When you take the time to sit back and take inventory of your life, you need to be prepared. Truth be told, gleeful ignorance is much easier on you, but you learn nothing. What is to be learned is not for the weak nor is it something that you can forget once you've caught a glimpse.
My mother constantly asks me why I have such a dark, angry side. She's the only one that really sees the possibilities of it, everyone else pretty much knows me a bit differently. Don't get me wrong, I'm one of the goofiest, silliest people you'll ever meet. I love humor and laughter and I smile and I'm polite. But there's something that doesn't fully mesh.
Somewhere along the way the hunted became the hunter. No, that's not reversed. Growing up, I had some terrible experiences. Hell, as an adult I've had some terrible experiences. If you've been around here long enough, you may recall. Many of these things led me to feel weak, helpless, paranoid, numb, filthy, and just wrong. Some are recurring themes.
Fast forward. I have taken the feeling of being preyed upon and flipped it. Perhaps it's because I still feel out of control, but now, instead of feeling like the one being hunted, I am the hunter. I've done things just because I could. I've used that very dark and angry side to create a web that continues to grow. There is a sick part of me that would back you into a corner, leaving you unsure which is more threatening, the gleam in my eye or the flash of a knife blade. Once you're sufficiently terrified, I can begin to back away, to reassure you that it was all an overreaction and even hand the blade over to you in a goodwill gesture. Only when I see a glimmer of hope would I plunge the blade in and gut you where you stood; your hand still wrapped around the knife. And I can walk away saying 'but they did it to themselves - look, their hand is on the knife!' As a twist, I've turned that behavior on myself numerous times. There's only so much control I have, or want to have, over it.
And this is how I've been living my life. I can't figure when things went wrong, really. All I know is that I've done some things that I never thought I'd do. And not just once, numerous times. I became a person that I never would have willingly associated with. Which makes me wonder if that's why I have this duality thing - one part of me doesn't want to associate with the other. How did this start? There's always been a bit of a dark side, but nothing worrisome. The anger is from years of fear. Once that was a safety mechanism but it has since taken over. Add in numerous bad decisions, a handful of hardcore partying years, the bipolar battle, and an almost unbelievable track record with bad/weird luck.
The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that I am not as good a person as I tricked myself into believing. I used to be, but not anymore. So maybe it's karma or something of the like that explains why my life is fizzling. I think I believe that you get back what you put out. And I've put out alot of bad shit. It would seem that karma doesn't care whether you were in a tortured state of self preservation at the time, bad is bad. But I'm partially good so I suppose I do get good back - I figure this because I'm not dead yet. Some days I'm not sure that belongs in the 'good' category.
Survey says: I'm mean, spiteful, and have more anger in me than one person should. Worse, I'm willing to unleash it. Perhaps it's punishment, perhaps I'm simply comic relief for the gods. I'm just looking at the way things have gone and realized that many of the important things have fallen away. Everything is a struggle. Could this be payback for my rotten behavior? I never meant to become a bad person. I spent too much time being hunted then one day I learned I could hunt for myself. Maybe I thought being the hunter would make me forget that after all is said and done, I still feel hunted; always will. I have to find a balance. I'm not sulking, I'm just seeing things for what they are. If I acknowledge it, that's the only way to move on and find that balance.
So remember, when you sit back and take inventory of your life you may realize why you've kept every minute of every day busy, being an overachiever. It kept you just busy enough to avoid looking at a part of yourself that you never wanted to see.
12 comments:
wow... so U are back :D
I will be back to read this and the other new posts soon ;)
welcoem back and hoep the recovery has been fast and steady ;)
I recently realised that I have a very hard angry core that doesn't allow me to forgive. Ever. It stems from the fact I'm always keeping people at a distance, unless I learn to trust them. If they break that trust they break the link between us permanantly. This makes it a little difficult to rebuild my fractured marriage, when I feel what used to be all consuming love turning into something manipulative and controlling. And I enjoy it. Like you said, hunted to huntress, and it gives me power that I'm not in any hurry to give up.
An honest post, thank you.
yeah it is a common sense even a blind-hearted like me sometimes trips into such thoughts. Life is a very weird field!
I know how this feels. Truly.
What you say makes a lot of sense in one way but don't go letting yourself think that you're a bad person, because you're not. You're a good person that lots of bad things have happened to. If you back even the mildest creature into a corner it will lash out, and I believe that's what you've done. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human.
I hope you have someone (a real live person, that is) that you can talk to about this stuff, LW. Yes, like a therapist. Because it sounds to me like you're thinking yourself into an abyss. These sort of thoughts need to come out - if left unchecked inside your head they will become destructive.
You know that already though, as do I. Sometimes we need a bit of reminding though eh?
xxx
At the grave risk of going all cliche on you, Livewire--yes, looking at all our life, and all we are--good, bad, scary, kind, whatever--gives us the strength to go on. Better to look at it, and then try to let it go, than not to look, or to pretend, or to be afraid that "oh no, someday someone will see the Real Me" (translated: the evil monster me capable of terrible things). I think we are each capable of great love and great horror. Everyone. (but I'm not trying to say you are not the special and unique soul you are).
But..I have learned a little from my dogs and cats about present time. Sometimes being in the present helps break the sorrows and chains of the past..and fears of the future.
(and don't I sound all sappy!) You know my thoughts are with you.
Tigress - Yeah, the surgery kept me out for a while but it's going well. I'll have to head over and see how you are; I'm guessing you have the internet hooked up again!
--- - (I know your blogs but don't know what you prefer to go by!) I find that in a way, it's very liberating to come to terms with this discovery. Perhaps by realizing it, that gives us enough to understand it and find new ways to gain that control. Or maybe it's a part of us forever, hard to say. I wish you the best and I'm glad you came by to read this; sometimes you just need to hear that someone else thinks like you.
Dr 02 - You think life is weird? Yeah, I'd have to agree with you on that one. Guess that's what keeps us on our toes.
Anduin - It can be difficult to deal with, can't it? The hardest part is admitting to something that I've avoided for so long.
Terri - I do suppose I go back and forth on wondering if I'm just a horrid, nasty person. At times I am; we all are. But I guess that isn't our entire being. Of course I have to question every bit of it. I don't have a therapist at this time but I have in that past and would like to again. I do have a BeeGees-loving psychiatrist though and he encourages discussion. I think you know by now that I leave little in my head... it all comes out (here) eventually. ;) Thanks.
Jarvenpa - Sometimes cliches are there for a reason - perhaps they make sense. I agree that we all have a number of things that make us who we are. In addition, we owe ourselves the opportunity to explore each facet. We hit a snag when we realize that we've tricked ourselves into believing something that wasn't true. As far as learning from out pets, how true. Often I watch them seeing how happy they are snoozing in the sun, not worrying about tomorrow. My snooze in the sun is disrupted by worrying about tomorrow, even when I know it rarely helps. They are obviously smarter. Thank you. ;)
Hmm, well I think Terri put it best, but to add to that, we all have a dark side, the trick is, when it comes out, not to let ourselves get fooled into thinking we are a bad perso. Everyone does it sometimes, but some people just assume it makes tham a bad person. It doesn't. It just makes you human, and you can use it to make yourself stonger. You don't have to be like that, but you have that inside you if you need it, but you're more than that. Take care xx
Motor - I think for more time than I care to admit, I thought I was this really good person. A bit odd, but good. Now that I'm facing the fact that there is a part of me that is really vile, it's almost as if it's coming as a shock. But it's balancing; like you said it's there if I need it. Hopefully I'll learn.
You know, I amended my profile a while ago and it took my name off, must fix it, as I can't go by --- - makes me look like a total pretentious prat!! It's Jane, btw!
I absolutely believe that being honest with yourself - utterly honest - is one of the hardest things to do in life. Uncovering and knowing who we truly are - and what we have done, and are capable of doing - is almost impossible without a fair amount of pain.
I have found the same truths about myself that you speak of - I have such anger in me, it's not a good thing.
Wow. You've made me think, as you usually do. I have a lot more to say, but I think I need to think about it some more. I'm in one of those thinking states of mind right now that doesn't lend itself well to writing unless I have time to really write... and I don't. Thank you for the gift of thought.
--- (aka Jane) - Thank you! I knew that I knew you, from your blog and 'Monkeys' as well, but for the life of me I couldn't recall your name. I even remember the other pic you had up. At least I know my brain works on some level.
Anne - You are so very right. We tell ourselves that we are doing it but then the day comes along when you realize you've even been fooling yourself. All part of growing I would suppose. But very painful. I'm glad I can make you 'think', I just hope that some day it may be about simple, pleasant things. ;)
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