Rarely do I remove a post

But I did.  I'm sure it went unnoticed but it was too disjointed, even for me.  Still, I have to get something off my chest.

I got in an argument with my mother that really hit me out of nowhere.  Ok, shit happens, not like we don't fight.  This time was different in the way that it was definitely brought on by her.  She threw my bipolarity in my face.  Being honest, I'm sure that alot of times being around me is just a no-win situation.  I'm amazed anyone even talks to me considering that I must be really taxing to be around.  So after being in the ER with lithium toxicity for the second time and going without meds after stopping them immediatey, I don't know, I suppose it would seem that I'd be particularly moody or in some sort of phase.  We'd both said recently that it wasn't as bad as either of us thought.  Of course that is basing it solely on outward behavior, not this mess that I try to corral up in my head.  Truthfully, that could have been much worse, although I am often able to keep the chaos a secret so that it doesn't boil over onto everyone else.  I equate it with an animal not showing signs of an injury for self-preservation purposes.  So point is, she actually said some things that either she has felt for some time or was having a particularly bad day herself and our argument was magnified.  Either way, I believe she meant what she said...

Here's my real issue with it.  I understand, as I've said before, that being around me isn't for everyone.  I have a sticky push-pull kind of temperment and a mouth that shoots off far too easily, but not always.  I get why I drain people.  But let me say something, which is perhaps more to convince myself than anyone else... being bipolar isn't a choice.  It's fucked up chemicals in my brain, pure and simple.  Now.  What I choose to do about it is the important thing.  I sought help initially in 1989/1990 and went to various docs and therapists for years at a time.  Eventually I was properly (we're assuming) in early 2002 and I have been steadily medicated and under the care, once again, of various docs and therapists.  Because of the unexplained lithium toxicity again, I have to switch meds.  Understand, this is not my choice, unless you think that permanent kidney damage as well as seizures possibly leading to a coma really give you much room to choose.  As it is, kidney damage from these two episodes may not be apparent for a couple of years.  But it is what it is.  If I continue with lithium I am guaranteed of a nasty outcome.  Basing things on what I already experienced, I am opting out.  But where does that leave me?...

It leaves me facing something altogether new.  Due to drug intolerance and meds that I simply don't respond to, my new choices come with alot of risks.  I know what these risks are and I can only hope that they do not become reality.  Do you know what it's like to have to make a choice between being able to function normally (in the way of not causing harm to yourself or anyone else because of impulsive behavior) and truly playing Russian Roullette?  This new dug has just about a 20% chance of causing a particular syndrome that many people actually die from because in order to make it through, someone has to actually diagnose it properly and you've got a very small window in which to do that.  If not, it ends with permanent brain damage or death.  I've seen two cases in the hospital in the past year or so.  One minute, they had no complaints, next thing you know they are in a drug induced coma, on a ventilator in ICU.  It's ugly.  About 6 months ago I saw a patient that was thrashing around, trying to make words (or so it seemed), being pinned to the bed by the ICU staff so he didn't hurt himself.  His face was swollen and he was eventually placed in restraints while they placed him on cooling mats.  It scared the hell out of me so of course I had to see what he 'had'.  Well, his diagnosis was what I'm referring to... 

And what got him there was the use of the same drug that I've just started on.  Now.  If you think that doesn't scare the piss out of me then you obviously think I am superhuman.  Given the way I reacted to lithium out of more than 8 1/2 years on it without much of a problem, well, I had to stop or knowingly walk into the lion's den.  With this, I know the lion's den is there but I just hope I don't have to travel that path.  Have you ever had to choose whether to function now or literally risk your life by taking meds that are meant to help you?  If you have, then you know.  If not, I can assure you, it is something that no one should ever have to face.  There are many disease states and drugs that can put a person in a place where they have to choose; my situation is not special on any count.  If other, more benign drugs would have worked or if the drug intolerance wan't a factor, I wouldn't be in this situation.  Alot of people could say that.  But I am.  And like I said, it is what it is.

And after it all, she has it in her to make it seem a if being bipolar is a choice.  That everything I've just said here is of no consequence.  She didn't say much during the argument, not much at all.  I got up and left before I got to the point where I told her that if she wants someone to blame she should look in the mirror... she could be held as accountable as anyone for getting pregnant by someone with a strong line of mental illness in their family.  Of course she didn't really know that at the time so that wouldn't have been fair, just hurtful.  There is no blame but the aftermath is a real bitch.

So I take the meds.  And I worry.  Not just aboout what I mentioned but about other side effects that are rather grim as well.  I'm already in several risk groups but yet, if I don't try this, I risk putting a bullet in my head or someone else's.  When you look at it, I'm fucked either way.  Granted, there's alot I'm leaving out about the known side effects and my risk but some of it is just waiting to happen, and that is if I can tolerate this drug.  If I didn't want this to work, I never would have bothered to try it.  I hope it works well and that issues are few.  Truly, I do.  I'm not going into this set to fail, I'm going into this being informed and knowing what to watch for given the fact that the lithium toxicity slipped right past me.  If I don't want to be that patient in ICU, I have to know what to watch for.  Sure, it's scary.  But I'm making the choice with the hope that it works.  If, for some reason, I'm tolerating the med but it isn't helping after about 6 weeks, then I will stop takig it under the doc's supervision.  At that point I don't know what I'll do considering that just about every viable option will have been played out.  We'll see.  I just want to give this a fair chance.

Unfortunately, what was said, was said.  You can't retract the spoken word.  But how dare anyone even insinuate that what I am going through is by fucking choice.  If I didn't try, I could understand.  Part of our relationship died that day.  I could feel it.  But like I said, it is what it is.