I'm finding joy in less and less. When I manage to capture it for a brief moment, it is on it's way to gone just as the sweet taste begins to register on my tongue. Then I go all blank again. But don't say the wrong thing. And stop looking at me with expectation in your eyes. I'll fail either you or me. Maybe both if it's a busy day. When the smile is there, it is real. Well, with a few 'painted on' exceptions. When I am happy, you'll see the laughter in my eyes. When I'm feisty, you'll feel me taunting you with a playful challenge and I'll be sure to hold your gaze just a moment too long. When I care for you, my very soul will reach out for you.
Yet daily I sit and wait for those feelings to come and remain; to flow back into me and stay. I've been unsure and frightened. Angry and doubting of others, hateful and mean to myself. I have no middle ground - my intolerance turns to bitterness then douses me in tears. I've been trying to paint on that smile and sadly, it gets easier each time. It's not too convincing as of yet, and I find it pathetic to say 'but perhaps in time'. Most of my days have been spent swallowing anger, hiding fear, and narrowly avoiding some cataclysmic event that will certainly propel me into some sort of meltdown. And so I sit; and stare... carefully trying to hide my reactions. I try to make my chest stop squeezing so tightly, to hold tears at bay, and to keep the sharp words from tumbling over my lips and assaulting our ears.
Rumor has it that things will get better. I am one stubborn girl and so I expect that to hold true. It's just that this waiting and trying to piece the scraps together is proving so difficult. I hope to avoid irreparable damage to myself and to relationships, but each day makes me question that as a viable possibility. So....
In light of my mish-mosh of feeling, I decided to post another piece of art. It wasn't until recently that I noticed the contrast. I chose cool, calm colors yet placed the chopsticks so that it appears her jugular is about to be severed. On one hand - cool and calm. On the other - violent. I never noticed it and did the illustration innocently enough. Maybe it's just my current state that made me focus on that aspect. It was not intentional. I'll use a larger size to post this one so hopefully you can get better detail as a few of you had mentioned.
This illustration was created with pencil, oil paint, and colored pencil.
13 comments:
Your post encapsulated all that I've been feeling of late- how do you do it? Nice illustration, I really like her pouty lips!
i'm sorry you're feeling down, but you have a way of explaining introspection that is very personal and intimate, with which i identify -- i so understand "the mishmosh of feeling." and this is a beautiful artwork! you really have an eye! i like the bands of color undergirding it all.
I tend to be fairly mercurial as well. It's quite a roller coaster ride, and makes for some volatile relationships and situations.
I think things will get better. But then at some point they'll get worse again. Then, later, they'll get better again. Then, they'll get worse. You get the point. Life is such a bitch like that (for me, at any rate).
I hope you feel better soon. I'm sending positive vibrations in your direction. :-)
PS--I just got my TICKET!!!. I heard a rather mixed review on Depp's performance, so I'm a bit uneasy about that, but the cinemetography is supposed to be amazing.
That's a pretty awesome piece of art!
Not that I know what's happening in your life, but I find the best way to remain happy is to not care. I dunno what tomorrow holds, so there's no point in worrying bout it, I just enjoy each moment as it occurs. Even if it's not a great moment, it still is an experience. And finally that's what it's all about, experiencing this thing called life.
Carotid artery, surely?
Seductive, yet dangerous... I like it. She's an assassin - the chopsticks are her weapons of choice.
Hope the "blues" will pass soon and that happiness will linger permanently.
You have such a way with words..it's awesome. Sorry you're feeling down....:(
Thanks for sharing your art...it's beautiful. It's almost not fair that you can write so well AND create a piece of art like this too....;)
Well I think everyone else summed it up nicely.
But just to say it myself...Sorry you're feeling down- life is a bitch, but sometimes you get to fuck that bitch
That was all I could think of to say, but the meaning behind it is good. Hope you feel better soon, and that is another mighty fine piece of artwork there. Hurrah for you!!
Very expressive and well done.
Instead of waiting, keep creating your wonderful works, you know it will help.
Hans - How do I do it? Apparently I just suffer with clarity...=)
Rose - In one way, it's nice to know that you can identify. On the other hand, it's terrible to think that you've felt something similar.
Skrambled - 'Volatile' is the perfect word! It's a crazy ride and I'm grateful to have a ticket; just really not letting up lately. But... I just saw CATCF! I think his performance was more understated than some may have anticipated - great stuff! Lots of subtleties and quirks; let me know what you think!
Jugular - Thanks! Usually I take things more in stride than I have been lately. I think that's making me feel less in control and only adding to it. It'll pass - it always does.
Kyknoord - Never anger me. Well, at least not around Asian utensils! =)
Chitty - Seductive, yet dangerous... like me? lol... Yeah, right! (I hardly think pirates are seductive.) And I'm too clumsy to be an assassin. But I think my current mental status would fit nicely! =)
Stacy - Thanks hon, on both counts. And again, with both - they just come out. They won't let me rest until I make them come to life on paper. That is a wonderful compliment, tho! =)
Motor - Life is a bitch, but sometimes you get to fuck that bitch! You made me laugh so hard! I knew what you meant and I was glad you reminded me of that happy little fact! Now I'll just wait for MY turn....heh heh!
broomhilda - You know, you are right - maybe I should channel this into more art...
Heidi - Thanks for your support. You know, when I'm full of all this 'crap' I'm feeling - I write. I have to - if not, I'm certain it'd kill me to not let it out. It's that next day when I go back and look to see if it even made any sense that concerns me. There's always the fear that it reads incoherently and I've not gotten my point across. Sometimes scarier... maybe I have.
I know this has nothing to do with your post, but I wanted to let you know that I just got back from seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I thought it was great! I thought Johnny Depp was wonderful as Willie Wonka. I've never seen the orginial so I don't have that to go against, but Depp was so good in the role. I really liked this movie.
I so know what u mean & how you're feeling, that leaving a comment almost seems inadequate.
You put into words thoughts that I don't have the courage to write. Making people laugh with witty comments (and just a teensy bit of sarcasm...) is a great way to hide what's really going on underneath.
Anyway, here's hoping u feel better; and know you're not alone.
Beelze - So, wanna go start some trouble or something? =)
JohnH - I went to see it, too! I thought it was wonderfule! Such a rich, visual treat and then add in the quizzical approach and I was in heaven!
Terri - Hi; welcome! On one hand it is comforting to know I am not the only one to feel this way; on the other, it makes me feel terrible knowing that someone else has felt this. Some days it's hard to tell if the dark humor and sarcasm are simply a part of me or are just a great mask.
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