A funny thing happened to me today. Well, not so much funny really as, well, I'm not sure what the word is. As much as its a bad thing, its a good thing. Kind of like the calm before the storm. No wait. That's not it at all; that's the opposite! Ok. You know how people say things get worse before they get better? Ok, yeah, kind of like that. (Look, I was born blonde - give me a break here!)
So I've been monitoring myself over the past few days and realized that I am just at odds with myself in just about every aspect. One moment I'm sweet and kind (yes, I do still have that ability) and the next I sound like I'm a finalist in the Tourette's Syndrome Quack-Off. I find that I start a conversation with a coworker about, uh, work, and soon find myself drifting off, babbling quietly about the merits of can openers and wondering aloud why Kojak always had that damned lollipop. Yeah. As you can imagine I've been getting alot of blank stares lately. Once the artful string of obscenities kicks in they tend to start backing away, too.
But. Here's the thing. I think I know why this is happening. It's apparently part of my mental molt, if you will. I'm preparing for a morph of sorts. It's always rockiest near the end of the morph, when the new entity is emerging (think nature, not horror movie) and has some sort of awareness of the changes going on. Of course, I hope I'm not morphing into the All Time Champ of the aforementioned Quack-Off, but hey, it's still hard to tell. It's all part of a change. One part is sort of dying off and a new part is learning that it has to take over. There's bound to be internal conflict, right?!
Although you may be thinking I've lost whatever sanity was lurking in the recesses of my mind, this actually makes sense to me. I'm trying to back off and not even figure out exactly which part is relinquishing control and which is trying to take the reins because it's not for me to know yet. It's the process of it all, not an event. If I simply let these things battle it out without intervening, just accepting it as part of whatever is going on, I think I may be able to weather this with fewer damages. Think of it like this; you wouldn't stick your hand in to separate two dogs fighting - you'd wait until it was safe.
Perhaps it's so hard now because I'm trying to force something that I know nothing about. My role should begin soon enough.
I'll still make you all proud in the Quack-Off though, promise! =)
11 comments:
Well I understand you.
People change. you may not like it when it happens to you but it does.
Lots of inner turmoil can drive one into randomness.
Maybe if ya don't wanna turn into "the quack" she should try looking at who you are as a person. What you like and what you don't like. And try easing off on what you don't like.
I'll be standing by with a bucket of cold water or a hosepipe (it works on the dogs). Oh, and you've been quoted.
Makes definite sense to me too.
Now, about the lollipop. That's because when they decided to crack down on smoking, that's what they replaced his cigar with.
I can't believe you'd be getting blank stares for asking that.
;)
Nothing wrong with veering off topic in a conversation if you ask me. Course it is a habit with me, so maybe I'm not one to judge
I'm always impressed by your self-awareness. In a fundamental way, you have it more together than many people ever will.
I lost U somewhere at the end and I wasn't even born blonde ;)
And hope ur transmogrification (calvin and Bobbes?!?!?) goes on less rocky and a bit more smoothly, maybe modernize from Kojak to Monk ;D
Aymee - Hi there, thanks for stopping by. I think you are right about the inner turmoil vs randomness; it's like having too many balls in the air at once. At some point you just start grasping at anything. Definitely entering the stage of doing the inventory and learning how to handle what I don't like. Thanks for the input.
Kyknoord - A bucket of cold water... yep, that should bring me around rather quickly! I knew you'd have a brilliant solution. I had to laugh at being quoted when I saw one of the tags/links was 'psychosis'! Yep, sounds about right. ;)
Anne - Yeah, maybe the ones giving the blank stares are really the ones we should worry about. I mean, who doesn't make Kojak a topic of conversation these days?!
Fence - You and I, we'll consider ourselves 'veer-ers', shall we? Maybe if we actually stayed on topic, THEN people would start to get suspicious!
Jason - Thank you. I suppose I can't help it really, I'm just always looking for answers and am too stubborn to let things go sometimes. Within all of that, I'm often lucky enough to really see things for what they are. Putting it all into practice is the hard part, though.
Tigress - Not to worry, I lose me too, in the midst of my ramblings...lol. Oh, and Monk... isn't he great? Tony Shaloub manages to encapsulate those things that on some level, each of us can identify with.
Well, you make it sound as if you understand what's happening--so that's good, and it does make sense to me (but I was also born blonde--disguised now by my darkened hair; life does change us--but born very blonde indeed!). I am imagining a sort of butterfly with fluffy feathers who quacks poetry...but, probably you should remain human.
having the insight to what's happening is the key which you have in your pocket already! Yet I am also suffering from sudden mood changes :-S & yet I have no clue to what is causing it :-S
Jarvenpa - Well, it's like I understand the template of what's going on, but nothing of the inner workings. Love the image you painted! Got alot of enjoyment out of it but rest assured, Ill try to remain as human as possible. Well, unless the other options are really good.
Dr O2 - Insight helps; acts as a guide of sorts. Maybe you are experiencing 'sympathy sudden mood shifts' on my behalf?! =) Here's hoping you get to the bottom of it quickly, I know it's no picnic!
just a quick hi just to say im still around still catching up on your blog so I am not doing any comments untill I am up to date with all your stories
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