Well folks, LiVEwiRe is not in a good place. Being the holidays and all, I'm putting this little disclaimer right here at the top so that you may choose whether or not to read any further. As I've said at times, this isn't going to be pretty...
First, I'll say that I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I do know that I need an outlet and this is my chosen method. Perhaps this is all the result of a mixed episode but that makes it no less real. When I was heading into this move it all came about so fast and started to push me into a manic phase. Christ, I'm so out of sorts that my hands are shaking to the point of making typing nearly impossible. So, yeah, it was pretty much hypomania but noticeable nonetheless. Then I was concentrating on getting the house in order and just making it to the first day of work while keeping my wits about me. The past two days have been increasingly unsettling and it continues to escalate. There is a nasty, vile, potentially harmful combination of mania and depression crushing me, taunting me, and there is nothing else that quite has this feeling as a mixed episode. Unfortunately it is a blend of depression, sorrow, anger, confusion and a few other things thrown in that I won't even get into.
I'd bust open the bottle of brandy that I received as a gift but I don't think I'd stop with a reasonable amount. I'd sit and chain smoke the pack of cigarettes I went out to buy today just for this reason but I'm too lazy to stand outside that long and refuse to stink up my house with the residue of an entire pack in a few hours time. Tears are splashing on my glasses and there is no point in cleaning them because the cycle only repeats.
Trying to distract myself I put on the TV and found one of my favorite movies. Good, you say? Not so much; it was Edward Scissorhands. I cry like a sissy at the end of that movie every single time. I think right now I am identifying with Eddie a bit more than I'd like to and of course ended up sobbing. There go the glasses again.
Part of me is missing my family and all things familiar. I look outside and can no longer hear the seagulls nor watch them hovering in mid air. When I look out, I expect to see the lake, to hear it's gentle waves late at night when all else is quiet. That, too, is not there. Nothing here is familiar, even though it is. I know this place, despite it's changes over the years; we are not strangers yet everything is making me feel like one.
All of these feelings are normal, I'm sure, yet my filter isn't working. Too much of it is coming through. My reactions are nowhere near normal. It's like taking the worst PMS, multiplying it times eight, adding several espressos, and carrying the burdens of the world after being deprived of sleep for two weeks. And there is no way out of it; I just have to ride it out. The best I can hope for is that this time it's brief and shows some sort of mercy. The toll it all takes is exhausting. There are no rational responses, no reliable accounts of anything. I question others motives and my reactions to them. It is the thing that can break relationships and sever ties. I push others away so they don't see it or feel the wrath. Then of course I'm left alone and it compounds the issue.
And how does one miss things they've never had? Is that possible? I find myself grieving these things and I have no right to. It's like I don't fucking make one bit of sense right now. Part of me cares about that. Another part of me just says to give in.
And now the movie Ever After is on... just another thing to make me sit here in variations from tears to sobbing fits. I suppose a part of me is always a sucker for a happy ending. I'm not sure if I believe in those anymore and I'm tired of trying to make it happen. Maybe the tears are for the character in the movie or maybe they are for me.
At least I work tomorrow and will have a distraction for part of the day. That's probably a good idea right about now. Ok. I just had to get some of this out. That's all.
11 comments:
My comment is gonna be really long and I don’t want to take up too much space posting it here, so I’ll divide it into 2 parts and will send it to you by email.
You brought tears to our eyes, Gabri and I, so I just want you to know that you’re not alone in this.
Hang in there. Everything you have mention tonight, will take care of itself, its just a matter of time. Look for your solutions slowly, make sure not to rush them. Look at the issues one at a time, that way it isnt all consuming. You are not alone. Many of us feel this way especially during the holidays. If you still have the strength to talk about it, then you have the strength to survive it.
I know "dont even know ya" and these may not be the best words of encouragement.
But I'll still hope the best for ya.
if I was in PA I'd go to your house and drag you back home with me - so we could be a double bundle of insanity!! hehehe
hey you are NOT alone - just because you can't see us doesn't mean we're not here
it WILL get better.... it ALWAYS does!!! :) - hang in there!!
I understand part of what you're feeling. I'm sick as a dog right now (what else is new it seems?), left work sat morning sick and spent all of Christmas Eve in bed, only enough to get up to throw up or take some more medicine, buring up with fever. Christmas is a holiday (take out all the commerical aspects and I realize that is a lot) that is built around family, spening it with said family. What do you do when you're alone without them? This is the first Christmas I will have that I dont' travel to my parents. It's weird and more than a bit sad. This has been a very strange year, all I can say it it's got to get better for both of us...right?
My heart goes out to you Livewire because I know how you feel. It sucks that there is nothing you can do but wait it out and hope that it only lasts a little while.
You've been through a lot in the last month and it's now catching up with you.
You'll be in my thoughts and know that if all of us were there with you we would give you big hugs (even if you didn't want them ;o)) and would cry with you too.
You can make it through this, you have before. We're all here for you.
Dear LW, the post nearly drove me mad to know you are in such status. As a med I advise you to C a doc as it is useful to get medication rather than stayin in such status.
I wish you the best year to come & thank U for all the help you gave me & my blog in the past year. You & Farzad have been the two who I most admire. I am sure once agn you'll overcome the situation.
merry x-mas
Farzad - I did get your comment... you really are a nut. I like that. =) I thank you and Gabri for your kind thoughs, words and support. It really does mean alot. As far as the tears, I hope that means that I communicated the feelings well, because maybe someone read this and perhaps they can apply it via understanding for someone that they know that might have a similar disorder. Maybe someone that isn't as vocal about their feelings as I am about mine.
Spyder - Welcome; boy did you ever pick one hell of a post to drop in on. I do agree, time will be what works most of this out. And I will always have the strength to talk about it; if I don't - it wins and I'm just too stubborn for that. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on a post such as this. I hope to see you back... I swear, it's not always like this. Usually I'm a real smart-ass.
Kitty - A double bundle of insanity may be just what we need then! (And what do you mean I can't see you... I can see you, you're right there! =)) You said it gets better. Is it better yet? (I'm impatient...)
John - Um, it's a good thing you're not a horse, hon! What are we going to DO with you?! I think things will get better for both of us, even though it seems like a far away thing right now. Now go feel better! Right this instant!
Anduin - Thank you. I don't like knowing that you know this feeling, but I do know you understand. I think this past month is what really got all this in motion and I am hoping with whatever I can summon that this fades soon. In the mean time, that would be quite a group hug. =)
Dr O2 - Do you count as my doc? =) I've been on lithium (for a few years) and clonazepam (for a few months) and it has been doing the trick other than a few manageable episodes (mostly mania) here and there. I do agree with Anduin, this past month, with it's uncertainties and hurried pace seems to have acted as a catalyst. Besides, I can't have a full breakdown for another 5 weeks til my insurance starts. ;) I wish you all the best as well - visiting your blog is always a joy. You make me laugh, think and look at things in new ways; you have something very special.
Dear one, I hesitate to say anything that is going to clump into your heart in heavy boots & seem very stupid, but I hope your life smoothes out. Your articulate expression of what you are going through will undoubtedly be of help to those who have felt this sort of thing and have not been able to express or explain it--all the jangle and despair. It does sound as if you are learning ways to navigate though (even past the monsters and the places where the world seems to fall away).
And I know you have caught the hearts of many who stop by your site and care about you.
Our struggles are different, but I have known the edges pretty well in my own way (I'm okay now--maybe this life does get easier as you get older--but have been perilously close to going over forever--I know a little of the territory, and have learned to guide myself pretty carefully over the hard places. But there is always, in the back of my mind, a certain--waiting.
Oh, may it get easier for you. Soon.
eKapa - We definitely seem to be timed on this one. We've both had alot of changes, thats for damn sure. Sometimes I think it takes some sort of faith to get through it believing something better is out there. Funny, I'm always in short supply of faith but since the bipolar cycles, it seems to even out anyway in it's own time. We'll both be enjoying life again, guess we just have to go through this first. Be well.
Jarvenpa - First, thank you for the kind words. And don't worry about saying something that may 'seem stupid'... I say those things all the time to myself. =) Places where the world seems to fall away... yes, that is exactly what it feels like. Even in my saddest ends of this, I can only handle that for so long, then my stubborn streak kicks in and I write about it. Obviously not to anyone in particular, but it helps me take back some of the control that had been sifting through my fingers like sand. Like the world falling away. It seems as if you've prowled these fringes as well - in whatever disguise they wore at the time. As you said, with time, you learn how to guide yourself. The one thing is that there was no fear of the behavior/feelings themselves because I knew exactly what this was, thank goodness. Mixed episodes are the worst but knowing it would pass (luckily for me I'm also a rapid cycler) was all I kept reminding myself of. It kept me out of falling into some old patterns. I think I understand what you mean about the waiting. Just like with any adversary it never seems to be quite over, does it? For now, I seem to sense that it is subsiding a bit and that will have to be enough. Thank you for your thoughts, they are much appreciated.
I can't really think of any fitting words right now...so i'll give you a hug instead :)
Hope it gets better soon
Motor - Sometimes words don't fit but hugs typically do... =)
Soap - Thanks for the added clarification on who you were... I found myself wondering if I was so fucked up that I was also leading a double blog life and not remembering. =) Truthfully, everyone has something to whine and moan about nad I don't mean that in a smart-ass way, for once. I just think that we all have our own crosses to bear and what may not seem like alot to one person may mean the world to another. I know that you've had your share of trials my dear, so you can't fool me there. When I write about things like this (especially), it just comes out; I'm not thinking clearly to begin with so that I can pretty it up or make it sound worse - it just is what it is. I learn alot about myself by writing and that's why I do it. And you know, I agree about letting all the snot out of my head, it's good for the soul, too. Truth be told, I have been having some breathing problems lately... =) I for one don't think you're full of crap. Unless it's just the silly kind - which is cool! Glad my comment made sense to you, sometimes I know what I mean but I don't get it across like I intend. I think you've got some things to work through now as well and I have complete confidence in you that you will not only face it and pull through it, but turn it around and smack it on the ass. All my best to you for the coming year! Thank you so much for the wonderful words dear Soapy One. ;)
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