Sunday, September 19, 2010
A lesson learned. Sort of.
It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am shutting off my feelings, distancing myself from real human interaction and staying in my head more. If you understood the extent, you might be surprised. I can play the game but in my mind, things always stop short. Because I make them. I wasn't always like this. Sometimes it serves it's purpose though. If I were to let out what I've pent up for so long, I'm rather sure it would be my complete undoing. For now, emotional shutdown is a really good option. That's all.
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7 comments:
i am sad for you. and i worry about you. i think you're an amazing, strong, caring person and i'm sorry that you have all this shit to deal with. it's not fair. wish i could give you a hug and make it all better. xoxo.
A few posts back you talked about being sick with lithium toxicity, and weaning yourself off it. Could that be playing a part in your emotional shutdown?
That aside, I know what you mean. (You should read my journal from this morning.)
Sometimes it seems that is the only way to cope. Don't go too far away... we're kind of fond of you here.
What kate & Terri said.
I have this image of you in a swirling vortex of space, with stars and lights spiralling out in clouds of space dust and you as the nucleus. Probably sounds poncey, either that or I've been watching Wonders of the Solar System a bit too much.
Take care.
A special thanks to you guys. You've never treated me like some sort of pariah during all my ups and downs. I always appreciate you words, thoughts, support.
Kate - I am sad for me too. I wish I didn't feel what I do, but it's there. Perhaps I'm just trying to save what's left. Laughter is still there, it just gets reeled in before I let myself believe in it anymore. There's a heaviness. (Next time, take me to Scotland and I'll be happier...haha.) Thank you, truly.
Terri - Yes! This is a huge possibility. Other than all the crap that I seem to get to deal with (seriously, it's just everything), I think the whole lithium issue is playing a huge role. I reached an OD level, then was taken off, and now reintroduced at half the dose. With no monitoring other than the direction on how to take it. Can't find a doc and even Dr. Sadist is unavailable for at least 5 more weeks. What I'm describing is what I'd consider my part of 'depression' without (or too little) lithium. It's what I really feel, just an extreme. I do mania far better than depression. You and I have had some similar cycles, so I'll be thinking the best for you as well. Thank you so much!
Ginger - Ah - that is sort of what I feel like, too! I can see everything, it's just skewed or out of reach. Nothing is attainable, I just watch everything pass by. I'd better not watch that then or I'll change my name badge at work to refect my galaxy name. Thank you!
Dear heart--again, I am here, or off in the solar system and galaxies somewhere, and I care though there is so little I can say.
It rains a lot in Scotland you know! I'm much closer to scotland than I am London, and share in their sogginess.
Just out of curiousity what would your galaxy name be (mine would be Amalthea, but i think she already exists as a moon, as well as the goddess who nursed Zeus. Oh well)
Jarvenpa - Thank you, just for the simple act of being there.
Ginger - Hmmm, I may have to give that some thought. I might put up a suggestion box!
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