Stolen from the Peanut Queen because I am unable to think of anything remotely decent to write about, I figured I'd just play along like all the other kids...
1. Accent - Well, you heard me on my audio post, so I think that says it all. Not much of an accent to speak of but I tend to pick up a slight bit of wherever I am living at the time. (Ohio, Pennsylvania, etc.)
2. Booze of choice - FREE...lol. Kidding. Actually, I don't drink much anymore but I am a girl that likes beer and never turns away a shot of Blackhaus. Which is usually followed by me mumbling 'feel the burn'.
3. Chore I hate - I lack the housework gene, but for some reason, I really have a distaste for dusting. I prefer to just move as opposed to dust. My theory; it'll fall off during the move.
4. Dog or cat - Keeettoooons! (That is LiVEwiRe-speak for 'cats'.)
5. Essential electronics- Radio/CD player, computer, vibrator (HA! Made you look...;) [I left this one mainly unaltered from the PQ's because I simply didn't see a need to change it!]
6. Favorite perfume/cologne - For me Design or Escada. I recall Hugo Boss for men being pretty spectacular, but it's been quite a while since I've had the advantage of having a man around to 'smell test'.
7. Gold or silver - Gold I suppose. What kind of pirate goes for silver? Really?! (Lucy McGoldNugget does maintain the high standard of practice required by the official Pirate Code Book.)
8. Hometown - Tiny place, so I'll go to the next large town and call it Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
9. Insomnia - Comes and goes. Worse with mania, duh. Never have been able to sleep through the night, though; sometimes I wake up restless and can't get back to sleep, sometimes I just have to pee too damn much and waaay too often.
10. Job title - Lead Pharmacy Technician and your basic jackass.
.
11. Kids - Sometimes I think my biological clock is an LED. Then, like yesterday I see a teeny 10 day old baby and it all but makes my uterus ache. Either way, I can't do it myself.... ahem.
12. Living arrangements - I live in a cute apartment in a nicely renovated old house. Unfortunately it's in the hood and I can't afford heat. Meh.
13. Most admired trait - Trait I admire or trait I have? In others, honesty and sincerity. In me, I'd like to say speaking my mind but I don't think some people see it that way; they probably refer to it as the 'shut the fuck up' trait. So, instead of that, I'll say... well, I don't know what the word is, but when you have me, you really have me. I'd do anything for you. As long as you don't fuck it up. =)
14. Number of sexual partners - Let's just pretend this question never existed, k? I can only imagine the comments I'd get. Besides, I can't count that high...kidding!
15. Overnight hospital stays - When I was four. Typical tonsillectomy and had tubes in my ears at the time - it was all the rage.
16. Phobia - Things that resemble humans - clowns, ventriloquist dummies, mannequins, dolls, leprechauns, you name it. And spiders. And odd fabrics. And drowning. And finding something on the side of the road partially alive in a plastic bag. Seriously, that one is huge.
17. Quote - Depends on the day, but it usually involves me hissing out a curse with the word 'fuck' in it. Oh! But in a movie... think back to City Slickers... Billy Crystal (still unsure of Curly) asks Jack Palance if he's killed anyone yet today. Curly just smiles and says...'Days not over yet.' That line is soooo me.
18. Religion - Not very fond of it. Either way, I'm sure I'm going to hell; I got my confirmation letter in the mail yesterday.
19. Siblings - Yeah, talk about a can of worms. Until I was about 25 or so, I thought I was an only child. Then I learned that I have a half sister. About two years later I learned I had a half brother and he has two kids, so does that make them a half niece and half nephew? Yeah, sticky situation at best. I still consider myself an only child.
20. Time I wake up - Around noon. Give me a break... I go to bed around 4 and am up peeing half the night!
21. Unusual talent or skill - Sometimes I have a way of getting information out of people that others cannot. And no, it does not involve force. And I have common sense - that's unusual, right?
22. Vegetable I refuse to eat - I like most veggies. I draw the line at cooked spinach and stewed tomatoes, although the raw version is fine with me.
23. Worst habit - I smoke, swear excessively, and make my own life a living roller coaster ride. A sort of self-sabotage I suppose in that respect.
24. X-rays - I'm developing a subtle glow at night...
25. Yummy foods I make - My salsa kicks ass! And I never had a recipe, just put in what sounded good to me and everyone devours it!
26. Zodiac sign - Cancer. I'm a crab. Shocking, isn't it? ;)
Oh gee, look at the time... I must be off to work. Certainly you all have tears of sadness because this cannot continue. Yeah, or something like that... Ok my little bloglings, run along... shoo! Shoo! =)
Friday, March 31, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
Words of wisdom
It's true what they say...
You can never go back.
But in a sense, we all go back to something at some point in our lives. Even when we believe we are going forward; things change. We change.
I'm coming to some realizations and not sure what to do with it all. There's crunching in the gears once again. The wheels are turning, I just don't know where they'll take me.
You can never go back.
But in a sense, we all go back to something at some point in our lives. Even when we believe we are going forward; things change. We change.
I'm coming to some realizations and not sure what to do with it all. There's crunching in the gears once again. The wheels are turning, I just don't know where they'll take me.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Overhaul
Isn't the working world fun? I mean really. Think about it - a group of people that actually get paid to annoy one another. Unless, of course, you are on the receiving end; then it's not such a blast.
Over the past two days, I've been on both ends. The mania seems to holding steady at low grade which means that my patience (short supply to begin with) is gossamer thin. I'm just a cranky bitch, what can I say? You know when you get irritated and you say what you want to say to the other person but manage to temper it with humor? Well, I'm forgetting about the humor part and just blurting out exactly what I think. Heh, it is kind of funny to see the look on their faces. Last night I got in an argument with a nurse on the phone and ended up telling her that I didnt care what she did or didn't feel like doing, this is the correct procedure. She protested (my guess, she was stamping her feet, too) and 'threatened' to talk to 'someone' about this. I told her that would be great, she should talk to however many people it took for her to feel better and to hear the correct answer repeatedly. I don't think she liked that. Perhaps I would have been smarter to curtail the outbursts until after my review. Meh, oh well.
And I learned that my last lifeline, my night pharmacist, has applied for another job. I really don't know what to think anymore. The environment I was hired into has completely changed, and it's only been three months. If I'd been there longer and these changes occured, it would be much easier to handle. This has been like trying to steady myself on shifting sand after the second week and I just don't feel a connection. I'm thinking I should give it maybe another month or two before I make any serious decisions to leave. I have a tendency to over analyze things and keep making excuses then come to find that years have gone by with me still 'deciding'. I don't really want to do that in this case. Plus, I have my apartment lease to consider. I'm trying to time it all to reduce casualties.
Adding to that, I have to weigh the pros and cons of repairing my car vs getting another one. Not sure I can handle a car payment. Nothing like having your residency, job, and mode of transportation all in need of an overhaul at the same time. Then again, I shouldn't act surprised or feel overwhelmed when everything kind of hits at once. Isn't that the way things usually go?
Oh well, at least my house smells really good now. =)
Over the past two days, I've been on both ends. The mania seems to holding steady at low grade which means that my patience (short supply to begin with) is gossamer thin. I'm just a cranky bitch, what can I say? You know when you get irritated and you say what you want to say to the other person but manage to temper it with humor? Well, I'm forgetting about the humor part and just blurting out exactly what I think. Heh, it is kind of funny to see the look on their faces. Last night I got in an argument with a nurse on the phone and ended up telling her that I didnt care what she did or didn't feel like doing, this is the correct procedure. She protested (my guess, she was stamping her feet, too) and 'threatened' to talk to 'someone' about this. I told her that would be great, she should talk to however many people it took for her to feel better and to hear the correct answer repeatedly. I don't think she liked that. Perhaps I would have been smarter to curtail the outbursts until after my review. Meh, oh well.
And I learned that my last lifeline, my night pharmacist, has applied for another job. I really don't know what to think anymore. The environment I was hired into has completely changed, and it's only been three months. If I'd been there longer and these changes occured, it would be much easier to handle. This has been like trying to steady myself on shifting sand after the second week and I just don't feel a connection. I'm thinking I should give it maybe another month or two before I make any serious decisions to leave. I have a tendency to over analyze things and keep making excuses then come to find that years have gone by with me still 'deciding'. I don't really want to do that in this case. Plus, I have my apartment lease to consider. I'm trying to time it all to reduce casualties.
Adding to that, I have to weigh the pros and cons of repairing my car vs getting another one. Not sure I can handle a car payment. Nothing like having your residency, job, and mode of transportation all in need of an overhaul at the same time. Then again, I shouldn't act surprised or feel overwhelmed when everything kind of hits at once. Isn't that the way things usually go?
Oh well, at least my house smells really good now. =)
Monday, March 20, 2006
Spinnin' wheel
It's here. Or it's coming; not sure which. Just be warned - I take no responsibility for my behavior whatsoever. Momentarily at least. Can you guess what I'm talking about? No? Ok, well it's not PMS (although that's knocking on my door, too). Give up? Let me paint a little picture for you...
Saturday I went to the grocery store and felt compelled to buy 10 different air fresheners. Why? Because it seemed like a good idea at the time. And no, my house doesn't smell that bad. Later in the day I got a burst of energy and danced around my living room like my ass was on fire to the music that ran through the credits of a movie I had been watching. There was much flailing about. Yesterday, I saw fit to remove two factory stickers from the leaded glass window above my computer desk. This involved me getting on a wobbly chair (vertigo and all) and using my Ulu to scrape them off, then I cleaned and dried the window. Who dries windows really? (If you aren't familiar with what an ulu is, please check it out; it'll make this a bit clearer.) Yeah, me with no balance on a rickety chair holding a blade that could gut Moby Dick... perhaps not the best combination. After living through that, I decided to 'fix' my vacuum cleaner. I turned it over my lap and flipped the switch, effectively spraying cat litter, fuzz, carpet fibers and whatever crap was stuck in the brushes all over my computer and desk. Most of the crap is out of the keyboard now. Most. I'm just ignoring the gritty, crunching sound. Didn't think that one through. After that, I opened the part where the bag fits on to see if there was adequate suction. *Note: do not try this method* Dummy me didn't think it through, yet again... it's an air intake, therefore there would be no suction. I can report that there is no blockage as it then blew grimy dust all over me. I am smarter than the vacuum, I swear. Just not right now. See where this is going yet? Ok... lets say I rounded out the evening with a phone call to my mom that lasted approximately 90 minutes. I was awake half the night despite being tired. I woke up singing christmas carols. Not just one or two, but damn near all of them; just in little snippets. I think I washed my hair three times in the shower. I forgot yet again that I have to do my taxes - even though they are sitting so close to me I can reach my pinky finger over and touch them. I've forgotten what day it is like, three times already and thought of no less than six new people to add to my shit list. My brain has not stopped all weekend and it's just gaining momentum...
Yes.... it's Mania Time! Over the past week I skipped a few doses of lithium and combined with some work stress, it seems to have triggered a bit of a manic phase. I'm hoping that this is it; that it doesn't escalate. I will be training a new person at work starting today, then I get to begin training another the following week. I'll be talking a mile a minute to this poor person today and dragging them around from place to place by the ear no doubt. It took me a minute to recognize the ulu incident and vacuum situation as things that I do without thinking... because my brain won't slow long enough to let me. OCD tendencies come out as demonstrated by my new air freshener collection and reorganized silverware drawer...
Here's hoping it's just a mild phase; hypomania. Otherwise I fear for the lives of others. Pairing a blast of a manic phase with PMS cannnot have a good outcome. Although you might catch me on CNN...
Saturday I went to the grocery store and felt compelled to buy 10 different air fresheners. Why? Because it seemed like a good idea at the time. And no, my house doesn't smell that bad. Later in the day I got a burst of energy and danced around my living room like my ass was on fire to the music that ran through the credits of a movie I had been watching. There was much flailing about. Yesterday, I saw fit to remove two factory stickers from the leaded glass window above my computer desk. This involved me getting on a wobbly chair (vertigo and all) and using my Ulu to scrape them off, then I cleaned and dried the window. Who dries windows really? (If you aren't familiar with what an ulu is, please check it out; it'll make this a bit clearer.) Yeah, me with no balance on a rickety chair holding a blade that could gut Moby Dick... perhaps not the best combination. After living through that, I decided to 'fix' my vacuum cleaner. I turned it over my lap and flipped the switch, effectively spraying cat litter, fuzz, carpet fibers and whatever crap was stuck in the brushes all over my computer and desk. Most of the crap is out of the keyboard now. Most. I'm just ignoring the gritty, crunching sound. Didn't think that one through. After that, I opened the part where the bag fits on to see if there was adequate suction. *Note: do not try this method* Dummy me didn't think it through, yet again... it's an air intake, therefore there would be no suction. I can report that there is no blockage as it then blew grimy dust all over me. I am smarter than the vacuum, I swear. Just not right now. See where this is going yet? Ok... lets say I rounded out the evening with a phone call to my mom that lasted approximately 90 minutes. I was awake half the night despite being tired. I woke up singing christmas carols. Not just one or two, but damn near all of them; just in little snippets. I think I washed my hair three times in the shower. I forgot yet again that I have to do my taxes - even though they are sitting so close to me I can reach my pinky finger over and touch them. I've forgotten what day it is like, three times already and thought of no less than six new people to add to my shit list. My brain has not stopped all weekend and it's just gaining momentum...
Yes.... it's Mania Time! Over the past week I skipped a few doses of lithium and combined with some work stress, it seems to have triggered a bit of a manic phase. I'm hoping that this is it; that it doesn't escalate. I will be training a new person at work starting today, then I get to begin training another the following week. I'll be talking a mile a minute to this poor person today and dragging them around from place to place by the ear no doubt. It took me a minute to recognize the ulu incident and vacuum situation as things that I do without thinking... because my brain won't slow long enough to let me. OCD tendencies come out as demonstrated by my new air freshener collection and reorganized silverware drawer...
Here's hoping it's just a mild phase; hypomania. Otherwise I fear for the lives of others. Pairing a blast of a manic phase with PMS cannnot have a good outcome. Although you might catch me on CNN...
Sunday, March 19, 2006
ACK!
Is it official? Is my blog fucked???? Yesterday after I posted and added to my sidebar things were fine, later, I even went back and replied to a few comments on other posts. Now my entire sidebar is gone and it ends mid post a few posts back. I went to the help section and guess where my sidebar shows up? THERE!!!
Does it look normal to anyone or is it just my view of it? Considering I don't even see a way to leave a comment, e-mail me if you have the address and let me know. Is there a way to email Blogger? I can't quite see because my sidebar is superimposed over the 'Help' page - big help that is.
I hope this fixes itself. My blood pressure is elevating as we speak...
* Ok, I just posted this and viewed it and it's back to normal... what the fuck?! I must have inadvertantly pissed on the shoes of the Blogger Gods somewhere along the way. Blood pressure returning to normal - the saga continues. Hopefully.
** My blog is indeed fucked. Just went to check it out and it now is a different color, starts with the comments from a prevoius post and goes right into a post from about two weeks ago. My sidebar is now at the bottom, making it a bottom bar. I hope this means Blogger is trying to fix it since it keeps morphing into something new. Or maybe... it has taken on a life of it's own. Scary. Thought.
*** And now it is a totally blank white screen, yet I can still post. This is either a good sign (under construction perhaps?) or a very, very bad one.
Does it look normal to anyone or is it just my view of it? Considering I don't even see a way to leave a comment, e-mail me if you have the address and let me know. Is there a way to email Blogger? I can't quite see because my sidebar is superimposed over the 'Help' page - big help that is.
I hope this fixes itself. My blood pressure is elevating as we speak...
* Ok, I just posted this and viewed it and it's back to normal... what the fuck?! I must have inadvertantly pissed on the shoes of the Blogger Gods somewhere along the way. Blood pressure returning to normal - the saga continues. Hopefully.
** My blog is indeed fucked. Just went to check it out and it now is a different color, starts with the comments from a prevoius post and goes right into a post from about two weeks ago. My sidebar is now at the bottom, making it a bottom bar. I hope this means Blogger is trying to fix it since it keeps morphing into something new. Or maybe... it has taken on a life of it's own. Scary. Thought.
*** And now it is a totally blank white screen, yet I can still post. This is either a good sign (under construction perhaps?) or a very, very bad one.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Just things
Ok, I wasn't able to get to my blog for about 2 days or so due to some certain 'bad filer' maintenance issue they had. Well, I guess I had the issue too considering I was locked out. I just had visions of finally getting back to it and having it say it was deleted or something. Most of this blog is just things I blurt out, uncensored, but it's still mine and I'd have been pissed to find it smashed to bits.
What can I tell you that's new? Oh, well I finally got out and about and went on a little journey here in Pittsburgh! Alright, not so much a journey as a trip to the dentist. But the dentist is new and not located along my way to work, the grocery store, or the library, so it was kind of like a pathetic little adventure of sorts. That is so sad...lol. Interestingly, I found that I liked driving faster than 17 miles per hour like I do here right in the heart of it all. I think I got the whole way up to 50 mph or so! Could've fooled me; felt like Mach 2!
I've also made friends! Ok, again, another embellishment on facts as they are. There is a guy across the street that is staying with his sister temporarily and is looking for an apartment and was asking about the one above me. (Theirs is the house that good ol' crunk mouf visits but thankfully, it's not the same guy.) Anyway, we had a couple very brief chats about the rental and talked today for about 15-20 minutes. No, we aren't really friends; even I'm not that delusional, but for a short period I was interacting with another human... just like the stories other people tell. I think, oh, what's the term they use? Yes... 'having a conversation' or some such thing.
On my exciting Saturday afternoon outing at the grocery store (ahem) I managed to most likely make a name for myself there as 'stinky girl'. Yours truly felt compelled to buy, wait, let me count, ten - count 'em...10! - various types of air fresheners. Table tops, sprays, plug ins... all of it. These people must think my house literally smells like shit! Of course I had to try them all out so now my house does in fact stink. Kind of like The Great Perfumery Rebellion of 2006. My nose burns from the smell; perhaps I should smoke a cigarette to cover it up? =)
I learned that sometime in the near future I will be having a review at work. I thought it was at six months but apparently it's sooner. Oh yippee. Did I make my excitement clear there? I don't even know what I want to hear to be honest. On another front, I'll be training a new person this coming week and yet another one starting the following week. My excitement is nearly uncontainable. Should be interesting to say the least considering we have been operating with fewer people than are necessary. Probably at about a 60% staffing level. But hey, I'm not bitter. After all, I did get a teeny locker with a preprinted label that bears my name - all is well with the universe. Wonder what they'd think if I peeled the label off.... hmmm?
Just because I'm the giving, loving, sharing sort of person that I am (cough) I've placed a link in the sidebar to a band called Evans Blue. The link opens it right up and the song it opens with is the one that caught my interest. It's not maniacal sounding so don't be frightened. Yes, I actually put those music links there for you, not for my personal fun and enjoyment. Then again, with things as they are, that is just about the most fun I've had lately.
For now, I'm going to live it up and watch TV. No, seriously - I average about an hour of TV per week and that is mostly thanks to The Weather Channel. This makes me wonder why I pay $65/mo for cable. Maybe luck will be with me and something worthwhile will be on. If not, I can always go test the air fresheners again.
What can I tell you that's new? Oh, well I finally got out and about and went on a little journey here in Pittsburgh! Alright, not so much a journey as a trip to the dentist. But the dentist is new and not located along my way to work, the grocery store, or the library, so it was kind of like a pathetic little adventure of sorts. That is so sad...lol. Interestingly, I found that I liked driving faster than 17 miles per hour like I do here right in the heart of it all. I think I got the whole way up to 50 mph or so! Could've fooled me; felt like Mach 2!
I've also made friends! Ok, again, another embellishment on facts as they are. There is a guy across the street that is staying with his sister temporarily and is looking for an apartment and was asking about the one above me. (Theirs is the house that good ol' crunk mouf visits but thankfully, it's not the same guy.) Anyway, we had a couple very brief chats about the rental and talked today for about 15-20 minutes. No, we aren't really friends; even I'm not that delusional, but for a short period I was interacting with another human... just like the stories other people tell. I think, oh, what's the term they use? Yes... 'having a conversation' or some such thing.
On my exciting Saturday afternoon outing at the grocery store (ahem) I managed to most likely make a name for myself there as 'stinky girl'. Yours truly felt compelled to buy, wait, let me count, ten - count 'em...10! - various types of air fresheners. Table tops, sprays, plug ins... all of it. These people must think my house literally smells like shit! Of course I had to try them all out so now my house does in fact stink. Kind of like The Great Perfumery Rebellion of 2006. My nose burns from the smell; perhaps I should smoke a cigarette to cover it up? =)
I learned that sometime in the near future I will be having a review at work. I thought it was at six months but apparently it's sooner. Oh yippee. Did I make my excitement clear there? I don't even know what I want to hear to be honest. On another front, I'll be training a new person this coming week and yet another one starting the following week. My excitement is nearly uncontainable. Should be interesting to say the least considering we have been operating with fewer people than are necessary. Probably at about a 60% staffing level. But hey, I'm not bitter. After all, I did get a teeny locker with a preprinted label that bears my name - all is well with the universe. Wonder what they'd think if I peeled the label off.... hmmm?
Just because I'm the giving, loving, sharing sort of person that I am (cough) I've placed a link in the sidebar to a band called Evans Blue. The link opens it right up and the song it opens with is the one that caught my interest. It's not maniacal sounding so don't be frightened. Yes, I actually put those music links there for you, not for my personal fun and enjoyment. Then again, with things as they are, that is just about the most fun I've had lately.
For now, I'm going to live it up and watch TV. No, seriously - I average about an hour of TV per week and that is mostly thanks to The Weather Channel. This makes me wonder why I pay $65/mo for cable. Maybe luck will be with me and something worthwhile will be on. If not, I can always go test the air fresheners again.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried...
It's a known fact that you can't always get what you want, right? Fine, I can deal with that. But must it be a fact in my life that not only can I not get what I want, but that I suck the weirdos right out of the woodwork?!
Scenario: Around 11pm on Friday I see a guy that works in the department next to me leaving and say bye and ask his plans for the weekend. Pretty normal stuff. He explains that a water pipe broke in one of his walls and he'll be spending the weekend doing bathroom repairs to fix the damage. Here's where it starts to go bad. Knowing that we live about a mile apart, I kind of joke and say he should let me know when he's going to do the painting because I love to paint (which I do). After saying that he'll be hanging wallpaper, I kindly bow out as I have no experience and that it would most likely end up glued to me like human fly paper. From here, it plummets. After slowly looking me up and down, he says that's fine with him... just make sure I wear something nice and and if I get caught in it, I'd be all his. Stuck. To the wallpaper. How was I to know the term 'human fly paper' would be such an erotic phrase? Um, eww.
That is one of the most bizarre propositions I've ever heard. Remind me again why people say things like this to me? After the shock wore off, I did find it pretty funny, but still... he wasn't joking. I've been ignoring suggestive stares and 'come home with me' comments for two months with him.
I'm tellin' ya.... don't make me bust out my keychain....lol!
Scenario: Around 11pm on Friday I see a guy that works in the department next to me leaving and say bye and ask his plans for the weekend. Pretty normal stuff. He explains that a water pipe broke in one of his walls and he'll be spending the weekend doing bathroom repairs to fix the damage. Here's where it starts to go bad. Knowing that we live about a mile apart, I kind of joke and say he should let me know when he's going to do the painting because I love to paint (which I do). After saying that he'll be hanging wallpaper, I kindly bow out as I have no experience and that it would most likely end up glued to me like human fly paper. From here, it plummets. After slowly looking me up and down, he says that's fine with him... just make sure I wear something nice and and if I get caught in it, I'd be all his. Stuck. To the wallpaper. How was I to know the term 'human fly paper' would be such an erotic phrase? Um, eww.
That is one of the most bizarre propositions I've ever heard. Remind me again why people say things like this to me? After the shock wore off, I did find it pretty funny, but still... he wasn't joking. I've been ignoring suggestive stares and 'come home with me' comments for two months with him.
I'm tellin' ya.... don't make me bust out my keychain....lol!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
because I'm...
sometimes the words come at me
so fast that they settle in my heart
and take my breath away
they symbolize all that I want
for one shining moment
they dance and spiral
freeing me of all that ties me down
but then my brain reminds me otherwise
the grim reality that those things
are not meant to be mine settles in
my guilt for even wanting them
overcomes me
I let the feeling go
shrouded in a reflective darkness
I see me for what I really am
broken
so fast that they settle in my heart
and take my breath away
they symbolize all that I want
for one shining moment
they dance and spiral
freeing me of all that ties me down
but then my brain reminds me otherwise
the grim reality that those things
are not meant to be mine settles in
my guilt for even wanting them
overcomes me
I let the feeling go
shrouded in a reflective darkness
I see me for what I really am
broken
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
So long old friend.
In what seems like a whirlwind of information, shock, confusion and hope that lasted only a few days, I've lost a very sweet, furry friend. As of four o'clock today, my cat Ty has gone to what I can only hope is a magnificent kitty heaven.
Many years ago, I worked with a girl that had a cat she couldn't keep because one of her other cats kept attacking him. She had a habit of rescuing animals and then realizing she couldn't possibly keep them all. She was very upset because this cat was so sweet and docile that her other cat found him an easy target and asked me if I'd be interested in adding another cat to my line up. His name was Titanic as he weighed almost 25 pounds; when he was found, animal control was getting calls of a 'panther' lurking in the neighborhood. When I met him, I thought he was one of the most beautiful cats I'd ever seen: huge green eyes and a soft black coat with a layer of white hidden underneath only detectable when you pushed his fur the opposite direction. Needless to say, he found a new home.
Not so long after I took him, my mother fell in love with him and wanted him to live with her. He had been with her almost exclusively but we considered him 'our' cat. Ty (as we shortened his name) was a very well adjusted cat and like a big smooshy stuffed animal. Although we had reduced his weight over the years to 15#, he still was like a tall feline linebacker and had a craving for carbs of any sort. If you left them out... he found them and helped himself. If you called him, he'd come running and literally crash into your shin head first, again, kind of like a linebacker. If he liked you, he'd try his hardest to get to your hair and groom you... endlessly. He was big, sweet, lovable and not overly bright.
Late last week, he was having trouble breathing. When he got to the vet's, they tapped 150 mls of fluid from his lungs. Testing was inconclusive but they had two ideas: rapid onset heart failure or Feline Infectious Peritonitis. They assumed it was the former as he had been strictly indoors for many years and always got a clean bill of health at his check ups. He was put on meds and appeared to be doing alright. I went home this weekend and got to spend a little bit of time with him.
This morning, he had more difficulty breathing and even had fluid dripping from his nose. After being rushed to the vet, they said his lungs had filled yet again, maybe even more than the first time. This was only a matter of three days and he was on meds to prevent it. They now think the culprit was in fact FIP and that it had remained dormant all this time. Unfortunately, this means exposure for the other cats if they are right with the diagnosis.
There is no way to cure it. He would have been in the same situation in a matter of days again and would have had to deal with the discomfort as well. The vet said his lungs were literally floating. any more fluid and he would have either drowned or his heart would have given out. In light of that, my mother and I talked and decided it would be kinder to have him put to sleep. I don't take euthanasia lightly (having been a vet tech for four years gives you a different perspective) and saw it as the last kind thing that either of us could do for him.
I sat crouched crying in the IV Room at work on my cell phone while we made the decision. My mother was with him and that was the best I could ask for. So today I said goodbye to a very sweet friend that will not be forgotten. Apparently it was his time, yet the selfish part of me wishes that simply wasn't so. At least not so soon.
Many years ago, I worked with a girl that had a cat she couldn't keep because one of her other cats kept attacking him. She had a habit of rescuing animals and then realizing she couldn't possibly keep them all. She was very upset because this cat was so sweet and docile that her other cat found him an easy target and asked me if I'd be interested in adding another cat to my line up. His name was Titanic as he weighed almost 25 pounds; when he was found, animal control was getting calls of a 'panther' lurking in the neighborhood. When I met him, I thought he was one of the most beautiful cats I'd ever seen: huge green eyes and a soft black coat with a layer of white hidden underneath only detectable when you pushed his fur the opposite direction. Needless to say, he found a new home.
Not so long after I took him, my mother fell in love with him and wanted him to live with her. He had been with her almost exclusively but we considered him 'our' cat. Ty (as we shortened his name) was a very well adjusted cat and like a big smooshy stuffed animal. Although we had reduced his weight over the years to 15#, he still was like a tall feline linebacker and had a craving for carbs of any sort. If you left them out... he found them and helped himself. If you called him, he'd come running and literally crash into your shin head first, again, kind of like a linebacker. If he liked you, he'd try his hardest to get to your hair and groom you... endlessly. He was big, sweet, lovable and not overly bright.
Late last week, he was having trouble breathing. When he got to the vet's, they tapped 150 mls of fluid from his lungs. Testing was inconclusive but they had two ideas: rapid onset heart failure or Feline Infectious Peritonitis. They assumed it was the former as he had been strictly indoors for many years and always got a clean bill of health at his check ups. He was put on meds and appeared to be doing alright. I went home this weekend and got to spend a little bit of time with him.
This morning, he had more difficulty breathing and even had fluid dripping from his nose. After being rushed to the vet, they said his lungs had filled yet again, maybe even more than the first time. This was only a matter of three days and he was on meds to prevent it. They now think the culprit was in fact FIP and that it had remained dormant all this time. Unfortunately, this means exposure for the other cats if they are right with the diagnosis.
There is no way to cure it. He would have been in the same situation in a matter of days again and would have had to deal with the discomfort as well. The vet said his lungs were literally floating. any more fluid and he would have either drowned or his heart would have given out. In light of that, my mother and I talked and decided it would be kinder to have him put to sleep. I don't take euthanasia lightly (having been a vet tech for four years gives you a different perspective) and saw it as the last kind thing that either of us could do for him.
I sat crouched crying in the IV Room at work on my cell phone while we made the decision. My mother was with him and that was the best I could ask for. So today I said goodbye to a very sweet friend that will not be forgotten. Apparently it was his time, yet the selfish part of me wishes that simply wasn't so. At least not so soon.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
They aren't even words, damnit!
I'm getting irritated. I'm sick of word verification on here... anyone else?
I'm half tempted to remove it just to see what happens. Has anyone removed it (I don't pay that much attention) or know anyone that has tried to? What happened? Just wondering if the influx of spamments has been reduced in any way.
On a good yet pointless (to you) note, I had some labwork (lipid profile) done for a healthscreening at work today and it would appear that all of my cholesterol levels and triglicerides KICK ASS! I am the envy of many in the lipid conscious world! So for the moment, croaking from clogged arteries isn't much of a possibility. Always a bonus. Finally, something is functioning well within the normal range.
See! SEE! There is something normal about me!!!
I'm half tempted to remove it just to see what happens. Has anyone removed it (I don't pay that much attention) or know anyone that has tried to? What happened? Just wondering if the influx of spamments has been reduced in any way.
On a good yet pointless (to you) note, I had some labwork (lipid profile) done for a healthscreening at work today and it would appear that all of my cholesterol levels and triglicerides KICK ASS! I am the envy of many in the lipid conscious world! So for the moment, croaking from clogged arteries isn't much of a possibility. Always a bonus. Finally, something is functioning well within the normal range.
See! SEE! There is something normal about me!!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
He just HAD to push my buttons
Push my buttons and you need to be prepared, simple. Poor guy never saw it coming. My guess is that the seat of his car was wet by the time all was said and done. I will say I spent the remainder of my drive home looking for a police convoy rapidly approaching in my rearview mirror...
So, I'm leaving the shop with my car (minus a heat shield... it was banging around so they tore it off. Cool with me.) and I happened to pull into a parking lot on the wrong side of a lamp post. Yes, I was wrong. Bad me. That must make me personally responsible for the impending downfall of all civilization known thus far. Anyway, both lanes on the sides of this lamp post are wide enough to allow four or five cars to comfortably drive side by side. My being on the wrong side for a nanosecond was truly not much of a consequence considering there were only a handful of cars in the entire area. Either way I was wrong. Fine. Motion me over, flip me off, mouth nasty words to me. However, do not swerve in front of me with your arms flailing about, then slam on your brakes, then hit the gas and do it again. No. This is not a good option. It sets things off in my brain that I can't control. I tried. I mouthed 'sorry, my fault' and made an attemt to move over immediately. The idiot keeps coming right toward me... mouth going a million miles a minute. *SNAP* I yank the steering wheel, partially cut him off and roll down my window. I'm practically climbing out in an attempt to strangle him while spouting expletives I didn't even know I had knowledge of. I managed to inform him that if he'd get his head out of his ass and stop playing games he'd see I had out of state licence plates and to get the fuck out of my ass, I said I was sorry.
Apparently whatever I said, or the maniacal gleam in my eye, got him to drop it. He rolled up his window rather quickly with a worried look and drove around me. Methinks the man lacked a cell phone or I would be in jail now. Can you blog in jail?
He just shouldn't have pushed my buttons. Simple.
So, I'm leaving the shop with my car (minus a heat shield... it was banging around so they tore it off. Cool with me.) and I happened to pull into a parking lot on the wrong side of a lamp post. Yes, I was wrong. Bad me. That must make me personally responsible for the impending downfall of all civilization known thus far. Anyway, both lanes on the sides of this lamp post are wide enough to allow four or five cars to comfortably drive side by side. My being on the wrong side for a nanosecond was truly not much of a consequence considering there were only a handful of cars in the entire area. Either way I was wrong. Fine. Motion me over, flip me off, mouth nasty words to me. However, do not swerve in front of me with your arms flailing about, then slam on your brakes, then hit the gas and do it again. No. This is not a good option. It sets things off in my brain that I can't control. I tried. I mouthed 'sorry, my fault' and made an attemt to move over immediately. The idiot keeps coming right toward me... mouth going a million miles a minute. *SNAP* I yank the steering wheel, partially cut him off and roll down my window. I'm practically climbing out in an attempt to strangle him while spouting expletives I didn't even know I had knowledge of. I managed to inform him that if he'd get his head out of his ass and stop playing games he'd see I had out of state licence plates and to get the fuck out of my ass, I said I was sorry.
Apparently whatever I said, or the maniacal gleam in my eye, got him to drop it. He rolled up his window rather quickly with a worried look and drove around me. Methinks the man lacked a cell phone or I would be in jail now. Can you blog in jail?
He just shouldn't have pushed my buttons. Simple.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
777 - Jackpot!
And so it goes... the tag has once again caught up to me via Luke. It includes the number '7' so I couldn't pass it up...
Seven dreams before death
Immediately I wondered if before meant 'prior to' or 'in front of'. Either way, how am I to know that they have not already been played out/realized/fulfilled or otherwise dreamt? I prefer not knowing the answer actually.
Seven things I can't do in this lifetime
Go back to the last one and rethink my choice of this one
Keep my mouth shut
Anything involving balance
Be happy for someone who is making a dumbass choice
Get in my car without putting the window down and the music up
Balance my checkbook
Turn back the clock to answer two letters from a dead person
Seven things that attract me
I'm going to take this as meaning the opposite sex. Otherwise I'd just have too much of a hard time... half the time, nothing attracts me, other times it's a damned free for all. Therefore, I've narrowed it to one topic.
Honesty
Respect
Sense of humor; preferably quirky
Intelligence; wow me with nerdy facts, baby
Eyes that reflect a smile
Hands; yes, I see them and imagine if I'd like what they'd look like on me ;)
Most importantly, the one unnamable thing that draws me like a moth to a flame. The fact that for some reason I cannot have you. That's usually the way in the end.
Seven things I say
Oh, piss
You jackass
What the fuck
Fits of giggling and laughter
I don't remember/I forget
Fabulous
Don't tempt me
Seven books I love
American Gods (Neil Gaiman)
A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
Interview With a Vampire (Anne Rice)
Inferno (Dante Alighieri)
Ishmael (Daniel Quinn)
Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary
A book that a certain friend will no doubt one day write
Seven movies that I've loved
Kill Me Later
Fargo
Very Bad Things
Edward Scissorhands
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Heartbreakers
Being John Malkovich
Seven tags
Since I've been taking my good old time with writing posts and checking everyone's blogs, I'll just say feel free to tag yourselves. With my luck I'll tag you and you've already done it. I'm smart like that lately.
So there you have it... the short version of me. =)
Seven dreams before death
Immediately I wondered if before meant 'prior to' or 'in front of'. Either way, how am I to know that they have not already been played out/realized/fulfilled or otherwise dreamt? I prefer not knowing the answer actually.
Seven things I can't do in this lifetime
Go back to the last one and rethink my choice of this one
Keep my mouth shut
Anything involving balance
Be happy for someone who is making a dumbass choice
Get in my car without putting the window down and the music up
Balance my checkbook
Turn back the clock to answer two letters from a dead person
Seven things that attract me
I'm going to take this as meaning the opposite sex. Otherwise I'd just have too much of a hard time... half the time, nothing attracts me, other times it's a damned free for all. Therefore, I've narrowed it to one topic.
Honesty
Respect
Sense of humor; preferably quirky
Intelligence; wow me with nerdy facts, baby
Eyes that reflect a smile
Hands; yes, I see them and imagine if I'd like what they'd look like on me ;)
Most importantly, the one unnamable thing that draws me like a moth to a flame. The fact that for some reason I cannot have you. That's usually the way in the end.
Seven things I say
Oh, piss
You jackass
What the fuck
Fits of giggling and laughter
I don't remember/I forget
Fabulous
Don't tempt me
Seven books I love
American Gods (Neil Gaiman)
A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
Interview With a Vampire (Anne Rice)
Inferno (Dante Alighieri)
Ishmael (Daniel Quinn)
Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary
A book that a certain friend will no doubt one day write
Seven movies that I've loved
Kill Me Later
Fargo
Very Bad Things
Edward Scissorhands
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Heartbreakers
Being John Malkovich
Seven tags
Since I've been taking my good old time with writing posts and checking everyone's blogs, I'll just say feel free to tag yourselves. With my luck I'll tag you and you've already done it. I'm smart like that lately.
So there you have it... the short version of me. =)
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
It's in the way that you use it
Or at least that's what Eric Clapton says.
He also goes on to say that it comes and it goes. What help is that? Although I myself have a knack for being vague, it frustrates me in this instance. I have no idea why that song flew into my head today, but it did. I think I'll just blame him for not having the answers I seek. Sounds reasonable.
Did you ever have the feeling that you are just off in the wings, waiting for life to start? I'm sure you have; I don't think it's an uncommon feeling. I'm not in a bad mood or anything, so I don't want to give that impression, I'm just full of questions. Why this? Why that? (And why is it still so damned cold?!) I'm going through the motions but really not feeling much. Honestly, I think that is my own doing. I've orchestrated it that way. Somehow I deemed it necessary to distance myself from things and I'm doing a damned good job. Now, I sit here and look around me and realize that there is nothing else; just me. And all my questions and uncertainties. Again, this is not necessarily bad. It might prompt me into actually doing something about it. To get involved. To feel something. Now I think I'm just forgetting how. Oh bother.
I may be going back to Ohio this weekend but most likely not for a good reason. The jury is still out on that one. Again, it will be great to visit, even briefly and under tense circumstances, but then it will make me question even more. I've not bonded with my job. I don't hate it but if I left today I wouldn't lose any sleep. That most likely comes from me distancing myself, so it's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy, no? Being back in Ohio will probably make me want to move back. Not surprising. When I was in Ohio, I pined for Pennsylvania. Now that I am here, it's Ohio that holds temptation. Either I am looking through the rose colored glasses of idealism or I've forgotten how to simply live life. At least for the moment. The one thing about me is that I forget that the majority of life is what you make of it, not your physical location. Ok, barring war zones, etc. I do believe this but there are times that I get lapses in judgement and forget. Ohio holds no magic key, although the familiarity is comforting. Comforting, however, does not make a life worthwhile and whole. I'm just saying that the pull is there. My entire life I've moved back and forth between these two states so in my mind, returning to the previous location is always a possibility. You cannot erase 35 years of a pattern. If I would choose to return, my guess is that it wouldn't be long until I wanted to be back here. Yes, I know I'm rambling. No, I don't care. Often I can look back at my posts and see things a little differently and gain insight when I've just let it all flow out like this. Of course, other times I just think... what the fuck???
It's been a week and thus far, no one has tried to break into my car again. This is a good thing. I don't like people touching my stuff. If I offer, it's yours and then some. But don't touch it otherwise. I'd prefer not to booby trap my car (mainly because I'd forget and end up sabotaging myself upon entry) but the idea does hold a certain twisted humor for me. On both counts.
If you are in the mood for a good story to follow, may I suggest going here and reading from the beginning. We're on part 5 but just start at part 1 and enjoy... it will be well worth your time.
That's enough nonsense for today; you've all earned a break. =) Now go play nice. Or at least be creative...
He also goes on to say that it comes and it goes. What help is that? Although I myself have a knack for being vague, it frustrates me in this instance. I have no idea why that song flew into my head today, but it did. I think I'll just blame him for not having the answers I seek. Sounds reasonable.
Did you ever have the feeling that you are just off in the wings, waiting for life to start? I'm sure you have; I don't think it's an uncommon feeling. I'm not in a bad mood or anything, so I don't want to give that impression, I'm just full of questions. Why this? Why that? (And why is it still so damned cold?!) I'm going through the motions but really not feeling much. Honestly, I think that is my own doing. I've orchestrated it that way. Somehow I deemed it necessary to distance myself from things and I'm doing a damned good job. Now, I sit here and look around me and realize that there is nothing else; just me. And all my questions and uncertainties. Again, this is not necessarily bad. It might prompt me into actually doing something about it. To get involved. To feel something. Now I think I'm just forgetting how. Oh bother.
I may be going back to Ohio this weekend but most likely not for a good reason. The jury is still out on that one. Again, it will be great to visit, even briefly and under tense circumstances, but then it will make me question even more. I've not bonded with my job. I don't hate it but if I left today I wouldn't lose any sleep. That most likely comes from me distancing myself, so it's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy, no? Being back in Ohio will probably make me want to move back. Not surprising. When I was in Ohio, I pined for Pennsylvania. Now that I am here, it's Ohio that holds temptation. Either I am looking through the rose colored glasses of idealism or I've forgotten how to simply live life. At least for the moment. The one thing about me is that I forget that the majority of life is what you make of it, not your physical location. Ok, barring war zones, etc. I do believe this but there are times that I get lapses in judgement and forget. Ohio holds no magic key, although the familiarity is comforting. Comforting, however, does not make a life worthwhile and whole. I'm just saying that the pull is there. My entire life I've moved back and forth between these two states so in my mind, returning to the previous location is always a possibility. You cannot erase 35 years of a pattern. If I would choose to return, my guess is that it wouldn't be long until I wanted to be back here. Yes, I know I'm rambling. No, I don't care. Often I can look back at my posts and see things a little differently and gain insight when I've just let it all flow out like this. Of course, other times I just think... what the fuck???
It's been a week and thus far, no one has tried to break into my car again. This is a good thing. I don't like people touching my stuff. If I offer, it's yours and then some. But don't touch it otherwise. I'd prefer not to booby trap my car (mainly because I'd forget and end up sabotaging myself upon entry) but the idea does hold a certain twisted humor for me. On both counts.
If you are in the mood for a good story to follow, may I suggest going here and reading from the beginning. We're on part 5 but just start at part 1 and enjoy... it will be well worth your time.
That's enough nonsense for today; you've all earned a break. =) Now go play nice. Or at least be creative...
Saturday, February 18, 2006
mama don't let your babies grow up to be crunk fools...
Gasp! Yes, it's me. It's been quite a while since I did a post and I figured I'd use this time to just hit the sounding board. Blogs are great for that. It's like thinking out loud. And, in my case, having a conversation (albeit initially one-sided) because you are new in a city and still have no friends. But that'll come in time, I'm not worried.
I'm living through the bronchitis sans antibiotics. Still not 'well' but much better than before. I've played this respiratory game before and know it takes a long time for me to get back to normal. And no wise-ass remarks on that 'normal' bit, you know what I mean. =)
Here's the update on my pharmacist, Jerry that was suspended; he got fired. Yep, one of my lifelines is gone. How nice. I think it was a shitty thing they did because it was not justified. He's no saint and yes, errors occurred, but it was in no way enough to can him. They didn't like him, period. I was really upset at first but I had this feeling that that would be the outcome. Part of me was accepting it before it was even final. In their minds though, I believe it was final from it's initiating point. We'll see what happens; it's hard to keep up. I can see that it's difficult to know who your friends and enemies are but thankfully, I have a good idea who is calling the shots. I know how to play the game, I've played it many times before. Sometimes I'm glad that I come off as silly; it makes it easier to hide the intelligence, the fact that I am following along alot closer than I am often given credit for - it's like they never see it coming from me and are often caught off guard. Yes, I've played that game, too. I like that one...
Communication has been very kind to me this past week. I've had some wonderful conversations with a far away friend that makes them seem not quite so far away. A day doesn't go by where I don't recognize how fortunate I am to have them in my life. This has been a tiring week and our conversations have been something that really helped me through. Along the same lines, a few weeks ago, I sort of shot up a flare during some confused rambling and someone out there heard it. Not only did they hear it, they acted upon it to a greater extent than I'd ever thought anyone would. I've yet to properly thank them but will tend to that straight away. The fact that they offered assistance to someone who is 'just a name' to them says so much about them. When I lose faith in humans, as has been happening alot lately, these are the kinds of people that remind me that all is not lost. Thank you.
Speaking of things not being lost... apparently I've remembered how to be an incurable flirt over the past week. Kind of a fun thing yet yielding no results... =) I didn't even realize it at first, but when I did, I was like... 'Oh cool, I still know how to do that'! There was one guy I struck up an innocent and brief conversation with (he was having car/battery trouble and was the next car away...) and managed to not flirt in the slightest. Know why? This is what I saw...
I'm living through the bronchitis sans antibiotics. Still not 'well' but much better than before. I've played this respiratory game before and know it takes a long time for me to get back to normal. And no wise-ass remarks on that 'normal' bit, you know what I mean. =)
Here's the update on my pharmacist, Jerry that was suspended; he got fired. Yep, one of my lifelines is gone. How nice. I think it was a shitty thing they did because it was not justified. He's no saint and yes, errors occurred, but it was in no way enough to can him. They didn't like him, period. I was really upset at first but I had this feeling that that would be the outcome. Part of me was accepting it before it was even final. In their minds though, I believe it was final from it's initiating point. We'll see what happens; it's hard to keep up. I can see that it's difficult to know who your friends and enemies are but thankfully, I have a good idea who is calling the shots. I know how to play the game, I've played it many times before. Sometimes I'm glad that I come off as silly; it makes it easier to hide the intelligence, the fact that I am following along alot closer than I am often given credit for - it's like they never see it coming from me and are often caught off guard. Yes, I've played that game, too. I like that one...
Communication has been very kind to me this past week. I've had some wonderful conversations with a far away friend that makes them seem not quite so far away. A day doesn't go by where I don't recognize how fortunate I am to have them in my life. This has been a tiring week and our conversations have been something that really helped me through. Along the same lines, a few weeks ago, I sort of shot up a flare during some confused rambling and someone out there heard it. Not only did they hear it, they acted upon it to a greater extent than I'd ever thought anyone would. I've yet to properly thank them but will tend to that straight away. The fact that they offered assistance to someone who is 'just a name' to them says so much about them. When I lose faith in humans, as has been happening alot lately, these are the kinds of people that remind me that all is not lost. Thank you.
Speaking of things not being lost... apparently I've remembered how to be an incurable flirt over the past week. Kind of a fun thing yet yielding no results... =) I didn't even realize it at first, but when I did, I was like... 'Oh cool, I still know how to do that'! There was one guy I struck up an innocent and brief conversation with (he was having car/battery trouble and was the next car away...) and managed to not flirt in the slightest. Know why? This is what I saw...
Perhaps if he'd spent his money on a new car battery as opposed to the crunk, he'd not have been in such a predicament. I'm pretty sure I didn't up and laugh when he grinned. Pretty sure...
Well, that's all for now, just an update before I'm off to bed. It's already after 4am so I'm looking forward to some decent sleep. Hopefully blogging will resume to a more frequent schedule this coming week. This has been a public service announcement...
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Born of the sea...
...blink, the sea is dead.
Falls out of me these sockets in my head;
Everyone's a captain baby, ship of fools-
Drowning while they're telling you it's been all right.
Don't you know they're lying when they're telling you it's been all right?
Even I tire of the gloom and doom and depressing nature of my thoughts lately; that's one of the reasons I've hesitated with posting. The second is that I have bronchitis and just haven't felt well. That being said, here we go...
After missing work for two days (in fairness to my lungs and respiratory system, it should have been more as I'm still sick) I returned to work to find that one of my pharmacists had been suspended about an hour before I got in. No warning, just suspended. I don't know if there are real grounds or just the fact that several people there don't like him (that's putting it mildly) and magnified things to put the spotlight on him. If he leaves this will kind of fuck with me. My two night pharmacists are the two I've come to bond with and the other has commented that he had another offer to consider. I mean, good for you if you have something better, honestly. At the moment I'm letting myself be selfish about it - this is my blog after all. My point of view. So, since I've taken this job, the faces are changing too rapidly. I would really miss either of them if they were to leave. Something tells me to stay on guard because this isn't the end of it. Lately, I have been thinking that I should contact my former director (the one that just left) and see if her offer still stands. I just don't think I should jump so soon; there is something in that idea that doesn't sit well with me. The way I was raised (well, the old world religious part of it) indicates that you are better if you suffer. Pay your dues and then some. Twice. Then offer more for good measure. Thank goodness that teaching didn't last long but part of it still remains to this day. Anyway, it's kind of sucking at work right now. My occasional bright point is seeing 'Joe' (aka Cute Boy) but that in turn sucks as well... damn that marriage certificate. Oh well, he's a friendly face - I'll take it. It's nice to have someone smile when the see you with no ulterior motive.
So then there's the bronchitis thing - I had this doctor's appointment all set up (for a simple prescription refill) before I got sick and have since learned that the doctor and both of his offices (yes, I had to go to both; and they are not close) are the definition of the word clusterfuck. What an experience. I don't think I'll be going back. Then, for the cherry on top, they screwed up my prescription and I have no antibiotics over the weekend, or at all for that matter. Actually, I'm not even going to get them filled. If worse comes to worst, it'll be cheaper to be admitted to the hospital as an employee than to fill that one prescription. Seriously.
Gee, other than that, let's see... my heating bill is almost half of my rent payment. Nice, eh? And I keep it very cool: on 62F when I'm out and 64/65F when I'm here. Layering is essential. Ok, I splurged; it was 66-68F when I was sick for a couple of days. I'd go back to considering Chez Camry but there have been some new noises there that I'm not quite happy with. Not that I'd be expecting much quality sleep though. Last night I was dreaming of being in a plane crash (not recommended), boats flying through the air overhead, and hiking a mountain up one side (here) and down the other (in France) ill prepared but holding my gear and managing to receive a small box delivered 'overnight' of two pair of socks from mom. En route. On the trail. But when I looked up I could see and identify my destination - Interlochen (Interlaken). Which isn't in France at all, it's in Switzerland. I've been there. Point is, it seemed like it was so far away but once I identified my destination, it seemed to make the trek worthwhile. All of it, even the plane crash. Is that telling me to find my own 'destination'? That perhaps once I do, all these things will fade off into the backdrop and just seem like tiny annoyances by then? Perhaps, but at this time it seems as if all these little things are conspiring to be the end of me; whether physical or mental. Come to think of it, a nice trip to Switzerland may be just what I need... or France, as that's where my brain put the mountain. Told you my brain wasn't reliable. Or it could be the cold medicine.
Think I'll go off and check a few blogs now. Lots to check as I haven't been snooping around in about a week. Hopefully over the weekend I'll catch up. Beer sounds good to accompany the blog reading...hmmm.... I like beer. I like blogs. I lead a simple, simple life...
Falls out of me these sockets in my head;
Everyone's a captain baby, ship of fools-
Drowning while they're telling you it's been all right.
Don't you know they're lying when they're telling you it's been all right?
Even I tire of the gloom and doom and depressing nature of my thoughts lately; that's one of the reasons I've hesitated with posting. The second is that I have bronchitis and just haven't felt well. That being said, here we go...
After missing work for two days (in fairness to my lungs and respiratory system, it should have been more as I'm still sick) I returned to work to find that one of my pharmacists had been suspended about an hour before I got in. No warning, just suspended. I don't know if there are real grounds or just the fact that several people there don't like him (that's putting it mildly) and magnified things to put the spotlight on him. If he leaves this will kind of fuck with me. My two night pharmacists are the two I've come to bond with and the other has commented that he had another offer to consider. I mean, good for you if you have something better, honestly. At the moment I'm letting myself be selfish about it - this is my blog after all. My point of view. So, since I've taken this job, the faces are changing too rapidly. I would really miss either of them if they were to leave. Something tells me to stay on guard because this isn't the end of it. Lately, I have been thinking that I should contact my former director (the one that just left) and see if her offer still stands. I just don't think I should jump so soon; there is something in that idea that doesn't sit well with me. The way I was raised (well, the old world religious part of it) indicates that you are better if you suffer. Pay your dues and then some. Twice. Then offer more for good measure. Thank goodness that teaching didn't last long but part of it still remains to this day. Anyway, it's kind of sucking at work right now. My occasional bright point is seeing 'Joe' (aka Cute Boy) but that in turn sucks as well... damn that marriage certificate. Oh well, he's a friendly face - I'll take it. It's nice to have someone smile when the see you with no ulterior motive.
So then there's the bronchitis thing - I had this doctor's appointment all set up (for a simple prescription refill) before I got sick and have since learned that the doctor and both of his offices (yes, I had to go to both; and they are not close) are the definition of the word clusterfuck. What an experience. I don't think I'll be going back. Then, for the cherry on top, they screwed up my prescription and I have no antibiotics over the weekend, or at all for that matter. Actually, I'm not even going to get them filled. If worse comes to worst, it'll be cheaper to be admitted to the hospital as an employee than to fill that one prescription. Seriously.
Gee, other than that, let's see... my heating bill is almost half of my rent payment. Nice, eh? And I keep it very cool: on 62F when I'm out and 64/65F when I'm here. Layering is essential. Ok, I splurged; it was 66-68F when I was sick for a couple of days. I'd go back to considering Chez Camry but there have been some new noises there that I'm not quite happy with. Not that I'd be expecting much quality sleep though. Last night I was dreaming of being in a plane crash (not recommended), boats flying through the air overhead, and hiking a mountain up one side (here) and down the other (in France) ill prepared but holding my gear and managing to receive a small box delivered 'overnight' of two pair of socks from mom. En route. On the trail. But when I looked up I could see and identify my destination - Interlochen (Interlaken). Which isn't in France at all, it's in Switzerland. I've been there. Point is, it seemed like it was so far away but once I identified my destination, it seemed to make the trek worthwhile. All of it, even the plane crash. Is that telling me to find my own 'destination'? That perhaps once I do, all these things will fade off into the backdrop and just seem like tiny annoyances by then? Perhaps, but at this time it seems as if all these little things are conspiring to be the end of me; whether physical or mental. Come to think of it, a nice trip to Switzerland may be just what I need... or France, as that's where my brain put the mountain. Told you my brain wasn't reliable. Or it could be the cold medicine.
Think I'll go off and check a few blogs now. Lots to check as I haven't been snooping around in about a week. Hopefully over the weekend I'll catch up. Beer sounds good to accompany the blog reading...hmmm.... I like beer. I like blogs. I lead a simple, simple life...
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Twisted Transistor
Within the last week I've been sick in three different manners; my system has been thrown for a loop from stress, most likely. I've had to explain to grown men at work how to piss IN the toilet... not ON it. I got the promotion. My coworker is skating on thin ice because of psychotic outbursts and serious antisocial behavior (impeding her work) and may not be there much longer if it continues. As I said to someone a few days back, this promo may be akin to being elevated to first mate on the Titanic. In addition, serious discussions are in the works about how much longer Benny will be among the living. When I imagine holding life and death in my hands, it is typically that of some human idiot, not a feline one. Additionally, I'm in the process of severing more ties and have nothing yet to replace them. Yay, emptiness and more time to brood. All of these things leave LiVEwiRe in a bit of a tense state of mind. In a way, it's good... it's putting up the buffer again. I'm swinging between being sweet natured with some and drilling the 'don't even think of fucking with me or I'll rip off your arm and beat you with it' look into others. This buffer is called self preservation. It has served me well in the past. Not associated, when I get my hair cut in a couple of weeks, it's going mostly black. There will still be red, but to be honest, if I had the money, I'd get extensions and have almost a red/black striped effect. No such luck; no funding. But it would work better for my headbanging. So, back to the point of this... self preservation. I'm getting a bit of an icy shell because I'm getting pissed at the idiocy I'm encountering everywhere; but it kind of numbs me to it to an extent...
Which brings me to something I wanted to link you to. I'm putting lyrics (of course) and noting the ones that seem to speak to me the most at this moment. I'm giving you a link to visit the band Korn's site.... GO TO IT! This is one of the most visually cunning sites I've seen in quite a while but you have to navigate the site to get it to move... so try it! If you are inclined to watch a funny video spoof, check out their video to this song... none of the 'real' band members are performing in it and it has a lovely cameo by Snoop Dogg. I laughed; alot. The audio for this song is on there as well - it's good to listen to it to put it in context and add a sense of feeling to the lyrics. This song is sort of how I'm being pushed to feel at the moment. Eh, give me another few days and it may change - you know how I am.
"Twisted Transistor"
(Korn)
Hey you, hey you, Devil's little sister
Listening to your Twisted Transistor
Hold it between your legs
Turn it up, turn it up
The wind is coming through
Can't get enough
A lonely life, where no one understands you
But don't give up, because the music do
Music do [x6]
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
Hey you, hey you, finally you get it
The world ain't fair, eat you if you let it
And as your tears fall on
Your breast, your dress
Vibrations coming through
You're in a mess
A lonely life, where no one understands you
But don't give up, because the music do
Music do [x6]
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
Music do [x4]
Hey you, hey you, this won't hurt a bit
This won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt
Says who? Says who?
Anesthetize this bitch
Anesthetize this bitch, anesthetize!
Just let me be
Between you and me don't fit
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
**
Ok, so go to the site... it's very cool. Even if you keep the sound off, it's worth the visit. Click around and see where it takes you.
Off to try to get some sleep now. Sleep should at least make me feel better physically as I can't get to a doctor until Friday. Yeah, good thing I'm not sick or anything. Other than that, all is well. Oh, and I just realized I've been blogging for a year... back to the start here.
Which brings me to something I wanted to link you to. I'm putting lyrics (of course) and noting the ones that seem to speak to me the most at this moment. I'm giving you a link to visit the band Korn's site.... GO TO IT! This is one of the most visually cunning sites I've seen in quite a while but you have to navigate the site to get it to move... so try it! If you are inclined to watch a funny video spoof, check out their video to this song... none of the 'real' band members are performing in it and it has a lovely cameo by Snoop Dogg. I laughed; alot. The audio for this song is on there as well - it's good to listen to it to put it in context and add a sense of feeling to the lyrics. This song is sort of how I'm being pushed to feel at the moment. Eh, give me another few days and it may change - you know how I am.
"Twisted Transistor"
(Korn)
Hey you, hey you, Devil's little sister
Listening to your Twisted Transistor
Hold it between your legs
Turn it up, turn it up
The wind is coming through
Can't get enough
A lonely life, where no one understands you
But don't give up, because the music do
Music do [x6]
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
Hey you, hey you, finally you get it
The world ain't fair, eat you if you let it
And as your tears fall on
Your breast, your dress
Vibrations coming through
You're in a mess
A lonely life, where no one understands you
But don't give up, because the music do
Music do [x6]
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
Music do [x4]
Hey you, hey you, this won't hurt a bit
This won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt
Says who? Says who?
Anesthetize this bitch
Anesthetize this bitch, anesthetize!
Just let me be
Between you and me don't fit
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
**
Ok, so go to the site... it's very cool. Even if you keep the sound off, it's worth the visit. Click around and see where it takes you.
Off to try to get some sleep now. Sleep should at least make me feel better physically as I can't get to a doctor until Friday. Yeah, good thing I'm not sick or anything. Other than that, all is well. Oh, and I just realized I've been blogging for a year... back to the start here.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
And the weird beat goes on...
Because the fabulous Banzai Cat asked... I shall answer. (There is a good chance he, or anyone else, will never ask anything of me again after reading this...!)
The Rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.
This is of course assuming I have any weird habits... {ahem}...
1) I believe my fate can be told by holding my breath, not blinking, or spotting a red car. Example: While in traffic, if I can avoid blinking until the light turns green, I won't die that day, or succumb to leprosy, or have my ear fall off. Of course it's never anything good, but hey, it's worked so far...
2) When getting ready to go somewhere, I cannot get ready then sit around. I have no concept of time; therefore, I must do everything I can/need/want to, then (and only then) leave just enough time measured out for me to get ready before walking out the door. If I try to reverse the process I'm messed up for the entire day. This is frustrating to others and has made me perpetually late in the past. The habit remains but I'm better at being prompt.
3) Despite having several deadbolt locks on my doors, when I get out of the shower and dressed, I do a walk through of the house for signs that no one has gotten in while I was in there. I'm not sure what makes me think they are patiently waiting somewhere as opposed to coming to attack me while I'm in the shower.
4) I must always have a supply of spring water with me at all times, close at hand. Home, work, my car - you name it. Even if I am just going to the store, it's there beside me. If I forget it, I pull over at the nearest store and buy a bottle. I cannot fuction without it. I do not live in a desert, but I may as well because I'm convinced I need it. I've been like that for more years than I can recall. On the bright side, I'm well hydrated.
5) Unless I absolutely must, I never use my real name. Not even on my email account. I'm paranoid over the fact that people can find and identify me so easily and have an actual alias that I have used for years. When I can get away with it, I use it.
So there you have it... a few odd habits of yours truly. As if you needed any more ammunition to peg me as 'weird'. Now, as far as tagging.... I think I will.... Besides, Banzai says I have to! =)
And the (hopefully willing) winners are:
Jarvenpa - There must be some quirks in that beautiful writing!
Heidi - Certainly you saw this one coming...
Prisoner - Just because I'd love to get in your head.
Kitty - You knew I'd pick you!
Bean - Simply because you are a nut... =)
Well, thanks for playing... please leave some spare change in the tray as you exit to help fund my next therapy appointment...
The Rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.
This is of course assuming I have any weird habits... {ahem}...
1) I believe my fate can be told by holding my breath, not blinking, or spotting a red car. Example: While in traffic, if I can avoid blinking until the light turns green, I won't die that day, or succumb to leprosy, or have my ear fall off. Of course it's never anything good, but hey, it's worked so far...
2) When getting ready to go somewhere, I cannot get ready then sit around. I have no concept of time; therefore, I must do everything I can/need/want to, then (and only then) leave just enough time measured out for me to get ready before walking out the door. If I try to reverse the process I'm messed up for the entire day. This is frustrating to others and has made me perpetually late in the past. The habit remains but I'm better at being prompt.
3) Despite having several deadbolt locks on my doors, when I get out of the shower and dressed, I do a walk through of the house for signs that no one has gotten in while I was in there. I'm not sure what makes me think they are patiently waiting somewhere as opposed to coming to attack me while I'm in the shower.
4) I must always have a supply of spring water with me at all times, close at hand. Home, work, my car - you name it. Even if I am just going to the store, it's there beside me. If I forget it, I pull over at the nearest store and buy a bottle. I cannot fuction without it. I do not live in a desert, but I may as well because I'm convinced I need it. I've been like that for more years than I can recall. On the bright side, I'm well hydrated.
5) Unless I absolutely must, I never use my real name. Not even on my email account. I'm paranoid over the fact that people can find and identify me so easily and have an actual alias that I have used for years. When I can get away with it, I use it.
So there you have it... a few odd habits of yours truly. As if you needed any more ammunition to peg me as 'weird'. Now, as far as tagging.... I think I will.... Besides, Banzai says I have to! =)
And the (hopefully willing) winners are:
Jarvenpa - There must be some quirks in that beautiful writing!
Heidi - Certainly you saw this one coming...
Prisoner - Just because I'd love to get in your head.
Kitty - You knew I'd pick you!
Bean - Simply because you are a nut... =)
Well, thanks for playing... please leave some spare change in the tray as you exit to help fund my next therapy appointment...
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Bits and pieces
I'm currently working on a tag (yes, it takes me forever) but until then I just had a few thoughts running around in ye olde cranium and thought I'd let them out.
First, I replaced my bed. This makes me happy. Hopefully this one will work out better. The other one apparently had a latent flaw that manifested after I had it for a while as there is nothing I could've done to it to make it lose air. Maybe a seam was bad or something. So this is a good thing.
Yesterday my mom and gram came down to visit for a few hours. I do wish they could've stayed longer but even the short visit was nice. Gram likes the apartment but hates the location where I work. The look on her face was priceless. It's old and very, very crowded; people park on the sidewalks due to a lack of space. For someone that has Lake Erie as her front yard, this is a huge change. She even said that she'd like to come back for another visit sometime soon. She must've been bitten by the traveling bug because today she is up in NY with my mom and aunt gambling. She'll be 85 in April so I say go for it!
Rumor has it that I am moving up in the food chain at work. I don't have all the details yet so I'm hoping it's not directly into a shark's mouth or something. It's a Lead Tech position and is mainly what role I've been assuming thus far but it'll have a little (yes, little) more money with it and a formal title. If I'm doing it anyway might as well make it official. No other news on it yet.
I'm learning that I have a knack for honing in on the guys that are not attainable. Well, I suppose everyone is attainable to an extent, but I mean the kind of unattainable that will get an angry wife yelling and screaming at you. Do you think I hone in on that as a safety measure? I mean, if it goes nowhere, I can't get hurt, right? Damn. Somehow I manage to do this. Or maybe a guy that is married doesn't feel the need to put on airs (I mean really, he's set, why should he?) and I respond to the openness and lack of pretention. Of course then I'm disappointed and slightly bitter but I get over it. I'm just wondering what draws me in that direction? No, I don't act on it but I think I need a better method. I don't go out actively looking for guys so when one catches my eye, it actually is more than just an initial response. Oh well. I just think it's weird.
I promised someone some pictures so I think I'm going to dig out my camera and see if I remember how to use it. First I might want to think about getting a few other things in order but then again, sometimes I suck at prioritizing...lol. Besides, playing with the camera is always fun, so I say we go for that first! Right? Right!
First, I replaced my bed. This makes me happy. Hopefully this one will work out better. The other one apparently had a latent flaw that manifested after I had it for a while as there is nothing I could've done to it to make it lose air. Maybe a seam was bad or something. So this is a good thing.
Yesterday my mom and gram came down to visit for a few hours. I do wish they could've stayed longer but even the short visit was nice. Gram likes the apartment but hates the location where I work. The look on her face was priceless. It's old and very, very crowded; people park on the sidewalks due to a lack of space. For someone that has Lake Erie as her front yard, this is a huge change. She even said that she'd like to come back for another visit sometime soon. She must've been bitten by the traveling bug because today she is up in NY with my mom and aunt gambling. She'll be 85 in April so I say go for it!
Rumor has it that I am moving up in the food chain at work. I don't have all the details yet so I'm hoping it's not directly into a shark's mouth or something. It's a Lead Tech position and is mainly what role I've been assuming thus far but it'll have a little (yes, little) more money with it and a formal title. If I'm doing it anyway might as well make it official. No other news on it yet.
I'm learning that I have a knack for honing in on the guys that are not attainable. Well, I suppose everyone is attainable to an extent, but I mean the kind of unattainable that will get an angry wife yelling and screaming at you. Do you think I hone in on that as a safety measure? I mean, if it goes nowhere, I can't get hurt, right? Damn. Somehow I manage to do this. Or maybe a guy that is married doesn't feel the need to put on airs (I mean really, he's set, why should he?) and I respond to the openness and lack of pretention. Of course then I'm disappointed and slightly bitter but I get over it. I'm just wondering what draws me in that direction? No, I don't act on it but I think I need a better method. I don't go out actively looking for guys so when one catches my eye, it actually is more than just an initial response. Oh well. I just think it's weird.
I promised someone some pictures so I think I'm going to dig out my camera and see if I remember how to use it. First I might want to think about getting a few other things in order but then again, sometimes I suck at prioritizing...lol. Besides, playing with the camera is always fun, so I say we go for that first! Right? Right!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
This is my cue to laugh, right?
So yesterday I reinflated my bed, which I do every 2-3 days or so. When I came home and eventually went to sleep, it seemed way softer than what I recalled, so I filled it again. This morning I woke up halfway on the ground. Ok, this is not good. Nor is it comfortable... I feel like I slept all wadded up in a box. I must solve this problem before my spine summons rebel forces. This folks, is me not pleased.
However, I got an email from my mother this morning that, well, let's just say I'm glad I peed before I read it. Here is the email:
However, I got an email from my mother this morning that, well, let's just say I'm glad I peed before I read it. Here is the email:
- It's positively time for a new phone when... You dial the cable company and the voice answering says - 'hi, let's have some fun'.
The buttons on her phone don't want to work properly and somehow she got some phone sex line. (I wondered if it was just another service offered by our cable monopoly known as Comcast.) Now, to get the significance, you'd have to know my mother. She is by no means puritanical but things like that really throw her. For years, I'd never say 'fuck' in front of her. When it finally slipped out, you'd have thought that my speech patterns were the reason for the impending downfall of civilization as we know it. Had she been religious, she no doubt would have blessed herself and grabbed the rosary praying for the soul of her only child. (She tells me she thinks I'm 'above' that. Yeah ma, think again.) Yeah, well, she's not like that but she is the most expressive and animated person I've ever known. Her reactions are almost cartoon-like. I tell her that I often see her eyebrows hovering over her head, not on it, just like in cartoons. I would have loved to have been there when that call connected just to see the look on her face. Of course now I told her I'd like to scan her phone bill for other 900#s... =)
Ok, off to solve the mystery of the deflating bed. If only Shaggy and Scooby were here...
And I haven't forgotten about my tag Mr. Cat... hopefully tomorrow! =)
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Born under a bad sign?
I'm writing this then going back to hide in bed. Couple of things on my mind so I figured I'd try to pull them out amid the general chaos and try to purge them from my brain. First, does anyone know anything about astrology? Was I born under a bad sign? It would be much easier to deal with that than to think life is sucking right now because 'it just does'. Or Allah wills it. Or God says you are never given more than you can handle. If 'God' would take a closer look it would be clear that I'm not handling it so well. Please, just tell me it's planetary alignment or something.
Ok, I threw a complete fit at work Friday complete with numerous expletives, flying objects and thinly veiled threats. I am not a babysitter. Although it is 'unspoken law' that I'm the go-to person on my shift (per the pharmacists), I still need some fucking cooperation. One month, that's as long as I've been there. I've decided to go in and just keep my mouth shut and attempt to do it all myself. That way I don't have to babysit, nor do I have to be disappointed by others. Will I fail with this method? Most likely. Right now, I don't care.
Remember Benny, my semi-evil cat? Well, he's still at it and wreaking havoc at my mothers' house with her cats. He's on drugs and we've used a pheromone diffuser to calm him and it's just not working. When he attacks, his former leukemia symptoms come back. So, which came first? Did the flare up in symptoms reestablish inflammation in the brain causing the aggressive behavior or does a bout of aggression bring on the inflammatory response. We've consulted a behavioralist and it isn't looking good. My next trip back to Ohio may be for his euthanasia. I feel so damned helpless.
My nerves are frazzled to the point where I can't eat. If I manage to choke something down past the nausea, I still feel sick for hours. If I don't eat at all, well, obviously I feel like shit, but then the acid reflux takes over and my stomach kills me and furnishes even more nausea. It's like a lose/lose situation.
Which brings me to the next topic of my doctor's office being a bunch of incompetent oafs. They will not help me with records because I've crossed the state line... seriously. So now I have to hurry (before my prescription for my stomach runs out - not that it's doing a world of good) and find a doctor here that I have to actually ask to falsify records because they won't help me. Fuckers.
And because I'm being reminded of being alone and somewhat lonely right now, advertising for Valentine's Day is pumping full force. Thanks. Add some salt to the wound, why don't you?
I'm going back to hide.
Ok, I threw a complete fit at work Friday complete with numerous expletives, flying objects and thinly veiled threats. I am not a babysitter. Although it is 'unspoken law' that I'm the go-to person on my shift (per the pharmacists), I still need some fucking cooperation. One month, that's as long as I've been there. I've decided to go in and just keep my mouth shut and attempt to do it all myself. That way I don't have to babysit, nor do I have to be disappointed by others. Will I fail with this method? Most likely. Right now, I don't care.
Remember Benny, my semi-evil cat? Well, he's still at it and wreaking havoc at my mothers' house with her cats. He's on drugs and we've used a pheromone diffuser to calm him and it's just not working. When he attacks, his former leukemia symptoms come back. So, which came first? Did the flare up in symptoms reestablish inflammation in the brain causing the aggressive behavior or does a bout of aggression bring on the inflammatory response. We've consulted a behavioralist and it isn't looking good. My next trip back to Ohio may be for his euthanasia. I feel so damned helpless.
My nerves are frazzled to the point where I can't eat. If I manage to choke something down past the nausea, I still feel sick for hours. If I don't eat at all, well, obviously I feel like shit, but then the acid reflux takes over and my stomach kills me and furnishes even more nausea. It's like a lose/lose situation.
Which brings me to the next topic of my doctor's office being a bunch of incompetent oafs. They will not help me with records because I've crossed the state line... seriously. So now I have to hurry (before my prescription for my stomach runs out - not that it's doing a world of good) and find a doctor here that I have to actually ask to falsify records because they won't help me. Fuckers.
And because I'm being reminded of being alone and somewhat lonely right now, advertising for Valentine's Day is pumping full force. Thanks. Add some salt to the wound, why don't you?
I'm going back to hide.
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