I wanted time to relax, what I got was mind-numbing boredom. So bored, in fact, that I became a 'reality TV' viewer. First... I'll say that I'm not a fan. Then I caught a glimpse and the brief sound of INXS. Ah, the flood of nostalgia; they were such a fun band. In addition to the nostalgia, I have found a captivating reason to watch Rock Star: INXS...
Marty Casey
Aka: Manic Marty... I am moderately spellbound. Not sure what it is. Rare is the time I go for the blonde hair/blue eyes thing. Something about him is beautiful; perhaps it's his dual persona. At times he is calm and sweet, then he has a hidden switch he engages that throws him into a dark, somewhat edgy sort of place. That's what earned him the Manic Marty nickname. Oddly, I like it. Alot. I have a feeling I'll be watching. He'll be my new silent obsession. Or something like that.
Not even sure why I'm talking about that as it's rather pointless. Then again, maybe that sums it up perfectly. I'm feeling pretty pointless. I had hoped to use my time away to figure out what direction to take my life. Well, I failed. I know nothing more about myself and am no closer to pinning down any defining points of contentment.
Lately I've been unhappy and it is increasing in intensity. Sometimes I care deeply; sometimes I just don't. I think I've gotten lost in the shuffle of 'me'. What I think I want, I'm too scared to go after. If I do identify it as something I want, I question my judgement. Add in fear, uncertainty, doubt and it's no wonder I don't know which way to turn.
It's not unlike being trapped in the funhouse maze of mirrors. Everywhere I look it's me, yet it's not really me. The reflected image traps me at every turn; I'm standing in my own way. I'm the only one able to get me out yet ironically, it all comes down to a bizarre balance of persistence and dumb luck in order to break free.
It pisses me off that I let it get this bad, that I allowed myself to become mired in it. Now I'm not sure how to get out. But I'm working on it...
I've got quite a bit of catching up to do with reading blogs, so that should keep me busy for a good long while. Then I'm sure it'll be time to watch Marty again. Might be on and off for the next few days as the petsitting isn't quite over. Sort of, but not completely. In a way. Kind of...
16 comments:
Welcome Back!
I missed you. I was going to leave you a long email for you, to be waiting in your mail box, but this has been a week with no spare minutes in it, between traveling to Houston and now the Hurricane I haven't had a day off, barely a minute off it seems.
I've seen parts of the INXS show too and I've like what I've seen. One thing I like is that it's nice, it's not like most reality shows where everyone is out to stab each other in the back. From what little I've seen everyone seems fairly nice. There's no "You're fired!" when INXS has to eliminate someone, in fact they tell them to come over and give everyone a hug.
If you can ever figure out your life, let me know how you did it so I can do it. It seems whenever I have plans to just spend time alone and try to figure things out, it doesn't work. I think you'll figure things out when things are at their busiest. Don't worry, I know you'll figure it out.
Ok, this is getting as long as my emails and I gotta check the news and see where this stupid hurricane is now.
You've been missed - trust me !
I could say a lot more than that but I guess you get the idea !
(I tried to use a hyperlink, and it didn't work, so I'm attempting to comment again)
I missed you! Reality TV has become a guilty pleasure of mine as well. I make sure the blinds are up and that I keep the volume down so the neighbors don't hear it. I would be publicly shamed.
I tried to enter a definition for "spamment" on UrbanDictionary.com, but they rejected it. Those bastards.
Welcome back!! Been watching rockstar, and I think Dave Navarro is gay!!!
Oh awesome! Now you got a spam blocker on your comments! Course it is annoying to have to type in the letters each time one comments! But it's better than having ads for viagra in your blog!
Good to have you back. That 'cold dusty wind with the tumbleweed blowing past' feeling is over.
SE: I'm guessing that the editors of urbandictionary suffer from erectile dysfunction or small penises, so your submission may have cut a little too close to the bone.
Heh. Have to admit that I loved that episode when Marty did the unplugged thing. Made me want to get the Killers' album.
Hope things get a little brighter on your side. If not, you can always put a cat on your lap and let it purrrrr you to some self-satisfaction. ;-)
Aaaaah. You're back.
About your life, I hope you figure it out. Soon. But sometimes, it takes a good long while. And the process might be long and annoying and frustrating, it matters a great deal. And sometimes, it takes momentous decisions that you're not sure you agree with yourself about, like quitting your job without a safety net... Because that certainly makes you think fast.
Now, about that guy. I hate reality TV with a passion, but I'm sure even I could make an effort. They can't really re-make INXS, though, can they?
Aaaand... she's back!!
Don't worry about pinning down any defining points of contentment/discontentment. It is how you navigate them that counts. Hopefully the points of contentment are the one's that show up on the rader more often.
Been away for a few days myself. And now I am too lazy to blog... hehehe.
Btw... we've been asked to fess up. Oh damn!! [See last comment on my post of last week Tues]
I'm not a reality tv fan but (does the lady protest a little too much) I do enjoy watching the X Factor. Mostly the opening rounds so I can wallow in Simon's cruelty and wonder who these people's friends are that they let them audition when clearly they have no talent.
But then, once it is over, I fell guilty that I've been laughing at all those people who are putting themselves on display for our entertainment and getting nothing but our laughter.
Maybe I'm taking it all too seriously?
Hope you break some of those mirrors :) only without the associated bad luck. I'll stop now, before this turns into the longest ever comment.
Welcome back! :)
Not a fan of blonde haired, blue eyed guys huh? Me either...makes me wonder why I married one! I seriously think that mystifying "something about him is beautiful" happens to us all....:)
Sometimes reading your blog posts are like stepping into my own mind...my own thoughts. You expressed better than I ever could that "what I want, I'm too scared to go after". I'm scared to do what I really WANT to do....I'm afraid I'll fail. Everyone says that if you don't try, you've failed already.
But it's scary, you know? Do you give it a go? I suppose it's better than never knowing but it still scares the hell out of me....;)
"I'm the only one able to get me out yet ironically, it all comes down to a bizarre balance of persistence and dumb luck in order to break free."
... I so totally get this. Why are you always writing what's in my head?
Missed you. Glad you're back.
xxxooo
Yip, I'm just another of your fans to say Welcome Back - you were missed!
Try not to drive yourself too crazy (nah, too obvious for a witty remark) trying to figure it all out. We seldom do. And then just when you think you have it all figured out something comes along to throw it all outta whack again.
So just enjoy your reality TV and you-time... and hurry back!!
Thanks for the welcoming return everyone! Wow - I feel loved! =)
JohnH - Thanks for the support John, and if I do figure things out I'll let you know. For you, I'll even waive the fee! =) I just hope you are dodging the hurricane; be safe!
Carpy - Trust you? You? well, ok... as long as it's you! And yeah, I think I get the idea. =)
Skrambled - I promise I won't tell your neighbors if you don't tell mine. I'll get beat up. Your 'spamment' entry was the best! Even if they rejected it who cares... perhaps they are the ones generating the spamments...
Bean - Navarro is definitely weird; very peculiar in some way that I can't describe. Yeah, 5 minutes after writing this post I got 4 spamments... had to opt for the verification. It is a bit of a pain and I'm sure they will come up with a new way to get around it but for now I'm going to try it.
Kyknoord - Odd, I get that tumbleweed feeling in my head often. That's probably something I should not admit so readily, eh?
Banzai - I like Marty unplugged, too. Did you hear his version of the Brittney Spears song? Great stuff considering it's origin. And as far as the cat on the lap... sounds like a fabulous suggestion to me! =) Any cat? A Banzai Cat?
Anne - You are right; often it is the process that is the important part. Suppose this is no time for my impatience, eh? I'm secretly hoping you figure it all out first and enlighten me. I really don't think INXS can be remade but the band is too good to sit idle. I'll have to sit and watch Marty some more and ponder this. I'm really not a reality TV fan because hell, MY reality is nothing like that!!!
Chitty - Honestly I do try to focus on the individual moments and even the little things that make me smile. Sometimes I just fail miserably at it - like now. I always bounce back though, it's just really difficult right now. I figure there's some huge 'life lesson' I'm supposed to be learning. And yes! A scandal! I saw....LOL!!! Me and my big mouth! Well Chitty, you know I love ya'... we were bound to be found out at some point. ::wink::
Fence - I agree 100% - the opening rounds are the best. That's the only other reality TV I've seen (for more than 5 minutes). Simon is brutal but most often right on the mark! Someone has obviously lied to the contestants and he brings them back to earth. With a thud. As far as the mirrors, I'll break them; most likely with my head by walking into them but hey, whatever works,right?
Stacy - Well it's a good thing you did marry him - what a perfect match! I mean with his name being the Peanut King and all. What? You mean that's NOT your real names?!?!? =) In one respect I'm sorry that my crummy feelings reflect your own. On the other hand, it helps us to be able to identify with someone else, maybe in some different words; it let's us know that there are others taking that same scary chance.
Rose - I really wasn't gone petsitting, I was using mind power to get into yours, Stacy's and Heidi's head! =) And I sooo agree on the Cornell thing from your post. Uh, Desmond WHO...? =)
Heidi - You are right - that song saved his skinny little ass! He'd have a better chance if he stopped trying so hard. You know, I read your posts... yep, sounds like you can identify. So overwhelming, isn't it? But we'll get through it, somehow; just NOT by listening to New Kids! That cracked me up!!!
Terri - I crossed that crazy line many years ago, too late! Life throws some insane curveballs at us (as you've recently found out) but I think that's what keeps it interesting. Sometimes a little help might be nice, though. I'm usually too stubborn to let it get the best of me for too long.
Greg - Perspective is exactly what I'm trying to find, I just think I'm looking too hard. It'll come in it's own time, right?
I'm a little late but...Welcome back, you have been missed.
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