I am waiting for test results. I don't know if I ever mentioned anything about it. Back in May I learned that I'd need to follow up with a retest to see if there have been any changes. For reasons I'll disclose at a later time (read: a few days) truth be told, I'm kind of scared. This kind of 'scared' made me realized that not much in life scares me anymore and I'm out of practice.
Some sort of results will be given to me Monday although I have no idea what to expect. It would be great if this would be one of those times where I have some weird malady and get every test in the world only to find out it's all normal.
Keep you posted.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
There are so many things I could say right now
But I'm going to wait just a bit longer. Not that it'll be much different, I've just had too long a day as it is. And miles to go before I sleep... isn't that how it ends?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
My neurons, starring Marilyn Manson
She was the color of TV
Her mouth curled up just like a metal snake...
(Valentine's Day, Marilyn Manson; Valentine Soundtrack)
Her mouth curled up just like a metal snake...
(Valentine's Day, Marilyn Manson; Valentine Soundtrack)
Perhaps that is one of the reasons I've sort of taken to the formerly despised act of shopping. It makes me feel normal. Like I find some comfort in it now because its what I think normal people do. I see them shop. They look normal. None of them are hiding in a corner by the dog food trying to superglue their asshole shut. Not one of them stares at the light bulbs fighting back the urge to grab onto a couple and crush them bare handed just to see what it feels like. They seem happy shopping. So I've been doing it for a while now and it isn't so bad. I get lost in it, but of course, I'm fairly frugal. But I've found a way to blend. I remember a headshrinker told me many years ago to 'fake it til you make it', meaning that even when you don't want to smile, if you force yourself to do it enough, it will become second nature and then before you realize it, you'll be smiling intentionally. So I emulate these so-called normal folk. I sure as hell hope they aren't using the same method I am. (Make no mistake, I still detest grocery shopping. It makes me physically ill and eventually violent until I want to smash jars, scream like a child and piss on the frozen corn. Good for the corn at least I'm a girl and can't aim that high.) So for now I will shop. And hope the normality sinks in, a miracle of the mundane.
There is something in my head that needs a little fixing but I don't know how. I gradually went off my meds full-on for about a week. There was no downward spiral. Now that I am reintroducing I am getting an upward spiral. Which is the same thing I would expect a downward spiral to be except it is with drug reintroduction, not the decrease/elimination of. So it isn't positive. I was hoping a short break would level me out but not so much. Perhaps the timing was not right. I'm continuing back to my normal dose.
There are so many self realizations occurring that I really feel I should put it down on paper when I become aware of it because my memory is dodgy at best. Unfortunately I couldn't risk it. They would find a place for me where they put corn pissers with their assholes glued shut. So life just gets a little stranger.
Even though it was alive some of us are really born to die...
(Valentine's Day, Marilyn Manson; Valentine Soundtrack)
Saturday, January 09, 2010
For Absenteeism, press '1'
I don't have a slip, excuse or note to explain mine. Not officially anyway. I will wish you all a happy new year, which I figure doesn't have to have caps due to the fact that it was over a week ago. My blog, my rules.
Hopefully yours have collectively started well. Mine ended shittily and started shittily. Maybe overwhelmed is a better word. Either way it is kind on par for me. As for 'shittily' - again, my blog, my word.
One thing that comes to mind is that I have made an actual effort to make myself more available to a good friend of mine. I had pulled away so far that I thought it was all done and over but it isn't. It takes more effort than I sometimes feel I have but yet I do it. Because I want to, yes, but I think that if I don't it will just pave the way for me to drop out completely.
So here it is entirely too cold. Just before the new year the snow/wind/cold machine went into overdrive. I think it is 12F/~11C out there now sans wind chill. Other than giving the excuse that I may actually be frozen in place, why do I live here and endure this? Granted, there are places that are much worse but this isn't a contest - this sucks enough. And why don't those people move, anyway?
I don't know anything yet I know too much. What I desire to know evades me while I cannot rid myself to the things that haunt me. But to help settle all that chaos, I must proudly announce that I have a new phone. The evil Blackberry is sitting, uh, well, I don't know really where it is now. But I got a Sony Ericsson Equinox. Google if you wish. That switch was a great stress reducer.
The only question I have now is 'do I bullet the entries or run them all together'. I opted for the latter, less daunting. When I haven't posted in a while, I always update you on the goings on here. True to form and in no particular order... well, my cat Bella is actively dying which is terrible to deal with, and leads into the fact that I still have the almost nine month kitten living on my enclosed (but not heated) patio - no takers yet and he can't be in the house harassing Bella so I've made warm houses for him but for shits sake, his water freezes it's so cold! He likes his warm house (truly warm) but has a serious defecit when it comes to socialization - I hate this. I had a bizzare account where I felt pain, tingling and decreased range of motion in my left arm along with a non-trauma related, actively bleeding bruise on my arm the size of a grapefruit. Lasted about two weeks but all tests say 'normal'... um, suuuure. Which oddly led me to the next thing. I just learned that I need joint replacement surgery. Seriously - my knee. I'm 39! I am bone on bone - no cartilage in the medial compartment. Because of other meds I can't really do anything for the pain. My car's wheel just locked up again last night like it did back in March when I ground my tire down to the metal tread. It cleared then froze up again this morning. I don't have time for this shit when they told me it was a 'total fluke' last time. I don't want to look for another car in the winter. My attitude is increasingly unstable and I have done a 180 at work. I do my job and stop. I have been taken advantage of long enough. And that is precisely what it is. Now I am assigned to the single most lazy, foolish, manipulative, chauventistic, and did I mention lazy pharmacist in the region. He plays dumb just to get people to do his work. (Never said he was dumb.) I spend most days trying not to speak lest something utterly foul come out of my mouth. Mom is still not working. My horrible attitude is causing a rift between my grandmother and me. It saddens me but I dont' know what to do. She is in no way guilt-free but I'd say 80% of the changable portion is my fault. I can no easier change what is going on in my head than you can spontaneously change your eye color. Oh, and the Trigeminal Neuralgia came back for several weeks; just tapering off meds now. And I got cute new specs which the eye folks promptly fucked up, then 're-fucked up' until I had them (wrong script/astigmatism) on my orbs for almost six weeks. That hurts the orbs, really. A very, very good friend of mine's daughter is having a baby in two months. I already sense myself distancing myself. Our relationship is changing as I write this because of her daughter's pregnancy. If you could ask her right now she would tell you that she will devote everything to her daughter and the baby. I think some of it is really overboard on her part but who am I to give an example of normality? I know she senses that something is different between us on a beginning level but is kind of confused. When she asks, I will be honest with her. I know I'm losing her to this situation and it is easier on me to start now. I need to get the mindset. Will she still be my friend, yes. But on a lesser level. It is just the way this will go. I know her and I know me. I expect this from her in the same way I expect this from me. It is the way things will go. And today I received a letter asking me to fill out a questionnaire for summons to jury duty. WHAT?! That would most likely send me into an anxiety attack because I am not reliable as far as making decisions of that nature. The meds help, they don't fix. I'll either be yelling kill the son of a bitch or they'll be calling an ambulance because I'm clutching my chest out of panic from the idea of making the wrong decision. Or that I've taken the nearest reasonably sharp object. Honestly, that situation is one that could get me utterly rocked off my block. I don't expect them to understand mental illness, but I have a fairly keen grasp and I won't put myself through an experience that could have dire circumstances, mentally and emotionally. They've given me three days to return the form yet how am I supposed to obtain a letter from my doc that quickly (as they ask you to do if there is a reason you feel you cannot serve) to explain? I've decided I'll fill it out and send it to them and if they want more info, they can contact me. My life, my rules.
I suppose I really don't have an adequate phrase to sum up my level of frustration at this time. My thoughts of just being able to cease being have never left. Perhaps because most things are a struggle and I've become a tired, tired girl. And one who is gaining weight. Stress eater here, and when I control it during the day, I eat in my sleep at night. I'd hoped to take some time and got to a Pens home hockey game with a girl from work but with my car in the shop I just don't know if I can afford the tickets now. I really need the time away - for fun. I just don't think it's happening.
Happily though, I remembered that they make Coconut Creme coffee creamer and although it doesn't make my life as ideal as a sappy commercial, it comes close on some days. =)
That is what I know for now. I'm afraid there isn't anything more exciting but I'll be hopping around to visit later. I hope that each of you are well.
~
Hopefully yours have collectively started well. Mine ended shittily and started shittily. Maybe overwhelmed is a better word. Either way it is kind on par for me. As for 'shittily' - again, my blog, my word.
One thing that comes to mind is that I have made an actual effort to make myself more available to a good friend of mine. I had pulled away so far that I thought it was all done and over but it isn't. It takes more effort than I sometimes feel I have but yet I do it. Because I want to, yes, but I think that if I don't it will just pave the way for me to drop out completely.
So here it is entirely too cold. Just before the new year the snow/wind/cold machine went into overdrive. I think it is 12F/~11C out there now sans wind chill. Other than giving the excuse that I may actually be frozen in place, why do I live here and endure this? Granted, there are places that are much worse but this isn't a contest - this sucks enough. And why don't those people move, anyway?
I don't know anything yet I know too much. What I desire to know evades me while I cannot rid myself to the things that haunt me. But to help settle all that chaos, I must proudly announce that I have a new phone. The evil Blackberry is sitting, uh, well, I don't know really where it is now. But I got a Sony Ericsson Equinox. Google if you wish. That switch was a great stress reducer.
The only question I have now is 'do I bullet the entries or run them all together'. I opted for the latter, less daunting. When I haven't posted in a while, I always update you on the goings on here. True to form and in no particular order... well, my cat Bella is actively dying which is terrible to deal with, and leads into the fact that I still have the almost nine month kitten living on my enclosed (but not heated) patio - no takers yet and he can't be in the house harassing Bella so I've made warm houses for him but for shits sake, his water freezes it's so cold! He likes his warm house (truly warm) but has a serious defecit when it comes to socialization - I hate this. I had a bizzare account where I felt pain, tingling and decreased range of motion in my left arm along with a non-trauma related, actively bleeding bruise on my arm the size of a grapefruit. Lasted about two weeks but all tests say 'normal'... um, suuuure. Which oddly led me to the next thing. I just learned that I need joint replacement surgery. Seriously - my knee. I'm 39! I am bone on bone - no cartilage in the medial compartment. Because of other meds I can't really do anything for the pain. My car's wheel just locked up again last night like it did back in March when I ground my tire down to the metal tread. It cleared then froze up again this morning. I don't have time for this shit when they told me it was a 'total fluke' last time. I don't want to look for another car in the winter. My attitude is increasingly unstable and I have done a 180 at work. I do my job and stop. I have been taken advantage of long enough. And that is precisely what it is. Now I am assigned to the single most lazy, foolish, manipulative, chauventistic, and did I mention lazy pharmacist in the region. He plays dumb just to get people to do his work. (Never said he was dumb.) I spend most days trying not to speak lest something utterly foul come out of my mouth. Mom is still not working. My horrible attitude is causing a rift between my grandmother and me. It saddens me but I dont' know what to do. She is in no way guilt-free but I'd say 80% of the changable portion is my fault. I can no easier change what is going on in my head than you can spontaneously change your eye color. Oh, and the Trigeminal Neuralgia came back for several weeks; just tapering off meds now. And I got cute new specs which the eye folks promptly fucked up, then 're-fucked up' until I had them (wrong script/astigmatism) on my orbs for almost six weeks. That hurts the orbs, really. A very, very good friend of mine's daughter is having a baby in two months. I already sense myself distancing myself. Our relationship is changing as I write this because of her daughter's pregnancy. If you could ask her right now she would tell you that she will devote everything to her daughter and the baby. I think some of it is really overboard on her part but who am I to give an example of normality? I know she senses that something is different between us on a beginning level but is kind of confused. When she asks, I will be honest with her. I know I'm losing her to this situation and it is easier on me to start now. I need to get the mindset. Will she still be my friend, yes. But on a lesser level. It is just the way this will go. I know her and I know me. I expect this from her in the same way I expect this from me. It is the way things will go. And today I received a letter asking me to fill out a questionnaire for summons to jury duty. WHAT?! That would most likely send me into an anxiety attack because I am not reliable as far as making decisions of that nature. The meds help, they don't fix. I'll either be yelling kill the son of a bitch or they'll be calling an ambulance because I'm clutching my chest out of panic from the idea of making the wrong decision. Or that I've taken the nearest reasonably sharp object. Honestly, that situation is one that could get me utterly rocked off my block. I don't expect them to understand mental illness, but I have a fairly keen grasp and I won't put myself through an experience that could have dire circumstances, mentally and emotionally. They've given me three days to return the form yet how am I supposed to obtain a letter from my doc that quickly (as they ask you to do if there is a reason you feel you cannot serve) to explain? I've decided I'll fill it out and send it to them and if they want more info, they can contact me. My life, my rules.
I suppose I really don't have an adequate phrase to sum up my level of frustration at this time. My thoughts of just being able to cease being have never left. Perhaps because most things are a struggle and I've become a tired, tired girl. And one who is gaining weight. Stress eater here, and when I control it during the day, I eat in my sleep at night. I'd hoped to take some time and got to a Pens home hockey game with a girl from work but with my car in the shop I just don't know if I can afford the tickets now. I really need the time away - for fun. I just don't think it's happening.
Happily though, I remembered that they make Coconut Creme coffee creamer and although it doesn't make my life as ideal as a sappy commercial, it comes close on some days. =)
That is what I know for now. I'm afraid there isn't anything more exciting but I'll be hopping around to visit later. I hope that each of you are well.
~
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