Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
He said you're really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
(Precious Things - Tori Amos)*
Disclaimer: This will not be a pleasant post
I am obviously being punished for some sort of wrongdoing. There is no way to chalk so many things up to chance. At this moment, I feel like I could crawl out of my skin; yet I know it's my mind that I want to escape. Stay with me here, I need to get this out but it may be all over the board.
To bring you up to speed... earlier today I was running errands, stopped at a local veggie stand and on the way out, managed to pass the owner on the road. He's always been a very chatty guy (and is currently running for a local office) so I didn't think it odd when he stopped to talk briefly in the middle of the road, then motioned for me to pull off onto the grass (it's his property). We talked about nothing in particular and he asked if he could put a sign in our yard. After agreeing, he said he'd be by sometime that afternoon or evening.
Ok, current situation... my stupid fucking timing. It was getting pretty dark and I'd wanted to check on Benny as he was on the enclosed patio and waiting for his cat food. Without a thought I'd flipped on the light and heard somone talking and recognized it as 'B' (which will be how I refer to him). So, to prove that I wasn't rude, I went outside to say hello. In the future, remind me to be rude. We chatted for a while then I started getting this idea that I was being watched; sized up. After a few minutes the conversation turned to talking about who I date but just making it seem like a question based on curiosity and small talk. My brain caught on. He'd been eyeing me up all right, spending more time looking at my chest (see.... I never should have made that comment) and inching closer...
This is where things get a little strained; for more than one reason. He pulls me over into this huge hug but refuses to let go. I am no small girl but he is bigger than I am, and stronger. My brain is going slower. Standing in my front yard, my produce guy/business owner/politician visitor decides he'll cool it. Just as I'm asking him what in the hell that was all about, he pulls me in to fucking kiss me. Did I mention this was right after he told me his wife was on her way home? Brain is now coming close to hibernation mode. He's now pulled me in to kiss him several times... then had the nerve to try to get me to lean into him... no doubt he was sporting an erection that I'd really rather never thought of. I hear myself telling him he needs to go and that this is going to get him into trouble and me into trouble. Although not 'us' because there IS no 'us'. He tries to whisper in my ear that he wasn't planning on broadcasting it but he thinks I'm just so "neat" and he's physically attracted to me. More pawing ensues. Go, go now, go home and don't forget your newspaper, yeah, trouble, all of it, not good... someone is saying all that. He takes a step closer, slaps a hand on my ass and places the other behind my head in an attempt to force a kiss/full body press. Brain has fully shut down. He's asking if he could maybe just stop by sometime. Off in the distance I hear 'well, you know where I live...' mouthed weakly by a voice that reminded me alot of my own...
Now. If you have anything shitty that you are thinking (about me), I'll ask you kindly to finish reading. I don't exactly know what I'm going to say yet to redeem myself but I can tell you that it will contain as much of the truth as possible barring an amount that would lead to utter humilation. Deal? Ok... moving along...
So, why did I not throw a fit and knee him in the balls and tell him to 'back the fuck up' and piss on his sign like I normally react to things that piss me off or that I really don't like? Why did I get all fuzzy headed and lose the ability to do little more than groggily protest? This is where the post gets a little difficult.
Because I didn't want anyone to know. I felt like I had done something wrong (which, honestly, was soooo not the case) and didn't want to call attention to it. I didn't want to explain the commotion to my Gram. My neighbor would wonder. And 'B' is a local business owner (previously owned one of the largest stores in town, as well) and is running for office again. Who would ever believe the crazy redhead? Who would ever believe me if someone saw or heard...
I learned to think that way. Just like my brain learned what to do. I faced some things as a young girl that were just wrong. Much of it I blocked out. Truly - my Gram will ask me if I remember and give me names and such... I recall nothing. I recall things in direct relation, things that posed no threat, but not those people. My father was an alcoholic and serious drug user. He would terrorize me in the middle of the night - coming into my room, yanking me straight out of bed, high in the air from the sound sleep of a four year old. This landed me in the hospital. He shattered heavy drinking glasses on the wall next to my head, held a gun to me, and raped a family member while I watched. I was a little fucking girl, not even five; learning to be helpless in the presence of a 'trusted' male figure. You tell me what sort of foundation that is for learning to trust, especially men. Next was an older boy that used to find a way to sit with me on the school bus. Keep in mind, it was a tiny town and all grades K-12 were in two adjacent buildings; we all rode in and out together. Back in the day when I wore dresses (ok, I was like, 7) his hands would apparently find their way under it. He was way older than I was. Apparently he liked the feel of a seven year old; until I spoke up. My family tells me that this apparently went on for some time, I was afraid that if I said for him to stop, it would draw attention. I've blocked all of that out. Or we could talk about my friends father who, when I was 11, thought it appropriate to slap me on the ass, ask me to sit on his lap, would find 18 reasons to walk into her room at night when I was sleeping over. The worst though was the leering... he'd just look me up and down and literally lick his lips. Now, an 11 year old knows about calling the authorities or telling someone but in 1980 and 81, things weren't like that at all in my tiny town. And so I grew up at a very early age learning that if you speak up, you will be humiliated, doubted, and looked down upon; even if you are right. Everyone will know what you did; even if you didn't want it. I also learned that if you are relatively compliant, you avoid getting hurt worse; even if no one should be hurting you at all and don't bother looking, you won't see it coming so there's no way to prepare; besides, it's so often a familiar face.
There were other incidents that occurred - but as I got older, I found that I'd almost reach a partial state of catatonia when faced with it. If I found myself in one of these situations I'd smile and be as pleasant as I could be (first line of defense... if I was nice, they'd certainly not do this, right? Surely this would happen only if I was bad...) then I'd try to quietly disarm them with wonderful conversation or bright smiles, not once realizing that I was only making myself appear more available. This typically happened (happens) with someone I know, or someone who is supposed to be a trustworthy individual, so my guard is down a little. So I raise my glass in a toast to the fuckers who paved the way for the turmoil I am feeling. You've done a smashing job. You've managed to teach me that it's better to shut up and be compliant so I don't get hurt or embarass anyone. You've taught me that being a fun person with an accepting smile is inviting trouble. Then of course, you've made sure I never forgot a word of it by letting me relive it from time to time. To watch myself become weak and confused, then have to fumble with the consequences; and to this very moment in time... still not be able to actually say anything for fear of the hurt or humiliation.
I'm 35 but going on the feelings of a young girl. I freeze. I become the little girl with a 1970's dress and long, long ponytails, still waiting to be left alone. Waiting for it to be ok and make sense. For the ones that she should be able to trust to stop hurting her; she shouldn't have to make those kinds of decisions. And now what happens when 'B' shows up here? Sadly, years of therapy didn't bring this crumbling down and I've begun to wonder if I can ever make myself available to a normal guy. I don't know if any guy would be patient enough with me. This is a gigantic thing to overcome, I'm afraid no one will be up for it.
I've rambled so long I can all but hear crickets in the background. From your perspective (yes, I know I may only be speaking to the crickets at this point) it may not seem like much of anything, but it is. This will be the kind of thing that gets me killed one day because I freeze at the wrong time. I suppose very little girls don't do well under pressure.
* I specifically chose this song for the post... rather fitting.
28 comments:
woof a flood of thoughts!! Me impressed by the post. Can't comment now :-) Don't go away, we'll be back right after the commercials...
well kiddo,
sorry bout the incident, but at least you are aware now and hopefully it will help you in the future to do something about it. although the whole thing just seems to suck. people are cruel, i'm glad you are not.
Don't freeze again. Ever. Knee him in the balls and face the consequences, they cannot be any worse than that. Chances are there won't be any anyway, because once you've kneed him, he'll be a bit scared.
And so what if you've done something wrong? Do you really think that any amount of wrong can justify that fucker's, and all the others', behaviour?
First off B is a fucker. But of course you already know that.
As for you not reacting the way you feel you should- I dunno. Is beatng yourself up because you think you had the wrong reaction the way to go?
By thinking your reaction is wrong aren't you just blaming yourself again?
Course this is all very easy to type, but to actually change the way you react, or feel is far from easy.
But hopefully, now that you know what B is like you'll be prepared to knee him in the balls if anything ever happens again
I'm with Anne & Fence.
I must admit I was surprised at the first part of the post because it wasn't the way I would have expected you to react. But then I continued reading and it made me want to cry for you because then it made sense. Don't let them get you, LW - you ARE stronger than that.
Fuck 'em!
And b.t.w. you are NOT being punished!
There are so many creeps out there, which is sad, but unfortunately it's the nature of the universe.
Assholes prey on good people.
Well I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't really know what to say to that...I'm also sure that I'm not the only one that was upset reading that, because I'm not the only one to post a reply, and no-one that didn't care would have made it to the end. Caring about someone who is so far away from you, and who you've never met isn't always easy, but just from reading your blog I care, and find myself wanting to give you a big(friendly) hug upon reading what happened. If I had been ther I would have kneed him in the balls punched him in the head and shoved his face into a wall, but saying that isn't really a help. But I think that you should have kneed him in the balls, and fuck the consequences. Doing the right thing is important, even if it means losing a few people you might have considered friends. If someone doesn't like you, or know you enough to believe you, if you told them what happened,then they weren't worth having as a friend anyway. Having the right people around you is important, even if there aren't many of them. You can't let people get away with doing things like that, they must be stood up to, and if people don't belive you? Fuck 'em.
I don't know if what I said was the right thing, but I hope knowing that people do care helps.
Big hug from this side of the pond.:)
Dan
Something similar happen to me too. I always thought it was my own fault. Your post made me realize that I was only a little girl. How on earth could I be to blame for what that man did to me?? Don't allow B to come near you again. Tell him if he does, you will tell his wife and let him deal with the consequences. I HUG you!!!!!!
God Livewire, that's awful!
It's easy for me to say this because I'm sitting a million miles away right now, safe behind my keyboard but if I were you in that situation, a knee to the balls or a good hard shove is what he would've gotten (of course, I didn't have the kind of childhood you had either....which makes a huge difference).
I did, however, grow up believeing that women are suppose to be compliant in everything....the men make all the rules and decisions and we pretty much do what they say, when they say it....and while they would never condone rape or molestation, the men in our family got what they wanted when they wanted it.
Ten years ago, I probably would've done the same thing you did. But now? Fuck that....I work, I can take care of myself and if some son of a bitch wants to "get all up in my business" like that, I'll draw attention to it. If he's got the balls to put it out there, I've got the balls to chop it off and show everyone what a true ass he is.
The whole situation you were in caught you completely by surprise....but now that you know what's inside that head of his, I seriously think you'll handle it very differently next time B comes calling. You are one smart cookie
Not for one second should you be ashamed of your reaction. Freezing in the face of the world being turned on its head is not strange at all. You were assaulted. You were overpowered, and that is a horrible, horrible feeling.
I don't know what to offer to help the situation, other than stay away from B at all costs. The fact that you described your feelings and history with such focus tells me that you will be able to address your feelings when have a relationship with a normal man, a non-abuser.
Before I go on, I want to say thanks you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I know this was a heavy-hitter, so to speak, but I had to get it out before it consumed me. Typing the post kept me out of trouble I may have otherwise gotten myself into in trying to deal with it.
I have a problem being this honest with such topics, which may not be hard to understand considering the bit of partial history I included. There is a chance that this post will be pulled, I haven't decided; I don't like reminders of my vulnerabilities. If I pull it, know that I appreciate every word you bothered to type. And to some that may have read yet not posted a comment, just remember to live your lives with your eyes open. It's amazing what you may see.
Dr O2 - In light of everything, we'll be right back after the commercials... got me to smile - thanks. =)
Deryke - Yeah, I'm not a big fan of humans sometimes. Being aware of how I react, and why, will hopefully help get me back to the place where I'm full of piss and vinegar in situations that I don't like.
Anne - Their behavior cannot be justified. I think having my brain come to a halt and freezing is what kept me from cracking a very long time ago. Now, it's like I have to relearn something to replace it and I don't know what or how. For some reason, this is something that finds it's way back to me.
Fence - I am blaming myself again. Part of me thinks... you are old enough and smart enough to know you need to kick this fucker's ass. The part of me that learned about all of this as a little girl, well, this is the only way that she knows. Eventually, he'll be back. I hope I don't short out again.
Terri - Here, I can actually get a little laugh... you are right; I'm not like this...lol. I am rarely compliant and never keep my mouth shut about things that I don't agree with. So, how do I go to the opposite end of the spectrum? Well, you read on to find out. Sometimes I get the feeling that people can sense a weakness in another person. It's like a predator and prey; they watch for the signs. Sad part is that I had no idea until he actually pulled me in; I mean, I've known him casually for years. I never saw it coming until last night.
Motor - Again... I was afforded another laugh; you mentioned a hug and put (friendly) in parenthesis...lol. I'm not going to knee YOU in the balls for that! =) (I do appreciate your sensitivity in noting that, though.) The part of me that sits here now, typing this, knows that what you say is right. The part of me that was out there last night is acting from the feelings of a little girl. It's hard to find a way to blend the two, sometimes. Hugs back to you (no knees involved)!
Buddess - I am terribly sorry to learn that you had a similar experience. Even if someone deals with the biggest part, there is always this residue left that will clog up the works when it is least expected. If my post helped you in any way, then it was worth it for me to take a chance and feel vulnerable writing it. {Hugs right back! =)} I've also thought that if he does push the issue... how long do you think it will take for me to completely wreck his campaign? He's pushed enough limits, he doesn't need to push this one; I'll see to it that he does not get elected. Believe me on that one.
Stacy - Yeah, it basically sucked. But I'm bouncing back ok. I still feel all the disgusting things but now I'm getting pissed, which is a good thing. Granted, you didn't have my childhood, but you did see the way that people can be manipulated, them thinking all the while it is good, normal, acceptable. It takes time to learn something to override that; forgetting it isn't enough - you have to replace it. I haven't found that yet. If he's got the balls to put it out there, I've got the balls to chop it off...lol. You go girl! And I do know what you mean. I'm like that in just about every facet of my life... no confrontation issues here. But this topic just tosses it all out the window. Like I said above... he'll watch his step if he doesn't want his campaign to come crashing down.
Jason - Nice to see you! Unfortunately it was with a major downer of a post that you came in on. I am still ashamed of my reaction; I feel as if I should have 'known better'. Known that he was an ass? A creep? Not to be nice to someone who never gave me reason to be suspicious in the past? Yeah. And that I should have been able to override what was imprinted on me at a very early stage of life. (I'll insert here that I was raised Greek Orthodox Catholic... lots of lifelong guilt.) Interestingly, I think I just found out something about myself that I've been questioning lately. Your comment was the one to shed some light on it ~ thanks.
I do know exactly exactly exactly where you are coming from. For the same reasons. I'm sorry there are people alive in this world who can seriously fuck up other people's lives and get away with it.
But Damn do some scars go deep. You get assulted and you worry what we'll think about you?!
'B' certainly is - excuse my langauge for a moment- a motherfucking cesspool of an excuse for a man. I look forward to hearing how terrible his life turns out.
Other than that I don't know what to say. You aren't the helpless little girl anymore. While you may be critical of your response (or lack of) at the time, you know if he had pushed it further we'd be reading the details in the police blotter.
Takes a strong person to share this sort of thing.
What a creep. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, we often have a response that is not altogether characteristic of how we'd normally react. But bottom line, he was in the wrong, and that's all there is to it.
This is where I try to type all my thoughts on this but be concise too. I can but try.
Firstly, you know me as the sort that doesn't go out of his way to cause trouble and the type to apologise to myself after doing something.
On this occasion though (hence the line above) my first thoughts were "call. law. now.". Whatever your thoughts are about you, the town, him, your past and a whole heap of other things.....it's still very, very wrong. No excuses or similar. Wrong, spelt with a capital wrong.
If a person does that sort of thing once they will do it again. Statistically, that is usually true - get in first before somebody else gets the same.
I know, and appreciate, what you said about the town and his standing though but, be it concious or subconcious, that'll be something they'll use as a shield.
Secondly, if I blindfold you and throw a ball at you (gently, natch) then it will hit you and you will be surprised. You will have played no part in being hit other than being standing there. Same here. You talked to them as a nice and regular person and this happens. You can in no way think of yourself being part of this any more than being caught in the rain if you haven't spent all day watching the sky for clouds.
I'm actually really upset and angry now. Partially for you but mostly at him. To do what he did in a physical way is bad enough but it's the breaking of the trust side that is the worst.
Chicken Little - Sounds like you have had some of the same experiences and for that, I'm sorry. Sorry, as you said, that there are people that will do this to another. And that you've had to endure it. It's hard to be this open about it because no matter what, I feel as if I'm the one that's wrong. People are sick.
Tom - They do indeed. I try to fight it but, just like in any part of life, we have successes and failures. I do believe that things go full circle and somehow, he will experience a sort of 'cosmic payback'. Personally, I'd like to do it, but then I wonder what kind of person that makes me, then I'll have something coming to me. Funny thing is, if he would have come on my property and say, kicked my cat Benny... you'd read 'Man Stabbed with Driveway Reflector'... when it's this kind of thing, I'm 5 all over again. But if he comes back, at least now I have the driveway reflector in mind...
Jay - I do know he was wrong, but thank you for reinforcing it. Obviously part of me sees it differently but your comment helps bridge that warped gap.
Carpy - You are right, I'm sure he will try this shit again. Most likely with me; when that doesn't work, he may move on. That's what people like him do. Your analogy with the blindfold and ball made so much sense. I truly was only being nice - I had no reason not to be; except in this sense, I had no idea that 'nice' would get me pressed up against a truck. I certainly don't wish for you to be angry but I see where you are coming from. There are things that happen that remind you of everything that is wrong with the human race, their capacity for misguiding others for their own benefit, total disregard for basic right and wrong, and mostly, to be intentionally hurtful. In the end it'll be ok. I've made it this far.
K we are back... I read it throughly. Shocking story. Life is full of such painful experiences but yet they finsih leaving a nasty scar in ones memory. leave it aside. Wish U all the best...
I've just re-read this post and my heart is still breaking for 5-year old LiVEwiRe.
I suspect 35-year old LiVEwiRe will be ok though - it takes enormous strength to write what you've written.
Maybe we should form a vigilante group and go take care of all these f*ckers that mess up little girls' lives. There are altogether far too many of them in the world.
Hope you're feeling better.
Dr O2 - Back after the commercials, eh? 'Leaving it aside' is exactly what I'm trying to do. I think I have to try harder because this isn't acceptable for me. Thanks for the good wishes.
Beelze - I thought you might be able to identify with some of this. Unfortunately. You know, I've had ideas running through my head on putting him in an unexpected place of vulnerability. Just totally turning the tables to wrap up a nice little package of retribution and giving him no option but to open it. Then I feel guilty. Isn't that the worst? These sick fucks teach you that being justifiably angry is wrong. Like I said in a comment above, if he came over and kicked my cat - I'd have his head as a hood ornament on my car or would have seriously stabbed him with the driveway reflector... I do have it in me. I guess I just don't see that I'm worth fighting over, I still feel like (tell me if this sounds familiar) if I would have been smarter..., paid closer attention..., stopped being nice...; you get the idea. It's a lifetime of learning - know where I can get an accelerated course? Hugs right back, hon!
I just reread this comment... I'd kill for my cat but not me. How fucked up is that? Truthfully, my ability to go off is rather well known in my circle. Why do you think I chose the name LiVEwiRe?... Fits me perfectly. Except now, when I need it the most.
Terri - What? You couldn't get enough of my bright and cheery post so you came back for more? Kidding! You know, there are times when my heart breaks for that little girl, too. No one ever helped her through it because they were off fighting their own battles. One day, the little girl just never bothered to mention any of it again. She learned to dissociate herself. That is what the 35 year old one is up against. The 35 year old can think rationally, but the 5 year old one feels just so intensely... she overrides things in the face of the immediate threat. I'll tell ya' Terri - writing this and actually leaving it here has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. And I've done more than my share. And you know what?! I would SO be in that vigilante group! Maybe if I had someone like that back then, this post never would have been written. For now, I have Klonopin, so at least I'm sleeping. =)
Perverts suck. No one has the right to make anyone feel that way, but we all know it happens all the time. I think you should tell his wife, and you should file a complaint with the police, and press charges if possible. Even if nothing happens to him, you can make a stand. You have the power to fight for your dignity and let him know you will not accept that from him or anyone else. He will feel the hurt of being unfaithful to his wife, and will feel the pressure of being held accountable for his actions. More importantly, if this happens again and he gets in more trouble, your complaint will help build a case against him. I don't like the idea of setting him up at a hotel room - it would be fun, but too messy and sleazy, just like him. It would make him seem like a victim, and he doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy right now.
I am more saddened by your description of the chilhood experiences, and how it has affected your entire life. You can't go back in time to "fix things", and it is impossible to pretend things never happened. I think you have the strength to acknowledge the past and move on without blaming yourself for any of it. I also think you have the strength to not be afraid of meeting the right guy - not all men are jerks.
I hope you're okay - hugs.
fern
btw, if I come visit and give you a hug, I will wear a cup.
Definitely knee to the groin material, this B chap is.
i read this at the same time as motormouth, but i'll be damned if i know what to say to that.
i think us bloggers should all arrange between ourselves to give this oily tick a sound beating on your behalf. there's no way your the only person he's targeted, he's got it coming, with interest.
that sounds like a job for instant justice man....i hate dudes like that, they ruin everything for guys like me...fucktards...
A quick reply to those of you that opted to email me comments in lieu of/in addition to ones left here. Your insight is much appreciated; thank you.
Fern - Yeah, I learned quickly that he's an unsavory character. I have alot to consider with this and have to think it through as far as how to handle it. I will say that until then, I find myself looking out the window alot and double checking the door locks. And you are right, there is no way to just go back and fix childhood experiences. Not for me or anyone else. I've gotten past so much of it, with effort, but it's like this one encounter gives me such a set back. I have to replace the bad with good, and that's something I haven't figured out how to do just yet. I've heard rumors about some guys not being jerks... I think I might even know a few. They may be off limits, but it's proof that they exist. Thanks for the hugs... and I think you're safe - you can leave the cup at home. (Nice thinking ahead, though.)
Bean - Indeed he is. And he hid it well for so long. That earns him a second knee to the groin, I think.
Prisoner - This is one of those things where finding something to say can be really hard. But a blogger beating... that sounds good to me. Treat him like you would any pinata!
Mr. Decko - That's right!!! I should have thought of IJM earlier! And you know what? They do ruin it for other guys which is too bad. Fucktards is absolutely right.
Being a survivor of abuse, I understand. And even though there is so much I could say about this, I'm just not ready to have those thoughts.
Blessings!
I don't know what to say. How is it possible that this individual is unaware of what he is doing to you? I have to agree with Anne - become a knee-jerk liberal.
Sometimes facing it is strength enough, even if you feel like it's not courageous. Looking yourself straight in the eye is one of the hardest things to do.
So what if you didn't put him where he ought to have been put--this time. You faced the part of yourself that didn't let you do it, and that takes more guts than that married scumbag surely has.
Take a kickboxing class, and next time remind about that time you met his wife, whether you really ever have or not. You don't have to physically hurt the jerk to let him know where the line is.
Goddess - Given that, I know you understand. I appreciate your comment and would never wish for you to address those thoughts without being ready. My best to you.
Kyknoord - I think it's possible because he only cares about himself and getting, in this case, me into bed. I do tend to be liberal so adding 'knee jerk' might be a good thing in his case.
Kira - It is very dfficult to face all of it but hiding it away under the bed in some dark corner of the closet doesn't help either. And I agree, it takes more to face that than to push someone around who obviously is telling you 'no' and getting an increasingly blank look on her face. I've been thinking of ways to handle things when I get to that 'line' - that way I have options. Thanks for the visit; my posts aresn't always quite so heavy. Maybe I'll see you back; either way, thanks for the thoughts.
Heidi - Thank you. For me, the best I can do is be honest about it; hiding it only perpetuates the shame. Don't get me wrong, I don't readily give up the information but when it has to come out, it comes out. And it's easier to do it to a computer screen and 'faceless individuals' (you know what I mean) as opposed to breaking down in front of someone and analyzing the look on their face, putting them in that situation. Sometimes I amaze even myself that I didn't turn out to be an axe murderer (pay NO attention to the icon pic here...lol). I think I'm just coming to terms with the idea that I can be so many wonderful things, no matter what my past was, if I just let myself. I can believe in others that have been in similar situations far more than in myself. I'm actually teaching myself to make myself view that part of me as a different person. It helps, and in that way I can start to forgive myself and gather the strength it takes to change things. Thanks so much for your wonderful comment.
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