And there you are nailing good to a tree

I don't consider myself more sensitive than most. Or less sensitive for that matter. At least when it comes to things like getting a 'feeling' or 'sense' about something. I'm usually buzzing along at too high a frequency to actually sense it. In the times that I was more sensitive, it was always directly correlating to me being completely separated, (blank mind/autopilot, if you will) therefore I could just react without all the clutter in my head getting in the way. It was only in hindsight that I realized it.

So for the past couple of weeks I can feel something. I have no idea what it is, but it has begun. The air is charged around me and I can feel it. Imagine a drop of water splashing from a stream high atop a mountain. It's path altered by a gust of wind... it's new path set in motion. Everything that happens from that moment on will culminate here... with me. From the moment the water splashes, to the wind rerouting the drops, the leaf it lands on, etc... you know the drill. But it's like I can feel every single bit of anticipation mounting. And I know it's coming. Eventually.

I don't sense bad, nor good - I simply sense it. Period. I wonder but I'm calm. It is in motion. I have nothing to say in the matter just to know I'm the last stop.

I am curious.

One Day All This Could Be Yours

Right now it's just this song and a dead stare. Thank you to all who contributed.

A lesson learned. Sort of.

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am shutting off my feelings, distancing myself from real human interaction and staying in my head more. If you understood the extent, you might be surprised. I can play the game but in my mind, things always stop short. Because I make them. I wasn't always like this. Sometimes it serves it's purpose though. If I were to let out what I've pent up for so long, I'm rather sure it would be my complete undoing. For now, emotional shutdown is a really good option. That's all.

A new, and hopefully singular, experience

Last night, I met my first known murderer. I did not know this at the time but found out shortly thereafter. I'd seen him the night before and when he saw me, he seemed to get even more agitated. (I DO bring that out in people...) But as I was on the psych ward, that isn't uncommon - patients begin to have a comfort zone and when people they aren't familiar with come in, they tend to get their hackles up - it's something new being thrown at them. I get it. I respect it.

But last night he made a beeline for me. Stopped short a foot of me and it began, this broken semi-lucid nonsensical truth. I knew I was dealing with the one sort of person that scares me most - an unmedicated (or undermedicated) schizophrenic. No answer you have is right. They literally hear what they will, visual and auditory hallucinations override reality. All sensory perceptions are off. It is the disorder, not the person. Nonetheless, they frighten me. I answered him very carefully because I sensed this was the issue - I had no idea who he was or why he was there. It is simply my job to go up and provide medications for the patients, not to judge them.

When I went back up to the floor, he got agitated again. It could be anyone or it could be that I remind him of someone. He was asking if he could have someting to cut his fingers off and leave them on the counter. Loudly - he wanted me to hear. He tries to get my attention.

I knew he was a danger but I figured it was aggression/unpredictablity - I had two sizeable men (staff) on either side of me and that was a tip off. One escorted me out. I learned that this patient had just murdered someone in front of a child. When he leaves the hospital, he goes to the court and will be sent to one facility or another. I didn't want details. I didn't care. His own doctor broke down and sobbed after explaining this to the patient. The patient really doesn't have full comprehension of what happened. He is 31 years old.

My heart breaks for him, because he could not get the help he needed. Schizophrenia is no joke. Read up on it. And now someone has died. Been murdered, in front of a child that will live with that every day. Sometimes, I really think I need to get out of this field.

I just need to say that I hate Facebook.

Why? Because I am weak-willed. Ok, that's a lie. I'm nosey. I only have my first and middle name on the account because I DON'T want people to find me. The few that do are tolerable. Mostly. Some I'd like to drop a giant axe on. Anyway. Why do I care what some guy I went to high school with, and wasn't really even friends with, has posted in his pics? Why do I feel compelled to see what a former friend's 'likes' are. Or what they wrote today?

It is simple curiosity but I don't like it because it reminds me yet again how different I am from those people. I suppose I just have to stop looking and remove any associated people from my account. If they are gone, the temptation to browse through their friends list (knowing full well that I'll see people I know there) will also go away.

Unfortunately I learned yesterday that I work the same shift (different department, but we have contact) with a former best friend's sister. You know, some how I knew she was related to him. I finally asked her yesterday. He's in another state so the possibility of him wreaking havoc on my life is rather limited, but still. I don't like dredging up things I thought were closed. I've never had luck with that.

I know I'm different. But I truly dislike this wave of uber-normality (or the appearance of) hitting me from all sides. But like a car crash - I can't help but look. It just reminds me of all the ways I'm not like other people. Perhaps we are more alike in ways, but I'm just more 'ok' with saying that my life is confusing, chaotic and a total loss at times. Maybe I don't need to keep up appearances.

Man, I really hate facebook. It brings out a very bad side of me. And just so you know - I think I only have only permitted 45 'friends' and to me, that is WAY too many. A person such as myself has next to no business having actual personal contacts on a social networking site. Bad combo. Just sayin'.

Shitdamnhellsonofabitchmotherfuckingcocksucker!

Ok. That was warranted.

I've been sick, right? Decided I couldn't handle it myself and just 'let it pass', right? So I go to my gastroenterologist thinking I'm in the throes of Ulcer-Fest 2010, right?

Turns out I have Lithium Toxicity. Mother. Fucker. Look it up - turns out it can kill you. Which I knew, I just never thought I'd have it. My levels have been, well, level, for YEARS!

So not only is it a weekend, but a holiday weekend... can't get my doc til Tuesday. All I can do is deal with it the best I can and try to wean myself off without doing it too quickly so as to not cause more problems. Mother fucker. Technically, I should be hospitalized, monitored, pumped with fluids, etc.

Remember the post a handful or so back where I broke down all angry at the new psych doc and how he treated me and that I asked for this test three times and he simply ignored my request?!?! Yeah, remember that fucknut? If he'd done the test (especially since it was overdue) then I might not be sitting on death's doorstep. No kidding, this is a nasty situation. So anyway, I'm pondering what I should do. I'm considering making an appointment, taking the results in to Dr. Sadist, tossing them on his desk then telling him what kind of car he needs to buy me to keep my mouth shut.

There's more testing in the works but I think this should explain 95% of my problems. Imagine, my gastroenterologist catches this while my former psych was content to let it go. I am contemplating suing the bastard and that is something I've never, ever been a part of. Or Dr. Sadist can buy me a car and I'll shut up. Honestly, I don't know how I'll handle it. But he could have literally killed me. Although I'm not out of the woods yet.

And now I may have to go off the one med that saved my life. Ok, then sure, it sort of tried to kill me, ha, but I'm just sayin'.

*sigh*

But for now I am thankful that my GI doc listened to me. He listened and did his job. Even though my ailment was out of his realm.

Thank you Dr. K. Because of you I live to be a bitch another day...lol.
;)

Wholesome and pure. Much like me. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

So, ok. Just hear me out. Literally.

See these wholesome looking lads? Well, I think I may be in love with them. Please meet Joey Jordison and Wednesday 13 of the Murderdolls. Yes, I know.... you're thinking, but LiVEwiRe, have you got your spectacles on? Lost your mind? Had too much to drink? Hit your head?

Wednesday 13

Joey Jordison

The answers are yes, most likely, not now, and numerous times. You can fit them to whichever question you like. Because I KNOW what you are thinking. I KNOW it. You, dear reader, are thinking that these stodgy, conservative, stuffy types are not really my style. What could I possibly see in someone so obviously boring? Mundane at best?



To answer your question, let me guide you for just a moment. Within this link is proof explaining why they tickle my fancy. And here you'll find a behind the scenes look for the first link. Which is rather interesting if I do say so myself. It explains it all. But yes, I know, I know... love is blind.


And soon love will also be deaf. Heh.

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Is there is a point to posting a horoscope if you are also saying the world ends in 2012? Bit of a clash, no?

Shocker of the week - I am not a religious person.

Second shocker of the week - I was a rather spiritual/metaphysical sort of person years back.

What I believe changes constantly. Every now and then I stumble upon something that really makes me rethink what I believe. In the end, it turns out that I don't believe in much. I'm currently a faithless girl all in all.

But what brings me to this is the following: http://www.mayanmajix.com/art4467.html

Not that I live my life to horoscopes ~ actually if I see one I read it but I don't seek it out. BUT there is something at the beginning of that link that should scare the socks off every one of you... some more than others.

Mercury is Retrograde!!!

Run! Cover yourself in hot butter and ... oh no wait, that's only if there's a lobster loose. Anyway. Mercury plays a huge role in communication. Everything from misunderstood conversations, emails getting lost, fax machines frying, and truly just a general zap to anything relating to communicating.

Usually, I only learn this in hindsight and say 'oooohhhh, that explains the past few weeks!' But now I got a heads up. Funny - no one needed to tell me this time. It is so apparent that it's not funny. Ok, I lie, some of it is... I mean how many ways can one break a printer in 10 minutes, really?

I think I'm grabbing some hot butter... just in case.

How now are you gonna bite both hands? BOTH HANDS?!

Sorry, channeling Matthew Good this morning. I'm somewhere between crying and vomiting but it would appear it's my own fault. You know, human interaction and all. If I could just learn to distance myself maybe it would be easier. Yet for some reason I get suckered back into it. Either by other people or by my very own self; traitor!! Haha, sorry I find that kind of funny.

Anyway, this whole feeling ill thing. Yes, it is because of humans and my idiot sensitivity to them. Want to know how sensitive? In the past 7 days I've lost 10 pounds because I can barely eat. Ten. I can drink just fine as long as it has very little substance (think sugar, dairy, etc) so I'm not dehydrated. And this is because I am so stressed that every time I eat even the smallest thing, I get this rolling nausea and my stomach does flips. Thank you human race, for being such a collective dick. And thank you self for being the wussy fool that continues to hold out hope for them despite repeated failings.

For now, I'm going to use it to my advantage. But until I learn how to cope appropriately, I have to get something out of it, right? Remember how I said I'd gained some weight back from the previous knee surgery? Well, it's going! I'll just use it to my advantage. Not really the way to go, but at least I'm not sticking my finger down my throat, shoving a laxative suppository up my arse or ingesting tapeworms. Although it is unhealthier than any of those, truth be told. But hey, stress is free after all. Gotta love that. It's at least 50% from my job so the stress won't be going away soon.

Some people don't 'get' stress. Some don't care. Some lack the ability to understand. I seem to have no option. My body goes along with what my mind tells to do. Damn bully. ;)


How now are we back here tonight?
That's all there is, roll the dice. ~ Matthew Good, Double Life

Have a listen to the link. Matt always helps. He is my rock.
#

And in time, the phoenix shall rise

If I finally let go and stop wondering

If I am what you wanted. If I am what I wanted...

If I wake up happy to know that I am simply alive instead of

How to solve everything. And the let down by lack of results...

Just when I think I have a foothold

I feel it crumbling. I have learned to just let go...

If I finally learn to stop trying, even though I don't realize I am...

Then maybe one day I will be enough. For me. For you.

For everyone that attaches themselves to me because I give

the impression that I am what I want to be.

It is a work in progress, I'm just good at appearances, that's all.

But maybe someday.

Some time in the very near future, I will be getting a new tattoo. This is just a representation but I can think of nothing better.

Is it healthy to sleep with an air freshener shoved up your nose?

I only ask because circumstances require such extreme actions.

Remember Chewy? One of many little rat bastards (literally) in my house last year munching up through my kitchen floor? Well he's back. Or perhaps Spawn of Chewy. The rat annihilation crew returned with their cubes of death.

Several days later methinks one is dead and didn't get back out before his demise. Needless to say the hot humid air along with the now copious amounts of rain make for a great festering rat stew. Oh come on now - fucking seriously?!?! I have to smell this thing for weeks til it turns to dust?!?! I can't get to it fer fucks sake!!!!

I so would have taken rat zombies over this stink.

WTF is wrong with me? Rhetorical? Yes? No?

I am going to sort of self analyze here. Considering it is almost 11pm and I'm in a room myself, I don't think the houseplant is really going to be helpful so I don't have much of a choice.

All of a sudden, I am sinking into this depression. Not one I can't get out of, like a passing thing. Trust me, I can tell the difference. This time it's different, though. I see many parts that are making up a whole. Unfortunately it's a whole lotta shit, but I can handle it for I am stubborn.

Variables:

• Few days off from work (ok, 7!) in which not one fucking thing has gone as planned other than the fact that I am not at work. Still, I SO need to get away.
• Family stress; typically a given in one way or another.
• Sick cat - $500 so far; outcome unknown.
• Question of knee surgery.
• Still finding no locale on the map where I fit.
• Being away, I realize how much I really hate the way my job is going.
• Vacation plans falling through because of cat, family issues, etc.
• But because of that, I've been able to talk with a friend at length.
• Sometimes you don't realize how much you've given up until one day someone comes along and reminds you that some people can be worth it, no matter how impractical.
• And of course sleep is still fleeting.

There are so many emotions running through me right now that I feel like Duncan MacLeod in the Quickening. Good, bad improbable, helpless, angry, happy... you name it, it's there. But then why doesn't Duncan seem to want to curl up and have a good cry?!?! And no, we're nowhere near PMS time. I think it's just sensory overload. Well, that combined with wanting my life to move forward but stumbling so.

That's it. That's all I've got. Therapy session over.

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Alanis Morissette - Perfect + Lyrics

I want a show of hands

Because I know it's not just me.

Ever notice how there are periods that every time you look up, there is a new thing to break your heart just a little bit more? One right after the next. Some things are bigger than others but it ends up like an endless barrage of invisible barbed wire squeezing tighter and tighter until you are sure you need to outrun it for self preservation? Only, there is no haven. It's with you, and as they say, wherever you go... there you are.

Just noticing it. And trying to remember how to breathe. Like I said, I know I'm not the only one and this is not a pity party. Just me taking note of living through an odd period of frustration and being reminded of things that I'd rather not be.

Drown if you want and I'll see you in the bottom, where you crawl on my skin... and put the blame on me so you don't feel a thing! Go on and save yourself, and take it out on me... ~ Audioslave {Cochise}

An aside... if I had enough energy I'd stalk Chris Cornell. But I don't. He's quite the beautiful boy and has an amazing voice. Perhaps I find him more beautiful because of his voice? Anyway, hot damn.

Ode to Molly Dodd

Not sleeping blows dirty ass. Well, if sleeping was your goal.

In the past couple weeks I've dealt with very large crickets getting in my house and singing til all hours. My neighbor has a rooster with a very, very inacurate internal clock and apparently a bad memory as he likes to cock his doodle about every hour and a half at any given hour. Why is a rooster in a residential area anyway? The nosey news choppers have been flying along the coast. My neighbor is renovating or some noisy shit. It just might be fox mating season because they are surely kickin up their furry heels outside my bedroom windows in the early morning hours. This doesn't even address the noise in my own head, both literally and figuratively.

Suppose it's true that they say you'll sleep when you die. A nap might be nice, though.

Look ma, no effin' cavities!

So really, that's mainly my point. I had a dental cleaning and checkup today and I have no cavities. NO currently (or soon to be) scheduled dental work. This is a major breakthrough since I'm usually cracking teeth and whatnot.

I reason that it is because I have potty mouth. No chance for sugary decay to flourish with a bitter tongue that spews forth such filth. Wooooohooooo!!!!! Lol! =)

Um, newsflash Don Juan...

I'm just gonna put this out there so it can be said and done and over with.

If you are married and flirting (with me), that's not a big deal - flirting is fun. When you get into talking about the bondage clothes you own during the week of your 2 year anniversary or start asking me to rub your back at work (two separate cases) then things take a turn. They take a turn that reminds me why I have chosen NOT to date for a very, very long time.

And it's not the standard 'men are pigs'. Not at all. It's just that we live in a society where you have to keep acquiring more. I am not something to acquire.

Friendly flirting is a good thing. Everyone gets an ego boost of sorts and that's the end of it. But when you try to manipulate others into being a conquest of sorts, I mean, really.

Pfft. People are truly thoughtless sometimes. Just sayin'.

I may not be pregnant but I sure feel like I'm eating for two

And my weight has inched up a bit in the past handful of weeks just to prove it to me. Bastard. And the fucker to blame for all of this? Stress. You think I'm kidding? Hear me out...

Weight has been a battle my whole life. It took me until my mid twenties to figure out that I eat more because I am, at that moment, able to give myself something that otherwise I could not... think better job, $ to fix the car, family that didn't involve police... so eating that peanut butter sandwich with two extra layers of peanut butter on it was me being able to give myself something. Now. I didn't have to wait for anything else to work, it was all I could do for myself so I did it. And I was in control. Ok, yeah, and I was fat. Moving on.

I was almost always overweight to some extent but in my early 30s I began meds that were famous for weight gain. And gain I did. And then I was depressed so I ate more! I weighed so much at one point that I was at the highest size that the plus size stores had at the time, barring a few special selections. Being 5'9" really helped it look as if I wasn't as big as I was, but the weight was on me nonetheless.

So I changed my eating habits and lost 100#. It was a long hard process, but I did it. After my knee surgery 3 years ago, I've struggled with 25# coming back. I fight it and it goes down then back it comes. Well, I've just changed that 25 to a 30 folks. I'm trying to go the opposite direction and lose more again in preparation for my knee replacement, whenever I find the courage to get that done. But still.

So here's what stress is doing to me. First, I hace a facet of night terrors where I wake up and appear to be awake - you can have a full on conversation with me (probably making more sense than I do when I'm awake) and I will not remember one bit of it. It remains at bay for the most part but when I'm really stressed, I do what is called sleep eating. I've woken up in the morning with food in my bed. On more than one occassion I've found chocolate smeared on my wall and in my bed. The other night I 'came to' as I was shoving cookies down my gullett! Problem there is that I also have symptomatic acholasia... read: I could choke due to a swallowing difficulty. I buy cookies for my Gram that I specifically don't like and peanut butter was forbidden for the last few months. But when you are sleeping, all food is fair game and the quantity is a guessing game.

The other thing I've noticed recently is that I've been hitting the vending machines, which I try to avoid - always have. So I get a candy bar. No big deal. But then I forget about it ever existing and later go buy some disgusting item made to mimic real pastry. And I eat it! Plastic icing and all! And it isn't until I'm on my way home that I remember that I also had a candy bar. So it's like the stress is conveniently erasing the memory of eating the first item so that I will comply and buy the second item. Honestly, this is getting stupidly ridiculous.

Because of meds and medical issues, I cannot jump start anything with a 'diet pill'. I just need to find a way to stop the sleep eating and, well, the 'awake' eating associated with vending machine amnesia! I've dealt with the sleep eating for years, this thing where my mind conveniently 'forgets' that I ate some crap a few hours ago has got to stop. And you know, it's not like I even LIKE 95% of the stuff in there, so I stand there swaying back and forth trying to decide what to get. One might think that browsing the same selection that I ate only a couple hours prior would trigger a memory!

I fought this fight before and won. I lost just over 100# the proper, healthy way. For some reason I'm just failing now and I can't get a grip on why. Which of course, creates more stress. Maybe I just had to write it to make it more real. I don't know how to stop the sleep eating. Often the absence of food (and an increase in pounds) is the only indicator it occurred. I've even tried taping the fridge and cupboards shut in the past.

So if anyone wants to make fun of the pudge in my belly, I'll let you mull this over before I kick your ass. ;)

Epiphany 101

Isn't it funny how on one hand, we can feel so much - then on the other hand, we're all but devoid of feeling? Well, somewhere in the middle, I learned something about myself.

Someone I know (who has no idea I have this account, so I can speak freely) has been talking to me about being lonely. I made several half hearted attempts to give him a pep talk about finding the right girl, but you know what? Turns out I don't give a fuck.

See, in talking with him, I learned that I interpret his discussion of this as whiney and pathetic. Just turn that emotion OFF fer crissakes!!! And I only say that because I did that very thing many years ago and have stuck to it since. I was in two relationships that, well, one devastated me when it ended, the other one pissed me off so I ended it. I was hurt twice, too close together. Given my history, it was a miracle I made it that far.

So in talking to this guy, who is having actual human emotions and realistic concerns, valid as the day is long - I simply cannot identify. I cannot explain to him, or anyone else really, that that part of me is dead for all basic purposes. I know the majority can't just 'turn it off'.

It confuses me how a person such as myself, who typically feels more than her fair share, and deeply, might I add, can be so utterly dead in another respect. It's like I had those feelings surgically removed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's just how it is. A part of me made that happen as a mechanism of protection. That could change some day. I just find some irony there.

And truly, dude, stop fucking whining.

The only thing that comes to mind is a song by Pink

Ok, I think technically it is P!nk, but whatever. Remember the song Don't Let Me Get Me? Even if not, you get the idea by title alone.

I keep forcing myself to stay awake until the point of exhaustion because I'm afraid of what will happen in the time between waiting for the Klonopin to kick in and sleep. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

Well fucketyfuckfuckfuck.