I've been alot of places and seen alot of things. I've been part of experiences and experiments both. There are days when I'm certain that there is enough residue left to compile a book. Two books. At least. As time goes on I find that I'm grateful for pretty much all of it.
The one thing that always trips me up is human interaction. We sabotage so many things. We believe words that we know aren't true. We say words that aren't true. If you follow the theory of evolution, I don't think we are necessarily the next step beyond primates but instead some genetic mishap. An offshoot that has the primate world vehemently denying any connection.
When you find someone you connect with, in any given way, that's generally a positive thing. You build some sort of relationship on that, trusting that this person is what they say they are. One day, you realize how much this person means to you and you value them just for being them. This is a reciprocal process. You share and you trust and you give and you take.
Until you don't. Something utterly unbeknownst to you shifts. Things aren't the same. Not even remotely so. Apparently you aren't even worthy of the truth any longer. It would seem you are worthy of nothing, because that is all you are given. And so a part of you, me... a part of me rationalizes, cops an attitude and squarely gives you the finger. It may be laziness or boredom or who-knows-what on your part, but fuck you for leaving me feeling like shit, intentional or not. The other part of me will quietly walk away, not wanting to know what it was about me that you deemed unworthy of friendship.
By distancing me, you never gave me an option. Funny, you probably don't even know that I feel this way. In your mind things may still be fine. I can still see you, but you're not there. You've become just another page in the book.
It shouldn't bother me, but it does.
4 comments:
I know this feeling, you describe it well.
"a part of me ... cops an attitude and gives you the finger"
... because anger is easier to deal with than hurt, not so? Embrace it, it is allowed to hurt.
And then move on.
great post! you've perfectly put into words how i've felt lately.
Sounds like you've been hurt and disappointed recently (yeah, I know, brilliant deduction on my part).
One thing I've found happens with me is that I make assumptions about words, that what I mean when I say thus and such a word, and what someone else means, may be very different. Or assumptions about what is meant by "yes" even (trivial but ongoing situation: I will say to my partner of a million years "I need you to be here at thus and such a time, because I have a meeting I am due at (or something else)". Partner will acknowledge my need, and say "sure" or "right" or "yes".
Come the time of the meeting, the dude is nowhere in sight. With--later--"good" explanations.
Still can drive me to fury, though I have learned the hard way to have back up plans if our youngest kid is involved.
Were there not other very good things about this partnership that unreliability, disrespect, and untrustworthiness in little things would have been a deal breaker.
I think when we are in the first flush of a friendship or more we translate everything into "wonderful! this is working!"--sometimes despite reality.
oh, Livewire, I don't know. But I'm sorry you have been disappointed, and hope you find friends and lovers who are worth putting up with.
Terri - You're right, anger IS easier to deal with. Many years ago a therapist asked me why I was such an angry person prone to rages at the drop of a hat. If I had your response then, I think the session may have been much more productive. I'm taking this for what it is.
Kate - I recall you having some similar feelings regarding a friend of yours. If I recall, in the end, you opted to move on and celebrate 'you'! =) I'm not that far along, but someday...
Jarvenpa - I think we all make incorrect assumptions. Some better accounted for than others. In your situation, it sounds as if you've learned to compensate for those times; communication is a tricky thing. So important - you mentioned the little things. That is what can be the deal breaker. In the end, the pros seem to outweigh the cons. I suppose this is just one more thing to add to my list of disappointments lately. Seriously, I'm not sure if I've ever gone through a period where I've been so disappointed. By people, jobs, circumstances, policies with loopholes, you name it. It's everywhere. Lately, I feel like one of those giant Macy's parade balloons thats slowly and sadly deflating. But it's something I've got to go through, apparently. Onward through the fog...
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