Neither one is a doorway
But both of them a part
So one foot in front of the other.
(Avalanche - Matthew Good)
So I went to Pittsburgh. Cried almost two full hours there, which was most of the way. Then I got fidgety and edgy. Eventually I fell into a numb sort of trance state. We remembered each other for the most part, but there was something strained about it. Yet, in other ways it was like slipping into your oldest, most comfortable jeans... they remember the curve of your body.
Here's a few pics I took from Station Square.... after that, a few words from our sponsor...
Now, here's the official word from our sponsor (that would be me in this case). One thing I realized this weekend is that I don't know what I want. I want everything. I want what I cannot have. Or perhaps what I feel I don't deserve. How does one convince themselves that they are in fact, worthy? I suppose this is rhetorical... if you really knew that answer you'd be a zillionaire. And don't misunderstand, I'm not looking for anyone to start throwing any 'atta girl's my way - I'm just thinking in text form, alright? I think fear is just going to paralyze me into doing nothing until I am too old to act on anything. Then I will look back on my life and be filled with scorn and bitter contempt. How does this happen? I'm pretty much free-spirited, outspoken, outgoing and intelligent. Yet something has invited fear to come live inside of me. I don't recall leaving the door open and sending out invitations for that. And I've even provided party hats...
While I'm at it ('it' being this thing where I admit that I'm fucking things up), I'll just add this. The person in the previous post... I think they know. When I caught on to this, I came so close to just admitting that yes, it was them. It wasn't anything terrible, you know, just awkward? Then I thought that if they don't understand (as is my fear), I'll lose a friend over what is simply the truth. I'm not ready to do that. So now I'm walking the line between, 'how honest should I be if it means that I could ultimately lose things that are so important' and 'just shut your damned mouth and let it eat away at you from the inside'. Good times, eh?
Maybe it'll just be a free for all. As I look at things a little more closely, I can see that a big part of what I am thinking at any given time comes down to either denying others or denying myself. No wonder I want to either cry or hit people all the time. If I don't find a way out of this spiraled way of thinking it is just going to completely do me in; and I mean really, how productive is that? At least I know I'm stubborn as hell - that's what will get my ass back in line again.
So that's the word from your sponsor - she's a bit crazy. Ok, run along your merry way; it's not nice to stare at the crazy people. Go. Move. NOW!
Wait... I lied. Get back here. So what if it was you?!?! I'd be terribly sorry if it would be upsetting to you, yet I can't help what my mind chooses to do once I let go of the reins. For a moment, you were one of my sweetest, most comforting feelings yet the greatest of sadnesses. That was a tough trade, a big surprise; but that's the way it is. If I had the courage I'd ask directly, but honestly... what if it was you? Would it make you think less of me? [Yes, I've talked with many people today, so I know this is vague... And I suppose that is rhetorical, I don't even know.]
17 comments:
Life is complicated. There are no easy answers. But it's totally okay to take something sometimes, even if you think you don't deserve it. It all evens out in the end, so don't be afraid to grab for the things you want before they slip away.
Exactly. Don't let the fear rule, take that from someone who knows. :)
I agree 100%. It is unfortunate you feel this way because you are an extremely sensitive (but tough), caring and talented person. Eesh, didn't want to come across as a 'Dear Abbey' alternative. Did I say special?
I just wish I knew how to make you feel better, cos I truly know exactly how you're feeling. I think you have more strength than you realise... or maybe you do... either way, the fear is the only thing you need to let go of. Easy advice to give - not so easy to take, I know. Hopefully your writing about all of this helps in some way.
{guyyrwwi - the sound I imagine you making in sheer frustration}
nice pics. looks a bit gloomy.
i was hoping for a glimpse of the wire herself. i hope you work out your quandry.
Jay - I think that's part of the problem; no one ever told me it was ok to do that. I think I better start grabbing... I've got some time to make up for. =)
Anne - That fear is a real pain in the ass, ya' know? Please forward any tips and hints to me...lol.
Terri - The kind words are appreciated, thank you. Sometimes I just look up and wonder how in the hell I got where I am. Or where I'm not as the case may be. Geez, I ramble on enough that I should have everyone's life figured out! (And that is what I sound like when I'm frustrated!!! And add in a few words that begin with 'f'...)
Deryke - It was quite gloomy; overcast and rainy. And you came very close to getting a pic of the wire. I was just in such a pissy state that it would have included me grabbing my boobs and flipping off the camera. Then again...
Well, I read it and I keep coming back so go ahead and sum up that your writing is attractive. Where has that gotten you? No idea. I enjoy reading about it though.
Cool pics, lw. I've never been to Pittsburgh, so I never knew in my head what it looked like. I did picture it as being somewhat gloomy, for some reason, but I never pictured it to be as beautiful as it looks in your pics.
if you can't do the smart thing, do the right thing.
or something like that.
I've always figured I was going to regret something in life (okay a lot of things) but it's always seemed better to regret the things you've done than the things you haven't done.
Champurrado - Lol, I don't know where that's gotten me either but you know what? Sometimes it's not about getting somewhere but enjoying what is going on around you. Glad you enjoy it.
Skrambled - Thanks Skram! If you look back a few posts I posted some really nice (pro) ones... gives a better idea of the place. Somehow I truly think you'd like seeing it there. You should go! (Hey, need a guide? lol)
Tom - That's actually a good way to look at it. I'd rather say I've taken the chance and I usually AM that way. Lately it's like I've lost that part of me. Honestly, I'm glad I have all you smart people reminding me of these things!
Admit nothing! And by the way, if it's any consolation, a person really can't have it all. Where would you put it?
This may sound a bit harsh but it's the honest-to-God truth...the older I get the more I have learned to just say "Fuck it" and
jump in. But then, that's just me.
But still, I'd rather know than not know.
So there u have it LW, lots of support & advice from lots of ppl... and wot does that tell us? Well, not a lot, cos really who actually knows anything for sure?
OK ignore my waffling. U always seem to inspire me to write long comments.
Actually I just came back to say I really loved the pics.
You can NEVER loose a true friend over the truth. Truth and honesty are the corner stones of a good friendship. :)
Been of the blogs for a few days. Seems I have some catchinmg up to do.
"Truth is truth is truth"
What a great comment from me - looks powerful and like it means a lot but really, when you look at it, means very little beyond the literal. Oh, and it causes me to ramble after trying to analyze it.
I guess I meant the same as everybody else - truth is never bad. If you have a truth to confront with somebody then it should be. Lies, half-truths or uncertainties are a different case - truth though is never bad. It just is what it is.
Oh, and I read all the way to the end without having to lean closer to my monitor at work. Felt like an opticians test and I feel like I passed. First thing I've "won" for ages - thanks for that !! ;o)
IndeGrl - Amazing the feelings a place can bring out in us, eh? I'm not sure what your circumstances are but it sounds as if there are lots of reasons for what currently 'is'. As for the tears... they gotta keep the fountain going somehow, right? Maybe that's our contribution. (And btw, why is it pink now?!)
Kyknoord - Where would I put it? For as many times as I've been told to 'blow it out my ass' - that should give sufficient room.
Stacy - I get more 'fuck-itty' as I get older too. Somehow I've gotten off track but I'm fighting to get back to that.
Terri - As I said, I'm glad to have smart people visiting me here - differnet views really help. And thanks; glad you liked the photos.
Chitty - I noticed you were gone! Truth and honesty are the ultimate; every now and then we all face things that we question whether it is the best course of action.
Carpy - Only tough part is that I know MY truth, but that may not be someone elses truth, you know? Suppose that when faith in someone else comes in. Hmmm. Not good at that either...
For passing my little eye test... you can pick up your 'prize' at the LiVEwiRe headquarters. Now speaking of trust, you have to let me blindfold you to receive it! ;)
For passing my little eye test... you can pick up your 'prize' at the LiVEwiRe headquarters. Now speaking of trust, you have to let me blindfold you to receive it! ;)
Now THAT'S when faith in someone else really comes in !!
Carpy - Indeed it does. {grins ear to ear}
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