I don't think I'm going to the doc Thursday. I called my insurance company and he's only partially (about 50%) covered after a $500 deductible. Fuck that. I'm glad I called b/c she was telling me how he's approved for my insurance and part of the company I work for...
Yeah, they got one hell of a nasty message left on their voicemail today. And b/c I thought I had this appt secured I declined the one where they could 'fit me in' in 5 weeks with another doc where I work. Fuck.
I think I'm just going to let it go until I can't take it anymore then I'll end up in the ER again and they will be forced to find an on-call Endocrinologist for me. This may take months, years, who fucking knows, but really. Really? Does everything have to be such a struggle?
And I thought I'd have an okay birthday weekend. Wrong. I'm hiding right back in my shell like all textbook Cancerians do. This is the second year in a row that I will not be celebrating anything for my birthday. I can't do it. All I want to do is cry and scream and throw things. I've really accomplished two of those fully and one partially. Oh, and just be left alone. I don't feel like there is anything to celebrate. It's like life itself is telling me to give it up.
It was bad enough knowing something is wrong and having to be patient for an appointment, then getting one, then having it taken away from you. Still feeling sick, physically, and never knowing when it's going to get bad. So I give up. I'm not one of those people that can just put a smile on their face and pretend things are ok. I mean, I do it all the time at work, but not in this situation. How can I smile and pretend my birthday is worth anything when I'm literally fighting everything. I'm fighting for my health and nothing is working; it's like a subtle hint telling me that it isn't worth anything. That I'm not.
I give up. You win. After a full year, you have finally bested me. Now please move on so I can just fully separate myself emotionally. Really. All this being upset and crying is only making my symptoms worse. You've done enough, there's nothing left to see... move along.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Not that I'm complaining, but.... (you know what's coming, don't you?)
I'll tell you about my little trip to Canada and my wonderful concerts and maybe share a pic or five later, but I need to just vent.
So I mentioned how my health in regard to medications has just taken a nose dive, right? The ER visits, the hospitalization, the fear of death. Ok. So by this time, the medication should by all means be out of my system unless I lack a particular cytochrome pathway that would prevent it from leaving my system. Although the idea of ME having that issue is always a possibility given my track record, it is very highly unlikely. Even for me.
So I still am having heart palpitations and upon having a monitor strapped to me for 24 hours, we've learned that my heart is skipping beats. Not a huge deal, really. Just that it should have gone away by now. And for the record, I'm so much better ~ it's just that I've got these odd symptoms that aren't really going away and I'm not so sure I can pin it all on anxiety (I'm really NOT a panic-attack sort of person) especially since I'm on low dose Klonopin around the clock.
My body still tingles, I have this weird startle reflex linked to sound (if I see someone about to slam a car door, I should expect it and not be startled by the sound, yet it sends a physical jolt through my entire body) and I still have a hard time swallowing. And then it hit me...
Nine years on lithium, including two bouts of lithium toxicity in the past 9 months or so, one bout of severe medication intolerance from the Topamax (for a sleep disorder) and then this last adverse reaction that landed my chunky monkey butt in the hospital. Hmmm... all of those meds are known to be hard on the thyroid, especially lithium. And my mother has Grave's Disease, which was marked by hyperthyroidism. (You see it coming, don't you?) So I asked my regular doc to run some basic thyroid tests on me... and guess who is now hyperthyroid? Ding! Ding! Ding! Yep... me! So the overactive thyroid is like having adrenaline running through your system at all times, which does explain the odd startle reflex. And if my thyroid is enlarged, it explains the feeling like something is stuck in my throat. And some other continued abnormalities.
In December my thyroid test was normal which leads me to believe this second bout of lithium tox did me in and this last med may have sealed the deal. I don't know if it is limited to my thyroid or an entire adrenal malfunction. I managed to get an appt with an endocrinologist next Thursday. He can run more appropriate labs and tell me if this is reversible, if it is a simple thyroiditis or actually Grave's Disease, which is auto immune. And how we fix it. And if my heart will go back to normal then since what I'm experiencing is all potentially associated.
When I was hospitalized, not one physician ordered a thyroid test, even though I have a family history and was repeatedly telling them that I felt like my body was vibrating and that I had difficulty swallowing. Of course, I think they were focusing more on keeping my heart working and keeping my blood pressure down, so given the choice, I support their decision to focus on that! Still - that really should have been tested. Oh well, water under the bridge.
So one more thing for me to face. I mean, it is what it is. No use griping about it. I just wanted to get this out of my system so that I can come to terms with the fact that what was supposed to cure me, is taking me apart piece by piece. The irony of it all is that I work in pharmacy. I can't even stand to be around all these drugs anymore. Truly. Other than the one week of this last med that had me hospitalized, I've been off all meds for bipolar since 5.5.11. Of course I'm thrilled to not feel like I'm on death's doorstep anymore. Maybe still on the property, but surely not the doorstep. ;) It will be tended to, just like everything else. I'm reminded, by working in the hospital, that I'm more fortunate than many and I am thankful for that. I suppose I'm just weary. I just want to feel like my old crappy self again. After all this, in hindsight it wasn't so bad ~ in comparison.
Life is funny that way, sometimes.
So I mentioned how my health in regard to medications has just taken a nose dive, right? The ER visits, the hospitalization, the fear of death. Ok. So by this time, the medication should by all means be out of my system unless I lack a particular cytochrome pathway that would prevent it from leaving my system. Although the idea of ME having that issue is always a possibility given my track record, it is very highly unlikely. Even for me.
So I still am having heart palpitations and upon having a monitor strapped to me for 24 hours, we've learned that my heart is skipping beats. Not a huge deal, really. Just that it should have gone away by now. And for the record, I'm so much better ~ it's just that I've got these odd symptoms that aren't really going away and I'm not so sure I can pin it all on anxiety (I'm really NOT a panic-attack sort of person) especially since I'm on low dose Klonopin around the clock.
My body still tingles, I have this weird startle reflex linked to sound (if I see someone about to slam a car door, I should expect it and not be startled by the sound, yet it sends a physical jolt through my entire body) and I still have a hard time swallowing. And then it hit me...
Nine years on lithium, including two bouts of lithium toxicity in the past 9 months or so, one bout of severe medication intolerance from the Topamax (for a sleep disorder) and then this last adverse reaction that landed my chunky monkey butt in the hospital. Hmmm... all of those meds are known to be hard on the thyroid, especially lithium. And my mother has Grave's Disease, which was marked by hyperthyroidism. (You see it coming, don't you?) So I asked my regular doc to run some basic thyroid tests on me... and guess who is now hyperthyroid? Ding! Ding! Ding! Yep... me! So the overactive thyroid is like having adrenaline running through your system at all times, which does explain the odd startle reflex. And if my thyroid is enlarged, it explains the feeling like something is stuck in my throat. And some other continued abnormalities.
In December my thyroid test was normal which leads me to believe this second bout of lithium tox did me in and this last med may have sealed the deal. I don't know if it is limited to my thyroid or an entire adrenal malfunction. I managed to get an appt with an endocrinologist next Thursday. He can run more appropriate labs and tell me if this is reversible, if it is a simple thyroiditis or actually Grave's Disease, which is auto immune. And how we fix it. And if my heart will go back to normal then since what I'm experiencing is all potentially associated.
When I was hospitalized, not one physician ordered a thyroid test, even though I have a family history and was repeatedly telling them that I felt like my body was vibrating and that I had difficulty swallowing. Of course, I think they were focusing more on keeping my heart working and keeping my blood pressure down, so given the choice, I support their decision to focus on that! Still - that really should have been tested. Oh well, water under the bridge.
So one more thing for me to face. I mean, it is what it is. No use griping about it. I just wanted to get this out of my system so that I can come to terms with the fact that what was supposed to cure me, is taking me apart piece by piece. The irony of it all is that I work in pharmacy. I can't even stand to be around all these drugs anymore. Truly. Other than the one week of this last med that had me hospitalized, I've been off all meds for bipolar since 5.5.11. Of course I'm thrilled to not feel like I'm on death's doorstep anymore. Maybe still on the property, but surely not the doorstep. ;) It will be tended to, just like everything else. I'm reminded, by working in the hospital, that I'm more fortunate than many and I am thankful for that. I suppose I'm just weary. I just want to feel like my old crappy self again. After all this, in hindsight it wasn't so bad ~ in comparison.
Life is funny that way, sometimes.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Boy, things are really getting stirred up
Not good, not bad, just a swirl of everything and all I can really do is ride the wave. When things start to change all around me, down to those really weird coincidences, I know something is up. And something is definitely up.
On the bright side, I'm still among the living. Not back to where I want to be, but not afraid that I'm in the process of dying either. I swear - I will always make sure I dress in a manner when I go to sleep that would not be embarrassing should an EMS squad have to retrieve me and take me to a hospital. Oh yes, this does run through your mind even when you're on the verge of losing consciousness.
Laptop issues (only a month old) so I may be out of the loop for a bit - not that anyone would notice. Trying to get back into the swing of things though.
Happy summer.
On the bright side, I'm still among the living. Not back to where I want to be, but not afraid that I'm in the process of dying either. I swear - I will always make sure I dress in a manner when I go to sleep that would not be embarrassing should an EMS squad have to retrieve me and take me to a hospital. Oh yes, this does run through your mind even when you're on the verge of losing consciousness.
Laptop issues (only a month old) so I may be out of the loop for a bit - not that anyone would notice. Trying to get back into the swing of things though.
Happy summer.
Monday, June 13, 2011
And the beat goes on
I've given myself time to reflect on the situation and offered distance so that I can write about this without getting worked up. Still, it will remain fairly brief and to the point so as not to incite any internal riots.
The issue with the medication got worse. I was in the ER three times and had a two day hospital stay. Let's just say that the drug took over. While sleeping, my heartrate was a low 47 (normal for me) and within about 5 seconds it hit 130 beats per minute. That is almost triple the rate instantly. Yeah. We're still working on it, I'm living in a mild cloud of sedation to stay calm because this triggered anxiety I didn't know I had and compouned everything. Tuesday I go back to the cardiologist to see if I get to wear a heart monitor for 48 hours. If my heart is ok, then good. If not, they have to do a cardioversion (see last post). To be clear, my heart itself is perfectly strong and healthy, albeit a bit weary at the moment. The drug just hijacked it and we are hoping it left no effects to be undone by modern medicine. It was not a good week.
But I did learn something. I have this new clarity on my role in life and how I fit in. I suppose that happens when you are sure you are on your way out. More on that later but I think that is a positive thing.
Unfortunately... last night we got a call that my cousin Nicole in California (not the whacked out one, but her sis) just had her hip replacement (she's 41!) and although the surgery went well, she had a reaction to the anesthetic which put her into congestive heart failure and caused aspiration pneumonia! It is still touch and go. I'm assuming since her heart (and the rest of her) was fine prior to the procedure that this can be reversed. I'm really hoping, anyway.
Late this morning, we got a call that my cousin Carol Lee (in Pennsylvania) is in the hospital. She's been on some med for nerve pain for years and they just increased her dose... later in the day someone found her collapsed on the floor. She is in the hospital and is partially paralyzed - they have no idea what is going on but they think it's from the med b/c every thing else is ok. This is the same part of the family where Veronica's (Carol's mom) son was believed to be murdered about 8 years ago, her other daughter died 2+ years ago and about 6 months ago her nephew was tasered and suffocated by the state police. Veronica and my gram are sisters. Now this. Ok, seriously? WTF is with this family? They don't know if Carol will be ok as the extent of the damage hasn't been fully determined.
Life is a funny thing and you'd better do with it what you want... now.
It's not as bad as it sounds. I mean, yeah, it's bad, but I've really learned something and I think it was just what I needed to get myself unstuck. Harsh lesson, eh?
Be well my friends.
The issue with the medication got worse. I was in the ER three times and had a two day hospital stay. Let's just say that the drug took over. While sleeping, my heartrate was a low 47 (normal for me) and within about 5 seconds it hit 130 beats per minute. That is almost triple the rate instantly. Yeah. We're still working on it, I'm living in a mild cloud of sedation to stay calm because this triggered anxiety I didn't know I had and compouned everything. Tuesday I go back to the cardiologist to see if I get to wear a heart monitor for 48 hours. If my heart is ok, then good. If not, they have to do a cardioversion (see last post). To be clear, my heart itself is perfectly strong and healthy, albeit a bit weary at the moment. The drug just hijacked it and we are hoping it left no effects to be undone by modern medicine. It was not a good week.
But I did learn something. I have this new clarity on my role in life and how I fit in. I suppose that happens when you are sure you are on your way out. More on that later but I think that is a positive thing.
Unfortunately... last night we got a call that my cousin Nicole in California (not the whacked out one, but her sis) just had her hip replacement (she's 41!) and although the surgery went well, she had a reaction to the anesthetic which put her into congestive heart failure and caused aspiration pneumonia! It is still touch and go. I'm assuming since her heart (and the rest of her) was fine prior to the procedure that this can be reversed. I'm really hoping, anyway.
Late this morning, we got a call that my cousin Carol Lee (in Pennsylvania) is in the hospital. She's been on some med for nerve pain for years and they just increased her dose... later in the day someone found her collapsed on the floor. She is in the hospital and is partially paralyzed - they have no idea what is going on but they think it's from the med b/c every thing else is ok. This is the same part of the family where Veronica's (Carol's mom) son was believed to be murdered about 8 years ago, her other daughter died 2+ years ago and about 6 months ago her nephew was tasered and suffocated by the state police. Veronica and my gram are sisters. Now this. Ok, seriously? WTF is with this family? They don't know if Carol will be ok as the extent of the damage hasn't been fully determined.
Life is a funny thing and you'd better do with it what you want... now.
It's not as bad as it sounds. I mean, yeah, it's bad, but I've really learned something and I think it was just what I needed to get myself unstuck. Harsh lesson, eh?
Be well my friends.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
The answer wasn't very hard to find after all!
And the answer was 'no'.
The new drug has caused a cardiac arrhythmia that is not unlike tossing a pair of wet shoes in the dryer but goes on for hours at a time. In addition, my blood pressure was 162/110, which is entirely too high for a person without a history of hypertension. It does, however, explain why I felt like I was going to pass out. The doc said the arrhythmia is a rare but serious side effect and pairing it with the elevated blood pressure is just bad news. I shall not ingest any more of the offending drug. She said that I will most likely cardiovert automatically (return to a normal sinus rhythm) in the absence of the drug. Most likely? Gah! I won't worry about that for now. I will just be glad that I had the sense to know when something was more wrong than it should have been. And all this from taking the smallest dose available once daily for 7 days. Well, I tried. Now I know in a short amount of time that the risks do not outweigh the benefits in this case.
Just adding insult to injury, the price of this medication for just the first month as I worked my way to higher doses was just under $550.
The new drug has caused a cardiac arrhythmia that is not unlike tossing a pair of wet shoes in the dryer but goes on for hours at a time. In addition, my blood pressure was 162/110, which is entirely too high for a person without a history of hypertension. It does, however, explain why I felt like I was going to pass out. The doc said the arrhythmia is a rare but serious side effect and pairing it with the elevated blood pressure is just bad news. I shall not ingest any more of the offending drug. She said that I will most likely cardiovert automatically (return to a normal sinus rhythm) in the absence of the drug. Most likely? Gah! I won't worry about that for now. I will just be glad that I had the sense to know when something was more wrong than it should have been. And all this from taking the smallest dose available once daily for 7 days. Well, I tried. Now I know in a short amount of time that the risks do not outweigh the benefits in this case.
Just adding insult to injury, the price of this medication for just the first month as I worked my way to higher doses was just under $550.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Rarely do I remove a post
But I did. I'm sure it went unnoticed but it was too disjointed, even for me. Still, I have to get something off my chest.
I got in an argument with my mother that really hit me out of nowhere. Ok, shit happens, not like we don't fight. This time was different in the way that it was definitely brought on by her. She threw my bipolarity in my face. Being honest, I'm sure that alot of times being around me is just a no-win situation. I'm amazed anyone even talks to me considering that I must be really taxing to be around. So after being in the ER with lithium toxicity for the second time and going without meds after stopping them immediatey, I don't know, I suppose it would seem that I'd be particularly moody or in some sort of phase. We'd both said recently that it wasn't as bad as either of us thought. Of course that is basing it solely on outward behavior, not this mess that I try to corral up in my head. Truthfully, that could have been much worse, although I am often able to keep the chaos a secret so that it doesn't boil over onto everyone else. I equate it with an animal not showing signs of an injury for self-preservation purposes. So point is, she actually said some things that either she has felt for some time or was having a particularly bad day herself and our argument was magnified. Either way, I believe she meant what she said...
Here's my real issue with it. I understand, as I've said before, that being around me isn't for everyone. I have a sticky push-pull kind of temperment and a mouth that shoots off far too easily, but not always. I get why I drain people. But let me say something, which is perhaps more to convince myself than anyone else... being bipolar isn't a choice. It's fucked up chemicals in my brain, pure and simple. Now. What I choose to do about it is the important thing. I sought help initially in 1989/1990 and went to various docs and therapists for years at a time. Eventually I was properly (we're assuming) in early 2002 and I have been steadily medicated and under the care, once again, of various docs and therapists. Because of the unexplained lithium toxicity again, I have to switch meds. Understand, this is not my choice, unless you think that permanent kidney damage as well as seizures possibly leading to a coma really give you much room to choose. As it is, kidney damage from these two episodes may not be apparent for a couple of years. But it is what it is. If I continue with lithium I am guaranteed of a nasty outcome. Basing things on what I already experienced, I am opting out. But where does that leave me?...
It leaves me facing something altogether new. Due to drug intolerance and meds that I simply don't respond to, my new choices come with alot of risks. I know what these risks are and I can only hope that they do not become reality. Do you know what it's like to have to make a choice between being able to function normally (in the way of not causing harm to yourself or anyone else because of impulsive behavior) and truly playing Russian Roullette? This new dug has just about a 20% chance of causing a particular syndrome that many people actually die from because in order to make it through, someone has to actually diagnose it properly and you've got a very small window in which to do that. If not, it ends with permanent brain damage or death. I've seen two cases in the hospital in the past year or so. One minute, they had no complaints, next thing you know they are in a drug induced coma, on a ventilator in ICU. It's ugly. About 6 months ago I saw a patient that was thrashing around, trying to make words (or so it seemed), being pinned to the bed by the ICU staff so he didn't hurt himself. His face was swollen and he was eventually placed in restraints while they placed him on cooling mats. It scared the hell out of me so of course I had to see what he 'had'. Well, his diagnosis was what I'm referring to...
And what got him there was the use of the same drug that I've just started on. Now. If you think that doesn't scare the piss out of me then you obviously think I am superhuman. Given the way I reacted to lithium out of more than 8 1/2 years on it without much of a problem, well, I had to stop or knowingly walk into the lion's den. With this, I know the lion's den is there but I just hope I don't have to travel that path. Have you ever had to choose whether to function now or literally risk your life by taking meds that are meant to help you? If you have, then you know. If not, I can assure you, it is something that no one should ever have to face. There are many disease states and drugs that can put a person in a place where they have to choose; my situation is not special on any count. If other, more benign drugs would have worked or if the drug intolerance wan't a factor, I wouldn't be in this situation. Alot of people could say that. But I am. And like I said, it is what it is.
And after it all, she has it in her to make it seem a if being bipolar is a choice. That everything I've just said here is of no consequence. She didn't say much during the argument, not much at all. I got up and left before I got to the point where I told her that if she wants someone to blame she should look in the mirror... she could be held as accountable as anyone for getting pregnant by someone with a strong line of mental illness in their family. Of course she didn't really know that at the time so that wouldn't have been fair, just hurtful. There is no blame but the aftermath is a real bitch.
So I take the meds. And I worry. Not just aboout what I mentioned but about other side effects that are rather grim as well. I'm already in several risk groups but yet, if I don't try this, I risk putting a bullet in my head or someone else's. When you look at it, I'm fucked either way. Granted, there's alot I'm leaving out about the known side effects and my risk but some of it is just waiting to happen, and that is if I can tolerate this drug. If I didn't want this to work, I never would have bothered to try it. I hope it works well and that issues are few. Truly, I do. I'm not going into this set to fail, I'm going into this being informed and knowing what to watch for given the fact that the lithium toxicity slipped right past me. If I don't want to be that patient in ICU, I have to know what to watch for. Sure, it's scary. But I'm making the choice with the hope that it works. If, for some reason, I'm tolerating the med but it isn't helping after about 6 weeks, then I will stop takig it under the doc's supervision. At that point I don't know what I'll do considering that just about every viable option will have been played out. We'll see. I just want to give this a fair chance.
Unfortunately, what was said, was said. You can't retract the spoken word. But how dare anyone even insinuate that what I am going through is by fucking choice. If I didn't try, I could understand. Part of our relationship died that day. I could feel it. But like I said, it is what it is.
I got in an argument with my mother that really hit me out of nowhere. Ok, shit happens, not like we don't fight. This time was different in the way that it was definitely brought on by her. She threw my bipolarity in my face. Being honest, I'm sure that alot of times being around me is just a no-win situation. I'm amazed anyone even talks to me considering that I must be really taxing to be around. So after being in the ER with lithium toxicity for the second time and going without meds after stopping them immediatey, I don't know, I suppose it would seem that I'd be particularly moody or in some sort of phase. We'd both said recently that it wasn't as bad as either of us thought. Of course that is basing it solely on outward behavior, not this mess that I try to corral up in my head. Truthfully, that could have been much worse, although I am often able to keep the chaos a secret so that it doesn't boil over onto everyone else. I equate it with an animal not showing signs of an injury for self-preservation purposes. So point is, she actually said some things that either she has felt for some time or was having a particularly bad day herself and our argument was magnified. Either way, I believe she meant what she said...
Here's my real issue with it. I understand, as I've said before, that being around me isn't for everyone. I have a sticky push-pull kind of temperment and a mouth that shoots off far too easily, but not always. I get why I drain people. But let me say something, which is perhaps more to convince myself than anyone else... being bipolar isn't a choice. It's fucked up chemicals in my brain, pure and simple. Now. What I choose to do about it is the important thing. I sought help initially in 1989/1990 and went to various docs and therapists for years at a time. Eventually I was properly (we're assuming) in early 2002 and I have been steadily medicated and under the care, once again, of various docs and therapists. Because of the unexplained lithium toxicity again, I have to switch meds. Understand, this is not my choice, unless you think that permanent kidney damage as well as seizures possibly leading to a coma really give you much room to choose. As it is, kidney damage from these two episodes may not be apparent for a couple of years. But it is what it is. If I continue with lithium I am guaranteed of a nasty outcome. Basing things on what I already experienced, I am opting out. But where does that leave me?...
It leaves me facing something altogether new. Due to drug intolerance and meds that I simply don't respond to, my new choices come with alot of risks. I know what these risks are and I can only hope that they do not become reality. Do you know what it's like to have to make a choice between being able to function normally (in the way of not causing harm to yourself or anyone else because of impulsive behavior) and truly playing Russian Roullette? This new dug has just about a 20% chance of causing a particular syndrome that many people actually die from because in order to make it through, someone has to actually diagnose it properly and you've got a very small window in which to do that. If not, it ends with permanent brain damage or death. I've seen two cases in the hospital in the past year or so. One minute, they had no complaints, next thing you know they are in a drug induced coma, on a ventilator in ICU. It's ugly. About 6 months ago I saw a patient that was thrashing around, trying to make words (or so it seemed), being pinned to the bed by the ICU staff so he didn't hurt himself. His face was swollen and he was eventually placed in restraints while they placed him on cooling mats. It scared the hell out of me so of course I had to see what he 'had'. Well, his diagnosis was what I'm referring to...
And what got him there was the use of the same drug that I've just started on. Now. If you think that doesn't scare the piss out of me then you obviously think I am superhuman. Given the way I reacted to lithium out of more than 8 1/2 years on it without much of a problem, well, I had to stop or knowingly walk into the lion's den. With this, I know the lion's den is there but I just hope I don't have to travel that path. Have you ever had to choose whether to function now or literally risk your life by taking meds that are meant to help you? If you have, then you know. If not, I can assure you, it is something that no one should ever have to face. There are many disease states and drugs that can put a person in a place where they have to choose; my situation is not special on any count. If other, more benign drugs would have worked or if the drug intolerance wan't a factor, I wouldn't be in this situation. Alot of people could say that. But I am. And like I said, it is what it is.
And after it all, she has it in her to make it seem a if being bipolar is a choice. That everything I've just said here is of no consequence. She didn't say much during the argument, not much at all. I got up and left before I got to the point where I told her that if she wants someone to blame she should look in the mirror... she could be held as accountable as anyone for getting pregnant by someone with a strong line of mental illness in their family. Of course she didn't really know that at the time so that wouldn't have been fair, just hurtful. There is no blame but the aftermath is a real bitch.
So I take the meds. And I worry. Not just aboout what I mentioned but about other side effects that are rather grim as well. I'm already in several risk groups but yet, if I don't try this, I risk putting a bullet in my head or someone else's. When you look at it, I'm fucked either way. Granted, there's alot I'm leaving out about the known side effects and my risk but some of it is just waiting to happen, and that is if I can tolerate this drug. If I didn't want this to work, I never would have bothered to try it. I hope it works well and that issues are few. Truly, I do. I'm not going into this set to fail, I'm going into this being informed and knowing what to watch for given the fact that the lithium toxicity slipped right past me. If I don't want to be that patient in ICU, I have to know what to watch for. Sure, it's scary. But I'm making the choice with the hope that it works. If, for some reason, I'm tolerating the med but it isn't helping after about 6 weeks, then I will stop takig it under the doc's supervision. At that point I don't know what I'll do considering that just about every viable option will have been played out. We'll see. I just want to give this a fair chance.
Unfortunately, what was said, was said. You can't retract the spoken word. But how dare anyone even insinuate that what I am going through is by fucking choice. If I didn't try, I could understand. Part of our relationship died that day. I could feel it. But like I said, it is what it is.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Enter ginormous run-on sentence (sentance?) here
It is an 'e', right? And I hate the word ginormous. I mean really, pick one. If something is enormous or gigantic, who give's a shit... we all get the point that it's really fucking big. So what's with the pseudo contraction/combo of ginormous anyway?
Well. Six days from now I see my new PhD/Nurse Practitioner who will attempt to medicate me. Bring it on, sista. If I get much more impulsive or mean or moody I will join a circus in Outer Mongolia as a blindfolded and highly caffeinated knife thrower. And we all know I don't like circuses or harsh weather. But that seems like the only place I'd fit in. Although I really don't like to use the word 'never', I will never be taking lithium again given my last stint in the ER so we embark on this journey again sampling other tasty goodies that will either make me worse (not voting for that), do nothing, or help. Oh fucking JOY.
It would be nice to be able to make a decision right now. My pc is croaking and I'm literally about to vomit because I can't commit to which model to buy. Truly, my screen is going blank and I still can't commit. Gotta love the Hypomania switch that has been flipped on. Key Ryst! I was toying with tattoo ideas about 2-3 months ago and had to delay it due to having to pay $1000 in car repairs. See, medicated, I can make these prioritizing sorts of decisions. Unmedicated and in a phase, you'd better take away all my credit cards because I'm about to have enough tattoos to legitimately blend with the aforementioned circus. If I can't decide on one, why not several? Well, money for one, duh.
One thing I'm learning through all this. Fuck you. No really, I mean it. Fuck you. I'm sorry I'm a horrid individual right now but I'm not being that way on purpose. Despite my best efforts, that is a by product of what is going on in my head. Like I said, when my neurotransmitters have formed a mosh pit, we're all screwed and you know, you just aren't on the top of my list... I have to be on the top of my list. I need to get on an even keel and through that, I will be nicer. I am not intentionally evil and irrational. Right now, those just happen to be two of my finer points.
So I will try to sleep. Already swallowed the little blue pill (no, not Viagra, smart ass) with a Mike's and hope to get a bit of sleep. Tomorrow may be the day I get a new computer and I've got to have enough strength to NOT have a breakdown over it.
But in the mean time, let me share a photo. I'm not sure how I missed this guy, but then again, yeah, I know how I missed him. Basically I don't care nor do I pay attention. He's a musician. I listen. My job is done. Why do I care what they actually look like? So he went under the radar. Until today. Yes... this is part of the obsessing that comes along with the hypomania, just to clarify. What hooked me was the dark hair. Pair it with the light eyes and I'm there. I think I find this attractive because I've wished for YEARS that my hair was dark and I always wanted either darker or very light eyes. Needless to say, I apparently find that attractive in someone else. Maybe it's more 'striking'. He does have tattoos of crows across his chest, which is a total bonus. How I can also find the intelligent, nerdy type just as attractive is beyond me. Guess I'm just really good at being bipolar, haha. So... without further ado...
Meet DJ Ashba. He's been under the radar for quite some time. Could be a total douchebag for all I know but I didn't get past the hair/eyes combo. I truly don't care if he is, either, because I'll forget about him in a week or two; that's what happens in my head. Anyway, there's a link if you want to know something about who this random guy is.
And on that note, I'm off to bed. Haha, a pun.. Note. Talking about music. Ha. (Really, not intended. If I'd intended to insert a pun I'd have tried to at least make it amusing.) Must get up in the morning and continue emotionally dragging myself over the barbed wire. Good times, good times.
I hate this template today. *sigh*
Well. Six days from now I see my new PhD/Nurse Practitioner who will attempt to medicate me. Bring it on, sista. If I get much more impulsive or mean or moody I will join a circus in Outer Mongolia as a blindfolded and highly caffeinated knife thrower. And we all know I don't like circuses or harsh weather. But that seems like the only place I'd fit in. Although I really don't like to use the word 'never', I will never be taking lithium again given my last stint in the ER so we embark on this journey again sampling other tasty goodies that will either make me worse (not voting for that), do nothing, or help. Oh fucking JOY.
It would be nice to be able to make a decision right now. My pc is croaking and I'm literally about to vomit because I can't commit to which model to buy. Truly, my screen is going blank and I still can't commit. Gotta love the Hypomania switch that has been flipped on. Key Ryst! I was toying with tattoo ideas about 2-3 months ago and had to delay it due to having to pay $1000 in car repairs. See, medicated, I can make these prioritizing sorts of decisions. Unmedicated and in a phase, you'd better take away all my credit cards because I'm about to have enough tattoos to legitimately blend with the aforementioned circus. If I can't decide on one, why not several? Well, money for one, duh.
One thing I'm learning through all this. Fuck you. No really, I mean it. Fuck you. I'm sorry I'm a horrid individual right now but I'm not being that way on purpose. Despite my best efforts, that is a by product of what is going on in my head. Like I said, when my neurotransmitters have formed a mosh pit, we're all screwed and you know, you just aren't on the top of my list... I have to be on the top of my list. I need to get on an even keel and through that, I will be nicer. I am not intentionally evil and irrational. Right now, those just happen to be two of my finer points.
So I will try to sleep. Already swallowed the little blue pill (no, not Viagra, smart ass) with a Mike's and hope to get a bit of sleep. Tomorrow may be the day I get a new computer and I've got to have enough strength to NOT have a breakdown over it.
But in the mean time, let me share a photo. I'm not sure how I missed this guy, but then again, yeah, I know how I missed him. Basically I don't care nor do I pay attention. He's a musician. I listen. My job is done. Why do I care what they actually look like? So he went under the radar. Until today. Yes... this is part of the obsessing that comes along with the hypomania, just to clarify. What hooked me was the dark hair. Pair it with the light eyes and I'm there. I think I find this attractive because I've wished for YEARS that my hair was dark and I always wanted either darker or very light eyes. Needless to say, I apparently find that attractive in someone else. Maybe it's more 'striking'. He does have tattoos of crows across his chest, which is a total bonus. How I can also find the intelligent, nerdy type just as attractive is beyond me. Guess I'm just really good at being bipolar, haha. So... without further ado...
Meet DJ Ashba. He's been under the radar for quite some time. Could be a total douchebag for all I know but I didn't get past the hair/eyes combo. I truly don't care if he is, either, because I'll forget about him in a week or two; that's what happens in my head. Anyway, there's a link if you want to know something about who this random guy is.
And on that note, I'm off to bed. Haha, a pun.. Note. Talking about music. Ha. (Really, not intended. If I'd intended to insert a pun I'd have tried to at least make it amusing.) Must get up in the morning and continue emotionally dragging myself over the barbed wire. Good times, good times.
I hate this template today. *sigh*
Monday, May 09, 2011
Nirvana - Lithium
Truly, what better song could I pick for the post I just wrote?
~ I'm not gonna crack...
So, ok, so like, here's the thing...
I've come to realize I lead a peculiar life. Strange circumstances and odd trivialities just gravitate toward me and I'm ok with that. I have to be because that's just the way it is.
Over the past few weeks I noticed some strange changes in my health. I said if it happened one more time, I'd get to the ER. Well, it happened and as promised, I went to the Emergency Room. After lots of testing we learned that I have lithium toxicity again. Only it's significantly worse than last time so my symptoms were all different. I've spent the past couple days trying to stay awake round the clock as sleeping caused a major issue. Best guess, I was having seizures that woke me up, then I would immediately feel as if I were passing out. Of course there is no way to know because I was sleeping. Anyway. I just stopped the lithium. I will not take it again. I had over 8 years where it was a positive force in my life but two bouts of lithium toxicity within ~7 months tells me that my body is having a problem clearing it. Not sure what has changed but I won't risk my kidneys or death to try for a third time.
I left a message for Dr. Sadist (who never returned the call, by the way) and I'm sure he is just waiting for me to come back so he can 'put me in my place' again. I hate to disappoint him, but I'm not going back, I just wanted it documented. I will be setting up an appointment with a new doc this week but psych appoints are known to take many weeks to secure. I'm on my own for now. Although I'm detoxing from the lithium, the chemicals in my brain are seeking it in a frenzied state. The toughest part will be work. I have a malfunctioning brain-to-mouth filter on a good day... what is going to happen now?! Sedatives, that's what. Low dose Klonopin will keep me functioning. And hopefully out of jail.
My body and drugs have a strange relationship. In many cases they either don't work or I suffer severe adverse reactions. Not necessarily drug allergies, but side effects so bad that it prevents me from taking them. And I'm not a wimp, I can ride it out with the best of them, but in some cases it is detrimental to your well-being. I am not looking forward to this journey.
Part of me ~ probably the detoxing/jonesing part of my brain that is entering the beginning stages of hypomania ~ wonders if I could try to be off meds altogether. I suppose it may work, until there is an event that triggers me. I think about this because it is facing my immediately. I also think about this to avoid feeling the fear of what happens when I go to sleep. I think about this to avoid thinking about how I have no doctor and I am flying solo. And to push the thoughts out of my mind that remind me that this could have already damaged my kidneys, only I may not know for a couple of years.
But for now, I just want to get through these next few days as it is still rather rough physically. Then I can take on this new world that has been thrust upon me. I don't know why the lithium and my body no longer mesh, but I am grateful for the time it gave me. If I don't stop taking it now, this could have serious, irreversible consequences.
Well fuck me running. This is NOT what I wanted to deal with right now.
Over the past few weeks I noticed some strange changes in my health. I said if it happened one more time, I'd get to the ER. Well, it happened and as promised, I went to the Emergency Room. After lots of testing we learned that I have lithium toxicity again. Only it's significantly worse than last time so my symptoms were all different. I've spent the past couple days trying to stay awake round the clock as sleeping caused a major issue. Best guess, I was having seizures that woke me up, then I would immediately feel as if I were passing out. Of course there is no way to know because I was sleeping. Anyway. I just stopped the lithium. I will not take it again. I had over 8 years where it was a positive force in my life but two bouts of lithium toxicity within ~7 months tells me that my body is having a problem clearing it. Not sure what has changed but I won't risk my kidneys or death to try for a third time.
I left a message for Dr. Sadist (who never returned the call, by the way) and I'm sure he is just waiting for me to come back so he can 'put me in my place' again. I hate to disappoint him, but I'm not going back, I just wanted it documented. I will be setting up an appointment with a new doc this week but psych appoints are known to take many weeks to secure. I'm on my own for now. Although I'm detoxing from the lithium, the chemicals in my brain are seeking it in a frenzied state. The toughest part will be work. I have a malfunctioning brain-to-mouth filter on a good day... what is going to happen now?! Sedatives, that's what. Low dose Klonopin will keep me functioning. And hopefully out of jail.
My body and drugs have a strange relationship. In many cases they either don't work or I suffer severe adverse reactions. Not necessarily drug allergies, but side effects so bad that it prevents me from taking them. And I'm not a wimp, I can ride it out with the best of them, but in some cases it is detrimental to your well-being. I am not looking forward to this journey.
Part of me ~ probably the detoxing/jonesing part of my brain that is entering the beginning stages of hypomania ~ wonders if I could try to be off meds altogether. I suppose it may work, until there is an event that triggers me. I think about this because it is facing my immediately. I also think about this to avoid feeling the fear of what happens when I go to sleep. I think about this to avoid thinking about how I have no doctor and I am flying solo. And to push the thoughts out of my mind that remind me that this could have already damaged my kidneys, only I may not know for a couple of years.
But for now, I just want to get through these next few days as it is still rather rough physically. Then I can take on this new world that has been thrust upon me. I don't know why the lithium and my body no longer mesh, but I am grateful for the time it gave me. If I don't stop taking it now, this could have serious, irreversible consequences.
Well fuck me running. This is NOT what I wanted to deal with right now.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
I've been absent. Pbbbbt.
So I've been planning a little sit-down time with Blogger and it just hasn't been happening. Not to worry, I'll dump on you all here soon. Er, I mean share.
But for today, I've got a question. Does the company that manufactures my pads and tampons think I'm such as imbicile that I don't even know where to bleed... and that is why they put a pattern on the pad to guide me? Seriously? Do they know that once it's in place I cannot see it let alone aim?!
Whatever. (And these are the things that take up space in my head.)
But for today, I've got a question. Does the company that manufactures my pads and tampons think I'm such as imbicile that I don't even know where to bleed... and that is why they put a pattern on the pad to guide me? Seriously? Do they know that once it's in place I cannot see it let alone aim?!
Whatever. (And these are the things that take up space in my head.)
Friday, April 22, 2011
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. This is only a test. If this were real, someone might give a fuck.
So I miss almost two weeks and there are changes on Blogger. Of course there are. Are they good or are they just 'changes'? Oh well, I'll check it out on a day when I care - which is not today. Should anyone read this I'm goint to do an experiment ~ you tell me that you see. I'll put a # symbol at the beginning of each paragraph and you tell me if you are seeing separate paragraphs. K? K.
# I just learned that blueberry lager sounds much better than it tastes. I think this lager is too strong for the blueberry because it's like a murky mess for the tastebuds. Too much competition.
# It's hockey season, which is partially why I've dropped back again. Playoff time and for the first time in my life I like both an NHL team and an AHL team. It's alot to watch, listen to, or attend. I love it though. I'm thisclose to buying one of those big puck hats just so I can be an ass, lol.
# Ok, now I'm trying another method for paragraphs from here down, so I don't know what it will do... you have to tell me what you see.
Gram turns 90 on Wednesday. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to buy things for a 90 year old?! They either have (or had) everything, won't let you replace anything or just aren't interested OR don't want anyone so spend the money. I think she wants to go to the casino though... you go gram! =) (New Paragraph) My aunt just had surgery and is kinda laid up for a while so I'm trying to help take care of her, too. Lots of appointments and shit hitting the fan at work. I'll repost within a week because I'd like some feedback, but it has just been a tiring and trying two weeks.(New paragraph) I have, however learned that washing down a sedative with this blueberry lager realllly gets the job done. Time for sleep.
# I just learned that blueberry lager sounds much better than it tastes. I think this lager is too strong for the blueberry because it's like a murky mess for the tastebuds. Too much competition.
# It's hockey season, which is partially why I've dropped back again. Playoff time and for the first time in my life I like both an NHL team and an AHL team. It's alot to watch, listen to, or attend. I love it though. I'm thisclose to buying one of those big puck hats just so I can be an ass, lol.
# Ok, now I'm trying another method for paragraphs from here down, so I don't know what it will do... you have to tell me what you see.
Gram turns 90 on Wednesday. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to buy things for a 90 year old?! They either have (or had) everything, won't let you replace anything or just aren't interested OR don't want anyone so spend the money. I think she wants to go to the casino though... you go gram! =) (New Paragraph) My aunt just had surgery and is kinda laid up for a while so I'm trying to help take care of her, too. Lots of appointments and shit hitting the fan at work. I'll repost within a week because I'd like some feedback, but it has just been a tiring and trying two weeks.(New paragraph) I have, however learned that washing down a sedative with this blueberry lager realllly gets the job done. Time for sleep.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Well, fuck
Now not only have I lost paragraph/spacing formatting, my sidebar is at the bottom. I have not changed anything! If I can't get this fixed, the blog goes. I refuse to be annoyed by this shit. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I attempted to select a new template and tried to adjust the columns - nothing is working. And it is hard to know what might work when I didn't change anything to begin with. Ideas? My fucking sidebar is back but I still can't use spacing... this is getting weird. And now it's gone again. Seriously - I'm not going to fuck around with this for much longer so if you have any ideas, let me know.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
It's just money, right?
Truthfully, I do better when I see it that way. And, if I'm being honest, things just seem to work out better financially when I don't focus on money. Not that I've ever been greedy with it, but I notice that for me, the looser my grip, the more that seems to return. Of course I'm not one for crazy spending, either. So, why all the talk about money? I'm considering spending $500 of it on ME. Oh, plus tax, I'm sure. I should clarify... on me for something I don't need, nor will I have anything to show for. I want to buy a partial season ticket package for the upcoming year for our AHL hockey team. There are so many reasons that I shouldn't and only one as to why I should... 'I want to'. I'll have to see which one wins out. I'm not in a manic phase, so that helps. If I do it, I'll feel guilty. If I pass it by, I'll feel like I should have done it. In my mind, as for alot of other people, I'm sure, just wanting something isn't enough. There has to be some sort of tangible return. If 'happy' were tangible, the decision wouldn't be so hard. :/ * * * * * * * * * * Where did all my paragraphs and spacing go?!?! Anyone know how to get it back??? Might have to switch templates or something. I'm entirely too weird about things to have one giant string of words on here!! * * * * * * * *
Monday, April 04, 2011
So many things going on, so little time...
None of them are mindblowing, but it's just that there are so damned MANY of them that I'm making lists of lists just to stay in the loop! I'd hoped to skip around blogland this weekend but it seems that will have to wait. Spent much time with my mother looking for another car for her. Vile, vile thing to do. Made it to a hockey game on Friday and hope to make it to the last game of regulation season for our AHL team this Saturday. There are so few things I like; really, truly enjoy. Hockey is one of them. I will update soon and will be checking in on everyone beforehand, so I look forward to seeing what has been going on. And now the drugs are convincing me to sleep.... ~ Ok, I'm back - put up a different profile pic maybe a week or two ago and when I just viewed this post, I realized it looks as though you can see down my shirt. Which you can't. But it bugs me. I'll be changing that. Really going now... . . DAMN IT - why is all my formatting gone?! I have no paragraphs anymore?!?! WTF!???!!! I'm going now, but now I'm pissed.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I, the shit-stirrer
Wow. I am a total shit-stirrer. And I didn't even mean to be, really. Not that I care, I'm just saying it wasn't intended. I came across this quote on a ratty bumper sticker, on a dirty Jeep, while in line at a fast food restaurant drive-thru as I sat waiting for my soda. "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." ~ Mohandas Gandhi Now. I thought that was brilliant (duh!) and posted it on the rotten Facebook. Couple comments, nothing major. So my friend, yes, a real one, posts it on her FB page. Holy shit, you would not believe the fallout! Mainly by one guy who happens to be an ultra conservative baptist. Just for shits and giggles I'm going to post HIS comments to that quote. Each paragraph is a new comment. ~ I do NOT like or appreciate that comment. I think it's totally unfair and irrational to lump every single Chrtistian together into one mold and one catatory. I can only hope whoever posted this on your list sees my comment. This is hte same as lumping every white or every black into one catagory and calling all people the same. VERY IMMATURE AND JUST PLAIN WRONG. So has he or she taken the time to spend time with every Christian on this planet? I doubt so. MaryAnn I'm not shooting you but I am surprised you weren't able to see this as I did. ~ Wow, this really has me on fire......I'd love to know who it was. Very narrowminded person. ~ yea but MaryAnn there is a difference between stirring a pot and standing up for waht is right and what you believe in. Do you honestly belive in that statement? Do you personally really believe all Christians are the same and in a negative light? ~ well that's my point exactly, Liz you do NOT classify every single Christian on the planet in the same catagory? That's just absurd. For every one you've met that's negative or hypacritical how many are there that you have never even met? I'm not being rude, or disrespectful but really honeslty? How many Christians are out ther for every one that you didn't like. I've been all over hte countgry and all over the world and its juyst plain INSANE to think every single Christian is bad. ~ Can I ask you all how many states you've lived in? PLease don't tell me your basing this off of an experience in NEO? Please, I've lived like I said, all over the coutnry and have been all over the world. I would really hope people to make this statement has lived in every state in hte union. Otherwise it's just plain childish and redicoiusl ~ Don't worry I'm done, this is the most rediculous coversation I've ever heard. People need to grow up and experience more of what Ohio has to offer before makikng such an insane commedbt ~ My only comment at the end, since he wanted to know who originally posted it an I believe Mr. Gandhi is not available for comment: ~ Well, it made me think and it appears it did the same here. It's a good thing to self-evaluate every now and then. And David, I find it ironic that you are ok spewing forth that I am immature, insane, and just plain wrong (I believe those were some of your words)... judging me for passing on a thought provoking quote by Gandhi. Oh yes, and childish and ridiculous, add those in. Wasn't it YOU who in a recent comment to another person here a few days back said not to judge you because they didn't even KNOW you? Nothing I can do if you are offended. I posted it because I found it thought provoking, not hostility provoking. ~ You know, his response kind of points right back to the quote itself? Obviously the quote goes far deeper but this is an example. And this is why I often find people who claim to be the most devout (just ask, they'll tell you) are often so quick to judge. If your religion teaches you to be kind and forgiving, I don't recall fine print that says unless someone says something you don't like, so why the hostility? That would have been a great opportunity to prove that some people literally do practice what they preach. On David's count: EPIC FAIL! I will say that I did go to high school with him but I doubt he even knows who I am. I had a friend that adored him so I HAD to hear about him all the time, lol. He's a decent guy. I can tell by his typing that the quote had him in an uproar. It hit a nerve. Oh well. Put on your big boy pants - life is like that. This is why I love blogland and barely tolerate facebook. Anyone that reads this that thinks I'm full of shit will no doubt tell me, but they won't sound like an emotionally wounded lunatic. I love you blogland and my beautiful, articulate, intelligent bloggers that can actually make a point and have a conversation. (Sorry, lost formatting and tried to adjust for paragraphs with ~ but meh, not working.)
Friday, March 18, 2011
It's a sad day when a celestial star no longer shines
I knew the time was coming, but I didn't think it would arrive so quickly.
Today was my cat Benny's last day. The sarcoma increased four times in size over the past two weeks and was invading both the thoracic and abdominal cavities. His lymphatic system was also beginning to malfunction. I could have fought for a few days more with him, but I put him first. He didn't deserve to be in pain, so I let him go today, before he crossed the line from being uncomfortable to suffering. They were amazed how quickly the sarcoma was growing.
As a youngster (maybe 7-9 months of age) he was left behind when my neighbors moved. They even threw his cat carrier out in the trash on the side of the road. I found him coming around and walking through the flowers with such joy that I had to like him. He was skittish but I saw the idiots left a plastic flea collar on him that would have to be removed before it strangled him or cut into him causing infection and possibly death. So that was the end of that. At that time, I had my rabbit (Chessie) and in the summer I would make a fantastic bunny condo for her so she could stay outside and eat fresh clover, moving her every few days. This young cat found it necessary to patrol the perimeter and chase away even a squirrel should it come too close to her. He was rather comical so I named him Benny, after a radio character 'Ben Klingston, Mall Guard'. As he adapted to life as a young adult, you could easily call him a killing machine... which is when I added his middle name Orion after Orion the Hunter.
Until one day he got sick. Some sort of upper respiratory infection that would wax and wane. In time we learned that he was Feline Leukemia positive. He spiked terribly high fevers for days that had me placing ice around him. Eventually he got better and after a few months, we tested him again and miraculously he was Felv-! Another test was done and proved that he actually fought off the virus. The vets all said that they had heard of it happening but never saw it. He was their little miracle cat. But not long after, it was apparent that the high fevers caused some neurological damage. I remember posting a picture here of when he literally shredded my wrist just prior to a job interview. Eventually he was placed on phenobarbital for the aggression but his other symptoms persisted and there was simply nothing to be done about phantom pains. So about two weeks ago we found a protrusion below the rib cage. It was really the beginning of the end.
Eight and a half years is too soon. I will always feel like I didn't do enough for him. That I didn't protect him, even though I know that there are some things you just can't protect against. He is now buried overlooking the stream where he used to hunt bullfrogs (go figure!). For the first time since he was a little over a year old, he is free of his ailments. For that, today is a good day.
For as many times as I threatened to end his life with my own hands during his bad years, I will miss him terribly. Goodnight my little 'Beenie'; time to guard Chessie again.
.. >^.^< ..
Friday, March 11, 2011
I am an island
Sometimes I find it very difficult being me. Or rather, the sort of person that I am. I am so at odds with myself that daily living is a constant struggle. I suppose I've gotten used to it for the most part. But there are times that I just want to hide.
I had to make a choice recently and I believe I've lost a friend over it. A friend of ~13 years. Now, this friend and I have a history of my life not fitting into her standards. She comes from a big family that actually likes one another. Her health is great. She has a great house (her boyfriend's) and then her boyfriend who loves her. She has friends that she grew up with and is still in contact with those from college. Her job is about as secure as you can get these days and she gets paid more than I do to play on Facebook all day...
If you've ever paid attention to anything I've said, you know that is just about the opposite of my life. Though she has been rather tolerant, last year we had this falling out over my health (or lack thereof) being an issue and being the reason I canceled things we'd planned. She's right. Although I can't see how I'm supposed to drag myself out for a night at the bar or a picnic when I'm sick. I could. And often I did, but she never really knew. So this coming weekend is her birthday but this past weekend was a surprise celebration. The night before I'd confirmed with our mutual friend but the day of the event I was sick. I had to cancel. She thought we were just meeting after she went to dinner. I tried to explain the severity of the situation but considering that I had all but stopped telling her anything about my health since the last argument, she really didn't get it. We planned to go to lunch the next day and I left a voicemail message but pretty much just got a terse reply via email. Sent another email yesterday but haven't heard a word.
Is it my fault that I cancel? Yep. But you know what? I don't like that being the situation. It's also hard for me to drive almost an hour and a half one way being in pain, just to sit around and NOT even have a drink (which I'd be getting all kinds of shit over) because I have to drive an hour and a half back. And I'm leaving out some nasty details, too. She probably thinks that I don't think she's important enough to find the time to spend with her but that's not it. But I can't defend myself anymore. And I don't want to be a shitty friend to her, but I can't be there like she wants me to be. I won't be trying to contact her again. She knows where I am. I understand her point of view and can't fault her for it.
But when I get bitchy and say things referring to me separating from other people, no one really needs to judge me on that. This is proof, once again, that I really am not good enough to hold up any sort of relationship from my end. That is something that I have to adjust to. Mostly I have, but then I get this urge to be sociable and it all falls apart. I distance myself because in the end, it happens anyway. Might as well be on my terms.
It's odd. I don't consider myself lonely (probably because I've conditioned myself to not want people to be close) but I do feel very alone. Not that it's totally unpleasant, it's my goal, really, but it is just something I notice.
I had to make a choice recently and I believe I've lost a friend over it. A friend of ~13 years. Now, this friend and I have a history of my life not fitting into her standards. She comes from a big family that actually likes one another. Her health is great. She has a great house (her boyfriend's) and then her boyfriend who loves her. She has friends that she grew up with and is still in contact with those from college. Her job is about as secure as you can get these days and she gets paid more than I do to play on Facebook all day...
If you've ever paid attention to anything I've said, you know that is just about the opposite of my life. Though she has been rather tolerant, last year we had this falling out over my health (or lack thereof) being an issue and being the reason I canceled things we'd planned. She's right. Although I can't see how I'm supposed to drag myself out for a night at the bar or a picnic when I'm sick. I could. And often I did, but she never really knew. So this coming weekend is her birthday but this past weekend was a surprise celebration. The night before I'd confirmed with our mutual friend but the day of the event I was sick. I had to cancel. She thought we were just meeting after she went to dinner. I tried to explain the severity of the situation but considering that I had all but stopped telling her anything about my health since the last argument, she really didn't get it. We planned to go to lunch the next day and I left a voicemail message but pretty much just got a terse reply via email. Sent another email yesterday but haven't heard a word.
Is it my fault that I cancel? Yep. But you know what? I don't like that being the situation. It's also hard for me to drive almost an hour and a half one way being in pain, just to sit around and NOT even have a drink (which I'd be getting all kinds of shit over) because I have to drive an hour and a half back. And I'm leaving out some nasty details, too. She probably thinks that I don't think she's important enough to find the time to spend with her but that's not it. But I can't defend myself anymore. And I don't want to be a shitty friend to her, but I can't be there like she wants me to be. I won't be trying to contact her again. She knows where I am. I understand her point of view and can't fault her for it.
But when I get bitchy and say things referring to me separating from other people, no one really needs to judge me on that. This is proof, once again, that I really am not good enough to hold up any sort of relationship from my end. That is something that I have to adjust to. Mostly I have, but then I get this urge to be sociable and it all falls apart. I distance myself because in the end, it happens anyway. Might as well be on my terms.
It's odd. I don't consider myself lonely (probably because I've conditioned myself to not want people to be close) but I do feel very alone. Not that it's totally unpleasant, it's my goal, really, but it is just something I notice.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
So there's this guy.
And no, not 'that' kind of guy. Just a guy that I came across based on a comment or two we'd made online. We've sent a few emails back and forth and he's an interesting fellow. And there is no hidden meaning in that. The thing that I really enjoy about communicating with him is that he is so well spoken. He has knowledge of the language, forms his thoughts well, and it just reminds me how I've let things slip. Don't get me wrong, he is just as comfortable letting a string of fucks fly out of his mouth, but it is his ability to be an effective communicator that is interesting to me. Most likely when our current topic of discussion has met it's end, we'll just go separate ways, and that is fine with me. It was just nice to be reminded that people can surprise you. And slightly surprising that that particular quality in him had me realizing that it was noticably absent from my life. I live in the land of double negatives and careless grammar where 'So don't she' actually means 'So does she.' If I compare almost any post now to what I may have written 4 years ago, I can see my decline. So this was a nice surprise. And a subtle reminder that I need to get back to a level of communicating that makes me feel comfortable. Interesting how a few conversations about fairly ordinary things actually highlight that.
For the record, I don't use double negatives. I've not sunk that low. Eesh.
For the record, I don't use double negatives. I've not sunk that low. Eesh.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
I'm a total fucking whack job
Seriously. I think I need to be sedated on an ongoing basis. It's the only way I can figure to keep myself from getting into enormous trouble or eventually being the recipient of a bullet to the head.
I have reached new lows in tolerance. For anything. I hate everything and have no qualms about shooting my mouth off. Except for the very peculiar bouts of 'niceness' I've interspersed amongst all the chaos. I've been mean and hurtful to friends, family, and I could be in huge trouble at work because I butted heads with a senior head nurse. Truth be told, she's a fucking idiot and I have no idea how she has managed to keep her job all these years. No seriously, my boss ended up doing her projects because the work she produced was so substandard that it would have gotten a patient killed. So yeah, she has earned that. But it doesn't matter. I should have been able to keep it together... this was work... but I couldn't. All of this hatred and anxiety and stress is just leaking out. I will explode. I'm not seeking that out, it really is just a matter of time. I am truly at a point where I can see how people grab a gun and go on a roof. If I let this all get the best of me at work, where I could still lose my job because of this, then I've got a problem. That was my last stronghold; I could always keep it together at work.
I might see if I can take some time off and go on vacation. I need a break and I'm really starting to think that if I don't do something that I will have ruined things. I mean, in the end, if I lose my job, then I find another one. The problem remains the same: my reactions to any stress. Losing my paperclip is akin to wrecking my car. That is in me, not at my place of employment.
This is my place to be honest. You all know quite a bit about me and so I can sound off here without holding back much. I do have a facebook account and I don't say everything that is going on in my life. Often I'll post a song, and that is as close as it gets ~ but even thought I've known some of them longer, you guys know me better. They don't see me opening up my heart and soul (hmmm, not sure I have either, anymore) so they assume life is grand. Part of it is me because I'm far too private to be on a social networking site. Here, it's different.
Irregardless, there is a change going on and I am separating myself from normal emotions. Dulling everything. Most likely because I'm overwhelmed, but somehow working daily at the task of blocking out most feelings. Because of that lack of feeling, I have no reason to fear the outcome of things that I say or do. How can there be much of a consequence if you don't care if people leave you alone? Of course I assume there is a part of me that cares or I wouldn't be writing this.
Sometimes it sucks to know yourself just well enough to wish you didn't.
I have reached new lows in tolerance. For anything. I hate everything and have no qualms about shooting my mouth off. Except for the very peculiar bouts of 'niceness' I've interspersed amongst all the chaos. I've been mean and hurtful to friends, family, and I could be in huge trouble at work because I butted heads with a senior head nurse. Truth be told, she's a fucking idiot and I have no idea how she has managed to keep her job all these years. No seriously, my boss ended up doing her projects because the work she produced was so substandard that it would have gotten a patient killed. So yeah, she has earned that. But it doesn't matter. I should have been able to keep it together... this was work... but I couldn't. All of this hatred and anxiety and stress is just leaking out. I will explode. I'm not seeking that out, it really is just a matter of time. I am truly at a point where I can see how people grab a gun and go on a roof. If I let this all get the best of me at work, where I could still lose my job because of this, then I've got a problem. That was my last stronghold; I could always keep it together at work.
I might see if I can take some time off and go on vacation. I need a break and I'm really starting to think that if I don't do something that I will have ruined things. I mean, in the end, if I lose my job, then I find another one. The problem remains the same: my reactions to any stress. Losing my paperclip is akin to wrecking my car. That is in me, not at my place of employment.
This is my place to be honest. You all know quite a bit about me and so I can sound off here without holding back much. I do have a facebook account and I don't say everything that is going on in my life. Often I'll post a song, and that is as close as it gets ~ but even thought I've known some of them longer, you guys know me better. They don't see me opening up my heart and soul (hmmm, not sure I have either, anymore) so they assume life is grand. Part of it is me because I'm far too private to be on a social networking site. Here, it's different.
Irregardless, there is a change going on and I am separating myself from normal emotions. Dulling everything. Most likely because I'm overwhelmed, but somehow working daily at the task of blocking out most feelings. Because of that lack of feeling, I have no reason to fear the outcome of things that I say or do. How can there be much of a consequence if you don't care if people leave you alone? Of course I assume there is a part of me that cares or I wouldn't be writing this.
Sometimes it sucks to know yourself just well enough to wish you didn't.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
So, I am coloring my hair. Mundane, right? Exactly!
I just want to do something normal. I watched television today, that's kind of a normal thing. Not for me, but for most people. I'm trying to latch onto the boring things so I can think of those things when all hell breaks loose. A diversion tactic (to be called upon in the future) if you will. Of course me coloring my hair can be compared to giving Tesla unharnessed electricity. I mix it myself and play with the color all the time. It could be turning green at this moment for all I know. Meh. Still, it would certainly fulfill the diversion tactic status.
As usual, let me just blurt this shit out and get it off my chest. Or at least some of it. This whole drug thing was awful. I was able to sweat (something everyone aspires to share in a blog post, no?) minimally and this would indicate that the damage is reversing although it will take a while. Know how they tell you NOT to leave your dog in the car when it's hot because they can't really sweat to cool themselves? Truly, don't do it. If you do, you don't deserve a pet and also - that is what was happening to me. (Plus all the other effects, but this could have been life threatening.) Well, except I'm not a dog. So point is.... it is getting better and that is wonderful. Never thought feeling like my normal crappy self would be a thing I'd be grateful for but I was so wrong!
Minor irritation - $1000 in car repairs. Approximately the first $400 was to make it go and the second ~$600 was to make it stop. I find that very ironic and really quite funny. It's a machine, things wear out. I don't want another car so I fixed it, done deal. Still, the timing was just bad.
On a very sad note, my cat Benny is very sick. The kind that can't be fixed. He has a fast growing sarcoma that has attached itself to the lining of his rib cage and is therefore overtaking his chest cavity and upper abdomen. It grew inside his ribcage where it was not noticeable until the day it bulged out of the bottom. Kind of feels like a brain looks, but very hard. It is basically strangling him internally. His lungs are already filling with fluid. He is 8.5 years old. He is the cat that was leukemia positive and beat it, but this is not at all related. Beating feline leukemia was honestly miraculous and seen so infrequently that the three vets he sees at this clinic had only heard of it happening, but never saw it. He has had seven years that we never thought he would. Still, I find myself sick with the thought of knowing that I will be digging a hole in the wretched snow and frozen ground ~ which is what I did around this time last year for Isabella. He's holding his own but it's day to day. The moment he exhibits respiratory distress, the only thing I can do it let him go. He has suffered more than his share. Knowing all of this, it weighs heavily on me. I am at peace with it, but I just can't understand how so much can happen to one animal. I'm sure I'll write a post when the day comes and the aforementioned comment will become clear. Doc said max 6 weeks (a week ago) but I think we're dealing with less time.
So maybe then I'll think about watching television. Or coloring my hair.
As usual, let me just blurt this shit out and get it off my chest. Or at least some of it. This whole drug thing was awful. I was able to sweat (something everyone aspires to share in a blog post, no?) minimally and this would indicate that the damage is reversing although it will take a while. Know how they tell you NOT to leave your dog in the car when it's hot because they can't really sweat to cool themselves? Truly, don't do it. If you do, you don't deserve a pet and also - that is what was happening to me. (Plus all the other effects, but this could have been life threatening.) Well, except I'm not a dog. So point is.... it is getting better and that is wonderful. Never thought feeling like my normal crappy self would be a thing I'd be grateful for but I was so wrong!
Minor irritation - $1000 in car repairs. Approximately the first $400 was to make it go and the second ~$600 was to make it stop. I find that very ironic and really quite funny. It's a machine, things wear out. I don't want another car so I fixed it, done deal. Still, the timing was just bad.
On a very sad note, my cat Benny is very sick. The kind that can't be fixed. He has a fast growing sarcoma that has attached itself to the lining of his rib cage and is therefore overtaking his chest cavity and upper abdomen. It grew inside his ribcage where it was not noticeable until the day it bulged out of the bottom. Kind of feels like a brain looks, but very hard. It is basically strangling him internally. His lungs are already filling with fluid. He is 8.5 years old. He is the cat that was leukemia positive and beat it, but this is not at all related. Beating feline leukemia was honestly miraculous and seen so infrequently that the three vets he sees at this clinic had only heard of it happening, but never saw it. He has had seven years that we never thought he would. Still, I find myself sick with the thought of knowing that I will be digging a hole in the wretched snow and frozen ground ~ which is what I did around this time last year for Isabella. He's holding his own but it's day to day. The moment he exhibits respiratory distress, the only thing I can do it let him go. He has suffered more than his share. Knowing all of this, it weighs heavily on me. I am at peace with it, but I just can't understand how so much can happen to one animal. I'm sure I'll write a post when the day comes and the aforementioned comment will become clear. Doc said max 6 weeks (a week ago) but I think we're dealing with less time.
So maybe then I'll think about watching television. Or coloring my hair.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I live.
I simply do not communicate. I mean, I do, but... just some swirly days, folks. I've missed coming here. My communication has been limited to Facebook (where I rarely use the message feature nor do I keep my 'chat' on). Emails are climbing in number and sometimes I just delete pages at a time. The main reason for my absence was that I'd started a new med (for a sleep disorder) and the side effects were too much to handle. I had to try to push past it, and then the bitch of it was, you can't just quit the med, I had to continue taking it for another week and a half even after it tried to cook me. No really, it did ~ it fucked with my endocrine system and I was overheating. Bad news, this drug. So I'm officially OFF those little bitches. It will still take some time to get rid of side effects as it is meant to stay in your system for a long time, but most of the mental clouding and confusion is gone. What's left is just all me. ;) It's been a really rough 5 weeks. And you just don't get a break, it's IN you. Hmmm. Kind of like ALIEN. Just smaller and white. And more evil.
So. Now that I can actually open the heating vents in my room without fear of triggering the inability to exchange oxygen, life seems better. Although life still goes on and it has me with my hands full. Hopefully when I browse around blogland I can catch up at least a little.
So. Now that I can actually open the heating vents in my room without fear of triggering the inability to exchange oxygen, life seems better. Although life still goes on and it has me with my hands full. Hopefully when I browse around blogland I can catch up at least a little.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Ok, here's one to add to my 'Kick the Bucket' List...
Yeah, yeah, I know - I'm all Suzy Sunshine about things, right? But really, hear me out - this truly won't take long. See, everyone has a now-popular Bucket List, which is a list of things they would like to do before they die. Now. Given that I'm, well, me... I have a Kick the Bucket List. This is a list of things that I've narrowly escaped or just hope that now that I lived through it once, that evens up my quota so I hopefully won't have to do it again.
Today I have a new entry. Today, I choked. Not choked as in 'it went the wrong way and I'm dramatically coughing', I mean I was choking in the way that my food was thoroughly lodged and I could not breathe through my mouth OR my nose. Which I'd like to add is really creepy. By the time it donned on me that I could not handle this alone, I finally got my pharmacist's attention. The other tech said my face was bright red and I was feeling very weird - I figure the weird feeling was more from panic than lack of oxygen. Like a champ he calmly asked me if I was choking, spun me around, and after two attempts of the Heimlich Maneuver, I was breathing. In addition, a lovely wad o' food had gone airborne and splatted on the floor and yeah, there was pee on my leg. Heh. He squeezed hard. That definitely goes on my KTB list!
Given that we are often eating in a hurry, or in separate rooms or left alone - this really could have had a bad ending. He really did save me. I told him I was new at choking and being saved so I really didn't know what I was supposed to say. The three of us laughed about it later (and I was the ringleader because face it, sometimes the worst situations are funny) but I still feel like I need to build him a shrine or something.
Right as I was turning to put my back to him I had this odd thought. It could have been my last conscious thought prior to extracting the offending wad o' food, and I'd like to say that it was odd because of a lack of oxygen to the brain, but nah, I think it's just me. I thought, 'oh shit, he going to be touching me, very closely... is there anything I have to worry about? Like a water-filled bra that might explode'?! I don't even OWN one of those! WTF?!
So there's another entry for my Kick the Bucket List!
Today I have a new entry. Today, I choked. Not choked as in 'it went the wrong way and I'm dramatically coughing', I mean I was choking in the way that my food was thoroughly lodged and I could not breathe through my mouth OR my nose. Which I'd like to add is really creepy. By the time it donned on me that I could not handle this alone, I finally got my pharmacist's attention. The other tech said my face was bright red and I was feeling very weird - I figure the weird feeling was more from panic than lack of oxygen. Like a champ he calmly asked me if I was choking, spun me around, and after two attempts of the Heimlich Maneuver, I was breathing. In addition, a lovely wad o' food had gone airborne and splatted on the floor and yeah, there was pee on my leg. Heh. He squeezed hard. That definitely goes on my KTB list!
Given that we are often eating in a hurry, or in separate rooms or left alone - this really could have had a bad ending. He really did save me. I told him I was new at choking and being saved so I really didn't know what I was supposed to say. The three of us laughed about it later (and I was the ringleader because face it, sometimes the worst situations are funny) but I still feel like I need to build him a shrine or something.
Right as I was turning to put my back to him I had this odd thought. It could have been my last conscious thought prior to extracting the offending wad o' food, and I'd like to say that it was odd because of a lack of oxygen to the brain, but nah, I think it's just me. I thought, 'oh shit, he going to be touching me, very closely... is there anything I have to worry about? Like a water-filled bra that might explode'?! I don't even OWN one of those! WTF?!
So there's another entry for my Kick the Bucket List!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
You know why Christmas bothers me?????
Because I don't know what I believe. I don't. Do I really believe this story that has essentially been passed down for thousands of years, supposedly accurately? Shit - you ever play that game 'telephone'? You can't get 10 people to pass on one simple story and have it end up the same but I'm supposed to fully and unquestioningly believe all this? Right.
Add to that the fact that 'my' Christmas is January 7th! My family is from eastern Europe and I was raised Greek/Orthodox/Byzantine Catholic. Yeah, the strict one - can't you tell? Now, my own family uses those three words interchangably so I really don't know what I'm supposed to technically follow. All I know is that there is an additional slanted bar on 'my' cross and the churches are ornately beautiful. We never shook hands or hugged our 'neighbor' or even acknowledged one another for that matter. We were all sinners, hung our heads, many wore black with black scarves and we sung hymns in Slovak. (On Easter we would literally crawl on our knees with hands clasped together in prayer the entire way up to the alter thingy for communion. Not shitting you. The entire way, on a tile floor, on your knees. Sickos, they were.) Yep, we were a pretty fuckin' happy lot.
And now some dipshit thinks it's a grand idea for me to string lights and shop and sing carols and be jolly. Fuck your jolly right out your ass. I hate the freezing cold, I hate trodding through two feet of snow, I hate some of my family and if I have to see one more store employee with a jingle-bell santa hat or hear Jingle Bell Rock one more time I'm gonna cut someone. I have less than a week to finish shopping for people that I recently punched in the face... how senseless is THAT?! But I have to - thems the rules of this here Christmas shit. Then I get to buy food for a lovely celebration where I will most likely have to beg every cell in my brain to not punch the aforemetioned individual in the face yet again if this holiday goes like many others.
Give me back my gloomy eastern European faith that was housed in a slightly crumbling, ornately gilded church; the one where my grandfather rang the bell with a thick, old rope. I want my black veiled and shrouded elders singing off key in a language I never knew but could recite perfectly for hymns. Give me back my family dinners, the ones where only the people you really wanted to be there were there. Where traditional foods were prepared and the special dishes used. There were even candles that were used only for that day, year after year.
I can't say that I believe anything about my religion any more now than I did then. I question too much. Essentially, I was excommunicated from the church as a child. I still went, I just didn't really count if you were being technical. I don't know what I believe but any bit of tradition has been replaced by things that mean even less and an influx of hideous holiday decor in October. Seriously? Does anyone need to be bombarded with all the glitterfuck that early?! I do not begrudge anyone their beliefs or their desire to run around like an elf on crack, baking and shopping and wearing cutesy appliqued sweaters. What I would like is to just be left to do what I do. I can appreciate what others have put into their decorating and such, I just don't feel the need to do it myself. Not now.
The traditions, the people, the gloominess of it all, really. I miss that. To me, those candles were Christmas. And the bean soup made once a year only for Christmas, that, too. I have my moments when I'm ok with this kind of Christmas, but every year I realize that what I consider to be the important part of the holiday is so deeply steeped in tradition that the remainder has fallen away and there is simply no way for it to ever be again. Sometimes it bothers me that clarity can come so late after the fact.
But seriously, no more Jingle Bell Rock or someone is going to be extracting those bells out of unmentionable places. I will leave you with this... probably my favorite traditional carol redone by a modern band. The vocals are amazing. Not surprisingly, this is probably my second favorite and they do a great job! Give them a listen or you'll risk the wrath of the wayward jingle bell...
Add to that the fact that 'my' Christmas is January 7th! My family is from eastern Europe and I was raised Greek/Orthodox/Byzantine Catholic. Yeah, the strict one - can't you tell? Now, my own family uses those three words interchangably so I really don't know what I'm supposed to technically follow. All I know is that there is an additional slanted bar on 'my' cross and the churches are ornately beautiful. We never shook hands or hugged our 'neighbor' or even acknowledged one another for that matter. We were all sinners, hung our heads, many wore black with black scarves and we sung hymns in Slovak. (On Easter we would literally crawl on our knees with hands clasped together in prayer the entire way up to the alter thingy for communion. Not shitting you. The entire way, on a tile floor, on your knees. Sickos, they were.) Yep, we were a pretty fuckin' happy lot.
And now some dipshit thinks it's a grand idea for me to string lights and shop and sing carols and be jolly. Fuck your jolly right out your ass. I hate the freezing cold, I hate trodding through two feet of snow, I hate some of my family and if I have to see one more store employee with a jingle-bell santa hat or hear Jingle Bell Rock one more time I'm gonna cut someone. I have less than a week to finish shopping for people that I recently punched in the face... how senseless is THAT?! But I have to - thems the rules of this here Christmas shit. Then I get to buy food for a lovely celebration where I will most likely have to beg every cell in my brain to not punch the aforemetioned individual in the face yet again if this holiday goes like many others.
Give me back my gloomy eastern European faith that was housed in a slightly crumbling, ornately gilded church; the one where my grandfather rang the bell with a thick, old rope. I want my black veiled and shrouded elders singing off key in a language I never knew but could recite perfectly for hymns. Give me back my family dinners, the ones where only the people you really wanted to be there were there. Where traditional foods were prepared and the special dishes used. There were even candles that were used only for that day, year after year.
I can't say that I believe anything about my religion any more now than I did then. I question too much. Essentially, I was excommunicated from the church as a child. I still went, I just didn't really count if you were being technical. I don't know what I believe but any bit of tradition has been replaced by things that mean even less and an influx of hideous holiday decor in October. Seriously? Does anyone need to be bombarded with all the glitterfuck that early?! I do not begrudge anyone their beliefs or their desire to run around like an elf on crack, baking and shopping and wearing cutesy appliqued sweaters. What I would like is to just be left to do what I do. I can appreciate what others have put into their decorating and such, I just don't feel the need to do it myself. Not now.
The traditions, the people, the gloominess of it all, really. I miss that. To me, those candles were Christmas. And the bean soup made once a year only for Christmas, that, too. I have my moments when I'm ok with this kind of Christmas, but every year I realize that what I consider to be the important part of the holiday is so deeply steeped in tradition that the remainder has fallen away and there is simply no way for it to ever be again. Sometimes it bothers me that clarity can come so late after the fact.
But seriously, no more Jingle Bell Rock or someone is going to be extracting those bells out of unmentionable places. I will leave you with this... probably my favorite traditional carol redone by a modern band. The vocals are amazing. Not surprisingly, this is probably my second favorite and they do a great job! Give them a listen or you'll risk the wrath of the wayward jingle bell...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Momma always said life was like a box of random... you never know what I'm gonna pull outta my ass
Although I may be somewhat misquoting Mr. Gump there. ::cough::
So, I took a little break. Wanna know why? Of course you couldn't give two shits but you are probably reading this at work and, well hell - let's admit, reading this crap is still better than actually working.
Said I felt tired and incredibly irritable (yes, more eratic than usual). So, come to find out my Ferritin level is doing the 'how low can you go' limbo, I'm now anemic, and my vitamin D level is just about as low as anyone has seen. Next week I see the hematologist so he can ask me numerous questions ensuring I haven't been exposed to Anthrax or Mad Cow then set me up with some iron and high dose vitamin D. I would like that. Then I may not feel like I'm struggling just to breathe. Seems like an easy fix... YAY ME!
I found a goose. He was in the road looking around and I got out to move him - at 10:30pm. Next thing I know I'm driving with a goose in my lap in the dark just hoping it didn't latch onto my lip... those fuckers can be mean. We had a good conversation though - I explained my love of all things canadian to him and he, by default, fell into that category, being a Canada goose by design. Sadly, he did not make it but I tried. Man, he was awfully warm and soft... I totally 'got' the goose-down thing then, but I didn't tell him! Driving with a grown goose in your lap is hard. Really hard - makes turns almost impossible because you have to hold their wings down with even pressure or all hell will break loose. These are my normal nights.
For the first time in my life I punched a guy in the face. Or anyone, for that matter. We were crossing over into sexual assault territory and I gave him three options. 1: back off, 2: keys in my left hand are about to swing up and clock you in the face, 3: I will punch you - in the face. After he pinned me back, I managed to get loose and yelled at him to back off. He kept saying 'ok' but coming for me again - so I hit him - right in the mouth. Nice way for your cousin's husband to treat you, isn't it? Any surprise I feel really awkward at family gatherings?
Found a job, applied for a job, had a phone screening session. They should have notified me by Thursday if they wanted me for an interview, but I've heard nothing. A bit disappointing but in truth, the job may be a bit above me, you know. It's ok - I got out there and TRIED! I'm breaking the chains of my current employer. And if they don't watch their step, I may punch them, too...haha.
Lastly, I just have to comment on something I saw when I was doing some internet shopping. For those unawares, SPANX is a line of lightweight, smoothing undergarments made to really make you look good in your clothes. Needless to say, all women want that, right? But, being a chunky monkey myself, I really do benefit from this fantastic invention. The model they used, however, seems to have forgotten to eat for the past 8 months. Minimum. And they use HER to show how this product works?! Seriously?! What in the hell does SHE have to suck in?! They HAD to have had it pinned in the back... her fucking hip bones stick out so far she could double as a sundial fer crissakes! Now. Personally I happen to think she is too thin. But that isn't the point. She may be healthy and happy... and almost see-through. The point is that she is modeling an item used to suck in extra pounds. Oh puh-lease...
This just really pisses me off. And you wonder where both men and women get warped views of their body. If this 92 pound darling is in need of a modern girdle, so to speak, then what must the average person think of themselves? Sorry, but they could have used a model that looks like she's at least eaten something in the past few months. Her thighs have a canyon-like gap that is not natural. I can usually get beyond this, but when I know how people internalize this, it angers me. I've been in stores and overheard ~11 year old girls talking about how fat their thighs are... and they are little, scrawny 11 year old girls.
Well, that's all the random coming outta my ass tonight. Hope to browse around blogland tomorrow so I can catch up.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Is it 'practicality in spades' or a case of 'I'm stingy'
Stingy. Stingey? I think it's the former. Anyway.
With the holidays come all the sales. Doesn't even matter if you participate in the holiday or not, the sales and general shopping will be shoved down your throat. Sideways.
For just about the last year, my camera has been dead. I don't know whether I thought I could resurrect it because it is currently sitting on a table in my bedroom (collecting dust). It is dead. It has been dead. It will never see life again while in my hands. Yet, there it sits. So anyway - a few days ago I snooped on the internet and bought a nice little 12.2 mp that seems like it will be great for my needs. And will certainly be better than my cell. But the point is, I bought it.
Now, with all these crazy sales, I should be getting myself a computer. Mine is six years old and has been ridden hard and put away wet, so to speak. I'm going from a desktop to a laptop. Eeeeventually. I already bought my mom one for christmas and gave it to her - she loves it. This would be a good time to get myself one. This pc of mine has really earned the right to rest. But instead I'm preparing to renew my virus protection on it in the next day or two.
The new iPod Touch 4th generation is out - which I really want, but don't need. I've seen some great navigation pieces (Garmins and Nuvis and such) but again, that's a want, not a need. Besides, I can still read a fucking map and have excellent navigational skills plus common sense for most travel situations. I wouldn't even mind buying a used one - I'm not one of those people that will have these items attached to me at all times.
But I'm getting away from myself. My mother is not working and struggling with basic bills. I help her as much as possible without offending her. I know I have to change jobs and most likely living quarters, so I need to be wise about how I'd fund that. So I got my camera and in a way that was kind of a big step because the cell 'would do'. Even though it doesn't, know what I'm saying? When the pc dies, I'll swear alot and get a new one then, unless there happens to be an utterly brilliant deal on one tomorrow (Cyber Monday).
My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and would use something until it fell apart - fearing that another would not be readily available. I am not at all that severe in my behavior but I almost feel like something is wrong with me in this disposable/upgradable society, and at this time of year, because I try to not be wasteful nor do I feel the need to run out and upgrade to the next cell or iPod the minute the new one comes out. Ok - the camera thing was just lazy, plus I looked numerous times and just didn't see anything I liked.
So because I can say 'no' to a nifty little gadget, is that practical or stingy? I think I want it, but it may end up tossed at the bottom of my purse like so many other things. I have the money for it. For all of them. But it just doesn't seem like a smart choice. Except the laptop, if I get something that will be first.
Ick - holidays. My sensibility goes into overdrive.
With the holidays come all the sales. Doesn't even matter if you participate in the holiday or not, the sales and general shopping will be shoved down your throat. Sideways.
For just about the last year, my camera has been dead. I don't know whether I thought I could resurrect it because it is currently sitting on a table in my bedroom (collecting dust). It is dead. It has been dead. It will never see life again while in my hands. Yet, there it sits. So anyway - a few days ago I snooped on the internet and bought a nice little 12.2 mp that seems like it will be great for my needs. And will certainly be better than my cell. But the point is, I bought it.
Now, with all these crazy sales, I should be getting myself a computer. Mine is six years old and has been ridden hard and put away wet, so to speak. I'm going from a desktop to a laptop. Eeeeventually. I already bought my mom one for christmas and gave it to her - she loves it. This would be a good time to get myself one. This pc of mine has really earned the right to rest. But instead I'm preparing to renew my virus protection on it in the next day or two.
The new iPod Touch 4th generation is out - which I really want, but don't need. I've seen some great navigation pieces (Garmins and Nuvis and such) but again, that's a want, not a need. Besides, I can still read a fucking map and have excellent navigational skills plus common sense for most travel situations. I wouldn't even mind buying a used one - I'm not one of those people that will have these items attached to me at all times.
But I'm getting away from myself. My mother is not working and struggling with basic bills. I help her as much as possible without offending her. I know I have to change jobs and most likely living quarters, so I need to be wise about how I'd fund that. So I got my camera and in a way that was kind of a big step because the cell 'would do'. Even though it doesn't, know what I'm saying? When the pc dies, I'll swear alot and get a new one then, unless there happens to be an utterly brilliant deal on one tomorrow (Cyber Monday).
My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and would use something until it fell apart - fearing that another would not be readily available. I am not at all that severe in my behavior but I almost feel like something is wrong with me in this disposable/upgradable society, and at this time of year, because I try to not be wasteful nor do I feel the need to run out and upgrade to the next cell or iPod the minute the new one comes out. Ok - the camera thing was just lazy, plus I looked numerous times and just didn't see anything I liked.
So because I can say 'no' to a nifty little gadget, is that practical or stingy? I think I want it, but it may end up tossed at the bottom of my purse like so many other things. I have the money for it. For all of them. But it just doesn't seem like a smart choice. Except the laptop, if I get something that will be first.
Ick - holidays. My sensibility goes into overdrive.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
When I do it, I do it up GOOD!
Unfortunately, in this case we're talking about vomiting. This body does not readily vomit. I will be sick and suffering beyond belief and yet nothing happens. So the finger goes down the throat and I envision licking the sink (or toilet... depending on where I'm hanging my head) and that's all it takes. Really gross yet terribly effective. Well. The stomach jinnis attacked me today and there were, to put it kindly 20+ head-hanging episodes. All I will say is that I will NOT be eating hummus for quite a while (shame) and I've now learned what happens to cheese when it sits in your stomach for a good 12 hours undigested. It really doesn't change much...
Now I'd like to go to bed and my neighbor is apparently having a battle-of-the-bands at his house. Really poor timing. Pretty sure I can sleep through it anyway.
I've ordered a new camera so maybe within the next few weeks I can get some new random pics. I miss doing that. Also, with a little tweaking, I think I'm going to like this new template on here.
Now I'd like to go to bed and my neighbor is apparently having a battle-of-the-bands at his house. Really poor timing. Pretty sure I can sleep through it anyway.
I've ordered a new camera so maybe within the next few weeks I can get some new random pics. I miss doing that. Also, with a little tweaking, I think I'm going to like this new template on here.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Spoiler Alert, haha
There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I mean, I knew this and have said it on different occasions, it just seems to be culminating in this chaotic vaccuum at the moment.
Given some time and planning I think I'll be leaving. I mean everywhere. No forwarding address. For some reason I can't interact with others. Nothing will ever be right with me. These are things I can't change and for as many years as I've been alive, no one has found a way to help me.
I'll leave, reinvent, and struggle again - just in a new place with new people. Maybe I can learn to keep my distance and my mouth shut. Or maybe just one. I can't keep going on hurting people I care about, and even myself. If I can narrow down the list, then I will have met with success.
Something is just wrong and I don't think there is a way to fix it.
Given some time and planning I think I'll be leaving. I mean everywhere. No forwarding address. For some reason I can't interact with others. Nothing will ever be right with me. These are things I can't change and for as many years as I've been alive, no one has found a way to help me.
I'll leave, reinvent, and struggle again - just in a new place with new people. Maybe I can learn to keep my distance and my mouth shut. Or maybe just one. I can't keep going on hurting people I care about, and even myself. If I can narrow down the list, then I will have met with success.
Something is just wrong and I don't think there is a way to fix it.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Second in a series on 'the life and times' of LiVEwiRe
I wrote the previous post first because I knew it would be easier and because I didn't really know what to think about the topic I'm going to write about now. Funny thing is, I still have no idea. But I'm making progress. As I see it, I've got to blurt it out so I can really see what I think. I know there are few people reading this blog these days and I don't think anything I say is really going to shock anyone. If it does, well, so be it. I'll be damned if I'll apologize for the level of odd in my life to anyone.
Background - go here.
And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I had an appointment to get test results. On the bright side I guessed immediately that the doc ruled out lung cancer when he walked in, hugged me and immediately kissed me. Yep - full on, just like last time. This man is interested in me. I do not know of anyone, ANYONE, who has been to any medical appointment where their doctor has given them a lingering kiss four times in less than 20 minutes. Or at all, for that matter. (Still, no molar licking, thank god - this is pretty much awkward enough.) Out of that time, about five minutes was spent with him having his hands behind my head - so our faces were really close. He made comments to me and I knew that he was trying to gauge my response - he wanted to know my interest level. As in, would I consider additional smooching outside work - haha.
So, here's the question - would I? Like I said in the other post, I've had this harmless crush on him for years. I don't think he's available. But I don't know. His circumstances may have changed. I never really thought he'd be so, so, intimate (?) during my appointment. I will say, in his defense, that he addressed the situation at hand, discussed another medical concern with me. He listened to my heart and lungs with not so much as a hint of inappropriate behavior - he was total business. We talked about a diagnosis given to me by another doc and he really gave me some good insight. He was the professional he is paid to be.
So where does this switch come into play? He's made it clear that he's interested. Oddly, he even commented on the fact that he sees me on the nursing floors all the time and commented on my rapport and outspoken nature with the nurses. Ok... so does this mean you're listening and paying attention when I'm around? I told him flat out that I've seen him many times and opted to not bother him because he looked busy. I was respecting his profession and responsibility to his patients. But he knew I was there.
Here's the deal. I do like this guy. In general, I mean. All I have to do is suggest coffee or something like that and it's on. And I don't know if I want that because I don't know his status. I would totally go have a cup of coffee with him even if he is still married - that isn't a big deal, married people do have friends. But even if it's just a cup of coffee, he's a physician... a specialist in the area. Very well known. That simple act could cause him serious grief. The most I'd lose is my job and we all know how I feel about my job. But I have to be ready if he insinuates he's interested in more. Just to say - when I left the exam room he gave me another hug - full body, like last time. Apparently he was really, really happy to see me. And yes, that's what I mean.
I have never had any grand scheme to 'land a doctor'. (Although given my something-always-going-on state of health it would be convenient, lol.) Whether you sweep floors part time or are an astrophysicist, I really don't care. I don't want anyone's money or status. If I like you, I like you.
Perhaps I'll tell him we should meet for coffee sometime and leave it at that. Let him take it from there. Nothing has to happen and I'm not sure either one of us would want anything more to happen. Granted, it was clear that he was pretty glad to see me, but sometimes that's all it is. I do have a feeling that all I'd have to do is say the word and clothes would be on the floor. Really, his behavior was pretty bold, yet he's not a pushy guy. I don't need to be anyone's second in line. Won't be. I'd just like to get the chance to truly talk to him over coffee and see what he's like.
I have to laugh. I really do. It's a bit of an awkward laugh, but I'm finding some humor nonetheless.
Background - go here.
And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I had an appointment to get test results. On the bright side I guessed immediately that the doc ruled out lung cancer when he walked in, hugged me and immediately kissed me. Yep - full on, just like last time. This man is interested in me. I do not know of anyone, ANYONE, who has been to any medical appointment where their doctor has given them a lingering kiss four times in less than 20 minutes. Or at all, for that matter. (Still, no molar licking, thank god - this is pretty much awkward enough.) Out of that time, about five minutes was spent with him having his hands behind my head - so our faces were really close. He made comments to me and I knew that he was trying to gauge my response - he wanted to know my interest level. As in, would I consider additional smooching outside work - haha.
So, here's the question - would I? Like I said in the other post, I've had this harmless crush on him for years. I don't think he's available. But I don't know. His circumstances may have changed. I never really thought he'd be so, so, intimate (?) during my appointment. I will say, in his defense, that he addressed the situation at hand, discussed another medical concern with me. He listened to my heart and lungs with not so much as a hint of inappropriate behavior - he was total business. We talked about a diagnosis given to me by another doc and he really gave me some good insight. He was the professional he is paid to be.
So where does this switch come into play? He's made it clear that he's interested. Oddly, he even commented on the fact that he sees me on the nursing floors all the time and commented on my rapport and outspoken nature with the nurses. Ok... so does this mean you're listening and paying attention when I'm around? I told him flat out that I've seen him many times and opted to not bother him because he looked busy. I was respecting his profession and responsibility to his patients. But he knew I was there.
Here's the deal. I do like this guy. In general, I mean. All I have to do is suggest coffee or something like that and it's on. And I don't know if I want that because I don't know his status. I would totally go have a cup of coffee with him even if he is still married - that isn't a big deal, married people do have friends. But even if it's just a cup of coffee, he's a physician... a specialist in the area. Very well known. That simple act could cause him serious grief. The most I'd lose is my job and we all know how I feel about my job. But I have to be ready if he insinuates he's interested in more. Just to say - when I left the exam room he gave me another hug - full body, like last time. Apparently he was really, really happy to see me. And yes, that's what I mean.
I have never had any grand scheme to 'land a doctor'. (Although given my something-always-going-on state of health it would be convenient, lol.) Whether you sweep floors part time or are an astrophysicist, I really don't care. I don't want anyone's money or status. If I like you, I like you.
Perhaps I'll tell him we should meet for coffee sometime and leave it at that. Let him take it from there. Nothing has to happen and I'm not sure either one of us would want anything more to happen. Granted, it was clear that he was pretty glad to see me, but sometimes that's all it is. I do have a feeling that all I'd have to do is say the word and clothes would be on the floor. Really, his behavior was pretty bold, yet he's not a pushy guy. I don't need to be anyone's second in line. Won't be. I'd just like to get the chance to truly talk to him over coffee and see what he's like.
I have to laugh. I really do. It's a bit of an awkward laugh, but I'm finding some humor nonetheless.
Well hot damn, I got a makeover! But that still doesn't trump my day.
Truth is, this day has been so odd that I will have to break it into two posts. Which, given the order these are being typed, you'll see that disclaimer after reading the other, which will show as the first but actually be the second. Technology is a slippery bugger.
Ok, I went to my cousin's birthday party at the bar where she works. Since I had to work, I didn't get there til 10:30pm, well after the majority of partygoers were slurring and hanging on one another. Meh, that's how it is there. Cousin's hubby likes me. Alot. More than he should. And I'd appreciate it if he didn't try to slip his hands down inside the back of my jeans. He's a nice guy, I actually do really like him as a person - he's got a good heart. It's just those wandering hands he needs to work on. Trying to hang out and talk (everyone, mind you) means you have to lean in close to hear over the DJ. Hands trying to wander in shirt. You get the idea. He told me when I first got there that he just is really attracted to me and finds me incredibly sexy, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ok, obviously this is true because he's been trying to get with me for years. Apparently he forgets he's married to my cousin. I cannot say a word to her. Long story but it would end up being my fault, even if I told her so that she knew what he was doing. Tough situation for me to know that she's in and she doesn't even know she's in it. Perhaps I have to face the fact that some people have odd interactions in their relationships and that it isn't my business. Except that it is because he's all over me. I'm artful in getting out of it and avoiding anything that would seem out of the ordinary to the casual onlooker. Problem is, one day there will be more than a casual onlooker.
But I went, as promised and had an ok time. One shot, one beer and that was it. Stayed a couple hours and drove a drunk friend home. I can't say I miss those days. For the record, grape vodka sounds a hell of alot better than it tastes.
So the night ended, no hard feelings. I'm starting to recognize others as the flawed individuals that they are... that we all are. That I am. It makes it easier to remind myself that I am just as flawed and have no room to judge. I may not like it and have every right to avoid it or speak my mind, but no ones stupid flaws (as such) should overshadow the good they are capable of and live everyday. Does it make it slightly shady and kind of shitty? Sure. But we're all human and that is just what we do.
Happy birthday 'cuz! xoxo
Ok, I went to my cousin's birthday party at the bar where she works. Since I had to work, I didn't get there til 10:30pm, well after the majority of partygoers were slurring and hanging on one another. Meh, that's how it is there. Cousin's hubby likes me. Alot. More than he should. And I'd appreciate it if he didn't try to slip his hands down inside the back of my jeans. He's a nice guy, I actually do really like him as a person - he's got a good heart. It's just those wandering hands he needs to work on. Trying to hang out and talk (everyone, mind you) means you have to lean in close to hear over the DJ. Hands trying to wander in shirt. You get the idea. He told me when I first got there that he just is really attracted to me and finds me incredibly sexy, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ok, obviously this is true because he's been trying to get with me for years. Apparently he forgets he's married to my cousin. I cannot say a word to her. Long story but it would end up being my fault, even if I told her so that she knew what he was doing. Tough situation for me to know that she's in and she doesn't even know she's in it. Perhaps I have to face the fact that some people have odd interactions in their relationships and that it isn't my business. Except that it is because he's all over me. I'm artful in getting out of it and avoiding anything that would seem out of the ordinary to the casual onlooker. Problem is, one day there will be more than a casual onlooker.
But I went, as promised and had an ok time. One shot, one beer and that was it. Stayed a couple hours and drove a drunk friend home. I can't say I miss those days. For the record, grape vodka sounds a hell of alot better than it tastes.
So the night ended, no hard feelings. I'm starting to recognize others as the flawed individuals that they are... that we all are. That I am. It makes it easier to remind myself that I am just as flawed and have no room to judge. I may not like it and have every right to avoid it or speak my mind, but no ones stupid flaws (as such) should overshadow the good they are capable of and live everyday. Does it make it slightly shady and kind of shitty? Sure. But we're all human and that is just what we do.
Happy birthday 'cuz! xoxo
Friday, November 19, 2010
If I told you what I wanted to say, you'd think I was nuts
More accurately, it would solidify your near-perfect hunch that I'm nuttier than you already believe me to be. So I'm going to talk about something else. A few something elses.
I made plans to meet with a girl that I used to be best friends with for a couple years in high school. Lost all contact for many years until a family member ran into her and say, 'Hey, aren't you so-and-so?' and so goes the story. We communicate by facebook grunts and I finally figured shit or get off the fuckin' pot! So we're meeting for coffee this weekend. Whatever. It's either fun or it's not - I'm ok with it either way. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter if it's a one time deal or not. Then I think I'm going to dinner with another friend, got invited to a bar with yet another friend, and will be going to my cousin's drunken birthday bash in just about 22 hours. They will be drunk, I'll be getting off work. I could really pass on almost all these things (and should because I have so much to do around the house) but that's the easy way out. I'm sure I'll do at least two of the four things - that's still awesome for me. Last week I went to dinner and two parties. What on earth is going on here, people?!
This past week and a half to two weeks have been a bit stressful as far as health goes. One more set of big test results tomorrow - hope I pass with flying colors. I'm not really worrying though, because what is, already is. No use in wondering 'what if'. Hoping this particular saga is ending but I still have to retest in six months from last week's saga. I don't mind talking about it, just not yet. No need to put it in my mind before bed. Like I said, what is, is.
Oh, I know what else... guess what I saw a couple days ago? No, come on - a real guess. Well, perched high atop a deadwood, I saw a bald eagle! Yay me! This is the third time I've seen one over maybe 3-4 years but still, it is amazing. It's hunting season - I wish I could hide it from all the yahoos out there that'd like to mount it on their wall but I can't. There is something special about seeing them so close to home, just hanging out.
Lastly, my kitty saga goes on. The little booger I picked up roadside? Well, he's back with me (long story - I'll spare you) but supposedly has to stay outside - the enclosed patio only with bad weather. Well, he's already sneezing and horking and gagging and has quite the lovely runny eye. Fuck. It's clear, so it may not be an infection - perhaps an allergic reaction to all the crumbling leaves and mold outside. He really doesn't have much of an immune system in that respect. So I've got to decide whether to medicate, which isn't the bad part. The bad part is that if he can't stay out because he's always sick, I have no idea what to do. This was his last option before euthanasia. We'll see.
And I'm back in touch with my half sister again. Which I still can't grasp.
And somehow the holidays are coming up. ::sigh::
I guess I just had to say these things somewhere, somehow. Only so much can build up in my head without a release.
I made plans to meet with a girl that I used to be best friends with for a couple years in high school. Lost all contact for many years until a family member ran into her and say, 'Hey, aren't you so-and-so?' and so goes the story. We communicate by facebook grunts and I finally figured shit or get off the fuckin' pot! So we're meeting for coffee this weekend. Whatever. It's either fun or it's not - I'm ok with it either way. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter if it's a one time deal or not. Then I think I'm going to dinner with another friend, got invited to a bar with yet another friend, and will be going to my cousin's drunken birthday bash in just about 22 hours. They will be drunk, I'll be getting off work. I could really pass on almost all these things (and should because I have so much to do around the house) but that's the easy way out. I'm sure I'll do at least two of the four things - that's still awesome for me. Last week I went to dinner and two parties. What on earth is going on here, people?!
This past week and a half to two weeks have been a bit stressful as far as health goes. One more set of big test results tomorrow - hope I pass with flying colors. I'm not really worrying though, because what is, already is. No use in wondering 'what if'. Hoping this particular saga is ending but I still have to retest in six months from last week's saga. I don't mind talking about it, just not yet. No need to put it in my mind before bed. Like I said, what is, is.
Oh, I know what else... guess what I saw a couple days ago? No, come on - a real guess. Well, perched high atop a deadwood, I saw a bald eagle! Yay me! This is the third time I've seen one over maybe 3-4 years but still, it is amazing. It's hunting season - I wish I could hide it from all the yahoos out there that'd like to mount it on their wall but I can't. There is something special about seeing them so close to home, just hanging out.
Lastly, my kitty saga goes on. The little booger I picked up roadside? Well, he's back with me (long story - I'll spare you) but supposedly has to stay outside - the enclosed patio only with bad weather. Well, he's already sneezing and horking and gagging and has quite the lovely runny eye. Fuck. It's clear, so it may not be an infection - perhaps an allergic reaction to all the crumbling leaves and mold outside. He really doesn't have much of an immune system in that respect. So I've got to decide whether to medicate, which isn't the bad part. The bad part is that if he can't stay out because he's always sick, I have no idea what to do. This was his last option before euthanasia. We'll see.
And I'm back in touch with my half sister again. Which I still can't grasp.
And somehow the holidays are coming up. ::sigh::
I guess I just had to say these things somewhere, somehow. Only so much can build up in my head without a release.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Just a word relating to privacy and modern times
Eventually I caved and got a Facebook account this summer. I use it to get updates from musicians regarding cd release dates, concerts... I use it to get updates from stores, parks, businesses and local points of interest so that the information comes to me, I don't have to find it. Of course I play a couple of games now and then and comment on friends' walls as well as send the occasional message.
Now. My settings are minimal as far as who can see what. It's limited to friends and there are less than 50. In Facebook terms I might as well not even have a page because of that. Truth be told, that's too many for me. I have JUST allowed a pic of me (other than in Halloween garb) to be tagged with my name (consequently, only my first and middle names - not my last name, so no one can really search me). Everything appears to be blocked right where I want it to be blocked.
I just found that in two instances, a former friend (that doesn't really get the 'former' thing) has somehow been able to comment on comments I've made on a mutual friend's wall. Now. I am supposed to be invisible to him unless we are on a common page (think Pepsi or Volkswagen). All my settings hold. We know several of the same people. At this point I told our mutual friend that I will not be commenting on anything she says as I do not want this guy up my ass. If I did, he'd be one of my friends on Facebook. I've ignored his request.
Yes, it may seem like an overreaction, but it really isn't. If HE can see me, who else? I've made my life's work maintaining anonymity for safety reasons. It is now a habit I will most likely never break. There were people I had to hide from. Still people that I don't want finding me and for very good reason. Yet somehow this weasly little fucker can see me? If he sees my comments elsewhere and comments on them, I'll have no option but to delete all the people on my account and just keep the public pages.
If that doesn't work, I'll delete the whole account - it's not that big of a deal. Just a few adjustments I'd have to make. And this is precisely WHY I put off dealing with Facebook for so long. Nothing is private, even when it appears to be. There is always some glitch or override mechanism that will expose you.
This is why I like it here. It feels much safer. Why I thought I'd be ok with using a social networking site in the way it was intended is beyond me. Perhaps my pared down version will be better. I do not do well with my privacy being breached. Geez - look how long it took me to put up a pic on here! And it's dark at that.
One day I shall be a hermitess... With a blog. ;)
Now. My settings are minimal as far as who can see what. It's limited to friends and there are less than 50. In Facebook terms I might as well not even have a page because of that. Truth be told, that's too many for me. I have JUST allowed a pic of me (other than in Halloween garb) to be tagged with my name (consequently, only my first and middle names - not my last name, so no one can really search me). Everything appears to be blocked right where I want it to be blocked.
I just found that in two instances, a former friend (that doesn't really get the 'former' thing) has somehow been able to comment on comments I've made on a mutual friend's wall. Now. I am supposed to be invisible to him unless we are on a common page (think Pepsi or Volkswagen). All my settings hold. We know several of the same people. At this point I told our mutual friend that I will not be commenting on anything she says as I do not want this guy up my ass. If I did, he'd be one of my friends on Facebook. I've ignored his request.
Yes, it may seem like an overreaction, but it really isn't. If HE can see me, who else? I've made my life's work maintaining anonymity for safety reasons. It is now a habit I will most likely never break. There were people I had to hide from. Still people that I don't want finding me and for very good reason. Yet somehow this weasly little fucker can see me? If he sees my comments elsewhere and comments on them, I'll have no option but to delete all the people on my account and just keep the public pages.
If that doesn't work, I'll delete the whole account - it's not that big of a deal. Just a few adjustments I'd have to make. And this is precisely WHY I put off dealing with Facebook for so long. Nothing is private, even when it appears to be. There is always some glitch or override mechanism that will expose you.
This is why I like it here. It feels much safer. Why I thought I'd be ok with using a social networking site in the way it was intended is beyond me. Perhaps my pared down version will be better. I do not do well with my privacy being breached. Geez - look how long it took me to put up a pic on here! And it's dark at that.
One day I shall be a hermitess... With a blog. ;)
Monday, November 01, 2010
Forty Six and 2
It started with a bit of flirting. The kind that has no basis, just that you are all in a room together and you've all been talking long enough so that when one ever-so-slightly suggestive comment is made, various people pipe up with their come backs. Just that kind.
There was some slight escalation and I got this super quick, really light (almost not there) kiss from this guy. Kind of surprised because I really get the idea that over the past couple years that I've been vaguely acquainted with him, that he really doesn't care to even be around me. No big deal because I think he's kind of an ass from what I know, which isn't much.
Maybe an hour or so later we were clearing things to clean up from the party and he made a comment about it being a good time to give me my official halloween kiss. I could see where this was going but I let it go there. He was my experiment. A few escalating kisses later and I sort of gently pushed him away explaining that we'd better get down there with everyone else.
I felt nothing. Not one single thing. At all. That's why I called him my experiment. He's quirky, has fun stories, is attractive and is all muscle because of his job (still an ass, but an interesting one, at least). You'd think some kiss time with this guy would illicit some sort of response, even given his tendency to be an ass. Something. But nope. Nothing. I think I've dulled my senses (in that respect) to the point of near non-existence. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But what I can tell you is that when the day comes that my senses do respond, I'm going to be in big, big trouble.
Because it will either work or it won't and I'm equally frightened. Good experiment tonight - and I never, ever saw that one coming!
There was some slight escalation and I got this super quick, really light (almost not there) kiss from this guy. Kind of surprised because I really get the idea that over the past couple years that I've been vaguely acquainted with him, that he really doesn't care to even be around me. No big deal because I think he's kind of an ass from what I know, which isn't much.
Maybe an hour or so later we were clearing things to clean up from the party and he made a comment about it being a good time to give me my official halloween kiss. I could see where this was going but I let it go there. He was my experiment. A few escalating kisses later and I sort of gently pushed him away explaining that we'd better get down there with everyone else.
I felt nothing. Not one single thing. At all. That's why I called him my experiment. He's quirky, has fun stories, is attractive and is all muscle because of his job (still an ass, but an interesting one, at least). You'd think some kiss time with this guy would illicit some sort of response, even given his tendency to be an ass. Something. But nope. Nothing. I think I've dulled my senses (in that respect) to the point of near non-existence. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But what I can tell you is that when the day comes that my senses do respond, I'm going to be in big, big trouble.
Because it will either work or it won't and I'm equally frightened. Good experiment tonight - and I never, ever saw that one coming!
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