Sometimes you miss things when you are running. Other times you discover them or see them more clearly.
No missteps.
Because that can change the meaning entirely; of course, only if you realize it. Otherwise it's like telling a killer joke to a foreign speaking audience.
There is a fine line between getting caught up in a misstep and becoming the focal point. It can be sort of comical in a Woody Allen meets Kafka sort of way.
Some cracks you'll find filled while some continue to widen. Nothing poignant there, just a simple observation.
Decisions are made and revoked, even as the dust is still settling. Something always overriding the reason that brought in that decision, pushing you back to square one. But not before you hear the music play and notice the lights dim. Again. And you hang your head.
No missteps.
The fear can paralyze you. So you push forward, more determined than before, but no idea which direction you are heading. Or you drift quietly, no more certain than before.
Some day, I must stop running. Or is that part of what makes life interesting?
No missteps. Too much hangs in the balance.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
The Golden Child
Imagine this...
You leave your house and hear a ticking coming from your car. Immediately, you have two logical (humor me here) thoughts. It could be a bomb. I mean, you do annoy and piss off an awful lot of people. Or, it could be something lodged in your tire. Two blocks later, you pull to the side of the road, either to duck for cover from the explosion or check out the invader that has latched onto your tire. Negative on both counts. You resume your drive to work listening to the ticking speed up and slow down the entire way. Once you get to work, after passing through one of the most crowded, confined streets in the city, you sail through the security gate into the designated parking lot only to find your tire half deflated with a portion of a small pipe stuck neatly dead center. Ten minutes later, it is completely flat. (And if you say, 'Well, only on one side!', I'll hit you.)
Now imagine that when you call in to work (yes, from the lot) to tell them you'll be as late as it takes for AAA to get there and put on your spare because you'd rather do it then than at midnight, a coworker comes out telling you he'll handle it, removes the soggy, metal laden tire and replaces it with your spare. He never even gets dirty. When you both walk back in, you are only 21 minutes late, have a safe ride home and most importantly, did not block half of a main thoroughfare at the beginning of rush hour therefore saving you endless hours of torture from angry natives.
I was indeed The Golden Child. I mean really, who unknowingly drives on a deflating tire and watches it go flat once they are safe in the parking lot at their destination. Thankfully me.
You leave your house and hear a ticking coming from your car. Immediately, you have two logical (humor me here) thoughts. It could be a bomb. I mean, you do annoy and piss off an awful lot of people. Or, it could be something lodged in your tire. Two blocks later, you pull to the side of the road, either to duck for cover from the explosion or check out the invader that has latched onto your tire. Negative on both counts. You resume your drive to work listening to the ticking speed up and slow down the entire way. Once you get to work, after passing through one of the most crowded, confined streets in the city, you sail through the security gate into the designated parking lot only to find your tire half deflated with a portion of a small pipe stuck neatly dead center. Ten minutes later, it is completely flat. (And if you say, 'Well, only on one side!', I'll hit you.)
Now imagine that when you call in to work (yes, from the lot) to tell them you'll be as late as it takes for AAA to get there and put on your spare because you'd rather do it then than at midnight, a coworker comes out telling you he'll handle it, removes the soggy, metal laden tire and replaces it with your spare. He never even gets dirty. When you both walk back in, you are only 21 minutes late, have a safe ride home and most importantly, did not block half of a main thoroughfare at the beginning of rush hour therefore saving you endless hours of torture from angry natives.
I was indeed The Golden Child. I mean really, who unknowingly drives on a deflating tire and watches it go flat once they are safe in the parking lot at their destination. Thankfully me.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Paper hemorrhoids
This is pointless, but I've got to get this off my chest. It's something like this that could very well be the end of my sanity so I'm playing it safe here and releasing the tension.
First, let's remember that I'm completely anal in weird ways. And no... that's not what I'm getting at now, you perv. Anyway. I can drive around in a dirty car and not care one bit. I can wear two different socks and not even notice. But the moment you leave a cap off of a pen or mix upper and lower case letters (liKe tHIs) without intention and not realize it's wrong, well, those are the things that get under my skin and torture me.
So, how can a multi-billion dollar corporation sending out standard monthly billing statements make it's way on that list? Easy. Ever so neatly tri-folded bills. Now, symmetry is great and all, don't get me wrong. But when the fold of the billing statement is so close to the perforated edge, it rips in a jagged pattern when you try to pull it apart. Gah! This means that I have to try to sit there with the skill of an expert surgeon and remove the extra parts that have torn off. If you pull too hard, it rips the remittance portion of the statement and then, then my friends, I'm really screwed. Out comes the tape and I attempt to plaster this miniscule shred of paper back on to it's rightful place. But that's only after I spend five extra minutes still trying to get it off of the perforation. Not a simple task considering it's a perforation... the word itself leads you to believe it's going to be easy. Not so. By the time I'm done, it looks as if it's gone through a shredder - right along with my nerves. Couldn't they come up with a better solution? Why is it that the little things get to us the most?
Hmmm. Perhaps I should look into online bill paying?
First, let's remember that I'm completely anal in weird ways. And no... that's not what I'm getting at now, you perv. Anyway. I can drive around in a dirty car and not care one bit. I can wear two different socks and not even notice. But the moment you leave a cap off of a pen or mix upper and lower case letters (liKe tHIs) without intention and not realize it's wrong, well, those are the things that get under my skin and torture me.
So, how can a multi-billion dollar corporation sending out standard monthly billing statements make it's way on that list? Easy. Ever so neatly tri-folded bills. Now, symmetry is great and all, don't get me wrong. But when the fold of the billing statement is so close to the perforated edge, it rips in a jagged pattern when you try to pull it apart. Gah! This means that I have to try to sit there with the skill of an expert surgeon and remove the extra parts that have torn off. If you pull too hard, it rips the remittance portion of the statement and then, then my friends, I'm really screwed. Out comes the tape and I attempt to plaster this miniscule shred of paper back on to it's rightful place. But that's only after I spend five extra minutes still trying to get it off of the perforation. Not a simple task considering it's a perforation... the word itself leads you to believe it's going to be easy. Not so. By the time I'm done, it looks as if it's gone through a shredder - right along with my nerves. Couldn't they come up with a better solution? Why is it that the little things get to us the most?
Hmmm. Perhaps I should look into online bill paying?
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Must. Have. Sleep.
So. I made it back in one piece! The rest I had hoped for? None. At all. But it was still worth it. Of course there's a good chance that the red lines in my eyes will never go away.
Isabella was very good for the ride. For the first hour she didn't move. If I accelerated or hit the brakes she just kind of rolled in the same position - kind of like a stuffed animal. After a while she got the hang of it and was fine. She sucks at conversation, though. Although as a cat, she is more skilled than some humans I know.
I stopped in to the hospital where I used to work and visited there for a while. In some ways it felt comfortable, but a part of me really felt out of place. Just the passage of time I guess. It was nice to see them again, though.
My wonderful lake and noisy seagulls were there to greet me, along with a few herons to add to the mix. I really miss that. Alot. I hate being land locked; rivers don't count.
Made it to my 'nephew's' 4th birthday party and didn't even have to up my tranquilizer dose. Came close. He's spending time with some really beastly children and it seems he's taking on some of the behavior. Blech. Even so, it was a good time. And there was a big yellow Sponge Bob cake, so how bad could it be?
My friend's grad party was pretty fun. Her family is nuts, which I've known for years. After a few drinks they are swinging around light poles. Really, they are. It was wonderful to see her reach her goal and have us all there to share in the celebration. A former co-worker went with me and he and I had the chance to catch up. Of course, I'm pretty sure he's mad at me now but I don't care. He spilled all sorts of info that I had told him that night at work the next day. Not that it was classified, but it was a private conversation. As soon as I found out, I got him on the phone and set things straight. Yeah. He was not happy with me. Oh well. Sometimes I just don't know what get's into that boy.
I almost ran into two other friends, one at each party but the timing was off. First was my friend Lisa; she and I drifted apart about a year and a half ago. We've got the others' number so hopefully we'll be able to catch up. The second was Matt. Oh boy. He comes in and out of my life every couple of years and every time it happens, I realize that I still have that schoolgirl crush that I did back in the 7th grade. But that could be an entire post on it's own.
Spent the entire day on Friday getting my Gram out to shop and run a few errands. It felt really good to have the familiarity of such simple tasks at hand and to be doing them with her. She really enjoyed my visit (and Bella's, too) and was feeling pretty depressed when it came time for us to leave. She'd really like to have me back there.
Mom was kind of busy pet-sitting but I still got to spend time with her. Not as much as I'd have liked, but sometimes schedules don't cooperate. She did, however, accompany me to another interview. Ok, well, not to the interview itself, but she drove with me because she knew where it was and I didn't. We were both tired and cranky from lack of sleep, but it was time well spent. She and I used to hop in the car and just go. Anytime, anywhere. It reminded me a little of that.
And the interview, it was a last minute thing... yes, this is a different company. Perhaps the largest hospital system in Cleveland, they wanted to interview me. So I got up at 5:45am (keep in mind that my current schedule typically sees me going to bed at 4am!), drove there, interviewed, returned to get Isabella, drove back to Pittsburgh, unloaded my things from the car, fed Bella and immediately turned right back around to go to work. Almost 6 hours on the road, an interview, and working all in one day is not something I recommend.
No, I didn't get any of the rest I'd hoped for. If anything, I'm more tired than before. But you know what? It felt good to be there. Now, how it's comparing to being back in Pittsburgh and my comparisons along the way... well, that's just as exhausting; and more than I can think about right now. For now... all I can think about is sleep.....
Isabella was very good for the ride. For the first hour she didn't move. If I accelerated or hit the brakes she just kind of rolled in the same position - kind of like a stuffed animal. After a while she got the hang of it and was fine. She sucks at conversation, though. Although as a cat, she is more skilled than some humans I know.
I stopped in to the hospital where I used to work and visited there for a while. In some ways it felt comfortable, but a part of me really felt out of place. Just the passage of time I guess. It was nice to see them again, though.
My wonderful lake and noisy seagulls were there to greet me, along with a few herons to add to the mix. I really miss that. Alot. I hate being land locked; rivers don't count.
Made it to my 'nephew's' 4th birthday party and didn't even have to up my tranquilizer dose. Came close. He's spending time with some really beastly children and it seems he's taking on some of the behavior. Blech. Even so, it was a good time. And there was a big yellow Sponge Bob cake, so how bad could it be?
My friend's grad party was pretty fun. Her family is nuts, which I've known for years. After a few drinks they are swinging around light poles. Really, they are. It was wonderful to see her reach her goal and have us all there to share in the celebration. A former co-worker went with me and he and I had the chance to catch up. Of course, I'm pretty sure he's mad at me now but I don't care. He spilled all sorts of info that I had told him that night at work the next day. Not that it was classified, but it was a private conversation. As soon as I found out, I got him on the phone and set things straight. Yeah. He was not happy with me. Oh well. Sometimes I just don't know what get's into that boy.
I almost ran into two other friends, one at each party but the timing was off. First was my friend Lisa; she and I drifted apart about a year and a half ago. We've got the others' number so hopefully we'll be able to catch up. The second was Matt. Oh boy. He comes in and out of my life every couple of years and every time it happens, I realize that I still have that schoolgirl crush that I did back in the 7th grade. But that could be an entire post on it's own.
Spent the entire day on Friday getting my Gram out to shop and run a few errands. It felt really good to have the familiarity of such simple tasks at hand and to be doing them with her. She really enjoyed my visit (and Bella's, too) and was feeling pretty depressed when it came time for us to leave. She'd really like to have me back there.
Mom was kind of busy pet-sitting but I still got to spend time with her. Not as much as I'd have liked, but sometimes schedules don't cooperate. She did, however, accompany me to another interview. Ok, well, not to the interview itself, but she drove with me because she knew where it was and I didn't. We were both tired and cranky from lack of sleep, but it was time well spent. She and I used to hop in the car and just go. Anytime, anywhere. It reminded me a little of that.
And the interview, it was a last minute thing... yes, this is a different company. Perhaps the largest hospital system in Cleveland, they wanted to interview me. So I got up at 5:45am (keep in mind that my current schedule typically sees me going to bed at 4am!), drove there, interviewed, returned to get Isabella, drove back to Pittsburgh, unloaded my things from the car, fed Bella and immediately turned right back around to go to work. Almost 6 hours on the road, an interview, and working all in one day is not something I recommend.
No, I didn't get any of the rest I'd hoped for. If anything, I'm more tired than before. But you know what? It felt good to be there. Now, how it's comparing to being back in Pittsburgh and my comparisons along the way... well, that's just as exhausting; and more than I can think about right now. For now... all I can think about is sleep.....
Thursday, May 18, 2006
School is out!
I feel like it's the last day of school before summer vacation. Why? I'm off work Thursday and Friday, plus the weekend! Well hot damn and hallelujah!!! I'm not even unpacked from the weekend and I'm off to Ohio again, well... in about 10 hours or so. I haven't finished packing, organizing, or doing any sort of cleaning up around here and my ISP folks are slated to show up some time between 8am and noon to fix a problem. Oh yeah. I didn't count sleep in there yet either, did I? You know what they say... I'll get all the rest I need when I'm dead.
For now, I'm off to cram six hours of things I need to do into about an hour and a half and try to get a few hours of sleep (depending on when the ISP people get here), then load everything into my car before I take off on another three hour drive with my cat in tow. Well golly, this sounds like such fun. Ahem.
Once I get there, I'm going to stop in at the hospital I used to work at for a quick visit, do a few things for my Gram (just like 'old times'), go to my 'nephew's' fourth birthday party [note to self: take extra Excedrin and sedatives], and attend my friend's college graduation party. There are a few other things in the works, but we'll see what happens. I'd like to just get some time to relax, too, if possible.
Catching up on blogs after my mini-getaway should be interesting. It's kind of fun to see how much can change for everyone in just a few days! Ok... off to do all the stuff I should have done before.
For now, I'm off to cram six hours of things I need to do into about an hour and a half and try to get a few hours of sleep (depending on when the ISP people get here), then load everything into my car before I take off on another three hour drive with my cat in tow. Well golly, this sounds like such fun. Ahem.
Once I get there, I'm going to stop in at the hospital I used to work at for a quick visit, do a few things for my Gram (just like 'old times'), go to my 'nephew's' fourth birthday party [note to self: take extra Excedrin and sedatives], and attend my friend's college graduation party. There are a few other things in the works, but we'll see what happens. I'd like to just get some time to relax, too, if possible.
Catching up on blogs after my mini-getaway should be interesting. It's kind of fun to see how much can change for everyone in just a few days! Ok... off to do all the stuff I should have done before.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Steady as she goes
So...
I went on my little trip for my 'get acquainted meeting' and made it back to Pittsburgh with precisely one hour to spare before having to turn around and go back to work. No names mentioned, but someone's ass is surely dragging! I'm actually writing this before work because if I don't do something, I'll fall asleep. When I get home, I'll be so tired I'd be making less sense than usual so the post would be pointless.
The meeting was good and 90 minutes long. They like me and my interviewer said she had no doubt that I would do well in the position. Nothing has been offered, but if it were to be, I would most likely be looking at a minimum of four to six weeks in the future. I would be the person with the most hands on pharmaceutical experience in the department. Ok, the ONLY one with hands on experience. The rest are chemists and such but they don't have the practical use of it that I do, which is cool.
I'm not jumping up and down just yet, though. Even if there is an offer, I've got alot of thinking to do. It involves all those crappy things like ethics and morals. Simply put, without stating too much, my job would be the last step before another phase begins. I have reservations about said phase. The person in this position would occasionally be directly involved in this phase as well depending on staffing and if a huge drug trial deadline has to be met. Not really what I wanted to hear, but I was kind of afraid I would. And I did.
Other than that, it was great. I'm glad I took the time to go; the place is amazing! Maybe I'll hear back from them in the future once they get things settled.
I just don't want to have to crush up mouse thighs (which is something entirely different) in the name of science. Thankfully, I think it's someone else's job. That's just gross.
I went on my little trip for my 'get acquainted meeting' and made it back to Pittsburgh with precisely one hour to spare before having to turn around and go back to work. No names mentioned, but someone's ass is surely dragging! I'm actually writing this before work because if I don't do something, I'll fall asleep. When I get home, I'll be so tired I'd be making less sense than usual so the post would be pointless.
The meeting was good and 90 minutes long. They like me and my interviewer said she had no doubt that I would do well in the position. Nothing has been offered, but if it were to be, I would most likely be looking at a minimum of four to six weeks in the future. I would be the person with the most hands on pharmaceutical experience in the department. Ok, the ONLY one with hands on experience. The rest are chemists and such but they don't have the practical use of it that I do, which is cool.
I'm not jumping up and down just yet, though. Even if there is an offer, I've got alot of thinking to do. It involves all those crappy things like ethics and morals. Simply put, without stating too much, my job would be the last step before another phase begins. I have reservations about said phase. The person in this position would occasionally be directly involved in this phase as well depending on staffing and if a huge drug trial deadline has to be met. Not really what I wanted to hear, but I was kind of afraid I would. And I did.
Other than that, it was great. I'm glad I took the time to go; the place is amazing! Maybe I'll hear back from them in the future once they get things settled.
I just don't want to have to crush up mouse thighs (which is something entirely different) in the name of science. Thankfully, I think it's someone else's job. That's just gross.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
The road to hell and the scenery along the way
Although the aforementioned ring of fire still has a grip on me, I have a better grip on some kick ass antibiotics; I remain hopeful. Burning, but hopeful.
But here's the thing. The past couple of days I had a new idea come to me regarding my dilemma to go or stay. I was starting to think of it seriously and then out of nowhere, *wham*, I got checked into the boards by another possibility. A company that I have been eyeing for years wants to talk to me. Nothing official, I guess they just want to meet and see if I'm a raging jackass or something first. There is the possibility of a big downside, but I don't know enough to write about it yet, so I won't. Come Monday, we'll meet and I'll know more. I'm excited, but don't want to get my hopes up considering it's nothing official. They call it a 'get acquainted meeting'.... uh, yeeeaah. But you should see this place! If things go well, I'll include the link. It's fascinating just to look at the site (the company itself is on 43 acres!), but for any of you medical-sciencey-nerdy types... you'll absolutely love it! It's like a modern mad scientist's laboratory!
For now I shall bide my time. I really didn't see this one coming. And besides, I shouldn't worry; if I put my mind to it, I can charm the pants off anyone! =)
Note to self... leave Tourette's-like verbal outbursts in the car when you go in...
But here's the thing. The past couple of days I had a new idea come to me regarding my dilemma to go or stay. I was starting to think of it seriously and then out of nowhere, *wham*, I got checked into the boards by another possibility. A company that I have been eyeing for years wants to talk to me. Nothing official, I guess they just want to meet and see if I'm a raging jackass or something first. There is the possibility of a big downside, but I don't know enough to write about it yet, so I won't. Come Monday, we'll meet and I'll know more. I'm excited, but don't want to get my hopes up considering it's nothing official. They call it a 'get acquainted meeting'.... uh, yeeeaah. But you should see this place! If things go well, I'll include the link. It's fascinating just to look at the site (the company itself is on 43 acres!), but for any of you medical-sciencey-nerdy types... you'll absolutely love it! It's like a modern mad scientist's laboratory!
For now I shall bide my time. I really didn't see this one coming. And besides, I shouldn't worry; if I put my mind to it, I can charm the pants off anyone! =)
Note to self... leave Tourette's-like verbal outbursts in the car when you go in...
Monday, May 08, 2006
And it burns, burns, burns...
... the ring of fire.
Or in my case.... the stream of urine. (So much for a tribute to a legend, eh?)
From time to time, I know I tell you all too much and you probably feel like scrubbing your brain with bleach afterward. This will be one of those times.
Here's the brief version....
Just minding my own business, time to pee... AAAHHHH. Blood? Blood?! Lovely. And it does burn, burn, burn. And sorta itch. Hmm. This can't be good. (Reaching into memory banks) Oh yes, of course; it's a UTI! Well, hello old friend. How've you been? Yeah, yeah, now will you kindly release your infectious little grip of my crotch thank you very much?!!?
The hematuria portion is unnerving but I've got a history of occasional unexplained hematuria so it's not like I think I'm dying or something. Eh, suppose I could be, but at least I don't think I am... that's the important part, right?
So, here's my treatment plan. Ready? I'm stealing antibiotics from work. After all, they're the ones who've kept me so damned busy I literally didn't have the time to pee, so I consider them directly responsible for bringing on this urinary infection from the depths of hell. Even so, thank goodness it's just the inexpensive antibiotics; I'd probably feel too guilty to take the expensive ones. Besides, with no one working, I'd never get time away to see a doctor... they owe me this one.
If I've ever expressed the desire for 'fire in my loins'... remind me to be a little more specific next time, will ya'?
Or in my case.... the stream of urine. (So much for a tribute to a legend, eh?)
From time to time, I know I tell you all too much and you probably feel like scrubbing your brain with bleach afterward. This will be one of those times.
Here's the brief version....
Just minding my own business, time to pee... AAAHHHH. Blood? Blood?! Lovely. And it does burn, burn, burn. And sorta itch. Hmm. This can't be good. (Reaching into memory banks) Oh yes, of course; it's a UTI! Well, hello old friend. How've you been? Yeah, yeah, now will you kindly release your infectious little grip of my crotch thank you very much?!!?
The hematuria portion is unnerving but I've got a history of occasional unexplained hematuria so it's not like I think I'm dying or something. Eh, suppose I could be, but at least I don't think I am... that's the important part, right?
So, here's my treatment plan. Ready? I'm stealing antibiotics from work. After all, they're the ones who've kept me so damned busy I literally didn't have the time to pee, so I consider them directly responsible for bringing on this urinary infection from the depths of hell. Even so, thank goodness it's just the inexpensive antibiotics; I'd probably feel too guilty to take the expensive ones. Besides, with no one working, I'd never get time away to see a doctor... they owe me this one.
If I've ever expressed the desire for 'fire in my loins'... remind me to be a little more specific next time, will ya'?
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb...
So. It's come to this - drunken blogging. Eh, probably won't be any different than my usual crap. I've decided that drinking will even me out tonight, which is probably one of the dumbest things I could conclude, but fuck it, I'm not really a model of reliability and stable decisions at the moment.
I'm trying to hold it together, but the strangest thing has happened. I know from past experiences that it's a dangerous thing, too. The past few days I've been just walking around crying... at work, the store, driving, you name it. Basically, a total fucking wreck. As of last night, I lost the ability to cry, although I feel it. It's like having a sneeze lying in wait that just won't come. There's not a damn thing you can do about it. I'm even trying to bring it on, so I can let some of this tension go, but I can't. What the fuck?! This is not good. I know that I am literally like a bomb at this point.
So, what's thrown me into such a tizzy? (Sorry, I just think the word 'tizzy' is funny. Don't make fun of my use of it or I'll kick your ass. I mean it. I'll hunt you down...=)) It was soooo 'The LIveWiRe Show' at work tonight... and... this is the best... I've been approached again about playing henchman regarding another employee. It's like they are trying to bring me into their inner circle and it's creeping me out. I'm not comfortable with their methods. Imagine a train derailment and apply it to the workplace... that says it all. If I fuck over the other person over a barrel, I'm safe, although I'm short another staff member. If I help them, I'm fucked. What a great position to be in. I won't even go into the pressure being put on me as the only employee responsible for everything on my shift.
Speaking of being fucked and great positions... I've sort of been developing a crush on this guy. But after a conversation tonight, I've decided either he's clueless or I'm an idiot. Maybe both. We flirt alot and get along very well, but I just think banging my head on a wall would be more productive. Ah, fuck that, too... apparently celibacy is where it's at. ARGH! What the hell?! We're a good match, but I have just lost all desire to push the issue. Mind you, I've not lost interest in him, but I'll suffer in silence. It's what I'm good at.
Tonight on the way home, there was an accident and therefore, a detour. Because of the terrain here and all the rivers, etc. - I only know one fucking way to get home! Navigating this city is not an easy task on a good day or with sunlight let alone in the middle of the night with a ton of dumb ass people leaving the clubs. I managed to make it over one river, into the heart of the city, onto roads I've not been on in ages, and back over another river. Friday night is not a good time for detours; especially after conversations with clueless men you have a crush on. Pissed me off, I tell you. But yes, I still had the sense to hope the people in the accident were ok.
And just to add to it all, I have one week to let my landlords know if I'm renewing my lease or leaving. If I stay, I'm dumb. I mean, I like my apartment, but my neighborhood blows dirty ass. The bigger problem is whether I'm leaving this city or not. I should do that; it's not been good. But now, within the past week, I've been wondering if I should stay or go. Leaving it all is the sane way to go... so why can't I make that decision and stick with it comfortably?! Is it because my sanity itself is questionable?
So here I sit, rambling on, with a blood alcohol level that would make a certain Kennedy envious. Somehow, after a few days of feeling everything, I'm now feeling next to nothing. I need to feel something to make my decisions, but I can't. Well, I'm feeling it, I just can't get it out and it's just building to dangerous levels. I'm fucked aren't I? I feel like I should just bend over and grab my ankles and let life get me up the ass. I mean, it's all going to explode when I least expect it, of that I'm sure.
I swear to shake it up if you swear to listen... do those words mean anything to you? If not, check out this link and listen to the first song called 'The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage'. A little different from my usual, but for some reason I can't shake it - catchy little bugger. Besides, that's one of the best titles I've heard in a long while. I love it. Actually, it's the only thing I love right now.
Oh yeah... disclaimer thingy.... more adult language than usual and stuff. Now go listen to the damned song.
I'm trying to hold it together, but the strangest thing has happened. I know from past experiences that it's a dangerous thing, too. The past few days I've been just walking around crying... at work, the store, driving, you name it. Basically, a total fucking wreck. As of last night, I lost the ability to cry, although I feel it. It's like having a sneeze lying in wait that just won't come. There's not a damn thing you can do about it. I'm even trying to bring it on, so I can let some of this tension go, but I can't. What the fuck?! This is not good. I know that I am literally like a bomb at this point.
So, what's thrown me into such a tizzy? (Sorry, I just think the word 'tizzy' is funny. Don't make fun of my use of it or I'll kick your ass. I mean it. I'll hunt you down...=)) It was soooo 'The LIveWiRe Show' at work tonight... and... this is the best... I've been approached again about playing henchman regarding another employee. It's like they are trying to bring me into their inner circle and it's creeping me out. I'm not comfortable with their methods. Imagine a train derailment and apply it to the workplace... that says it all. If I fuck over the other person over a barrel, I'm safe, although I'm short another staff member. If I help them, I'm fucked. What a great position to be in. I won't even go into the pressure being put on me as the only employee responsible for everything on my shift.
Speaking of being fucked and great positions... I've sort of been developing a crush on this guy. But after a conversation tonight, I've decided either he's clueless or I'm an idiot. Maybe both. We flirt alot and get along very well, but I just think banging my head on a wall would be more productive. Ah, fuck that, too... apparently celibacy is where it's at. ARGH! What the hell?! We're a good match, but I have just lost all desire to push the issue. Mind you, I've not lost interest in him, but I'll suffer in silence. It's what I'm good at.
Tonight on the way home, there was an accident and therefore, a detour. Because of the terrain here and all the rivers, etc. - I only know one fucking way to get home! Navigating this city is not an easy task on a good day or with sunlight let alone in the middle of the night with a ton of dumb ass people leaving the clubs. I managed to make it over one river, into the heart of the city, onto roads I've not been on in ages, and back over another river. Friday night is not a good time for detours; especially after conversations with clueless men you have a crush on. Pissed me off, I tell you. But yes, I still had the sense to hope the people in the accident were ok.
And just to add to it all, I have one week to let my landlords know if I'm renewing my lease or leaving. If I stay, I'm dumb. I mean, I like my apartment, but my neighborhood blows dirty ass. The bigger problem is whether I'm leaving this city or not. I should do that; it's not been good. But now, within the past week, I've been wondering if I should stay or go. Leaving it all is the sane way to go... so why can't I make that decision and stick with it comfortably?! Is it because my sanity itself is questionable?
So here I sit, rambling on, with a blood alcohol level that would make a certain Kennedy envious. Somehow, after a few days of feeling everything, I'm now feeling next to nothing. I need to feel something to make my decisions, but I can't. Well, I'm feeling it, I just can't get it out and it's just building to dangerous levels. I'm fucked aren't I? I feel like I should just bend over and grab my ankles and let life get me up the ass. I mean, it's all going to explode when I least expect it, of that I'm sure.
I swear to shake it up if you swear to listen... do those words mean anything to you? If not, check out this link and listen to the first song called 'The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage'. A little different from my usual, but for some reason I can't shake it - catchy little bugger. Besides, that's one of the best titles I've heard in a long while. I love it. Actually, it's the only thing I love right now.
Oh yeah... disclaimer thingy.... more adult language than usual and stuff. Now go listen to the damned song.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Double Whammy!
I'm ignoring the fact that I'm falling apart in most respects to bring you this little newsflash. Ok, well two newsflashes...
doot doot doooot, doot doot doot, doot doot doooot.....
(uh, that was my version of a news bulletin sound...)
Amazingly, I will be crossing the 20,000 threshold on my site counter here. Wow, you people are apparently crazier than I am to keep coming back... =) In all seriousness though, I appreciate each and every one of you; you've helped to keep me just this side of sane. Hey... no smart ass comments!
More importantly... I have crossed the 100 pound (45.5 kg) mark in my weight loss adventure. Ok, so it's only by one pound, but if you'd have asked me whether I could get this far a year and a half ago, I'd have laughed in your face. Or monitor, you know what I mean. I'm still convinced that every scale is wrong and that someone has replaced my clothes with lookalikes in my old size but sewn in new tags. It still hasn't sunk in. I still have a ways to go, but for the first time in my life, I don't doubt for a minute that I can do it. To think I did it all on my own is a damn good feeling. Then again, I never take the easy way, do I?
Encapsulated, my life is going down the tubes - I just have a smaller tube and lots of bloggers visiting to watch it happen...lol.
doot doot doooot, doot doot doot, doot doot doooot.....
(uh, that was my version of a news bulletin sound...)
Amazingly, I will be crossing the 20,000 threshold on my site counter here. Wow, you people are apparently crazier than I am to keep coming back... =) In all seriousness though, I appreciate each and every one of you; you've helped to keep me just this side of sane. Hey... no smart ass comments!
More importantly... I have crossed the 100 pound (45.5 kg) mark in my weight loss adventure. Ok, so it's only by one pound, but if you'd have asked me whether I could get this far a year and a half ago, I'd have laughed in your face. Or monitor, you know what I mean. I'm still convinced that every scale is wrong and that someone has replaced my clothes with lookalikes in my old size but sewn in new tags. It still hasn't sunk in. I still have a ways to go, but for the first time in my life, I don't doubt for a minute that I can do it. To think I did it all on my own is a damn good feeling. Then again, I never take the easy way, do I?
Encapsulated, my life is going down the tubes - I just have a smaller tube and lots of bloggers visiting to watch it happen...lol.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
It would seem that I am 'it'.
In the never ending but always interesting game of blog tag, I have been chosen as a recent 'taggee' by Whatalotoffun! Let's see what I can come up with, shall we?
Four jobs I've had:
Holiday Gift Wrapper
Veterinary Technician
Background Investigator
Ice Cream Scooper (In which I wore a sunny yellow and orange polyester get up complete with apron and sun visor.... sun visor... and it was indoors!)
Four films I watch over and over:
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Edward Scissorhands
Everafter
Heartbreakers
Four places I've lived:
Technically, my answer should be, "Everywhere that I wasn't dead.".... But I've moved 40 times, all between Ohio and Pennsylvania. And one brief stint in Denver, CO.
Four TV shows I love:
I don't watch TV much due to my schedule but prior to that...
House
Will & Grace
South Park
Discovery Channel stuff
Five places I've been on vacation:
Europe (Belgium, Switzerland, Holland and Germany)
Caribbean (No, I didn't see any pirates resembling Johnny Depp)
British Columbia, CAN/Seattle, WA/Portland, OR
Sanibel Island, FL
Bar Harbor, ME
Four websites I visit often:
In addition to all of you guys, which I check as often as I can;
Stuff on My Cat
MBlog - Matthew Good
Otherwise I just go where I feel like going. My memory is too bad to remember to check a bunch of sites.
Four of my favorite foods:
Iced Mocha Frappuccinos
Iced Mocha Frappuccinos
Iced Mocha Frappuccinos
Flamin' Hot Cheetos (Heehee... I believe in diversity.)
Four places I'd rather be now:
In bed
On vacation
Meeting the love of my life
Hey... how about in bed, on vacation with the love of my life?!
People I'm tagging:
None... it's hard to choose, so I'll let you fight it out amongst yourselves. =)
Four jobs I've had:
Holiday Gift Wrapper
Veterinary Technician
Background Investigator
Ice Cream Scooper (In which I wore a sunny yellow and orange polyester get up complete with apron and sun visor.... sun visor... and it was indoors!)
Four films I watch over and over:
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Edward Scissorhands
Everafter
Heartbreakers
Four places I've lived:
Technically, my answer should be, "Everywhere that I wasn't dead.".... But I've moved 40 times, all between Ohio and Pennsylvania. And one brief stint in Denver, CO.
Four TV shows I love:
I don't watch TV much due to my schedule but prior to that...
House
Will & Grace
South Park
Discovery Channel stuff
Five places I've been on vacation:
Europe (Belgium, Switzerland, Holland and Germany)
Caribbean (No, I didn't see any pirates resembling Johnny Depp)
British Columbia, CAN/Seattle, WA/Portland, OR
Sanibel Island, FL
Bar Harbor, ME
Four websites I visit often:
In addition to all of you guys, which I check as often as I can;
Stuff on My Cat
MBlog - Matthew Good
Otherwise I just go where I feel like going. My memory is too bad to remember to check a bunch of sites.
Four of my favorite foods:
Iced Mocha Frappuccinos
Iced Mocha Frappuccinos
Iced Mocha Frappuccinos
Flamin' Hot Cheetos (Heehee... I believe in diversity.)
Four places I'd rather be now:
In bed
On vacation
Meeting the love of my life
Hey... how about in bed, on vacation with the love of my life?!
People I'm tagging:
None... it's hard to choose, so I'll let you fight it out amongst yourselves. =)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)