Sunday, March 27, 2011
I, the shit-stirrer
Wow. I am a total shit-stirrer. And I didn't even mean to be, really. Not that I care, I'm just saying it wasn't intended. I came across this quote on a ratty bumper sticker, on a dirty Jeep, while in line at a fast food restaurant drive-thru as I sat waiting for my soda. "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." ~ Mohandas Gandhi Now. I thought that was brilliant (duh!) and posted it on the rotten Facebook. Couple comments, nothing major. So my friend, yes, a real one, posts it on her FB page. Holy shit, you would not believe the fallout! Mainly by one guy who happens to be an ultra conservative baptist. Just for shits and giggles I'm going to post HIS comments to that quote. Each paragraph is a new comment. ~ I do NOT like or appreciate that comment. I think it's totally unfair and irrational to lump every single Chrtistian together into one mold and one catatory. I can only hope whoever posted this on your list sees my comment. This is hte same as lumping every white or every black into one catagory and calling all people the same. VERY IMMATURE AND JUST PLAIN WRONG. So has he or she taken the time to spend time with every Christian on this planet? I doubt so. MaryAnn I'm not shooting you but I am surprised you weren't able to see this as I did. ~ Wow, this really has me on fire......I'd love to know who it was. Very narrowminded person. ~ yea but MaryAnn there is a difference between stirring a pot and standing up for waht is right and what you believe in. Do you honestly belive in that statement? Do you personally really believe all Christians are the same and in a negative light? ~ well that's my point exactly, Liz you do NOT classify every single Christian on the planet in the same catagory? That's just absurd. For every one you've met that's negative or hypacritical how many are there that you have never even met? I'm not being rude, or disrespectful but really honeslty? How many Christians are out ther for every one that you didn't like. I've been all over hte countgry and all over the world and its juyst plain INSANE to think every single Christian is bad. ~ Can I ask you all how many states you've lived in? PLease don't tell me your basing this off of an experience in NEO? Please, I've lived like I said, all over the coutnry and have been all over the world. I would really hope people to make this statement has lived in every state in hte union. Otherwise it's just plain childish and redicoiusl ~ Don't worry I'm done, this is the most rediculous coversation I've ever heard. People need to grow up and experience more of what Ohio has to offer before makikng such an insane commedbt ~ My only comment at the end, since he wanted to know who originally posted it an I believe Mr. Gandhi is not available for comment: ~ Well, it made me think and it appears it did the same here. It's a good thing to self-evaluate every now and then. And David, I find it ironic that you are ok spewing forth that I am immature, insane, and just plain wrong (I believe those were some of your words)... judging me for passing on a thought provoking quote by Gandhi. Oh yes, and childish and ridiculous, add those in. Wasn't it YOU who in a recent comment to another person here a few days back said not to judge you because they didn't even KNOW you? Nothing I can do if you are offended. I posted it because I found it thought provoking, not hostility provoking. ~ You know, his response kind of points right back to the quote itself? Obviously the quote goes far deeper but this is an example. And this is why I often find people who claim to be the most devout (just ask, they'll tell you) are often so quick to judge. If your religion teaches you to be kind and forgiving, I don't recall fine print that says unless someone says something you don't like, so why the hostility? That would have been a great opportunity to prove that some people literally do practice what they preach. On David's count: EPIC FAIL! I will say that I did go to high school with him but I doubt he even knows who I am. I had a friend that adored him so I HAD to hear about him all the time, lol. He's a decent guy. I can tell by his typing that the quote had him in an uproar. It hit a nerve. Oh well. Put on your big boy pants - life is like that. This is why I love blogland and barely tolerate facebook. Anyone that reads this that thinks I'm full of shit will no doubt tell me, but they won't sound like an emotionally wounded lunatic. I love you blogland and my beautiful, articulate, intelligent bloggers that can actually make a point and have a conversation. (Sorry, lost formatting and tried to adjust for paragraphs with ~ but meh, not working.)
Friday, March 18, 2011
It's a sad day when a celestial star no longer shines
I knew the time was coming, but I didn't think it would arrive so quickly.
Today was my cat Benny's last day. The sarcoma increased four times in size over the past two weeks and was invading both the thoracic and abdominal cavities. His lymphatic system was also beginning to malfunction. I could have fought for a few days more with him, but I put him first. He didn't deserve to be in pain, so I let him go today, before he crossed the line from being uncomfortable to suffering. They were amazed how quickly the sarcoma was growing.
As a youngster (maybe 7-9 months of age) he was left behind when my neighbors moved. They even threw his cat carrier out in the trash on the side of the road. I found him coming around and walking through the flowers with such joy that I had to like him. He was skittish but I saw the idiots left a plastic flea collar on him that would have to be removed before it strangled him or cut into him causing infection and possibly death. So that was the end of that. At that time, I had my rabbit (Chessie) and in the summer I would make a fantastic bunny condo for her so she could stay outside and eat fresh clover, moving her every few days. This young cat found it necessary to patrol the perimeter and chase away even a squirrel should it come too close to her. He was rather comical so I named him Benny, after a radio character 'Ben Klingston, Mall Guard'. As he adapted to life as a young adult, you could easily call him a killing machine... which is when I added his middle name Orion after Orion the Hunter.
Until one day he got sick. Some sort of upper respiratory infection that would wax and wane. In time we learned that he was Feline Leukemia positive. He spiked terribly high fevers for days that had me placing ice around him. Eventually he got better and after a few months, we tested him again and miraculously he was Felv-! Another test was done and proved that he actually fought off the virus. The vets all said that they had heard of it happening but never saw it. He was their little miracle cat. But not long after, it was apparent that the high fevers caused some neurological damage. I remember posting a picture here of when he literally shredded my wrist just prior to a job interview. Eventually he was placed on phenobarbital for the aggression but his other symptoms persisted and there was simply nothing to be done about phantom pains. So about two weeks ago we found a protrusion below the rib cage. It was really the beginning of the end.
Eight and a half years is too soon. I will always feel like I didn't do enough for him. That I didn't protect him, even though I know that there are some things you just can't protect against. He is now buried overlooking the stream where he used to hunt bullfrogs (go figure!). For the first time since he was a little over a year old, he is free of his ailments. For that, today is a good day.
For as many times as I threatened to end his life with my own hands during his bad years, I will miss him terribly. Goodnight my little 'Beenie'; time to guard Chessie again.
.. >^.^< ..
Friday, March 11, 2011
I am an island
Sometimes I find it very difficult being me. Or rather, the sort of person that I am. I am so at odds with myself that daily living is a constant struggle. I suppose I've gotten used to it for the most part. But there are times that I just want to hide.
I had to make a choice recently and I believe I've lost a friend over it. A friend of ~13 years. Now, this friend and I have a history of my life not fitting into her standards. She comes from a big family that actually likes one another. Her health is great. She has a great house (her boyfriend's) and then her boyfriend who loves her. She has friends that she grew up with and is still in contact with those from college. Her job is about as secure as you can get these days and she gets paid more than I do to play on Facebook all day...
If you've ever paid attention to anything I've said, you know that is just about the opposite of my life. Though she has been rather tolerant, last year we had this falling out over my health (or lack thereof) being an issue and being the reason I canceled things we'd planned. She's right. Although I can't see how I'm supposed to drag myself out for a night at the bar or a picnic when I'm sick. I could. And often I did, but she never really knew. So this coming weekend is her birthday but this past weekend was a surprise celebration. The night before I'd confirmed with our mutual friend but the day of the event I was sick. I had to cancel. She thought we were just meeting after she went to dinner. I tried to explain the severity of the situation but considering that I had all but stopped telling her anything about my health since the last argument, she really didn't get it. We planned to go to lunch the next day and I left a voicemail message but pretty much just got a terse reply via email. Sent another email yesterday but haven't heard a word.
Is it my fault that I cancel? Yep. But you know what? I don't like that being the situation. It's also hard for me to drive almost an hour and a half one way being in pain, just to sit around and NOT even have a drink (which I'd be getting all kinds of shit over) because I have to drive an hour and a half back. And I'm leaving out some nasty details, too. She probably thinks that I don't think she's important enough to find the time to spend with her but that's not it. But I can't defend myself anymore. And I don't want to be a shitty friend to her, but I can't be there like she wants me to be. I won't be trying to contact her again. She knows where I am. I understand her point of view and can't fault her for it.
But when I get bitchy and say things referring to me separating from other people, no one really needs to judge me on that. This is proof, once again, that I really am not good enough to hold up any sort of relationship from my end. That is something that I have to adjust to. Mostly I have, but then I get this urge to be sociable and it all falls apart. I distance myself because in the end, it happens anyway. Might as well be on my terms.
It's odd. I don't consider myself lonely (probably because I've conditioned myself to not want people to be close) but I do feel very alone. Not that it's totally unpleasant, it's my goal, really, but it is just something I notice.
I had to make a choice recently and I believe I've lost a friend over it. A friend of ~13 years. Now, this friend and I have a history of my life not fitting into her standards. She comes from a big family that actually likes one another. Her health is great. She has a great house (her boyfriend's) and then her boyfriend who loves her. She has friends that she grew up with and is still in contact with those from college. Her job is about as secure as you can get these days and she gets paid more than I do to play on Facebook all day...
If you've ever paid attention to anything I've said, you know that is just about the opposite of my life. Though she has been rather tolerant, last year we had this falling out over my health (or lack thereof) being an issue and being the reason I canceled things we'd planned. She's right. Although I can't see how I'm supposed to drag myself out for a night at the bar or a picnic when I'm sick. I could. And often I did, but she never really knew. So this coming weekend is her birthday but this past weekend was a surprise celebration. The night before I'd confirmed with our mutual friend but the day of the event I was sick. I had to cancel. She thought we were just meeting after she went to dinner. I tried to explain the severity of the situation but considering that I had all but stopped telling her anything about my health since the last argument, she really didn't get it. We planned to go to lunch the next day and I left a voicemail message but pretty much just got a terse reply via email. Sent another email yesterday but haven't heard a word.
Is it my fault that I cancel? Yep. But you know what? I don't like that being the situation. It's also hard for me to drive almost an hour and a half one way being in pain, just to sit around and NOT even have a drink (which I'd be getting all kinds of shit over) because I have to drive an hour and a half back. And I'm leaving out some nasty details, too. She probably thinks that I don't think she's important enough to find the time to spend with her but that's not it. But I can't defend myself anymore. And I don't want to be a shitty friend to her, but I can't be there like she wants me to be. I won't be trying to contact her again. She knows where I am. I understand her point of view and can't fault her for it.
But when I get bitchy and say things referring to me separating from other people, no one really needs to judge me on that. This is proof, once again, that I really am not good enough to hold up any sort of relationship from my end. That is something that I have to adjust to. Mostly I have, but then I get this urge to be sociable and it all falls apart. I distance myself because in the end, it happens anyway. Might as well be on my terms.
It's odd. I don't consider myself lonely (probably because I've conditioned myself to not want people to be close) but I do feel very alone. Not that it's totally unpleasant, it's my goal, really, but it is just something I notice.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
So there's this guy.
And no, not 'that' kind of guy. Just a guy that I came across based on a comment or two we'd made online. We've sent a few emails back and forth and he's an interesting fellow. And there is no hidden meaning in that. The thing that I really enjoy about communicating with him is that he is so well spoken. He has knowledge of the language, forms his thoughts well, and it just reminds me how I've let things slip. Don't get me wrong, he is just as comfortable letting a string of fucks fly out of his mouth, but it is his ability to be an effective communicator that is interesting to me. Most likely when our current topic of discussion has met it's end, we'll just go separate ways, and that is fine with me. It was just nice to be reminded that people can surprise you. And slightly surprising that that particular quality in him had me realizing that it was noticably absent from my life. I live in the land of double negatives and careless grammar where 'So don't she' actually means 'So does she.' If I compare almost any post now to what I may have written 4 years ago, I can see my decline. So this was a nice surprise. And a subtle reminder that I need to get back to a level of communicating that makes me feel comfortable. Interesting how a few conversations about fairly ordinary things actually highlight that.
For the record, I don't use double negatives. I've not sunk that low. Eesh.
For the record, I don't use double negatives. I've not sunk that low. Eesh.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
I'm a total fucking whack job
Seriously. I think I need to be sedated on an ongoing basis. It's the only way I can figure to keep myself from getting into enormous trouble or eventually being the recipient of a bullet to the head.
I have reached new lows in tolerance. For anything. I hate everything and have no qualms about shooting my mouth off. Except for the very peculiar bouts of 'niceness' I've interspersed amongst all the chaos. I've been mean and hurtful to friends, family, and I could be in huge trouble at work because I butted heads with a senior head nurse. Truth be told, she's a fucking idiot and I have no idea how she has managed to keep her job all these years. No seriously, my boss ended up doing her projects because the work she produced was so substandard that it would have gotten a patient killed. So yeah, she has earned that. But it doesn't matter. I should have been able to keep it together... this was work... but I couldn't. All of this hatred and anxiety and stress is just leaking out. I will explode. I'm not seeking that out, it really is just a matter of time. I am truly at a point where I can see how people grab a gun and go on a roof. If I let this all get the best of me at work, where I could still lose my job because of this, then I've got a problem. That was my last stronghold; I could always keep it together at work.
I might see if I can take some time off and go on vacation. I need a break and I'm really starting to think that if I don't do something that I will have ruined things. I mean, in the end, if I lose my job, then I find another one. The problem remains the same: my reactions to any stress. Losing my paperclip is akin to wrecking my car. That is in me, not at my place of employment.
This is my place to be honest. You all know quite a bit about me and so I can sound off here without holding back much. I do have a facebook account and I don't say everything that is going on in my life. Often I'll post a song, and that is as close as it gets ~ but even thought I've known some of them longer, you guys know me better. They don't see me opening up my heart and soul (hmmm, not sure I have either, anymore) so they assume life is grand. Part of it is me because I'm far too private to be on a social networking site. Here, it's different.
Irregardless, there is a change going on and I am separating myself from normal emotions. Dulling everything. Most likely because I'm overwhelmed, but somehow working daily at the task of blocking out most feelings. Because of that lack of feeling, I have no reason to fear the outcome of things that I say or do. How can there be much of a consequence if you don't care if people leave you alone? Of course I assume there is a part of me that cares or I wouldn't be writing this.
Sometimes it sucks to know yourself just well enough to wish you didn't.
I have reached new lows in tolerance. For anything. I hate everything and have no qualms about shooting my mouth off. Except for the very peculiar bouts of 'niceness' I've interspersed amongst all the chaos. I've been mean and hurtful to friends, family, and I could be in huge trouble at work because I butted heads with a senior head nurse. Truth be told, she's a fucking idiot and I have no idea how she has managed to keep her job all these years. No seriously, my boss ended up doing her projects because the work she produced was so substandard that it would have gotten a patient killed. So yeah, she has earned that. But it doesn't matter. I should have been able to keep it together... this was work... but I couldn't. All of this hatred and anxiety and stress is just leaking out. I will explode. I'm not seeking that out, it really is just a matter of time. I am truly at a point where I can see how people grab a gun and go on a roof. If I let this all get the best of me at work, where I could still lose my job because of this, then I've got a problem. That was my last stronghold; I could always keep it together at work.
I might see if I can take some time off and go on vacation. I need a break and I'm really starting to think that if I don't do something that I will have ruined things. I mean, in the end, if I lose my job, then I find another one. The problem remains the same: my reactions to any stress. Losing my paperclip is akin to wrecking my car. That is in me, not at my place of employment.
This is my place to be honest. You all know quite a bit about me and so I can sound off here without holding back much. I do have a facebook account and I don't say everything that is going on in my life. Often I'll post a song, and that is as close as it gets ~ but even thought I've known some of them longer, you guys know me better. They don't see me opening up my heart and soul (hmmm, not sure I have either, anymore) so they assume life is grand. Part of it is me because I'm far too private to be on a social networking site. Here, it's different.
Irregardless, there is a change going on and I am separating myself from normal emotions. Dulling everything. Most likely because I'm overwhelmed, but somehow working daily at the task of blocking out most feelings. Because of that lack of feeling, I have no reason to fear the outcome of things that I say or do. How can there be much of a consequence if you don't care if people leave you alone? Of course I assume there is a part of me that cares or I wouldn't be writing this.
Sometimes it sucks to know yourself just well enough to wish you didn't.
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