Ramblings of the weary

Sigh. Well, as it stands right now, I'm just going to sit here and ramble on to myself and save this as a draft. Don't know if this will actually make it to being posted but I'm a firm believer in 'How will I know what I think until I see what I say'. Someday I'm going to have to find out who it was that actually made that quote; I forgot long ago but the concept was so apparent to me that it stuck.

Thankfully the antibiotics are starting to work and although still sick, I'm pretty sure I'll make it. Other than that, it's all just a fuzzy, blurry mess. This lack of sleep thing is getting old. The new neighbors were banging around hammering nails into the wall at two in the morning. Even when they stopped, I couldn't sleep, so it's not all their fault. Oh well.

I've got to get to the store but can't seem to get motivated. There are so many things running through my head and it's got me mired. I'd like to just crawl back in bed and pretend it all didn't exist but seeing that I can't sleep, it's no use. So here I sit, wanting to make it all become clearer or go away but it doesn't work that way.

It would seem that I've been sort of backed into a corner of sorts. It feels like it's all wrong, yet I don't seem to have a sense of 'right' anymore. Pretty much just varying degrees of shittiness. In some ways, I suppose I just don't feel important to anyone. I mean other than a couple of family members. If I disappeared tomorrow, I really don't think anyone would give it much thought. That's not being said for sympathy (from the corners of my own brain or anyone else for that matter), it's just kind of the truth. How did things get this way?

Sometimes I think that's partially why I don't know whether to stay here or leave. It's just not going to matter if I feel like I don't matter. Being anywhere and feeling like you don't count isn't much of a boost. Merely existing isn't filled with tons of rewards, you know? Maybe I'm feeling empty. Come to think of it, that's a big part of it. I don't feel a part of anything anymore. Which makes me think that I must've felt that at some point in order to notice it's absence now. Hmm, I suppose that gives me something to consider.

> Alright, so it's been 48 hours since I wrote the above, which I've read over several times - told you I actually use this format to reread my own words in an attempt to figure things out. So, what have I figured out? Not much. But I did realize something that I think is very important. Other than the fact that eating 15 pounds of food in two days due to stress eating is really not the way to solve anything. Although it does boost the sales of antacids quite nicely... {erp}. I miss being around my family. Do they drive me crazy, test my last bit of sanity and make me want to run from them? Yes, but isn't that the main function of family? ;) But I did run from them (ok, so that was a by-product, not the goal) when I took this job in Pittsburgh eight months ago. My basic family unit is rather small and an integral part of my own identity. I didn't realize how much. See, I thought it was weird that they (for the most part) didn't 'get' me at all. But most other people really don't either, so why should they be any different? I think I was trying to make them fit into the mold of what I thought they should be (people that get me), not accepting them for what they are (people that don't get me) and in a sense, isn't my behavior and thought process just the same as what I felt I was battling against with them? Anyway, I'm missing that. Even if I end up back in the general vicinity, that really won't change. They are who they are just as much as I am who I am.

No wonder I get so tired - I never, ever stop thinking about things. And usually don't get anywhere with it all, either. I'm either too dumb or too stubborn to give up.

Time and time again

I look forward to every other week. One week gives me the break that I so desperately need from you, the other provides the time to spend with you that I crave.

There was a time when I thought there was a chance but careful scrutiny then redirected that thought. The possibilities scared me a bit; I could see the future.

Eventually, I've come to hang my head in defeat. Somehow it's as if you sense this and draw closer. If you only had an idea of what two minutes of your hands on me really does to me.

So after the inner turmoil, part of me still wants you, but I don't want to want you. And you simply don't want me. Or do you?

Like I said, I look forward to every other week but I've yet to determine which one.

Pet Peeve # 321

Let's get one thing straight. The word is through. As in, 'I went through the doorway', not 'I went threw the doorway'. Another. It's 'I miss you', not 'I miss ewe'. Well, unless you are speaking to a female member of the ovine species. Reading 'Eye no' as opposed to 'I know' is incredibly annoying and you deserve to be beaten with your keyboard.

It is neither cute nor clever. Unless you are 12 years old. Then, it may be clever - and only in reference to using the word 'ewe'.

In any sort of electronic communication, people tend to abbreviate where it makes sense. Fine, that's a different concept altogether. Even bypassing an 's' for a 'z' can be tolerated. Think friendz, guyz, you get the idea. But swapping one word for another is just plain aggravating and screams 'since I can't really be clever, I'll attempt to do so with my fascinating misuse and skewed interpretation of the language'.

Here's some feedback folks, it doesn't work! The only thing it accomplishes is that it makes me never want to set eyes on anything you write, ever again.

These sleep deprivation based hallucinations seem so real...

Wow. If I ever write a book (pamphlet, perhaps?) about all the oddball things that have happened to me, this latest one is sure to get honorable mention.

Just so you get the idea of where I am mentally let's keep in mind that in the past week I thought I was being burglarized, lost the 'quiet' I've had here for the past eight months, succumbed to bronchitis which robbed me of decent sleep due to all the coughing, then managed to sleep for one single hour last night. Needless to say, I felt like shit going in to work, then worked an hour and a half overtime; all I wanted to do was come home and sleep...

That should be your cue that something was amiss.

So I'm driving down Carson Street which is narrow, crowded, filled to overflowing with people and a hazard on a good day. It's the home to an extraordinary number of shops, restaurants, and bars. It's the latter two that are my concern on any Friday night so I typically take a parallel street for about 10 or 12 blocks until the sea of drunken madness subsides. But not tonight. Nope. It's 1:30am and I just want to go home and for some reason decide to go on Carson. In eight months I've only done that two other times on a Friday; that should say that my choice to go that way tonight was, well, just weird and really bizarre timing.

We're coming to traffic light number 984 and I glance in my mirror to see two guys on BMX-type bikes dodging traffic attempting to drive between opposing lanes of traffic. Annoying but typical. As I'm slowing down, Drunk Guy A on my side of the street sees his friend, Drunk Guy B on the other side of the street and yells to him. Drunk Guy B, being drunk and stupid, rushes headlong into traffic and right between the two guys on bikes. The first one makes it but the second one swerves to avoid Drunk Guy B. Then proceeds to slam, bike and all, into the side of my car with him flipping over the handlebars, his arm flailing about inside my window while I'm still moving! Who ever thinks they are going to get hit with a flying body?!?! Well, I'm here to tell you, don't rule it out.

As it would happen, there was a police officer right there and he made me pull up onto the sidewalk, detained the guys on bikes and ran down Drunk Guy B in the crowd. It was determined that they were ok and he noticed that my car was all marked up from the collision with the bike. I told him I didn't care about that so much as the guy that slammed into it. Thankfully he was ok but by that time I was considering choking the life out of them both. After knowing they were ok, more than anything, I wanted to avoid the officer asking for my driver's license... I do not have a valid license for this state, only Ohio. As a resident here, I'd be in big trouble for not having it as I was already cautioned on the subject during one of our lovely random DUI checkpoints. Then I'd have to explain why my car's plates are still from Ohio. Keep in mind, I was coming from work - no way I could say I was just visiting. Most people don't just hang out in hospital scrubs with a photo ID badge around their neck from the hospital down the street. Oh, there would be fines galore! Nope officer, things are just fine, no problems with the car, the scuff marks give it character don't you think, don't you worry one bit, thanks for your help, ok, I'm leaving now, see ya... whew!

You know, someone recently commented that strange things come my way. Uh, ya think? I'm pretty sure flying bodies fall into that category. So, after that adrenaline rush I probably won't get any decent sleep tonight either.

Oh the joys of being me. On the bright side, it saves one of you from having to do it!

I'm feeling GREAT!!! *cartwheel*

Um, yeah, I'm pretty much lying to you. I have enough pseudoephedrine in me that if I ingested bleach and turned up the temp in the room I'd be a walking meth lab. Anyhoo. I have a little story to tell. Now, one of you knows this tale already as you sort of lived it with me, but we'll let the others be surprised, eh? Come, sit for a moment, won't you, while I tell you a tale of great intrigue and mystery...

So. The other night (er, early morning to be correct) I came home from work and went through all the normal things one does when they get home from work. As luck would have it I even managed to catch a good friend on line. Somewhere just after two in the morning I had to cut our conversation a bit short temporarily. I think the conversation went something like this for a few moments: Us: blah, blah, blah Friend: Cool Me: No, not cool Me again: Someone is trying to get in my fucking house! Yeah, that's about when my heart tried to explode and exit through my ear. Know when you see people in movies trying to dial the phone when someone is breaking in and they are just staring at the door and fumbling with the phone? Ahem. Yep, that's pretty much how it happens folks.

Anyway, I'm calling 911 and the dispatcher is asking me repeatedly where I'm calling from. I told him the street address, town - all but the color of my friggin' mailbox but neglected to say 'Pittsburgh'. I think the problem was because I was on a cell (so what the hell is GPS for?!). So, after snapping at him in a rather shaky but obviously perturbed voice, I blurt out something that I'd hoped was in error. Nope, what I told him was true alright - the sons of bitches were now in my house, upstairs. This was not good.

I'll save you the string of obscenities I spewed at the dispatcher when he asked me what I deemed to be stupid questions. Just send a fucking car, will you?! You know, what happened to the nice ones that are supposed to comfort you when in the midst of a crisis? Guess they work a different shift, all I got was Dispatcher Bob Cranky Pants.

As I ended the call I began the back and forth game of Should I Stay and Wait for the Police or Run Out of the House Like My Britches was Burnin' and My Ass Was aCatchin'. Really alot to think about in those moments. They could've come down and broke my windows in. Or I could have gone out and their 'lookout' could have clubbed me over the head. Well, more likely just shot me. Anyway, after a very nervous wait, the police showed up. Three of them to be exact.

What happened next will be burned in my brain for a long, long time. Those three burly, well-armed men made their way up to the second floor and promptly, uh, flushed out my new neighbors. Heehee. {SNORT!} Oh come on! It was after two in the morning and I had no idea the place had even been rented! Last I talked to my landlord a few weeks ago, he said he wasn't going to hurry and rent it and still had to complete work. Given the fact that I live in a shitty neighborhood, have been alone in this house for +/- eight months, wasn't expecting anyone (let alone new tenants) and it was past two in the morning, which only lent to her having problems opening the locks in the dark, I think my emergency call was warranted.

Hooboy. So the new neighbors and I sort of all got a laugh out of it. She said the landlord promised to call me but was leaving for vacation so as it turns out, they didn't call til the next day; she thought I knew about the place being rented. They laughed their asses off when I told them that I'd already met the new neighbors and how.

So, they moved in today. Who knows where this little trip will take us.

Of coughing and having balls, which may or may not be related.

Hack, hack, cough, wheeeeeze.... gasp. Ok, all breathing operations are experiencing slight technical difficulty. The people I work with won't so much as share a thought at times but are more than willing to share their friggin' germs! Nice. So anyway, I'm home sick for two days gasping for air wishing I was at work nearer the oxygen tanks...

Anyway, someone brought this local job ad to my attention and I thought I'd share it with you. Gotta love the honesty!

Date: 2006-08-21, 9:59AM EDT

Yes this is the same company, posting the same job again.I see why the women I hired were looking for a job in the first place.

I need a woman to be my secretary and personal assistant. We are a small electrical contractor. You would be responsible for re-organizing our office to your taste, help make us more efficient, pay our bills, balance checking accounts, filing, faxing, expenses, data entry, determine total job costs on jobs we finish, opening and dealing with all mail, keeping office clean, helping occasionally with bids due, you handle all my personal bills as well, calling in our payroll, feeding the office cats when I am out of town, like I said, it is a secretary/perosnal assistant position.

Computer skills are a must, previous office experience a bonus, especially if it is with a construction company of any type.

If you have a new born baby you want to bring to work with its play pen, don't bother, if you have a jealous boyfriend who will get upset and make you quit if I take you to lunch with me instead of leaving you sit in the office by yourself, don't apply, if you do not have use of all 10 fingers, keep browsing, if you think you are going to steal from me, think again, if you are going to have a different excuse why you need to leave early every single day, lose this add, if you are going to be out drinking until 4 am and need 2 days to recover when I really need you, then get a job at a bar, if you are not going to show up for work, then avoid my calls, good luck keeping your next job, if you live 50 miles away, find something closer to your home.

I know I sound like a bitter old man, that is not the case, I am in my 30's, and I am just tired of people wasting my time. I am trying to run a business, not waste time with unreliable, irresponsible people, I am not a baby sitter. This is a very casual job, my office is my living room, you dress how ever you want, you can have the TV on while you work as long as you work, the hours are flexible, you have 2 cats to keep you company, I am very easy to get along with, I am just tired of women costing me time from the work I need to do with their lies, and lack of responsibility.

The job is typically Mon-Wed-Fri 8:30-4, but it is best at first that it be 5 days a week until you get settled in. These times are flexible to a point. An outgoing personality is a plus, because somedays I will be in the office with you all day, and I am a talker, other times you will not see me all week.

Please send me a resume of any type, either by email or faxing to xxx-xxx-xxxx and then please call me afterwards at my office- the number is also xxx-xxx-xxxx or my cell at xxx-xxx-xxxx Thank you- Xxxx

Poor guy must have been through the wringer with his previous hires! Yes, this is a real job ad here in the Pittsburgh area; someone I know very well has already corresponded with him regarding this position and said he seems rather nice, just tired of all the stupid people. Yeah, who isn't? I wish him luck and a huge pat on the back for having the balls to speak his mind!

My fruity serenade

Ah yes, my pre-work serenade. Bet you didn't know I had one on a regular basis, did you? Well, I do. Jealous? Don't be. It's just some idiot incessantly blaring their car horn for almost 10 minutes straight, barely giving it a second to come up for air. They do this several times a week. Yeah, people are great, are they not?

So, here's my question. You know how 'they' say that tarantulas come over (from Ecuador, as my banana sticker says) in bunches of bananas? Is that true?! Truth, lie, I don't care - it's unsettling. Especially since I don't like tarantulas OR bananas. But I've been trying to choke a few down lately because of their health value. And I'm too lazy to cook much. Bananas, not tarantulas. I can't help but to think I'm eating microscopic tarantula eggs (or however they come to be). That's just creepy.

Liking neither and talking about both - nice.

Boy am I in a nasty mood!

And for me to actually put that into words and state the obvious means that if you are within earshot, or generally a 100 foot radius, you should be rather wary of any movements I make. Like I've said before, when provoked, I'm like the antichrist but with a little less charm.

My day consisted of some disappointment, general hurt, betrayal, feeling not quite good enough (oh, and this wasn't imagined, this was something actually voiced!), sleep deprived, over worked, and generally shit upon.

So, what's a girl to do? Why, turn into a nasty-ass bitch, that's what. At one point, I almost started to cry. Then, it downright pissed me off that all this crap revolving around my job was making me feel that way; I resented it. Before I knew it I was in full Bitch Mode. Funny thing is, when I get to that stage, I barely speak. If I do, it's one-word answers spoken in a tone so low you have to strain to hear. If you push me, I will speak but you definitely won't like what you hear.

It was pretty much all I could do to not rip someone's head off. And then to have one of the culprits trying to be nice to you when all you really want to do is stab them in the fucking eye is just great. They know they hurt you and are trying to be nice. Nope. Not gonna work here, buddy. They are trying to redeem themselves (superficially) and bond with me while I'm getting more and more irritated, eventually calculating the best combo and dosages of cardiac meds that it would take to crush and mix with their beverage to have to call a code. Fucking bastards.

I said: look, I don't want to talk anymore. Not to you. Not now. I'm thinking: it would be a fine time to stop trying to joke around and acting like nothing is wrong. Something is very wrong and you are a part of it. Furthermore, do not patronize me. I'm on to you. You, who have knowingly hurt me, have no right to spend any more time in my head. But I'm sure you will. Because I can't discard you the way some people around here manage to discard others.

And, some fucking asshair cut in front of me and took the parking spot I was in the midst of pulling into. I thought, what the fuck, my car is 12 years old and a hell of a lot more solid than his... I should plow into him effectively shoving the back seat of his car up his ass. Saving grace? I didn't want to spill my frappucino or have to immediately shop for a new car. See, I still have some logic.

At this moment, I hate my job. I'm learning that people are so full of shit their breath smells. But I knew that. Let me tell you, if this new director doesn't get that place into shape, and soon, I'll be out of there. I mean, she can't stop people (even the ones in high places that I'm referring to) from being idiots and acting inbred but she damn well better try.

The people where I work blow dirty ass. Guess it's time to play hardball. Oh, I'll play alright. Best part is that they all think I'm so sweet, albeit a bit weird. They've got no fucking idea what goes on in my head. No idea what they are bringing out. I'd rather they don't, but if the gloves are off, I've got no ploblem then.

I'm ready to just get in my car with whatever I can pack and GO. Where? No idea. Maybe to where you are, hard to say.

Man I hate bad days at work.

Crank 'em up, turn 'em down!

A funny thing happened to me today. Well, not so much funny really as, well, I'm not sure what the word is. As much as its a bad thing, its a good thing. Kind of like the calm before the storm. No wait. That's not it at all; that's the opposite! Ok. You know how people say things get worse before they get better? Ok, yeah, kind of like that. (Look, I was born blonde - give me a break here!)

So I've been monitoring myself over the past few days and realized that I am just at odds with myself in just about every aspect. One moment I'm sweet and kind (yes, I do still have that ability) and the next I sound like I'm a finalist in the Tourette's Syndrome Quack-Off. I find that I start a conversation with a coworker about, uh, work, and soon find myself drifting off, babbling quietly about the merits of can openers and wondering aloud why Kojak always had that damned lollipop. Yeah. As you can imagine I've been getting alot of blank stares lately. Once the artful string of obscenities kicks in they tend to start backing away, too.

But. Here's the thing. I think I know why this is happening. It's apparently part of my mental molt, if you will. I'm preparing for a morph of sorts. It's always rockiest near the end of the morph, when the new entity is emerging (think nature, not horror movie) and has some sort of awareness of the changes going on. Of course, I hope I'm not morphing into the All Time Champ of the aforementioned Quack-Off, but hey, it's still hard to tell. It's all part of a change. One part is sort of dying off and a new part is learning that it has to take over. There's bound to be internal conflict, right?!

Although you may be thinking I've lost whatever sanity was lurking in the recesses of my mind, this actually makes sense to me. I'm trying to back off and not even figure out exactly which part is relinquishing control and which is trying to take the reins because it's not for me to know yet. It's the process of it all, not an event. If I simply let these things battle it out without intervening, just accepting it as part of whatever is going on, I think I may be able to weather this with fewer damages. Think of it like this; you wouldn't stick your hand in to separate two dogs fighting - you'd wait until it was safe.

Perhaps it's so hard now because I'm trying to force something that I know nothing about. My role should begin soon enough.

I'll still make you all proud in the Quack-Off though, promise! =)

Monkeys - in a long line...

Did you ever stumble upon something that, once you read it, it gives you some sort of clarity that you forgot existed? Well, I just experienced it. Not that it fixed my life, nor can it fix yours, but sometimes people have a way of communicating and it sheds new light on things.

Anyway, what I'm babbling about is something written by Matthew Good. For anyone that knows me well enough, I don't even have to state just what I think of this man. He's actually the reason I have a blog at all. Seriously. (Don't send him nasty-grams over that fact, please.) As with all blogs lately, I've slacked off and haven't kept up to date with his. After checking in today, it would appear that he is going through an emotionally tumultous time and in doing so, has shared some of his thoughts.

Now. I could sing (no pun intended) his praises at this point but I'll refrain. Visit MatthewGood.org and he will do that all by himself. But what I would like to do is copy his posts here. If you don't read, I won't be offended, I just think that it gives alot to consider, that's all. And if you want even more to think about, definitely go to the blog; it is far more than a music blog.


Wealth

When you are remembered, even if just among a handful of family or friends or acquaintances, let it be for your decency. Know that all of us have faults, and that while we have had it drilled into us that we must endeavor to overcome them, that they are an intrinsic part of who and what we are. To despise such a real and natural part of ourselves only produces prisons of denial, and thus cities, nations, and continents of inmates.

We might be strangers you and I, but at what point does that deter our shared emotional realities from being exchanged? We all feel the same things, and yet the thought of honestly and openly conveying our emotions is seen as personal treason.

I remember it like it was yesterday. She leaned into the mini-van in which the band was waiting to return to the hotel. She grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes, and thanked me for saving her life.

She was a complete stranger.

I had no idea how to react. I sat there in stunned silence as she quietly cried and smiled at me, my one hand firmly held between her two. It seemed as though hours passed between us, her standing silently on the curb, me awkwardly sitting in the seat nearest the door, my feet swung onto the running board, my bag in my lap.

And then, just as suddenly as it had happened, she dropped my hand, stepped back, security closed the door, and the van sped away.

I never saw that woman again, but on that night I became the wealthiest man in the world. And were I to have never written another note, sang another syllable, penned another story, or known another day, I would no doubt still perish from this earth contented.

Wealth is not measured by the size of houses, the speed of cars, the price of handbags, the trendy eateries and lounges frequented by celebrities, or the purity of the drugs that those who consider themselves fashionable funnel up their noses. That sort of wealth can be attained by simply being born the son or daughter of financially wealthy parents, climbing dirty ladders, or marrying someone.

Our acts determine our true wealth.

When someone says that they love you, and you know that they mean it to their very core, that there is no doubt in any cell in your entire body that they are unconditionally sincere – then you are wealthy. There is no question that, for a time, financial wealth can secure the placebo of love, but it cannot create it. It cannot manufacture true love, just as it cannot ensure or secure happiness. To give ourselves to others openly and honestly, and to conduct ourselves with integrity and concern for the feelings of others, even if complete strangers, represents the sum total of our riches.

As I sit here looking out the window, lost in the haze of twilight, memories, and the talons of despair, I see a city filled only with poor people.

And I wonder how that happened.


After writing that, there was a flood of comments. His response?...


Comment by Matthew Good on August 5, 2006 2:21 pm
I want to sincerely thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and support. To have fans like you is beyond the wildest dreams of what people in my profession hope for and I am truly blessed that I have had such a long-term, supportive group of people with which to share my work, thoughts, and life.

The last six months have been fraught with severe anxiety and sadness (I was, in fact, admitted to hospital in Kingston for nervous exhaustion – which is the real reason why those shows got cancelled). I was powerless throughout that period of time, having to learn to live with one person’s almost adolescent indifference regarding something that I have always considered one of the most solemn and serious commitments in the world. I would have liked to have sought professional help, but that wasn’t something that was an option. And as the months progressed everything slowly slid further into a dark fog from which I have so far been unable to emerge.

It’s difficult to wake up in the morning and think beyond the confusion and tension that grips me on a daily basis. I know that it will one day subside, perhaps not entirely, but were I to impart any advice to you given my experience – make sure that love is real. Test it to its limits and ensure that it is not something that another views as easy to walk away from, as if little more than an uncomfortable handshake. There are those that would claim to love you and at the same time claim they need space – know that that is not a sign of true love, but only one person’s inability to simply be honest and straightforward, to admit that their understanding of love is limited towards you. True love lost, or the loss of love at all, is not something replaced within a year (let alone found anew in a matter of a few months with someone of, not ironically, financial wealth). And if someone that has claimed to love you can so easily abandon their feelings and look to secure greener pastures with little regard for the heart, then they were never to be trusted in the first place.

But most importantly, never forget that it is not your fault that it has happened, but rather their immaturity and selfishness that has ultimately been fully exposed.

I am not so jaded to think that people can’t endeavor to change, or to right those wrongs committed, but it is so rarely done these days that to expect it, or even hope for it, is usually time and energy wasted. But that should never deter us from wasting a little time now and then.

I wish nothing but happiness for all here, and even for those who will never come again.

Again, thank-you all for your kind words and support.


Something about what he wrote and the words he chose really made me think. I've got plenty to think of already lately but this may help put a different spin on things. Occasionally we need a new view because it is all too easy to get caught up in our usual patterns of thought.

If you've read this far, I hope that something in his words spoke to you in some way, whether to solidify what you already know or to give you more to think about.

I've watched you change

Unless you are from bizarre realm, I think you'll be able to identify with this. Or, if I'm the one from the bizarre realm, you won't. Either way.

I'm experiencing one of those times in life when absolutely nothing is right. What was right five minutes ago is now wrong. What I once thought was wrong, perhaps a few days ago, is not right again. The effort to keep up is futile yet out of stubbornness I try. It's not completely unlike some TV gameshow only I have a better theme song for it. It's almost as if this song is running through my veins lately. Cheery theme song, no; better theme song, yes.

Another peculiar aspect of this time is that I find I'm drawing away from the people that I once found some sort of comfort in. Kind of like I'm distancing myself from the inevitable.

So, here I sit, forming a nice protective bubble around me in an attempt to salvage something before it all leaks out into the ether. Just one problem with that plan... it sucks, too! Doing a temporary shutdown seems reasonable but not plausible because, well, life still goes on.

How is it possible to feel too much and not enough all at the same time? Have the drive to change things then pull away? Instead, I start telling everyone to fuck off (if not in words, in actions) so there is distance. When things go down it won't be pretty. I don't like to be seen that way. Plus, if I separate myself now, the realization of the loss of them may not hit quite as hard. Think of it as prepwork.

Or borderline psychosis. Meh, hard to say, really. Still sucks though. But things always rebuild. Until then, I'll just sit here - wings pulled off.

Ohhhh, the wheels on the bus go round and round...

Well, ok, so I have a car not a bus, but the wheels still go round and round. Er, hopefully. I've got a good four hours of straightening up, packing and general 'getting ready' to do plus ideally eight hours of sleeping to add into the mix and only approximately nine hours to do it in. Before I leave for Ohio, I mean. Something tells me that the sleep portion will suffer. Meh, what am I gonna do this late in the game? Right? Right! Oh, I know... write a post! Yes, taking more time away from what I should be doing will be just the thing to make everything flow smoothly. I never was big on time management. Does it show?

So. There's this thing that has been bugging me. Now, if I end up offending anyone with what I am about to say, too bad. I really don't care. (Yeah, I never attended finishing school either; shocking, isn't it?) Alright. I know it's summer here and the temperature has been hovering around that of the foyer in Hades, but still, does that really give license to wear 'almost clothes'?

My guess is that many guys are all for this 'fashion' trend - and I use the term loosely. About as loose as it makes the females wearing it look. The trend appears to be as follows. Go to your local thrift shop and find a nice wide belt circa 1984. Take said belt home, hem it up a bit... and wear it as a skirt. This look is often completed with a stunning pair of Hoochie-Mama shoes with fake wooden wedge heels from the local discount store. Although I find all the teetering on the four inch wedge heels kind of amusing, what I don't find funny is the ridiculous length (or lack thereof) of the skirt. Unless you are playing tennis and it's acceptable to boldly show your undergarments, this is seriously out of place. Tennis skirts are conservative compared to these!

I have nothing against short skirts but I do think there is a limit. When it resembles more of a belt than an actual article of clothing it becomes tacky. I'm at least grateful for the chubby girls wearing them because I can see that they are well filled out and I'm in no danger of catching glimpses of things I shouldn't be seeing. Now, the skinny little girls, they scare me. Not enough to fill in the skirt, wobbly heels, add in a few drinks to accentuate the lack of balance, she drops her purse and look out world! My eyes! My eyes! It's peculiar to think that I could, in theory, get further just driving past a stranger on my way home from work than on a date with a guy. Then again, I haven't been on any dates lately and I'd hope he wouldn't be wearing a skirt. Sorry - different post entirely, that one.

They just look awkward. I think I'd feel like I was just in my underwear or something. I suppose it just irritates me that when I'm driving home at one in the morning, trying to dodge the drunks, some little piece of fluff comes tottering out of a bar and gets my attention, taking my eyes off the road because I think the poor thing is half naked and trying to stumble to safety. In the end, it would appear that she is just a victim of the 'shitty dressing gene' and may in fact not own a mirror.

Damn them.

Ok, this is rich...

Last Friday I took a day off work to go to Ohio but ended up not going because of the flooding. Left to cover the shift was the other guy I normally work with (he's been there about seven weeks) and they called in another person with approximately the same amount of experience as him to cover for me. Both more than capable to cover things for a night with the help of the Pharmacists. So, I get there today and was met with all this panic and jumbles of words thrown at me. Once the cacophony quieted, I learned of the problem... my absence. It would seem that when the Saturday morning crew came in there were orders for meds laying strewn all over the counters that were never filled. Med orders! Not filled! In a hospital! So who do they tell... me! See, it would be too easy to tell the people that didn't do the work. Oh no, that's just not a viable option. They tell me. Me. I wasn't even there!

Oh wait. That's their point, isn't it? I have a suspicion that I'm going to have to BEG for days off from now on. Sometimes doing your job well does have a bit of a down side.

On the bright side, tonight I took on our tempermental med pre-packing machine head on. (You know, the one with no operator's manual.) It gave quite a load of shit that ended in numerous rolls of tape gluing themselves together, meds being crushed, said crushed meds burning on hot rollers and the eventual shut down of the job. Heh. Little did the machine know that the Queen of Stubborn was at the helm. I fixed it! I fixed it! I fixed it! As a bonus, I sustained no electrical shocks, crushed digits, nor was there any blood shed.

Damn, I rock.

Pass the gin*

So. Perhaps you're wondering why I've asked you all to gather here today. To be honest, I'm asking myself the same thing. Without knowing when or how it happened, I've turned into one of those people that really just bitch about all the shitty things going on in their life. My apologies. Funny thing is, if I told you the 'good' things, it would be even more of a snoozer. The list might read something like this: Didn't get run over by a car today. Ate food. Took a shower without drowning. Picked up my mail - no bills, yay. Put flea prevention medication on my cat. Only sustained 2nd degree burns from the interior of my car, not 3rd. See what I mean? I mean, those are all grand things, don't get me wrong, but when everything else is less than stellar, it's kind of sad when those are the highlights of your days.

Last weekend I was supposed to go home. Due to excessive rain, the entire area is flooded and now a state of emergency; FEMA has intervened. My aunt had to be rescued from her house. They are safe albeit soggy and unsure. So I stayed home; there was nowhere for me to go. And of course I felt more separated and helpless. Not that there was much I could have done if I actually would have been there. I have not yet been able to add 'making flood waters recede' on my resume thus far.

So, maybe this weekend. Do I want to? Yes. Let me ask again. Ahem. Do I want to? No. Part of it is just that it's always a bittersweet thing as anyone who has moved away from family/friends knows. Especially when you are by yourself. Makes sense, right? Well, this might also be the weekend we put Benny to sleep. It's been going that way for a long time and it just can't keep dragging out. The day before I'd leave, I'm scheduled to have the second root canal finished, which may add some pain in the mix. And don't forget the magic of combining hellish temperatures and extreme humidity with PMS. I should be happy to go. And I am. Sort of.

See, pretty much everything is fucked up here. Yes, shocking, I know. Months ago, I made the decision to quit my job here and go back to Ohio, remember that? I was sure it was the best choice. Then things changed. I set my mind on staying here, making the best of it, using the opportunity and possibly going back to school. Things went well for a few weeks, then it all just went nuts. Every door I try to open/close is wedged in some stuck position that lets me see the possibilities but, well, there's obviously something in my way. My apartment search has been draining and less than fruitful. Well, I did find one I really liked. Then learned it was a funeral parlor in years past. Uh, no thanks. My job is taking a turn back into 'sucky' territory. I will not bore you with the details of those things, but it's really interesting how there can be so many obstacles.

In the mean time, I'm still living in two places. Most of my mail goes to Ohio then has to be sent to me. I have an Ohio drivers license, which, if I'm caught with it, I'm in trouble. I have no bank here in Pittsburgh - yep, still in Ohio. I didn't change things immediately so that I could see how things would work here. Fairly sensible, I thought. Now somehow, it's like I'm in this cycle between one place and another in so many ways. One thing plays on the next, so there isn't a way to just pick one thing and start there. Not yet, anyway.

Do I want to go up for the weekend? Yeah, I do. But I have to say, it makes me a bit edgy. Ok, edgier. Thing is, after the weekend is over, I still have this weird situation to face. In two weeks, I'll have been here eight months. Eight. Oh, and how far I've come. Not. You know, it's similar to a suspended animation sort of thing. Don't misunderstand, I'm not having a pity party. I'm actually trying to decipher everything that is going on and make some sense of it. That's what all this crappy, ultra self-centered posting is about. It's the best I can do.

But in doing that, I've been consumed by it. I've forgotten how to write anything that might be remotely interesting or witty. For that, I'm sorry. For you. For me. Maybe another day, just not today.

* I don't even drink gin. Go figure.