I'll be your number one with a bullet...

... a loaded God complex, cock it and pull it!

[And aim it directly at pop culture.]

Point is I have a few bullets that need to fly today and although some of these things will be 'gotten' by some people, other items will just draw a blank stare, the sound of crickets and eventual hushed mutterings from the crowd. Yeah, uh, note the look of concern on my face. I'm almost shaking in fear that you'll never like me again. Pfft. Riiight.

• I hate Quentin Tarantino. Shall I say it again just to taunt you into disbelief? Lalalala... I hate Quentin (skipping in circles). Pulp Fiction was an utter waste of two hours of my life, with exception of a few lines. I also think Kill Bill blows. Again, barring a few details. I do not like his vision or whatever you want to call it. He also has a look about him - like perhaps he's missing a chromosome or something. I think I feel that way because he's just been touted as this master and I disagree. I am often mocked for my view on this. On really harsh days, people throw small stones at me as well.
• I do not now, nor have I ever seen one pretty thing about Paris Hilton. If I were up the family chain of command I'd falsify records showing that she was one of those unfortunate crack babies and they simply adopted her as an infant. Truth be told, we have all seen her crack on more than one occasion. The look on her face never changes. It screams 'I've just been hit in the head with a two-by-four, is that hot?' I am in no way jealous, I just don't get the 'Paris hype'.
• Reality TV is a piece of shit. Collectively. A collective piece of shit, if you will. I've seen so very little of it and someone made that comment that Survivor was in it's, like, skabillionth season or something. What in the hell is wrong with you people? Take two brain cells, rub them together and you just may get a spark. Go read a fucking book for Christ's sake! I limit my reality TV to making fun of the American Idol 'hopefuls' in the first few audition episodes. I laugh at them and Simon's response til I have tears in my eyes. It automatically makes me feel better about myself not being so delusional. That being said, man these people have hella balls!
• Although a fan of beer, Microbrews are often nasty and I don't even pretend to like them. I've been in a brewery and actually asked the bartender for a 'regular' beer. He explained all the lovely brews they had and I said something along the lines of "Thanks for the time, but I want one that isn't bitter and doesn't suck." Yeah, that goes over well in a brewery. I refuse to give in just to do what the cool kids do. The cool kids can bite my ass while they are down there kissing everyone else's.
• Speaking of kids. I do not find drooly, sticky little children adorable. I find it gross and I want to gag. Don't expect me to see the same 'little angel' as you do. I see slobber, dirt, germs, noise and irritation. Yes, if I have kids (sign them up for therapy now) I may see things differently. Until then...
• Never thought Seinfeld was funny. I mean Jerry Seinfeld. Elaine and Kramer were amusing, but Seinfeld was a dud. I assume he still is. I think I pretended to like it for exactly two episodes. My roomies and I had friends over to watch said 'new' show. Week number three had me staying in my room. I have a co-worker that to this day (after 2.5 years) will still refer to Seinfeld episodes and compare our current circumstances. I walk away. He's a dolt when it comes to that. And a damn slow learner.
• I like Disco; I like Funk. Don't even try to fuck with me on this one. And I'll have you know that my current psychiatrist has various BeeGees memorabilia around his office, including a mint condition Stayin' Alive album. He even has pictures of him with the brothers Gibb. When he nods his head I'm not sure if he's thinking of my medication or...Oh, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk...

I'm just so tired of hearing "I can't believe you don't/do like______; what's wrong with you?!" I'll certainly still hear that but I just don't care much. Remember the story The Emperor's New Clothes from when you were a child? (Or perhaps last week if you are a slow reader...) Yep - I'm the one pointing saying "Uh, guys - the dude's nude!" Often I don't match with the popular consensus. That bothered me a long time ago but as I got more confident that my views were perfectly fine, albeit different, I made alot of changes and astonishing progress in coming to terms with what makes me tick. Who knows, I might even come up with a few more to add to that.

While you're here, if you haven't had the chance to click on my new profile pic, please do it. View it full size so you can read the caption - it is such an accurate representation of me, like, 80% of the time. And even though it may not seem like it sometimes, I really am nice. Come closer... =)

The Power of Change...Literally

Jane is a bitch, simply put. With an air of hautiness she grates upon your nerves leaving them aching, begging for reprieve. She has no off button; just one steady seek and destroy setting. The behavior is so deeply ingrained that she hardly takes notice and thinks it a confusing joke when others call her a bitch.

So that you better understand what sort of person she is, here is an account of her day thus far. After boarding the elevator in her apartment building she caught sight of a cane tip slipping toward the closing doors. In a refusal to be late, she reached up, pushed the cane out from between the doors effectively toppling her elderly neighbor. She felt that was reasonable; she was a busy woman. Next stop - the subway. Moments after disembarking her harsh shrieking could be heard over the din of rush hour traffic. She was chastising a homeless father and daughter; the child for grabbing at her with grubby paws and the father for allowing his child to mar her $600 shoes. Jane never bothered to notice the child was merely reaching for her worn, flimsy paper doll that Jane was standing on. It accounted for precisely one third of her toy collection. As if that humiliation weren't enough, she grabbed their paper cup of morning charity and removed what she felt was an appropriate amount of coins to cover a snack from the vending machine as this event had delayed her and she would not have time for her daily bagel and latte. Reminding them how inconsiderate they were, she tossed the ravaged cup at their feet and walked off in disgust. Once in the door at work she griped loudly about her horrible morning and was stunned that others didn't share her sense of disdain. Of course, at this point she is absolutely fuming; now begins her special brand of 'pouting'. She handed off half of her work to a junior colleague and went on a bit of a rampage. She hated her chair so she stole someone else's. Her breakfast consisted of stolen candy bars from a co-worker's child's fund-raising box. Margie's phone was newer so she switched it with hers. The mailman left in tears when she told him that he might be nicer looking if it weren't for the fact that he was so fat and bald. Jane truly felt that she had an inherent right to behave this way and saw nothing at all wrong with it...

Ok, you get the idea... So by lunch things seemed to have calmed down a bit. Sarah, who was still perplexed by the disappearance of her chair earlier today, was looking forward to sitting down to her lunch and taking a break. Only her lunch wasn't there. Directly to the left, she sees Jane (who else?) happily munching away on what was her lunch! Sarah was furious but decided to leave before she started a fight over lunch, of all things. She ran to the mall for a bite and was glad she opted to remove herself from the situation because she knew a day would come that she'd take Jane out; she just didn't plan on it being this day. She barely had enough money with her for a simple sandwich, but it was enough.

Upon returning she found Jane and Margie in a heated argument that seemed to have started with the phone switching incident. Sarah was not about to miss this and quietly sidled up to the fight zone along the imaginary ropes. It didn't surprise her when Margie slapped Jane. What did surprise her was the collective gasp and simultaneous metallic clang on the tile at her feet. It was the sound of retribution...

...With that one sound, she knew what no one else there did. Upon leaving the mall, meager amount of remaining change in hand, Sarah had passed a wishing well. Her wish? That someone would finally slap the smile off that bitch's face...
~

I don't think I have to tell you that this is fiction...do I?

Blah - I'm even boring myself

This has been one hell of a blah weekend. Two highlights: I changed the headlight in my mom's car and I sort of invented a new recipe for eggplant parmesan including fried red peppers that I incorporated into it. I fry food about twice a year, so that was a big deal. Uh, yep; that's it. Jealous?

Funny thing is that everything has gone through my mind yet nothing at all. Sometimes in the days following a manic phase I lose any and all personality that I have and fluctuate between bits hedging back on mania, delving into depression or just wallowing in the no personality zone. Man, it sucks. I mean, it's tolerable, don't get me wrong, it just generally sucks. I've spanned a gap that includes rethinking my career (including radical changes) and wanting to kind of sever ties to most of the people in my life. Would I miss them? Would they miss me? Do I care? Also spent quite a bit of time feeling so tired that lapsing into a coma would be the next logical state. All in all I've been on every corner of the map and still feel no connection; no reason to really grab hold anywhere. There are these fabulous creatively driven bouts of motivation serving as a coating for a hearty core of apathy. That is such a strange combination. Man, the human mind is just an amazing thing, don't you think?!

One thing I think I have come to a conclusion on is that I'm going to really attempt to give up trying to figure people out. I typically try to surround myself with like-minded people. No, I don't mean lunatics... I mean ones with a basic, honest, up-front sort of approach. I'm really good at getting roped in to playing games sometimes; I have this deep need to know why people do/say what they do. Well, I think that'll be changing. I'm simply finding myself apologizing for things that, when others do them, in the same situation - I get no apology. I'll worry about me from now on and I suggest you do the same, thank you.

There are times I want to sever all ties and just take off to another part of the world. Any of you ever think of that? Would you really, honestly do it? Well, I would. That thought has appealed to me for almost as long as I can remember. Going somewhere unique, making new friends, having a different life, then simply moving on when the time was right. Always having that to look forward to. I suppose I'm a real dreamer in that sense. Maybe I'm just feeling that it's time to move again now. I'm 35 and have moved 39 times. No, I was not part of a military family or in the witness protection program. It was just how I was raised and I managed to keep that going. Might be strange to some, but for me, it's kind of normal. I'm just craving more. To go further, be more drastic, to have more change. Maybe someday the idea of being somewhere for a long while will appeal to me. I don't find it appalling but perhaps I just haven't found the right place yet.

On a more exciting note, I have two books ordered from the library - Pollen and City of Saints and Madmen. I managed to have a lapse with reading and I'm very excited to have these books on their way to me. I can always tell when things are amiss in my life; I wake up one day and realize that I've not been reading or listening to music. This is a good thing because now I feel like it's all getting back in order. Funny how little things can signify such important changes.

Yes, I realize I haven't said much of anything but took up a whole hell of alot of space in the process. So what, I think that part of me still believes that I have the answer to it all locked inside me and it might one day flow out with these words. I'm too stubborn to stop trying so I guess I'm taking you all on the ride with me! =)

There are seven and there are nine!

So yes, it's things like that which bug the hell out of me. Everything is in sevens, yet there are nine categories. I've lost sleep over less.

Anyway, I was hopping about blogland and found this in Luke's possession. Neither of us will tag people but I freely stole this from her. Please consider this an invitation to do the same.

>If you are having a problem viewing this, try Terri's suggestion (thanks Terri!) in the comments or you can try opening it in IE if you are using a different browser. I was talking with someone earlier who couldn't see it using Firefox but had no problems with Explorer. Sorry about the techincal difficulties.<

Seven...

things that scare me

1 Ventriloquist dummies - cannot even look at them

2 Most dolls (but not the Barbie kind, the kind with the fluttery eyelids - you know, the ones capable of turning their head to stare at you sans assistance...)

3 Spiders - especially ones that touch me (or look at me, or are remotely near me, or...well, any of them really...)

4 Finally succeeding in pushing everyone away

5 Driving through water - even a few inches; if it covers the entire surface of the road I'm a mess; I've had people talk me out of a related panic attack

6 Having my actions hurt those I care for the most/Failing someone who needs me

7 Clowns - henchmen of the devil I tell you

things that I like most (not in order of importance)
1 The ability to read, not just the books themselves
2 Music (well, except really annoying shit)
3 My freedom (in just about everything I do)
4 My cats - yes, even monstrous Benny
5 Learning
6 Creativity
7 Traveling the world from this very chair via blogland and the www
~ This one was tough, I really had to think because I've been in such a strange frame of mind (oh, these last 4 years or so ...) that I simply like nothing. Well, I do, but briefly.

important things in my room
1 Photos of memories/people/places that shall never be again
2 Cds
3 Alarm clock - without which, I would sleep away the dreary mind time and ignore the world
4 Well, clothes and socks and bras and such (This is not a fashion minded statement but a 'let's avoid public nudity' statement)
5 Perhaps my good cat (Isabella) - have no idea where she is now
~ I just don't know, not much there I suppose. I'll add two elsewhere so it evens out. =)

random facts about me

1 I am an only child

2 My real name (first and last) sounds like it would belong to a stripper

3 I want another tattoo but feel guilty because then I can't donate blood for a year

4 Patience is something I seriously lack

5 There's not a whole lot I care about but what I DO care about, I do with a passion

6 Often I act first and think later - I've been known to help complete strangers in ways that could end up causing financial, emotional or bodily harm to myself

7 I have portions of my life entirely blocked out of my brain

~ Add on from above: Variety of previous jobs: Made topographical maps at an arial photography company, background check investigator, veterinary technician (including blood draws, assisting in surgery, and XRays), loan assistant, golf course bartender, gift wrapper, freelance artist, party decorator

things I plan to do before I die
1 Uh, live - preferrably for a while yet
2 If finances cooperate, travel all over the damned place
3 Be able to tell someone I love them, not because I feel I should say it but simply because I do
4 Maybe, possibly, perhaps learn to trust. Kind of. Sorta.
5 Bungee jump (should be fun with the vertigo)
6 Learn how to not be so hard on myself and maybe others (not the stupid ones though, they'll still receive my full wrath)
7 Fly in a Cessna
~ Add on from above: Every fun thing that comes to mind

things I can do
1 Make people laugh

2 Create art

3 Cook some pretty tasty food without recipes, with recipes, I totally suck

4 Go to/watch a hockey game and actually know what's going on; love hockey

5 Speak in public or make a spectacle of my self and not care one damn bit

6 Maintain my finances, no matter how meager

7 Express my feelings (Usually, and if I want to)

things I can't do
1 Stand on one foot/look up outside without holding on - I have vertigo
2 Speak another language (Other than blogger word verification)
3 Tolerate being lied to
4 Swim - unless swimming like a rock counts
5 Type without cheating at some point
6 Keep my mouth shut when I should
7 Balance my checkbook - never have

things I say the most
1 Fuck - (What the fuck? Fuck off. Fucking idiots! This place is a clusterfuck! Fuckers. (Perhaps my favorite one-word sentence.) You get the idea.
2 Shut up (This is a close tie for first place)
3 No
4 Ass (variations - asshole, asshair, assfuck - all directed at a stupid person)
5 I forgot
6 Really? (linked to my forgetfulness that brought on 5)
7 MmHmm - typically mumbled mindlessly to some fool who sadly thinks I'm actually paying attention to them (and agreeing, no less)

~ Wow - I'm really a ray of sunshine, aren't I...

celebrity crushes

1 Johnny Depp (Mainly his roles as Edward Scissorhands, Captain Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, oh, and the character from Once Upon a Time in Mexico, but I forget the name... you know, all the ones where he is really, exceptionally odd...)

2 Jeff Corwin (Yes, that Jeff Corwin)

3 Adrian Paul (Originating in the Highlander series)

4 Jerry O'Connell (I like him more on the nerdy side)

5 Robert Smith (The sound of him...)

6 Kevin Spacey (Sexy in an understated kind of way)

7 Michael Ian Black (He makes me laugh!)

~

So there you have it. A little bit more about what makes me tick. Have fun, tag yourselves - I promise it won't make your palms hairy. =)

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Pulls soapbox over to center stage and purposefully stands atop...

I just have to write about this, dumb as it may be... I can't ignore it anymore.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! I have declared it completely and utterly illegal to wear your pants slung so low that I can see the crack of Dawn from a front view. Well, if your name is Dawn... otherwise fill in the blank with your own name.

I know for a fact that my ideas are not as antiquated as those of the Town Crier and the other individuals in the above picture yet I sort of feel that way. I am so sick of seeing both men and women wearing these pants. Low rise is one thing and although not flattering often times, not a problem. Super low rise is awkward. The Super-Duper-Ultra-Minimum-low rise that barely has enough fabric in the front for a puny button to cling on to let alone a zipper longer than the attached tab is going a bit too far. Too far south, actually. I do not care to see that much skin on anyone. I am not interested in seeing your pubic hair or the location where your pubic hair once was. Well, unless I'm dating you... then that's obviously a different story. I've seen women in these pants. I've seen men in these pants. Both very awkward.

When I sense this situation approaching me swathed in it's minimal fabric I tend to want to look away. Unfortunately it's like a magnet... this visual just draws my eyes over. Then I feel like I need to rinse my eyes with bleach. It's just gross. I feel like I've invaded your privacy yet that's exactly what you wanted. Don't get me wrong... everyone has a certain part of them that is a bit of an exhibitionist; I know I do. But that is the thing, most people don't force it on everyone else publicly. Or should I say pubicly? Well, I suppose maybe they do. I think I've been guilty of wearing shirts that uh, accentuate a certain part of my body but that is something that has gone on for years and years. I mean culturally, as a whole - not just me. No one even thinks twice anymore. Honestly, I don't have the body to wear this pants style but that has nothing to do with it because I'm not jealous in any way. Sensing that someone's short curlies are the only thing holding up their pants is a bit unsettling. Is it just me? Am I the only one that feels compelled to glance at this (and not in an admiring way)?

I'm not amish or a total prude. I guarantee that I have done things that would make many of you blush. On the flip side, there are things that many find acceptable that I shy away from. Call it my weird blend of what makes me, well, 'me', but I feel visually accosted when I see this. Optically assaulted if you will. They might as well walk up to me, straddle me and shove it in my face. I hope none of you wear these tacky items but if you do just know that this is directed at you and I will continue to make fun of you at every turn.

And if I see you on the street, I just might give a little tug at your belt loop and watch you scramble to pull them back up from your ankles.

Climbs off of soapbox, carefully tucking it aside for next time...

Is it art...

...or neurotransmitters run amok captured in a pen and ink illustration?

Just to show you that good things can come of a manic phase. Things that at first glance you may never expect. This will be quick but scroll down for an explanation of the art.

Pen and ink illustration. Total completion time: 22 hours over a period of several days. This was a one shot deal, done directly on the board.

Close up view shows that the illustration is comprised entirely of dots (pointilism/stippling). No shading, solids or an actual line on it anywhere. Just pressed board, ink and a Rapidograph pen.

If I hadn't been manic at the time, I never would have created this piece. I'd sit for hours at a time bent over, forgetting to eat, or go to bed or pee. Completing this became my obsession and I had some serious focus to pull this off in the half assed way that I did.

Peculiar how such a calm, organic and flowing image was actually born of mania. It does have it's own potential for beauty.

That being said, I hope it's gone soon! =) Have a great weekend!

Wicked with Whipping Cream

I'm hoping this post will put an end to my griping on this topic - at least for this episode. Go with it.

So I'm trying to keep this manic episode under control. Now that I realize it for what it is, I try to keep myself on a short leash. Granted, it may be a visciously studded leather one, but it fits the mood.


Here's the thing, after all these years you think maybe I'd recognize it sooner. I don't. In my mind I rationalize it by saying I was just busy, or motivated, or stopped being lazy. Riiiight.

Here's a few things I did that I tried to rationalize:

• Painted a drop-border in the living room. But I saw some molding that needed fixed (that I'd never noticed before yet I'm certain this was nothing new) and brought out the caulking. Then decided that I should spackle the top and bottom the entire way around the room because there was enough room to slide a piece of paper in - this really bothered me. No tools needed. At least not in my world. Just my fingers and a jar of spackling compound. Due to my new obsession with the repair, I made it look fantastic. Then I painted the molding and border with three coats of paint.
• Performed some basic car repair and pampering. I bought whatever additives I needed and poured it in every hole possible. Didn't even break a nail.
• Found a spider in my bedroom {shudder} and failed at trying to get it outside. Spent the next hour and a half actually searching for the multi-appendaged bastard because I wanted it gone. This happened at about 12:30am. Eventually I gave up and slept on the couch.
• Rolled just about every coin in this house. Came up with over $35, too. That should tell you how focused I was on that little task. Should have taken way longer but when you seem to be doing shots of jet fuel it's quick, quick, quick!
• Felt the need to purge my linen closet and bathroom of all products that may be expired. This included examining things like hairspray and hand lotion for expiration dates. I didn't even know how I ended up with some of the stuff; that's how long it had been there. But at that moment, it was my new crusade. Must do it. Now. Fast. Complete.
• List have been made to outline and organize my lists. Look folks, I suck at organization and spend most of my life just flying by the seat of my pants. It's just not me to have a list, then four auxiliary lists defining it. Besides, I lose them. Then I spend an hour trying to find them.
• At work I have made all the bins of vials full and even and the labels are facing out (kinda like that movie Sleeping with the Enemy). I have argued with my boss. I don't mean disagree, I mean argue. He yelled, I yelled louder. He said he'd talk to me when I didn't have an attitude or we could have this discussion in Human Resources. I told him I wasn't about to calm down so we'd better be on our way then. We never did go but he hasn't talked to me in two days. Short little fucker. He told me that the point I was addressing was something he didn't want to handle. I told him that was really too bad because it was his job! Yeah, he didn't like that either. I was standing in his office doorway and never bothered to close the door. The rest of the pharmacy heard this exchange but everyone was afraid to bring it up. Usually they can't get in your business fast enough. Just couldn't seem to find my 'now would be a good time to shut up' button. He deserved my wrath but most don't and get it anyway.

So all this is going on, plus the fact that I am sleeping less than usual (which always happens in a phase) and I wake up with severe jaw pain due to clenching/grinding at night. One day I'll get smart and put coal in there; I bet you I wake up with diamonds. So this is going on and whirling around me and I just don't seem to catch on. I swear, I'm the last to know. But now that I know I try to reel myself in. Don't always succeed but I try. And I have to get up in five hours (perhaps I should try sleeping before I try to get up...) to move furniture and have new carpet put in the living room. Then I get to put it all back. Surely I'll be convinced that I have superhuman strength and try to do it in record time. It's no wonder why when I come down and crash, I crash hard. I feel like a puppy that has exhausted itself chasing it's tail. Well, ok, a really mean, nasty, attack puppy. I might appear cute and fuzzy but just don't do anything to set me off. Unfortunately I don't even know what that is until it happens; hence the short leash. Come to think of it, this might be a good look for me.

Interestingly, someone told me today that I am sexy when I'm edgy. Hmmm, maybe they just haven't experienced a full manic phase in person. Or maybe I am sexy when I'm edgy... how should I know; I don't trust me a whole lot right now. =)

You can tell them I'm coming...

...and Hell's coming with me. (Matthew Good)

Ah, yes folks... we are entering another round of BiPolar-Fest 2005. How fucking fabulous. Once again I am left to feel infallible and vulnerable at the same time. Able to turn into demon bitch with words spewing from my mouth that would make Linda Blair (Exorcist) blush a deep crimson and take notes, then feel the crush of what I've done and be brought to tears. This is exhausting in so many ways but worse is the look I see on the faces of others when this strikes, when I lash out at them.

I'm not looking for sympathy or understanding or even a 'fuck off'. I just had to acknowledge this in some sort of way for myself. If I say it or write it, it becomes more real. Something I can no longer just tuck away in a dusty corner of my mind and make excuses for or try to rationalize away.

I've been hating everyone lately - that should have been my first clue that this mixed (yet basically manic) phase was upon me. I try so damned hard to keep it under control, and just when I think I do, it jumps out to bite me in the ass. Hard. Then I come out swingin'.

Ok, that's all about that. I just laid into someone today that didn't deserve it and feel really guilty about it. Yes, I've apologized but the words have been spoken, the actions taken. I heard the tremble in her voice and saw the shine in her eyes. Although my heart literally aches due to my actions, I couldn't keep a grasp on my behavior. I am disgusted with myself.

But... On a silly note, I suppose even demonic bloggers (read: me) have to laugh. This is what gave me a chuckle after my apocolyptic performance had left me drained.
This is the Travelocity Roaming Gnome... he even has his own online store. You can watch one of his silly commercials here. I love him. He also has radio spots that are a hoot. Just like he claims of jellyfish in one of his radio commercials, he is 'perfectly kissable'.

You've got such a pretty smile...

It's a shame the things you hide behind it... [Jude]


The girl sat alone at the table; close enough that her elbows gained stability from the thick glass top yet far enough to keep her legs free from inadvertently kicking the base of it. Head tilted forward, hands clamped over her ears, the tears flowed in hot saline trails, ultimately coming to rest in asymmetrical pools of moist, shimmering light on the surface below. In that moment, there was less fear, more disbelief. Either way she knew this was all her doing. Hers were the only shoulders this surreal burden would come to rest upon.

When the reason for this morphing new reality became clear, she knew she was the only one to blame. Recollection reminded that she was always one to feel alot and often rather intensely. Occasionally that build up required an outlet of sorts and resulted in conversations with others that would, with a little luck, temporarily ease her internal conflict, if even for a moment. But the day eventually came when she simply couldn't do it any longer - this sharing of herself, admitting her deepest, most fragile feelings - this sense of burdening others. A vow was made: no more.

From that moment on she'd kept it all in. Until now.

When she sat down to balance her checkbook, as always, she found her mind wandering. It wasn't painful, really; just a peculiar, slithery sensation that caused her to brush absently at her ear. When the slight movement caught her eye she could not quite make sense of what she was actually seeing. Letters. Everywhere. Piling and tumbling as if the typeset tray from an old printing press had capsized; on the table, her lap, the floor...

Immediate shock gave way to curiosity and she saw it wasn't just letters; there were words, followed by sentences. She knew them. Intimately. These were the words she vowed to hold in endlessly. With that thought the literary flood gates opened and the words stacked high, partially occluding her view. Windows cracked, doors bulged and she had no idea how or when this would end. Her hands went instinctively to her ears to stop this uninvited deluge but that only rerouted them through her nose.

Her head shook side to side in denial with that realization but the motion only caused the words to slip in her tears and collide with one another with soft thuds and audible crunches. Now she knew why she never balanced her checkbook.
~

Continuation

Whew. Ok, just a quick post.

Got word today that my cousin Joanie died. She had cancer and we knew she was in the end stages but it finally won. She said she wasn't afraid of death and knew it was descending upon her rapidly. Her suffering has come to an end, and as one of her lasts acts, she literally donated her body to science. The ashes will not be returned to the family for 2 years so there will be no funeral. In lieu of funeral flowers, she requested that donations be made to a local animal shelter. Joanie led a hard life at times but even in the end made sure she gave back all that she could.

I'll be back in a couple of days. Hopefully with a small fiction post and no more deaths.

Not the best way to wake up.

But at least I woke up.

It seems like it wasn't all that long ago that I wrote this post. Well, not this exact post but one freakishly similar to what it will most likely turn out to be.

As I was waking up this morning, the local news coming through my clock radio was telling me how a friend of mine was just killed and another hospitalized. Brief recap: Todd and Ray leave the bar at 3am. Several miles away Todd loses control of his crotch rocket and they fly off the bike (sans helmets) meeting with the road and a rather large fence. The road/fence combination won. Ray is currently in the hospital in critical condition and Todd was killed. He was only 31. I just saw Todd's brother the day before. It occured to me that at the time I saw him, his brother was about 9 hours away from taking his last breath yet there he stood, blissfully ignorant. My mind seems to veer that way, I can't help it.

This incident, mainly Todd's death, makes me think over chances I take. Some necessary, some not, but ones that could have a grave outcome. Then of course it magnifies the things I feel I should take a chance on yet don't, for whatever reason. Peculiar how death makes you think and reevaluate so much.

So, out of town for another two days then I should be back. I still haven't caught up on all the blogs and email and such. Not necessarily saying I'm that popular just that I'm relatively slow. =)

Katrina's fringes are enveloping us as I write this. If you can see the stars where you are, give a nod to them for Todd, will ya?

Marty! Marty! He's our man, if he can't do it...

...then I'll stop watching the show. Simple.

Thanks for such a great 'welcome back'! Considering how I was feeling, it was such a wonderful thing to see. Thank you!

And to thank you all (bit o' sarcasm), yes, I signed on for 'word verification' in an attempt to block spam. When I wrote the last post, I received 4 spamments within 5 minutes. I don't think so... So yeah, it takes you an extra few seconds, but I'm sure most of us will end up with something like that on our blogs eventually. Then they'll find a way around that but hey, that's the way things go.

I thought my petsitting may be done but alas... the wicked hurricane has thwarted the travel plans of my clients which means I'll be gone a few more days. Not sure which ones but it won't be quite as long. It's amazing how much I missed writing here and checking all of your blogs.

Anyway... if you recall, I referred to a certain car that I was not able to drive (boo! hiss!) while petsitting. Here you go... the incredibly high-priced sports car that lives at the million dollar home.

It's a Ferrari. It's yellow. That is the extent of my knowledge. Oh yeah, and it's a convertible. I was considering sitting in it and turning a fan on high so it looked as if I were driving and snapped a picture. I thought better of it... I'm way too clumsy and would have ended up having to explain to them why the car's steering wheel had to be surgically removed from around my leg. They don't call me Amazing Graceless for nothing...

And failed attempts to try...

The prospect of quiet time alone was overwhelmingly appealing. I craved time to relax, think, reflect and maybe do some general sorting and planning in reference to my future. One hitch; nothing went as planned. Why am I actually surprised by this...?

I wanted time to relax, what I got was mind-numbing boredom. So bored, in fact, that I became a 'reality TV' viewer. First... I'll say that I'm not a fan. Then I caught a glimpse and the brief sound of INXS. Ah, the flood of nostalgia; they were such a fun band. In addition to the nostalgia, I have found a captivating reason to watch Rock Star: INXS...

Marty Casey

Aka: Manic Marty... I am moderately spellbound. Not sure what it is. Rare is the time I go for the blonde hair/blue eyes thing. Something about him is beautiful; perhaps it's his dual persona. At times he is calm and sweet, then he has a hidden switch he engages that throws him into a dark, somewhat edgy sort of place. That's what earned him the Manic Marty nickname. Oddly, I like it. Alot. I have a feeling I'll be watching. He'll be my new silent obsession. Or something like that.

Not even sure why I'm talking about that as it's rather pointless. Then again, maybe that sums it up perfectly. I'm feeling pretty pointless. I had hoped to use my time away to figure out what direction to take my life. Well, I failed. I know nothing more about myself and am no closer to pinning down any defining points of contentment.

Lately I've been unhappy and it is increasing in intensity. Sometimes I care deeply; sometimes I just don't. I think I've gotten lost in the shuffle of 'me'. What I think I want, I'm too scared to go after. If I do identify it as something I want, I question my judgement. Add in fear, uncertainty, doubt and it's no wonder I don't know which way to turn.

It's not unlike being trapped in the funhouse maze of mirrors. Everywhere I look it's me, yet it's not really me. The reflected image traps me at every turn; I'm standing in my own way. I'm the only one able to get me out yet ironically, it all comes down to a bizarre balance of persistence and dumb luck in order to break free.

It pisses me off that I let it get this bad, that I allowed myself to become mired in it. Now I'm not sure how to get out. But I'm working on it...

I've got quite a bit of catching up to do with reading blogs, so that should keep me busy for a good long while. Then I'm sure it'll be time to watch Marty again. Might be on and off for the next few days as the petsitting isn't quite over. Sort of, but not completely. In a way. Kind of...

Do not adjust your set...

As you know, I'm on my way out of town for a bit, but within the past 24 hours I came across some pretty interesting visuals and wanted to pass them along. Hope you enjoy!

This first set is amazing and someone must have done alot of practicing to get these as seamless as they are. I don't know where they came from so I don't know who to credit, other than the mark on the pics.

As for this next little item, you may have seen it but it really is pretty interesting. Highly surreal, a little unsettling, but definitely worth a peek. There is nothing else to say about this; just go look.

Today Benny got another bunny... twice. I know for a fact that it was the same one but I think the situation is under control now. While I had it, I couldn't resist taking a few pics...

Heh... he asked to see this post... honest!

I thought the box said 'mouse'....hmmm....

And one last image to leave you with. I'm thinking that I might really, really like this bra. Of course I'd rather have a man follow behind me and do the same thing but hey, that's not as practical. This I could have fun with....

And on that note... I'm outta here for a few. I mean after that, what more could there be to say?!

Don't be scared Mini-Me...

So this might be a kind of dorky thing to do, but hey, this is me we're talking about. I took my camera to work tonight and got pictures of the Demon Door. They came out rather well as far as the detail in the grain so hopefully some of you can see this atrocity too. The rest of you... eh, you are just skeered and don't want to admit it... =)

Come ON... just look at that face!!! Horns, eyes, furrowed brow...

Here's a full length view. Now it looks like a demonic antelope or something...

I don't know, the thing has just creeped me out since I've worked there, which has been 2 1/2 years. I had to break the silence and it was either via blog or Jerry Springer.

Now that I've taken a picture of it (and posted it on the internet, no less) I would hope that hasn't released some spirit and placed some sort of Demon Door curse or hex on me. Then again, if it does, maybe I will go on Jerry Springer...

"Women and the door-demons that haunt them; open and closed cases?" Next! On Springer!

>> Since I wrote this post I have been plagued, plagued I tell you, with giant crickets. Oh no! It's the demon door curse! Ok, not so much plagued as, uh, visited by two rather large crickets. But they were in my house! And truthfully, I've never seen crickets this big. I found them about 15 minutes apart and approximately 8 feet from one another. Aww... they were friends... yeah, mutant friends... honestly, never so loud or large in my life. Do they travel in herds now? Sheesh! If I find a third I am sooo sleeping in my car tonight.

And yes, I was nice and scooped them up and put them back outside.

That's right I'm the last one standing...

...another one bites the dust.

I can't really go on here and say that I ain't no HollaBack Girl simply because I have no idea what that is. Apparently though, this shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s. What is a hollaback girl? Am I one? Do I want to be one? Sorry, this has been bugging me.

So unfortunately for you, yes, it's another Ramble-thon. I just have like 792 things still pacing my neuropathways. I've made some headway as it was originally 800. You know the drill - mild to moderate chaos; mainly harmless but please remain seated until the post comes to a complete stop.

Well, it's official. I've got crunk. That's how I spent my morning. I'm really shiny and gold. Ok, it's nowhere near the picture in the link; it's just one tooth and it's not in front either. I will say that my smile is most certainly radiant now. God forbid I should swallow this $600 chunk-o-metal; the retrieval would not be pretty.

Last night at work I took a 5 minute break and went outside. There was still some light left and it afforded me the chance to see the five story roof and also a secondary roof between the first and second floors. I got this image of someone accidentally falling off the top and landing on the lower roof. Kind of creepy; needless to say I immediately went in. Maybe that'll teach me to take a break...

I pulled into a local convenience store/corner market kind of place and sat there staring at the windows for a good 6 minutes before going in. The advertising signs were crooked. GAH! That looks so hickish. Then there was the handwritten sign taped on the glass door, now curled and sunbleached. And misspelled. You know, would it kill you to proofread it? If that's too hard, use smaller words. Always makes me think of the saying "Better to let people think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it." I am way too anal retentive.

Happy ending there; Cinnamon Coffee Cake Cappuccino... heavenly.

For some reason, every time I turn around I'm being faced with all things relating to marriage and unions of sorts. WTF? Then it recently gets pointed out to me that if I'm going to have kids I'd better have them soon. Nice. Doesn't it usually help to have a guy first? And it's not just the kid thing, it's all of it. Kids, marriage, engagements, friends moving in together, it all seems to be showing up all around me. Maybe I'm just feeling old. Who knows.

The gears are going once again but I'm not sure what the end result is going to be. I think I want to move. The weather here is becoming too extreme for my liking and my happiness level has sunk to a new level; somewhere around the soles of my shoes I think. I want drastic. And a moderate climate. And on the coast. Any suggestions? Now, really sell me on it! =)

Speaking of shoes, I finally got my new orthotics and found that they squeak obnoxiously when I walk. It's kind of funny (at least I get a laugh out of it) but I'm going to have to find a way to remedy the situation.

I've learned recently that it is really the simple things that make me happy. To make me feel important, wanted, and appreciated, I mean. Sure, every now and then I suppose people like trinkets and such and that all has it's place. But something basic, a gesture from the heart, well-meaning in intent. Done for the purpose of making you smile - that still means something to me. In a greed-filled world I like knowing that I can say that as truth.

My wooden door at work has a demon face on it. I mean it. I forget about it for a couple of months but have just noticed it again. Now I will see it constantly and start to avoid walking that way, sure that it can see me. It sounds dumb but I mean it... it's creepy. Maybe I'll try to get a pic of it to prove that I'm not a total loon. Well, at least not over this.

One other thing. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty but I don't have a list of blog links. No offense, but I can't maintain that. I would alter it daily and feel pressure to add or omit certain ones. More likely I would have a breakdown over who to include and who not to. In effect, everyone may be on there one day and the list drastically reduced the next. I have issues, this is one way they would manifest. I don't think that something of that sort should detract from blogging, so I don't let it.

Oh yeah, one more thing. What if we could teleport when we made phone calls? Just drop in or manifest on the other end? I think I might not answer my phone. But if I was prepared and all 'beautified', I'd be much more willing to answer. No, that's a lie. I really don't like anyone just dropping by... ever. In addition, who gets beamed; caller or callee? Is callee a word? And why is it that I think of these things...

This has been a public service announcement. Please feel free to move about the cabin...

...and you shake it all about.

I have about 800 little things on my mind today and absolutely must get some of them out. Do not expect there to be any cohesiveness in this post. Got it? Ok, proceed then.

My day started with a loooong phone conversation with my mother. By long, I mean it was about 20 minutes shy of 4 hours. In this time we: admitted how unhappy we both are, feel trapped, feel helpless and hopeless and have lost so much faith in ourselves as far as fixing it. (Ok, I just realized that the word helpless has a letter span of lpl... that just looks odd. Ok, as you were...) In effect, we've lost who we are. We did not plan this conversation, it just happened. We've determined that she is much more a 'planner' and I'm much more a 'spur of the moment' kind of gal. Amazingly we could both see each others points of view and didn't yell, scream, speak sarcastically, or antagonize the other. The entire time. I love her dearly and we are close, yet we can be so opposite that it is almost a volatile mix. That's why I am still in awe of our conversation.

Had the pleasure of going to the grocery store today. If you can't control your gaggle of children, may I suggest birth control? Another possibility is tranquilizer darts. If you can't hit the speedy little children (that are acting as if they missed every nap since the day they were born) then for the love of Starbuck's, hit ME!

I got a strange image in my head tonight and I truly don't know where it came from. What if I was dating someone (quit laughing and just play along) and they had really freakish ideas? I mean, not as freakish as being a Republican or anything, but say, he wanted to be linked to me via a collar and leash as we went about our daily activities... like the grocery store. I don't know why I thought that, but I did.

Unsettling dreams have been plaguing me lately. I do not like them, therefore I am consuming beer in an attempt to sedate the little bastards. I know it's not ladylike (and I don't think I've ever referred to myself as such) to like beer, but I do. If I could get the tops off a bottle with my teeth that would be cool. Then again I like my teeth, so maybe not. But if I could do it with my breasts... hey, now that would be a great parlor trick!

Speaking of teeth, I get my crunk on Tuesday... I will officially be Lucy McGoldNuggett! Hey, I'd offer to snap a photo but that would really be rather gross, actually.

In addition, I will be petsitting for 13 days (I think) beginning at the end of the week. I'll be home for 4 days during that time, but beginning to end it's a 13 day span. It's wonderful because I get to stay in this extravagant home, watch movies, relax, read... all those things we never seem to have time to do. Down side is that the bed sucks, I can't drive the Ferrari (yes, they really have one) and they have no computer. I'm quite sure I'll make it but I'll miss checking out all your blogs!

Today as I went to pick up the mail, I realized that there was a good chance I was blinding the drivers with my, hmmm, how should I say this, fair and delicate complexion. Even I looked down in horror. Truthfully, I have no desire whatsoever to be tan. I used to and for a few years (during the summer) I went to the tanning beds. After one full month (minus 2 days), my mom looked at me and said, "Hey, I thought you were going tanning?" It took me 2 1/2 months to even get a base tan. And for those of you that have never tanned, do you have any idea how itchy your, er, upper front quadrant gets when it is exposed to the beds?! Oh - same goes for your ass. But I did like the stand-up beds with the wrist straps...heh heh...

I was propositioned by member of the same sex. Yes, I know her, but it shocked me nonetheless. Considering the fact that we are both straight I was a little surprised. I'm not going to sit here and say what I will or won't do, but it made me realize that I know her too well to even consider it...lol. There was no alcohol involved - this was at work. I think she is wanting to find a relationship that works for her so badly that the lines are blurring, that's all. Honestly, I think it is a compliment if someone lets you know that they are attracted to you, whether it matches your sexual orientation or not. Perhaps I am just such a sweet, sexy thang that no one can resist... Geez. I can't even type that without giggling!

Tomorrow I may try to paint this living room. Well, the ceiling and trim anyway. It still has to be taped off and it is rainy, so hell, it might not even dry! I refuse to move anything. I will throw a sheet or something over the furniture and balance with one foot on the chair and one on the desk, scaling the walls as needed, but I will not move things. This is poor planning for someone with vertigo but hey, it adds a sense of adventure. And my insurance is paid up...

As a last, happy thought... I will have the day to myself tomorrow. *Sigh* Did you hear that sigh of delight? These days are incredibly rare and I cherish them so. I actually want to get up fairly early so I have more alone-time to enjoy. Of course I feel a little guilty reacting like this, but come tomorrow, I will be drinking in every moment. And probably singing off key (loudly) and prancing around half dressed. What could be better! =)

I'm on a mission.

...ya better just listen
To my rhymes 'cause I'm all about dissin' 'cause
It takes two to make a thing go right (Woo)
It takes two to make it outta sight (Yeah)
Hit it! {Rob Base & D.J. Ez Rock...It Takes Two}

Ok, now that we've already established that I can't be trusted to carry out a normal, serious post without tainting it with goofiness... we can now move on. For the record - every now and then I hear or say a few words and it so nicely morphs into that song. Like now, I didn't plan on putting it there but it flowed right out of the title. The 80s were such a blast. Anyone around my age should remember it. My friend Pat (with the Flock of Seagulls hairdo) had the 12 inch. He let me borrow it and I was in heaven. Hmmm, don't think I ever returned it, come to think of it. Oops...


And now we return to the regularly scheduled nerdy portion of our post...

I need your help folks. I saw something in the night sky starting just after 10pm on Tuesday, August 9th that was so unsettlingly beautiful. Here's the problem... I can't pinpoint what it was. Here's a couple of pictures (not taken by me) that may give you an idea of what I saw:


These are pictures from a lunar eclipse. I saw a waxing crescent moon (I think somewhere around 40%) but it was a very crisp, clear definition unlike the one here. The color was just as vibrant as this full moon photo. Do you know how difficult it is to keep your car on the road when there is something as magnificent as that look right at you?

So of course I tried to do a search to find out the details. Truly not as easy as you might think. I did learn that the pictures of a lunar eclipse (shown here) match what I saw perfectly in color, detail and dramatic flair. Unfortunately I could find nothing regarding a lunar eclipse on that date. Yes, I've even gone to the NASA websites; in fact, I may email them and ask what it was that I was seeing in my little corner of the world. Hey, they got the shuttle down, they have free time... So if you might know of a way for me to get greater detail, please let me know. I would appreciate it greatly.

If any of you know of websites where you can put in your location and the date and get information on the sky for that time, please feel free to pass that along to me. This really has become my new mission. I've never seen anything so humbling in such a natural, simplistic way. It was even more breathtaking than the first time I saw the Leonid meteor showers. Speaking of which, August 12th marks peak time for viewing the Perseid showers here...

{Looks down}... Hey, what's that? {Bends to peek} Oh, just a bit of nerd showing...

And another thing...

(Marylou Retton, eat your heart out!)

There has been a surge of spamments lately. Oh, those are 'spam comments'.... spamments. I just made that up right now...can you tell? lol... I know it's dumb.

I like to reply to comments because I like to read what you have to say. Simple. If you take the time to reply, so should I. That's my current thought pattern anyway.

Due to an increase (everywhere it would seem) in spamments, rules have been altered.

• If I do not know you or have not seen you on another blog, I will delete you if you have not left a comment showing that my post has been read. (Specifics folks, specifics! Not just 'Cool blog'; come visit me at.....)
• Which brings me to the next thing. Unless you are not a blogger member, your name will become a direct link to your site in the comments. Please don't use me as an advertising site. I don't do it to others and expect that in return. Your comment will be deleted, unless of course I do know who you are then I will just silently wonder why you feel the need to duplicate the link.
• While I believe in freedom of speech, not on my blog...lol. I was going to try to ignore the spamments but fuck it. Everything has been pissing me off so why give the little spammers with fake-ass sites the benefit of the doubt? This space is mine. Don't like being deleted? Then go elsewhere.
• For the few that may be new to this blog and might have the bad luck to get deleted due to a general comment, I do apologize. I truly love hearing what everyone has to say and like to visit new blogs. If I delete you and it is unwarranted, I do apologize in advance.

So that's all for that. I just get irritated that my time and space, and your time and space gets sucked up by idiots. I love being able to flap my jaws (er, digits) here and find it to be a source of disappointment and aggravation to get spamments. Fucking spamments.

Just Don't

* This post not rated, but if it were, something tells me it may end up with language-related restrictions.

So ok, what the fuck?!

I've worked the past three days (weekends at the hospital are rough) and have also been in the throes of some hellacious PMS. I want to either bed you or kill you. If I'd be a Praying Mantis, I could do both... hmmm. Anyway, I've also been in a great deal of pain (non-PMS related) and am apparently just a little bit fucking touchy at the moment.

After sending off two quick emails, I figured I'd check a handful of blogs to see if anything had happened over the last few days. That's when I saw it. A simple sentence that burned my ass so bad that I could feel my chest start to tighten within minutes. Ok, want rules? Here they are. Don't fucking lie to me. Ever. Be a little creative if you must, but never fucking lie. So what happened, you ask? Not much, but it goes a little like this:

Unexpectedly saw something that was truly an innocent little comment. Fun-loving, actually. Only problem is that (and I have to be careful here) this comment that has no real significance (read: not malicious) was preceded by a whole other set of circumstances that now makes it have significance. Ok, think of it this way... imagine we are friends (awful, eh?) and we have a brief conversation regarding mutual friends. Keep in mind this is an example, not a direct representation, just to let you know where the real topic would fit in with the scheme of things. You maintain that you really aren't friends with them anymore and over the next month or so I notice comments being made by said mutual friends referring to you in a much friendlier way indicating current involvement. Ok, fuck it. You tell me you aren't friends, then from what I have been seeing (on several counts), you most definitely are. Let me make one thing sparklingly clear here... this is not about two or more people talking to one another. Nor is it about me liking or disliking someone. It's about one thing and one thing only. What purpose was there to lie about something so simple?! Christ! The only thing that has happened in the end is that now I wonder why it was deemed necessary to lie to begin with? I mean really, what the fuck is that about? Something that was a comment in passing a while back has new significance under the title 'lie'. Why? Why lie about something that didn't 'warrant' a lie? It just makes me look back and wonder why. And if that, then what else? GAHHH! Although I may have a rather unfocused side to me, this LiVEwiRe does have functioning synapses and is far from stupid. A lifetime of real cocksuckers saw to it that I learn to pay attention for the sake of self preservation.

I hate lies. I will drop anyone faster than someone running through hell in gasoline shorts if you lie to me. And that is fast, fucker. If you wonder if this is about you, hey, it might be. But if you ask me directly I will have a canned response and that is most likely going to be "no". Look, I've known me for 35 years now and I know that PMS + Pain = Not a good time to discuss a whole hell of alot. Let it also be known that I've been noticing these things harmlessly accumulating for a while now, this just so happens to be the moment that it got to me.

Forgive me for admitting to having a breaking point that may seem so low, but I do not tolerate lying. I'll take this and tuck it away and purposely avoid any confrontation on the matter. If you ask, no matter who you are, you will get a response of denial... it's not you. Just don't fucking do it again.

* This rant is more in response to facing dishonesty, not the actual matter at hand. Now fuck off.

Run. Hide.

Trust me...

I find that I've been laughing at myself all day and just had to share a bit of it. Surprisingly, this has nothing to do with a mirror...

At some point last night, I decided to start several domestic projects. {Enter fits of laughter here.} If you all only knew how funny that is. Between last night and today, I cleaned the vents, removed an old faucet to put on the new, did laundry (including pretreating), did a sweep for cobwebs, dusted the bathroom floor and mopped it. Twice (damned hairspray). Then I tackled the mirror, sink, and counters. I also cleaned out the desk which included tossing old paperwork and organizing the free-floating pages that have plagued me since they got here. As I handled that task, I chatted online to my HP help specialist-person-thingy for about an hour and a half. End result? LiVEwiRe gets a new disc... hoo-friggin'rah. That was well worth it, eh? Now it all becomes clear why I had to be routed overseas to have that handled. In addition, all registration and warranty paperwork from recent electronic-gadgety-things has been completed and is ready to be placed in the mail tomorrow. My CDs have been straightened up and my car has had a light cleaning. Yes, I've admittedly missed a couple of doses of lithium this past week but this is not related, I assure you. However, this is all rather uncharacteristic for me. But on the bright side, I haven't broken a nail yet! =)

For my next trick (and this here is a biiiig one}... I went to the grocery store. Blech! I hate going there. I want to press my body to the floor and have a good old kicking and screaming fit when I get there, just like a six year old. Sheesh, and they don't even have to pay for it! What the hell are they whining about?! Anyway - in my eyes, this is truly like one of Dante's levels of hell for me. Many of the key players were there already when I got there: Woman with gaggle of grubby ill-mannered children. You know, the one who lets her four year old push the two year old in the bulky plastic cart shaped like a car? Later I usually find her lingering in the beer aisle; it is no wonder. I also met with the person in the electric wheelchair with the cart attached and their trusty sidekick "yes-my-parts-allow-me-to-assist-my-friend-in-the-chair-and-just-to-show-you-how-well-I-can-do-that-I-will-stand-in-your-God-damned-way-and-block-the-aisle-passage-every-freakin-chance-I-get." Yes, technically that is a long name for a sidekick but hey, that's the way things are classified in nature, what can I say? I will say that one of my favorites is the little old 'out of control' man. Well, it's more his cart that is out of control. He always comes at you from around the corner at the end of the aisle on what appears to be two wheels; mexicorn, bran flakes, fruit cocktail and bacon all skidding to the opposite end of the cart. He never has much in there yet maneuvers that metal beast as if it were hauling a half ton of coal or something. I also got the pleasure of running into (almost literally) the kid who sings/screams throughout the store (mom has no input) and the guy who runs with the cart, picking up speed then jumps on in an attempt to make the aforementioned three year old quiet down. Yeah, in this case it was my cousin, her boyfriend and one of their sons. Did I ever mention how proud I am of my family?...

But here's the absolute best part of all. Here's what I bought that was not on the list. Mocha fraps, apricot danish, Pim's biscuits (orange), chocolate mint cookies, hazelnut biscuits, chocolate/vanilla marble ice cream, grape soda (for purple cows) and rootbeer soda (floats), peanut butter and chocolate pudding...

WooHoo!!! Can you say P.M.S.?

Ok... so just to round out this little session of honesty here, I'm going to address one final aspect of my episodic PMS behavior. Boys... be forewarned...

Are the boys otherwise occupied at this time? Good. I don't know about anyone else but the influx of hormones really tends to have certain effect on me. I am this close (my fingers are almost touching...) to just taking a man, throwing him down and completely having my way him. The way I feel, there wouldn't be enough left over for the vultures... No, I mean it's really bad. I go back to work tomorrow and I find myself thinking that I would have some damn fine targets there. Boys that are under the weather and can't move quickly; is it a bad thing to think of patients as sexual targets? Heh heh... just one more service our hospital offers...

So it would appear that I have become a highly domestic, sugar craving whore this month. Just wish I could focus more on the whore part. Meh, maybe next month.

~

Pondering

So this morning on the radio, I hear this story about a woman who went to pick up a weekly lunch order for her office and was killed. She was shot in the head by a stray bullet while she sat at the drive thru. What happened, you ask? Two males, ages 17 and 18, were in a gang related fight over who-knows-what. One fired, the bullet went over 40 yards, across a four lane road, between signs, through her windshield and right into her head to eventually kill her. As she sat at the drive thru. I think it's just so amazing that so many people try to live their lives in order to, well, preserve it. Yet, no matter what, when your number is up, it's up. No arguing. Not that I advocate playing on the highway blindfolded during rush hour or anything. Or swimming in shark infested waters in a sirloin wetsuit. But sometimes these stories of either being in the right place at the right time (and surviving) or, such as this, being in the wrong place at the wrong time (and not...) really have an impact. Truly, what are the odds?

As sick as it sounds, I like to hear these stories. Why, you ask? No, I'm not a sicko. Well, at least not in that sense. It simply reminds me how quickly life can change; good or bad. That's where the title for this very blog came from. Sometimes, it really doesn't matter one damn bit what you do. When things are ready to change, they will - and there isn't one thing you can do to alter that. Think about the situation above; all circumstantial. Had nothing at all to do with her, yet in the blink of an eye, so many lives changed. No one ever sees it coming. The best we can do is live life. Period.

So this brings me to the end of my little pondering thing here. Who would care if something happened to you? And in what might be either your last moments, or a crisis time, who would you think about? Who would your mind and heart immediately seek out? Don't misunderstand, this isn't about being sad or seeking confirmation or anything like that. I pose that as a rhetorical question. I mean, we'd pretty obviously think of family or other loved ones, but does it extend further? For instance... would you want say, fellow Bloggers to know if something happened? Would you silently wish you told the cashier that always packs your groceries so well that you were consistently pleased with her efficiency? Do you think they'd notice your absence? If they did, do you think they'd care? Often, I think we might get some surprising answers.

Every now and then I get on one of these kicks and can't help but to, uh, ponder. Better for me to do it here than to keep it in my head and give myself one more reason to lose sleep at night...

Now stop reading this and go out and live your life.

Kind of like a Banshee

So after an invigorating yet relaxing shower and a short story by Murakami, I reached to set my alarm clock for the morning. At this point, oh, approximately 1:30am or so, I was still under the impression that I would be heading directly into some semblance of a decent night's sleep.

Famous last words. Er, thoughts...

To begin with, Isabella (my good cat) decided that she would play 'springboard' between me, the bed, and the windowsill. Such good fun. Thankfully her escapade was short lived but it did break up the relaxing that I was in the midst of.

Just as the slow pull of sleep began to find it's way back to me, I heard it. It was more than just 'hearing' it, actually. My breath caught, my eyes opened wide, and I felt a trickle of panic enter me. The front of my house faces the lake, the rear, a forest that just a few houses down is backed by a golf course. The course is part of a park system and has been set up to attract various forms of wildlife. Crafty little buggers don't like to stay within those confines...

Anyway... a flood of strange sounds begins to creep into my bedroom windows. Strange enough to even shut up my neighbor's stupid beagles; and nothing ever shuts them up. This wasn't the typical skunk, squirrel or raccoon banter. It was sort of like a quick bark although no build up or ending sounds, just quick - and only once each time. Almost like a chuff. Of course that was followed by the sounds of something being apparently boiled alive. Yeah, that gets the ol' heart rate up at about 3am. My mind starts wandering and I consider the types of wildlife that may have been attracted. For a moment I settled upon Bigfoot. The sounds turned to squeals and something that I can't even describe but it was highly unsettling. Adding to that, I could hear that the animal was coming closer to the back of the house. Joy. In this case I should say that I knew it wasn't Benny - he was on the patio. Within the next 30 minutes or so this animal, which I'm figuring was either a fox or coyote, managed to lurk about under my windows (thankfully not catching sight of Isabella who at this point had ringside seats on the windowsill), call to other animals, fight with and uh, eat (I think) some small unsuspecting victim, and snap every little branch on the ground right outside my window. I kept having visions in my head of this animal (which in my mind is now comparable in size to a Yeti and in ferocity to a werewolf) waiting for the perfect moment, then lunging in and either backing me into a corner or going for the throat.

Less than 20 minutes from that point, the creature became bored and decided to move on, with a raccoon coming in closer to 'yell' at it for one reason or another. Nice to have the raccoon as backup but my adrenaline level would have stayed alot more consistent had it stopped by over an hour earlier. Eventually it quiets and sleep finds me. Briefly.

Sirensbellswhistlessirensbellswhistlessirensbellswhistles!!! At 7:12am... and I'm living life on the set of "Law & Order CI vs E.R." (Down side: no Vincent D'Onofrio, no Goran Visnjic...). Although I would have gladly traded sleep for either of those men. Whew...ok, off track... point is, when all is said and done...

No rest for the wicked. Damn.