First and Amistad

If my pc were to go any slower, it would simply stop. And surely my head would pop. No rhyme intended. Just had to get that out.

Hopefully you're all doing well and enjoying. Doesn't really matter 'what' does it? Just enjoying. Yep, your happiness tip from the Queen of Happy over here. Ironic, no?

So let's see - what's been going on here. Found a kitten at the side of the road, far from anything - dumped. Brought him home and fed the poor thing and got him to the vet. I'm taking more pics tomorrow so maybe I'll post one... he's adorable. I'd like to find him a quality home. I'm out because he'll get underfoot and trip gram. Not cool.

Work is work. A vast array of double standards greet me at the door daily. Oh well. I'm there til I leave. My choice, unless we're talking layoffs. One thing I can say is that I know why I like working with men better. Women should just have knives instead of fingers to stab you in the back better. Not all are like that but I've noticed that when they get in a group, they are. It's just like watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom without narration. And the scenery.

Last week I went to my doc (one, anyway) and ended up being alone with one other patient and her young kids. The doc has no receptionist and just calls you in order. So this woman has fallen so far asleep that I'm watching her respirations becoming very slow and shallow. I tried to rouse her and she would only partially come aware then pass out. As I decided it was time for me to get the doc, she wen't into a full blown seizure. The kids stayed, one at each side for the moment it took for me to come back with the doc. We got her stabilized and he went back to his current appt, me staying to talk with her and keep her engaged. Of course I let her go first. That was one hell of adrenaline jolt and even after spend 5+ hours in his office, I was awake for hours that night. I often bitch that nothing goes easy for me but in this case, I'm glad I was there that long or that retelling may have had a very different ending.

There's a possibility that I may be up for a minimum of one procedure or even another surgery. Grand. And that's just in one category. (TMI alert ahead) Today is day # 32 of my period. 32. Straight. Cramps and PMS fluctuating, exhaustion aplenty. 32 is wrong. My body will no longer cooperate. Even when they give it drugs to force it into cooperation. Lol - stubborn through and through, that's me! I will do what I want when I want. I used to think that was all in the mental realm but we've crossed over to the physical being as well. Interesting in a way. Even my uterus is stubborn, hmmm. Then in a week and a half or something I have a referral to a cardiologist. I sort of want to cancel. They've done the CT scan, labwork, urinalysis, nuclear stress test and all are normal. Except the fact that they 'found something' on my lung which they want to recheck in 5 months. Whatever it is, it already is. Plus, they said it was not the cause of my chest pain/pressure and difficulty/pain on inspiration. Annnd. It's been just over a month since my first visit and I haven't fallen over blue. Of course the problem still exists. The cardiologist will want to order more tests, I'm sure. Most of my time before work is spent at Physical Therapy for my shoulder. Not really sure when I am supposed to fit all of this in. Plus add to it that my mental state is causing me to be rather indifferent to death.

But be proud, I made myself (yes, it felt like a chore) accept a 'dinner on the grill' invitation from some friends. Also made myself dress... in a dress! Cute rockabilly number, actually. And also went to my aunt's for a cookout today. Where I only got my ass grabbed once by my cousin's husband. *sigh* So is this progress?

So I blurted out some of the basics. You get the idea that I'm all over the board. But all that crap is out of the way now and there you have it. I've always been honest here and I suppose stopping now is just pointless.

And now, off to bed!
~

I'm supposing this will do as some sort of 'proof', no?

Kitty is suspicious. She thinks I may be dead or something. To be honest, I feel not too far off.

There was a time not so long ago that I would get on this box here and and just vent like hell. But every time I try to say something, I can't. I have failed drafts. They failed not because they weren't grammatically correct or brimming with pleasing prose - please. When did I ever worry about that? They failed because I'd end up hanging my head and quietly shut down the program.

I'm worn out. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't want to be me anymore and I'm struggling to maintain and not get lost in the possibilities. My health is kinda screwed but it typically is. Just facing some new stuff, that's all. My opportunity for an 'out' of my current position into a new one in my department has been slashed and is still lying at my feet taking its last breaths. I didn't do anything wrong - they chose me. Another pharmacist quit and this is just part of the trickle down effect. I used to be Eleventh Hour Girl. Lately I feel like Circumstantial Girl. Not a fan.

Seems the sobbing fits that take me down very dark roads in my mind are easier to find than this pc. I figure nobody wants to hear some other case of drama when everyone has their own these days. And I've lost the humor, so that really would make it a downer. I'm just pulling away into my own little world. Too much in my head.

Don't get me wrong, I miss your collective little worlds. I'll work on putting up a post. It may be brief but if I want to keep negativity out of it, that's my only option for the moment. I'm working on changing it but there is much I have no control over. Nonetheless, I'll work on a post.

Until then - the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup tonight. Yay.

My typing has never been stellar, but I'm pretty sure dead people's is even worse. More proof.