Could my eyelids cover what I did?

Twofold. The reason for the title, I mean. Personally I think it's one of the best lines from a Buffalo Tom '98 release called Sodajerk. You know me and my love of semi-obscure 90s music. Anyway - that is on heavy rotation. Oddly with Paramour and SilverSun Pickups. But I digress. I've been looking for that song for years but I refuse to pay for a download lest I end up homeless.

Unfortunately that line is just killing me right now and kicking up the guilt level to new heights. I am one of the few people you will ever hear profess this in your entire life. I guarantee it. The rodents wanted to take over and my no-kill methods were not effective. We had bait traps set today by a professional and I am literally sick. The drug will lead to an internal hemmorhage ending in death. And it will be my doing. Then, if they make it outside (which they should as the drug makes them seek water), anything that might eat them will also most likely die. Christ on a bike... I'm a fucking killer. I don't want to go to bed because if I hear them, I'll know they are on their way to dying. So I sit here downloading songs with headphones on full blast, fighting back tears - which sucks because my typing needs visual aid, dig?

Don't misunderstand - if one ran over my foot I'd scream like a sissy and try to beat it with my keyboard out of shock. Somehow this is all different. Genocide usually is. Yes, yes - I know it was them or me but I just never liked these methods. Barring the fact that these rats (Norwegian browns /blacks in some areas) were responsible for the plague - I feel exceedingly guilty. My chest hurts, I think I'll lose it if I hear one and to be honest, I'd rather plunge a blade in my own flesh as a trade. Perhaps to show remorse.

I'm really not handling this well, am I?

Do you see what I see

So. I just got home. Drove to Pittsburgh Sunday and returned Monday. I did want to stay longer and I suppose I was surprised by how comfortable it felt. I forget so much yet it seems to all come back to me when I'm there. The process of revitalizing the city continues by leaps and bounds which is spectacular for a city that was one of the filthiest only a few decades ago. Of course I'd go back. And of course then in a year or two I'd want to be back here by the lake. Unless I live on the river; which I couldn't afford to. Unless I change something drastically. Which I have to do anyway as I am immensely unhappy. The difference this time is that I can see it all for what it is. No blame, fingerpointing or whining. I may not have the answers but I've accepted that the questions are no longer important if you only let them get in the way. So you go by your gut and you strive for a way to continually evolve.

I'll be around in a couple of days; have to unpack before bed. And unwind. I need some time to make sure I'm seeing what I think I see.