Blah - I'm even boring myself

This has been one hell of a blah weekend. Two highlights: I changed the headlight in my mom's car and I sort of invented a new recipe for eggplant parmesan including fried red peppers that I incorporated into it. I fry food about twice a year, so that was a big deal. Uh, yep; that's it. Jealous?

Funny thing is that everything has gone through my mind yet nothing at all. Sometimes in the days following a manic phase I lose any and all personality that I have and fluctuate between bits hedging back on mania, delving into depression or just wallowing in the no personality zone. Man, it sucks. I mean, it's tolerable, don't get me wrong, it just generally sucks. I've spanned a gap that includes rethinking my career (including radical changes) and wanting to kind of sever ties to most of the people in my life. Would I miss them? Would they miss me? Do I care? Also spent quite a bit of time feeling so tired that lapsing into a coma would be the next logical state. All in all I've been on every corner of the map and still feel no connection; no reason to really grab hold anywhere. There are these fabulous creatively driven bouts of motivation serving as a coating for a hearty core of apathy. That is such a strange combination. Man, the human mind is just an amazing thing, don't you think?!

One thing I think I have come to a conclusion on is that I'm going to really attempt to give up trying to figure people out. I typically try to surround myself with like-minded people. No, I don't mean lunatics... I mean ones with a basic, honest, up-front sort of approach. I'm really good at getting roped in to playing games sometimes; I have this deep need to know why people do/say what they do. Well, I think that'll be changing. I'm simply finding myself apologizing for things that, when others do them, in the same situation - I get no apology. I'll worry about me from now on and I suggest you do the same, thank you.

There are times I want to sever all ties and just take off to another part of the world. Any of you ever think of that? Would you really, honestly do it? Well, I would. That thought has appealed to me for almost as long as I can remember. Going somewhere unique, making new friends, having a different life, then simply moving on when the time was right. Always having that to look forward to. I suppose I'm a real dreamer in that sense. Maybe I'm just feeling that it's time to move again now. I'm 35 and have moved 39 times. No, I was not part of a military family or in the witness protection program. It was just how I was raised and I managed to keep that going. Might be strange to some, but for me, it's kind of normal. I'm just craving more. To go further, be more drastic, to have more change. Maybe someday the idea of being somewhere for a long while will appeal to me. I don't find it appalling but perhaps I just haven't found the right place yet.

On a more exciting note, I have two books ordered from the library - Pollen and City of Saints and Madmen. I managed to have a lapse with reading and I'm very excited to have these books on their way to me. I can always tell when things are amiss in my life; I wake up one day and realize that I've not been reading or listening to music. This is a good thing because now I feel like it's all getting back in order. Funny how little things can signify such important changes.

Yes, I realize I haven't said much of anything but took up a whole hell of alot of space in the process. So what, I think that part of me still believes that I have the answer to it all locked inside me and it might one day flow out with these words. I'm too stubborn to stop trying so I guess I'm taking you all on the ride with me! =)