It's been increasingly evident that I have less and less to say. I don't mean just in blogland, but in general. I don't even have anything good to tell myself or anyone else.
I know (well, I hope) it's just a phase of sorts, but it's a little unsettling. Earlier, I caught myself drifting off into space, just staring at a fixed point on the wall for so long that it became all but invisible to me. We all do that at some point, right? Right. Only thing is, when I realized it, I just kind of gave a muffled grunt of acknowledgement and kept right...on....staring..... I'm not sure how long I sat there like that and worse yet, I don't care.
Depressed? Maybe. Complacent? Somewhat. Stumped by what to do with my life in general? Ding! Ding! Ding! We may have a winner here! Something tells me that I am kind of zoning out in hopes that the 'answer' may sift through to me on a subconscious level. Yeah, ok sure. It might - just like those goofy 'Magic Eye' things that you can only see when you try NOT to see them! Well, I can't see those either so maybe this isn't the method of enlightenment for me.
My friends (and even those that don't like me...), it's time I face the fact that I am bearing a striking resemblance to one leonine creature in The Wizard of Oz. I think I need courage. Aside from my occasional snivelling posts, I tend to be rather confident. If confidence can't cover it, then I just don't really give a shit.... you get the idea; it's taken care of either way. Somehow I think I've been taking confidence and courage to be the same thing. Well, they're not. How many years have I been on this planet and I am just learning this...
The courage I lack is that of someone who is willing to take chances and risks on things that will make them happy. In numerous ways I do have courage, but not when it comes to taking steps in my own life. No, often I do, but apparently I'm experiencing technical difficulties. Somewhere, there is fear overriding that courage and I'll tell you what; it's really starting to piss me off. That is good; anger has always been an incredibly effective motivator for me.
Perhaps my zoning out/staring moments are the physical manifestation of this silent conflict between courage and fear. It sort of cancels each other out; much like burning a piece of paper. Everyone assumes the fire 'wins' but isn't the end result the same? The fire has consumed the paper. The paper has fuelled the fire to the point of extinguishing. No paper, no fire - just a new substance - ash.
I've known for a while that something hasn't been quite right (Hey! No jokes there....) but haven't been able to really classify it. Now I have a new way of looking at it. And as I have many times in the past, I will manage to rise from the ashes. Well, hopefully without tripping and falling...
~
14 comments:
In the words of an unknown author -
Courage is not defined by those who fought and did not fall, but by those who fought, fell and rose again.
I truly admire your courage in penning this post. ;)
Getting to a phoenix point in your life can be a very empowering moment. You will be a new stronger person! Good luck on this journey!
Now you're stuck in a moment, and you can't get out of it. -- U2
I think this state of evaluation and questioning is a natural part of the journey. "This road isn't very promising - what options do I have?"
I am often afraid to change things, even when I know I am in a rut and feel rudderless and aimless. I'm more afraid of deciding to change things than actually making the changes. Only after I overcome this fear of making changes can I start objectively evaluating things.
After all the big changes I've made in the last few months, I am now scared of settling down to a "normal" routine and finding out that I am bored out of my skull. I will need to fight that feeling.
Come make me salsa sometime!
You've put it all perfectly in words and images. I know why I agree with you all the time now. It's because you're me in a different country.
And fear is also a fuel, you know.
live, have you read my most recent post?
exactly the same thing happened to me the other day in the car (not while driving of course). perhaps we should start a support group for 'people who occasionally tune out of reality'.
Chitty - That quote is rather fitting, isn't it? You are such a smart boy! =) Thank you. By the way, I think you need to move to the States!
Greg - Ha! The joke was great; the image I may have to scrub from my mind with bleach! I needed that laugh!
Chicken Little - I do hope I can manage this journey without spontaneously combusting (although as an aside, that is an exceptionally cool thing...). The support is appreciated.
Fern - (My neighbor!) I really agree on what you said about the most unsettling part being in making the decision to make changes. After that, you have a focal point. If you and I ever get in a funk at the same time, we'll start a new trend of Salsa Therapy (dancing optional)!
Btw, the U2 lyrics that usually suit me the best are: In my dream I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows they learned to swim. Even in that there is much to be learned. And that is a damn fine song, thanks for leading me back to it.
Anne - I'm not sure whether I should say thank you or offer condolences (for being a French 'me'). Now you know, we just need to find a handful more 'like us' for the other continents then we can pursue world domination. Thanks for being honest about being able to identify.
Prisoner - I'm tellin' ya - it must be something in the air. Perhaps we're part of a secret club. Ugh, or worse, the main characters in the next Koontz novel!
Ok, when do we start? ;)
Don't worry, you'll move past it, untill then...
Alone
Frozen in fear
A vast wasteland of emptiness
I feel so alone
Filled with self doubt
The flame extinguished
Will I ever feel warmth again?
Anne - Since neither of us can sleep well, we pretty much have time at our disposal!
Broomhilda - "The flame extinguished", such a fitting line. Thank you.
Greg - I do like the way you think! With one exception, I work this coming weekend... so shall we skip directly to the following weekend? =)
It's tough when you feel that you are drifting aimlessly, because most people need a sense of purpose. I can relate, because I've also lost my way at various times. The trick is knowing whether to fight the current or just go with the flow. I wish I knew.
As one favored author keeps saying, "Inch towards the daylight."
Or as I like to think: sometimes when you can't decide what action to take, it's time to act. Just the intent itself will make you see the proper decision to make.
Chin up, LW! :-)
Kyknoord - You know, I think you are right about feeling a sense of purpose. It would seem that the older I get, the more crave that. Well, other than my purpose of just being an ass in general...
Banzai - Sometimes when you can't decide what action to take, it's time to act. You don't know how right you are! I've been here before, in this 'place'... I know what needs to be done, too. Just a matter of either finding the courage or blindly jumping. Sometimes, either will do. =)
Restayvien - Welcome! Nice to see you; and you haven't missed any boats - I mill about for a while. I certainly hope there isn't a time or frequency limit on Phoenix moments. Although frustrating, they are liberating things. Although I may pass on white water rafting I would actually consider bungee jumping... something to get things moving! Of course, I'll need to stop for some Depends first... Oh, and for the record, we were all 'interrupting outsiders' at one point or another. Some of the folks here are in the same state as me, some on the other side of the world but I don't know any personally. Honestly, they most likely just come here to make fun of me...lol. Glad to see you and I hope you find your way back; thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it.
How'd you look into my head like that from SO far away??? :)
I feel that same way sometimes...like I need a jump-start to get me going in the direction I want to go but am too scared to go, know what I mean?
Well, I either a jump start or a swift kick in the ass...;) Either one would probably work.....
Stacy - Oh no, you mean your head looks like that, too?! Maybe we can come up with a network of sorts to deliver that kick in the ass we both need so badly. Come to think of it, I bet there'd be alot of people in line to deliver a kick to me! I'll send 'em your way, too! =)
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