Cankers & Medallions

If I speak
at one constant volume
at one constant pitch
at one constant rhythm
right into you ear,
you still won't hear
you still won't hear
you still won't hear...


During my recuperation from surgery, I thought of all these lovely topics to blog about. Real topics, no matter how skewed they may seem to some. Yeah well, I never wrote them down so that's pretty much gone unless I remember some things by chance. Right now I have so much going on that I don't know where to start. As usual, I think I'll just babble.

Most things I say here will have an up side and a down side. Some will be clear, some - not so much. I may elaborate later. I'm really looking forward to catching up here in BlogLand. Come to think of it, that's how I'll know that my life is back on track! I looked at things and I get really shitty with blogging/visiting blogs when my life is crummy. Who knew blogging (or lack of) would be a red flag of sorts... isn't it usually the opposite? ;)

Anyway. I made it through surgery (like you hadn't caught onto that so far...). Honestly, it was a breeze. I feel fortunate to have had the luck to wake up from the procedure and start joking with the nurses about 10 seconds later. Aside from a bit of nausea and unsteadiness, I was fine. I took my Percocet for the first two to three days but then shelved them. They made me a little tired and nauseous and I didn't think the level of discomfort I had warranted such a heavy hitter in the world of pain meds, you know? Since then it's been ibuprofen and ice on the knee...

Went for my one week (8 day?) recheck and learned that it's doing well but I have to be on crutches another full month. ARGH! Apparently the problem was plural... tendon 'somethingorother' (fixed with a few snips), a torn meniscus (didn't see that one coming!), and enough arthritis to warrant shaving down the femur/cartilage. No drilling but he is worried the cartilage may be bruised/dying or some other term that means big problems. That's why I am on the crutches for so long. But it is healing well and discomfort is minimal so I can't complain. When I go back at the beginning of June, we should know more...

Of course this means I can't work at the hospital. And I left messages (two each) for the manager and the lead tech giving them the info, telling them that the paperwork was being sent to the department that handles the medical leave and requested for them to call me. Neither one has. Wow. A not so subtle way to convey their thoughts, wouldn't you say? Besides, they never even said one kind word prior to my surgery. As far as I know, they never even secretly wished I didn't wake up from ansethesia. Well, for the moment I'm using them for the insurance. When the time comes, I'll tell them to fuck off if they don't tell me that first...

But the school. Oh yes. The realm of higher education sent to rescue me from the common-folk. The kind individuals that sought me out to offer me a place in their little world. Now they were different. They didn't ignore my surgery and had someone prepared to cover my classes. Rather understanding. This has taught me that 'understanding' and 'follow through' are two entirely different concepts. I spoke to a student the other day and found that the person covering for me wasn't there several days and didn't go over more than half of the things they were supposed to, including hands-on labs and three tests. And now we are almost at the end of the module/semester and I don't think enough time exists to finish it. I feel like a bitch but I had to address this with the director. If they hate me because of it, then so be it. Truthfully, it's the students that are suffering. My current class graduates in November but I get new freshmen in one month. I don't think I'll be there for the new ones to graduate but I've committed myself to the current students and I'm keeping that in mind...

And I've been thinking of moving. You might all think I'm nuts. Meh. I'm not fully sure I'd disagree with you. I don't want to weather another Cleveland winter and in some way, I just need to get out of here. Yes, I KNOW I just came back. But, and here's one for you to ponder, although I can't say I regret my decision to move back here, it's been one of the most vile experiences of my life. But I think I had to live this to learn from it...

Today as I packed my things and saw the sadness in my gram's eyes as I did so, I felt like one of those gladiators that would be tossed into the ring with a lion or some such beastie. I was packing up and leaving that safety to face situations that would rather eat me alive than anything else. It makes you question your sanity when you are doing that willingly...

Although thinking of one situation can steer your mind away from another, even when they are both bad. Today I took my kitty Isabella to the vet as she was limping a bit. After her exam, which wasn't too remarkable, we did an Xray. None of us were prepared for what we saw. Her left hip joint is almost not recognizable; gone in some places, large, porous overgrowths in others. It's misshapen and full of holes. It more closely resembles a torn sponge or piece of jagged lava rock than a joint. The vet has two theories without a biopsy. Rheumatoid arthritis or cancer (of the cartilage or synovial/joint fluid). He gave her three to eight months with daily pain meds. An amputation was mentioned. He said he didn't think he ever saw a joint so bad on an animal that barely displayed any signs, or possibly ever. I'm waiting for blood work but that's just to buy me some time. Shock doesn't even begin to cover that.

But there are things in this post that are good. They are all wrapped in things that blatantly suck, but hey, that's often the way. For now, I'm just trying to take in all this stuff. And this is just some. Lots of thoughts and emotions but for right now, I'm just happy that surgery went well. The outcome is undetermined, but the procedure went well. And now it's time for me to rest and come back over the next few days to start catching up. Hope everyone reading is doing well!