I'd get this job and accept it, anyone else looking to move to Pittsburgh? We could get a great loft apartment...
Photo circa: 1977
Photo circa: Uh, more recent... =)
I'm sure you can tell by my nonstop babbling that I'm excited. And equally frightened... all the 'what-ifs', you know? And if not this one, there would be another one available at some point in time. I just know that my current job is not working and it won't be working - unless they change the entire structure.
So anyway... for the moment, I have something to look forward to and I can feel that the possibility of it is giving me back a portion of my strength. In the past week, several situations (really one in particular) told me I didn't have worth... within 24 hours, they let me know that I did. I had enough worth for them to want to talk with me further.
I am so ready for something good.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Cerulean
Last night I worked way over, until 1:45am to be exact. Tired yet wide awake from the extended night and the drive home (have to dodge wildlife in a big way), I decided to check out the w3 before bed. After an hour I opted for a magazine and then was on the phone with my mom for about 30 minutes. Somewhere around 4am I took my Klonopin and eventually slept (although not ON my cell phone) for a few fitful hours. After just lounging in bed and noticing how shitty I felt, I decided to check my email on my phone. (Yes, you've most likely all been in bed with me at some point. Therapy sessions are that way ~>.)
Blah, blah, blah, hmmm, check that one later, blah, blah, delete that one right now, blah, blah... oh look! Oh wait. Within about four nanoseconds I went from being delighted to see the email's sender then a little nervous, yet eager when I saw the subject. When I opened it (keep in mind this is a cell phone screen) I caught the end of the subject and knew it couldn't be good. After reading it in it's entirety on my PC I was sort of in a daze. Read a few blogs, reread the email. Got restless, milled about, went into my room to get something but knew it was only an excuse to cry for a minute. I was just so exhausted and spent, then taken aback by the email. So off I go again, get a few things done, post a few comments, reread the email once again and proclaim that I needed more sleep around noon. That was very true, but I also needed time to take in the information I had been given...
~ On her back, the tears flowed freely from the corners of her eyes running simultaneous races on opposite sides of her face. Her eyes remained fixed on the ceiling. Blink: such blurry vision. Blink again: a simultaneous crystal clear view as the heavy tears rolled down, landed in her ever dampening hair and splashed on her ear. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat... In the relative quiet of her small room, she gave herself over to yet another of the small blue pills. Once in a while the words would find their way back into her consciousness, making her mind stutter and stammer over various memories and dreams. Once they were hers, all of them; yet she knew they never really did belong to her. Intermittently, it felt as if some sadistic god had reached into her chest, pulled at her heart and when the resistance became too much, let it snap right back in place, forcing a gasp of air. In truth, she knew it was only due to a minor cardio condition surfacing because of the stress, yet the sensation was highly appropriate. For over five hours she remained in bed, all but unmoving. For over five hours she imagined her tears tracing repeatedly over the same damp path, the same way she always repeated that she craved honesty from others. Perhaps, she thought, it was just the timing; she'd had an awful and taxing week - maybe she didn't need anymore honesty at this precise moment. Then the blue haze reminded her that honesty is what she craves, but as time goes on, it just stings a little more sharply. And given the circumstances, can often seem overwhelming. In her last moments before sleep, she caught a glimpse of a seconds peace, of giving up the fight even if only for a moment. It was tinged in blue.~
Then I had to get up and go to the grocery store. Pissed me right the hell off. You know, sometimes (like now) I'm almost afraid to go to bed. Not for what happens when I'm there, but for what I will wake up to. I feel like I at least have a fighting chance if I'm awake.
I haven't decided on how to address the information I was given in the email. What I will say about it is that this person had every right to say what was said and I don't want to give an impression that their thoughts and feelings are wrong, because they aren't. It's just that mine are somewhat hurt. For responding, I need to think on that. Might do it in small pieces or all at once. Today or three days from now. I've got alot going on at the moment (I know, who doesn't...) and I'm just starting to feel like I'm on really shaky ground. I'm watching things fall away and part of me doesn't know whether to try to pull them back, watch them fall or fall with them.
Getting back to being goofy and sarcastic and random will be so good. I hope that happens soon.
Blah, blah, blah, hmmm, check that one later, blah, blah, delete that one right now, blah, blah... oh look! Oh wait. Within about four nanoseconds I went from being delighted to see the email's sender then a little nervous, yet eager when I saw the subject. When I opened it (keep in mind this is a cell phone screen) I caught the end of the subject and knew it couldn't be good. After reading it in it's entirety on my PC I was sort of in a daze. Read a few blogs, reread the email. Got restless, milled about, went into my room to get something but knew it was only an excuse to cry for a minute. I was just so exhausted and spent, then taken aback by the email. So off I go again, get a few things done, post a few comments, reread the email once again and proclaim that I needed more sleep around noon. That was very true, but I also needed time to take in the information I had been given...
~ On her back, the tears flowed freely from the corners of her eyes running simultaneous races on opposite sides of her face. Her eyes remained fixed on the ceiling. Blink: such blurry vision. Blink again: a simultaneous crystal clear view as the heavy tears rolled down, landed in her ever dampening hair and splashed on her ear. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat... In the relative quiet of her small room, she gave herself over to yet another of the small blue pills. Once in a while the words would find their way back into her consciousness, making her mind stutter and stammer over various memories and dreams. Once they were hers, all of them; yet she knew they never really did belong to her. Intermittently, it felt as if some sadistic god had reached into her chest, pulled at her heart and when the resistance became too much, let it snap right back in place, forcing a gasp of air. In truth, she knew it was only due to a minor cardio condition surfacing because of the stress, yet the sensation was highly appropriate. For over five hours she remained in bed, all but unmoving. For over five hours she imagined her tears tracing repeatedly over the same damp path, the same way she always repeated that she craved honesty from others. Perhaps, she thought, it was just the timing; she'd had an awful and taxing week - maybe she didn't need anymore honesty at this precise moment. Then the blue haze reminded her that honesty is what she craves, but as time goes on, it just stings a little more sharply. And given the circumstances, can often seem overwhelming. In her last moments before sleep, she caught a glimpse of a seconds peace, of giving up the fight even if only for a moment. It was tinged in blue.~
Then I had to get up and go to the grocery store. Pissed me right the hell off. You know, sometimes (like now) I'm almost afraid to go to bed. Not for what happens when I'm there, but for what I will wake up to. I feel like I at least have a fighting chance if I'm awake.
I haven't decided on how to address the information I was given in the email. What I will say about it is that this person had every right to say what was said and I don't want to give an impression that their thoughts and feelings are wrong, because they aren't. It's just that mine are somewhat hurt. For responding, I need to think on that. Might do it in small pieces or all at once. Today or three days from now. I've got alot going on at the moment (I know, who doesn't...) and I'm just starting to feel like I'm on really shaky ground. I'm watching things fall away and part of me doesn't know whether to try to pull them back, watch them fall or fall with them.
Getting back to being goofy and sarcastic and random will be so good. I hope that happens soon.
Can I call a 'Do Over'?
This day, meaning the past 16 hours or so (maybe more) has just really sucked.
I woke up with an odd pain in my back because I fell asleep on (yes, on) my cell phone. Too bad no one called... I had it on vibrate. Good thing I didn't call Guam, though.
A tree that was a local perching spot for hawks and eagles has just been plowed down. Most likely to make room for some dumb ass trailer park (because there aren't already like 892 of them), or yet another Walgreens. And I love my raptors. You don't fuck with my raptors. But they did and it pissed me off.
My car is filling with gas fumes. Hoo Rah. Perhaps I can use all this pesky money that's been falling out of my ass to get the repairs done.
I was supposed to work tonight until 10pm but since I had to work with the slowest person in the hemisphere, I worked until 1:45am. She's been there a few months and isn't getting any faster. Someone is going to kill her one day. If it's not me, I might still offer to hold her down.
Oh yeah, and before I left for work, 'B' stopped over. I sent Gram to just tell him I was in the shower or getting ready for work because it really threw me for a loop. Besides, I was not dressed to receive company. HE might've liked it, but that wasn't happening. Now that I think of it, I hope she didn't tell him I was in the shower... if so, now he has imagery. Fan-fucking-tastic.
I'm going to bed now (without my cell) with the hope that tomorrow is not as irritating. I'm not really holding my breath, but I'd like to be done with the tears and being pissy is something I excel at.
Let the games begin. (Yes, I know that phrase just sealed my fate.)
I woke up with an odd pain in my back because I fell asleep on (yes, on) my cell phone. Too bad no one called... I had it on vibrate. Good thing I didn't call Guam, though.
A tree that was a local perching spot for hawks and eagles has just been plowed down. Most likely to make room for some dumb ass trailer park (because there aren't already like 892 of them), or yet another Walgreens. And I love my raptors. You don't fuck with my raptors. But they did and it pissed me off.
My car is filling with gas fumes. Hoo Rah. Perhaps I can use all this pesky money that's been falling out of my ass to get the repairs done.
I was supposed to work tonight until 10pm but since I had to work with the slowest person in the hemisphere, I worked until 1:45am. She's been there a few months and isn't getting any faster. Someone is going to kill her one day. If it's not me, I might still offer to hold her down.
Oh yeah, and before I left for work, 'B' stopped over. I sent Gram to just tell him I was in the shower or getting ready for work because it really threw me for a loop. Besides, I was not dressed to receive company. HE might've liked it, but that wasn't happening. Now that I think of it, I hope she didn't tell him I was in the shower... if so, now he has imagery. Fan-fucking-tastic.
I'm going to bed now (without my cell) with the hope that tomorrow is not as irritating. I'm not really holding my breath, but I'd like to be done with the tears and being pissy is something I excel at.
Let the games begin. (Yes, I know that phrase just sealed my fate.)
Monday, October 17, 2005
Grabbing at clouds...
Who would have thought them to be so sharp?
I'm still working on things from my last post. And feeling really lost.
In a bout of defiance, I sent off a resume for a job in Pittsburgh at UPMC, which is the university medical center. I don't know what I want. Maybe I want them to call me, maybe I don't. If they do, then I'll have even more thinking to do. Considering that I have next to nothing to my name, a move would be a bad idea financially. Although I am getting nowhere fast in my current situation.
I think I just want to see if someone might want me. It would be nice to feel wanted for a change. Genuinely wanted; for the right reasons.
We'll see.
And how on earth did it happen that I am almost at 10,000 on my counter... who ever would have guessed?
I'm still working on things from my last post. And feeling really lost.
In a bout of defiance, I sent off a resume for a job in Pittsburgh at UPMC, which is the university medical center. I don't know what I want. Maybe I want them to call me, maybe I don't. If they do, then I'll have even more thinking to do. Considering that I have next to nothing to my name, a move would be a bad idea financially. Although I am getting nowhere fast in my current situation.
I think I just want to see if someone might want me. It would be nice to feel wanted for a change. Genuinely wanted; for the right reasons.
We'll see.
And how on earth did it happen that I am almost at 10,000 on my counter... who ever would have guessed?
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Let them bleed...
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
He said you're really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
(Precious Things - Tori Amos)*
Disclaimer: This will not be a pleasant post
I am obviously being punished for some sort of wrongdoing. There is no way to chalk so many things up to chance. At this moment, I feel like I could crawl out of my skin; yet I know it's my mind that I want to escape. Stay with me here, I need to get this out but it may be all over the board.
To bring you up to speed... earlier today I was running errands, stopped at a local veggie stand and on the way out, managed to pass the owner on the road. He's always been a very chatty guy (and is currently running for a local office) so I didn't think it odd when he stopped to talk briefly in the middle of the road, then motioned for me to pull off onto the grass (it's his property). We talked about nothing in particular and he asked if he could put a sign in our yard. After agreeing, he said he'd be by sometime that afternoon or evening.
Ok, current situation... my stupid fucking timing. It was getting pretty dark and I'd wanted to check on Benny as he was on the enclosed patio and waiting for his cat food. Without a thought I'd flipped on the light and heard somone talking and recognized it as 'B' (which will be how I refer to him). So, to prove that I wasn't rude, I went outside to say hello. In the future, remind me to be rude. We chatted for a while then I started getting this idea that I was being watched; sized up. After a few minutes the conversation turned to talking about who I date but just making it seem like a question based on curiosity and small talk. My brain caught on. He'd been eyeing me up all right, spending more time looking at my chest (see.... I never should have made that comment) and inching closer...
This is where things get a little strained; for more than one reason. He pulls me over into this huge hug but refuses to let go. I am no small girl but he is bigger than I am, and stronger. My brain is going slower. Standing in my front yard, my produce guy/business owner/politician visitor decides he'll cool it. Just as I'm asking him what in the hell that was all about, he pulls me in to fucking kiss me. Did I mention this was right after he told me his wife was on her way home? Brain is now coming close to hibernation mode. He's now pulled me in to kiss him several times... then had the nerve to try to get me to lean into him... no doubt he was sporting an erection that I'd really rather never thought of. I hear myself telling him he needs to go and that this is going to get him into trouble and me into trouble. Although not 'us' because there IS no 'us'. He tries to whisper in my ear that he wasn't planning on broadcasting it but he thinks I'm just so "neat" and he's physically attracted to me. More pawing ensues. Go, go now, go home and don't forget your newspaper, yeah, trouble, all of it, not good... someone is saying all that. He takes a step closer, slaps a hand on my ass and places the other behind my head in an attempt to force a kiss/full body press. Brain has fully shut down. He's asking if he could maybe just stop by sometime. Off in the distance I hear 'well, you know where I live...' mouthed weakly by a voice that reminded me alot of my own...
Now. If you have anything shitty that you are thinking (about me), I'll ask you kindly to finish reading. I don't exactly know what I'm going to say yet to redeem myself but I can tell you that it will contain as much of the truth as possible barring an amount that would lead to utter humilation. Deal? Ok... moving along...
So, why did I not throw a fit and knee him in the balls and tell him to 'back the fuck up' and piss on his sign like I normally react to things that piss me off or that I really don't like? Why did I get all fuzzy headed and lose the ability to do little more than groggily protest? This is where the post gets a little difficult.
Because I didn't want anyone to know. I felt like I had done something wrong (which, honestly, was soooo not the case) and didn't want to call attention to it. I didn't want to explain the commotion to my Gram. My neighbor would wonder. And 'B' is a local business owner (previously owned one of the largest stores in town, as well) and is running for office again. Who would ever believe the crazy redhead? Who would ever believe me if someone saw or heard...
I learned to think that way. Just like my brain learned what to do. I faced some things as a young girl that were just wrong. Much of it I blocked out. Truly - my Gram will ask me if I remember and give me names and such... I recall nothing. I recall things in direct relation, things that posed no threat, but not those people. My father was an alcoholic and serious drug user. He would terrorize me in the middle of the night - coming into my room, yanking me straight out of bed, high in the air from the sound sleep of a four year old. This landed me in the hospital. He shattered heavy drinking glasses on the wall next to my head, held a gun to me, and raped a family member while I watched. I was a little fucking girl, not even five; learning to be helpless in the presence of a 'trusted' male figure. You tell me what sort of foundation that is for learning to trust, especially men. Next was an older boy that used to find a way to sit with me on the school bus. Keep in mind, it was a tiny town and all grades K-12 were in two adjacent buildings; we all rode in and out together. Back in the day when I wore dresses (ok, I was like, 7) his hands would apparently find their way under it. He was way older than I was. Apparently he liked the feel of a seven year old; until I spoke up. My family tells me that this apparently went on for some time, I was afraid that if I said for him to stop, it would draw attention. I've blocked all of that out. Or we could talk about my friends father who, when I was 11, thought it appropriate to slap me on the ass, ask me to sit on his lap, would find 18 reasons to walk into her room at night when I was sleeping over. The worst though was the leering... he'd just look me up and down and literally lick his lips. Now, an 11 year old knows about calling the authorities or telling someone but in 1980 and 81, things weren't like that at all in my tiny town. And so I grew up at a very early age learning that if you speak up, you will be humiliated, doubted, and looked down upon; even if you are right. Everyone will know what you did; even if you didn't want it. I also learned that if you are relatively compliant, you avoid getting hurt worse; even if no one should be hurting you at all and don't bother looking, you won't see it coming so there's no way to prepare; besides, it's so often a familiar face.
There were other incidents that occurred - but as I got older, I found that I'd almost reach a partial state of catatonia when faced with it. If I found myself in one of these situations I'd smile and be as pleasant as I could be (first line of defense... if I was nice, they'd certainly not do this, right? Surely this would happen only if I was bad...) then I'd try to quietly disarm them with wonderful conversation or bright smiles, not once realizing that I was only making myself appear more available. This typically happened (happens) with someone I know, or someone who is supposed to be a trustworthy individual, so my guard is down a little. So I raise my glass in a toast to the fuckers who paved the way for the turmoil I am feeling. You've done a smashing job. You've managed to teach me that it's better to shut up and be compliant so I don't get hurt or embarass anyone. You've taught me that being a fun person with an accepting smile is inviting trouble. Then of course, you've made sure I never forgot a word of it by letting me relive it from time to time. To watch myself become weak and confused, then have to fumble with the consequences; and to this very moment in time... still not be able to actually say anything for fear of the hurt or humiliation.
I'm 35 but going on the feelings of a young girl. I freeze. I become the little girl with a 1970's dress and long, long ponytails, still waiting to be left alone. Waiting for it to be ok and make sense. For the ones that she should be able to trust to stop hurting her; she shouldn't have to make those kinds of decisions. And now what happens when 'B' shows up here? Sadly, years of therapy didn't bring this crumbling down and I've begun to wonder if I can ever make myself available to a normal guy. I don't know if any guy would be patient enough with me. This is a gigantic thing to overcome, I'm afraid no one will be up for it.
I've rambled so long I can all but hear crickets in the background. From your perspective (yes, I know I may only be speaking to the crickets at this point) it may not seem like much of anything, but it is. This will be the kind of thing that gets me killed one day because I freeze at the wrong time. I suppose very little girls don't do well under pressure.
* I specifically chose this song for the post... rather fitting.
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
He said you're really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
(Precious Things - Tori Amos)*
Disclaimer: This will not be a pleasant post
I am obviously being punished for some sort of wrongdoing. There is no way to chalk so many things up to chance. At this moment, I feel like I could crawl out of my skin; yet I know it's my mind that I want to escape. Stay with me here, I need to get this out but it may be all over the board.
To bring you up to speed... earlier today I was running errands, stopped at a local veggie stand and on the way out, managed to pass the owner on the road. He's always been a very chatty guy (and is currently running for a local office) so I didn't think it odd when he stopped to talk briefly in the middle of the road, then motioned for me to pull off onto the grass (it's his property). We talked about nothing in particular and he asked if he could put a sign in our yard. After agreeing, he said he'd be by sometime that afternoon or evening.
Ok, current situation... my stupid fucking timing. It was getting pretty dark and I'd wanted to check on Benny as he was on the enclosed patio and waiting for his cat food. Without a thought I'd flipped on the light and heard somone talking and recognized it as 'B' (which will be how I refer to him). So, to prove that I wasn't rude, I went outside to say hello. In the future, remind me to be rude. We chatted for a while then I started getting this idea that I was being watched; sized up. After a few minutes the conversation turned to talking about who I date but just making it seem like a question based on curiosity and small talk. My brain caught on. He'd been eyeing me up all right, spending more time looking at my chest (see.... I never should have made that comment) and inching closer...
This is where things get a little strained; for more than one reason. He pulls me over into this huge hug but refuses to let go. I am no small girl but he is bigger than I am, and stronger. My brain is going slower. Standing in my front yard, my produce guy/business owner/politician visitor decides he'll cool it. Just as I'm asking him what in the hell that was all about, he pulls me in to fucking kiss me. Did I mention this was right after he told me his wife was on her way home? Brain is now coming close to hibernation mode. He's now pulled me in to kiss him several times... then had the nerve to try to get me to lean into him... no doubt he was sporting an erection that I'd really rather never thought of. I hear myself telling him he needs to go and that this is going to get him into trouble and me into trouble. Although not 'us' because there IS no 'us'. He tries to whisper in my ear that he wasn't planning on broadcasting it but he thinks I'm just so "neat" and he's physically attracted to me. More pawing ensues. Go, go now, go home and don't forget your newspaper, yeah, trouble, all of it, not good... someone is saying all that. He takes a step closer, slaps a hand on my ass and places the other behind my head in an attempt to force a kiss/full body press. Brain has fully shut down. He's asking if he could maybe just stop by sometime. Off in the distance I hear 'well, you know where I live...' mouthed weakly by a voice that reminded me alot of my own...
Now. If you have anything shitty that you are thinking (about me), I'll ask you kindly to finish reading. I don't exactly know what I'm going to say yet to redeem myself but I can tell you that it will contain as much of the truth as possible barring an amount that would lead to utter humilation. Deal? Ok... moving along...
So, why did I not throw a fit and knee him in the balls and tell him to 'back the fuck up' and piss on his sign like I normally react to things that piss me off or that I really don't like? Why did I get all fuzzy headed and lose the ability to do little more than groggily protest? This is where the post gets a little difficult.
Because I didn't want anyone to know. I felt like I had done something wrong (which, honestly, was soooo not the case) and didn't want to call attention to it. I didn't want to explain the commotion to my Gram. My neighbor would wonder. And 'B' is a local business owner (previously owned one of the largest stores in town, as well) and is running for office again. Who would ever believe the crazy redhead? Who would ever believe me if someone saw or heard...
I learned to think that way. Just like my brain learned what to do. I faced some things as a young girl that were just wrong. Much of it I blocked out. Truly - my Gram will ask me if I remember and give me names and such... I recall nothing. I recall things in direct relation, things that posed no threat, but not those people. My father was an alcoholic and serious drug user. He would terrorize me in the middle of the night - coming into my room, yanking me straight out of bed, high in the air from the sound sleep of a four year old. This landed me in the hospital. He shattered heavy drinking glasses on the wall next to my head, held a gun to me, and raped a family member while I watched. I was a little fucking girl, not even five; learning to be helpless in the presence of a 'trusted' male figure. You tell me what sort of foundation that is for learning to trust, especially men. Next was an older boy that used to find a way to sit with me on the school bus. Keep in mind, it was a tiny town and all grades K-12 were in two adjacent buildings; we all rode in and out together. Back in the day when I wore dresses (ok, I was like, 7) his hands would apparently find their way under it. He was way older than I was. Apparently he liked the feel of a seven year old; until I spoke up. My family tells me that this apparently went on for some time, I was afraid that if I said for him to stop, it would draw attention. I've blocked all of that out. Or we could talk about my friends father who, when I was 11, thought it appropriate to slap me on the ass, ask me to sit on his lap, would find 18 reasons to walk into her room at night when I was sleeping over. The worst though was the leering... he'd just look me up and down and literally lick his lips. Now, an 11 year old knows about calling the authorities or telling someone but in 1980 and 81, things weren't like that at all in my tiny town. And so I grew up at a very early age learning that if you speak up, you will be humiliated, doubted, and looked down upon; even if you are right. Everyone will know what you did; even if you didn't want it. I also learned that if you are relatively compliant, you avoid getting hurt worse; even if no one should be hurting you at all and don't bother looking, you won't see it coming so there's no way to prepare; besides, it's so often a familiar face.
There were other incidents that occurred - but as I got older, I found that I'd almost reach a partial state of catatonia when faced with it. If I found myself in one of these situations I'd smile and be as pleasant as I could be (first line of defense... if I was nice, they'd certainly not do this, right? Surely this would happen only if I was bad...) then I'd try to quietly disarm them with wonderful conversation or bright smiles, not once realizing that I was only making myself appear more available. This typically happened (happens) with someone I know, or someone who is supposed to be a trustworthy individual, so my guard is down a little. So I raise my glass in a toast to the fuckers who paved the way for the turmoil I am feeling. You've done a smashing job. You've managed to teach me that it's better to shut up and be compliant so I don't get hurt or embarass anyone. You've taught me that being a fun person with an accepting smile is inviting trouble. Then of course, you've made sure I never forgot a word of it by letting me relive it from time to time. To watch myself become weak and confused, then have to fumble with the consequences; and to this very moment in time... still not be able to actually say anything for fear of the hurt or humiliation.
I'm 35 but going on the feelings of a young girl. I freeze. I become the little girl with a 1970's dress and long, long ponytails, still waiting to be left alone. Waiting for it to be ok and make sense. For the ones that she should be able to trust to stop hurting her; she shouldn't have to make those kinds of decisions. And now what happens when 'B' shows up here? Sadly, years of therapy didn't bring this crumbling down and I've begun to wonder if I can ever make myself available to a normal guy. I don't know if any guy would be patient enough with me. This is a gigantic thing to overcome, I'm afraid no one will be up for it.
I've rambled so long I can all but hear crickets in the background. From your perspective (yes, I know I may only be speaking to the crickets at this point) it may not seem like much of anything, but it is. This will be the kind of thing that gets me killed one day because I freeze at the wrong time. I suppose very little girls don't do well under pressure.
* I specifically chose this song for the post... rather fitting.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
I'll tear it apart
(#1 Crush - Garbage)
So I was going to put up corny lyrics to some silly love song. But I couldn't think of one... I swear, not one. I was even browsing a lyrics page and couldn't find anything. Then... I settled on this song... which I completely love. And it's sort of a love song. In a creepy, stalker kind of way; especially if you listen and catch the rest of the lyrics. But that's ok, because yours truly has a slightly offbeat (I hear the collective gasp now) idea that kind of fits the theme...
Well, not so much a stalking theme (don't worry, I'm too lazy to be a good stalker) but the 'love' theme. I mean really, 'stalking' is just a highly concentrated form of love... right?! So anyway, I had this idea... I was talking to a friend about me not having been in a relationship for what seems to be ages and in being the incredible person that he is, had some wonderful things to say about how he views me. And no, I don't mean through a secret peephole in the door, I mean truly flattering things. But here's the point - I just don't get that; or maybe it's that I can't wrap my brain around the whys and hows. I mean, maybe in some ways, but here's this fabulous person seeing something in me that I can't see myself. Then I thought about that further - we're all like that to some extent, right? Of course we are! We all see ourselves as less than what we either are, or are capable of being.
So here's my thought. I'm making a nifty little tee shirt with one category for the back: good; then one for the front: evil. On the back I'd want to list some of the good things about me, even if it's something I've been told but can't quite admit to. (Yes, I'm one of those people that can admit to the evils easier than the positive side of myself.) It won't say anything other than 'good' or 'evil' and the lists. People are naturally inquisitive so their nosy asses would want to read it. My list of evils would probably be longer, so I put it on the front... that way, when "all the guys" (like my subtle marketing ploy?) read it they can, at best, take a break and look into mezmerizing green eyes or at worst: I won't feel like someone is staring at my ass for ages. This way, no one can ever say...'I never knew you _____' or 'what in the hell is this ______ all about?!' See? Total honesty from the get go!
Just for shits and giggles, here's a few things I'd put on it:
good
(Supposedly) sparkling laughter (was that the right word?!)
never takes the biggest/last piece of pizza
let's you win now and then when totally kicking your ass
remembers the little things about you
can get/keep your attention with a single kiss
not afraid to try new things
can make you laugh
has a million smiles in waiting
evil
likes to throw things
known to swear like a sailor
forgets the big things about everything
won't share frappuccinos
has a fit when going to the grocery store is suggested
habitual car-singer; loud and off key - deal with it
cluttered - if I can't see it, I forget about it...
stubborn
So that's what I'm thinking... then all of the major points are just out there. Of course I think my good list is over but boy do I have more for the evil list! It would most likely wrap around the sleeve so I'd better make this a long sleeved shirt. See, if enough people read it, it increases your chances of ending up with a good match and also, you can get feedback. Like several people may tell me that I must indeed share my fraps. At that point I have to re-evaluate... but I don't see that 'frap sharing' thing happening. There's bargaining power here, I tell you!
So... what would you put on your shirt?!
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
I'll tear it apart
(#1 Crush - Garbage)
So I was going to put up corny lyrics to some silly love song. But I couldn't think of one... I swear, not one. I was even browsing a lyrics page and couldn't find anything. Then... I settled on this song... which I completely love. And it's sort of a love song. In a creepy, stalker kind of way; especially if you listen and catch the rest of the lyrics. But that's ok, because yours truly has a slightly offbeat (I hear the collective gasp now) idea that kind of fits the theme...
Well, not so much a stalking theme (don't worry, I'm too lazy to be a good stalker) but the 'love' theme. I mean really, 'stalking' is just a highly concentrated form of love... right?! So anyway, I had this idea... I was talking to a friend about me not having been in a relationship for what seems to be ages and in being the incredible person that he is, had some wonderful things to say about how he views me. And no, I don't mean through a secret peephole in the door, I mean truly flattering things. But here's the point - I just don't get that; or maybe it's that I can't wrap my brain around the whys and hows. I mean, maybe in some ways, but here's this fabulous person seeing something in me that I can't see myself. Then I thought about that further - we're all like that to some extent, right? Of course we are! We all see ourselves as less than what we either are, or are capable of being.
So here's my thought. I'm making a nifty little tee shirt with one category for the back: good; then one for the front: evil. On the back I'd want to list some of the good things about me, even if it's something I've been told but can't quite admit to. (Yes, I'm one of those people that can admit to the evils easier than the positive side of myself.) It won't say anything other than 'good' or 'evil' and the lists. People are naturally inquisitive so their nosy asses would want to read it. My list of evils would probably be longer, so I put it on the front... that way, when "all the guys" (like my subtle marketing ploy?) read it they can, at best, take a break and look into mezmerizing green eyes or at worst: I won't feel like someone is staring at my ass for ages. This way, no one can ever say...'I never knew you _____' or 'what in the hell is this ______ all about?!' See? Total honesty from the get go!
Just for shits and giggles, here's a few things I'd put on it:
good
(Supposedly) sparkling laughter (was that the right word?!)
never takes the biggest/last piece of pizza
let's you win now and then when totally kicking your ass
remembers the little things about you
can get/keep your attention with a single kiss
not afraid to try new things
can make you laugh
has a million smiles in waiting
evil
likes to throw things
known to swear like a sailor
forgets the big things about everything
won't share frappuccinos
has a fit when going to the grocery store is suggested
habitual car-singer; loud and off key - deal with it
cluttered - if I can't see it, I forget about it...
stubborn
So that's what I'm thinking... then all of the major points are just out there. Of course I think my good list is over but boy do I have more for the evil list! It would most likely wrap around the sleeve so I'd better make this a long sleeved shirt. See, if enough people read it, it increases your chances of ending up with a good match and also, you can get feedback. Like several people may tell me that I must indeed share my fraps. At that point I have to re-evaluate... but I don't see that 'frap sharing' thing happening. There's bargaining power here, I tell you!
So... what would you put on your shirt?!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
And a good night to you, too.
For those of you following 'the saga of me', the dream-post from the other day is settling. I'll just say that I grew balls bigger than I thought possible for the circumstance. I acted (reluctantly) and lived to tell. But I won't bore you with all of that.
During a conversation earlier today, I was discussing my apparently fundamental flaws based on the fact that I have this strange ability to be like the water to a relationship's oil. I don't think it's on purpose, but it's quite effective either way. Maybe it's true... maybe girls DO have cooties. So this little conversation got me to thinking about exes and such; which, if honesty is involved - I had to delve way into the archives. Brought out alot of thoughts... ok, now keep this in mind as we move along.
Went to work, more changes there. Almost got myself totally high on gasoline fumes on the way home (unintentionally) as it would seem that they have found a sneaky way into my car. Baffling. And headache inducing. So I walk onto the patio, which is enclosed, and come very near screaming and losing muscle control of my bladder... there was a small body face down on the floor. (Keep in mind that it's after 10:30pm and dark.) I'm so glad I have a two second delay switch. If I didn't, I would have been waking the neighbors, only to be greeted in wet pants all because my gram apparently put her stuffed Halloween witch on the floor. Yes. I was so irate that I almost tore it limb from limb but no matter what you do - stuffed decorations just never learn. So there goes the adrenaline; nice little shock to the system great for sleeping, eh?
As I come in casting off all my work-related gear, I can see a note on the dining room table. I have some repair guys coming tomorrow, so I figured it was about that, perhaps a schedule change. Instead I learn that a friend from long ago was killed in a car accident. His name was Brad. He was the first boy that I really liked being around and I, the first girl he admitted didn't have cooties. We'd find dumb ways to spend more time together and everyone knew what we didn't. We'd had one of those little crushes on each other. Even at 35, more than 25 years since we'd first read together, wrote little plays, went to each others houses toting the latest album and played in the woods, my family still asked about him. Obviously we grew apart (pretty much when I moved away) but the memories are there. Thinking of all the corny stuff we did, just to spend time together still makes me smile, at this very moment, after all this time.
Considering that I've lost several friends in the past few months (all but one being due to vehicular accidents) this has made my mind go in that direction now. First, I have fumes that try to knock me out (or get me tremendously high...), then a stuffed witch that almost has me screaming like a sissy, and now another death. All within a few minutes of each other. And then I wonder why I can't sleep...
I think a Klonopin is in order here. Well, maybe half... otherwise I'll be drooling on the repair guy when here gets here at 7:30am. And really, isn't that a little early to be doing repairs? Perhaps I'm just not destined to sleep. Oh well. =)
During a conversation earlier today, I was discussing my apparently fundamental flaws based on the fact that I have this strange ability to be like the water to a relationship's oil. I don't think it's on purpose, but it's quite effective either way. Maybe it's true... maybe girls DO have cooties. So this little conversation got me to thinking about exes and such; which, if honesty is involved - I had to delve way into the archives. Brought out alot of thoughts... ok, now keep this in mind as we move along.
Went to work, more changes there. Almost got myself totally high on gasoline fumes on the way home (unintentionally) as it would seem that they have found a sneaky way into my car. Baffling. And headache inducing. So I walk onto the patio, which is enclosed, and come very near screaming and losing muscle control of my bladder... there was a small body face down on the floor. (Keep in mind that it's after 10:30pm and dark.) I'm so glad I have a two second delay switch. If I didn't, I would have been waking the neighbors, only to be greeted in wet pants all because my gram apparently put her stuffed Halloween witch on the floor. Yes. I was so irate that I almost tore it limb from limb but no matter what you do - stuffed decorations just never learn. So there goes the adrenaline; nice little shock to the system great for sleeping, eh?
As I come in casting off all my work-related gear, I can see a note on the dining room table. I have some repair guys coming tomorrow, so I figured it was about that, perhaps a schedule change. Instead I learn that a friend from long ago was killed in a car accident. His name was Brad. He was the first boy that I really liked being around and I, the first girl he admitted didn't have cooties. We'd find dumb ways to spend more time together and everyone knew what we didn't. We'd had one of those little crushes on each other. Even at 35, more than 25 years since we'd first read together, wrote little plays, went to each others houses toting the latest album and played in the woods, my family still asked about him. Obviously we grew apart (pretty much when I moved away) but the memories are there. Thinking of all the corny stuff we did, just to spend time together still makes me smile, at this very moment, after all this time.
Considering that I've lost several friends in the past few months (all but one being due to vehicular accidents) this has made my mind go in that direction now. First, I have fumes that try to knock me out (or get me tremendously high...), then a stuffed witch that almost has me screaming like a sissy, and now another death. All within a few minutes of each other. And then I wonder why I can't sleep...
I think a Klonopin is in order here. Well, maybe half... otherwise I'll be drooling on the repair guy when here gets here at 7:30am. And really, isn't that a little early to be doing repairs? Perhaps I'm just not destined to sleep. Oh well. =)
Monday, October 10, 2005
This key is to your kingdom...
This key is to your heart
Neither one is a doorway
But both of them a part
So one foot in front of the other.
(Avalanche - Matthew Good)
So I went to Pittsburgh. Cried almost two full hours there, which was most of the way. Then I got fidgety and edgy. Eventually I fell into a numb sort of trance state. We remembered each other for the most part, but there was something strained about it. Yet, in other ways it was like slipping into your oldest, most comfortable jeans... they remember the curve of your body.
Here's a few pics I took from Station Square.... after that, a few words from our sponsor...
Neither one is a doorway
But both of them a part
So one foot in front of the other.
(Avalanche - Matthew Good)
So I went to Pittsburgh. Cried almost two full hours there, which was most of the way. Then I got fidgety and edgy. Eventually I fell into a numb sort of trance state. We remembered each other for the most part, but there was something strained about it. Yet, in other ways it was like slipping into your oldest, most comfortable jeans... they remember the curve of your body.
Here's a few pics I took from Station Square.... after that, a few words from our sponsor...
Now, here's the official word from our sponsor (that would be me in this case). One thing I realized this weekend is that I don't know what I want. I want everything. I want what I cannot have. Or perhaps what I feel I don't deserve. How does one convince themselves that they are in fact, worthy? I suppose this is rhetorical... if you really knew that answer you'd be a zillionaire. And don't misunderstand, I'm not looking for anyone to start throwing any 'atta girl's my way - I'm just thinking in text form, alright? I think fear is just going to paralyze me into doing nothing until I am too old to act on anything. Then I will look back on my life and be filled with scorn and bitter contempt. How does this happen? I'm pretty much free-spirited, outspoken, outgoing and intelligent. Yet something has invited fear to come live inside of me. I don't recall leaving the door open and sending out invitations for that. And I've even provided party hats...
While I'm at it ('it' being this thing where I admit that I'm fucking things up), I'll just add this. The person in the previous post... I think they know. When I caught on to this, I came so close to just admitting that yes, it was them. It wasn't anything terrible, you know, just awkward? Then I thought that if they don't understand (as is my fear), I'll lose a friend over what is simply the truth. I'm not ready to do that. So now I'm walking the line between, 'how honest should I be if it means that I could ultimately lose things that are so important' and 'just shut your damned mouth and let it eat away at you from the inside'. Good times, eh?
Maybe it'll just be a free for all. As I look at things a little more closely, I can see that a big part of what I am thinking at any given time comes down to either denying others or denying myself. No wonder I want to either cry or hit people all the time. If I don't find a way out of this spiraled way of thinking it is just going to completely do me in; and I mean really, how productive is that? At least I know I'm stubborn as hell - that's what will get my ass back in line again.
So that's the word from your sponsor - she's a bit crazy. Ok, run along your merry way; it's not nice to stare at the crazy people. Go. Move. NOW!
Wait... I lied. Get back here. So what if it was you?!?! I'd be terribly sorry if it would be upsetting to you, yet I can't help what my mind chooses to do once I let go of the reins. For a moment, you were one of my sweetest, most comforting feelings yet the greatest of sadnesses. That was a tough trade, a big surprise; but that's the way it is. If I had the courage I'd ask directly, but honestly... what if it was you? Would it make you think less of me? [Yes, I've talked with many people today, so I know this is vague... And I suppose that is rhetorical, I don't even know.]
Friday, October 07, 2005
Well, fancy meeting you here...
...considering you're not here and all.*
Perhaps it is the end result of excessive cold/allergy meds, the lack of quality (or any) sleep, or maybe my mind had to take a bit of a vacation of sorts.
It must've been nearing 2am when I was heading to bed; I was fending off more PC villains and planning my last minute weekend trip to Pittsburgh. I picked up my book to read and began to drift off before I had realized it then sheer stubbornness (imagine that) willed me back to the (semi) conscious so that I could read and clear my mind of my life. Little did I know what a bang up job I was about to do.
I drifted off again and for a second time, managed to come back but decided it was really time for bed. Clock set, I arranged my pillows and just looked up at the ceiling for a moment. That's when you peeked around the door. You came in talking of things that were really not pertintent to the fact that uh, you were standing in my bedroom in a tee shirt and some silly boxer shorts that I remember laughing at. You were even kind enough to let me get out all my giggles over the boxers and handled it like a trooper armed with a smile that told me you were amused over my amusement. As you waited for the flow of giggles to subside, you patiently sat on the edge of the bed. I remember telling you that I was exhausted to the point of slurring my words and even picked up my clock to show you, resting it on the bed. Your demeanor changed and I watched your features shift, taking on a sense of urgency, importance under that calm exterior. For a moment, I thought I had fallen asleep again and awoke, but you were still there. I remember saying that maybe it would be best if I just left, I just needed help calling a cab as I had no idea where I should go. You wanted me to stay right where I was as you had something you needed to talk to me about and this was the only fitting opportunity. I put on my glasses, glancing at the clock still on my bed; 2:30am. The next hour and part of the following was a bit of a blur. The touch of another can bring on many different feelings. Yours made me feel I'd melted down into the mattress; it was warm, comforting, totally surrounding me - and it was an innocent enough touch, friendly yet slightly suggestive. I don't know what you wanted to tell me. That touch threw me into a peculiar state... I sensed that it was important, almost feverishly so, but that it had to do with the both of us. Not necessarily together, so to speak, maybe it was, but you and I nonetheless. I so wanted to know what you were telling me. What you think is important to me but somehow, a fairly innocent touch and an arm around me short circuited everything. I could tell by the look in your eyes that you knew that, too. You knew that only a part of me was hearing you, the rest of me riding a wave of bliss being that near to you. Even though I missed the point, you told me that things would be fine and that we'd work everything out. It was almost 4am and, unspoken, we paralleled our bodies on the bed with you comforting me, tracing the hair as it fell on my face; me, apologizing - most likely for feeling what I was feeling at that moment. I felt so protected. Which of course, I resisted; I hate doing the dependency thing. But instead, something told me to trust for the moment and take in what I was feeling, sensing. And I did. I molded my body perfectly to yours, feeling the warmth, absolute safety and trust.
And then I woke, many hours later; glasses on, clock on the bed. Odd. It was probably the first time I've slept more than four hours straight in many, many years. I know you weren't really here, I'm not fully delusional.
But you were here last night. And I cried for your absence when I woke.
* Yes, this really did happen last night. I mean it did yet it didn't. Obviously, this person wasn't here, but I reacted as if they were... glasses on, clock on the bed, the position in which I woke up in... it's like a re-enactment. I've had this happen before (I'll have to tell you some of the funnier tidbits someday) but never like this. Never with a person and never with this much emotion. This left me elated and comforted when I awoke, for about three seconds... then I realized what had played out. A cruel trick of the mind; an injection of venomous spite directly to the heart taking away my very breath. One thing is for sure, I'll never tell this person that this was about them. It would be too difficult to explain away and it would be highly awkward if they didn't understand. Guess I'll just have to deny it to everyone... except for this post.
Perhaps it is the end result of excessive cold/allergy meds, the lack of quality (or any) sleep, or maybe my mind had to take a bit of a vacation of sorts.
It must've been nearing 2am when I was heading to bed; I was fending off more PC villains and planning my last minute weekend trip to Pittsburgh. I picked up my book to read and began to drift off before I had realized it then sheer stubbornness (imagine that) willed me back to the (semi) conscious so that I could read and clear my mind of my life. Little did I know what a bang up job I was about to do.
I drifted off again and for a second time, managed to come back but decided it was really time for bed. Clock set, I arranged my pillows and just looked up at the ceiling for a moment. That's when you peeked around the door. You came in talking of things that were really not pertintent to the fact that uh, you were standing in my bedroom in a tee shirt and some silly boxer shorts that I remember laughing at. You were even kind enough to let me get out all my giggles over the boxers and handled it like a trooper armed with a smile that told me you were amused over my amusement. As you waited for the flow of giggles to subside, you patiently sat on the edge of the bed. I remember telling you that I was exhausted to the point of slurring my words and even picked up my clock to show you, resting it on the bed. Your demeanor changed and I watched your features shift, taking on a sense of urgency, importance under that calm exterior. For a moment, I thought I had fallen asleep again and awoke, but you were still there. I remember saying that maybe it would be best if I just left, I just needed help calling a cab as I had no idea where I should go. You wanted me to stay right where I was as you had something you needed to talk to me about and this was the only fitting opportunity. I put on my glasses, glancing at the clock still on my bed; 2:30am. The next hour and part of the following was a bit of a blur. The touch of another can bring on many different feelings. Yours made me feel I'd melted down into the mattress; it was warm, comforting, totally surrounding me - and it was an innocent enough touch, friendly yet slightly suggestive. I don't know what you wanted to tell me. That touch threw me into a peculiar state... I sensed that it was important, almost feverishly so, but that it had to do with the both of us. Not necessarily together, so to speak, maybe it was, but you and I nonetheless. I so wanted to know what you were telling me. What you think is important to me but somehow, a fairly innocent touch and an arm around me short circuited everything. I could tell by the look in your eyes that you knew that, too. You knew that only a part of me was hearing you, the rest of me riding a wave of bliss being that near to you. Even though I missed the point, you told me that things would be fine and that we'd work everything out. It was almost 4am and, unspoken, we paralleled our bodies on the bed with you comforting me, tracing the hair as it fell on my face; me, apologizing - most likely for feeling what I was feeling at that moment. I felt so protected. Which of course, I resisted; I hate doing the dependency thing. But instead, something told me to trust for the moment and take in what I was feeling, sensing. And I did. I molded my body perfectly to yours, feeling the warmth, absolute safety and trust.
And then I woke, many hours later; glasses on, clock on the bed. Odd. It was probably the first time I've slept more than four hours straight in many, many years. I know you weren't really here, I'm not fully delusional.
But you were here last night. And I cried for your absence when I woke.
* Yes, this really did happen last night. I mean it did yet it didn't. Obviously, this person wasn't here, but I reacted as if they were... glasses on, clock on the bed, the position in which I woke up in... it's like a re-enactment. I've had this happen before (I'll have to tell you some of the funnier tidbits someday) but never like this. Never with a person and never with this much emotion. This left me elated and comforted when I awoke, for about three seconds... then I realized what had played out. A cruel trick of the mind; an injection of venomous spite directly to the heart taking away my very breath. One thing is for sure, I'll never tell this person that this was about them. It would be too difficult to explain away and it would be highly awkward if they didn't understand. Guess I'll just have to deny it to everyone... except for this post.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Despondently Disquieted
Having found myself mired in some rather awkward and unwanted thought processes of late, I've determined that I am despondently disquieted. Peculiar mixture. I don't like it one bit. Perhaps it has been somewhat magnified by the fact that I'm sick, but knowing the possible source does not, in any way, make it more tolerable.
I have nothing to say; nothing to offer. Not even to those I consider most dear. When we talk, I try to maintain an even keel if we are face to face. If it's over the phone or in an email, I do my best to hide it, talking through clenched jaws or tears has become commonplace. There is no way I want anyone to see this part of me; I don't have a way to explain it. Avoidance has been becoming a bit of paradise, although it still isn't perfect; after all, I'm still stuck with this flurry of thought and feeling only now it has nowhere to go.
There were a few people I was in the midst of emailing and I just dropped tha ball totally. Same as with some friends of mine locally; just dropped out of the picture one day as if I'd flipped a switch. It's almost like I feel I need to leave a distance because I fear the worst, based on my behavior. Maybe me writing this is my vague way of apologizing to the world for being such a shit at this point in time and not even knowing why. I think it's also a way to brace myself for the certain fact that people won't put up with it forever. It's unfair to ask that, or expect that, of them.
And with that... here are a few words:
Well you would've left me anyway
So I'll just bow my head
I swear you might've left me anyway
So I'll leave you instead
Be alone
Let me bow my head
Cause I'd rather be alone (Big Wreck: Under the Lighthouse)
Funny thing is that I've lived my life along those lines for so very many years. So many that I can't remember not doing it... Taking the pain of ending things yourself out of a need for control. It still hurts, you just pick the time and place. Then you spend your days wondering if you were right. Either way it becomes a mechanism of torture. You can hear that in the song (which you should try to find and listen to). When I need to feel sort of bad and self-abusive (like now, for instance), this is a perfect song to just belt out at the top of your lungs. It typically helps me free those feelings. Currently I'm wallowing in it and have no idea why it won't break. I just feel like there is nothing real, true, or right anywhere inside of me. Even though I'm often more 'real' than most are comfortable with, it's almost as if I can see it exiting my body like wisps of smoke and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
For the people I am close to (and even some general situations), I feel like I'm doing a favor by bowing out as gracefully as I possibly can before it gets really ugly. Grasping for faint tendrils of fading smoke is not only getting old, but it's ineffective AND making me melancholy, which in turn pisses me off.
So here I sit wondering why in the hell I just went on like this. Not for your entertainment. Because I need an answer before I self destruct. We all have our demons - mine are just trying to lure me out of this with free drinks and letting me get in some good target practice of sorts. I need that fucking answer.
All this being said, I may be back in a day or two with a cheerful happy-go-lucky post. You never know.
I have nothing to say; nothing to offer. Not even to those I consider most dear. When we talk, I try to maintain an even keel if we are face to face. If it's over the phone or in an email, I do my best to hide it, talking through clenched jaws or tears has become commonplace. There is no way I want anyone to see this part of me; I don't have a way to explain it. Avoidance has been becoming a bit of paradise, although it still isn't perfect; after all, I'm still stuck with this flurry of thought and feeling only now it has nowhere to go.
There were a few people I was in the midst of emailing and I just dropped tha ball totally. Same as with some friends of mine locally; just dropped out of the picture one day as if I'd flipped a switch. It's almost like I feel I need to leave a distance because I fear the worst, based on my behavior. Maybe me writing this is my vague way of apologizing to the world for being such a shit at this point in time and not even knowing why. I think it's also a way to brace myself for the certain fact that people won't put up with it forever. It's unfair to ask that, or expect that, of them.
And with that... here are a few words:
Well you would've left me anyway
So I'll just bow my head
I swear you might've left me anyway
So I'll leave you instead
Be alone
Let me bow my head
Cause I'd rather be alone (Big Wreck: Under the Lighthouse)
Funny thing is that I've lived my life along those lines for so very many years. So many that I can't remember not doing it... Taking the pain of ending things yourself out of a need for control. It still hurts, you just pick the time and place. Then you spend your days wondering if you were right. Either way it becomes a mechanism of torture. You can hear that in the song (which you should try to find and listen to). When I need to feel sort of bad and self-abusive (like now, for instance), this is a perfect song to just belt out at the top of your lungs. It typically helps me free those feelings. Currently I'm wallowing in it and have no idea why it won't break. I just feel like there is nothing real, true, or right anywhere inside of me. Even though I'm often more 'real' than most are comfortable with, it's almost as if I can see it exiting my body like wisps of smoke and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
For the people I am close to (and even some general situations), I feel like I'm doing a favor by bowing out as gracefully as I possibly can before it gets really ugly. Grasping for faint tendrils of fading smoke is not only getting old, but it's ineffective AND making me melancholy, which in turn pisses me off.
So here I sit wondering why in the hell I just went on like this. Not for your entertainment. Because I need an answer before I self destruct. We all have our demons - mine are just trying to lure me out of this with free drinks and letting me get in some good target practice of sorts. I need that fucking answer.
All this being said, I may be back in a day or two with a cheerful happy-go-lucky post. You never know.
Monday, October 03, 2005
We won't say a thing
while you give your life away...
Sunday morning I sort of woke up around four-ish and other than the fact that it was way too early, I could sense that something was in the midst of happening, even in my groggy sleep-deprived state. Unfortunately I must've been on a delay timer of sorts. I reached for my cell, garbled a barely coherent message in the direction of my mother's cell, shut the phone off, and attempted to regain my place in the hands of sleep...
Approximately eight seconds later I was crying and thinking of something that I had, only moments earlier, not realized was so close to the surface. I miss my city but what if she doesn't miss me? What if we've forgotten all the subtle nuances of the other? I'm not sure whether to say in spite of or due to better judgement, within a week or so I'll be back for a visit. My call to my mother was asking her to drive with me. I don't trust myself there alone, that's why I haven't been back in a couple of years. But my city, she's in my blood; and it was for the loss of her that I cried. I think they were tears acknowledging time that slipped away and a love that didn't.
1 Skyline, Pittsburgh, PA
2 View exiting Fort Pitt tunnel
3 PPG Place (Pittsburgh Paint & Glass)
4 View from West End Overlook
5 DL Convention Center
6 View of Point Park from the incline (used daily by commuters)
7 Built on hills means immense stairs
8 Cathedral of Learning - Pitt
9 Andrew Carnegie Library
10 Carnegie Art Museum - Statue hall
11 Phipps Conservatory
12 Benedum Center for the Arts
13 Station Square; shopping area
14 Station Square; originally a train station
15 Warhol Museum
16 Church 'restoration'; I was sick to see what they did...
17 Clayton/Frick Mansion
18 Mexican War Streets, Northside
19 Lionhead Apartment Building, Shadyside
20 Quaint house, quaint street
21 Old homes with stained and leaded glass; perfect
22 Home of Heinz! Pickles, ketchup and senators...
It's true, I'm afraid she's forgotten me. And when I go, it will be painful to realize that I've lost such a large and important part of my life. I never meant to forget, but I suppose it happens over time. I always want to return, but I'm not sure I could ever really go back. That is what I want to do after all, isn't it? Go back to a better place in time? All that may remain is an endless pull yet no actual way to ease the ache of 'what could have been'...
If anyone has really ready this far, you can visit the links to get info on anything that may have caught your eye.
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