Well, he's right, I did feel it slip away.
He meaning Matthew Good; the words are from Tripoli and there's a fantastic live acoustic version here that I've been listening to.
It suits my mood. I'm not even going to talk about the previous post because things are still undecided and (^) I'm waiting for more information to make said decision and nothing is cooperating. I need to avoid thinking too much about it.
What I want to address is totally different. It's about disappointment. Today was an ending point for something and all parties involved knew it was coming so it was no surprise. Emotionally, it was difficult for me and has been over the past few days leading up to it; just the anticipation I think. Let's just say that I made my thoughts on the matter known and the other party just dropped that ball. Ouch. This was significant. I know it was to them, too because they've said as much in the past but when it came down to the wire, when it really counted, they froze. Nothing but a general off-handed comment while looking down at their shoes.
So here I sit, feeling so let down. I didn't expect anything in particular, just acknowledgement, hell, even by Hallmark you can't find your own words. But nothing. It was like a punch in the gut. I was already too worn out to cry and too tired to hit something. So I sat there, numb, surprised and amazed at the outcome in general. Which was, for anyone that missed it, nothing. A relationship that has been in place for almost a year was punctuated with an awkward silence. I just feel weird and really don't get it. From several angles, disappointment reigns at Chez LiVEwiRe.
(^) When you saw that symbol, I just happened to get a phone call from this person thanking me for the wonderful letter I wrote them. I sort of played it off but then when I saw an opportunity a few minutes later, I made it known that I was aware that they didn't even have it in them to write down a few words on a post-it note, speak to me directly about it, or even acknowledge it in any more than a half-assed way going out the door. As disappointed as I was, believe it or not, I was not accusatory in tone. It was more lighthearted although that's far what I'm feeling, I just didn't want to be hurtful to them because I was feeling hurt. And so we continued talking, about several things. For 36+ minutes according to my cell phone. WTF?!
Look, this person is very important to me. And whether they can verbalize it at the moment or not, I know it's reciprocal. Which is why I'm so confused and let down by their behavior - or lack thereof. Sometimes I just hate humans. We suck.
I'm disabling comments on this one. Between this and the last post topic, I'm seriously tapped out emotionally. I feel like Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping when she tells Bill Pullman "If you come back on Easter, you can burn down my apartment." It's not that I don't care what anyone has to say, I just need to turn around and close the door for a while. I'll be busy with my last week of work here, packing, and tying up loose ends. That'll either distract me or set off another phase, hard to tell.
Back in a few days, until then, it's Tropoli for me. Where has my head gone, indeed...
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Where did the fucking rug go?!
An hour ago, the rug was firmly in place under my feet. One phone call later and it's gone. I can't even see it anymore. Or maybe I can't see it because my eyes are red, puffy, and brimming with tears; hard to say.
This is why I don't let myself get excited over things. The moment I do, it seems to trigger a crumbling process. I'm being backed into a corner. I have to make a choice that I don't want to make. Furthermore, I don't know how to choose. Nonetheless, I have to do it quickly.
I didn't see this coming. I've been blindsided by my own hope. Did I mention I don't do well with change? Or shock and disappointment?
Watching your efforts circle the drain is not a good way to start the day. What foolish part of me tricked my brain into believing I could have something I wanted? When I locate that part, I'm going to stomp it to bits because this really sucks.
This is why I don't let myself get excited over things. The moment I do, it seems to trigger a crumbling process. I'm being backed into a corner. I have to make a choice that I don't want to make. Furthermore, I don't know how to choose. Nonetheless, I have to do it quickly.
I didn't see this coming. I've been blindsided by my own hope. Did I mention I don't do well with change? Or shock and disappointment?
Watching your efforts circle the drain is not a good way to start the day. What foolish part of me tricked my brain into believing I could have something I wanted? When I locate that part, I'm going to stomp it to bits because this really sucks.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Can you hear me now?!?!
I find this funny. No really, I do.
As you may recall, the house I live in (well, for another two weeks) burned badly two years ago. When repairs were done, everything had to be up to city code. My landlords (smart people that they are) really went all out and got heavy fire doors and a smoke/fire alarm system that would frustrate any pyromaniac or arsonist-in-the-making. The smoke/fire alarm system has two detectors in my apartment, one in the lower hall, one in the upper hall and two or three in the apartment above me. When one goes off, it's set to trigger the other ones so that if a fire would start in one apartment and that tenant wouldn't be home, the tenant in the other apartment would have ample time to get out before flames were lapping at their toes. Pretty nifty system.
Or so I thought. The things started going off at unpredictable intervals last night. It escalated throughout the day until the landlord came over and yanked a couple of wires temporarily. He's an electrician. He knows what he is doing. Or not. I came home from work around one in the morning and I could hear these mechanical bastards squealing out in the street! It's now almost three in the morning and every once in a while they pipe up again anywhere from five seconds to about a minute in duration. I'm quite sure there will be many a confused corpse in nearby cemeteries waking up if this continues. Surely this sound is at least 60 decibels beyond that of Paris Hilton getting booed off stage.
I am moving soon. In addition to working, I have at least 600 phone calls to make (not easy to do with banshee-like squealing in the background) and half as many appointments to keep within the next two weeks. There is packing to be done and cleaning to accomplished. A little rest is all I really want at this moment. Instead, I'll most likely be ordering a Miracle-Ear from some early morning infomercial.
No really, the timing is funny. The pain in my ears, not so much. Moral of the story: never believe a landlord with a beer in one hand who is yanking wires with the other telling you the problem is fixed.
As you may recall, the house I live in (well, for another two weeks) burned badly two years ago. When repairs were done, everything had to be up to city code. My landlords (smart people that they are) really went all out and got heavy fire doors and a smoke/fire alarm system that would frustrate any pyromaniac or arsonist-in-the-making. The smoke/fire alarm system has two detectors in my apartment, one in the lower hall, one in the upper hall and two or three in the apartment above me. When one goes off, it's set to trigger the other ones so that if a fire would start in one apartment and that tenant wouldn't be home, the tenant in the other apartment would have ample time to get out before flames were lapping at their toes. Pretty nifty system.
Or so I thought. The things started going off at unpredictable intervals last night. It escalated throughout the day until the landlord came over and yanked a couple of wires temporarily. He's an electrician. He knows what he is doing. Or not. I came home from work around one in the morning and I could hear these mechanical bastards squealing out in the street! It's now almost three in the morning and every once in a while they pipe up again anywhere from five seconds to about a minute in duration. I'm quite sure there will be many a confused corpse in nearby cemeteries waking up if this continues. Surely this sound is at least 60 decibels beyond that of Paris Hilton getting booed off stage.
I am moving soon. In addition to working, I have at least 600 phone calls to make (not easy to do with banshee-like squealing in the background) and half as many appointments to keep within the next two weeks. There is packing to be done and cleaning to accomplished. A little rest is all I really want at this moment. Instead, I'll most likely be ordering a Miracle-Ear from some early morning infomercial.
No really, the timing is funny. The pain in my ears, not so much. Moral of the story: never believe a landlord with a beer in one hand who is yanking wires with the other telling you the problem is fixed.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Tums
Based on my last post, you may know where this is going...
Yes, I have officially begun the 'freaking out process'. It would be an understatement to say that I do not do well with change. Wait, that's not entirely true; there are moments when I sail through things and even surprise myself. This just isn't one of those times.
Even though this process has begun and it's all normal and easily explained, it still sucks. Plain and simple. Of course I'm nervous about the major changes ahead, but I will cope; I'm too stubborn not to. The problem at this point in time is that I've begun the mourning process. Mourning what could have been, what was supposed to have been. I may be excelling at this because today I went to drop off my perscriptions and burst into tears realizing that it would be the last time I did that here. Now, as we all know, my perscriptions are very important but that scenario doesn't quite warrant sobbing.
I'm realizing that the next couple of weeks will hold alot of 'lasts' for me. My move here was supposed to be a new beginning and a short nine months later I find myself closing up shop. Part of me feels like I failed. Logically, I know I haven't, but we're talking about emotions and feelings here. This is the general area where I was raised as a young girl then came back to go to college the first time. I have always felt like this was my home. It still is, I guess, but there's a part of me that feels like I must be lacking something major to not be able to make it here - in my hometown.
Geography doesn't have much to do with it, but knowing how much I wanted this to work out leaves me feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad - you name it. Some of it is directed at myself, the rest is circumstantial as far as I'm concerned. I'm making the move back to Ohio for a better opportunity. Which is precisely why I moved here in the first place. See the connection? Part of me fears that the same thing could happen. And you know what? It could. That's just life. But again, that's the logical thinking part of my brain. And it doesn't appear to be winning the battle at this point.
The rest of my brain is getting scarily emotional. It's hard to focus on one new beginning when all you see are ends and 'last times' and goodbyes. Pretty crappy ratio if you ask me.
I took a break from packing last night and watched Benny & Joon. A pleasant distraction and proof that I can still laugh. I mean appropriately, not like, at lawn chairs or the letter 'M' or something. Today I think I'll just sit here and chain smoke until I make myself sick. I really can't think of much else to do. My brain is full.
I can hardly wait until PMS hits midway through this. That should make things really interesting.
Yes, I have officially begun the 'freaking out process'. It would be an understatement to say that I do not do well with change. Wait, that's not entirely true; there are moments when I sail through things and even surprise myself. This just isn't one of those times.
Even though this process has begun and it's all normal and easily explained, it still sucks. Plain and simple. Of course I'm nervous about the major changes ahead, but I will cope; I'm too stubborn not to. The problem at this point in time is that I've begun the mourning process. Mourning what could have been, what was supposed to have been. I may be excelling at this because today I went to drop off my perscriptions and burst into tears realizing that it would be the last time I did that here. Now, as we all know, my perscriptions are very important but that scenario doesn't quite warrant sobbing.
I'm realizing that the next couple of weeks will hold alot of 'lasts' for me. My move here was supposed to be a new beginning and a short nine months later I find myself closing up shop. Part of me feels like I failed. Logically, I know I haven't, but we're talking about emotions and feelings here. This is the general area where I was raised as a young girl then came back to go to college the first time. I have always felt like this was my home. It still is, I guess, but there's a part of me that feels like I must be lacking something major to not be able to make it here - in my hometown.
Geography doesn't have much to do with it, but knowing how much I wanted this to work out leaves me feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad - you name it. Some of it is directed at myself, the rest is circumstantial as far as I'm concerned. I'm making the move back to Ohio for a better opportunity. Which is precisely why I moved here in the first place. See the connection? Part of me fears that the same thing could happen. And you know what? It could. That's just life. But again, that's the logical thinking part of my brain. And it doesn't appear to be winning the battle at this point.
The rest of my brain is getting scarily emotional. It's hard to focus on one new beginning when all you see are ends and 'last times' and goodbyes. Pretty crappy ratio if you ask me.
I took a break from packing last night and watched Benny & Joon. A pleasant distraction and proof that I can still laugh. I mean appropriately, not like, at lawn chairs or the letter 'M' or something. Today I think I'll just sit here and chain smoke until I make myself sick. I really can't think of much else to do. My brain is full.
I can hardly wait until PMS hits midway through this. That should make things really interesting.
Friday, September 22, 2006
So, I can finally spill it...
Drumroll please...
HU&W situations 1 and 2 are now under control. Well, actually, the ride is just beginning. Here's the scoop in a nutshell.
I'm moving back to Ohio. I've been offered a job with the hospital I turned down three months ago. In addition to that, and more importantly, I will have a second job. I had no hand in finding this job, they emailed me and asked me if I'd be interested in applying. Within a month, I will be the new Instructor for the evening Pharmacy Technician program at a branch of the school I attended a few years back. I'm really excited about that!
As it stands, I'll be working about 56-60 hours a week so it's going to be difficult; I'm not fooling myself. I've had an interest in teaching adults for years now and the opportunity literally fell in my lap, as they say. How could I pass it up?
Both opportunities presented themselves within just days of each other. I've been doing alot of hard thinking but the offer from the school became official today. I composed my resignation letter for my current employer and left for work a bit early to take care of that. Even though I'm excited, it's still a change and therefore my nerves had my hands shaking like I had six double espressos for lunch. After all that, my boss had the nerve to leave early today... so she never got it. Well, at least I know what she'll be reading first thing in the morning.
Ok then. It's been posted on my blog. In my mind, that makes it official. =) Hey, come to think of it, other than my mother, you guys are the first to know - even before my employer or the rest of my family! Oh how I love thee, my little bloglings!
HU&W situations 1 and 2 are now under control. Well, actually, the ride is just beginning. Here's the scoop in a nutshell.
I'm moving back to Ohio. I've been offered a job with the hospital I turned down three months ago. In addition to that, and more importantly, I will have a second job. I had no hand in finding this job, they emailed me and asked me if I'd be interested in applying. Within a month, I will be the new Instructor for the evening Pharmacy Technician program at a branch of the school I attended a few years back. I'm really excited about that!
As it stands, I'll be working about 56-60 hours a week so it's going to be difficult; I'm not fooling myself. I've had an interest in teaching adults for years now and the opportunity literally fell in my lap, as they say. How could I pass it up?
Both opportunities presented themselves within just days of each other. I've been doing alot of hard thinking but the offer from the school became official today. I composed my resignation letter for my current employer and left for work a bit early to take care of that. Even though I'm excited, it's still a change and therefore my nerves had my hands shaking like I had six double espressos for lunch. After all that, my boss had the nerve to leave early today... so she never got it. Well, at least I know what she'll be reading first thing in the morning.
Ok then. It's been posted on my blog. In my mind, that makes it official. =) Hey, come to think of it, other than my mother, you guys are the first to know - even before my employer or the rest of my family! Oh how I love thee, my little bloglings!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Unexpected pleasantries
You know how we all have our things to deal with; some include jobs, kids, families, illnesses, financial concerns and those general crummy days that seem to weigh you down? Of course you do, we all have them. Then you also know how every once in a while there's a little gem that shines and you feel like it's just for you, no matter how small. It makes you feel special, like you were part of a sweet, singular moment in time that, for an instant, made everything else drop away.
As I left work and pulled out of the parking lot tonight, there were five deer nibbling on grass at the gate; two adults, three much younger although none young enough to still have spots. The closest was at a distance of 12 feet with the others being no more than one or two 'deerlengths' beyond. My window was down and I gasped out of sheer surprise. Deer are not what I expected to see on the South Side amid all that congestion even though there are some trees nearby. I thought my lights and general presence would frighten them off but they were so calm. They looked at me with as much interest as I did them. One of the adults tried to walk in front of my car, toward the traffic and I moved my car forward a couple of feet with hopes of deterring him. Instead of running, he studied me. Really studied me. He took a few more steps and I moved my car up again. He turned to face me and eventually sauntered back over toward the others. I figure he was wondering what in the hell I was doing. I'm sure it was his turf and I must've appeared pretty nervy but if he would have gone much further, the outcome may not have been pretty. I had the chance to sit and watch them, and yes, I talked to them. I can't help it. I talk to all the animals I see. Silly as it may sound to some, that was really special for me. Deer aren't the most relaxed of animals and for them to be aware of my presence and still go about their business (while I was so close) is exceptionally cool. Me, I love animals. Probably more than people for the most part. For all of an estimated two minutes they were the only thing on my mind. They were my little gems. Everyone needs that now and then, no matter what form it comes in.
Of course, now that I think about it, they have a camera in the parking lot. It will most likely look like I'm talking to the security gate arm and erratically pulling my car further up. I'll appear certifiable! Heh. Cool.
As I left work and pulled out of the parking lot tonight, there were five deer nibbling on grass at the gate; two adults, three much younger although none young enough to still have spots. The closest was at a distance of 12 feet with the others being no more than one or two 'deerlengths' beyond. My window was down and I gasped out of sheer surprise. Deer are not what I expected to see on the South Side amid all that congestion even though there are some trees nearby. I thought my lights and general presence would frighten them off but they were so calm. They looked at me with as much interest as I did them. One of the adults tried to walk in front of my car, toward the traffic and I moved my car forward a couple of feet with hopes of deterring him. Instead of running, he studied me. Really studied me. He took a few more steps and I moved my car up again. He turned to face me and eventually sauntered back over toward the others. I figure he was wondering what in the hell I was doing. I'm sure it was his turf and I must've appeared pretty nervy but if he would have gone much further, the outcome may not have been pretty. I had the chance to sit and watch them, and yes, I talked to them. I can't help it. I talk to all the animals I see. Silly as it may sound to some, that was really special for me. Deer aren't the most relaxed of animals and for them to be aware of my presence and still go about their business (while I was so close) is exceptionally cool. Me, I love animals. Probably more than people for the most part. For all of an estimated two minutes they were the only thing on my mind. They were my little gems. Everyone needs that now and then, no matter what form it comes in.
Of course, now that I think about it, they have a camera in the parking lot. It will most likely look like I'm talking to the security gate arm and erratically pulling my car further up. I'll appear certifiable! Heh. Cool.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Confliction
That's not a word, is it? But it should be. In my mental dictionary it shall now officially be a word, basically used as, "I am feeling confliction over (enter circumstance here)." I like that better than other alternatives; it seems to show more action and participation in the conflict process.
So, why the confliction, you ask? Or maybe you haven't asked but I'm going to tell you anyway - feel free to click to the next blog if you don't want one of my vague explanations. The confliction comes from the fact that I'm one step closer to Hurry Up & Wait situation #2 playing out. I've actively participated. Still nothing on HU&W situation #1 but hey, why should I think the timing would be, well, well timed?
Now I'm, what, one step closer to... waiting some more? Problem is, if given the time to wait and actually (gasp) think too much, I become my own worst enemy. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? I can just about talk myself into or out of anything given the proper amount of time. Things are still up in the air; hence, the confliction. Honestly, it'll probably get worse once both of those situations come in for a landing.
I desperately need sleep as I'm already exhausted from the day but instead, I'm off to work. How lucky can one girl get?!
So, why the confliction, you ask? Or maybe you haven't asked but I'm going to tell you anyway - feel free to click to the next blog if you don't want one of my vague explanations. The confliction comes from the fact that I'm one step closer to Hurry Up & Wait situation #2 playing out. I've actively participated. Still nothing on HU&W situation #1 but hey, why should I think the timing would be, well, well timed?
Now I'm, what, one step closer to... waiting some more? Problem is, if given the time to wait and actually (gasp) think too much, I become my own worst enemy. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? I can just about talk myself into or out of anything given the proper amount of time. Things are still up in the air; hence, the confliction. Honestly, it'll probably get worse once both of those situations come in for a landing.
I desperately need sleep as I'm already exhausted from the day but instead, I'm off to work. How lucky can one girl get?!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
What time is it boys and girls???
Why, it's PUKE-TIME!!!
It's been quite some time since I've been witness to the sounds of the expulsion of so many people's stomach contents. Oh yes, today I got to relive my bar days, but from a sober (and much more disgusted) standpoint.
On my way out of work shortly after 1am, I turned the corner to exit through the emergency room and was hit square in the face with the smell of, well, let's just say it wasn't normal. Something akin to the sink drain in a bar at the end of the night might come close. It was coming from a hunched over, moaning young man that was barely conscious. Just as I exited I heard his friend yell "Hey, we're gonna need a...". I know what they needed but unless an emesis basin magically grew out of his ear, I'm guessing the next call was to housekeeping.
Half a mile down the road while stopped at a red light, I see a group of people leaving a bar sort of propping up their friend who had at that time lost the cooperation of most of her limbs. Just as my light changed to green I witnessed the unfortunate and utterly unprovoked soiling of a small, unsuspecting vehicle. While her limbs may not have been cooperative, her stomach clearly decided to quiet her mumbling in a somewhat forceful, projectile nature complete with sounds that I recall hearing in The Exorcist. She had to be at least five feet away and that poor car never saw it coming.
Within another mile or so I saw a guy bent over in the bushes and, now I thought this was rather amusing, a girl crossing the street slows for a second, bends over slightly and effectively spews the most recent $40 she spent at the bar right on her shoes. Not missing a beat she straightens up and just keeps walking as if nothing ever happened. Most likely on her way to the next bar.
Not to point the finger here, as I've got plenty of stories of my own, but I'm just amused that they all united and put on a little show for me tonight. It was like Puke-Fest 2006. Blech. Wow. The person who owns that car is going to be really pissed off when they sober up.
(Oddly, I may be adding to the Ralphing Roster... my neighbors just decided it was a suitable time to have sex. Right above my head. I was gone until almost 2am yet they waited for me to come home, how kind. Sadly, it only lasted about a minute and a half, maximum. That's the part that turns my stomach.)
It's been quite some time since I've been witness to the sounds of the expulsion of so many people's stomach contents. Oh yes, today I got to relive my bar days, but from a sober (and much more disgusted) standpoint.
On my way out of work shortly after 1am, I turned the corner to exit through the emergency room and was hit square in the face with the smell of, well, let's just say it wasn't normal. Something akin to the sink drain in a bar at the end of the night might come close. It was coming from a hunched over, moaning young man that was barely conscious. Just as I exited I heard his friend yell "Hey, we're gonna need a...". I know what they needed but unless an emesis basin magically grew out of his ear, I'm guessing the next call was to housekeeping.
Half a mile down the road while stopped at a red light, I see a group of people leaving a bar sort of propping up their friend who had at that time lost the cooperation of most of her limbs. Just as my light changed to green I witnessed the unfortunate and utterly unprovoked soiling of a small, unsuspecting vehicle. While her limbs may not have been cooperative, her stomach clearly decided to quiet her mumbling in a somewhat forceful, projectile nature complete with sounds that I recall hearing in The Exorcist. She had to be at least five feet away and that poor car never saw it coming.
Within another mile or so I saw a guy bent over in the bushes and, now I thought this was rather amusing, a girl crossing the street slows for a second, bends over slightly and effectively spews the most recent $40 she spent at the bar right on her shoes. Not missing a beat she straightens up and just keeps walking as if nothing ever happened. Most likely on her way to the next bar.
Not to point the finger here, as I've got plenty of stories of my own, but I'm just amused that they all united and put on a little show for me tonight. It was like Puke-Fest 2006. Blech. Wow. The person who owns that car is going to be really pissed off when they sober up.
(Oddly, I may be adding to the Ralphing Roster... my neighbors just decided it was a suitable time to have sex. Right above my head. I was gone until almost 2am yet they waited for me to come home, how kind. Sadly, it only lasted about a minute and a half, maximum. That's the part that turns my stomach.)
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Go ahead, be gone with it
It's been a bit strange lately. Not bad, just strange. You may wonder how I can tell this particular strange from any other that I experience. Ok, let's put it this way. I spent two hours at work tonight with the distinct smell of a freshly unwrapped roll of toilet paper stuck somewhere in my nose (the smell, not the toilet paper). But that's not the worst of it. And I have a really hard time admitting this, but... I like a Justin Timberlake song*. I'm tellin' ya' - something fishy is going on around here!!!
I'm about to spontaneously combust, too. That's another thing. Well, most likely I really won't, but I feel like it. A couple of posts ago I mentioned some 'Hurry Up & Wait' scenario which should make it's full potential known by week's end. But wait, there's more (in corny infomercial announcer voice)... there is now a second HU&W situation. Either in direct correlation or conflict, I'm not sure which, with the first one! Oh well, it should all play out soon enough then I can talk about it instead of being vague. I'm refraining from discussing it because then I'll get all worked up and really spontaneously combust. I don't want to do that; too messy. Plus, who would feed my cat?
*Erm, it's the sixth/seventh one down... I can't help it, it's pretty freakin' hot!!! I can't believe I like a JT song, what is this world coming to? It's madness I tell you. Madness!!!
I'm about to spontaneously combust, too. That's another thing. Well, most likely I really won't, but I feel like it. A couple of posts ago I mentioned some 'Hurry Up & Wait' scenario which should make it's full potential known by week's end. But wait, there's more (in corny infomercial announcer voice)... there is now a second HU&W situation. Either in direct correlation or conflict, I'm not sure which, with the first one! Oh well, it should all play out soon enough then I can talk about it instead of being vague. I'm refraining from discussing it because then I'll get all worked up and really spontaneously combust. I don't want to do that; too messy. Plus, who would feed my cat?
*Erm, it's the sixth/seventh one down... I can't help it, it's pretty freakin' hot!!! I can't believe I like a JT song, what is this world coming to? It's madness I tell you. Madness!!!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Clear as mud
So I'm in bed this morning, crying of course, and a most peculiar thought came to me...
In an attempt to escape my past, I focus on the future with such ferocity that I am literally trampling the present to pieces.
Official then, isn't it? I no longer know how to live in the present. I'm either trying to outrun the wrongs of days gone by or fighting tooth and nail to make sure I have a brighter future. Thing is, 'the future' is questionable. Yesterday's future is today. It's like that sign that hangs in so many bars; Free Beer Tomorrow. And when you get there the following day, the sign still says the same thing. It's never tomorrow. It's always today. And damn if I haven't forgotten how to focus on today. How odd is it that I can live in the past if I choose (I choose not to), spend every ounce of energy seeking a better future (which, as we've determined, never really comes) yet I go through the motions daily and seem to be at a standstill? How can I live every day, yet not? What am I not getting out of it that I feel I should be? Shouldn't there be some sort of schematic or diagram for this?
All things considered, I'm not in a bad mood*. The last few days (days? hell, years, decades...) have been really tough in an emotional sort of way. And no, I don't mean PMS. Women can have emotions that don't revolve around hormones. And I don't think these are revolving around my fickle neurotransmitters, either. It's just that the past few days, I've been seeing some things clearly for the first time in ages, like a veil has been lifted. Some of it is good, some not so good (and we'll leave it at that) but the thing that startles me above all else, is that I was unaware of most of it even though I'm living it every moment. It's been akin to turning on a light in a dark room. My neurotransmitters are fine, I swear. Maybe my axons are melting or there's a traffic jam in a particular synaptic region.
No, I just think I've been granted a bit of clarity and it's alot to take in. And I have no idea why it chose this moment to descend. I'm uncomfortable with it, to be honest. Grateful in a sense, because I can learn from it but still uncomfortable. And sad. And really fucking edgy.
Given the fact that I could have a small arsenal with me on the top of a very tall building within about 12 minutes, crying in bed isn't so bad now, is it?
*Seriously, I'm taking it in stride for the most part, thinking, reflecting, thinking, pondering hope, thinking, crying, thinking, swearing, thinking, torturing myself with thinking... you get the idea. But not in a bad mood. Contemplative is suitable for my mood but not bad. I find that odd.
In an attempt to escape my past, I focus on the future with such ferocity that I am literally trampling the present to pieces.
Official then, isn't it? I no longer know how to live in the present. I'm either trying to outrun the wrongs of days gone by or fighting tooth and nail to make sure I have a brighter future. Thing is, 'the future' is questionable. Yesterday's future is today. It's like that sign that hangs in so many bars; Free Beer Tomorrow. And when you get there the following day, the sign still says the same thing. It's never tomorrow. It's always today. And damn if I haven't forgotten how to focus on today. How odd is it that I can live in the past if I choose (I choose not to), spend every ounce of energy seeking a better future (which, as we've determined, never really comes) yet I go through the motions daily and seem to be at a standstill? How can I live every day, yet not? What am I not getting out of it that I feel I should be? Shouldn't there be some sort of schematic or diagram for this?
All things considered, I'm not in a bad mood*. The last few days (days? hell, years, decades...) have been really tough in an emotional sort of way. And no, I don't mean PMS. Women can have emotions that don't revolve around hormones. And I don't think these are revolving around my fickle neurotransmitters, either. It's just that the past few days, I've been seeing some things clearly for the first time in ages, like a veil has been lifted. Some of it is good, some not so good (and we'll leave it at that) but the thing that startles me above all else, is that I was unaware of most of it even though I'm living it every moment. It's been akin to turning on a light in a dark room. My neurotransmitters are fine, I swear. Maybe my axons are melting or there's a traffic jam in a particular synaptic region.
No, I just think I've been granted a bit of clarity and it's alot to take in. And I have no idea why it chose this moment to descend. I'm uncomfortable with it, to be honest. Grateful in a sense, because I can learn from it but still uncomfortable. And sad. And really fucking edgy.
Given the fact that I could have a small arsenal with me on the top of a very tall building within about 12 minutes, crying in bed isn't so bad now, is it?
*Seriously, I'm taking it in stride for the most part, thinking, reflecting, thinking, pondering hope, thinking, crying, thinking, swearing, thinking, torturing myself with thinking... you get the idea. But not in a bad mood. Contemplative is suitable for my mood but not bad. I find that odd.
Friday, September 08, 2006
*Mouthbreather
Have you ever been watching TV or a movie and all of a sudden the main character is standing there and they almost slow a bit while everything around them just whizzes past? They sort of just take it all in and observe with a bit of confusion. Well, that's sort of what I feel like right now. Either that or 'Jaye' in the extremely short-lived Wonderfalls series. The main difference between me and that character is that instead of inanimate objects talking to me, I'm the one talking to inanimate objects. Still not sure if that's good, bad, or indifferent.
Without detail, I'm in the midst of one of everyone's favorite games; 'Hurry Up and Wait'. Seeing that the patience housed in me could fit on the head of a pin with room to spare, it's no treat. Things should get a little clearer in that respect within the next week or so. Then they will no doubt become muddy as ever. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bitching (really), merely observing and verbalizing what is going on. If I don't do that, it's like it sneaks up on me and surprises me even when I knew it would be approaching. Even so, you may get a rather frenzied post from me in about a week. Don't panic - I'm sure I'll be doing enough of that for all of us. {Since I'll be in panic mode, please feel free to send along your requests for things you would like me to panic over in your stead. I'd be happy to help.}
Yesterday I spent almost half of my time putting out proverbial fires at work, coming to the rescue of coworkers, and answering a gazillion questions. I heard phrases like, 'Ask LiVEwiRe, she'll know the answer, how to fix it, where to find that, what to do, ad infinitum'. Now, the reason I'm saying this is because often we (ok, I) get irritated with so many interruptions; we've all been there. But in some ways, it is a compliment to know that your coworkers see you as a reliable source. Well, as long as they aren't asking dumb questions out of laziness. It makes you realize that you actually have accomplished something. Just a thought for you to keep in mind when you want to strangle your coworkers... try to think of it as a compliment. If that doesn't work, feel free to strangle them. ;)
Well, in the midst of writing this I got a phone call regarding the 'Hurry Up and Wait' situation. Although I still have to wait, it would seem that things may be taking a somewhat positive turn. Although positive is relative. We'll see.
*Mouthbreather was a 'term of endearment' (not) for another Wonderfalls character. I'm telling you, I really am spending way too much time talking to non-living things!
Without detail, I'm in the midst of one of everyone's favorite games; 'Hurry Up and Wait'. Seeing that the patience housed in me could fit on the head of a pin with room to spare, it's no treat. Things should get a little clearer in that respect within the next week or so. Then they will no doubt become muddy as ever. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bitching (really), merely observing and verbalizing what is going on. If I don't do that, it's like it sneaks up on me and surprises me even when I knew it would be approaching. Even so, you may get a rather frenzied post from me in about a week. Don't panic - I'm sure I'll be doing enough of that for all of us. {Since I'll be in panic mode, please feel free to send along your requests for things you would like me to panic over in your stead. I'd be happy to help.}
Yesterday I spent almost half of my time putting out proverbial fires at work, coming to the rescue of coworkers, and answering a gazillion questions. I heard phrases like, 'Ask LiVEwiRe, she'll know the answer, how to fix it, where to find that, what to do, ad infinitum'. Now, the reason I'm saying this is because often we (ok, I) get irritated with so many interruptions; we've all been there. But in some ways, it is a compliment to know that your coworkers see you as a reliable source. Well, as long as they aren't asking dumb questions out of laziness. It makes you realize that you actually have accomplished something. Just a thought for you to keep in mind when you want to strangle your coworkers... try to think of it as a compliment. If that doesn't work, feel free to strangle them. ;)
Well, in the midst of writing this I got a phone call regarding the 'Hurry Up and Wait' situation. Although I still have to wait, it would seem that things may be taking a somewhat positive turn. Although positive is relative. We'll see.
*Mouthbreather was a 'term of endearment' (not) for another Wonderfalls character. I'm telling you, I really am spending way too much time talking to non-living things!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
I am the glue (kookookachoo)
Or so I was recently told. In my mind, I've seen myself as a wedge of sorts, but never the glue that holds things together. Huh.
Barring the fact that I didn't get to leave on time (not my fault, for once) and sleep was not much more than an idle daydream, it was a wonderful trip. Spending time with my family was great (if you exclude my 'nephew's' flog-slaying fest) and being back on the lake shore provided such a comfortable feeling. I am not meant to live in a land locked area. Rivers don't count although there are three of them here.
For anyone that spends time near the shore, you know that being on the waters edge is like standing at the edge of the world. It's everything and nothing all at the same time. And I connect to it.
What's the going rate on life vs. love?
What's the going rate on heaven up above?
I feed on the plans that I've made up to now
What's the going rate on accountability?
What's the going rate on you vs. me?
I'm far from the walls and the trust that keep me here
I'm stuck in the mud, it's stuck in my mind
How we're running out of time
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
What's the going rate on making this thing right?
What's the going rate on staying out all night?
It's hard to believe in the things I trust the most
There's so many signs, how many ways
Can I deceive my yesterday
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
Can you be bigger than this?
Can you be stronger than this?
We're counting on you
Everything's waiting on you
Everything's focused on you
To do what you should do
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
{The Going Rate (My Fix) - Thornley}
Barring the fact that I didn't get to leave on time (not my fault, for once) and sleep was not much more than an idle daydream, it was a wonderful trip. Spending time with my family was great (if you exclude my 'nephew's' flog-slaying fest) and being back on the lake shore provided such a comfortable feeling. I am not meant to live in a land locked area. Rivers don't count although there are three of them here.
For anyone that spends time near the shore, you know that being on the waters edge is like standing at the edge of the world. It's everything and nothing all at the same time. And I connect to it.
What's the going rate on life vs. love?
What's the going rate on heaven up above?
I feed on the plans that I've made up to now
What's the going rate on accountability?
What's the going rate on you vs. me?
I'm far from the walls and the trust that keep me here
I'm stuck in the mud, it's stuck in my mind
How we're running out of time
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
What's the going rate on making this thing right?
What's the going rate on staying out all night?
It's hard to believe in the things I trust the most
There's so many signs, how many ways
Can I deceive my yesterday
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
Can you be bigger than this?
Can you be stronger than this?
We're counting on you
Everything's waiting on you
Everything's focused on you
To do what you should do
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
{The Going Rate (My Fix) - Thornley}
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Overlook Hotel revisited
All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. And apparently short circuit...
And with that, in a few hours I'm off to Ohio for a few days.
And with that, in a few hours I'm off to Ohio for a few days.
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