Just off the key of reason

True, I'm not evil. Then again I suppose that all depends on who you ask. As time went on in my life, I developed a very dark side but while that was happening, I refused to acknowledge it. That's where the previous post came from. It was the immediate magnification and scrutiny of the person I've become, not the person I was. No longer can I paint a sweet little picture of myself. Well I can, but I know there's more to it under the surface. Others don't know. That's my protection. But I do have regrets, things I would have done differently. Maybe.

The flip side of this is that it made me think of a few things about me that I kind of see as things that a 'good' person would do. Or at least these are things that I do that I'm hoping just don't suck as much. Some of these are just based on being senstitive but part of me thinks that the two can be interchangable.

• I stop to move turtles off the road. Even snappers. That pee on me. Ew.
• On the occasions when I experience something I really like, it's often marked by an overwhelming feeling, tears and the inability to speak.
• I have the same reaction when face to face with one or more veterans (think WWII, in uniform, Memorial Day...). They remind me of what they gave for freedom.
• Without fail I will watch decades old episodes of Matlock and Perry Mason because my gram wants to. And I don't complain, ever.
• I've anonymously made payments on patients' bills at a couple places I've worked. They had very little money and spent what they could on their pets, which often couldn't save them. I made sure there was never a trail back to me.
• When I heard a patient crying alone in her room that she didn't want to die, I bought her a card, hand wrote a message, and placed it bedside while she slept. I didn't tell anyone.

None of these things in and of themselves are things that make a person worthy of being termed a good person. But in comparison, I'd say that it's a step in the right direction. What I see in my little list is that these are things that are good by no one's standards but my own. These aren't things that were done for glory. I mean the turtles never even write... Anyway.

So I see that nothing is one sided. I've made myself focus on this side of me for a moment. It does not, for one moment, change the awful things I've done. It's not meant to. Life has forced me to behave in ways that may not make much sense, but I've done the best I could. Often, that's still not nearly enough. Can I atone? Should I atone? I don't think there's a simple answer to that.

One thing I know is that when I behave horribly, it is because part of me has been pushed. On those occasions when I act out of something good, simple and pure, it is just that. At this time, I don't have an explanation for either. Maybe I'll just have to accept that for now.