So, ok, so like, here's the thing...

I've come to realize I lead a peculiar life.  Strange circumstances and odd trivialities just gravitate toward me and I'm ok with that.  I have to be because that's just the way it is.

Over the past few weeks I noticed some strange changes in my health.  I said if it happened one more time, I'd get to the ER.  Well, it happened and as promised, I went to the Emergency Room.  After lots of testing we learned that I have lithium toxicity again.  Only it's significantly worse than last time so my symptoms were all different.  I've spent the past couple days trying to stay awake round the clock as sleeping caused a major issue.  Best guess, I was having seizures that woke me up, then I would immediately feel as if I were passing out.  Of course there is no way to know because I was sleeping.  Anyway.  I just stopped the lithium.  I will not take it again.  I had over 8 years where it was a positive force in my life but two bouts of lithium toxicity within ~7 months tells me that my body is having a problem clearing it.  Not sure what has changed but I won't risk my kidneys or death to try for a third time.

I left a message for Dr. Sadist (who never returned the call, by the way) and I'm sure he is just waiting for me to come back so he can 'put me in my place' again.  I hate to disappoint him, but I'm not going back, I just wanted it documented.  I will be setting up an appointment with a new doc this week but psych appoints are known to take many weeks to secure.  I'm on my own for now.  Although I'm detoxing from the lithium, the chemicals in my brain are seeking it in a frenzied state.  The toughest part will be work.  I have a malfunctioning brain-to-mouth filter on a good day... what is going to happen now?!  Sedatives, that's what.  Low dose Klonopin will keep me functioning.  And hopefully out of jail.

My body and drugs have a strange relationship.  In many cases they either don't work or I suffer severe adverse reactions.  Not necessarily drug allergies, but side effects so bad that it prevents me from taking them.  And I'm not a wimp, I can ride it out with the best of them, but in some cases it is detrimental to your well-being.  I am not looking forward to this journey.

Part of me ~ probably the detoxing/jonesing part of my brain that is entering the beginning stages of hypomania ~ wonders if I could try to be off meds altogether.  I suppose it may work, until there is an event that triggers me.  I think about this because it is facing my immediately.  I also think about this to avoid feeling the fear of what happens when I go to sleep.  I think about this to avoid thinking about how I have no doctor and I am flying solo.  And to push the thoughts out of my mind that remind me that this could have already damaged my kidneys, only I may not know for a couple of years.

But for now, I just want to get through these next few days as it is still rather rough physically.  Then I can take on this new world that has been thrust upon me.  I don't know why the lithium and my body no longer mesh, but I am grateful for the time it gave me.  If I don't stop taking it now, this could have serious, irreversible consequences.

Well fuck me running.  This is NOT what I wanted to deal with right now.