Last night I worked way over, until 1:45am to be exact. Tired yet wide awake from the extended night and the drive home (have to dodge wildlife in a big way), I decided to check out the w3 before bed. After an hour I opted for a magazine and then was on the phone with my mom for about 30 minutes. Somewhere around 4am I took my Klonopin and eventually slept (although not ON my cell phone) for a few fitful hours. After just lounging in bed and noticing how shitty I felt, I decided to check my email on my phone. (Yes, you've most likely all been in bed with me at some point. Therapy sessions are that way ~>.)
Blah, blah, blah, hmmm, check that one later, blah, blah, delete that one right now, blah, blah... oh look! Oh wait. Within about four nanoseconds I went from being delighted to see the email's sender then a little nervous, yet eager when I saw the subject. When I opened it (keep in mind this is a cell phone screen) I caught the end of the subject and knew it couldn't be good. After reading it in it's entirety on my PC I was sort of in a daze. Read a few blogs, reread the email. Got restless, milled about, went into my room to get something but knew it was only an excuse to cry for a minute. I was just so exhausted and spent, then taken aback by the email. So off I go again, get a few things done, post a few comments, reread the email once again and proclaim that I needed more sleep around noon. That was very true, but I also needed time to take in the information I had been given...
~ On her back, the tears flowed freely from the corners of her eyes running simultaneous races on opposite sides of her face. Her eyes remained fixed on the ceiling. Blink: such blurry vision. Blink again: a simultaneous crystal clear view as the heavy tears rolled down, landed in her ever dampening hair and splashed on her ear. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat... In the relative quiet of her small room, she gave herself over to yet another of the small blue pills. Once in a while the words would find their way back into her consciousness, making her mind stutter and stammer over various memories and dreams. Once they were hers, all of them; yet she knew they never really did belong to her. Intermittently, it felt as if some sadistic god had reached into her chest, pulled at her heart and when the resistance became too much, let it snap right back in place, forcing a gasp of air. In truth, she knew it was only due to a minor cardio condition surfacing because of the stress, yet the sensation was highly appropriate. For over five hours she remained in bed, all but unmoving. For over five hours she imagined her tears tracing repeatedly over the same damp path, the same way she always repeated that she craved honesty from others. Perhaps, she thought, it was just the timing; she'd had an awful and taxing week - maybe she didn't need anymore honesty at this precise moment. Then the blue haze reminded her that honesty is what she craves, but as time goes on, it just stings a little more sharply. And given the circumstances, can often seem overwhelming. In her last moments before sleep, she caught a glimpse of a seconds peace, of giving up the fight even if only for a moment. It was tinged in blue.~
Then I had to get up and go to the grocery store. Pissed me right the hell off. You know, sometimes (like now) I'm almost afraid to go to bed. Not for what happens when I'm there, but for what I will wake up to. I feel like I at least have a fighting chance if I'm awake.
I haven't decided on how to address the information I was given in the email. What I will say about it is that this person had every right to say what was said and I don't want to give an impression that their thoughts and feelings are wrong, because they aren't. It's just that mine are somewhat hurt. For responding, I need to think on that. Might do it in small pieces or all at once. Today or three days from now. I've got alot going on at the moment (I know, who doesn't...) and I'm just starting to feel like I'm on really shaky ground. I'm watching things fall away and part of me doesn't know whether to try to pull them back, watch them fall or fall with them.
Getting back to being goofy and sarcastic and random will be so good. I hope that happens soon.
14 comments:
Maybe the person who sent you the mail will read this and realise what an awful person they are - sounds like they deserve it.
Karma works both ways like that. They'll get the end they deserve, I'm sure.
I know it hurts right now, but it actually sounds like you're in a good place, all things considered - when you're able to say that the person who hurt you was being reasonable, well, that's very mature. Teach me!
Not having enough info to give you advice or anything, just know that I'm pulling for you, I hope you feel better soon, and I wish you only good things.
~T
Normally people take in as much as pressure as they can tolerate but when they feel that the limits are overpassed they react without thinking of consequences. I am guessing that person has felt so down while sending the Email maybe regreting it later or maybe even more to come... more info needed on that Livewire :-) but no matter what, I am on your side...
When all else fails, chin up (even if only in the spirit of defiance).
Here's hoping the trio of goofy, sarcastic and random make a speedy return.
Carpy - No, they aren't an awful person and I would certainly hope they wouldn't get that out of this. My point in writing this was just that I was so surprised, then just weary from everything else and yet had no way to really take it all in, that I felt sad. I felt guilt that I would have a hand in another person feeling turmoil (well, unintentionally, I mean). Escpecially a good person. They were not out of bounds with the honesty; don't be too hard on them as I didn't mean to paint that sort of picture.
Jay - I know they were being reasonable, but now they don't see it that way. Guilt is a weird thing. (I'm putting out a two disc set this fall.) =)
Terri - Honestly, at this point I'm trying to get through without ending up as a patient in my own psych ward. Good thoughts can be stored in a jar by the entrace to my blog for use another time. Thanks.
Dt O2 - What you are saying is highly accurate. I know they are feeling down but I would like the chance to talk to them before they run off making any kind of harsh changes. I can understand feeling that way, it's a touchy topic, yet I havne't turned to run (just cry) and I certainly hope they don't run and left it all unsettled. We'll see, I'm sending an email right after this. Thanks for the support.
Jason - Yeah.... it would be in defiance, too. (Hey wait, how long have you known me? Am I THAT transparent?...lol)
Chitty - She's in here somewhere, I promise.
You might be right about how they feel, maybe my post was a gut reaction from me - and Dr O2's line on things sounds pretty well thought out too.
I'm a little lost here.
Whoever said "sticks & stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" was dead wrong. Negative words & comments hurt, destroy, & maim the psyche.
Cheers :)
Carpy - Gut reactions are allowed but I agree with you, the good doc might be onto something.
Memphis Steve - It's ok, the tour guide will be along shortly. Until then, have one of these little blue pills.
Farzad - Welcome! You know, you are right about that one! I think the timing has alot to do with it, too. Sometimes we seem impervious, other times... not so much.
awww I don't really know what to say so I'm just gonna send you a hug - I hate when I feel out of sorts like that.... ever since I was a little kid I've done my best to tuck life away so the off times are few and far between
however I don't wish that one anyone!!
I'm sure this made no sense but then so much of what I say doesn't hehehe
Creepykitty - I know you won't believe me when I tell you this but during one of my 20 minute drugged naps... I dreamed of friggin horned dolls eating my hand! I'm not even kidding! I did have a laugh when I woke up though since I know where the idea came from! =) Creepier still is that a couple of hours ago my bad cat was literally hanging off my hand by his teeth... (enter creepy music here)!
Beelze - I'll even autograph it for you =) I suppose I can't hide my sarcasm well, can I? It's congenital, I swear. Besides, that's what keeps me from fully cracking - glad you enjoyed that! =)
Heidi - Thanks; to be honest, I was really in a very painful place then. All I could do was give in to it because it was just so strong. It was a deep hurt but I'm working on making better. I appreciate your kindness.
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