Still among the living...

... I'd say that's a good start.

Yes, I'm still struggling but it's about 30% better than it was at it's worst point. I appreciate everyone's comments, thoughts, and emails. Yes, it's been really tough (that actually doesn't even begin to cover it) but barring any unforeseen circumstances, I'll make it through. Heh - and this IS me on meds...lol.

Job update: I think I like my two night pharmacists. They have something fun about them and it fits in with what I like to be around and what I am like (er, mostly). Having a bit of training which should wrap up tomorrow. It's not ongoing; it's the I'll-show-you-once variety but that's ok. Still looking, or should I say listening, for my Nigerian and South African doctors. There has to be at least ONE for God's sake... remember my Nigerian Pulmonologist from the other hospital? *sigh*

Lots for me to accomplish in the next few days and I need to get my head on straight so I may be visiting sporadically.

My wish for you all: May you end 2005 on a bright note and may 2006 bring you all that you hold dear.

Duality (A sort of follow up)

This post may appear extremely long, but the content is limited. I'm still struggling and trying to work through this but I thought of something I can do to give an example of what I'm feeling through some music and lyrics (for those of you that are unfamiliar with what a bipolar mixed episode feels like). Combine this with my last post - it's the best I can do.

This one covers the mania, panic, confusion... it's called Duality (how fitting). I could not find the audio version in it's entirety but a video instead. Change the player settings if you need to but be warned... the band wears horrendous masks so I'll put the lyrics first then you can go to the link. It's worth it to hear and read it together. I'm not a big fan but this one, I like. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Duality
Slipknot

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Uplifting, eh? Ok, here's the link so you can listen and see... go...


So the next part is the sorrow and loss feelings thanks to the depression end of it. There is only one song that I can think of that can absolutely bring me to my knees; partially because of the deep sorrow and partially because of the hope entwined in it. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the song in it's entirety, just a short sample. If you heard the whole thing, you'd understand. I'm adding a link to the band because they are fabulous, have an excellent sound with an interesting middle eastern flair and his voice is incredibly unique. Again, read the lyrics... this one is much easier on the ears (and eyes if you go to their site).

The Messenger
The Tea Party

Got a letter from a messenger
I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded
You were bound and chained
You had loved and you were handled
You were poisoned, you were pained
Oh no Oh no
You were naked, you were shamed

You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there's so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no Oh no
Not expecting to collide

For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no there's no need to be without

If there's a chance I would take it
This desire I can't kill
Take my heart please don't break it
I will crawl to your foothill
I'm frightened but I'm coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill

Just scroll down to the sample section, it's number 6; and here is the band's site. They have an exquisite site and samples play from the time you connect.


I hope you enjoy the Tea Party track but both give you an idea of what is going on in my head at the same time, fighting for the same space and devouring my neurotransmitters like Pez. Duality says it all.

Stranger in a Strange Land

Well folks, LiVEwiRe is not in a good place. Being the holidays and all, I'm putting this little disclaimer right here at the top so that you may choose whether or not to read any further. As I've said at times, this isn't going to be pretty...

First, I'll say that I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I do know that I need an outlet and this is my chosen method. Perhaps this is all the result of a mixed episode but that makes it no less real. When I was heading into this move it all came about so fast and started to push me into a manic phase. Christ, I'm so out of sorts that my hands are shaking to the point of making typing nearly impossible. So, yeah, it was pretty much hypomania but noticeable nonetheless. Then I was concentrating on getting the house in order and just making it to the first day of work while keeping my wits about me. The past two days have been increasingly unsettling and it continues to escalate. There is a nasty, vile, potentially harmful combination of mania and depression crushing me, taunting me, and there is nothing else that quite has this feeling as a mixed episode. Unfortunately it is a blend of depression, sorrow, anger, confusion and a few other things thrown in that I won't even get into.

I'd bust open the bottle of brandy that I received as a gift but I don't think I'd stop with a reasonable amount. I'd sit and chain smoke the pack of cigarettes I went out to buy today just for this reason but I'm too lazy to stand outside that long and refuse to stink up my house with the residue of an entire pack in a few hours time. Tears are splashing on my glasses and there is no point in cleaning them because the cycle only repeats.

Trying to distract myself I put on the TV and found one of my favorite movies. Good, you say? Not so much; it was Edward Scissorhands. I cry like a sissy at the end of that movie every single time. I think right now I am identifying with Eddie a bit more than I'd like to and of course ended up sobbing. There go the glasses again.

Part of me is missing my family and all things familiar. I look outside and can no longer hear the seagulls nor watch them hovering in mid air. When I look out, I expect to see the lake, to hear it's gentle waves late at night when all else is quiet. That, too, is not there. Nothing here is familiar, even though it is. I know this place, despite it's changes over the years; we are not strangers yet everything is making me feel like one.

All of these feelings are normal, I'm sure, yet my filter isn't working. Too much of it is coming through. My reactions are nowhere near normal. It's like taking the worst PMS, multiplying it times eight, adding several espressos, and carrying the burdens of the world after being deprived of sleep for two weeks. And there is no way out of it; I just have to ride it out. The best I can hope for is that this time it's brief and shows some sort of mercy. The toll it all takes is exhausting. There are no rational responses, no reliable accounts of anything. I question others motives and my reactions to them. It is the thing that can break relationships and sever ties. I push others away so they don't see it or feel the wrath. Then of course I'm left alone and it compounds the issue.

And how does one miss things they've never had? Is that possible? I find myself grieving these things and I have no right to. It's like I don't fucking make one bit of sense right now. Part of me cares about that. Another part of me just says to give in.

And now the movie Ever After is on... just another thing to make me sit here in variations from tears to sobbing fits. I suppose a part of me is always a sucker for a happy ending. I'm not sure if I believe in those anymore and I'm tired of trying to make it happen. Maybe the tears are for the character in the movie or maybe they are for me.

At least I work tomorrow and will have a distraction for part of the day. That's probably a good idea right about now. Ok. I just had to get some of this out. That's all.

I'm always here. Always.

For those of you that are following along, I thought I'd tell you a little about the job as I've just completed day two.

Now, I'm tired, I can't breathe, I'm cold as, well I don't know, I'm just really cold and a bit tired of it, and have disgusting things to do tomorrow before work (like grocery shopping) so I have to get up even earlier. Point is, this'll be rather direct. Ha... like I usually take another route or something....

So during my 'welcome to the department' speech today I was told by one of the Leads that she is pushing for me to accept a position for a Lead Night Tech. Hi. I've been there two days... actually I was just beginning day two when she told me this. I told her I'd be interested but would like to figure out what I'm doing first, if she didn't mind. The position could be posted in three weeks or three months, no one really knows. She said she's already told the Director she wants me in that position. Ok, you know what? All bullshit aside, I think they know. I think they want to make sure I can do it then offer it to me. That's what they are waiting for. Here's why: they are amazed by my knowledge of all things pharmacy, my skills, and references - they've told me. They like my attitude (that's a good one...heh) and want someone that can be responsible. Well, after tonight, I can see why they are thinking this way. To be honest (and I don't mean to sound pompous) I am the best candidate. There are people there literally walking around in the pharmacy talking on their cell phones; their job is secondary to them at best. They are doing piss poor jobs at some things and, first and foremost, their training sucks. Five minutes of the beginning of teaching somebody something then wandering off for 45 minutes does not constitute as training. So I just went in the IV room and did the shit myself. Then the person training me came over about 2 hours later and wondered what I was doing. She felt bad that I was left alone (she was legitimately busy) and said I never should have had to do that all on my own. Ok, here's the BEST part of it... and I'm not even kidding you. The people that have been there like, 6-8 weeks were asking ME for help. I was fucking training people on my second day. I was answering questions that the other techs couldn't. That is the situation I often end up in - it has happened before.

So, here's the 'dilemma'... do I pretend I don't have the knowledge and hide it? Hell no I don't! Will I be labeled a bitch that thinks she is better than everyone else? Yes, I will. I know this from past experience. I end up with that label alot. And I don't think I'm better... I just think that if I have the skills, I should use them. My years of jumping in to ask questions is what got me here and a hell of alot of common sense; I don't plan on pretending those things are not a part of me. I am planning on being faced with some attitudes tomorrow, but you know what, I've done it before. And don't think for a second I'm going to back down. You throw me in there with a group of people that couldn't find their ass with both hands and you expect me to wait around patiently until someone can come around and hold my hand? I don't think so. Step aside and I'll do what I can and ask about the rest.

I can see that this is going to be alot of self-teaching, so to speak - it's just the way things are staffed right now and I truly do understand that. But just so long as no one expects me to sit back and wait because that's not going to happen. You hired me to come in and do a good job, which is what I plan on doing. On the job, I am not hard to get along with. My first night I was cracking the one pharmacist up with what is just my usual sarcastic demeanor; we were talking about some really weird shit (including plucking cat testicles...) but he told me that he was impressed that I didn't hesitate or miss a beat. He said that showed him what I was really like to be that comfortable and down to earth on my first day.

Point is, this could get interesting rather quickly. I'll go into full-on tech mode faster than some would like and I'll be the bitch. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I've heard it all. It will be interesting to see if they make it official with that position. I'm sure it'll take a while but I've no idea how long. I just keep finding myself in the position of clean up crew no matter where I go. Perhaps that's just my lot in life, which when you think of it, isn't so bad.

Off to bed now. I need to rest so I can run my errands tomorrow and then carefully select my scrub outfit for the day... I need it to say, 'Go on, call me a bitch. I dare you.' ;)

I'm such a ray of sunshine.

He's still got it...

...after all these years.

This boy was really something special. So special, in fact, that I have yet to be successful in naming the reasons that earn him that rank. Trying to explain it is like trying to explain the tone of a bell, how migration works, or why blue is blue. He was something extraordinary, in a category with one lone occupant: Fred Astaire.

I'd grudgingly watched bits of a few movies as a child and didn't really care one way or another. You know, it was old, and old wasn't cool then. As the years passed, my views began to change. One day, for some unknown reason, I watched one of his movies in it's entirety. That was all it took.

From that point on, I would seize every opporunity to watch any of his movies. Some I've watched a bit here and there, some I've seen repeatedly. The one thing that I've learned is that I don't think I will ever tire of them. Not so much because they were cinematic perfection, but for far more important reasons.

Fred was (and still remains) the epitome of grace and charm in my mind. There is not one person that can surpass him on either count. He danced as easily as I take a breath - it appeared effortless and utterly flawless. Often having to 'prove himself' in his movie roles, his quiet, crafty nature and tenacity managed to pull him through. With him, everything hard appeared easy, all things difficult simply became opportunities. Ahhh, idealism. It was as if, unbeknownst to him, he held the entire world in the palm of his graceful hand... no pretense whatsoever.

Right now, it's almost as if I need to believe that there is really someone like that out there. As if I need to wrap that feeling around me like a cloak. Something about him always seemed so centered, aside from his talent in tap shoes. I will always welcome the feeling I get when watching him. Hmm, I'm sure there's a box set of DVDs for sale somewhere, right?...

Yeah, I realize that there may not be one person that 'gets' this post, and that's ok. With everything changing in my life I just wish I had more than tonight's movie to give me that kind of feeling, that sort of comfort in life. Everyone has something that does it for them. Perhaps I see this as relief in a simpler time - complete with enough charm, grace, and a smile to knock anyone's socks (and tap shoes) right off!

I wonder if he ever knew, truly knew, what he had?

Fa La La La La La... Bite my ass!

I've never been one much for holidays. Well, as a kid I suppose I was, but not for most of my adult life. I had a bit of a reminder today regarding one of the reasons why.

Let's keep in mind that I don't really like to shop much, either. Yep, a non-shopping female... we do exist; not just in the dreams of men and the occasional Public Television specials, but flesh and bone. So I had to go shop for boots today. The rest of the world is shopping for whatever winter holiday they celebrate and I'm on a mission for practical cold weather and snow boots. Right. So I pass several stores including Dress Like a Mess, Sluts-R-Us, Cheesy Gizmos and Gadgets Galore, Waifs on a Diet Inc. (poorly yet ironically placed directly beside Amazon-Woman Apparel) and lastly, several various kiosks where workers attempted to accost me with their wares. I say attempted because the third one that approached me almost got his 'ware' shoved up his ass. No, I do not want to try your samples. No, I do not care to hear about the wonders of your particular over-priced product. What I want, people, is for you to avoid eye contact, leave me alone, get the fuck out of my way, and direct me to the goddammed boots for christ's sake! The only ones getting my money are the ones that sell me the boots I want... got it?!?!?!

Well, funny thing is, they don't. 'Got it', that is. On my return round, kiosk-boy sees me (as just another shopper) wandering near by. I see his fake holiday commission-based smile start to form as he begins to offer forth his wares; and just then, he realizes that he already tried to hit me up. He was the one that almost got his ware (I don't even know what it was) shoved tightly into his duodenum via the rectal route. When the realization settled on his jingle bell sized brain, the smile faded, a kind of special pallor overtook him and he took two steps back to go around the other side of the kiosk with a swiftness usually only seen on Animal Planet Safari programs. I love being able to illicit that sort of reaction with only a look... perhaps there really IS a Santa Claus....

And don't think I wasn't tempted to pop around the other side of the kiosk just to fuck with him. Holiday shopping is the worst and brings out the same in me.

Oh yeah, I got my boots. =)

So, anyone miss my ever-so-cheery blogging lately? Heh...

It's like a preview at the movies...

A post is on it's way but I had to share this. It was sent to me from a friend who works in a Behavioral Medicine Unit (aka Psych ward). I found 'me' on there... what about 'you'? =)

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Oh come on... see the humor, dammit!!! =)

Damn those good samaritans!!!

And their little dogs, too!

Oh wait, wrong thing...

So tomorrow I shut down {sniffle} and disconnect {sniffle, sniffle} my system for, oh, who knows, five days? Eight days? Something like that. {WAH!} Hoping to be back on at the end of the week, but you know what they say about the best laid plans. I'm hoping you'll come back and see if I'm still among the living after the official move, which occurs Tuesday. I wish you all a wonderful week..

And whatever you do, DON'T be a good samaritan! Remember how my door handle came off my car (back maybe two posts)? Well, if I'm just running in a convenience store for a minute, I close the door without pushing it shut. This ensures an easy and uneventful re-entry into the vehicle. This also keeps me from leaning waaay over rendering my posterior high in the air for all to see in what I can only assume is a rather ungraceful maneuver. Point being, some bastard closed my door while I was in getting coffee today. Damned good samaritan! Heh. ;)

For the Grinch in all of us...

... or me, at least.

I absolutely had to share this...


This restaurant chain makes a dessert called 'Frownies' (instead of brownies). They look exactly like the picture with the scowling face, too. Absolutely hysterical.

Given the bah humbug sentiment, it bears a striking resemblance to me; if it only had red hair. Hmmm. Anyway, the one squirrel in the corner looks like he's on some serious meth, too.


Whoever came up with this is brilliant. Weird, slightly left of center, but brilliant! (And yes, I stole the placemat just for this post!)

P.S.: Got the apartment and I'm taking a daytrip (yes, in another snowstorm) to move more stuff out there. Perhaps I'll even stop for a Frownie. Heh.
=(

Maybe yes, maybe no...

...but mostly maybe yes. I think.

Well, I think I have found a place to live. And no, it does not involve a cylinder block and brake pads. I will find out tomorrow, I hope. Worst case scenario would be Tuesday, but it should be Monday.

So, there's only one real drawback and, er, I'll ignore it for now. Otherwise it meets all of my requirements. As you can see, it has leaded glass decorative windows, lots of light, fabulously huge fans in each room, pocket doors, high baseboards, and a mantle. It's all either new and/or restored. And I'd have a private deck in the back.


So, let's all keep our fingers crossed. First, so that I get it. Second, so that I don't meet with a tragic end there. Ahem. Er, have I mentioned the leaded glass?...

Still no idea when I'll be moving officially but I'll give a heads up. Until then I'll just be hopping on blogs here and there. Of course, when I get all settled in and have my internet up and running I'll be stalking everyone regularly once again. Enjoy the silence and infrequency while it lasts...lol.

Oh, here is something I've learned. This is move #40 (yes, you read right) and #41 will be coming along in about 6 months as this set up is just temporary... so, what have I learned? I'm too old for this shit!!! ;)

The end of the beginning?

Things aren't going very well for the moment; I'll spare you the details and catch up on everyone's blogs if I have access. Just not sure if I'll be on the road or what.

Here's the general feeling in my mind:

I can feel the sun setting far before it should;

it's warmth fades slightly with each passing moment.

Before it's time, it comes. The darkness.

Provider of solace, shelter, and safe haven for some;

for some, but not for me.

For me, it waits tauntingly.

I fight for air as duplicitous silken tendrils reach,

threatening to rape the last of my strength.

I want to give in, almost give in.

Instead, I fight to see the sun just one more time.

I need to raise my head to survey what is in front of me

so I can mourn what might have been.

To know what was lost.

~

I'll be back in a couple of days when I can form real thougths and sentences. Hope everyone is doing well. =)