Last night, I met my first known murderer. I did not know this at the time but found out shortly thereafter. I'd seen him the night before and when he saw me, he seemed to get even more agitated. (I DO bring that out in people...) But as I was on the psych ward, that isn't uncommon - patients begin to have a comfort zone and when people they aren't familiar with come in, they tend to get their hackles up - it's something new being thrown at them. I get it. I respect it.
But last night he made a beeline for me. Stopped short a foot of me and it began, this broken semi-lucid nonsensical truth. I knew I was dealing with the one sort of person that scares me most - an unmedicated (or undermedicated) schizophrenic. No answer you have is right. They literally hear what they will, visual and auditory hallucinations override reality. All sensory perceptions are off. It is the disorder, not the person. Nonetheless, they frighten me. I answered him very carefully because I sensed this was the issue - I had no idea who he was or why he was there. It is simply my job to go up and provide medications for the patients, not to judge them.
When I went back up to the floor, he got agitated again. It could be anyone or it could be that I remind him of someone. He was asking if he could have someting to cut his fingers off and leave them on the counter. Loudly - he wanted me to hear. He tries to get my attention.
I knew he was a danger but I figured it was aggression/unpredictablity - I had two sizeable men (staff) on either side of me and that was a tip off. One escorted me out. I learned that this patient had just murdered someone in front of a child. When he leaves the hospital, he goes to the court and will be sent to one facility or another. I didn't want details. I didn't care. His own doctor broke down and sobbed after explaining this to the patient. The patient really doesn't have full comprehension of what happened. He is 31 years old.
My heart breaks for him, because he could not get the help he needed. Schizophrenia is no joke. Read up on it. And now someone has died. Been murdered, in front of a child that will live with that every day. Sometimes, I really think I need to get out of this field.
5 comments:
No words right now, just a strong hug. Or a friend standing close, if that's better.
Jarvenpa - Thank you, so much. I can't shake the feeling that HE needs the hug. A breakdown in the system, we hear about it all the time... I just happened to meet with a part of that breakdown. Somewhere, he was failed. This is the result. Thank you.
I have only once been into a place housing people with mental problems (no I wasn't a patient...)
It freaked me out completely. I don't know how you do it.
Terri - For the most part, I don't freak. I'm only up there sometimes and the majority are people just like me; high functioning but that hit a bump in the road and got thrown off course. Some are not, though. Some are so broken that there is no fixing them, only an attempt at keeping them where they are. It is a difficult thing to witness, so I fully understand your view. This was one of the scariest moments (for my safety) and also one of the saddest things I've seen. I think the simple fact that these are some of society's 'throwaways' bothers me more than I care to admit. Remember, I'm always rooting for the underdog. Tough scene, sometimes.
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