Isn't it funny how on one hand, we can feel so much - then on the other hand, we're all but devoid of feeling? Well, somewhere in the middle, I learned something about myself.
Someone I know (who has no idea I have this account, so I can speak freely) has been talking to me about being lonely. I made several half hearted attempts to give him a pep talk about finding the right girl, but you know what? Turns out I don't give a fuck.
See, in talking with him, I learned that I interpret his discussion of this as whiney and pathetic. Just turn that emotion OFF fer crissakes!!! And I only say that because I did that very thing many years ago and have stuck to it since. I was in two relationships that, well, one devastated me when it ended, the other one pissed me off so I ended it. I was hurt twice, too close together. Given my history, it was a miracle I made it that far.
So in talking to this guy, who is having actual human emotions and realistic concerns, valid as the day is long - I simply cannot identify. I cannot explain to him, or anyone else really, that that part of me is dead for all basic purposes. I know the majority can't just 'turn it off'.
It confuses me how a person such as myself, who typically feels more than her fair share, and deeply, might I add, can be so utterly dead in another respect. It's like I had those feelings surgically removed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's just how it is. A part of me made that happen as a mechanism of protection. That could change some day. I just find some irony there.
And truly, dude, stop fucking whining.
2 comments:
hehehe I can totally picture the scene :D
The brain is a powerful thing, to be able to protect us from our own feelings by making us not feel them. Been there, done that. Still learning how to undo it but not really sure if I want to, but that's a whole other story.
It's kind of like repressed memories (which I didn't believe in until I remembered something rather earth-shattering that I had conveniently erased from my memory for something like 7 years.)
Ho Hum.
We are complicated creatures, us.
Terri - We really are complicated. In part, I think that is some of what makes us work. As far as the repressed memoried, there was so much crap about therapists, etc coaxing things out of people. Then there are cases like you. You protected yourself by tucking it away so well that even YOU forgot about it. Our brains are magnificently structured things.
With this, I'm not sure if I can undo it (in line with what you were saying) or if I even want to. I am one stubborn person, so when I say 'enough', it will damn well be enough until I decide... and that may take years or never come at all.
Hmm. We're forming a small international gang, you know that? lol!
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