Push my buttons and you need to be prepared, simple. Poor guy never saw it coming. My guess is that the seat of his car was wet by the time all was said and done. I will say I spent the remainder of my drive home looking for a police convoy rapidly approaching in my rearview mirror...
So, I'm leaving the shop with my car (minus a heat shield... it was banging around so they tore it off. Cool with me.) and I happened to pull into a parking lot on the wrong side of a lamp post. Yes, I was wrong. Bad me. That must make me personally responsible for the impending downfall of all civilization known thus far. Anyway, both lanes on the sides of this lamp post are wide enough to allow four or five cars to comfortably drive side by side. My being on the wrong side for a nanosecond was truly not much of a consequence considering there were only a handful of cars in the entire area. Either way I was wrong. Fine. Motion me over, flip me off, mouth nasty words to me. However, do not swerve in front of me with your arms flailing about, then slam on your brakes, then hit the gas and do it again. No. This is not a good option. It sets things off in my brain that I can't control. I tried. I mouthed 'sorry, my fault' and made an attemt to move over immediately. The idiot keeps coming right toward me... mouth going a million miles a minute. *SNAP* I yank the steering wheel, partially cut him off and roll down my window. I'm practically climbing out in an attempt to strangle him while spouting expletives I didn't even know I had knowledge of. I managed to inform him that if he'd get his head out of his ass and stop playing games he'd see I had out of state licence plates and to get the fuck out of my ass, I said I was sorry.
Apparently whatever I said, or the maniacal gleam in my eye, got him to drop it. He rolled up his window rather quickly with a worried look and drove around me. Methinks the man lacked a cell phone or I would be in jail now. Can you blog in jail?
He just shouldn't have pushed my buttons. Simple.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
777 - Jackpot!
And so it goes... the tag has once again caught up to me via Luke. It includes the number '7' so I couldn't pass it up...
Seven dreams before death
Immediately I wondered if before meant 'prior to' or 'in front of'. Either way, how am I to know that they have not already been played out/realized/fulfilled or otherwise dreamt? I prefer not knowing the answer actually.
Seven things I can't do in this lifetime
Go back to the last one and rethink my choice of this one
Keep my mouth shut
Anything involving balance
Be happy for someone who is making a dumbass choice
Get in my car without putting the window down and the music up
Balance my checkbook
Turn back the clock to answer two letters from a dead person
Seven things that attract me
I'm going to take this as meaning the opposite sex. Otherwise I'd just have too much of a hard time... half the time, nothing attracts me, other times it's a damned free for all. Therefore, I've narrowed it to one topic.
Honesty
Respect
Sense of humor; preferably quirky
Intelligence; wow me with nerdy facts, baby
Eyes that reflect a smile
Hands; yes, I see them and imagine if I'd like what they'd look like on me ;)
Most importantly, the one unnamable thing that draws me like a moth to a flame. The fact that for some reason I cannot have you. That's usually the way in the end.
Seven things I say
Oh, piss
You jackass
What the fuck
Fits of giggling and laughter
I don't remember/I forget
Fabulous
Don't tempt me
Seven books I love
American Gods (Neil Gaiman)
A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
Interview With a Vampire (Anne Rice)
Inferno (Dante Alighieri)
Ishmael (Daniel Quinn)
Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary
A book that a certain friend will no doubt one day write
Seven movies that I've loved
Kill Me Later
Fargo
Very Bad Things
Edward Scissorhands
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Heartbreakers
Being John Malkovich
Seven tags
Since I've been taking my good old time with writing posts and checking everyone's blogs, I'll just say feel free to tag yourselves. With my luck I'll tag you and you've already done it. I'm smart like that lately.
So there you have it... the short version of me. =)
Seven dreams before death
Immediately I wondered if before meant 'prior to' or 'in front of'. Either way, how am I to know that they have not already been played out/realized/fulfilled or otherwise dreamt? I prefer not knowing the answer actually.
Seven things I can't do in this lifetime
Go back to the last one and rethink my choice of this one
Keep my mouth shut
Anything involving balance
Be happy for someone who is making a dumbass choice
Get in my car without putting the window down and the music up
Balance my checkbook
Turn back the clock to answer two letters from a dead person
Seven things that attract me
I'm going to take this as meaning the opposite sex. Otherwise I'd just have too much of a hard time... half the time, nothing attracts me, other times it's a damned free for all. Therefore, I've narrowed it to one topic.
Honesty
Respect
Sense of humor; preferably quirky
Intelligence; wow me with nerdy facts, baby
Eyes that reflect a smile
Hands; yes, I see them and imagine if I'd like what they'd look like on me ;)
Most importantly, the one unnamable thing that draws me like a moth to a flame. The fact that for some reason I cannot have you. That's usually the way in the end.
Seven things I say
Oh, piss
You jackass
What the fuck
Fits of giggling and laughter
I don't remember/I forget
Fabulous
Don't tempt me
Seven books I love
American Gods (Neil Gaiman)
A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
Interview With a Vampire (Anne Rice)
Inferno (Dante Alighieri)
Ishmael (Daniel Quinn)
Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary
A book that a certain friend will no doubt one day write
Seven movies that I've loved
Kill Me Later
Fargo
Very Bad Things
Edward Scissorhands
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Heartbreakers
Being John Malkovich
Seven tags
Since I've been taking my good old time with writing posts and checking everyone's blogs, I'll just say feel free to tag yourselves. With my luck I'll tag you and you've already done it. I'm smart like that lately.
So there you have it... the short version of me. =)
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
It's in the way that you use it
Or at least that's what Eric Clapton says.
He also goes on to say that it comes and it goes. What help is that? Although I myself have a knack for being vague, it frustrates me in this instance. I have no idea why that song flew into my head today, but it did. I think I'll just blame him for not having the answers I seek. Sounds reasonable.
Did you ever have the feeling that you are just off in the wings, waiting for life to start? I'm sure you have; I don't think it's an uncommon feeling. I'm not in a bad mood or anything, so I don't want to give that impression, I'm just full of questions. Why this? Why that? (And why is it still so damned cold?!) I'm going through the motions but really not feeling much. Honestly, I think that is my own doing. I've orchestrated it that way. Somehow I deemed it necessary to distance myself from things and I'm doing a damned good job. Now, I sit here and look around me and realize that there is nothing else; just me. And all my questions and uncertainties. Again, this is not necessarily bad. It might prompt me into actually doing something about it. To get involved. To feel something. Now I think I'm just forgetting how. Oh bother.
I may be going back to Ohio this weekend but most likely not for a good reason. The jury is still out on that one. Again, it will be great to visit, even briefly and under tense circumstances, but then it will make me question even more. I've not bonded with my job. I don't hate it but if I left today I wouldn't lose any sleep. That most likely comes from me distancing myself, so it's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy, no? Being back in Ohio will probably make me want to move back. Not surprising. When I was in Ohio, I pined for Pennsylvania. Now that I am here, it's Ohio that holds temptation. Either I am looking through the rose colored glasses of idealism or I've forgotten how to simply live life. At least for the moment. The one thing about me is that I forget that the majority of life is what you make of it, not your physical location. Ok, barring war zones, etc. I do believe this but there are times that I get lapses in judgement and forget. Ohio holds no magic key, although the familiarity is comforting. Comforting, however, does not make a life worthwhile and whole. I'm just saying that the pull is there. My entire life I've moved back and forth between these two states so in my mind, returning to the previous location is always a possibility. You cannot erase 35 years of a pattern. If I would choose to return, my guess is that it wouldn't be long until I wanted to be back here. Yes, I know I'm rambling. No, I don't care. Often I can look back at my posts and see things a little differently and gain insight when I've just let it all flow out like this. Of course, other times I just think... what the fuck???
It's been a week and thus far, no one has tried to break into my car again. This is a good thing. I don't like people touching my stuff. If I offer, it's yours and then some. But don't touch it otherwise. I'd prefer not to booby trap my car (mainly because I'd forget and end up sabotaging myself upon entry) but the idea does hold a certain twisted humor for me. On both counts.
If you are in the mood for a good story to follow, may I suggest going here and reading from the beginning. We're on part 5 but just start at part 1 and enjoy... it will be well worth your time.
That's enough nonsense for today; you've all earned a break. =) Now go play nice. Or at least be creative...
He also goes on to say that it comes and it goes. What help is that? Although I myself have a knack for being vague, it frustrates me in this instance. I have no idea why that song flew into my head today, but it did. I think I'll just blame him for not having the answers I seek. Sounds reasonable.
Did you ever have the feeling that you are just off in the wings, waiting for life to start? I'm sure you have; I don't think it's an uncommon feeling. I'm not in a bad mood or anything, so I don't want to give that impression, I'm just full of questions. Why this? Why that? (And why is it still so damned cold?!) I'm going through the motions but really not feeling much. Honestly, I think that is my own doing. I've orchestrated it that way. Somehow I deemed it necessary to distance myself from things and I'm doing a damned good job. Now, I sit here and look around me and realize that there is nothing else; just me. And all my questions and uncertainties. Again, this is not necessarily bad. It might prompt me into actually doing something about it. To get involved. To feel something. Now I think I'm just forgetting how. Oh bother.
I may be going back to Ohio this weekend but most likely not for a good reason. The jury is still out on that one. Again, it will be great to visit, even briefly and under tense circumstances, but then it will make me question even more. I've not bonded with my job. I don't hate it but if I left today I wouldn't lose any sleep. That most likely comes from me distancing myself, so it's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy, no? Being back in Ohio will probably make me want to move back. Not surprising. When I was in Ohio, I pined for Pennsylvania. Now that I am here, it's Ohio that holds temptation. Either I am looking through the rose colored glasses of idealism or I've forgotten how to simply live life. At least for the moment. The one thing about me is that I forget that the majority of life is what you make of it, not your physical location. Ok, barring war zones, etc. I do believe this but there are times that I get lapses in judgement and forget. Ohio holds no magic key, although the familiarity is comforting. Comforting, however, does not make a life worthwhile and whole. I'm just saying that the pull is there. My entire life I've moved back and forth between these two states so in my mind, returning to the previous location is always a possibility. You cannot erase 35 years of a pattern. If I would choose to return, my guess is that it wouldn't be long until I wanted to be back here. Yes, I know I'm rambling. No, I don't care. Often I can look back at my posts and see things a little differently and gain insight when I've just let it all flow out like this. Of course, other times I just think... what the fuck???
It's been a week and thus far, no one has tried to break into my car again. This is a good thing. I don't like people touching my stuff. If I offer, it's yours and then some. But don't touch it otherwise. I'd prefer not to booby trap my car (mainly because I'd forget and end up sabotaging myself upon entry) but the idea does hold a certain twisted humor for me. On both counts.
If you are in the mood for a good story to follow, may I suggest going here and reading from the beginning. We're on part 5 but just start at part 1 and enjoy... it will be well worth your time.
That's enough nonsense for today; you've all earned a break. =) Now go play nice. Or at least be creative...
Saturday, February 18, 2006
mama don't let your babies grow up to be crunk fools...
Gasp! Yes, it's me. It's been quite a while since I did a post and I figured I'd use this time to just hit the sounding board. Blogs are great for that. It's like thinking out loud. And, in my case, having a conversation (albeit initially one-sided) because you are new in a city and still have no friends. But that'll come in time, I'm not worried.
I'm living through the bronchitis sans antibiotics. Still not 'well' but much better than before. I've played this respiratory game before and know it takes a long time for me to get back to normal. And no wise-ass remarks on that 'normal' bit, you know what I mean. =)
Here's the update on my pharmacist, Jerry that was suspended; he got fired. Yep, one of my lifelines is gone. How nice. I think it was a shitty thing they did because it was not justified. He's no saint and yes, errors occurred, but it was in no way enough to can him. They didn't like him, period. I was really upset at first but I had this feeling that that would be the outcome. Part of me was accepting it before it was even final. In their minds though, I believe it was final from it's initiating point. We'll see what happens; it's hard to keep up. I can see that it's difficult to know who your friends and enemies are but thankfully, I have a good idea who is calling the shots. I know how to play the game, I've played it many times before. Sometimes I'm glad that I come off as silly; it makes it easier to hide the intelligence, the fact that I am following along alot closer than I am often given credit for - it's like they never see it coming from me and are often caught off guard. Yes, I've played that game, too. I like that one...
Communication has been very kind to me this past week. I've had some wonderful conversations with a far away friend that makes them seem not quite so far away. A day doesn't go by where I don't recognize how fortunate I am to have them in my life. This has been a tiring week and our conversations have been something that really helped me through. Along the same lines, a few weeks ago, I sort of shot up a flare during some confused rambling and someone out there heard it. Not only did they hear it, they acted upon it to a greater extent than I'd ever thought anyone would. I've yet to properly thank them but will tend to that straight away. The fact that they offered assistance to someone who is 'just a name' to them says so much about them. When I lose faith in humans, as has been happening alot lately, these are the kinds of people that remind me that all is not lost. Thank you.
Speaking of things not being lost... apparently I've remembered how to be an incurable flirt over the past week. Kind of a fun thing yet yielding no results... =) I didn't even realize it at first, but when I did, I was like... 'Oh cool, I still know how to do that'! There was one guy I struck up an innocent and brief conversation with (he was having car/battery trouble and was the next car away...) and managed to not flirt in the slightest. Know why? This is what I saw...
I'm living through the bronchitis sans antibiotics. Still not 'well' but much better than before. I've played this respiratory game before and know it takes a long time for me to get back to normal. And no wise-ass remarks on that 'normal' bit, you know what I mean. =)
Here's the update on my pharmacist, Jerry that was suspended; he got fired. Yep, one of my lifelines is gone. How nice. I think it was a shitty thing they did because it was not justified. He's no saint and yes, errors occurred, but it was in no way enough to can him. They didn't like him, period. I was really upset at first but I had this feeling that that would be the outcome. Part of me was accepting it before it was even final. In their minds though, I believe it was final from it's initiating point. We'll see what happens; it's hard to keep up. I can see that it's difficult to know who your friends and enemies are but thankfully, I have a good idea who is calling the shots. I know how to play the game, I've played it many times before. Sometimes I'm glad that I come off as silly; it makes it easier to hide the intelligence, the fact that I am following along alot closer than I am often given credit for - it's like they never see it coming from me and are often caught off guard. Yes, I've played that game, too. I like that one...
Communication has been very kind to me this past week. I've had some wonderful conversations with a far away friend that makes them seem not quite so far away. A day doesn't go by where I don't recognize how fortunate I am to have them in my life. This has been a tiring week and our conversations have been something that really helped me through. Along the same lines, a few weeks ago, I sort of shot up a flare during some confused rambling and someone out there heard it. Not only did they hear it, they acted upon it to a greater extent than I'd ever thought anyone would. I've yet to properly thank them but will tend to that straight away. The fact that they offered assistance to someone who is 'just a name' to them says so much about them. When I lose faith in humans, as has been happening alot lately, these are the kinds of people that remind me that all is not lost. Thank you.
Speaking of things not being lost... apparently I've remembered how to be an incurable flirt over the past week. Kind of a fun thing yet yielding no results... =) I didn't even realize it at first, but when I did, I was like... 'Oh cool, I still know how to do that'! There was one guy I struck up an innocent and brief conversation with (he was having car/battery trouble and was the next car away...) and managed to not flirt in the slightest. Know why? This is what I saw...
Perhaps if he'd spent his money on a new car battery as opposed to the crunk, he'd not have been in such a predicament. I'm pretty sure I didn't up and laugh when he grinned. Pretty sure...
Well, that's all for now, just an update before I'm off to bed. It's already after 4am so I'm looking forward to some decent sleep. Hopefully blogging will resume to a more frequent schedule this coming week. This has been a public service announcement...
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Born of the sea...
...blink, the sea is dead.
Falls out of me these sockets in my head;
Everyone's a captain baby, ship of fools-
Drowning while they're telling you it's been all right.
Don't you know they're lying when they're telling you it's been all right?
Even I tire of the gloom and doom and depressing nature of my thoughts lately; that's one of the reasons I've hesitated with posting. The second is that I have bronchitis and just haven't felt well. That being said, here we go...
After missing work for two days (in fairness to my lungs and respiratory system, it should have been more as I'm still sick) I returned to work to find that one of my pharmacists had been suspended about an hour before I got in. No warning, just suspended. I don't know if there are real grounds or just the fact that several people there don't like him (that's putting it mildly) and magnified things to put the spotlight on him. If he leaves this will kind of fuck with me. My two night pharmacists are the two I've come to bond with and the other has commented that he had another offer to consider. I mean, good for you if you have something better, honestly. At the moment I'm letting myself be selfish about it - this is my blog after all. My point of view. So, since I've taken this job, the faces are changing too rapidly. I would really miss either of them if they were to leave. Something tells me to stay on guard because this isn't the end of it. Lately, I have been thinking that I should contact my former director (the one that just left) and see if her offer still stands. I just don't think I should jump so soon; there is something in that idea that doesn't sit well with me. The way I was raised (well, the old world religious part of it) indicates that you are better if you suffer. Pay your dues and then some. Twice. Then offer more for good measure. Thank goodness that teaching didn't last long but part of it still remains to this day. Anyway, it's kind of sucking at work right now. My occasional bright point is seeing 'Joe' (aka Cute Boy) but that in turn sucks as well... damn that marriage certificate. Oh well, he's a friendly face - I'll take it. It's nice to have someone smile when the see you with no ulterior motive.
So then there's the bronchitis thing - I had this doctor's appointment all set up (for a simple prescription refill) before I got sick and have since learned that the doctor and both of his offices (yes, I had to go to both; and they are not close) are the definition of the word clusterfuck. What an experience. I don't think I'll be going back. Then, for the cherry on top, they screwed up my prescription and I have no antibiotics over the weekend, or at all for that matter. Actually, I'm not even going to get them filled. If worse comes to worst, it'll be cheaper to be admitted to the hospital as an employee than to fill that one prescription. Seriously.
Gee, other than that, let's see... my heating bill is almost half of my rent payment. Nice, eh? And I keep it very cool: on 62F when I'm out and 64/65F when I'm here. Layering is essential. Ok, I splurged; it was 66-68F when I was sick for a couple of days. I'd go back to considering Chez Camry but there have been some new noises there that I'm not quite happy with. Not that I'd be expecting much quality sleep though. Last night I was dreaming of being in a plane crash (not recommended), boats flying through the air overhead, and hiking a mountain up one side (here) and down the other (in France) ill prepared but holding my gear and managing to receive a small box delivered 'overnight' of two pair of socks from mom. En route. On the trail. But when I looked up I could see and identify my destination - Interlochen (Interlaken). Which isn't in France at all, it's in Switzerland. I've been there. Point is, it seemed like it was so far away but once I identified my destination, it seemed to make the trek worthwhile. All of it, even the plane crash. Is that telling me to find my own 'destination'? That perhaps once I do, all these things will fade off into the backdrop and just seem like tiny annoyances by then? Perhaps, but at this time it seems as if all these little things are conspiring to be the end of me; whether physical or mental. Come to think of it, a nice trip to Switzerland may be just what I need... or France, as that's where my brain put the mountain. Told you my brain wasn't reliable. Or it could be the cold medicine.
Think I'll go off and check a few blogs now. Lots to check as I haven't been snooping around in about a week. Hopefully over the weekend I'll catch up. Beer sounds good to accompany the blog reading...hmmm.... I like beer. I like blogs. I lead a simple, simple life...
Falls out of me these sockets in my head;
Everyone's a captain baby, ship of fools-
Drowning while they're telling you it's been all right.
Don't you know they're lying when they're telling you it's been all right?
Even I tire of the gloom and doom and depressing nature of my thoughts lately; that's one of the reasons I've hesitated with posting. The second is that I have bronchitis and just haven't felt well. That being said, here we go...
After missing work for two days (in fairness to my lungs and respiratory system, it should have been more as I'm still sick) I returned to work to find that one of my pharmacists had been suspended about an hour before I got in. No warning, just suspended. I don't know if there are real grounds or just the fact that several people there don't like him (that's putting it mildly) and magnified things to put the spotlight on him. If he leaves this will kind of fuck with me. My two night pharmacists are the two I've come to bond with and the other has commented that he had another offer to consider. I mean, good for you if you have something better, honestly. At the moment I'm letting myself be selfish about it - this is my blog after all. My point of view. So, since I've taken this job, the faces are changing too rapidly. I would really miss either of them if they were to leave. Something tells me to stay on guard because this isn't the end of it. Lately, I have been thinking that I should contact my former director (the one that just left) and see if her offer still stands. I just don't think I should jump so soon; there is something in that idea that doesn't sit well with me. The way I was raised (well, the old world religious part of it) indicates that you are better if you suffer. Pay your dues and then some. Twice. Then offer more for good measure. Thank goodness that teaching didn't last long but part of it still remains to this day. Anyway, it's kind of sucking at work right now. My occasional bright point is seeing 'Joe' (aka Cute Boy) but that in turn sucks as well... damn that marriage certificate. Oh well, he's a friendly face - I'll take it. It's nice to have someone smile when the see you with no ulterior motive.
So then there's the bronchitis thing - I had this doctor's appointment all set up (for a simple prescription refill) before I got sick and have since learned that the doctor and both of his offices (yes, I had to go to both; and they are not close) are the definition of the word clusterfuck. What an experience. I don't think I'll be going back. Then, for the cherry on top, they screwed up my prescription and I have no antibiotics over the weekend, or at all for that matter. Actually, I'm not even going to get them filled. If worse comes to worst, it'll be cheaper to be admitted to the hospital as an employee than to fill that one prescription. Seriously.
Gee, other than that, let's see... my heating bill is almost half of my rent payment. Nice, eh? And I keep it very cool: on 62F when I'm out and 64/65F when I'm here. Layering is essential. Ok, I splurged; it was 66-68F when I was sick for a couple of days. I'd go back to considering Chez Camry but there have been some new noises there that I'm not quite happy with. Not that I'd be expecting much quality sleep though. Last night I was dreaming of being in a plane crash (not recommended), boats flying through the air overhead, and hiking a mountain up one side (here) and down the other (in France) ill prepared but holding my gear and managing to receive a small box delivered 'overnight' of two pair of socks from mom. En route. On the trail. But when I looked up I could see and identify my destination - Interlochen (Interlaken). Which isn't in France at all, it's in Switzerland. I've been there. Point is, it seemed like it was so far away but once I identified my destination, it seemed to make the trek worthwhile. All of it, even the plane crash. Is that telling me to find my own 'destination'? That perhaps once I do, all these things will fade off into the backdrop and just seem like tiny annoyances by then? Perhaps, but at this time it seems as if all these little things are conspiring to be the end of me; whether physical or mental. Come to think of it, a nice trip to Switzerland may be just what I need... or France, as that's where my brain put the mountain. Told you my brain wasn't reliable. Or it could be the cold medicine.
Think I'll go off and check a few blogs now. Lots to check as I haven't been snooping around in about a week. Hopefully over the weekend I'll catch up. Beer sounds good to accompany the blog reading...hmmm.... I like beer. I like blogs. I lead a simple, simple life...
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Twisted Transistor
Within the last week I've been sick in three different manners; my system has been thrown for a loop from stress, most likely. I've had to explain to grown men at work how to piss IN the toilet... not ON it. I got the promotion. My coworker is skating on thin ice because of psychotic outbursts and serious antisocial behavior (impeding her work) and may not be there much longer if it continues. As I said to someone a few days back, this promo may be akin to being elevated to first mate on the Titanic. In addition, serious discussions are in the works about how much longer Benny will be among the living. When I imagine holding life and death in my hands, it is typically that of some human idiot, not a feline one. Additionally, I'm in the process of severing more ties and have nothing yet to replace them. Yay, emptiness and more time to brood. All of these things leave LiVEwiRe in a bit of a tense state of mind. In a way, it's good... it's putting up the buffer again. I'm swinging between being sweet natured with some and drilling the 'don't even think of fucking with me or I'll rip off your arm and beat you with it' look into others. This buffer is called self preservation. It has served me well in the past. Not associated, when I get my hair cut in a couple of weeks, it's going mostly black. There will still be red, but to be honest, if I had the money, I'd get extensions and have almost a red/black striped effect. No such luck; no funding. But it would work better for my headbanging. So, back to the point of this... self preservation. I'm getting a bit of an icy shell because I'm getting pissed at the idiocy I'm encountering everywhere; but it kind of numbs me to it to an extent...
Which brings me to something I wanted to link you to. I'm putting lyrics (of course) and noting the ones that seem to speak to me the most at this moment. I'm giving you a link to visit the band Korn's site.... GO TO IT! This is one of the most visually cunning sites I've seen in quite a while but you have to navigate the site to get it to move... so try it! If you are inclined to watch a funny video spoof, check out their video to this song... none of the 'real' band members are performing in it and it has a lovely cameo by Snoop Dogg. I laughed; alot. The audio for this song is on there as well - it's good to listen to it to put it in context and add a sense of feeling to the lyrics. This song is sort of how I'm being pushed to feel at the moment. Eh, give me another few days and it may change - you know how I am.
"Twisted Transistor"
(Korn)
Hey you, hey you, Devil's little sister
Listening to your Twisted Transistor
Hold it between your legs
Turn it up, turn it up
The wind is coming through
Can't get enough
A lonely life, where no one understands you
But don't give up, because the music do
Music do [x6]
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
Hey you, hey you, finally you get it
The world ain't fair, eat you if you let it
And as your tears fall on
Your breast, your dress
Vibrations coming through
You're in a mess
A lonely life, where no one understands you
But don't give up, because the music do
Music do [x6]
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
Music do [x4]
Hey you, hey you, this won't hurt a bit
This won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt
Says who? Says who?
Anesthetize this bitch
Anesthetize this bitch, anesthetize!
Just let me be
Between you and me don't fit
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
**
Ok, so go to the site... it's very cool. Even if you keep the sound off, it's worth the visit. Click around and see where it takes you.
Off to try to get some sleep now. Sleep should at least make me feel better physically as I can't get to a doctor until Friday. Yeah, good thing I'm not sick or anything. Other than that, all is well. Oh, and I just realized I've been blogging for a year... back to the start here.
Which brings me to something I wanted to link you to. I'm putting lyrics (of course) and noting the ones that seem to speak to me the most at this moment. I'm giving you a link to visit the band Korn's site.... GO TO IT! This is one of the most visually cunning sites I've seen in quite a while but you have to navigate the site to get it to move... so try it! If you are inclined to watch a funny video spoof, check out their video to this song... none of the 'real' band members are performing in it and it has a lovely cameo by Snoop Dogg. I laughed; alot. The audio for this song is on there as well - it's good to listen to it to put it in context and add a sense of feeling to the lyrics. This song is sort of how I'm being pushed to feel at the moment. Eh, give me another few days and it may change - you know how I am.
"Twisted Transistor"
(Korn)
Hey you, hey you, Devil's little sister
Listening to your Twisted Transistor
Hold it between your legs
Turn it up, turn it up
The wind is coming through
Can't get enough
A lonely life, where no one understands you
But don't give up, because the music do
Music do [x6]
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
Hey you, hey you, finally you get it
The world ain't fair, eat you if you let it
And as your tears fall on
Your breast, your dress
Vibrations coming through
You're in a mess
A lonely life, where no one understands you
But don't give up, because the music do
Music do [x6]
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
Music do [x4]
Hey you, hey you, this won't hurt a bit
This won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt
Says who? Says who?
Anesthetize this bitch
Anesthetize this bitch, anesthetize!
Just let me be
Between you and me don't fit
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you forever preaching
Fuck you too
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted Transistor
**
Ok, so go to the site... it's very cool. Even if you keep the sound off, it's worth the visit. Click around and see where it takes you.
Off to try to get some sleep now. Sleep should at least make me feel better physically as I can't get to a doctor until Friday. Yeah, good thing I'm not sick or anything. Other than that, all is well. Oh, and I just realized I've been blogging for a year... back to the start here.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
And the weird beat goes on...
Because the fabulous Banzai Cat asked... I shall answer. (There is a good chance he, or anyone else, will never ask anything of me again after reading this...!)
The Rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.
This is of course assuming I have any weird habits... {ahem}...
1) I believe my fate can be told by holding my breath, not blinking, or spotting a red car. Example: While in traffic, if I can avoid blinking until the light turns green, I won't die that day, or succumb to leprosy, or have my ear fall off. Of course it's never anything good, but hey, it's worked so far...
2) When getting ready to go somewhere, I cannot get ready then sit around. I have no concept of time; therefore, I must do everything I can/need/want to, then (and only then) leave just enough time measured out for me to get ready before walking out the door. If I try to reverse the process I'm messed up for the entire day. This is frustrating to others and has made me perpetually late in the past. The habit remains but I'm better at being prompt.
3) Despite having several deadbolt locks on my doors, when I get out of the shower and dressed, I do a walk through of the house for signs that no one has gotten in while I was in there. I'm not sure what makes me think they are patiently waiting somewhere as opposed to coming to attack me while I'm in the shower.
4) I must always have a supply of spring water with me at all times, close at hand. Home, work, my car - you name it. Even if I am just going to the store, it's there beside me. If I forget it, I pull over at the nearest store and buy a bottle. I cannot fuction without it. I do not live in a desert, but I may as well because I'm convinced I need it. I've been like that for more years than I can recall. On the bright side, I'm well hydrated.
5) Unless I absolutely must, I never use my real name. Not even on my email account. I'm paranoid over the fact that people can find and identify me so easily and have an actual alias that I have used for years. When I can get away with it, I use it.
So there you have it... a few odd habits of yours truly. As if you needed any more ammunition to peg me as 'weird'. Now, as far as tagging.... I think I will.... Besides, Banzai says I have to! =)
And the (hopefully willing) winners are:
Jarvenpa - There must be some quirks in that beautiful writing!
Heidi - Certainly you saw this one coming...
Prisoner - Just because I'd love to get in your head.
Kitty - You knew I'd pick you!
Bean - Simply because you are a nut... =)
Well, thanks for playing... please leave some spare change in the tray as you exit to help fund my next therapy appointment...
The Rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.
This is of course assuming I have any weird habits... {ahem}...
1) I believe my fate can be told by holding my breath, not blinking, or spotting a red car. Example: While in traffic, if I can avoid blinking until the light turns green, I won't die that day, or succumb to leprosy, or have my ear fall off. Of course it's never anything good, but hey, it's worked so far...
2) When getting ready to go somewhere, I cannot get ready then sit around. I have no concept of time; therefore, I must do everything I can/need/want to, then (and only then) leave just enough time measured out for me to get ready before walking out the door. If I try to reverse the process I'm messed up for the entire day. This is frustrating to others and has made me perpetually late in the past. The habit remains but I'm better at being prompt.
3) Despite having several deadbolt locks on my doors, when I get out of the shower and dressed, I do a walk through of the house for signs that no one has gotten in while I was in there. I'm not sure what makes me think they are patiently waiting somewhere as opposed to coming to attack me while I'm in the shower.
4) I must always have a supply of spring water with me at all times, close at hand. Home, work, my car - you name it. Even if I am just going to the store, it's there beside me. If I forget it, I pull over at the nearest store and buy a bottle. I cannot fuction without it. I do not live in a desert, but I may as well because I'm convinced I need it. I've been like that for more years than I can recall. On the bright side, I'm well hydrated.
5) Unless I absolutely must, I never use my real name. Not even on my email account. I'm paranoid over the fact that people can find and identify me so easily and have an actual alias that I have used for years. When I can get away with it, I use it.
So there you have it... a few odd habits of yours truly. As if you needed any more ammunition to peg me as 'weird'. Now, as far as tagging.... I think I will.... Besides, Banzai says I have to! =)
And the (hopefully willing) winners are:
Jarvenpa - There must be some quirks in that beautiful writing!
Heidi - Certainly you saw this one coming...
Prisoner - Just because I'd love to get in your head.
Kitty - You knew I'd pick you!
Bean - Simply because you are a nut... =)
Well, thanks for playing... please leave some spare change in the tray as you exit to help fund my next therapy appointment...
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Bits and pieces
I'm currently working on a tag (yes, it takes me forever) but until then I just had a few thoughts running around in ye olde cranium and thought I'd let them out.
First, I replaced my bed. This makes me happy. Hopefully this one will work out better. The other one apparently had a latent flaw that manifested after I had it for a while as there is nothing I could've done to it to make it lose air. Maybe a seam was bad or something. So this is a good thing.
Yesterday my mom and gram came down to visit for a few hours. I do wish they could've stayed longer but even the short visit was nice. Gram likes the apartment but hates the location where I work. The look on her face was priceless. It's old and very, very crowded; people park on the sidewalks due to a lack of space. For someone that has Lake Erie as her front yard, this is a huge change. She even said that she'd like to come back for another visit sometime soon. She must've been bitten by the traveling bug because today she is up in NY with my mom and aunt gambling. She'll be 85 in April so I say go for it!
Rumor has it that I am moving up in the food chain at work. I don't have all the details yet so I'm hoping it's not directly into a shark's mouth or something. It's a Lead Tech position and is mainly what role I've been assuming thus far but it'll have a little (yes, little) more money with it and a formal title. If I'm doing it anyway might as well make it official. No other news on it yet.
I'm learning that I have a knack for honing in on the guys that are not attainable. Well, I suppose everyone is attainable to an extent, but I mean the kind of unattainable that will get an angry wife yelling and screaming at you. Do you think I hone in on that as a safety measure? I mean, if it goes nowhere, I can't get hurt, right? Damn. Somehow I manage to do this. Or maybe a guy that is married doesn't feel the need to put on airs (I mean really, he's set, why should he?) and I respond to the openness and lack of pretention. Of course then I'm disappointed and slightly bitter but I get over it. I'm just wondering what draws me in that direction? No, I don't act on it but I think I need a better method. I don't go out actively looking for guys so when one catches my eye, it actually is more than just an initial response. Oh well. I just think it's weird.
I promised someone some pictures so I think I'm going to dig out my camera and see if I remember how to use it. First I might want to think about getting a few other things in order but then again, sometimes I suck at prioritizing...lol. Besides, playing with the camera is always fun, so I say we go for that first! Right? Right!
First, I replaced my bed. This makes me happy. Hopefully this one will work out better. The other one apparently had a latent flaw that manifested after I had it for a while as there is nothing I could've done to it to make it lose air. Maybe a seam was bad or something. So this is a good thing.
Yesterday my mom and gram came down to visit for a few hours. I do wish they could've stayed longer but even the short visit was nice. Gram likes the apartment but hates the location where I work. The look on her face was priceless. It's old and very, very crowded; people park on the sidewalks due to a lack of space. For someone that has Lake Erie as her front yard, this is a huge change. She even said that she'd like to come back for another visit sometime soon. She must've been bitten by the traveling bug because today she is up in NY with my mom and aunt gambling. She'll be 85 in April so I say go for it!
Rumor has it that I am moving up in the food chain at work. I don't have all the details yet so I'm hoping it's not directly into a shark's mouth or something. It's a Lead Tech position and is mainly what role I've been assuming thus far but it'll have a little (yes, little) more money with it and a formal title. If I'm doing it anyway might as well make it official. No other news on it yet.
I'm learning that I have a knack for honing in on the guys that are not attainable. Well, I suppose everyone is attainable to an extent, but I mean the kind of unattainable that will get an angry wife yelling and screaming at you. Do you think I hone in on that as a safety measure? I mean, if it goes nowhere, I can't get hurt, right? Damn. Somehow I manage to do this. Or maybe a guy that is married doesn't feel the need to put on airs (I mean really, he's set, why should he?) and I respond to the openness and lack of pretention. Of course then I'm disappointed and slightly bitter but I get over it. I'm just wondering what draws me in that direction? No, I don't act on it but I think I need a better method. I don't go out actively looking for guys so when one catches my eye, it actually is more than just an initial response. Oh well. I just think it's weird.
I promised someone some pictures so I think I'm going to dig out my camera and see if I remember how to use it. First I might want to think about getting a few other things in order but then again, sometimes I suck at prioritizing...lol. Besides, playing with the camera is always fun, so I say we go for that first! Right? Right!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
This is my cue to laugh, right?
So yesterday I reinflated my bed, which I do every 2-3 days or so. When I came home and eventually went to sleep, it seemed way softer than what I recalled, so I filled it again. This morning I woke up halfway on the ground. Ok, this is not good. Nor is it comfortable... I feel like I slept all wadded up in a box. I must solve this problem before my spine summons rebel forces. This folks, is me not pleased.
However, I got an email from my mother this morning that, well, let's just say I'm glad I peed before I read it. Here is the email:
However, I got an email from my mother this morning that, well, let's just say I'm glad I peed before I read it. Here is the email:
- It's positively time for a new phone when... You dial the cable company and the voice answering says - 'hi, let's have some fun'.
The buttons on her phone don't want to work properly and somehow she got some phone sex line. (I wondered if it was just another service offered by our cable monopoly known as Comcast.) Now, to get the significance, you'd have to know my mother. She is by no means puritanical but things like that really throw her. For years, I'd never say 'fuck' in front of her. When it finally slipped out, you'd have thought that my speech patterns were the reason for the impending downfall of civilization as we know it. Had she been religious, she no doubt would have blessed herself and grabbed the rosary praying for the soul of her only child. (She tells me she thinks I'm 'above' that. Yeah ma, think again.) Yeah, well, she's not like that but she is the most expressive and animated person I've ever known. Her reactions are almost cartoon-like. I tell her that I often see her eyebrows hovering over her head, not on it, just like in cartoons. I would have loved to have been there when that call connected just to see the look on her face. Of course now I told her I'd like to scan her phone bill for other 900#s... =)
Ok, off to solve the mystery of the deflating bed. If only Shaggy and Scooby were here...
And I haven't forgotten about my tag Mr. Cat... hopefully tomorrow! =)
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Born under a bad sign?
I'm writing this then going back to hide in bed. Couple of things on my mind so I figured I'd try to pull them out amid the general chaos and try to purge them from my brain. First, does anyone know anything about astrology? Was I born under a bad sign? It would be much easier to deal with that than to think life is sucking right now because 'it just does'. Or Allah wills it. Or God says you are never given more than you can handle. If 'God' would take a closer look it would be clear that I'm not handling it so well. Please, just tell me it's planetary alignment or something.
Ok, I threw a complete fit at work Friday complete with numerous expletives, flying objects and thinly veiled threats. I am not a babysitter. Although it is 'unspoken law' that I'm the go-to person on my shift (per the pharmacists), I still need some fucking cooperation. One month, that's as long as I've been there. I've decided to go in and just keep my mouth shut and attempt to do it all myself. That way I don't have to babysit, nor do I have to be disappointed by others. Will I fail with this method? Most likely. Right now, I don't care.
Remember Benny, my semi-evil cat? Well, he's still at it and wreaking havoc at my mothers' house with her cats. He's on drugs and we've used a pheromone diffuser to calm him and it's just not working. When he attacks, his former leukemia symptoms come back. So, which came first? Did the flare up in symptoms reestablish inflammation in the brain causing the aggressive behavior or does a bout of aggression bring on the inflammatory response. We've consulted a behavioralist and it isn't looking good. My next trip back to Ohio may be for his euthanasia. I feel so damned helpless.
My nerves are frazzled to the point where I can't eat. If I manage to choke something down past the nausea, I still feel sick for hours. If I don't eat at all, well, obviously I feel like shit, but then the acid reflux takes over and my stomach kills me and furnishes even more nausea. It's like a lose/lose situation.
Which brings me to the next topic of my doctor's office being a bunch of incompetent oafs. They will not help me with records because I've crossed the state line... seriously. So now I have to hurry (before my prescription for my stomach runs out - not that it's doing a world of good) and find a doctor here that I have to actually ask to falsify records because they won't help me. Fuckers.
And because I'm being reminded of being alone and somewhat lonely right now, advertising for Valentine's Day is pumping full force. Thanks. Add some salt to the wound, why don't you?
I'm going back to hide.
Ok, I threw a complete fit at work Friday complete with numerous expletives, flying objects and thinly veiled threats. I am not a babysitter. Although it is 'unspoken law' that I'm the go-to person on my shift (per the pharmacists), I still need some fucking cooperation. One month, that's as long as I've been there. I've decided to go in and just keep my mouth shut and attempt to do it all myself. That way I don't have to babysit, nor do I have to be disappointed by others. Will I fail with this method? Most likely. Right now, I don't care.
Remember Benny, my semi-evil cat? Well, he's still at it and wreaking havoc at my mothers' house with her cats. He's on drugs and we've used a pheromone diffuser to calm him and it's just not working. When he attacks, his former leukemia symptoms come back. So, which came first? Did the flare up in symptoms reestablish inflammation in the brain causing the aggressive behavior or does a bout of aggression bring on the inflammatory response. We've consulted a behavioralist and it isn't looking good. My next trip back to Ohio may be for his euthanasia. I feel so damned helpless.
My nerves are frazzled to the point where I can't eat. If I manage to choke something down past the nausea, I still feel sick for hours. If I don't eat at all, well, obviously I feel like shit, but then the acid reflux takes over and my stomach kills me and furnishes even more nausea. It's like a lose/lose situation.
Which brings me to the next topic of my doctor's office being a bunch of incompetent oafs. They will not help me with records because I've crossed the state line... seriously. So now I have to hurry (before my prescription for my stomach runs out - not that it's doing a world of good) and find a doctor here that I have to actually ask to falsify records because they won't help me. Fuckers.
And because I'm being reminded of being alone and somewhat lonely right now, advertising for Valentine's Day is pumping full force. Thanks. Add some salt to the wound, why don't you?
I'm going back to hide.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Sunday, January 15, 2006
The new 'audio' slave?...
Ah, there. I've switched to text format in case the audio was not your thing. Hell, I don't know if it's MY thing yet, I still have to record it...lol. Figured I'd just slip this part in once the audio portion is complete, but I promised myself I'd be brief. (No really, I mean it...)
My quick trip home was good but much too brief. And it left me filled with alot of confusion, which I figure is somewhat normal. I sort of feel in a way like I don't belong in either place. When I saw the lake, I started to cry. That was like my rock, ya know? I can't tell you how many times I sat there and contemplated, laughed, cried, thought, sat with friends, all of it. I really miss it. Got to see my family and yes, I missed them, too. Leaving was hard emotionally not to mention that I had to pee 5 times on a three hour trip. That was just ridiculous. I'm having a serious talk with my bladder - this is just not acceptable. One should not have to be catheterized for a trip of that length!
Enough for now. I have to pee...
My quick trip home was good but much too brief. And it left me filled with alot of confusion, which I figure is somewhat normal. I sort of feel in a way like I don't belong in either place. When I saw the lake, I started to cry. That was like my rock, ya know? I can't tell you how many times I sat there and contemplated, laughed, cried, thought, sat with friends, all of it. I really miss it. Got to see my family and yes, I missed them, too. Leaving was hard emotionally not to mention that I had to pee 5 times on a three hour trip. That was just ridiculous. I'm having a serious talk with my bladder - this is just not acceptable. One should not have to be catheterized for a trip of that length!
Enough for now. I have to pee...
Saturday, January 14, 2006
I think I might scream
I was going to do a little audio post just for shits and giggles and leave that for the weekend but that is not happening. I got the idea from Heidi and had considered it in the past but her's made me want to do one. A friend of mine told me there was no way that I should do it but that was for reasons that I won't go into...lol. Besides, today is not a good day for an audio post... you'd just hear me say 'fuck' alot. Not as if that doesn't happen in print, but you get the idea.
In about 6 hours I'll be getting up and driving back to Ohio for an overnight visit. Part of me is excited, part of me is scared. Just not sure what my brain will make of it all and so there's a bit of apprehension. Of course, I'll make the best of it no matter what. Besides, I still haven't given them their Christmas gifts so I know they'll be glad to see me! =) A warm reception is guaranteed...lol.
This is the part where wanting to scream comes in. The changes at work are continuing and it's hard to keep up. I also just witnessed an understandable yet childish display that resulted in me grabbing everything, for every floor of the hospital and going out to do it on my own. I was not about to wait around for whatever was unfolding. It's usually wise for me to just GO when I feel the urge to say something utterly nasty that I can't take back and that may end up in an ugly scene. So, that's what I did. My pharmacist tonight may have seen my actions as hot-headed, and in a way, I suppose they were, but it was all just to avoid a potentially bigger problem. At the end of the night, the other two left and as I was headed out the door he kind of motioned for me to wait, asking me if I was ok. Of course I said I was fine but didn't hide what I really felt with the tone of my voice, I just said the words. He tried to make me feel better but I came this close to saying, 'No, Jerry... I fucking left everything I had for this job. My everything may not be much to you, or anyone else, but it was all I had; and now I'm wondering if I was a fool. So no, no it's not ok. And pardon me if I get cranky when other people I work with literally stand there and say 'they aren't going anywhere with the other co-worker'. If I wanted to work in child care, I would have; or a three ring circus for that matter. So no, right now it is pretty far fucking off from ok.' But he's too nice and I would have been taking out my anger toward other things on him and that isn't fair to do when someone is trying to help you. Especially one of your bosses. Part of it is me being edgy and dealing with PMS but the majority of it is just that there are so many changes going on there and a certain lack of organization. Add into that one person who has a high language barrier, one who has been fired repeatedly for being mouthy, and me... who is caught in this riptide on the job and in her head. I'm so frustrated right now that I'm actually at a loss for what to do. I mean even temporarily; how to make it better until I decide if these are just growing pains, so to speak. So yeah, screaming feels like a really good option.
That would be the main reason for no audio post; but I haven't fully decide if I want to inflict myself upon you aurally as well as in text form. That might be pushing the limits of how much of me you can handle. =)
So, I'm off for the weekend, and I'll catch up when I get back. I've got about 2 hours of prep work to do and then I can sleep... so maybe I'll get 3 or 4 hours in the end! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
In about 6 hours I'll be getting up and driving back to Ohio for an overnight visit. Part of me is excited, part of me is scared. Just not sure what my brain will make of it all and so there's a bit of apprehension. Of course, I'll make the best of it no matter what. Besides, I still haven't given them their Christmas gifts so I know they'll be glad to see me! =) A warm reception is guaranteed...lol.
This is the part where wanting to scream comes in. The changes at work are continuing and it's hard to keep up. I also just witnessed an understandable yet childish display that resulted in me grabbing everything, for every floor of the hospital and going out to do it on my own. I was not about to wait around for whatever was unfolding. It's usually wise for me to just GO when I feel the urge to say something utterly nasty that I can't take back and that may end up in an ugly scene. So, that's what I did. My pharmacist tonight may have seen my actions as hot-headed, and in a way, I suppose they were, but it was all just to avoid a potentially bigger problem. At the end of the night, the other two left and as I was headed out the door he kind of motioned for me to wait, asking me if I was ok. Of course I said I was fine but didn't hide what I really felt with the tone of my voice, I just said the words. He tried to make me feel better but I came this close to saying, 'No, Jerry... I fucking left everything I had for this job. My everything may not be much to you, or anyone else, but it was all I had; and now I'm wondering if I was a fool. So no, no it's not ok. And pardon me if I get cranky when other people I work with literally stand there and say 'they aren't going anywhere with the other co-worker'. If I wanted to work in child care, I would have; or a three ring circus for that matter. So no, right now it is pretty far fucking off from ok.' But he's too nice and I would have been taking out my anger toward other things on him and that isn't fair to do when someone is trying to help you. Especially one of your bosses. Part of it is me being edgy and dealing with PMS but the majority of it is just that there are so many changes going on there and a certain lack of organization. Add into that one person who has a high language barrier, one who has been fired repeatedly for being mouthy, and me... who is caught in this riptide on the job and in her head. I'm so frustrated right now that I'm actually at a loss for what to do. I mean even temporarily; how to make it better until I decide if these are just growing pains, so to speak. So yeah, screaming feels like a really good option.
That would be the main reason for no audio post; but I haven't fully decide if I want to inflict myself upon you aurally as well as in text form. That might be pushing the limits of how much of me you can handle. =)
So, I'm off for the weekend, and I'll catch up when I get back. I've got about 2 hours of prep work to do and then I can sleep... so maybe I'll get 3 or 4 hours in the end! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
The Adventures of Stabby-Man
Before we get right into the aforementioned tale, I'm going to give you a quick update. I'm going home this weekend and of course I'm excited yet hope I hold up well when it's time to leave. No triggering of any sort of episode permitted; got that brain?! Last night I learned that one girl is leaving, and that the one I work with (of our little night shift trio) will most likely be moving up to a day shift. Piss. I came damn close to using my little keychain adornment on my other coworker who is just too damned bossy. If he yanks one more thing out of my hands while I'm working, I might just take the quick way, save a few steps and bitch-slap him. Nice guy (truly) but he makes the word 'overzealous' look like a synonym for 'lazy'. He doesn't stop to use courtesy sometimes and when you try to explain it, he just keeps talking louder and faster. Oy. And I managed to go on to my female coworker about this guy that called that had quite the sexy voice... only to learn that it was the other pharmacist I work with! Lol... I know right now that I'm never living this down! Ever!
So, on to the adventures of Stabby-Man....
As we all know, my mind works in peculiar ways and I have a very active imagination in an odd sense, sometimes. So it's garbage night and I drag the huge can off the deck and down the steps, maybe 6 or 7 of them and rest it at the bottom. Meaning to get my shit in gear earlier did nothing and I ended up getting the stuff from in the house after dark and went out on the deck to have a cigarette then planned on taking out the trash. There I was on the deck, just me, my cigarette and the small bag of trash yet to be stuffed into the big can. So I see this little kitty come sauntering over next door and just sit by the garage, bright eyes reflecting and blinking. Yes, I was talking to it. No matter how much I asked, it never revealed it's name. Then I saw movement in the alley and as I looked up to see a person walking, he looked up and saw me. We exchanged a 'hi' and that was it. I was thinking he thought I was a crazy lady as he couldn't see the cat from where he was. Anyway, he walks down three houses, gets just out of sight then turns and comes back. Chicken me turns tail and goes back in the house. After all, he may have decided to eradicate all the mentally unstable people talking to themselves on their decks and chose me as his first victim. In reality, he may have forgotten something back where he came from... but not in my mind. I knew he was coming for me. I waited about another hour and a half, went out on the deck for a 'cigarette' although it was to actually see if the coast was clear. Seemed fine, but part way through my cigarette, I remembered that the passage under my deck is open and I was certain he was hiding under my deck. What would I do? If I went down to take the can out, he could tackle me then come in and steal all my fineries (lol...fineries). Then, as I stood there, getting ready to put out the cigarette, I knew his plan!!! He was under my deck with a very large, sharp knife preparing to stab at my feet between the boards! Bastard!!! Of course, I finished my cigarette standing ONLY on the boards. On the way in, I realized he could also have grabbed at my ankles through the backs of the steps as they are open, letting gravity smash me to the ground, then steal all of my fineries. I decided I could live with trash on my deck and risk critters scattering it. Decision made... stabby-man could sit under there all he wanted; I was not going out. Ha. Famous last words. Quick history: my mother gave me her vacuum (an extra) so that I didn't have to buy one and said the bag was almost new and I shouldn't have to change it for quite a while. Considering I don't have that much space to vacuum, I never bothered to check yet. I found that 10pm was a fine time to vacuum and within minutes smelled an awful burning odor. Seems that mom was wrong... the bag was filled twice as far as it should have been and fuzz was clogging the intake line. Great. Changed the bag, swore alot, vacuum is fine, house stunk like burnt ass or something... which meant... come on, say it with me... I had to go back outside with the stinky vacuum bag. Sonofabitch! At this time I toyed with several ideas. 1) Do I lock my door while I drag it out (it's only about 50-60 feet, mind you, but there is a gate involved and it was dark) so that he doesn't get IN my house? Downside? It would take me too long to unlock it and get in if he was stabbing at my feet through the boards on the deck. 2) Do I leave the door unlocked? Which means I could get in quickly and escape the blades of stabby-man. Downside? He could be in there waiting for me. Finally I just said fuck it, took my keychain =), and cringed at the thought of intensive foot lacerations and took everything out. Of course, by the time I came in I had scared myself silly but I can probably thank all of those people who tell me I live in such a bad area.
And so concludes the tale of Stabby-Man. Some people (ok, fine.... some kids) have the BoogeyMan.... I've got Stabby-Man. He might have been there under my deck all night, just waiting but he was gone by the light of the next morning. Or maybe he just turned around to retrieve something he forgot when walking to his destination. Suppose I'll never know, will I? Sometimes it sucks to have an active imagination.
So, on to the adventures of Stabby-Man....
As we all know, my mind works in peculiar ways and I have a very active imagination in an odd sense, sometimes. So it's garbage night and I drag the huge can off the deck and down the steps, maybe 6 or 7 of them and rest it at the bottom. Meaning to get my shit in gear earlier did nothing and I ended up getting the stuff from in the house after dark and went out on the deck to have a cigarette then planned on taking out the trash. There I was on the deck, just me, my cigarette and the small bag of trash yet to be stuffed into the big can. So I see this little kitty come sauntering over next door and just sit by the garage, bright eyes reflecting and blinking. Yes, I was talking to it. No matter how much I asked, it never revealed it's name. Then I saw movement in the alley and as I looked up to see a person walking, he looked up and saw me. We exchanged a 'hi' and that was it. I was thinking he thought I was a crazy lady as he couldn't see the cat from where he was. Anyway, he walks down three houses, gets just out of sight then turns and comes back. Chicken me turns tail and goes back in the house. After all, he may have decided to eradicate all the mentally unstable people talking to themselves on their decks and chose me as his first victim. In reality, he may have forgotten something back where he came from... but not in my mind. I knew he was coming for me. I waited about another hour and a half, went out on the deck for a 'cigarette' although it was to actually see if the coast was clear. Seemed fine, but part way through my cigarette, I remembered that the passage under my deck is open and I was certain he was hiding under my deck. What would I do? If I went down to take the can out, he could tackle me then come in and steal all my fineries (lol...fineries). Then, as I stood there, getting ready to put out the cigarette, I knew his plan!!! He was under my deck with a very large, sharp knife preparing to stab at my feet between the boards! Bastard!!! Of course, I finished my cigarette standing ONLY on the boards. On the way in, I realized he could also have grabbed at my ankles through the backs of the steps as they are open, letting gravity smash me to the ground, then steal all of my fineries. I decided I could live with trash on my deck and risk critters scattering it. Decision made... stabby-man could sit under there all he wanted; I was not going out. Ha. Famous last words. Quick history: my mother gave me her vacuum (an extra) so that I didn't have to buy one and said the bag was almost new and I shouldn't have to change it for quite a while. Considering I don't have that much space to vacuum, I never bothered to check yet. I found that 10pm was a fine time to vacuum and within minutes smelled an awful burning odor. Seems that mom was wrong... the bag was filled twice as far as it should have been and fuzz was clogging the intake line. Great. Changed the bag, swore alot, vacuum is fine, house stunk like burnt ass or something... which meant... come on, say it with me... I had to go back outside with the stinky vacuum bag. Sonofabitch! At this time I toyed with several ideas. 1) Do I lock my door while I drag it out (it's only about 50-60 feet, mind you, but there is a gate involved and it was dark) so that he doesn't get IN my house? Downside? It would take me too long to unlock it and get in if he was stabbing at my feet through the boards on the deck. 2) Do I leave the door unlocked? Which means I could get in quickly and escape the blades of stabby-man. Downside? He could be in there waiting for me. Finally I just said fuck it, took my keychain =), and cringed at the thought of intensive foot lacerations and took everything out. Of course, by the time I came in I had scared myself silly but I can probably thank all of those people who tell me I live in such a bad area.
And so concludes the tale of Stabby-Man. Some people (ok, fine.... some kids) have the BoogeyMan.... I've got Stabby-Man. He might have been there under my deck all night, just waiting but he was gone by the light of the next morning. Or maybe he just turned around to retrieve something he forgot when walking to his destination. Suppose I'll never know, will I? Sometimes it sucks to have an active imagination.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Be Afraid... (or not)
This post is for Terri who finds amusement in the thought of me terrorizing the little thuglets in my neighborhood with my oh-so-sunny demeanor. Wheee! And I should add Anne in here, who now thinks I beat people with their own arm... wonder where she came up with that? =)
So here's LiVEwiRe's little helper...
So here's LiVEwiRe's little helper...
This picture shows how versatile it is. Two spikes to the eyes or even throat (or...well, use your imagination...). If you get a better grip they stick out about another inch. A nice crack to the temple with the semi-blunt end (which should always be pointing out from your pinky finger; it lets you gain momentum on the downstrike) is effective. This thing is 5.5 inches long and is heavy as hell as it is made of solid steel.
So that is part of my assurance. It is completely and utterly illegal yet I've had it for 14 years. The police in Ohio have seen it on a couple of occasions yet not one comment was made.
What's that you ask? Have I used it? Come a little closer and I'll tell you... {wink}
Thursday, January 05, 2006
And so it goes...
You know how 'they' say life works in strange ways...? Well, I've got one for ya.
Today I go to work and get pulled into the Director's office with the other two new hires. Not worried, just figuring we were going to get an update of sorts. Did we ever. Our Director is leaving at the end of the month. And where is she going, you ask? (Maybe you didn't ask, but come on, play along.) Alright, I'll tell you.
She's going to fucking Allegheny General Hospital!!! Where they had the leeches. The first place I interviewed and turned them down! Well fuck me running.... this is just a bit odd. And slightly awkward...
She said she was not above 'recruiting' techs if it would work well. That's when I told her that I had interviewed there and she had asked what happened. I told her that I turned them down to work for her here. I swear I never meant for it to affect her like that, but she just looked so guilty and apologetic. I was simply seeing the irony. Oops.
We will have a new director soon, as in any situation, they could be nice or they could make Atilla the Hun look cheery. I have to ask if my hours/shift will be secure and if the offer to apply for the night head tech is still available. And will that hold true once the new director arrives. Remember, I moved out of state for this... I think I could use some sort of reassurance.
I'm not even going to play here, yes I care about my coworkers but I care about me more damn it. I'm trying to get things calm then this happens and I once again feel on shaky ground. This is not about me, it's about my Director make a change for the better in her life. And while I wish her all the best (she is truly a sweetheart) I need to know how this will effect me. With the episode at hand, I'm not in the mood to mince words and just wait it out. Either tomorrow or Friday I'll be asking her my questions. I'll just tell her that I need reassurance of the written kind in my file.
Part of me is seeing a bit of humor in this. Maybe not so much humor as nervous laughter attached to a potential time bomb. I'm not going to walk in swinging... that wouldn't get me anywhere and it's not how it deserves to be approached. This is her good news and I'm truly happy for her. I just refuse to bend over and grab my ankles in the process.
Does my approach make sense?
Today I go to work and get pulled into the Director's office with the other two new hires. Not worried, just figuring we were going to get an update of sorts. Did we ever. Our Director is leaving at the end of the month. And where is she going, you ask? (Maybe you didn't ask, but come on, play along.) Alright, I'll tell you.
She's going to fucking Allegheny General Hospital!!! Where they had the leeches. The first place I interviewed and turned them down! Well fuck me running.... this is just a bit odd. And slightly awkward...
She said she was not above 'recruiting' techs if it would work well. That's when I told her that I had interviewed there and she had asked what happened. I told her that I turned them down to work for her here. I swear I never meant for it to affect her like that, but she just looked so guilty and apologetic. I was simply seeing the irony. Oops.
We will have a new director soon, as in any situation, they could be nice or they could make Atilla the Hun look cheery. I have to ask if my hours/shift will be secure and if the offer to apply for the night head tech is still available. And will that hold true once the new director arrives. Remember, I moved out of state for this... I think I could use some sort of reassurance.
I'm not even going to play here, yes I care about my coworkers but I care about me more damn it. I'm trying to get things calm then this happens and I once again feel on shaky ground. This is not about me, it's about my Director make a change for the better in her life. And while I wish her all the best (she is truly a sweetheart) I need to know how this will effect me. With the episode at hand, I'm not in the mood to mince words and just wait it out. Either tomorrow or Friday I'll be asking her my questions. I'll just tell her that I need reassurance of the written kind in my file.
Part of me is seeing a bit of humor in this. Maybe not so much humor as nervous laughter attached to a potential time bomb. I'm not going to walk in swinging... that wouldn't get me anywhere and it's not how it deserves to be approached. This is her good news and I'm truly happy for her. I just refuse to bend over and grab my ankles in the process.
Does my approach make sense?
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Implosion of the folk variety
The rumors are all true... I am still among the living; much to the dismay of some. Meh, whatever. So here's a quick update...
- The sun will apparently never shine in this region of the country (former digs included) for more than 3 hours within any given 4 day stretch. Help me.
- I've learned that shopping for kids (relatives) toys is absolutely mindboggling. Too many choices and they all cost too much. I sometimes get them books (oh, evil me) which they actually love... I just worry that their hillbilly parents may not be able to keep up with the escalating reading level. After all, the oldest of the two boys will be 4 in May...
- The gas leak in my car seems to be more pronounced based on my fume-o-meter readings alone. Imagine that... it's not reversing. Odd.
- My heater now sounds like someone is riding a dirtbike in little circles in the basement; until I hear the big SLAM when it shuts off! Then I'm assuming they've just hit the wall. Dumbass gets up and does it repeatedly, too. Oh how I love when I get visuals that I can't shake.
- Everyone is scaring me when I tell them where I live. Needless to say, the curtains have only been open once or twice for an average of 34 minutes. Well, plus it's been cold and heating costs are insane. Doesn't matter any way as there's almost no sun to be had. I would really like winter to be over.
- Oooh, here's a fun one. I've got some sort of new allergy! Yippee. Sneezing violently more than a dozen times in a row tells me something very, very important. Know what that is? That I better pee every chance I get or there could be an awkward situation at hand. Or down my leg.
- I bought Once Upon a Time in Mexico on DVD... need I say more?
- I'm missing a particular friend and it's absolutely killing me. In one way, that reminds me not to become too attached to anyone. They've been so busy, which I completely understand; at this moment, I'm just talking about where my head is at and the end result.
- Ok, last little goofy thing, I swear. Then we move on to the BIG goofy things... Kidding. My remote start for my car has finally reached it's last run here in Camryville. I have to get about 10 feet from my car in order for it to work. Ok, so is there a point to that? Will my car really warm up within the few seconds it takes me to get to the door? Hey, at least I have a door handle.
Those were just the goofy things in my head I had to dump out. As far as the opposing poles in my brain, well, it's getting better but I'm not there yet. At times, I feel like I've improved about 50%, then it goes back to only 30%; always taunting and teasing - and not in a good way. One of the biggest problems is that I keep getting stuck between the 'then' and 'now'. Things I see, yes, but mainly things I hear. It throws me back 14 years and I find myself backed into a wall; for a moment, it's like an odd time warp... what year is it really? Yeah, that's good for the ol' panic receptors in the brain. It'll just take a while for this phase to get worked through then I can deal with things normally. Which I may suck at equally, but at least I'd know it's me and not the influx of neurotransmitters. =)
But even on the crummy idea that things I hear are triggering mild panic... I woke up today to one of the best songs I've ever heard. It must be 10 years old but since I never hear it, it might as well be brand new. Yes, I'm giving you two links... both play a different clip. To me, it has a very laid back, sultry, sexy sound. The band is Folk Implosion and the song is Natural One... go find it on the sample lists. I immediately took a liking to this song years ago and it's special because I never hear it, they are 25 second clips... go for it, both are very different parts of the same song.
I'll be back soon enough but struggling with ye' olde mental demons has been, uh, well - a real struggle =) Kind of saps any energy. Hope things are fabulous for all of you.
(Oh, and Nomad... I'm not backing down on this 'request'...lol!)
Friday, December 30, 2005
Still among the living...
... I'd say that's a good start.
Yes, I'm still struggling but it's about 30% better than it was at it's worst point. I appreciate everyone's comments, thoughts, and emails. Yes, it's been really tough (that actually doesn't even begin to cover it) but barring any unforeseen circumstances, I'll make it through. Heh - and this IS me on meds...lol.
Job update: I think I like my two night pharmacists. They have something fun about them and it fits in with what I like to be around and what I am like (er, mostly). Having a bit of training which should wrap up tomorrow. It's not ongoing; it's the I'll-show-you-once variety but that's ok. Still looking, or should I say listening, for my Nigerian and South African doctors. There has to be at least ONE for God's sake... remember my Nigerian Pulmonologist from the other hospital? *sigh*
Lots for me to accomplish in the next few days and I need to get my head on straight so I may be visiting sporadically.
My wish for you all: May you end 2005 on a bright note and may 2006 bring you all that you hold dear.
Yes, I'm still struggling but it's about 30% better than it was at it's worst point. I appreciate everyone's comments, thoughts, and emails. Yes, it's been really tough (that actually doesn't even begin to cover it) but barring any unforeseen circumstances, I'll make it through. Heh - and this IS me on meds...lol.
Job update: I think I like my two night pharmacists. They have something fun about them and it fits in with what I like to be around and what I am like (er, mostly). Having a bit of training which should wrap up tomorrow. It's not ongoing; it's the I'll-show-you-once variety but that's ok. Still looking, or should I say listening, for my Nigerian and South African doctors. There has to be at least ONE for God's sake... remember my Nigerian Pulmonologist from the other hospital? *sigh*
Lots for me to accomplish in the next few days and I need to get my head on straight so I may be visiting sporadically.
My wish for you all: May you end 2005 on a bright note and may 2006 bring you all that you hold dear.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Duality (A sort of follow up)
This post may appear extremely long, but the content is limited. I'm still struggling and trying to work through this but I thought of something I can do to give an example of what I'm feeling through some music and lyrics (for those of you that are unfamiliar with what a bipolar mixed episode feels like). Combine this with my last post - it's the best I can do.
This one covers the mania, panic, confusion... it's called Duality (how fitting). I could not find the audio version in it's entirety but a video instead. Change the player settings if you need to but be warned... the band wears horrendous masks so I'll put the lyrics first then you can go to the link. It's worth it to hear and read it together. I'm not a big fan but this one, I like. Just don't say I didn't warn you.
Duality
Slipknot
I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!
I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
Uplifting, eh? Ok, here's the link so you can listen and see... go...
So the next part is the sorrow and loss feelings thanks to the depression end of it. There is only one song that I can think of that can absolutely bring me to my knees; partially because of the deep sorrow and partially because of the hope entwined in it. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the song in it's entirety, just a short sample. If you heard the whole thing, you'd understand. I'm adding a link to the band because they are fabulous, have an excellent sound with an interesting middle eastern flair and his voice is incredibly unique. Again, read the lyrics... this one is much easier on the ears (and eyes if you go to their site).
The Messenger
The Tea Party
Got a letter from a messenger
I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded
You were bound and chained
You had loved and you were handled
You were poisoned, you were pained
Oh no Oh no
You were naked, you were shamed
You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there's so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no Oh no
Not expecting to collide
For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no there's no need to be without
If there's a chance I would take it
This desire I can't kill
Take my heart please don't break it
I will crawl to your foothill
I'm frightened but I'm coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill
Just scroll down to the sample section, it's number 6; and here is the band's site. They have an exquisite site and samples play from the time you connect.
I hope you enjoy the Tea Party track but both give you an idea of what is going on in my head at the same time, fighting for the same space and devouring my neurotransmitters like Pez. Duality says it all.
This one covers the mania, panic, confusion... it's called Duality (how fitting). I could not find the audio version in it's entirety but a video instead. Change the player settings if you need to but be warned... the band wears horrendous masks so I'll put the lyrics first then you can go to the link. It's worth it to hear and read it together. I'm not a big fan but this one, I like. Just don't say I didn't warn you.
Duality
Slipknot
I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!
I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
Uplifting, eh? Ok, here's the link so you can listen and see... go...
So the next part is the sorrow and loss feelings thanks to the depression end of it. There is only one song that I can think of that can absolutely bring me to my knees; partially because of the deep sorrow and partially because of the hope entwined in it. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the song in it's entirety, just a short sample. If you heard the whole thing, you'd understand. I'm adding a link to the band because they are fabulous, have an excellent sound with an interesting middle eastern flair and his voice is incredibly unique. Again, read the lyrics... this one is much easier on the ears (and eyes if you go to their site).
The Messenger
The Tea Party
Got a letter from a messenger
I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded
You were bound and chained
You had loved and you were handled
You were poisoned, you were pained
Oh no Oh no
You were naked, you were shamed
You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there's so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no Oh no
Not expecting to collide
For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no there's no need to be without
If there's a chance I would take it
This desire I can't kill
Take my heart please don't break it
I will crawl to your foothill
I'm frightened but I'm coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill
Just scroll down to the sample section, it's number 6; and here is the band's site. They have an exquisite site and samples play from the time you connect.
I hope you enjoy the Tea Party track but both give you an idea of what is going on in my head at the same time, fighting for the same space and devouring my neurotransmitters like Pez. Duality says it all.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Stranger in a Strange Land
Well folks, LiVEwiRe is not in a good place. Being the holidays and all, I'm putting this little disclaimer right here at the top so that you may choose whether or not to read any further. As I've said at times, this isn't going to be pretty...
First, I'll say that I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I do know that I need an outlet and this is my chosen method. Perhaps this is all the result of a mixed episode but that makes it no less real. When I was heading into this move it all came about so fast and started to push me into a manic phase. Christ, I'm so out of sorts that my hands are shaking to the point of making typing nearly impossible. So, yeah, it was pretty much hypomania but noticeable nonetheless. Then I was concentrating on getting the house in order and just making it to the first day of work while keeping my wits about me. The past two days have been increasingly unsettling and it continues to escalate. There is a nasty, vile, potentially harmful combination of mania and depression crushing me, taunting me, and there is nothing else that quite has this feeling as a mixed episode. Unfortunately it is a blend of depression, sorrow, anger, confusion and a few other things thrown in that I won't even get into.
I'd bust open the bottle of brandy that I received as a gift but I don't think I'd stop with a reasonable amount. I'd sit and chain smoke the pack of cigarettes I went out to buy today just for this reason but I'm too lazy to stand outside that long and refuse to stink up my house with the residue of an entire pack in a few hours time. Tears are splashing on my glasses and there is no point in cleaning them because the cycle only repeats.
Trying to distract myself I put on the TV and found one of my favorite movies. Good, you say? Not so much; it was Edward Scissorhands. I cry like a sissy at the end of that movie every single time. I think right now I am identifying with Eddie a bit more than I'd like to and of course ended up sobbing. There go the glasses again.
Part of me is missing my family and all things familiar. I look outside and can no longer hear the seagulls nor watch them hovering in mid air. When I look out, I expect to see the lake, to hear it's gentle waves late at night when all else is quiet. That, too, is not there. Nothing here is familiar, even though it is. I know this place, despite it's changes over the years; we are not strangers yet everything is making me feel like one.
All of these feelings are normal, I'm sure, yet my filter isn't working. Too much of it is coming through. My reactions are nowhere near normal. It's like taking the worst PMS, multiplying it times eight, adding several espressos, and carrying the burdens of the world after being deprived of sleep for two weeks. And there is no way out of it; I just have to ride it out. The best I can hope for is that this time it's brief and shows some sort of mercy. The toll it all takes is exhausting. There are no rational responses, no reliable accounts of anything. I question others motives and my reactions to them. It is the thing that can break relationships and sever ties. I push others away so they don't see it or feel the wrath. Then of course I'm left alone and it compounds the issue.
And how does one miss things they've never had? Is that possible? I find myself grieving these things and I have no right to. It's like I don't fucking make one bit of sense right now. Part of me cares about that. Another part of me just says to give in.
And now the movie Ever After is on... just another thing to make me sit here in variations from tears to sobbing fits. I suppose a part of me is always a sucker for a happy ending. I'm not sure if I believe in those anymore and I'm tired of trying to make it happen. Maybe the tears are for the character in the movie or maybe they are for me.
At least I work tomorrow and will have a distraction for part of the day. That's probably a good idea right about now. Ok. I just had to get some of this out. That's all.
First, I'll say that I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I do know that I need an outlet and this is my chosen method. Perhaps this is all the result of a mixed episode but that makes it no less real. When I was heading into this move it all came about so fast and started to push me into a manic phase. Christ, I'm so out of sorts that my hands are shaking to the point of making typing nearly impossible. So, yeah, it was pretty much hypomania but noticeable nonetheless. Then I was concentrating on getting the house in order and just making it to the first day of work while keeping my wits about me. The past two days have been increasingly unsettling and it continues to escalate. There is a nasty, vile, potentially harmful combination of mania and depression crushing me, taunting me, and there is nothing else that quite has this feeling as a mixed episode. Unfortunately it is a blend of depression, sorrow, anger, confusion and a few other things thrown in that I won't even get into.
I'd bust open the bottle of brandy that I received as a gift but I don't think I'd stop with a reasonable amount. I'd sit and chain smoke the pack of cigarettes I went out to buy today just for this reason but I'm too lazy to stand outside that long and refuse to stink up my house with the residue of an entire pack in a few hours time. Tears are splashing on my glasses and there is no point in cleaning them because the cycle only repeats.
Trying to distract myself I put on the TV and found one of my favorite movies. Good, you say? Not so much; it was Edward Scissorhands. I cry like a sissy at the end of that movie every single time. I think right now I am identifying with Eddie a bit more than I'd like to and of course ended up sobbing. There go the glasses again.
Part of me is missing my family and all things familiar. I look outside and can no longer hear the seagulls nor watch them hovering in mid air. When I look out, I expect to see the lake, to hear it's gentle waves late at night when all else is quiet. That, too, is not there. Nothing here is familiar, even though it is. I know this place, despite it's changes over the years; we are not strangers yet everything is making me feel like one.
All of these feelings are normal, I'm sure, yet my filter isn't working. Too much of it is coming through. My reactions are nowhere near normal. It's like taking the worst PMS, multiplying it times eight, adding several espressos, and carrying the burdens of the world after being deprived of sleep for two weeks. And there is no way out of it; I just have to ride it out. The best I can hope for is that this time it's brief and shows some sort of mercy. The toll it all takes is exhausting. There are no rational responses, no reliable accounts of anything. I question others motives and my reactions to them. It is the thing that can break relationships and sever ties. I push others away so they don't see it or feel the wrath. Then of course I'm left alone and it compounds the issue.
And how does one miss things they've never had? Is that possible? I find myself grieving these things and I have no right to. It's like I don't fucking make one bit of sense right now. Part of me cares about that. Another part of me just says to give in.
And now the movie Ever After is on... just another thing to make me sit here in variations from tears to sobbing fits. I suppose a part of me is always a sucker for a happy ending. I'm not sure if I believe in those anymore and I'm tired of trying to make it happen. Maybe the tears are for the character in the movie or maybe they are for me.
At least I work tomorrow and will have a distraction for part of the day. That's probably a good idea right about now. Ok. I just had to get some of this out. That's all.
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