Scrap that

I don't think I'm going to the doc Thursday.  I called my insurance company and he's only partially (about 50%) covered after a $500 deductible.  Fuck that.  I'm glad I called b/c she was telling me how he's approved for my insurance and part of the company I work for...

Yeah, they got one hell of a nasty message left on their voicemail today.  And b/c I thought I had this appt secured I declined the one where they could 'fit me in' in 5 weeks with another doc where I work.  Fuck. 

I think I'm just going to let it go until I can't take it anymore then I'll end up in the ER again and they will be forced to find an on-call Endocrinologist for me.  This may take months, years, who fucking knows, but really.  Really?  Does everything have to be such a struggle?

And I thought I'd have an okay birthday weekend.  Wrong.  I'm hiding right back in my shell like all textbook Cancerians do.  This is the second year in a row that I will not be celebrating anything for my birthday.  I can't do it.  All I want to do is cry and scream and throw things.  I've really accomplished two of those fully and one partially.  Oh, and just be left alone.  I don't feel like there is anything to celebrate.  It's like life itself is telling me to give it up.

It was bad enough knowing something is wrong and having to be patient for an appointment, then getting one, then having it taken away from you.  Still feeling sick, physically, and never knowing when it's going to get bad.  So I give up.  I'm not one of those people that can just put a smile on their face and pretend things are ok.  I mean, I do it all the time at work, but not in this situation.  How can I smile and pretend my birthday is worth anything when I'm literally fighting everything.  I'm fighting for my health and nothing is working; it's like a subtle hint telling me that it isn't worth anything.  That I'm not.

I give up.  You win.  After a full year, you have finally bested me.  Now please move on so I can just fully separate myself emotionally.  Really.  All this being upset and crying is only making my symptoms worse.  You've done enough, there's nothing left to see... move along.