Despondently Disquieted

Having found myself mired in some rather awkward and unwanted thought processes of late, I've determined that I am despondently disquieted. Peculiar mixture. I don't like it one bit. Perhaps it has been somewhat magnified by the fact that I'm sick, but knowing the possible source does not, in any way, make it more tolerable.

I have nothing to say; nothing to offer. Not even to those I consider most dear. When we talk, I try to maintain an even keel if we are face to face. If it's over the phone or in an email, I do my best to hide it, talking through clenched jaws or tears has become commonplace. There is no way I want anyone to see this part of me; I don't have a way to explain it. Avoidance has been becoming a bit of paradise, although it still isn't perfect; after all, I'm still stuck with this flurry of thought and feeling only now it has nowhere to go.

There were a few people I was in the midst of emailing and I just dropped tha ball totally. Same as with some friends of mine locally; just dropped out of the picture one day as if I'd flipped a switch. It's almost like I feel I need to leave a distance because I fear the worst, based on my behavior. Maybe me writing this is my vague way of apologizing to the world for being such a shit at this point in time and not even knowing why. I think it's also a way to brace myself for the certain fact that people won't put up with it forever. It's unfair to ask that, or expect that, of them.

And with that... here are a few words:

Well you would've left me anyway
So I'll just bow my head
I swear you might've left me anyway
So I'll leave you instead

Be alone
Let me bow my head
Cause I'd rather be alone (Big Wreck: Under the Lighthouse)

Funny thing is that I've lived my life along those lines for so very many years. So many that I can't remember not doing it... Taking the pain of ending things yourself out of a need for control. It still hurts, you just pick the time and place. Then you spend your days wondering if you were right. Either way it becomes a mechanism of torture. You can hear that in the song (which you should try to find and listen to). When I need to feel sort of bad and self-abusive (like now, for instance), this is a perfect song to just belt out at the top of your lungs. It typically helps me free those feelings. Currently I'm wallowing in it and have no idea why it won't break. I just feel like there is nothing real, true, or right anywhere inside of me. Even though I'm often more 'real' than most are comfortable with, it's almost as if I can see it exiting my body like wisps of smoke and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

For the people I am close to (and even some general situations), I feel like I'm doing a favor by bowing out as gracefully as I possibly can before it gets really ugly. Grasping for faint tendrils of fading smoke is not only getting old, but it's ineffective AND making me melancholy, which in turn pisses me off.

So here I sit wondering why in the hell I just went on like this. Not for your entertainment. Because I need an answer before I self destruct. We all have our demons - mine are just trying to lure me out of this with free drinks and letting me get in some good target practice of sorts. I need that fucking answer.

All this being said, I may be back in a day or two with a cheerful happy-go-lucky post. You never know.