I've been having one of those off days. Weeks. Ok, so it's been like two weeks. I just seem to be all thumbs in the physical as well as the mental realm. I'm not thinking; every single thing is just off. Good thing for me it's gotten to the point that I can just laugh and carry on. (I can, other people, not so much.)
You know how you have patterns when it comes to the simple things? Left sock then left shoe, (repeat on right) or first both socks then shoes. You know, easy things. So I ended up in the shower trying to figure out how I'd washed my hair (I knew I had the shampoo in my hand) yet somehow didn't wash my hair. Thing of it is, I've been so spacey that it took me somewhere between 2-3 minutes of hardcore detective work to piece it all together. I'd washed ME with the shampoo on my little scrubby thing. I think my autopilot is malfunctioning because it's these little things that are all going haywire. Easy, shampoo - hair; body gets the shower gel. Oh well, I didn't have time to shave my legs so I can take comfort in knowing the stubble is soft, shiny and manageable. And of course I did wash my hair (with shampoo) and rewash me with shower gel. Damn if it isn't those easy things that trip you up!
How many people do you know that stick their toothbrush in the toilet as a reaction to assist a drowning spider. Although this is the first time I've seen a big crunchy looking black spider doing a multi-legged backstroke, the idea that I abhor spiders should have registered leaving the only viable option as... flush. But no. I saved the little fucker and he was last seen briskly making a break for the linen closet. Which is beside my bedroom. I'm sure I'll sleep again, someday. Needless to say, that toothbrush is history.
But then again I'm not sure if I'll need a toothbrush again. Yours truly broke off about a third of the space-age polymer filling that was standing in until I have the crown process initiated next week. This is a rather large portion (about 1/4 of the entire surface) that gave in to the obvious relentless pounding I doled out when I was eating a piece of bread. Bread. Bread vs tooth? Logically, which wins? Aha, and they say there are no mysteries left!
Everything I reach for, I bash my hand into. When I try to speak, I sound like a nervous schoolgirl. Or like I've been drinking. Or worse, both. All pens run out of ink on my hand*, all stacks of paper tumble down like confetti. It really has gotten to the point where it is just plain funny. I'm sure it's just a phase that will end but until then, I don't mind finding humor in myself. Sometimes you just have to ride that awkward wave.
* Technically it was only one pen really, but you get the idea.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Laziness, needles, and leaving the truck by the roadside
Being that today was my day off, I had to do something within those hours that would make me tired, cranky and ready for another day off (which I wouldn't be getting), thus, it'd give me something to bitch about. In a nutshell, I was set up to help my mom move. Not a far move but one that involved furniture and two individuals that have bad knees, backs, etc. Anyway, up early I met her and we drove to the U-Haul lot to get the truck. Where she proceeds to have a breakdown. In my car. In the lot. Mere inches from me. Shit. So I told her we don't need to sit in the shadow of the looming trucks and rode off into the sunrise to have a talk. In the end, she didn't move. Who knows what next month will hold but I've paid her rent for the coming month. On the bright side, she has two interviews this week; she's been searching for a job for so long. Very peculiar morning. Meh, I didn't feel like moving crap anyway.
You know, this has no bearing on anything really, but I'm learning that I'm kind of a shitty friend. I mean it. In some ways, I rock. If I ever needed a good friend, I'd want 'me'. The problem is that I'm a lazy friend. That's hard to explain but it's the truth. I want to make the effort, I just have a hard time making it happen sometimes.
Oh... and I've decided what my next tattoo will be. I'm so excited! Here's the idea. A clock face with roman numerals, except the 7. The time will be set to 11p (might use military time as well to make it clear). That portion signifies the 'eleventh hour' theme in my life. In a mirror image that touches up against the first, all numbers will be backward (duh, mirror image) except the 7. That refers to my all encompassing duality. IF I feel like spending tons of money, I may make it look like an open pocket watch in which the chain is being carried up and away by, what else, a phoenix. Black and white, kick ass shading. Dude, I'm so into this. Now to figure out where to put it.
I like looking forward to something instead of always looking back.
You know, this has no bearing on anything really, but I'm learning that I'm kind of a shitty friend. I mean it. In some ways, I rock. If I ever needed a good friend, I'd want 'me'. The problem is that I'm a lazy friend. That's hard to explain but it's the truth. I want to make the effort, I just have a hard time making it happen sometimes.
Oh... and I've decided what my next tattoo will be. I'm so excited! Here's the idea. A clock face with roman numerals, except the 7. The time will be set to 11p (might use military time as well to make it clear). That portion signifies the 'eleventh hour' theme in my life. In a mirror image that touches up against the first, all numbers will be backward (duh, mirror image) except the 7. That refers to my all encompassing duality. IF I feel like spending tons of money, I may make it look like an open pocket watch in which the chain is being carried up and away by, what else, a phoenix. Black and white, kick ass shading. Dude, I'm so into this. Now to figure out where to put it.
I like looking forward to something instead of always looking back.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Helpful hint #171
When one purchases a new bra, it is wise to wear it for the first time on a day off. At home. Not within any sort of visual distance of any other human being lest you find at a very inopportune moment that it is really not meant to fit your body. Or perhaps anyone's body. That is, unless they like the multi-teat farm animal look that occurs when it rides up just far enough to push half of your breasts up over the wire and half of them under the wire. I assume it would have looked something like a flesh colored four leaf clover, minus the stem. But I never-so-gracefully just put them back where they belonged at warp speed while walking through the department so I never had visual proof. Yes, well.... note to self, as they say.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Some floods start from within
I don't want to talk about it. I recall the Indigo Girls saying something of the sort in a song years ago. The thing is, if I don't, this will all slowly kill me. Or perhaps not so slowly.
It has been a rough week. I found a letter from a guy that I had been so close to at one time. He was my first. And by that, I don't mean sex. Not that it matters but we never engaged. By first I mean he was the first guy I trusted. Well, after I learned that they shouldn't be trusted. We were inseperable until he moved to NYC. Anyway, this letter. He talked about seriously thinking about marriage, with me. To know his history, that means so much even now. But we were 19. Both of us had experienced things that any person beyond our years should never have to and there we were, two broken people that met in a new city within hours of our arrival. Finding this letter shook me for a multitude of reasons. I think I could find him through a website where some of his work (he's an artist) was featured but I don't think I can. Not now. If you knew everything, you'd understand.
But that was only a primer. I was going through the same box where I found this letter and found something else that has had me upset. Whew. I found a long forgotten letter and with it, two photos of the person who'd penned it. I saw the photos first; it had been so long that it took me too long to realize that it was my baby's father. It was all another tragedy in a long line. Like I said, I don't speak of these things. But to have him there looking at me sent me on a spiral of 'what if's. There are far too many and none of them played out. I wasn't prepared to see his face nor to imagine the other I never saw.
So the next day this is all circling in my head like vultures and I realize that I'd better watch every move I make lest I be too hasty. I can't often trust myself. Rightly so. All I can tell you is that clothing modification becomes old after a while. I've gone underground, so to speak. Oh sure, I'm strangely well-adjusted in some areas and am a star employee but what no one knows is that while I pleasantly carry on my responsibilities there is something very dark going on behind my eyes. For as much as I struggle to rise above, I also force myself to feel as much pain as possible, as if feeling it once makes it go away. It never does. It never has. But I keep trying. I'm becoming more creative but the bloodletting still goes on.
I know some of this is vague. Perhaps I'm the only one that knows what it means, but it's as close as I could come to getting it all out. Some things here could be taken several ways and that is fine with me, most likely intentional on my part. But just to say, although I was having suicidal urges a while back, I'm not suicidal now. I'm somewhere between wanting to make the pain stop and bringing on as much as possible because I somehow feel I deserve it and that it might be some sort of cleansing in the end.
But what can I say, I'm doing my best to hide the fact that I'm this fucked up at the moment. The one reason I don't want a full-on meltdown is because that puts me in a vulnerable position. But I'm scheduling a psych appointment ASAP. If I'm honest and tell them what I've been doing when I call, I bet I'll be on the couch within days, and he schedules almost a month out. I'm not as concerned as they'd be because this has been a pattern in my life for almost as long as I can remember. I know it's not normal but I'm not afraid of it, I just know it's not right. I can wait.
I've been listening to this. Surprisingly mellow. I'm all for the letting go part but don't expect anyone to be there. I guess you can't have it all.
Yeah, it's been a rough week.
It has been a rough week. I found a letter from a guy that I had been so close to at one time. He was my first. And by that, I don't mean sex. Not that it matters but we never engaged. By first I mean he was the first guy I trusted. Well, after I learned that they shouldn't be trusted. We were inseperable until he moved to NYC. Anyway, this letter. He talked about seriously thinking about marriage, with me. To know his history, that means so much even now. But we were 19. Both of us had experienced things that any person beyond our years should never have to and there we were, two broken people that met in a new city within hours of our arrival. Finding this letter shook me for a multitude of reasons. I think I could find him through a website where some of his work (he's an artist) was featured but I don't think I can. Not now. If you knew everything, you'd understand.
But that was only a primer. I was going through the same box where I found this letter and found something else that has had me upset. Whew. I found a long forgotten letter and with it, two photos of the person who'd penned it. I saw the photos first; it had been so long that it took me too long to realize that it was my baby's father. It was all another tragedy in a long line. Like I said, I don't speak of these things. But to have him there looking at me sent me on a spiral of 'what if's. There are far too many and none of them played out. I wasn't prepared to see his face nor to imagine the other I never saw.
So the next day this is all circling in my head like vultures and I realize that I'd better watch every move I make lest I be too hasty. I can't often trust myself. Rightly so. All I can tell you is that clothing modification becomes old after a while. I've gone underground, so to speak. Oh sure, I'm strangely well-adjusted in some areas and am a star employee but what no one knows is that while I pleasantly carry on my responsibilities there is something very dark going on behind my eyes. For as much as I struggle to rise above, I also force myself to feel as much pain as possible, as if feeling it once makes it go away. It never does. It never has. But I keep trying. I'm becoming more creative but the bloodletting still goes on.
I know some of this is vague. Perhaps I'm the only one that knows what it means, but it's as close as I could come to getting it all out. Some things here could be taken several ways and that is fine with me, most likely intentional on my part. But just to say, although I was having suicidal urges a while back, I'm not suicidal now. I'm somewhere between wanting to make the pain stop and bringing on as much as possible because I somehow feel I deserve it and that it might be some sort of cleansing in the end.
But what can I say, I'm doing my best to hide the fact that I'm this fucked up at the moment. The one reason I don't want a full-on meltdown is because that puts me in a vulnerable position. But I'm scheduling a psych appointment ASAP. If I'm honest and tell them what I've been doing when I call, I bet I'll be on the couch within days, and he schedules almost a month out. I'm not as concerned as they'd be because this has been a pattern in my life for almost as long as I can remember. I know it's not normal but I'm not afraid of it, I just know it's not right. I can wait.
I've been listening to this. Surprisingly mellow. I'm all for the letting go part but don't expect anyone to be there. I guess you can't have it all.
Yeah, it's been a rough week.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
There's just no telling, at least not without a surcharge
Interestingness.
So my stabbed friend wakes up yesterday and the first words out of his mouth are "Hows my hair?" Yes, really. Then again he was playing host to numerous sorts of pain meds at the time but it does sound like something he'd say anyway.
Did lose another friend; he thought he had the flu but ended up in surgery for about 30 minutes. Then they promptly sewed him up explaining that that he threw a blod clot that landed below his stomach. It rendered 80% of his digestive tract gangrenous, therefore, rotting. They gave him a slew of drugs including a hefty morphine cocktail and he never really woke up. Not fully.
There are parts of my life that I look at and wonder if I did the right thing, which is hard to do when you don't know the 'whys' of it anyway. Some of the other parts I'm sort of enjoying. Every now and then I feel like giggling like a schoolgirl. I figure that's either a bit of happiness or a whole lotta madness.
When people want out of your life they should need to inform you in writing. That way you aren't sitting around holding out hope for them or taking efforts where none are clearly wanted. Don't you agree?
I'm learning to realize that most of what I have, I have by choice. That when I have something going on that doesn't thrill me, I remind myself that I chose this. In some way, I chose it. It makes me more mindful. It helps me acknowledge my positives and negatives. Leaves me with no apology when I change at the drop of a hat. These are just my choices. Nothing more, nothing less. And who, may I ask, is anyone to judge them? By reminding myself that these are my choices, I truly see things differently. And I like it this way. It's an entire work in progress but I'm taking a new responsibility for my life.
It has nothing to do with resolutions. I can resolve to do anything I want on any given day and tend to not even remember to make one at the beginning of the year. It's not about a quick fix, I want to learn to be happy with what I've chosen, not what I've been given. There is a difference.
Anyway, pc access spotty for up to another 2 weeks. I'm trying to stop in to say hi across the board. All the best. Mwah.
Ah, and talk about things to make you happy? Matthew Good will be making an appearance in Cleveland. He makes me happy. I never really had such a sense of well-being until I went to that first show. Granted, that may sound overboard but if you read over that post, you'll understand. Now, I'll be able to see him again. It's almost humbling in a strange way. I can't explain it, he just makes me feel that for as wrong as things are, for this moment, this one moment, everything will be just fine.
So my stabbed friend wakes up yesterday and the first words out of his mouth are "Hows my hair?" Yes, really. Then again he was playing host to numerous sorts of pain meds at the time but it does sound like something he'd say anyway.
Did lose another friend; he thought he had the flu but ended up in surgery for about 30 minutes. Then they promptly sewed him up explaining that that he threw a blod clot that landed below his stomach. It rendered 80% of his digestive tract gangrenous, therefore, rotting. They gave him a slew of drugs including a hefty morphine cocktail and he never really woke up. Not fully.
There are parts of my life that I look at and wonder if I did the right thing, which is hard to do when you don't know the 'whys' of it anyway. Some of the other parts I'm sort of enjoying. Every now and then I feel like giggling like a schoolgirl. I figure that's either a bit of happiness or a whole lotta madness.
When people want out of your life they should need to inform you in writing. That way you aren't sitting around holding out hope for them or taking efforts where none are clearly wanted. Don't you agree?
I'm learning to realize that most of what I have, I have by choice. That when I have something going on that doesn't thrill me, I remind myself that I chose this. In some way, I chose it. It makes me more mindful. It helps me acknowledge my positives and negatives. Leaves me with no apology when I change at the drop of a hat. These are just my choices. Nothing more, nothing less. And who, may I ask, is anyone to judge them? By reminding myself that these are my choices, I truly see things differently. And I like it this way. It's an entire work in progress but I'm taking a new responsibility for my life.
It has nothing to do with resolutions. I can resolve to do anything I want on any given day and tend to not even remember to make one at the beginning of the year. It's not about a quick fix, I want to learn to be happy with what I've chosen, not what I've been given. There is a difference.
Anyway, pc access spotty for up to another 2 weeks. I'm trying to stop in to say hi across the board. All the best. Mwah.
Ah, and talk about things to make you happy? Matthew Good will be making an appearance in Cleveland. He makes me happy. I never really had such a sense of well-being until I went to that first show. Granted, that may sound overboard but if you read over that post, you'll understand. Now, I'll be able to see him again. It's almost humbling in a strange way. I can't explain it, he just makes me feel that for as wrong as things are, for this moment, this one moment, everything will be just fine.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Creeeeeeak...
Erm, anyone still here?
Ok, other than the crickets....
You? You're here? Fabulous!
Thank you all for the wonderful holiday and new year greetings! I've been away from my pc for, oh, something like 20, 30 days or so now? Yeah. Electronic DTs, lemme tell ya. Should get my pc set up again within a week or two at most so I can catch up.
Work is fine and I've been doing alot of it lately. Not that I'm complaining, because I'm not. Other than some basic crap, like an icky cold, I've been holding my own. No meltdowns through the holiday season... yay!
So very many things have been going through my head and if only I'd written them down, I'd have something to say here. Well, some I do remember and I will write about but they were just about human nature and how it can be such a bizarre thing.
On the down side, both a friend and an acquaintance of mine were stabbed a few days ago. Organs have been repaired and some removed and they are still in critical condition under constant sedation (drug-induced coma) to give their bodies time to heal. Send some good thoughts to Jason and Ray for me, will ya? They have just enough 'stubborn' in them to make it through but an extra good vibe here and there couldn't hurt. Thanks!
I will be writing more. To you. To me. For anyone that is interested in listening basically. I've found this need to dissect behavior patterns, truths, lies, and everything in between. Fascinating, really. So once I'm up and running again, you'll get to add your two cents (substitute any paltry monetary amount here). Well, once I've dusted off these cobwebs...
xoxo
Ok, other than the crickets....
You? You're here? Fabulous!
Thank you all for the wonderful holiday and new year greetings! I've been away from my pc for, oh, something like 20, 30 days or so now? Yeah. Electronic DTs, lemme tell ya. Should get my pc set up again within a week or two at most so I can catch up.
Work is fine and I've been doing alot of it lately. Not that I'm complaining, because I'm not. Other than some basic crap, like an icky cold, I've been holding my own. No meltdowns through the holiday season... yay!
So very many things have been going through my head and if only I'd written them down, I'd have something to say here. Well, some I do remember and I will write about but they were just about human nature and how it can be such a bizarre thing.
On the down side, both a friend and an acquaintance of mine were stabbed a few days ago. Organs have been repaired and some removed and they are still in critical condition under constant sedation (drug-induced coma) to give their bodies time to heal. Send some good thoughts to Jason and Ray for me, will ya? They have just enough 'stubborn' in them to make it through but an extra good vibe here and there couldn't hurt. Thanks!
I will be writing more. To you. To me. For anyone that is interested in listening basically. I've found this need to dissect behavior patterns, truths, lies, and everything in between. Fascinating, really. So once I'm up and running again, you'll get to add your two cents (substitute any paltry monetary amount here). Well, once I've dusted off these cobwebs...
xoxo
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