I just want to do something normal. I watched television today, that's kind of a normal thing. Not for me, but for most people. I'm trying to latch onto the boring things so I can think of those things when all hell breaks loose. A diversion tactic (to be called upon in the future) if you will. Of course me coloring my hair can be compared to giving Tesla unharnessed electricity. I mix it myself and play with the color all the time. It could be turning green at this moment for all I know. Meh. Still, it would certainly fulfill the diversion tactic status.
As usual, let me just blurt this shit out and get it off my chest. Or at least some of it. This whole drug thing was awful. I was able to sweat (something everyone aspires to share in a blog post, no?) minimally and this would indicate that the damage is reversing although it will take a while. Know how they tell you NOT to leave your dog in the car when it's hot because they can't really sweat to cool themselves? Truly, don't do it. If you do, you don't deserve a pet and also - that is what was happening to me. (Plus all the other effects, but this could have been life threatening.) Well, except I'm not a dog. So point is.... it is getting better and that is wonderful. Never thought feeling like my normal crappy self would be a thing I'd be grateful for but I was so wrong!
Minor irritation - $1000 in car repairs. Approximately the first $400 was to make it go and the second ~$600 was to make it stop. I find that very ironic and really quite funny. It's a machine, things wear out. I don't want another car so I fixed it, done deal. Still, the timing was just bad.
On a very sad note, my cat Benny is very sick. The kind that can't be fixed. He has a fast growing sarcoma that has attached itself to the lining of his rib cage and is therefore overtaking his chest cavity and upper abdomen. It grew inside his ribcage where it was not noticeable until the day it bulged out of the bottom. Kind of feels like a brain looks, but very hard. It is basically strangling him internally. His lungs are already filling with fluid. He is 8.5 years old. He is the cat that was leukemia positive and beat it, but this is not at all related. Beating feline leukemia was honestly miraculous and seen so infrequently that the three vets he sees at this clinic had only heard of it happening, but never saw it. He has had seven years that we never thought he would. Still, I find myself sick with the thought of knowing that I will be digging a hole in the wretched snow and frozen ground ~ which is what I did around this time last year for Isabella. He's holding his own but it's day to day. The moment he exhibits respiratory distress, the only thing I can do it let him go. He has suffered more than his share. Knowing all of this, it weighs heavily on me. I am at peace with it, but I just can't understand how so much can happen to one animal. I'm sure I'll write a post when the day comes and the aforementioned comment will become clear. Doc said max 6 weeks (a week ago) but I think we're dealing with less time.
So maybe then I'll think about watching television. Or coloring my hair.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I live.
I simply do not communicate. I mean, I do, but... just some swirly days, folks. I've missed coming here. My communication has been limited to Facebook (where I rarely use the message feature nor do I keep my 'chat' on). Emails are climbing in number and sometimes I just delete pages at a time. The main reason for my absence was that I'd started a new med (for a sleep disorder) and the side effects were too much to handle. I had to try to push past it, and then the bitch of it was, you can't just quit the med, I had to continue taking it for another week and a half even after it tried to cook me. No really, it did ~ it fucked with my endocrine system and I was overheating. Bad news, this drug. So I'm officially OFF those little bitches. It will still take some time to get rid of side effects as it is meant to stay in your system for a long time, but most of the mental clouding and confusion is gone. What's left is just all me. ;) It's been a really rough 5 weeks. And you just don't get a break, it's IN you. Hmmm. Kind of like ALIEN. Just smaller and white. And more evil.
So. Now that I can actually open the heating vents in my room without fear of triggering the inability to exchange oxygen, life seems better. Although life still goes on and it has me with my hands full. Hopefully when I browse around blogland I can catch up at least a little.
So. Now that I can actually open the heating vents in my room without fear of triggering the inability to exchange oxygen, life seems better. Although life still goes on and it has me with my hands full. Hopefully when I browse around blogland I can catch up at least a little.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Ok, here's one to add to my 'Kick the Bucket' List...
Yeah, yeah, I know - I'm all Suzy Sunshine about things, right? But really, hear me out - this truly won't take long. See, everyone has a now-popular Bucket List, which is a list of things they would like to do before they die. Now. Given that I'm, well, me... I have a Kick the Bucket List. This is a list of things that I've narrowly escaped or just hope that now that I lived through it once, that evens up my quota so I hopefully won't have to do it again.
Today I have a new entry. Today, I choked. Not choked as in 'it went the wrong way and I'm dramatically coughing', I mean I was choking in the way that my food was thoroughly lodged and I could not breathe through my mouth OR my nose. Which I'd like to add is really creepy. By the time it donned on me that I could not handle this alone, I finally got my pharmacist's attention. The other tech said my face was bright red and I was feeling very weird - I figure the weird feeling was more from panic than lack of oxygen. Like a champ he calmly asked me if I was choking, spun me around, and after two attempts of the Heimlich Maneuver, I was breathing. In addition, a lovely wad o' food had gone airborne and splatted on the floor and yeah, there was pee on my leg. Heh. He squeezed hard. That definitely goes on my KTB list!
Given that we are often eating in a hurry, or in separate rooms or left alone - this really could have had a bad ending. He really did save me. I told him I was new at choking and being saved so I really didn't know what I was supposed to say. The three of us laughed about it later (and I was the ringleader because face it, sometimes the worst situations are funny) but I still feel like I need to build him a shrine or something.
Right as I was turning to put my back to him I had this odd thought. It could have been my last conscious thought prior to extracting the offending wad o' food, and I'd like to say that it was odd because of a lack of oxygen to the brain, but nah, I think it's just me. I thought, 'oh shit, he going to be touching me, very closely... is there anything I have to worry about? Like a water-filled bra that might explode'?! I don't even OWN one of those! WTF?!
So there's another entry for my Kick the Bucket List!
Today I have a new entry. Today, I choked. Not choked as in 'it went the wrong way and I'm dramatically coughing', I mean I was choking in the way that my food was thoroughly lodged and I could not breathe through my mouth OR my nose. Which I'd like to add is really creepy. By the time it donned on me that I could not handle this alone, I finally got my pharmacist's attention. The other tech said my face was bright red and I was feeling very weird - I figure the weird feeling was more from panic than lack of oxygen. Like a champ he calmly asked me if I was choking, spun me around, and after two attempts of the Heimlich Maneuver, I was breathing. In addition, a lovely wad o' food had gone airborne and splatted on the floor and yeah, there was pee on my leg. Heh. He squeezed hard. That definitely goes on my KTB list!
Given that we are often eating in a hurry, or in separate rooms or left alone - this really could have had a bad ending. He really did save me. I told him I was new at choking and being saved so I really didn't know what I was supposed to say. The three of us laughed about it later (and I was the ringleader because face it, sometimes the worst situations are funny) but I still feel like I need to build him a shrine or something.
Right as I was turning to put my back to him I had this odd thought. It could have been my last conscious thought prior to extracting the offending wad o' food, and I'd like to say that it was odd because of a lack of oxygen to the brain, but nah, I think it's just me. I thought, 'oh shit, he going to be touching me, very closely... is there anything I have to worry about? Like a water-filled bra that might explode'?! I don't even OWN one of those! WTF?!
So there's another entry for my Kick the Bucket List!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
You know why Christmas bothers me?????
Because I don't know what I believe. I don't. Do I really believe this story that has essentially been passed down for thousands of years, supposedly accurately? Shit - you ever play that game 'telephone'? You can't get 10 people to pass on one simple story and have it end up the same but I'm supposed to fully and unquestioningly believe all this? Right.
Add to that the fact that 'my' Christmas is January 7th! My family is from eastern Europe and I was raised Greek/Orthodox/Byzantine Catholic. Yeah, the strict one - can't you tell? Now, my own family uses those three words interchangably so I really don't know what I'm supposed to technically follow. All I know is that there is an additional slanted bar on 'my' cross and the churches are ornately beautiful. We never shook hands or hugged our 'neighbor' or even acknowledged one another for that matter. We were all sinners, hung our heads, many wore black with black scarves and we sung hymns in Slovak. (On Easter we would literally crawl on our knees with hands clasped together in prayer the entire way up to the alter thingy for communion. Not shitting you. The entire way, on a tile floor, on your knees. Sickos, they were.) Yep, we were a pretty fuckin' happy lot.
And now some dipshit thinks it's a grand idea for me to string lights and shop and sing carols and be jolly. Fuck your jolly right out your ass. I hate the freezing cold, I hate trodding through two feet of snow, I hate some of my family and if I have to see one more store employee with a jingle-bell santa hat or hear Jingle Bell Rock one more time I'm gonna cut someone. I have less than a week to finish shopping for people that I recently punched in the face... how senseless is THAT?! But I have to - thems the rules of this here Christmas shit. Then I get to buy food for a lovely celebration where I will most likely have to beg every cell in my brain to not punch the aforemetioned individual in the face yet again if this holiday goes like many others.
Give me back my gloomy eastern European faith that was housed in a slightly crumbling, ornately gilded church; the one where my grandfather rang the bell with a thick, old rope. I want my black veiled and shrouded elders singing off key in a language I never knew but could recite perfectly for hymns. Give me back my family dinners, the ones where only the people you really wanted to be there were there. Where traditional foods were prepared and the special dishes used. There were even candles that were used only for that day, year after year.
I can't say that I believe anything about my religion any more now than I did then. I question too much. Essentially, I was excommunicated from the church as a child. I still went, I just didn't really count if you were being technical. I don't know what I believe but any bit of tradition has been replaced by things that mean even less and an influx of hideous holiday decor in October. Seriously? Does anyone need to be bombarded with all the glitterfuck that early?! I do not begrudge anyone their beliefs or their desire to run around like an elf on crack, baking and shopping and wearing cutesy appliqued sweaters. What I would like is to just be left to do what I do. I can appreciate what others have put into their decorating and such, I just don't feel the need to do it myself. Not now.
The traditions, the people, the gloominess of it all, really. I miss that. To me, those candles were Christmas. And the bean soup made once a year only for Christmas, that, too. I have my moments when I'm ok with this kind of Christmas, but every year I realize that what I consider to be the important part of the holiday is so deeply steeped in tradition that the remainder has fallen away and there is simply no way for it to ever be again. Sometimes it bothers me that clarity can come so late after the fact.
But seriously, no more Jingle Bell Rock or someone is going to be extracting those bells out of unmentionable places. I will leave you with this... probably my favorite traditional carol redone by a modern band. The vocals are amazing. Not surprisingly, this is probably my second favorite and they do a great job! Give them a listen or you'll risk the wrath of the wayward jingle bell...
Add to that the fact that 'my' Christmas is January 7th! My family is from eastern Europe and I was raised Greek/Orthodox/Byzantine Catholic. Yeah, the strict one - can't you tell? Now, my own family uses those three words interchangably so I really don't know what I'm supposed to technically follow. All I know is that there is an additional slanted bar on 'my' cross and the churches are ornately beautiful. We never shook hands or hugged our 'neighbor' or even acknowledged one another for that matter. We were all sinners, hung our heads, many wore black with black scarves and we sung hymns in Slovak. (On Easter we would literally crawl on our knees with hands clasped together in prayer the entire way up to the alter thingy for communion. Not shitting you. The entire way, on a tile floor, on your knees. Sickos, they were.) Yep, we were a pretty fuckin' happy lot.
And now some dipshit thinks it's a grand idea for me to string lights and shop and sing carols and be jolly. Fuck your jolly right out your ass. I hate the freezing cold, I hate trodding through two feet of snow, I hate some of my family and if I have to see one more store employee with a jingle-bell santa hat or hear Jingle Bell Rock one more time I'm gonna cut someone. I have less than a week to finish shopping for people that I recently punched in the face... how senseless is THAT?! But I have to - thems the rules of this here Christmas shit. Then I get to buy food for a lovely celebration where I will most likely have to beg every cell in my brain to not punch the aforemetioned individual in the face yet again if this holiday goes like many others.
Give me back my gloomy eastern European faith that was housed in a slightly crumbling, ornately gilded church; the one where my grandfather rang the bell with a thick, old rope. I want my black veiled and shrouded elders singing off key in a language I never knew but could recite perfectly for hymns. Give me back my family dinners, the ones where only the people you really wanted to be there were there. Where traditional foods were prepared and the special dishes used. There were even candles that were used only for that day, year after year.
I can't say that I believe anything about my religion any more now than I did then. I question too much. Essentially, I was excommunicated from the church as a child. I still went, I just didn't really count if you were being technical. I don't know what I believe but any bit of tradition has been replaced by things that mean even less and an influx of hideous holiday decor in October. Seriously? Does anyone need to be bombarded with all the glitterfuck that early?! I do not begrudge anyone their beliefs or their desire to run around like an elf on crack, baking and shopping and wearing cutesy appliqued sweaters. What I would like is to just be left to do what I do. I can appreciate what others have put into their decorating and such, I just don't feel the need to do it myself. Not now.
The traditions, the people, the gloominess of it all, really. I miss that. To me, those candles were Christmas. And the bean soup made once a year only for Christmas, that, too. I have my moments when I'm ok with this kind of Christmas, but every year I realize that what I consider to be the important part of the holiday is so deeply steeped in tradition that the remainder has fallen away and there is simply no way for it to ever be again. Sometimes it bothers me that clarity can come so late after the fact.
But seriously, no more Jingle Bell Rock or someone is going to be extracting those bells out of unmentionable places. I will leave you with this... probably my favorite traditional carol redone by a modern band. The vocals are amazing. Not surprisingly, this is probably my second favorite and they do a great job! Give them a listen or you'll risk the wrath of the wayward jingle bell...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Momma always said life was like a box of random... you never know what I'm gonna pull outta my ass
Although I may be somewhat misquoting Mr. Gump there. ::cough::
So, I took a little break. Wanna know why? Of course you couldn't give two shits but you are probably reading this at work and, well hell - let's admit, reading this crap is still better than actually working.
Said I felt tired and incredibly irritable (yes, more eratic than usual). So, come to find out my Ferritin level is doing the 'how low can you go' limbo, I'm now anemic, and my vitamin D level is just about as low as anyone has seen. Next week I see the hematologist so he can ask me numerous questions ensuring I haven't been exposed to Anthrax or Mad Cow then set me up with some iron and high dose vitamin D. I would like that. Then I may not feel like I'm struggling just to breathe. Seems like an easy fix... YAY ME!
I found a goose. He was in the road looking around and I got out to move him - at 10:30pm. Next thing I know I'm driving with a goose in my lap in the dark just hoping it didn't latch onto my lip... those fuckers can be mean. We had a good conversation though - I explained my love of all things canadian to him and he, by default, fell into that category, being a Canada goose by design. Sadly, he did not make it but I tried. Man, he was awfully warm and soft... I totally 'got' the goose-down thing then, but I didn't tell him! Driving with a grown goose in your lap is hard. Really hard - makes turns almost impossible because you have to hold their wings down with even pressure or all hell will break loose. These are my normal nights.
For the first time in my life I punched a guy in the face. Or anyone, for that matter. We were crossing over into sexual assault territory and I gave him three options. 1: back off, 2: keys in my left hand are about to swing up and clock you in the face, 3: I will punch you - in the face. After he pinned me back, I managed to get loose and yelled at him to back off. He kept saying 'ok' but coming for me again - so I hit him - right in the mouth. Nice way for your cousin's husband to treat you, isn't it? Any surprise I feel really awkward at family gatherings?
Found a job, applied for a job, had a phone screening session. They should have notified me by Thursday if they wanted me for an interview, but I've heard nothing. A bit disappointing but in truth, the job may be a bit above me, you know. It's ok - I got out there and TRIED! I'm breaking the chains of my current employer. And if they don't watch their step, I may punch them, too...haha.
Lastly, I just have to comment on something I saw when I was doing some internet shopping. For those unawares, SPANX is a line of lightweight, smoothing undergarments made to really make you look good in your clothes. Needless to say, all women want that, right? But, being a chunky monkey myself, I really do benefit from this fantastic invention. The model they used, however, seems to have forgotten to eat for the past 8 months. Minimum. And they use HER to show how this product works?! Seriously?! What in the hell does SHE have to suck in?! They HAD to have had it pinned in the back... her fucking hip bones stick out so far she could double as a sundial fer crissakes! Now. Personally I happen to think she is too thin. But that isn't the point. She may be healthy and happy... and almost see-through. The point is that she is modeling an item used to suck in extra pounds. Oh puh-lease...
This just really pisses me off. And you wonder where both men and women get warped views of their body. If this 92 pound darling is in need of a modern girdle, so to speak, then what must the average person think of themselves? Sorry, but they could have used a model that looks like she's at least eaten something in the past few months. Her thighs have a canyon-like gap that is not natural. I can usually get beyond this, but when I know how people internalize this, it angers me. I've been in stores and overheard ~11 year old girls talking about how fat their thighs are... and they are little, scrawny 11 year old girls.
Well, that's all the random coming outta my ass tonight. Hope to browse around blogland tomorrow so I can catch up.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Is it 'practicality in spades' or a case of 'I'm stingy'
Stingy. Stingey? I think it's the former. Anyway.
With the holidays come all the sales. Doesn't even matter if you participate in the holiday or not, the sales and general shopping will be shoved down your throat. Sideways.
For just about the last year, my camera has been dead. I don't know whether I thought I could resurrect it because it is currently sitting on a table in my bedroom (collecting dust). It is dead. It has been dead. It will never see life again while in my hands. Yet, there it sits. So anyway - a few days ago I snooped on the internet and bought a nice little 12.2 mp that seems like it will be great for my needs. And will certainly be better than my cell. But the point is, I bought it.
Now, with all these crazy sales, I should be getting myself a computer. Mine is six years old and has been ridden hard and put away wet, so to speak. I'm going from a desktop to a laptop. Eeeeventually. I already bought my mom one for christmas and gave it to her - she loves it. This would be a good time to get myself one. This pc of mine has really earned the right to rest. But instead I'm preparing to renew my virus protection on it in the next day or two.
The new iPod Touch 4th generation is out - which I really want, but don't need. I've seen some great navigation pieces (Garmins and Nuvis and such) but again, that's a want, not a need. Besides, I can still read a fucking map and have excellent navigational skills plus common sense for most travel situations. I wouldn't even mind buying a used one - I'm not one of those people that will have these items attached to me at all times.
But I'm getting away from myself. My mother is not working and struggling with basic bills. I help her as much as possible without offending her. I know I have to change jobs and most likely living quarters, so I need to be wise about how I'd fund that. So I got my camera and in a way that was kind of a big step because the cell 'would do'. Even though it doesn't, know what I'm saying? When the pc dies, I'll swear alot and get a new one then, unless there happens to be an utterly brilliant deal on one tomorrow (Cyber Monday).
My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and would use something until it fell apart - fearing that another would not be readily available. I am not at all that severe in my behavior but I almost feel like something is wrong with me in this disposable/upgradable society, and at this time of year, because I try to not be wasteful nor do I feel the need to run out and upgrade to the next cell or iPod the minute the new one comes out. Ok - the camera thing was just lazy, plus I looked numerous times and just didn't see anything I liked.
So because I can say 'no' to a nifty little gadget, is that practical or stingy? I think I want it, but it may end up tossed at the bottom of my purse like so many other things. I have the money for it. For all of them. But it just doesn't seem like a smart choice. Except the laptop, if I get something that will be first.
Ick - holidays. My sensibility goes into overdrive.
With the holidays come all the sales. Doesn't even matter if you participate in the holiday or not, the sales and general shopping will be shoved down your throat. Sideways.
For just about the last year, my camera has been dead. I don't know whether I thought I could resurrect it because it is currently sitting on a table in my bedroom (collecting dust). It is dead. It has been dead. It will never see life again while in my hands. Yet, there it sits. So anyway - a few days ago I snooped on the internet and bought a nice little 12.2 mp that seems like it will be great for my needs. And will certainly be better than my cell. But the point is, I bought it.
Now, with all these crazy sales, I should be getting myself a computer. Mine is six years old and has been ridden hard and put away wet, so to speak. I'm going from a desktop to a laptop. Eeeeventually. I already bought my mom one for christmas and gave it to her - she loves it. This would be a good time to get myself one. This pc of mine has really earned the right to rest. But instead I'm preparing to renew my virus protection on it in the next day or two.
The new iPod Touch 4th generation is out - which I really want, but don't need. I've seen some great navigation pieces (Garmins and Nuvis and such) but again, that's a want, not a need. Besides, I can still read a fucking map and have excellent navigational skills plus common sense for most travel situations. I wouldn't even mind buying a used one - I'm not one of those people that will have these items attached to me at all times.
But I'm getting away from myself. My mother is not working and struggling with basic bills. I help her as much as possible without offending her. I know I have to change jobs and most likely living quarters, so I need to be wise about how I'd fund that. So I got my camera and in a way that was kind of a big step because the cell 'would do'. Even though it doesn't, know what I'm saying? When the pc dies, I'll swear alot and get a new one then, unless there happens to be an utterly brilliant deal on one tomorrow (Cyber Monday).
My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and would use something until it fell apart - fearing that another would not be readily available. I am not at all that severe in my behavior but I almost feel like something is wrong with me in this disposable/upgradable society, and at this time of year, because I try to not be wasteful nor do I feel the need to run out and upgrade to the next cell or iPod the minute the new one comes out. Ok - the camera thing was just lazy, plus I looked numerous times and just didn't see anything I liked.
So because I can say 'no' to a nifty little gadget, is that practical or stingy? I think I want it, but it may end up tossed at the bottom of my purse like so many other things. I have the money for it. For all of them. But it just doesn't seem like a smart choice. Except the laptop, if I get something that will be first.
Ick - holidays. My sensibility goes into overdrive.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
When I do it, I do it up GOOD!
Unfortunately, in this case we're talking about vomiting. This body does not readily vomit. I will be sick and suffering beyond belief and yet nothing happens. So the finger goes down the throat and I envision licking the sink (or toilet... depending on where I'm hanging my head) and that's all it takes. Really gross yet terribly effective. Well. The stomach jinnis attacked me today and there were, to put it kindly 20+ head-hanging episodes. All I will say is that I will NOT be eating hummus for quite a while (shame) and I've now learned what happens to cheese when it sits in your stomach for a good 12 hours undigested. It really doesn't change much...
Now I'd like to go to bed and my neighbor is apparently having a battle-of-the-bands at his house. Really poor timing. Pretty sure I can sleep through it anyway.
I've ordered a new camera so maybe within the next few weeks I can get some new random pics. I miss doing that. Also, with a little tweaking, I think I'm going to like this new template on here.
Now I'd like to go to bed and my neighbor is apparently having a battle-of-the-bands at his house. Really poor timing. Pretty sure I can sleep through it anyway.
I've ordered a new camera so maybe within the next few weeks I can get some new random pics. I miss doing that. Also, with a little tweaking, I think I'm going to like this new template on here.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Spoiler Alert, haha
There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I mean, I knew this and have said it on different occasions, it just seems to be culminating in this chaotic vaccuum at the moment.
Given some time and planning I think I'll be leaving. I mean everywhere. No forwarding address. For some reason I can't interact with others. Nothing will ever be right with me. These are things I can't change and for as many years as I've been alive, no one has found a way to help me.
I'll leave, reinvent, and struggle again - just in a new place with new people. Maybe I can learn to keep my distance and my mouth shut. Or maybe just one. I can't keep going on hurting people I care about, and even myself. If I can narrow down the list, then I will have met with success.
Something is just wrong and I don't think there is a way to fix it.
Given some time and planning I think I'll be leaving. I mean everywhere. No forwarding address. For some reason I can't interact with others. Nothing will ever be right with me. These are things I can't change and for as many years as I've been alive, no one has found a way to help me.
I'll leave, reinvent, and struggle again - just in a new place with new people. Maybe I can learn to keep my distance and my mouth shut. Or maybe just one. I can't keep going on hurting people I care about, and even myself. If I can narrow down the list, then I will have met with success.
Something is just wrong and I don't think there is a way to fix it.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Second in a series on 'the life and times' of LiVEwiRe
I wrote the previous post first because I knew it would be easier and because I didn't really know what to think about the topic I'm going to write about now. Funny thing is, I still have no idea. But I'm making progress. As I see it, I've got to blurt it out so I can really see what I think. I know there are few people reading this blog these days and I don't think anything I say is really going to shock anyone. If it does, well, so be it. I'll be damned if I'll apologize for the level of odd in my life to anyone.
Background - go here.
And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I had an appointment to get test results. On the bright side I guessed immediately that the doc ruled out lung cancer when he walked in, hugged me and immediately kissed me. Yep - full on, just like last time. This man is interested in me. I do not know of anyone, ANYONE, who has been to any medical appointment where their doctor has given them a lingering kiss four times in less than 20 minutes. Or at all, for that matter. (Still, no molar licking, thank god - this is pretty much awkward enough.) Out of that time, about five minutes was spent with him having his hands behind my head - so our faces were really close. He made comments to me and I knew that he was trying to gauge my response - he wanted to know my interest level. As in, would I consider additional smooching outside work - haha.
So, here's the question - would I? Like I said in the other post, I've had this harmless crush on him for years. I don't think he's available. But I don't know. His circumstances may have changed. I never really thought he'd be so, so, intimate (?) during my appointment. I will say, in his defense, that he addressed the situation at hand, discussed another medical concern with me. He listened to my heart and lungs with not so much as a hint of inappropriate behavior - he was total business. We talked about a diagnosis given to me by another doc and he really gave me some good insight. He was the professional he is paid to be.
So where does this switch come into play? He's made it clear that he's interested. Oddly, he even commented on the fact that he sees me on the nursing floors all the time and commented on my rapport and outspoken nature with the nurses. Ok... so does this mean you're listening and paying attention when I'm around? I told him flat out that I've seen him many times and opted to not bother him because he looked busy. I was respecting his profession and responsibility to his patients. But he knew I was there.
Here's the deal. I do like this guy. In general, I mean. All I have to do is suggest coffee or something like that and it's on. And I don't know if I want that because I don't know his status. I would totally go have a cup of coffee with him even if he is still married - that isn't a big deal, married people do have friends. But even if it's just a cup of coffee, he's a physician... a specialist in the area. Very well known. That simple act could cause him serious grief. The most I'd lose is my job and we all know how I feel about my job. But I have to be ready if he insinuates he's interested in more. Just to say - when I left the exam room he gave me another hug - full body, like last time. Apparently he was really, really happy to see me. And yes, that's what I mean.
I have never had any grand scheme to 'land a doctor'. (Although given my something-always-going-on state of health it would be convenient, lol.) Whether you sweep floors part time or are an astrophysicist, I really don't care. I don't want anyone's money or status. If I like you, I like you.
Perhaps I'll tell him we should meet for coffee sometime and leave it at that. Let him take it from there. Nothing has to happen and I'm not sure either one of us would want anything more to happen. Granted, it was clear that he was pretty glad to see me, but sometimes that's all it is. I do have a feeling that all I'd have to do is say the word and clothes would be on the floor. Really, his behavior was pretty bold, yet he's not a pushy guy. I don't need to be anyone's second in line. Won't be. I'd just like to get the chance to truly talk to him over coffee and see what he's like.
I have to laugh. I really do. It's a bit of an awkward laugh, but I'm finding some humor nonetheless.
Background - go here.
And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I had an appointment to get test results. On the bright side I guessed immediately that the doc ruled out lung cancer when he walked in, hugged me and immediately kissed me. Yep - full on, just like last time. This man is interested in me. I do not know of anyone, ANYONE, who has been to any medical appointment where their doctor has given them a lingering kiss four times in less than 20 minutes. Or at all, for that matter. (Still, no molar licking, thank god - this is pretty much awkward enough.) Out of that time, about five minutes was spent with him having his hands behind my head - so our faces were really close. He made comments to me and I knew that he was trying to gauge my response - he wanted to know my interest level. As in, would I consider additional smooching outside work - haha.
So, here's the question - would I? Like I said in the other post, I've had this harmless crush on him for years. I don't think he's available. But I don't know. His circumstances may have changed. I never really thought he'd be so, so, intimate (?) during my appointment. I will say, in his defense, that he addressed the situation at hand, discussed another medical concern with me. He listened to my heart and lungs with not so much as a hint of inappropriate behavior - he was total business. We talked about a diagnosis given to me by another doc and he really gave me some good insight. He was the professional he is paid to be.
So where does this switch come into play? He's made it clear that he's interested. Oddly, he even commented on the fact that he sees me on the nursing floors all the time and commented on my rapport and outspoken nature with the nurses. Ok... so does this mean you're listening and paying attention when I'm around? I told him flat out that I've seen him many times and opted to not bother him because he looked busy. I was respecting his profession and responsibility to his patients. But he knew I was there.
Here's the deal. I do like this guy. In general, I mean. All I have to do is suggest coffee or something like that and it's on. And I don't know if I want that because I don't know his status. I would totally go have a cup of coffee with him even if he is still married - that isn't a big deal, married people do have friends. But even if it's just a cup of coffee, he's a physician... a specialist in the area. Very well known. That simple act could cause him serious grief. The most I'd lose is my job and we all know how I feel about my job. But I have to be ready if he insinuates he's interested in more. Just to say - when I left the exam room he gave me another hug - full body, like last time. Apparently he was really, really happy to see me. And yes, that's what I mean.
I have never had any grand scheme to 'land a doctor'. (Although given my something-always-going-on state of health it would be convenient, lol.) Whether you sweep floors part time or are an astrophysicist, I really don't care. I don't want anyone's money or status. If I like you, I like you.
Perhaps I'll tell him we should meet for coffee sometime and leave it at that. Let him take it from there. Nothing has to happen and I'm not sure either one of us would want anything more to happen. Granted, it was clear that he was pretty glad to see me, but sometimes that's all it is. I do have a feeling that all I'd have to do is say the word and clothes would be on the floor. Really, his behavior was pretty bold, yet he's not a pushy guy. I don't need to be anyone's second in line. Won't be. I'd just like to get the chance to truly talk to him over coffee and see what he's like.
I have to laugh. I really do. It's a bit of an awkward laugh, but I'm finding some humor nonetheless.
Well hot damn, I got a makeover! But that still doesn't trump my day.
Truth is, this day has been so odd that I will have to break it into two posts. Which, given the order these are being typed, you'll see that disclaimer after reading the other, which will show as the first but actually be the second. Technology is a slippery bugger.
Ok, I went to my cousin's birthday party at the bar where she works. Since I had to work, I didn't get there til 10:30pm, well after the majority of partygoers were slurring and hanging on one another. Meh, that's how it is there. Cousin's hubby likes me. Alot. More than he should. And I'd appreciate it if he didn't try to slip his hands down inside the back of my jeans. He's a nice guy, I actually do really like him as a person - he's got a good heart. It's just those wandering hands he needs to work on. Trying to hang out and talk (everyone, mind you) means you have to lean in close to hear over the DJ. Hands trying to wander in shirt. You get the idea. He told me when I first got there that he just is really attracted to me and finds me incredibly sexy, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ok, obviously this is true because he's been trying to get with me for years. Apparently he forgets he's married to my cousin. I cannot say a word to her. Long story but it would end up being my fault, even if I told her so that she knew what he was doing. Tough situation for me to know that she's in and she doesn't even know she's in it. Perhaps I have to face the fact that some people have odd interactions in their relationships and that it isn't my business. Except that it is because he's all over me. I'm artful in getting out of it and avoiding anything that would seem out of the ordinary to the casual onlooker. Problem is, one day there will be more than a casual onlooker.
But I went, as promised and had an ok time. One shot, one beer and that was it. Stayed a couple hours and drove a drunk friend home. I can't say I miss those days. For the record, grape vodka sounds a hell of alot better than it tastes.
So the night ended, no hard feelings. I'm starting to recognize others as the flawed individuals that they are... that we all are. That I am. It makes it easier to remind myself that I am just as flawed and have no room to judge. I may not like it and have every right to avoid it or speak my mind, but no ones stupid flaws (as such) should overshadow the good they are capable of and live everyday. Does it make it slightly shady and kind of shitty? Sure. But we're all human and that is just what we do.
Happy birthday 'cuz! xoxo
Ok, I went to my cousin's birthday party at the bar where she works. Since I had to work, I didn't get there til 10:30pm, well after the majority of partygoers were slurring and hanging on one another. Meh, that's how it is there. Cousin's hubby likes me. Alot. More than he should. And I'd appreciate it if he didn't try to slip his hands down inside the back of my jeans. He's a nice guy, I actually do really like him as a person - he's got a good heart. It's just those wandering hands he needs to work on. Trying to hang out and talk (everyone, mind you) means you have to lean in close to hear over the DJ. Hands trying to wander in shirt. You get the idea. He told me when I first got there that he just is really attracted to me and finds me incredibly sexy, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ok, obviously this is true because he's been trying to get with me for years. Apparently he forgets he's married to my cousin. I cannot say a word to her. Long story but it would end up being my fault, even if I told her so that she knew what he was doing. Tough situation for me to know that she's in and she doesn't even know she's in it. Perhaps I have to face the fact that some people have odd interactions in their relationships and that it isn't my business. Except that it is because he's all over me. I'm artful in getting out of it and avoiding anything that would seem out of the ordinary to the casual onlooker. Problem is, one day there will be more than a casual onlooker.
But I went, as promised and had an ok time. One shot, one beer and that was it. Stayed a couple hours and drove a drunk friend home. I can't say I miss those days. For the record, grape vodka sounds a hell of alot better than it tastes.
So the night ended, no hard feelings. I'm starting to recognize others as the flawed individuals that they are... that we all are. That I am. It makes it easier to remind myself that I am just as flawed and have no room to judge. I may not like it and have every right to avoid it or speak my mind, but no ones stupid flaws (as such) should overshadow the good they are capable of and live everyday. Does it make it slightly shady and kind of shitty? Sure. But we're all human and that is just what we do.
Happy birthday 'cuz! xoxo
Friday, November 19, 2010
If I told you what I wanted to say, you'd think I was nuts
More accurately, it would solidify your near-perfect hunch that I'm nuttier than you already believe me to be. So I'm going to talk about something else. A few something elses.
I made plans to meet with a girl that I used to be best friends with for a couple years in high school. Lost all contact for many years until a family member ran into her and say, 'Hey, aren't you so-and-so?' and so goes the story. We communicate by facebook grunts and I finally figured shit or get off the fuckin' pot! So we're meeting for coffee this weekend. Whatever. It's either fun or it's not - I'm ok with it either way. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter if it's a one time deal or not. Then I think I'm going to dinner with another friend, got invited to a bar with yet another friend, and will be going to my cousin's drunken birthday bash in just about 22 hours. They will be drunk, I'll be getting off work. I could really pass on almost all these things (and should because I have so much to do around the house) but that's the easy way out. I'm sure I'll do at least two of the four things - that's still awesome for me. Last week I went to dinner and two parties. What on earth is going on here, people?!
This past week and a half to two weeks have been a bit stressful as far as health goes. One more set of big test results tomorrow - hope I pass with flying colors. I'm not really worrying though, because what is, already is. No use in wondering 'what if'. Hoping this particular saga is ending but I still have to retest in six months from last week's saga. I don't mind talking about it, just not yet. No need to put it in my mind before bed. Like I said, what is, is.
Oh, I know what else... guess what I saw a couple days ago? No, come on - a real guess. Well, perched high atop a deadwood, I saw a bald eagle! Yay me! This is the third time I've seen one over maybe 3-4 years but still, it is amazing. It's hunting season - I wish I could hide it from all the yahoos out there that'd like to mount it on their wall but I can't. There is something special about seeing them so close to home, just hanging out.
Lastly, my kitty saga goes on. The little booger I picked up roadside? Well, he's back with me (long story - I'll spare you) but supposedly has to stay outside - the enclosed patio only with bad weather. Well, he's already sneezing and horking and gagging and has quite the lovely runny eye. Fuck. It's clear, so it may not be an infection - perhaps an allergic reaction to all the crumbling leaves and mold outside. He really doesn't have much of an immune system in that respect. So I've got to decide whether to medicate, which isn't the bad part. The bad part is that if he can't stay out because he's always sick, I have no idea what to do. This was his last option before euthanasia. We'll see.
And I'm back in touch with my half sister again. Which I still can't grasp.
And somehow the holidays are coming up. ::sigh::
I guess I just had to say these things somewhere, somehow. Only so much can build up in my head without a release.
I made plans to meet with a girl that I used to be best friends with for a couple years in high school. Lost all contact for many years until a family member ran into her and say, 'Hey, aren't you so-and-so?' and so goes the story. We communicate by facebook grunts and I finally figured shit or get off the fuckin' pot! So we're meeting for coffee this weekend. Whatever. It's either fun or it's not - I'm ok with it either way. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter if it's a one time deal or not. Then I think I'm going to dinner with another friend, got invited to a bar with yet another friend, and will be going to my cousin's drunken birthday bash in just about 22 hours. They will be drunk, I'll be getting off work. I could really pass on almost all these things (and should because I have so much to do around the house) but that's the easy way out. I'm sure I'll do at least two of the four things - that's still awesome for me. Last week I went to dinner and two parties. What on earth is going on here, people?!
This past week and a half to two weeks have been a bit stressful as far as health goes. One more set of big test results tomorrow - hope I pass with flying colors. I'm not really worrying though, because what is, already is. No use in wondering 'what if'. Hoping this particular saga is ending but I still have to retest in six months from last week's saga. I don't mind talking about it, just not yet. No need to put it in my mind before bed. Like I said, what is, is.
Oh, I know what else... guess what I saw a couple days ago? No, come on - a real guess. Well, perched high atop a deadwood, I saw a bald eagle! Yay me! This is the third time I've seen one over maybe 3-4 years but still, it is amazing. It's hunting season - I wish I could hide it from all the yahoos out there that'd like to mount it on their wall but I can't. There is something special about seeing them so close to home, just hanging out.
Lastly, my kitty saga goes on. The little booger I picked up roadside? Well, he's back with me (long story - I'll spare you) but supposedly has to stay outside - the enclosed patio only with bad weather. Well, he's already sneezing and horking and gagging and has quite the lovely runny eye. Fuck. It's clear, so it may not be an infection - perhaps an allergic reaction to all the crumbling leaves and mold outside. He really doesn't have much of an immune system in that respect. So I've got to decide whether to medicate, which isn't the bad part. The bad part is that if he can't stay out because he's always sick, I have no idea what to do. This was his last option before euthanasia. We'll see.
And I'm back in touch with my half sister again. Which I still can't grasp.
And somehow the holidays are coming up. ::sigh::
I guess I just had to say these things somewhere, somehow. Only so much can build up in my head without a release.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Just a word relating to privacy and modern times
Eventually I caved and got a Facebook account this summer. I use it to get updates from musicians regarding cd release dates, concerts... I use it to get updates from stores, parks, businesses and local points of interest so that the information comes to me, I don't have to find it. Of course I play a couple of games now and then and comment on friends' walls as well as send the occasional message.
Now. My settings are minimal as far as who can see what. It's limited to friends and there are less than 50. In Facebook terms I might as well not even have a page because of that. Truth be told, that's too many for me. I have JUST allowed a pic of me (other than in Halloween garb) to be tagged with my name (consequently, only my first and middle names - not my last name, so no one can really search me). Everything appears to be blocked right where I want it to be blocked.
I just found that in two instances, a former friend (that doesn't really get the 'former' thing) has somehow been able to comment on comments I've made on a mutual friend's wall. Now. I am supposed to be invisible to him unless we are on a common page (think Pepsi or Volkswagen). All my settings hold. We know several of the same people. At this point I told our mutual friend that I will not be commenting on anything she says as I do not want this guy up my ass. If I did, he'd be one of my friends on Facebook. I've ignored his request.
Yes, it may seem like an overreaction, but it really isn't. If HE can see me, who else? I've made my life's work maintaining anonymity for safety reasons. It is now a habit I will most likely never break. There were people I had to hide from. Still people that I don't want finding me and for very good reason. Yet somehow this weasly little fucker can see me? If he sees my comments elsewhere and comments on them, I'll have no option but to delete all the people on my account and just keep the public pages.
If that doesn't work, I'll delete the whole account - it's not that big of a deal. Just a few adjustments I'd have to make. And this is precisely WHY I put off dealing with Facebook for so long. Nothing is private, even when it appears to be. There is always some glitch or override mechanism that will expose you.
This is why I like it here. It feels much safer. Why I thought I'd be ok with using a social networking site in the way it was intended is beyond me. Perhaps my pared down version will be better. I do not do well with my privacy being breached. Geez - look how long it took me to put up a pic on here! And it's dark at that.
One day I shall be a hermitess... With a blog. ;)
Now. My settings are minimal as far as who can see what. It's limited to friends and there are less than 50. In Facebook terms I might as well not even have a page because of that. Truth be told, that's too many for me. I have JUST allowed a pic of me (other than in Halloween garb) to be tagged with my name (consequently, only my first and middle names - not my last name, so no one can really search me). Everything appears to be blocked right where I want it to be blocked.
I just found that in two instances, a former friend (that doesn't really get the 'former' thing) has somehow been able to comment on comments I've made on a mutual friend's wall. Now. I am supposed to be invisible to him unless we are on a common page (think Pepsi or Volkswagen). All my settings hold. We know several of the same people. At this point I told our mutual friend that I will not be commenting on anything she says as I do not want this guy up my ass. If I did, he'd be one of my friends on Facebook. I've ignored his request.
Yes, it may seem like an overreaction, but it really isn't. If HE can see me, who else? I've made my life's work maintaining anonymity for safety reasons. It is now a habit I will most likely never break. There were people I had to hide from. Still people that I don't want finding me and for very good reason. Yet somehow this weasly little fucker can see me? If he sees my comments elsewhere and comments on them, I'll have no option but to delete all the people on my account and just keep the public pages.
If that doesn't work, I'll delete the whole account - it's not that big of a deal. Just a few adjustments I'd have to make. And this is precisely WHY I put off dealing with Facebook for so long. Nothing is private, even when it appears to be. There is always some glitch or override mechanism that will expose you.
This is why I like it here. It feels much safer. Why I thought I'd be ok with using a social networking site in the way it was intended is beyond me. Perhaps my pared down version will be better. I do not do well with my privacy being breached. Geez - look how long it took me to put up a pic on here! And it's dark at that.
One day I shall be a hermitess... With a blog. ;)
Monday, November 01, 2010
Forty Six and 2
It started with a bit of flirting. The kind that has no basis, just that you are all in a room together and you've all been talking long enough so that when one ever-so-slightly suggestive comment is made, various people pipe up with their come backs. Just that kind.
There was some slight escalation and I got this super quick, really light (almost not there) kiss from this guy. Kind of surprised because I really get the idea that over the past couple years that I've been vaguely acquainted with him, that he really doesn't care to even be around me. No big deal because I think he's kind of an ass from what I know, which isn't much.
Maybe an hour or so later we were clearing things to clean up from the party and he made a comment about it being a good time to give me my official halloween kiss. I could see where this was going but I let it go there. He was my experiment. A few escalating kisses later and I sort of gently pushed him away explaining that we'd better get down there with everyone else.
I felt nothing. Not one single thing. At all. That's why I called him my experiment. He's quirky, has fun stories, is attractive and is all muscle because of his job (still an ass, but an interesting one, at least). You'd think some kiss time with this guy would illicit some sort of response, even given his tendency to be an ass. Something. But nope. Nothing. I think I've dulled my senses (in that respect) to the point of near non-existence. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But what I can tell you is that when the day comes that my senses do respond, I'm going to be in big, big trouble.
Because it will either work or it won't and I'm equally frightened. Good experiment tonight - and I never, ever saw that one coming!
There was some slight escalation and I got this super quick, really light (almost not there) kiss from this guy. Kind of surprised because I really get the idea that over the past couple years that I've been vaguely acquainted with him, that he really doesn't care to even be around me. No big deal because I think he's kind of an ass from what I know, which isn't much.
Maybe an hour or so later we were clearing things to clean up from the party and he made a comment about it being a good time to give me my official halloween kiss. I could see where this was going but I let it go there. He was my experiment. A few escalating kisses later and I sort of gently pushed him away explaining that we'd better get down there with everyone else.
I felt nothing. Not one single thing. At all. That's why I called him my experiment. He's quirky, has fun stories, is attractive and is all muscle because of his job (still an ass, but an interesting one, at least). You'd think some kiss time with this guy would illicit some sort of response, even given his tendency to be an ass. Something. But nope. Nothing. I think I've dulled my senses (in that respect) to the point of near non-existence. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But what I can tell you is that when the day comes that my senses do respond, I'm going to be in big, big trouble.
Because it will either work or it won't and I'm equally frightened. Good experiment tonight - and I never, ever saw that one coming!
Monday, October 25, 2010
And there you are nailing good to a tree
I don't consider myself more sensitive than most. Or less sensitive for that matter. At least when it comes to things like getting a 'feeling' or 'sense' about something. I'm usually buzzing along at too high a frequency to actually sense it. In the times that I was more sensitive, it was always directly correlating to me being completely separated, (blank mind/autopilot, if you will) therefore I could just react without all the clutter in my head getting in the way. It was only in hindsight that I realized it.
So for the past couple of weeks I can feel something. I have no idea what it is, but it has begun. The air is charged around me and I can feel it. Imagine a drop of water splashing from a stream high atop a mountain. It's path altered by a gust of wind... it's new path set in motion. Everything that happens from that moment on will culminate here... with me. From the moment the water splashes, to the wind rerouting the drops, the leaf it lands on, etc... you know the drill. But it's like I can feel every single bit of anticipation mounting. And I know it's coming. Eventually.
I don't sense bad, nor good - I simply sense it. Period. I wonder but I'm calm. It is in motion. I have nothing to say in the matter just to know I'm the last stop.
I am curious.
So for the past couple of weeks I can feel something. I have no idea what it is, but it has begun. The air is charged around me and I can feel it. Imagine a drop of water splashing from a stream high atop a mountain. It's path altered by a gust of wind... it's new path set in motion. Everything that happens from that moment on will culminate here... with me. From the moment the water splashes, to the wind rerouting the drops, the leaf it lands on, etc... you know the drill. But it's like I can feel every single bit of anticipation mounting. And I know it's coming. Eventually.
I don't sense bad, nor good - I simply sense it. Period. I wonder but I'm calm. It is in motion. I have nothing to say in the matter just to know I'm the last stop.
I am curious.
Friday, September 24, 2010
One Day All This Could Be Yours
Right now it's just this song and a dead stare. Thank you to all who contributed.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A lesson learned. Sort of.
It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am shutting off my feelings, distancing myself from real human interaction and staying in my head more. If you understood the extent, you might be surprised. I can play the game but in my mind, things always stop short. Because I make them. I wasn't always like this. Sometimes it serves it's purpose though. If I were to let out what I've pent up for so long, I'm rather sure it would be my complete undoing. For now, emotional shutdown is a really good option. That's all.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A new, and hopefully singular, experience
Last night, I met my first known murderer. I did not know this at the time but found out shortly thereafter. I'd seen him the night before and when he saw me, he seemed to get even more agitated. (I DO bring that out in people...) But as I was on the psych ward, that isn't uncommon - patients begin to have a comfort zone and when people they aren't familiar with come in, they tend to get their hackles up - it's something new being thrown at them. I get it. I respect it.
But last night he made a beeline for me. Stopped short a foot of me and it began, this broken semi-lucid nonsensical truth. I knew I was dealing with the one sort of person that scares me most - an unmedicated (or undermedicated) schizophrenic. No answer you have is right. They literally hear what they will, visual and auditory hallucinations override reality. All sensory perceptions are off. It is the disorder, not the person. Nonetheless, they frighten me. I answered him very carefully because I sensed this was the issue - I had no idea who he was or why he was there. It is simply my job to go up and provide medications for the patients, not to judge them.
When I went back up to the floor, he got agitated again. It could be anyone or it could be that I remind him of someone. He was asking if he could have someting to cut his fingers off and leave them on the counter. Loudly - he wanted me to hear. He tries to get my attention.
I knew he was a danger but I figured it was aggression/unpredictablity - I had two sizeable men (staff) on either side of me and that was a tip off. One escorted me out. I learned that this patient had just murdered someone in front of a child. When he leaves the hospital, he goes to the court and will be sent to one facility or another. I didn't want details. I didn't care. His own doctor broke down and sobbed after explaining this to the patient. The patient really doesn't have full comprehension of what happened. He is 31 years old.
My heart breaks for him, because he could not get the help he needed. Schizophrenia is no joke. Read up on it. And now someone has died. Been murdered, in front of a child that will live with that every day. Sometimes, I really think I need to get out of this field.
But last night he made a beeline for me. Stopped short a foot of me and it began, this broken semi-lucid nonsensical truth. I knew I was dealing with the one sort of person that scares me most - an unmedicated (or undermedicated) schizophrenic. No answer you have is right. They literally hear what they will, visual and auditory hallucinations override reality. All sensory perceptions are off. It is the disorder, not the person. Nonetheless, they frighten me. I answered him very carefully because I sensed this was the issue - I had no idea who he was or why he was there. It is simply my job to go up and provide medications for the patients, not to judge them.
When I went back up to the floor, he got agitated again. It could be anyone or it could be that I remind him of someone. He was asking if he could have someting to cut his fingers off and leave them on the counter. Loudly - he wanted me to hear. He tries to get my attention.
I knew he was a danger but I figured it was aggression/unpredictablity - I had two sizeable men (staff) on either side of me and that was a tip off. One escorted me out. I learned that this patient had just murdered someone in front of a child. When he leaves the hospital, he goes to the court and will be sent to one facility or another. I didn't want details. I didn't care. His own doctor broke down and sobbed after explaining this to the patient. The patient really doesn't have full comprehension of what happened. He is 31 years old.
My heart breaks for him, because he could not get the help he needed. Schizophrenia is no joke. Read up on it. And now someone has died. Been murdered, in front of a child that will live with that every day. Sometimes, I really think I need to get out of this field.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I just need to say that I hate Facebook.
Why? Because I am weak-willed. Ok, that's a lie. I'm nosey. I only have my first and middle name on the account because I DON'T want people to find me. The few that do are tolerable. Mostly. Some I'd like to drop a giant axe on. Anyway. Why do I care what some guy I went to high school with, and wasn't really even friends with, has posted in his pics? Why do I feel compelled to see what a former friend's 'likes' are. Or what they wrote today?
It is simple curiosity but I don't like it because it reminds me yet again how different I am from those people. I suppose I just have to stop looking and remove any associated people from my account. If they are gone, the temptation to browse through their friends list (knowing full well that I'll see people I know there) will also go away.
Unfortunately I learned yesterday that I work the same shift (different department, but we have contact) with a former best friend's sister. You know, some how I knew she was related to him. I finally asked her yesterday. He's in another state so the possibility of him wreaking havoc on my life is rather limited, but still. I don't like dredging up things I thought were closed. I've never had luck with that.
I know I'm different. But I truly dislike this wave of uber-normality (or the appearance of) hitting me from all sides. But like a car crash - I can't help but look. It just reminds me of all the ways I'm not like other people. Perhaps we are more alike in ways, but I'm just more 'ok' with saying that my life is confusing, chaotic and a total loss at times. Maybe I don't need to keep up appearances.
Man, I really hate facebook. It brings out a very bad side of me. And just so you know - I think I only have only permitted 45 'friends' and to me, that is WAY too many. A person such as myself has next to no business having actual personal contacts on a social networking site. Bad combo. Just sayin'.
It is simple curiosity but I don't like it because it reminds me yet again how different I am from those people. I suppose I just have to stop looking and remove any associated people from my account. If they are gone, the temptation to browse through their friends list (knowing full well that I'll see people I know there) will also go away.
Unfortunately I learned yesterday that I work the same shift (different department, but we have contact) with a former best friend's sister. You know, some how I knew she was related to him. I finally asked her yesterday. He's in another state so the possibility of him wreaking havoc on my life is rather limited, but still. I don't like dredging up things I thought were closed. I've never had luck with that.
I know I'm different. But I truly dislike this wave of uber-normality (or the appearance of) hitting me from all sides. But like a car crash - I can't help but look. It just reminds me of all the ways I'm not like other people. Perhaps we are more alike in ways, but I'm just more 'ok' with saying that my life is confusing, chaotic and a total loss at times. Maybe I don't need to keep up appearances.
Man, I really hate facebook. It brings out a very bad side of me. And just so you know - I think I only have only permitted 45 'friends' and to me, that is WAY too many. A person such as myself has next to no business having actual personal contacts on a social networking site. Bad combo. Just sayin'.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Shitdamnhellsonofabitchmotherfuckingcocksucker!
Ok. That was warranted.
I've been sick, right? Decided I couldn't handle it myself and just 'let it pass', right? So I go to my gastroenterologist thinking I'm in the throes of Ulcer-Fest 2010, right?
Turns out I have Lithium Toxicity. Mother. Fucker. Look it up - turns out it can kill you. Which I knew, I just never thought I'd have it. My levels have been, well, level, for YEARS!
So not only is it a weekend, but a holiday weekend... can't get my doc til Tuesday. All I can do is deal with it the best I can and try to wean myself off without doing it too quickly so as to not cause more problems. Mother fucker. Technically, I should be hospitalized, monitored, pumped with fluids, etc.
Remember the post a handful or so back where I broke down all angry at the new psych doc and how he treated me and that I asked for this test three times and he simply ignored my request?!?! Yeah, remember that fucknut? If he'd done the test (especially since it was overdue) then I might not be sitting on death's doorstep. No kidding, this is a nasty situation. So anyway, I'm pondering what I should do. I'm considering making an appointment, taking the results in to Dr. Sadist, tossing them on his desk then telling him what kind of car he needs to buy me to keep my mouth shut.
There's more testing in the works but I think this should explain 95% of my problems. Imagine, my gastroenterologist catches this while my former psych was content to let it go. I am contemplating suing the bastard and that is something I've never, ever been a part of. Or Dr. Sadist can buy me a car and I'll shut up. Honestly, I don't know how I'll handle it. But he could have literally killed me. Although I'm not out of the woods yet.
And now I may have to go off the one med that saved my life. Ok, then sure, it sort of tried to kill me, ha, but I'm just sayin'.
*sigh*
But for now I am thankful that my GI doc listened to me. He listened and did his job. Even though my ailment was out of his realm.
Thank you Dr. K. Because of you I live to be a bitch another day...lol.
;)
I've been sick, right? Decided I couldn't handle it myself and just 'let it pass', right? So I go to my gastroenterologist thinking I'm in the throes of Ulcer-Fest 2010, right?
Turns out I have Lithium Toxicity. Mother. Fucker. Look it up - turns out it can kill you. Which I knew, I just never thought I'd have it. My levels have been, well, level, for YEARS!
So not only is it a weekend, but a holiday weekend... can't get my doc til Tuesday. All I can do is deal with it the best I can and try to wean myself off without doing it too quickly so as to not cause more problems. Mother fucker. Technically, I should be hospitalized, monitored, pumped with fluids, etc.
Remember the post a handful or so back where I broke down all angry at the new psych doc and how he treated me and that I asked for this test three times and he simply ignored my request?!?! Yeah, remember that fucknut? If he'd done the test (especially since it was overdue) then I might not be sitting on death's doorstep. No kidding, this is a nasty situation. So anyway, I'm pondering what I should do. I'm considering making an appointment, taking the results in to Dr. Sadist, tossing them on his desk then telling him what kind of car he needs to buy me to keep my mouth shut.
There's more testing in the works but I think this should explain 95% of my problems. Imagine, my gastroenterologist catches this while my former psych was content to let it go. I am contemplating suing the bastard and that is something I've never, ever been a part of. Or Dr. Sadist can buy me a car and I'll shut up. Honestly, I don't know how I'll handle it. But he could have literally killed me. Although I'm not out of the woods yet.
And now I may have to go off the one med that saved my life. Ok, then sure, it sort of tried to kill me, ha, but I'm just sayin'.
*sigh*
But for now I am thankful that my GI doc listened to me. He listened and did his job. Even though my ailment was out of his realm.
Thank you Dr. K. Because of you I live to be a bitch another day...lol.
;)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wholesome and pure. Much like me. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.
So, ok. Just hear me out. Literally.
See these wholesome looking lads? Well, I think I may be in love with them. Please meet Joey Jordison and Wednesday 13 of the Murderdolls. Yes, I know.... you're thinking, but LiVEwiRe, have you got your spectacles on? Lost your mind? Had too much to drink? Hit your head?
Wednesday 13
Joey Jordison
The answers are yes, most likely, not now, and numerous times. You can fit them to whichever question you like. Because I KNOW what you are thinking. I KNOW it. You, dear reader, are thinking that these stodgy, conservative, stuffy types are not really my style. What could I possibly see in someone so obviously boring? Mundane at best?
To answer your question, let me guide you for just a moment. Within this link is proof explaining why they tickle my fancy. And here you'll find a behind the scenes look for the first link. Which is rather interesting if I do say so myself. It explains it all. But yes, I know, I know... love is blind.
And soon love will also be deaf. Heh.
!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)