Well, I finally did it. I'll let you know when I find out exactly 'what'.

Lately I feel like my name should be Pandora, and that I must have some awful twitch that forces my hand to keep opening a box...

Well, I contacted my half sister via a somewhat lengthy message on the devil, FaceBook. Seriously, I think FB is the devil. Anyway, I'm hoping she still uses her account. I figure I either closed a door or opened one. To what is the question. This will be the third potentially infective, life altering, emotionally charged instance while I've been on FB.

#1: Found me
#2: Found it
#3: Let's make this the final round and then get on with life.

I think I just want to start it or finish it. I'll be ok either way. That's why I think I had to wait - now I know that dealing with her won't send me screaming. I had to be ready. Even if she tells me to go away. I can do that; it's one of the things I do best, really. But my chest kind of hurts. I think I'm bracing myself against the unknown. I've been beat up alot lately. Steeling myself against a possible blow makes perfect sense to me.

Once I get things in order, I can go. Don't think I want these big things going with me so I need to drop them when and where I can. Or I'm a glutton for punishment with a God complex. That is also a serious possibility.

Found the following words on a site. Apparently they are lyrics, which you can copy and paste into your browser, some country band. But the lyrics reminded me of, me.

For as much as she stumbles she's running, for as much she runs she's still here, always hoping to find something quicker than heaven to make the damage of her days disappear.

If you are going to not like me, then just don't like me, damnit!

So all the crap about moving and the reason why - just went through that. Today she says in a forlorn tone, 'if you were to leave I'd have to go into a home; I can't stay by myself anymore.'

Pardon me, but WTF?!?! Two weeks ago you were sure I ate kitten heads as snacks and pissed on Christ's feet.... now you are turning this around?? Like she is on to me and is guilting me into not going???

OMFG!

You cannot, you will not, get a straight answer out of her on this. Not on anything that matters. You have a better chance of me becoming the spokesperson for a petite clothing line. Or president of the local chapter of Pure Living without Swearing club.

I've calmed a little this week - probably because I resigned myself to the fact that I'd be going. That was hard. But here's the thing. I have a mental illness/mood disorder. It fucks with me and with other people, often without my consent. We are in close quarters. We are opposites. This is not a good mix. For the most part the bipolar is controlled but for some reason, I get these random spikes and even I don't see them coming. It isn't fair to her - she's 89! Wrong/right - she's 89! She doesn't deserve me acting like a lunatic. Anything above a slightly raised voice or just disagreeing with her and she accuses you of yelling at her. And that isn't just me, her daughters have noticed that. So she does not understand that this is not directed at her. On the flip side - she does want me around, but she wants the nicer me. I wish I could promise it to her. I would give my own life for her and have always said so. I just can't seem to find anyone to help me get this under control. This doesn't even cover the sheer guilt I feel over the situation. This woman is a huge part of why I am even alive today. But hey - not that I owe her or anything. *sigh*

Funny thing is, no matter what I do, I'll be wrong. I just need a giant slab of concrete to beat my head on for a while. Hard to believe with this type of trait running rampant in my family that I have stability issues, no?

What if I were sticky enough to walk the ceiling well maybe I could live through this.

Today at work I spent the better part of 15-20 minutes staring at a scalpel in a bin. I had to get an item from this bin and kept thinking that I could just remove the safety cover, slash the palm side of my fingers or my hand. Of course I'd have the luxury of just letting myself feel what I needed to feel. Allowing myself to bleed the bad from me. I was by myself. If someone walked in and saw me standing there I could have easily said I was in shock. "I didn't even realize it was in there and when I was fishing around for the clamps, I must've run alongside the open edge against the side of the bin. Um, I need to sit down..." I'm such a good liar. But I don't want anyone to know, so I have to be a good liar. I really struggled with that today. I don't consider it a success because I know the elements will line up again. All I can do is try to continue to find reasons NOT to, because let me tell you, I have more than enough reasons to. I've just been overwhelmed lately; unfortunately that is the trigger.

Good song for the day - Live Thru This by Mighty Joe Plum. It is hard to find but I know you can pull it up on MySpace. It's worth a listen and it fits me today.

Well, I think I kind of give up.

This past week or two has been, as they say, 'one for the books'.

After all is said and done, I'll be moving within the next 4 months or so. I don't know where, but one place is most likely as good as the other once I compare the important parts. It appears I am toxic and I refuse to stay and hurt the few people I care about any more. So I'll leave. They'll get over that much faster than if I stay.

I'm thinking of trying somewhere I've never been before. I don't even care if I like it, as long as it doesn't have huge spiders or something. It's just a place to exist. Liking things backfires so I'm not really considering that much.

Not a clue as to what will truly happen. I just know I have to go.

In direct contrast to the F-Bomb fest of yesterday, because THESE boys are nicer...

However, the previous post is still required reading. So read it, damn it.

Anyway - I just got done watching a hockey game. The Penguins won but this was still game #5 in the semi-finals - they could win it in #6 or win or lose in #7. The tension kills me. I just don't want them to play the Red Wings, although I'd rather have them in the finals playing them than not in the finals, dig?

Here's what made me think of this post. The person that shall remain nameless in the previous post hides behind a false sense of goodness and cranks out rough statements aiming to mold you to their beliefs. All the while it would sound like a decent thing until you break it down, most people would not do that - but I did and had some difficulty digesting the hypocritical views and expectations. Which... is why I thought of that during the game. These guys beat the hell out of one another and in the end, they shake hands and it's a new day next time they meet. Ok, outside of the obvious longer-term grudges. But generally. When they cross check someone into the boards, that is what they do as part of their job. I like these boys because what they do is what they do. It's honest, up front and everyone is aware of what to expect.

As a little 'thanks' to this group of guys that actually get me interested in something (the game) I wanted to post a few of my favorite players' pics. Now, these are rough and tumble NHL guys. I have on ice shots and some of them cleaned up - which I'd like to add that they clean up quite nicely, or they are photoshopped. I don't really care. (During playoff season they have a tradition and do a fundraiser and grow their beards, so you'll see alot of that.) I'll add a blurb, but it's just a way for me to say thanks to these guys (although none will ever know) for bringing me a bit of happiness and setting an example that there is a right and wrong place to try to knock someone down.

Say hello to Bill Guerin; at age 39, he puts up with all sorts of age-related jokes, gets called 'grandpa', in good humor, but takes it all in stride. Rumor has it that he gets the entire team psyched and in good spirits in the locker room prior to the games.

Having been on a number of teams, even as captain, he needed something new and came to Pittsburgh. He's got an 18 year NHL history yet his teammates say when he's around his kids, it's not so easy telling which one is the adult!

He doesn't look like someone you'd want to tangle with here, but he's known for his sense of humor. He also took a significant pay cut to extend his time with the Pens for a year. I really hope he stays again. He's a player that loves his game!

And this is my little Billy all cleaned up. I think it's fair to say I think he's quite handsome. Damn these boys clean up nice!!! I like Billy.

*******

The ever watchful Maxime Talbot! He comes out of nowhere, I tell you! Sometimes to score a goal, assist, or generally get in the opponents' way. He really made a name for himself last year in the playoffs.

This pic was from a parade when he accompanied Sidney Crosby back to his hometoen in Nova Scotia. Maxime went along and they seemed to have a great time. They also filmed a special and shot the commercial where Max and Sidney are taking shots at Sid's old dryer that he used to practice goals with. It sure seems to have worked!

Never saw Max dressed up - couldn't pass this one up. Again, cleaning up well. And don't they look so different without all the padding?

I'm pretty sure he's doing a superhero move or something. Perhaps practicing to lift the Cup again this year? They do seem like a happy group of guys, though.

*******

I couldn't pass this pic by.... this would be Pascal Dupuis (Dupwee', phoenetic) on the left with his buddy Maxime. See, this is proof that hockey players DO have teeth. That I'm sure were purchased and implanted one by one. Great smiles guys!


He looks so innocent and moderately confused there! That would be Phil Bourque on the left side of the pic and teammate Brooks Orpik on the right, flanked by three water bottles.

Pascal has been used in more lines lately and has really increased goals and assists. I enjoy watching him play more as time goes on. This puzzled face is the future of the Pens!

*******

Jordan Stall is all of 21 years old. Right before his first playoff game, last year (year before?), I think, his grandmother passed. They had been very close. He flew home and was back on ice quickly but you could see how he felt. It's hard to remember sometimes that these players are so young.

Something interesting. Jordan (L) and his brothers all play hockey for different teams.

I just liked this. It remined me of school boys sitting around after class. L to R: Jordan Staal, Bill Guerin, and Maxime Talbot.

*******

Ok, did ya' notice the eyes and intensity? Just making sure. Whew. I've got to say - it's pretty impressive to leave that sort of impression with a full face mask on. Enter one of the best goaltenders... Martin Biron. (Properly spoken it is Mar-tann' Bee-rrhone', emphasis on the second syllable. Gotta love the French Canadians for assuring we never say anything properly.)

He is fantastic to watch when he's on ice. I'd really like the Pens and Flyers to pair up for the finals, partially for that reason... hey, is she sitting on his lap?

I'm pretty sure she's in shock. Those goalies are flexible - he could actually have his arm around her from across the room! Just sayin'...

*******

Bring on Chris Chelios. This guy outskated, outmaneuvered, out 'everythinged' so many guys in the NHL. And on top of it, he was always nice. Even when wiping the ice with you.

Chris has been with many teams in his career but I think I first saw his insane on-ice skills as a Chicago Blackhawk.

Ok, I never knew about this pic but once I saw it I had to post it. Guess all the working out they do really does help them age gracefully!

*******

Welcome Francois (Frankie) LeRoux. He was the first hockey player to ever turn my head - I was too busy with watching the game. Until I saw him. In person - up close. He was well groomed and well dressed. With teeth. I'd never paid attention before then. I still have a '91-ish calendar with him in it.

This is fairly recent and he still looks every bit of his 6'6"! Did I mention he was top of the league for penalty minutes and fights? You can still YouTube his finest 'work'...lol.

Frankie LeRoux now - he's a developer! At least now I know where to go if I want to buy a house... and he's still in Pittsburgh.

Thanks for going along with me on this one. I needed to do this and I wanted to. Hopefully the spacing will hold. I think I'll post the other emails tomorrow. I just wanted to end my night on a high note. This should do it. =)

Oh for the love of cheese, what the fuck is wrong with some people?!

So. I wrote my email. Interestingly I already have a response. The only way for me to have you clearly understand what is going through my head, is to post the emails. That won't be happening today though. I need to absorb this. The one thing I am picking up is that just because a person lives with a group that studies positive awareness and such does NOT mean they do not exhibit cult-like behavior. To tell me that I've offended you by using a very common term in modern language (that was actually a compliment) pisses me right off. But you tell me that you are sure that I didn't mean to and you understand that. That is followed immediately by your explanation on how your culture tells another when they have said something 'off' so that they may take that knowledge and improve themselves.... (count. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. ) ... well fuck you buddy because there was nothing 'off' about what I said and it is rather obvious that I am not part of your fuck ass cult culture and I don't feel shamed into improving myself over using such a common term. It was not swearing nor derogatory. BUT... in the next part you talk about being great. You call me GREAT. You call you GREAT. Let me guess, Manson's fucking whippity skippity fucking GREAT, too! And Bundy, he's gotta be a whole roll of lovin' GREATness goin' on. Certainly Dahmer is beyond GREAT considering he had no 'smallness of feelings' when he was shoving boys in his deathville freezer. (count. 1. 2. 3. 4. ) How can you tell me that in your eyes I am subpar over these little things but then tell me you are taught to see everyone as, you guessed it, GREAT. If you are searching for the greatness in me, you will never find it. You are looking for greatness that is found on page 124 of the third book in the second series... for sale, by the way - of course. You don't see the greatness in me because it doesn't fit with your current code. You don't see when I stay hours after work to just be with a friend in the emergency room after a long day so she doesn't have to be alone. You don't see when I make sure to address many of the patients at work that often don't even understand where they are or even who they are; this is not any part of my job, I just want them to know that someone 'sees' them. You will never know how many sick animals I have volunteered with donating time and resources to care for, holding some as they died in my arms. Those things, those simple things right there are the doorway to greatness and I'll be damned if you toss the word around just because someone told you to. Fuck. You. At least I can say that I've seen what love and greatness can do and believe it or not pal, it has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with just saying everyone is great. Believing that does not make it true; furthermore, everyone ISN'T great. And to reprimand another and tell them that you didn't appreciate a word and you are kindly telling them so they can 'improve their life' - oh my god... if it were that easy don't you think I'd have done it by now?! If it were actually offensive, I could understand. Perhaps you can chant and meditate over these things but not only can't I do that, but now I surely won't... and risk turning into you? I think not. At least I know I'm a fucking wreck in the head, or at least emotionally, because I am... not because I've been fed this shit just to be able to use it out of context. I can still try to fix me but you have stopped trying because you believe some offshoot diety has given you the answers. Motherfucker try to play this shit on me. I can make it to your place and back in a day. But I have no good reason. Other than to fucking give you a solid right hook. Clearly, you are no longer worth my time.

Well, didn't really expect that to all come flooding out but I think it had to. I'll respond to him, but with a level head so I can ever-so-politely point out the flaws in his thinking. When I post the emails I may omit a few words for privacy's sake. I just want you to see (with my notes interspersed) why this made my ass cramp. Because NOW he's talking down to me. ( Oh no, little boy - I gave you the opt out clause because I was seeing that we are very different. Your lifestyle is very important to you and I did not want to put you in a place where our conversations were competing with it. That's another thing on the door of greatness jackass - knowing when it feels like a good time to let someone opt out. Not because it wouldn't affect me, but because it could affect the other person more. It is a choice called being selfless for the benefit of another... not because XYZ told you that you had to be selfless to live there. Something in me was prompting me to write the email because I was pretty sure what the outcome would be. I am not surprised but might I suggest dropping the superiority angle. It makes me want to hit you. Hard.) Sorry - guess there's just more to come out. Anyway - it'll be here soon enough. Because you don't know him the way I did for many years, you may not get why it is so opposite and why I'm so irritated by some of the things he says. That's ok. You'll get the basics of it.

I'm just so pissed (no, really...) that he is trying to turn the tables on me. Truly, I'm craftier than he thinks. I could play that game for a very long time. Thing is, at this point, a twice a year email will be fine with me. I have little desire to attempt communication with him when he is just going to try to push these 'cultural' ideas into my head. It's not like a conversation, it's like reading excerpts from a book. Like it has been rehearsed. Still, maybe at the holidays I'd like to say hi and such. Sometimes bridges burn, sometimes someone straps on an assload of C-4. I'll know when we get there. On the bright side (not yet from the C-4 explosion), I did learn something valuable. Also, it doesn't mean that the same situation may not present itself again, it just means I will be a well informed girl.

I feel better now. Thanks.

You know how people toss around the word 'coincidence' when it most likely isn't?

Yep, that is where I am. I am finding things out left and right, seeing people I've recently been thinking of yet haven't seen in two years, narrowly making it out of potentially harmful situations and learning that I've been in some of those situations for years now without knowing. It's all coming down at once. I'm becoming suspicious of every little thing I think, do or say. I just want to greet everyone I see with a big Fuck Off! Thing is, I'd feel bad. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Unless I'm in 'mean mode' which is often brought about by dealing with jackasses, in which case - an extra serving of fuck off goes to you! Right now, there is nothing disabling going on. I have a feeling I may be dealing with more in the future, but that will be here soon enough and there is no reason to get into that now. I am trying to structure some things and get some things in order. The chaos around me takes it's toll. I have to get some things back to normal simply because I can't deal with the stress that the chaos brings. These are easy things - cleaning, organizing, etc. It does take alot out of me though because I just don't like being that involved in domestic crap. I can keep it neat, but when I'm in a phase and let shit get out of control, it is bad. And it takes more effort that I even think I have access to to right things. Well, I'm off to send a very blunt email. I'm realizing that I doubt I can be the person a friend of mine is used to surrounding himself with. I need to ask him up front. Honestly folks, although I think I have good qualities, the anger, doubt, bitterness and cynicism and Queen of Gloom and Doom with a side of Mean is primarily what is forefront. I don't make that decision. I start off rather opposite and this is what I become as a response. Thing is, he's made a comment about his ex wife being a very angry person and that he couldn't deal with it. That is not our relationship, but I think he might feel that he can bring me around. Sure, it might happen. But I think I will change when my life changes. Not when someone hands me a self-help book, utters a few cliches and figures I'll be all better. Just an example but you know what I mean. I don't want to continue pretending I'm the well-spoken, decently educated, understanding person that he sees me as. I mean, I am those things but I also swear like I get paid by the word, drip sarcasm, and although I know the pretty, shiny side of life is right here, I tend to be better acquainted with the darker side of it. I just think I need to say it up front. Yes, I'm a control freak - if someone is going to leave, I want it to be on my terms. But he truly has a very special place in my heart and I feel I owe him that honesty. He needs to know that for as sunny as his life is (and I am completely happy for him), my life does not exist in that glow. It may one day, but he has to know this. Kind of like informed consent for a friendship. Since I know how I am, this is no surprise to me - I don't think he really gets it, and it might be a real shock to him. I don't want him to find himself one day thinking that he's stuck with another angry person. Because I do value him as a friend, I have to say it. He's a big boy and I have to trust what he says in his reply. He will be honest as he has no reason not to. And again - he's very comfortable in his life so I don't pose any threat, honesty is kind of a given. Fuck. How do I get myself into this shit. And here's a perfect example, albeit a bit twisted, of how there is a kind, thoughtful person inside this bitchy exterior. I WISH that I didn't give two shits - but I do. Hmm. I wonder if I can have that surgically removed?...