Bits and pieces

I'm currently working on a tag (yes, it takes me forever) but until then I just had a few thoughts running around in ye olde cranium and thought I'd let them out.

First, I replaced my bed. This makes me happy. Hopefully this one will work out better. The other one apparently had a latent flaw that manifested after I had it for a while as there is nothing I could've done to it to make it lose air. Maybe a seam was bad or something. So this is a good thing.

Yesterday my mom and gram came down to visit for a few hours. I do wish they could've stayed longer but even the short visit was nice. Gram likes the apartment but hates the location where I work. The look on her face was priceless. It's old and very, very crowded; people park on the sidewalks due to a lack of space. For someone that has Lake Erie as her front yard, this is a huge change. She even said that she'd like to come back for another visit sometime soon. She must've been bitten by the traveling bug because today she is up in NY with my mom and aunt gambling. She'll be 85 in April so I say go for it!

Rumor has it that I am moving up in the food chain at work. I don't have all the details yet so I'm hoping it's not directly into a shark's mouth or something. It's a Lead Tech position and is mainly what role I've been assuming thus far but it'll have a little (yes, little) more money with it and a formal title. If I'm doing it anyway might as well make it official. No other news on it yet.

I'm learning that I have a knack for honing in on the guys that are not attainable. Well, I suppose everyone is attainable to an extent, but I mean the kind of unattainable that will get an angry wife yelling and screaming at you. Do you think I hone in on that as a safety measure? I mean, if it goes nowhere, I can't get hurt, right? Damn. Somehow I manage to do this. Or maybe a guy that is married doesn't feel the need to put on airs (I mean really, he's set, why should he?) and I respond to the openness and lack of pretention. Of course then I'm disappointed and slightly bitter but I get over it. I'm just wondering what draws me in that direction? No, I don't act on it but I think I need a better method. I don't go out actively looking for guys so when one catches my eye, it actually is more than just an initial response. Oh well. I just think it's weird.

I promised someone some pictures so I think I'm going to dig out my camera and see if I remember how to use it. First I might want to think about getting a few other things in order but then again, sometimes I suck at prioritizing...lol. Besides, playing with the camera is always fun, so I say we go for that first! Right? Right!

This is my cue to laugh, right?

So yesterday I reinflated my bed, which I do every 2-3 days or so. When I came home and eventually went to sleep, it seemed way softer than what I recalled, so I filled it again. This morning I woke up halfway on the ground. Ok, this is not good. Nor is it comfortable... I feel like I slept all wadded up in a box. I must solve this problem before my spine summons rebel forces. This folks, is me not pleased.

However, I got an email from my mother this morning that, well, let's just say I'm glad I peed before I read it. Here is the email:

• It's positively time for a new phone when... You dial the cable company and the voice answering says - 'hi, let's have some fun'.

The buttons on her phone don't want to work properly and somehow she got some phone sex line. (I wondered if it was just another service offered by our cable monopoly known as Comcast.) Now, to get the significance, you'd have to know my mother. She is by no means puritanical but things like that really throw her. For years, I'd never say 'fuck' in front of her. When it finally slipped out, you'd have thought that my speech patterns were the reason for the impending downfall of civilization as we know it. Had she been religious, she no doubt would have blessed herself and grabbed the rosary praying for the soul of her only child. (She tells me she thinks I'm 'above' that. Yeah ma, think again.) Yeah, well, she's not like that but she is the most expressive and animated person I've ever known. Her reactions are almost cartoon-like. I tell her that I often see her eyebrows hovering over her head, not on it, just like in cartoons. I would have loved to have been there when that call connected just to see the look on her face. Of course now I told her I'd like to scan her phone bill for other 900#s... =)

Ok, off to solve the mystery of the deflating bed. If only Shaggy and Scooby were here...

And I haven't forgotten about my tag Mr. Cat... hopefully tomorrow! =)

Born under a bad sign?

I'm writing this then going back to hide in bed. Couple of things on my mind so I figured I'd try to pull them out amid the general chaos and try to purge them from my brain. First, does anyone know anything about astrology? Was I born under a bad sign? It would be much easier to deal with that than to think life is sucking right now because 'it just does'. Or Allah wills it. Or God says you are never given more than you can handle. If 'God' would take a closer look it would be clear that I'm not handling it so well. Please, just tell me it's planetary alignment or something.

Ok, I threw a complete fit at work Friday complete with numerous expletives, flying objects and thinly veiled threats. I am not a babysitter. Although it is 'unspoken law' that I'm the go-to person on my shift (per the pharmacists), I still need some fucking cooperation. One month, that's as long as I've been there. I've decided to go in and just keep my mouth shut and attempt to do it all myself. That way I don't have to babysit, nor do I have to be disappointed by others. Will I fail with this method? Most likely. Right now, I don't care.

Remember Benny, my semi-evil cat? Well, he's still at it and wreaking havoc at my mothers' house with her cats. He's on drugs and we've used a pheromone diffuser to calm him and it's just not working. When he attacks, his former leukemia symptoms come back. So, which came first? Did the flare up in symptoms reestablish inflammation in the brain causing the aggressive behavior or does a bout of aggression bring on the inflammatory response. We've consulted a behavioralist and it isn't looking good. My next trip back to Ohio may be for his euthanasia. I feel so damned helpless.

My nerves are frazzled to the point where I can't eat. If I manage to choke something down past the nausea, I still feel sick for hours. If I don't eat at all, well, obviously I feel like shit, but then the acid reflux takes over and my stomach kills me and furnishes even more nausea. It's like a lose/lose situation.

Which brings me to the next topic of my doctor's office being a bunch of incompetent oafs. They will not help me with records because I've crossed the state line... seriously. So now I have to hurry (before my prescription for my stomach runs out - not that it's doing a world of good) and find a doctor here that I have to actually ask to falsify records because they won't help me. Fuckers.

And because I'm being reminded of being alone and somewhat lonely right now, advertising for Valentine's Day is pumping full force. Thanks. Add some salt to the wound, why don't you?

I'm going back to hide.

Decision made

I'm crawling back into bed and never leaving.
Except to pee and feed my cat.

The new 'audio' slave?...

Ah, there. I've switched to text format in case the audio was not your thing. Hell, I don't know if it's MY thing yet, I still have to record it...lol. Figured I'd just slip this part in once the audio portion is complete, but I promised myself I'd be brief. (No really, I mean it...)

My quick trip home was good but much too brief. And it left me filled with alot of confusion, which I figure is somewhat normal. I sort of feel in a way like I don't belong in either place. When I saw the lake, I started to cry. That was like my rock, ya know? I can't tell you how many times I sat there and contemplated, laughed, cried, thought, sat with friends, all of it. I really miss it. Got to see my family and yes, I missed them, too. Leaving was hard emotionally not to mention that I had to pee 5 times on a three hour trip. That was just ridiculous. I'm having a serious talk with my bladder - this is just not acceptable. One should not have to be catheterized for a trip of that length!

Enough for now. I have to pee...

I think I might scream

I was going to do a little audio post just for shits and giggles and leave that for the weekend but that is not happening. I got the idea from Heidi and had considered it in the past but her's made me want to do one. A friend of mine told me there was no way that I should do it but that was for reasons that I won't go into...lol. Besides, today is not a good day for an audio post... you'd just hear me say 'fuck' alot. Not as if that doesn't happen in print, but you get the idea.

In about 6 hours I'll be getting up and driving back to Ohio for an overnight visit. Part of me is excited, part of me is scared. Just not sure what my brain will make of it all and so there's a bit of apprehension. Of course, I'll make the best of it no matter what. Besides, I still haven't given them their Christmas gifts so I know they'll be glad to see me! =) A warm reception is guaranteed...lol.

This is the part where wanting to scream comes in. The changes at work are continuing and it's hard to keep up. I also just witnessed an understandable yet childish display that resulted in me grabbing everything, for every floor of the hospital and going out to do it on my own. I was not about to wait around for whatever was unfolding. It's usually wise for me to just GO when I feel the urge to say something utterly nasty that I can't take back and that may end up in an ugly scene. So, that's what I did. My pharmacist tonight may have seen my actions as hot-headed, and in a way, I suppose they were, but it was all just to avoid a potentially bigger problem. At the end of the night, the other two left and as I was headed out the door he kind of motioned for me to wait, asking me if I was ok. Of course I said I was fine but didn't hide what I really felt with the tone of my voice, I just said the words. He tried to make me feel better but I came this close to saying, 'No, Jerry... I fucking left everything I had for this job. My everything may not be much to you, or anyone else, but it was all I had; and now I'm wondering if I was a fool. So no, no it's not ok. And pardon me if I get cranky when other people I work with literally stand there and say 'they aren't going anywhere with the other co-worker'. If I wanted to work in child care, I would have; or a three ring circus for that matter. So no, right now it is pretty far fucking off from ok.' But he's too nice and I would have been taking out my anger toward other things on him and that isn't fair to do when someone is trying to help you. Especially one of your bosses. Part of it is me being edgy and dealing with PMS but the majority of it is just that there are so many changes going on there and a certain lack of organization. Add into that one person who has a high language barrier, one who has been fired repeatedly for being mouthy, and me... who is caught in this riptide on the job and in her head. I'm so frustrated right now that I'm actually at a loss for what to do. I mean even temporarily; how to make it better until I decide if these are just growing pains, so to speak. So yeah, screaming feels like a really good option.

That would be the main reason for no audio post; but I haven't fully decide if I want to inflict myself upon you aurally as well as in text form. That might be pushing the limits of how much of me you can handle. =)

So, I'm off for the weekend, and I'll catch up when I get back. I've got about 2 hours of prep work to do and then I can sleep... so maybe I'll get 3 or 4 hours in the end! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

The Adventures of Stabby-Man

Before we get right into the aforementioned tale, I'm going to give you a quick update. I'm going home this weekend and of course I'm excited yet hope I hold up well when it's time to leave. No triggering of any sort of episode permitted; got that brain?! Last night I learned that one girl is leaving, and that the one I work with (of our little night shift trio) will most likely be moving up to a day shift. Piss. I came damn close to using my little keychain adornment on my other coworker who is just too damned bossy. If he yanks one more thing out of my hands while I'm working, I might just take the quick way, save a few steps and bitch-slap him. Nice guy (truly) but he makes the word 'overzealous' look like a synonym for 'lazy'. He doesn't stop to use courtesy sometimes and when you try to explain it, he just keeps talking louder and faster. Oy. And I managed to go on to my female coworker about this guy that called that had quite the sexy voice... only to learn that it was the other pharmacist I work with! Lol... I know right now that I'm never living this down! Ever!

So, on to the adventures of Stabby-Man....

As we all know, my mind works in peculiar ways and I have a very active imagination in an odd sense, sometimes. So it's garbage night and I drag the huge can off the deck and down the steps, maybe 6 or 7 of them and rest it at the bottom. Meaning to get my shit in gear earlier did nothing and I ended up getting the stuff from in the house after dark and went out on the deck to have a cigarette then planned on taking out the trash. There I was on the deck, just me, my cigarette and the small bag of trash yet to be stuffed into the big can. So I see this little kitty come sauntering over next door and just sit by the garage, bright eyes reflecting and blinking. Yes, I was talking to it. No matter how much I asked, it never revealed it's name. Then I saw movement in the alley and as I looked up to see a person walking, he looked up and saw me. We exchanged a 'hi' and that was it. I was thinking he thought I was a crazy lady as he couldn't see the cat from where he was. Anyway, he walks down three houses, gets just out of sight then turns and comes back. Chicken me turns tail and goes back in the house. After all, he may have decided to eradicate all the mentally unstable people talking to themselves on their decks and chose me as his first victim. In reality, he may have forgotten something back where he came from... but not in my mind. I knew he was coming for me. I waited about another hour and a half, went out on the deck for a 'cigarette' although it was to actually see if the coast was clear. Seemed fine, but part way through my cigarette, I remembered that the passage under my deck is open and I was certain he was hiding under my deck. What would I do? If I went down to take the can out, he could tackle me then come in and steal all my fineries (lol...fineries). Then, as I stood there, getting ready to put out the cigarette, I knew his plan!!! He was under my deck with a very large, sharp knife preparing to stab at my feet between the boards! Bastard!!! Of course, I finished my cigarette standing ONLY on the boards. On the way in, I realized he could also have grabbed at my ankles through the backs of the steps as they are open, letting gravity smash me to the ground, then steal all of my fineries. I decided I could live with trash on my deck and risk critters scattering it. Decision made... stabby-man could sit under there all he wanted; I was not going out. Ha. Famous last words. Quick history: my mother gave me her vacuum (an extra) so that I didn't have to buy one and said the bag was almost new and I shouldn't have to change it for quite a while. Considering I don't have that much space to vacuum, I never bothered to check yet. I found that 10pm was a fine time to vacuum and within minutes smelled an awful burning odor. Seems that mom was wrong... the bag was filled twice as far as it should have been and fuzz was clogging the intake line. Great. Changed the bag, swore alot, vacuum is fine, house stunk like burnt ass or something... which meant... come on, say it with me... I had to go back outside with the stinky vacuum bag. Sonofabitch! At this time I toyed with several ideas. 1) Do I lock my door while I drag it out (it's only about 50-60 feet, mind you, but there is a gate involved and it was dark) so that he doesn't get IN my house? Downside? It would take me too long to unlock it and get in if he was stabbing at my feet through the boards on the deck. 2) Do I leave the door unlocked? Which means I could get in quickly and escape the blades of stabby-man. Downside? He could be in there waiting for me. Finally I just said fuck it, took my keychain =), and cringed at the thought of intensive foot lacerations and took everything out. Of course, by the time I came in I had scared myself silly but I can probably thank all of those people who tell me I live in such a bad area.

And so concludes the tale of Stabby-Man. Some people (ok, fine.... some kids) have the BoogeyMan.... I've got Stabby-Man. He might have been there under my deck all night, just waiting but he was gone by the light of the next morning. Or maybe he just turned around to retrieve something he forgot when walking to his destination. Suppose I'll never know, will I? Sometimes it sucks to have an active imagination.

Be Afraid... (or not)

This post is for Terri who finds amusement in the thought of me terrorizing the little thuglets in my neighborhood with my oh-so-sunny demeanor. Wheee! And I should add Anne in here, who now thinks I beat people with their own arm... wonder where she came up with that? =)

So here's LiVEwiRe's little helper...

This picture shows how versatile it is. Two spikes to the eyes or even throat (or...well, use your imagination...). If you get a better grip they stick out about another inch. A nice crack to the temple with the semi-blunt end (which should always be pointing out from your pinky finger; it lets you gain momentum on the downstrike) is effective. This thing is 5.5 inches long and is heavy as hell as it is made of solid steel.

So that is part of my assurance. It is completely and utterly illegal yet I've had it for 14 years. The police in Ohio have seen it on a couple of occasions yet not one comment was made.

What's that you ask? Have I used it? Come a little closer and I'll tell you... {wink}

And so it goes...

You know how 'they' say life works in strange ways...? Well, I've got one for ya.

Today I go to work and get pulled into the Director's office with the other two new hires. Not worried, just figuring we were going to get an update of sorts. Did we ever. Our Director is leaving at the end of the month. And where is she going, you ask? (Maybe you didn't ask, but come on, play along.) Alright, I'll tell you.

She's going to fucking Allegheny General Hospital!!! Where they had the leeches. The first place I interviewed and turned them down! Well fuck me running.... this is just a bit odd. And slightly awkward...

She said she was not above 'recruiting' techs if it would work well. That's when I told her that I had interviewed there and she had asked what happened. I told her that I turned them down to work for her here. I swear I never meant for it to affect her like that, but she just looked so guilty and apologetic. I was simply seeing the irony. Oops.

We will have a new director soon, as in any situation, they could be nice or they could make Atilla the Hun look cheery. I have to ask if my hours/shift will be secure and if the offer to apply for the night head tech is still available. And will that hold true once the new director arrives. Remember, I moved out of state for this... I think I could use some sort of reassurance.

I'm not even going to play here, yes I care about my coworkers but I care about me more damn it. I'm trying to get things calm then this happens and I once again feel on shaky ground. This is not about me, it's about my Director make a change for the better in her life. And while I wish her all the best (she is truly a sweetheart) I need to know how this will effect me. With the episode at hand, I'm not in the mood to mince words and just wait it out. Either tomorrow or Friday I'll be asking her my questions. I'll just tell her that I need reassurance of the written kind in my file.

Part of me is seeing a bit of humor in this. Maybe not so much humor as nervous laughter attached to a potential time bomb. I'm not going to walk in swinging... that wouldn't get me anywhere and it's not how it deserves to be approached. This is her good news and I'm truly happy for her. I just refuse to bend over and grab my ankles in the process.

Does my approach make sense?

Implosion of the folk variety

The rumors are all true... I am still among the living; much to the dismay of some. Meh, whatever. So here's a quick update...

• The sun will apparently never shine in this region of the country (former digs included) for more than 3 hours within any given 4 day stretch. Help me.
• I've learned that shopping for kids (relatives) toys is absolutely mindboggling. Too many choices and they all cost too much. I sometimes get them books (oh, evil me) which they actually love... I just worry that their hillbilly parents may not be able to keep up with the escalating reading level. After all, the oldest of the two boys will be 4 in May...
• The gas leak in my car seems to be more pronounced based on my fume-o-meter readings alone. Imagine that... it's not reversing. Odd.
• My heater now sounds like someone is riding a dirtbike in little circles in the basement; until I hear the big SLAM when it shuts off! Then I'm assuming they've just hit the wall. Dumbass gets up and does it repeatedly, too. Oh how I love when I get visuals that I can't shake.
• Everyone is scaring me when I tell them where I live. Needless to say, the curtains have only been open once or twice for an average of 34 minutes. Well, plus it's been cold and heating costs are insane. Doesn't matter any way as there's almost no sun to be had. I would really like winter to be over.
• Oooh, here's a fun one. I've got some sort of new allergy! Yippee. Sneezing violently more than a dozen times in a row tells me something very, very important. Know what that is? That I better pee every chance I get or there could be an awkward situation at hand. Or down my leg.
• I bought Once Upon a Time in Mexico on DVD... need I say more?
• I'm missing a particular friend and it's absolutely killing me. In one way, that reminds me not to become too attached to anyone. They've been so busy, which I completely understand; at this moment, I'm just talking about where my head is at and the end result.
• Ok, last little goofy thing, I swear. Then we move on to the BIG goofy things... Kidding. My remote start for my car has finally reached it's last run here in Camryville. I have to get about 10 feet from my car in order for it to work. Ok, so is there a point to that? Will my car really warm up within the few seconds it takes me to get to the door? Hey, at least I have a door handle.

Those were just the goofy things in my head I had to dump out. As far as the opposing poles in my brain, well, it's getting better but I'm not there yet. At times, I feel like I've improved about 50%, then it goes back to only 30%; always taunting and teasing - and not in a good way. One of the biggest problems is that I keep getting stuck between the 'then' and 'now'. Things I see, yes, but mainly things I hear. It throws me back 14 years and I find myself backed into a wall; for a moment, it's like an odd time warp... what year is it really? Yeah, that's good for the ol' panic receptors in the brain. It'll just take a while for this phase to get worked through then I can deal with things normally. Which I may suck at equally, but at least I'd know it's me and not the influx of neurotransmitters. =)

But even on the crummy idea that things I hear are triggering mild panic... I woke up today to one of the best songs I've ever heard. It must be 10 years old but since I never hear it, it might as well be brand new. Yes, I'm giving you two links... both play a different clip. To me, it has a very laid back, sultry, sexy sound. The band is Folk Implosion and the song is Natural One... go find it on the sample lists. I immediately took a liking to this song years ago and it's special because I never hear it, they are 25 second clips... go for it, both are very different parts of the same song.

I'll be back soon enough but struggling with ye' olde mental demons has been, uh, well - a real struggle =) Kind of saps any energy. Hope things are fabulous for all of you.

(Oh, and Nomad... I'm not backing down on this 'request'...lol!)

Still among the living...

... I'd say that's a good start.

Yes, I'm still struggling but it's about 30% better than it was at it's worst point. I appreciate everyone's comments, thoughts, and emails. Yes, it's been really tough (that actually doesn't even begin to cover it) but barring any unforeseen circumstances, I'll make it through. Heh - and this IS me on meds...lol.

Job update: I think I like my two night pharmacists. They have something fun about them and it fits in with what I like to be around and what I am like (er, mostly). Having a bit of training which should wrap up tomorrow. It's not ongoing; it's the I'll-show-you-once variety but that's ok. Still looking, or should I say listening, for my Nigerian and South African doctors. There has to be at least ONE for God's sake... remember my Nigerian Pulmonologist from the other hospital? *sigh*

Lots for me to accomplish in the next few days and I need to get my head on straight so I may be visiting sporadically.

My wish for you all: May you end 2005 on a bright note and may 2006 bring you all that you hold dear.

Duality (A sort of follow up)

This post may appear extremely long, but the content is limited. I'm still struggling and trying to work through this but I thought of something I can do to give an example of what I'm feeling through some music and lyrics (for those of you that are unfamiliar with what a bipolar mixed episode feels like). Combine this with my last post - it's the best I can do.

This one covers the mania, panic, confusion... it's called Duality (how fitting). I could not find the audio version in it's entirety but a video instead. Change the player settings if you need to but be warned... the band wears horrendous masks so I'll put the lyrics first then you can go to the link. It's worth it to hear and read it together. I'm not a big fan but this one, I like. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Duality
Slipknot

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Uplifting, eh? Ok, here's the link so you can listen and see... go...


So the next part is the sorrow and loss feelings thanks to the depression end of it. There is only one song that I can think of that can absolutely bring me to my knees; partially because of the deep sorrow and partially because of the hope entwined in it. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the song in it's entirety, just a short sample. If you heard the whole thing, you'd understand. I'm adding a link to the band because they are fabulous, have an excellent sound with an interesting middle eastern flair and his voice is incredibly unique. Again, read the lyrics... this one is much easier on the ears (and eyes if you go to their site).

The Messenger
The Tea Party

Got a letter from a messenger
I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded
You were bound and chained
You had loved and you were handled
You were poisoned, you were pained
Oh no Oh no
You were naked, you were shamed

You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there's so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no Oh no
Not expecting to collide

For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no there's no need to be without

If there's a chance I would take it
This desire I can't kill
Take my heart please don't break it
I will crawl to your foothill
I'm frightened but I'm coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill

Just scroll down to the sample section, it's number 6; and here is the band's site. They have an exquisite site and samples play from the time you connect.


I hope you enjoy the Tea Party track but both give you an idea of what is going on in my head at the same time, fighting for the same space and devouring my neurotransmitters like Pez. Duality says it all.

Stranger in a Strange Land

Well folks, LiVEwiRe is not in a good place. Being the holidays and all, I'm putting this little disclaimer right here at the top so that you may choose whether or not to read any further. As I've said at times, this isn't going to be pretty...

First, I'll say that I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I do know that I need an outlet and this is my chosen method. Perhaps this is all the result of a mixed episode but that makes it no less real. When I was heading into this move it all came about so fast and started to push me into a manic phase. Christ, I'm so out of sorts that my hands are shaking to the point of making typing nearly impossible. So, yeah, it was pretty much hypomania but noticeable nonetheless. Then I was concentrating on getting the house in order and just making it to the first day of work while keeping my wits about me. The past two days have been increasingly unsettling and it continues to escalate. There is a nasty, vile, potentially harmful combination of mania and depression crushing me, taunting me, and there is nothing else that quite has this feeling as a mixed episode. Unfortunately it is a blend of depression, sorrow, anger, confusion and a few other things thrown in that I won't even get into.

I'd bust open the bottle of brandy that I received as a gift but I don't think I'd stop with a reasonable amount. I'd sit and chain smoke the pack of cigarettes I went out to buy today just for this reason but I'm too lazy to stand outside that long and refuse to stink up my house with the residue of an entire pack in a few hours time. Tears are splashing on my glasses and there is no point in cleaning them because the cycle only repeats.

Trying to distract myself I put on the TV and found one of my favorite movies. Good, you say? Not so much; it was Edward Scissorhands. I cry like a sissy at the end of that movie every single time. I think right now I am identifying with Eddie a bit more than I'd like to and of course ended up sobbing. There go the glasses again.

Part of me is missing my family and all things familiar. I look outside and can no longer hear the seagulls nor watch them hovering in mid air. When I look out, I expect to see the lake, to hear it's gentle waves late at night when all else is quiet. That, too, is not there. Nothing here is familiar, even though it is. I know this place, despite it's changes over the years; we are not strangers yet everything is making me feel like one.

All of these feelings are normal, I'm sure, yet my filter isn't working. Too much of it is coming through. My reactions are nowhere near normal. It's like taking the worst PMS, multiplying it times eight, adding several espressos, and carrying the burdens of the world after being deprived of sleep for two weeks. And there is no way out of it; I just have to ride it out. The best I can hope for is that this time it's brief and shows some sort of mercy. The toll it all takes is exhausting. There are no rational responses, no reliable accounts of anything. I question others motives and my reactions to them. It is the thing that can break relationships and sever ties. I push others away so they don't see it or feel the wrath. Then of course I'm left alone and it compounds the issue.

And how does one miss things they've never had? Is that possible? I find myself grieving these things and I have no right to. It's like I don't fucking make one bit of sense right now. Part of me cares about that. Another part of me just says to give in.

And now the movie Ever After is on... just another thing to make me sit here in variations from tears to sobbing fits. I suppose a part of me is always a sucker for a happy ending. I'm not sure if I believe in those anymore and I'm tired of trying to make it happen. Maybe the tears are for the character in the movie or maybe they are for me.

At least I work tomorrow and will have a distraction for part of the day. That's probably a good idea right about now. Ok. I just had to get some of this out. That's all.

I'm always here. Always.

For those of you that are following along, I thought I'd tell you a little about the job as I've just completed day two.

Now, I'm tired, I can't breathe, I'm cold as, well I don't know, I'm just really cold and a bit tired of it, and have disgusting things to do tomorrow before work (like grocery shopping) so I have to get up even earlier. Point is, this'll be rather direct. Ha... like I usually take another route or something....

So during my 'welcome to the department' speech today I was told by one of the Leads that she is pushing for me to accept a position for a Lead Night Tech. Hi. I've been there two days... actually I was just beginning day two when she told me this. I told her I'd be interested but would like to figure out what I'm doing first, if she didn't mind. The position could be posted in three weeks or three months, no one really knows. She said she's already told the Director she wants me in that position. Ok, you know what? All bullshit aside, I think they know. I think they want to make sure I can do it then offer it to me. That's what they are waiting for. Here's why: they are amazed by my knowledge of all things pharmacy, my skills, and references - they've told me. They like my attitude (that's a good one...heh) and want someone that can be responsible. Well, after tonight, I can see why they are thinking this way. To be honest (and I don't mean to sound pompous) I am the best candidate. There are people there literally walking around in the pharmacy talking on their cell phones; their job is secondary to them at best. They are doing piss poor jobs at some things and, first and foremost, their training sucks. Five minutes of the beginning of teaching somebody something then wandering off for 45 minutes does not constitute as training. So I just went in the IV room and did the shit myself. Then the person training me came over about 2 hours later and wondered what I was doing. She felt bad that I was left alone (she was legitimately busy) and said I never should have had to do that all on my own. Ok, here's the BEST part of it... and I'm not even kidding you. The people that have been there like, 6-8 weeks were asking ME for help. I was fucking training people on my second day. I was answering questions that the other techs couldn't. That is the situation I often end up in - it has happened before.

So, here's the 'dilemma'... do I pretend I don't have the knowledge and hide it? Hell no I don't! Will I be labeled a bitch that thinks she is better than everyone else? Yes, I will. I know this from past experience. I end up with that label alot. And I don't think I'm better... I just think that if I have the skills, I should use them. My years of jumping in to ask questions is what got me here and a hell of alot of common sense; I don't plan on pretending those things are not a part of me. I am planning on being faced with some attitudes tomorrow, but you know what, I've done it before. And don't think for a second I'm going to back down. You throw me in there with a group of people that couldn't find their ass with both hands and you expect me to wait around patiently until someone can come around and hold my hand? I don't think so. Step aside and I'll do what I can and ask about the rest.

I can see that this is going to be alot of self-teaching, so to speak - it's just the way things are staffed right now and I truly do understand that. But just so long as no one expects me to sit back and wait because that's not going to happen. You hired me to come in and do a good job, which is what I plan on doing. On the job, I am not hard to get along with. My first night I was cracking the one pharmacist up with what is just my usual sarcastic demeanor; we were talking about some really weird shit (including plucking cat testicles...) but he told me that he was impressed that I didn't hesitate or miss a beat. He said that showed him what I was really like to be that comfortable and down to earth on my first day.

Point is, this could get interesting rather quickly. I'll go into full-on tech mode faster than some would like and I'll be the bitch. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I've heard it all. It will be interesting to see if they make it official with that position. I'm sure it'll take a while but I've no idea how long. I just keep finding myself in the position of clean up crew no matter where I go. Perhaps that's just my lot in life, which when you think of it, isn't so bad.

Off to bed now. I need to rest so I can run my errands tomorrow and then carefully select my scrub outfit for the day... I need it to say, 'Go on, call me a bitch. I dare you.' ;)

I'm such a ray of sunshine.

He's still got it...

...after all these years.

This boy was really something special. So special, in fact, that I have yet to be successful in naming the reasons that earn him that rank. Trying to explain it is like trying to explain the tone of a bell, how migration works, or why blue is blue. He was something extraordinary, in a category with one lone occupant: Fred Astaire.

I'd grudgingly watched bits of a few movies as a child and didn't really care one way or another. You know, it was old, and old wasn't cool then. As the years passed, my views began to change. One day, for some unknown reason, I watched one of his movies in it's entirety. That was all it took.

From that point on, I would seize every opporunity to watch any of his movies. Some I've watched a bit here and there, some I've seen repeatedly. The one thing that I've learned is that I don't think I will ever tire of them. Not so much because they were cinematic perfection, but for far more important reasons.

Fred was (and still remains) the epitome of grace and charm in my mind. There is not one person that can surpass him on either count. He danced as easily as I take a breath - it appeared effortless and utterly flawless. Often having to 'prove himself' in his movie roles, his quiet, crafty nature and tenacity managed to pull him through. With him, everything hard appeared easy, all things difficult simply became opportunities. Ahhh, idealism. It was as if, unbeknownst to him, he held the entire world in the palm of his graceful hand... no pretense whatsoever.

Right now, it's almost as if I need to believe that there is really someone like that out there. As if I need to wrap that feeling around me like a cloak. Something about him always seemed so centered, aside from his talent in tap shoes. I will always welcome the feeling I get when watching him. Hmm, I'm sure there's a box set of DVDs for sale somewhere, right?...

Yeah, I realize that there may not be one person that 'gets' this post, and that's ok. With everything changing in my life I just wish I had more than tonight's movie to give me that kind of feeling, that sort of comfort in life. Everyone has something that does it for them. Perhaps I see this as relief in a simpler time - complete with enough charm, grace, and a smile to knock anyone's socks (and tap shoes) right off!

I wonder if he ever knew, truly knew, what he had?

Fa La La La La La... Bite my ass!

I've never been one much for holidays. Well, as a kid I suppose I was, but not for most of my adult life. I had a bit of a reminder today regarding one of the reasons why.

Let's keep in mind that I don't really like to shop much, either. Yep, a non-shopping female... we do exist; not just in the dreams of men and the occasional Public Television specials, but flesh and bone. So I had to go shop for boots today. The rest of the world is shopping for whatever winter holiday they celebrate and I'm on a mission for practical cold weather and snow boots. Right. So I pass several stores including Dress Like a Mess, Sluts-R-Us, Cheesy Gizmos and Gadgets Galore, Waifs on a Diet Inc. (poorly yet ironically placed directly beside Amazon-Woman Apparel) and lastly, several various kiosks where workers attempted to accost me with their wares. I say attempted because the third one that approached me almost got his 'ware' shoved up his ass. No, I do not want to try your samples. No, I do not care to hear about the wonders of your particular over-priced product. What I want, people, is for you to avoid eye contact, leave me alone, get the fuck out of my way, and direct me to the goddammed boots for christ's sake! The only ones getting my money are the ones that sell me the boots I want... got it?!?!?!

Well, funny thing is, they don't. 'Got it', that is. On my return round, kiosk-boy sees me (as just another shopper) wandering near by. I see his fake holiday commission-based smile start to form as he begins to offer forth his wares; and just then, he realizes that he already tried to hit me up. He was the one that almost got his ware (I don't even know what it was) shoved tightly into his duodenum via the rectal route. When the realization settled on his jingle bell sized brain, the smile faded, a kind of special pallor overtook him and he took two steps back to go around the other side of the kiosk with a swiftness usually only seen on Animal Planet Safari programs. I love being able to illicit that sort of reaction with only a look... perhaps there really IS a Santa Claus....

And don't think I wasn't tempted to pop around the other side of the kiosk just to fuck with him. Holiday shopping is the worst and brings out the same in me.

Oh yeah, I got my boots. =)

So, anyone miss my ever-so-cheery blogging lately? Heh...

It's like a preview at the movies...

A post is on it's way but I had to share this. It was sent to me from a friend who works in a Behavioral Medicine Unit (aka Psych ward). I found 'me' on there... what about 'you'? =)

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Oh come on... see the humor, dammit!!! =)

Damn those good samaritans!!!

And their little dogs, too!

Oh wait, wrong thing...

So tomorrow I shut down {sniffle} and disconnect {sniffle, sniffle} my system for, oh, who knows, five days? Eight days? Something like that. {WAH!} Hoping to be back on at the end of the week, but you know what they say about the best laid plans. I'm hoping you'll come back and see if I'm still among the living after the official move, which occurs Tuesday. I wish you all a wonderful week..

And whatever you do, DON'T be a good samaritan! Remember how my door handle came off my car (back maybe two posts)? Well, if I'm just running in a convenience store for a minute, I close the door without pushing it shut. This ensures an easy and uneventful re-entry into the vehicle. This also keeps me from leaning waaay over rendering my posterior high in the air for all to see in what I can only assume is a rather ungraceful maneuver. Point being, some bastard closed my door while I was in getting coffee today. Damned good samaritan! Heh. ;)

For the Grinch in all of us...

... or me, at least.

I absolutely had to share this...


This restaurant chain makes a dessert called 'Frownies' (instead of brownies). They look exactly like the picture with the scowling face, too. Absolutely hysterical.

Given the bah humbug sentiment, it bears a striking resemblance to me; if it only had red hair. Hmmm. Anyway, the one squirrel in the corner looks like he's on some serious meth, too.


Whoever came up with this is brilliant. Weird, slightly left of center, but brilliant! (And yes, I stole the placemat just for this post!)

P.S.: Got the apartment and I'm taking a daytrip (yes, in another snowstorm) to move more stuff out there. Perhaps I'll even stop for a Frownie. Heh.
=(

Maybe yes, maybe no...

...but mostly maybe yes. I think.

Well, I think I have found a place to live. And no, it does not involve a cylinder block and brake pads. I will find out tomorrow, I hope. Worst case scenario would be Tuesday, but it should be Monday.

So, there's only one real drawback and, er, I'll ignore it for now. Otherwise it meets all of my requirements. As you can see, it has leaded glass decorative windows, lots of light, fabulously huge fans in each room, pocket doors, high baseboards, and a mantle. It's all either new and/or restored. And I'd have a private deck in the back.


So, let's all keep our fingers crossed. First, so that I get it. Second, so that I don't meet with a tragic end there. Ahem. Er, have I mentioned the leaded glass?...

Still no idea when I'll be moving officially but I'll give a heads up. Until then I'll just be hopping on blogs here and there. Of course, when I get all settled in and have my internet up and running I'll be stalking everyone regularly once again. Enjoy the silence and infrequency while it lasts...lol.

Oh, here is something I've learned. This is move #40 (yes, you read right) and #41 will be coming along in about 6 months as this set up is just temporary... so, what have I learned? I'm too old for this shit!!! ;)