Unless you are from bizarre realm, I think you'll be able to identify with this. Or, if I'm the one from the bizarre realm, you won't. Either way.
I'm experiencing one of those times in life when absolutely nothing is right. What was right five minutes ago is now wrong. What I once thought was wrong, perhaps a few days ago, is not right again. The effort to keep up is futile yet out of stubbornness I try. It's not completely unlike some TV gameshow only I have a better theme song for it. It's almost as if this song is running through my veins lately. Cheery theme song, no; better theme song, yes.
Another peculiar aspect of this time is that I find I'm drawing away from the people that I once found some sort of comfort in. Kind of like I'm distancing myself from the inevitable.
So, here I sit, forming a nice protective bubble around me in an attempt to salvage something before it all leaks out into the ether. Just one problem with that plan... it sucks, too! Doing a temporary shutdown seems reasonable but not plausible because, well, life still goes on.
How is it possible to feel too much and not enough all at the same time? Have the drive to change things then pull away? Instead, I start telling everyone to fuck off (if not in words, in actions) so there is distance. When things go down it won't be pretty. I don't like to be seen that way. Plus, if I separate myself now, the realization of the loss of them may not hit quite as hard. Think of it as prepwork.
Or borderline psychosis. Meh, hard to say, really. Still sucks though. But things always rebuild. Until then, I'll just sit here - wings pulled off.
5 comments:
And they say Leonard Cohen is depressing... Change your music selection, pronto!
I hope things will work themselves out soon...
Here's hoping you grow your wings back and will be soaring again soon!
I could lend you mine, or we could fly tandem? :)
Anne - Uh, that WAS my cheery music selection. They will work out, it's just a rough time I guess.
Chitty - Tandem - now there's a good idea! Maybe it'll get me moving in the right direction. Or, moving at all. ;)
So much of what you've written rings so true. Stay strong, it will get better...it's got to, right?
You know I'm here if you need anything.
(I would say Buffy sends her support and I'm sure she does, but right now she's up at my parents. Boy, you don't realize how much you miss a pet until you walk around talking and there's no one there.)
John - Thanks. Perhaps we both need to take 'happy lessons' from Buffy... whaddya think? And I agree on missing them, but I talk to myself either way. ;)
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