First, I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. The reassurance helped me realize that although people suck at times, there are others that don't live their life that way. The particular person I posted about lived up to a stereotype but even though it was upsetting, I do believe (somewhere in me) that people can be equally as good. The worst part was feeling a fool... but I thank every one of you who commented. It helped more than you may realize.
So, I was actually holding off on posting until my frame of mind improved. Uh... that may be a while, so here we go...
Once upon a time, oh about 2 years ago, a cute little kitty (maybe 6 months old) came wandering over to me. He was cute and silly and would literally post guard around my rabbit's outdoor home in the summer like a whiskered sentry. If an animal (or leaf) came into the yard, he'd chase it away from her and go sit near her again. Oh his 'off' hours, he'd crawl through the flowering shrubs and sing loudly, pushing his face into the blooms as if serenading the pollen deep inside. I knew he lived next door and one day, the neighbors up and moved... leaving him behind. Well, the course was set and we became 'each others'. I named him Benny Orion... Benny (after a goofy radio show mall guard character, which fit well with his guarding of my rabbit) and Orion for the hunter... as he proved to be the mightiest of hunters. Off to the vet for a check up, testing and neutering and he was the picture of health. For a while. Then he got sick. Kind of sluggish at first, then raspy sounding. Well, it appeared to be an upper respiratory thing and he started antibiotics. Well, there were a few better days but then the bottom fell out. He had a temperature of 106F (keeping in mind that 108F = brain damage) that refused to break. I was up through many nights replacing ice packs and encouraging him to eat and drink. Nothing was working and after further testing, I learned he had Feline Leukemia. I had been a vet tech for 4 years and was able to do various treatments at home that most others wouldn't be able to do. This went on for weeks and after an appointment was made to put him to sleep, the doctor and I decided to try one last thing. We put him on high dose steroids and it saved his life. He had a few relapses, but was doing quite well. At his most recent check up, the doctor was amazed at his progress and retested him for the leukemia. It was gone! That is such a rare occurance! The vet explained that he had been practicing for 20 years and had heard of it but never saw it. My little Benny was one for the record books! As the weather got nicer, Benny wanted to go out. I'm not a fan of having cats roam outside but that was his 'thing'. I tried everything I could to tame the so-called beast in him and he remained the worst cat I've ever known. I threatened to kill him daily with my bare hands. Hands which he bit and ultimately scarred during what he considered a play session. His teeth were insanely sharp, yet he never clawed at me. Most things in my house have been somewhat damaged due to his ability to propel himself like a cannon ball. Something was always a little odd up in that orange and white head of his, but for as much of a pain in the ass I found him to be, he made me love him all the more. Even while threatening him with death. The fact that he beat such odds amazed me and I figure it was out of sheer stubbornness. That attitude was what also led to him becoming an indoor/outdoor cat. He was trashing everything and becoming unhappy at times... I could see the gears in his head indicating it. So the in/out thing worked like a dream for quite a while - best of both worlds. Until last Friday when I went to go see that band. He wanted in and I told him he could wait for the short amount of time I'd be gone and I'd let him in then. When I got home, he wasn't around. I kept checking and calling him, but he was nowhere to be found. I wasn't happy, but I figured that he'd be here waiting for breakfast bright and early. That was Friday... it is now Tuesday night. Still no Benny. I keep looking out the window, thinking I'll see him trotting up the sidewalk, but I don't. He may be locked in someones garden shed, hurt, or even dead. There is no way for me to know. But I am feeling the most intense guilt because if only I would have let him stay on the patio when I left then maybe he would be alright. My actions may have been the cause of whatever has befallen him. My chest is tight and I am fighting off tears constantly. I want my little pain in the ass back. I'm not sure if anyone has really bothered to read this in it's entirety, but I think I had to write it to get it out of my head, come to terms with the facts I know and perhaps to even say goodbye to him.
>^^<
7 comments:
hey there ... don't lose hope yet.
Since you own a cat, you know how amazing and mysterious and tenacious cats can be. Two years ago, we moved to a new house about 1/2 mile from the old house. Maybe 2 weeks later, Jake disappeared after a rare thunderstorm. We searched the 'hood for days and days, checked at the old house, asked neighbors ... nothing. We finally admitted that he was probably gone, and the kids and I cried a bit. After Jake had been gone a month, my son rode his bike to the old house (he did this nearly every day), and Jake comes out of the bushes, meow, meow, purrr!
We got our cat back - I hope you do too.
Cats rule, dogs drool.
Exactly what I've been telling her - cat's have a habit of keeping an air of mystery.
I've known way too many owners whose beloved bundle of fur has suddenly decided to get up and wander off one day - no warning, no goodbye letter, nothing.
If Benny had the wanderlust then he'd have gone whether from the patio, the house or anywhere.
All is can add is to say goodbye by all means, but be prepared to maybe say hello again just when you least expect it......
I've never owned a cat myself (but I lived with some roommates who had 6 of them in the house) and I know how incredibly indepedent they can be. Don't feel guilty about not letting him in either....he sounded like an outside kinda kitty anyway. If it's meant to be, he'll come strolling up when you least expect it...:)
A couple of years ago my cat was let out, as usual but she didn't come back quickly like usual hours became days. We put up posters in shop windown, put things through doors. Nothing. In his wisdom my dad(who doesn't live with us-me & my mum) got another one, which obviously was not a good thing to do. Then one day, about 5 1/2 weeks later, she turned up again. Don't nkow where she had been, but she came back. That time was horrible, not knowing what had happened so I know how you must feel. I hope yours comes back as mine did.
And don't blame yourself, cats do what they want not what is wanted of them. You can't stop that.
I add my sympathy to everyone elses. Hope he comes wandering back.
Awesome point Valhalla!
Also every action we do is towards the ultimate good of the universe!
I'm sorry to hear that your friend, your cat, hasn't come back. It's not easy, I know when Basil died, like I mentioned to you in my last email. Don't feel bad about feeling bad missing him. Cry, feel bad, miss him, you need to let it out...eventually it will get better. But I find missing a pet as bad as missing most people I know.
First, a big thank you to all who read my epic saga and still had the energy to comment. I appreciate the kind words and input!
Fern Canyon Man - 'Cats rule, dogs drool'... love it! Glad you had a success story.
Carpy - They are determined creatures, but is a letter really too much to ask??
Valhalla - Holding out hope can cause pain. I think that was why I wrote this so I could start accepting it, even though I didn't want to give up.
Beelzebabe - Hey! Sounds to me like you've known a few cats in your time. They really are like that but I love 'em anyway.
Stacy - You're right; he's an 'outdoorsy guy'. And you have pups so you know the attachment. We're suckers for them arent' we?
Wraith - There is always a way. A boyfriend that lacks the porcine gene is a keeper. Allergy meds of some sort may make a feline addition possible. Did you know there is stuff that can be sprinkled on the cat's food to prevent the proteins in the saliva from binding, which is what causes the reaction in most circumstances? (I know waaayyy too much about this...)
Motormouth - I agree, not knowing is the worst. Sounds like you went through a hefty dose of it yourself. What became of the 'replacement' kitty? I love their independence, yet it grates on my nerves at times like this.
Jugular - I need new guidelines regarding actions being for the ultimate good of the universe. I appear to have lost mine because I've been waaaayy off base lately.
John - I do recall what you said in the email. I've always been drawn to animals and they become such an important part of my life. I also feel that a pet can have the same effect on you as a person, sometimes moreso as they truly love you unconditionally. Well, if they don't we can't understand cat and dog swearing anyway...
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