This is going to be a bit gross but I don't care... I have to say it.
Girls... this one is directed at you. Boys... here's the truth about some of the girls...
I had to go to the mall briefly today and as fate and my bladder would have it, I had to pee. So off I go to the ladies room at JC Penney happy that there was not a line ahead of me. Well, it didn't matter that there wasn't a line, I spent just as much time getting to my target location as if there had been. Here's what I found:
- Stall #1: No functioning fixture. Apparently the toilet was malfunctioning and was not able to flush since about 1989. This did not, however, stop hoardes of women from using it anyway. Now, getting personal here, if I see a toilet that has been used and not flushed, I do not feel compelled to step in and use the same one. Unless I am delusional and think I have 'magic pee' that will get everything working again. And yet it would seem that numerous women felt it sensible to sit on this festering filth and add to the offerings.
- I told you this was gross...
- Stall #2: Out of Order... complete with sign made of torn cardboard and magic marker.
- Stall #4: The Handicapped Accessible (which I usually do not use) stall was not such a good option as the floor was soaked (with what I have no idea) and I could see that without going in. Back to...
- Stall #3: By this time I have to pee so damn bad that I'm about to use the sink but opt for the trash can instead. Again I reconsider and go for the stall. Upon entering this dark, cave-like structure, I sense a general feeling of normalcy which then triggers a sense of soon-to-be relief for my anxiously awaiting bladder. Sheer delight fills me as the button on my jeans slips through. The funny thing about women's bladders is that as soon as they 'think' they can pee... they want to. There is no telling them to wait once you pass through a stall door. One hand carefully deposits my purse onto the appropriate hook as the other urges my zipper further down. As I reach to place the protective seat covering down, I see it. Pee. On the damned seat! Ok, I suppose that the theory many women have is that instead of sitting on the seat, they 'hover'. This is gross. I'm not a rocket scientist but I've found a way to remedy the situation of coming into contact with a toilet seat. It's called putting down copius amounts of paper or one of those little sanitary paper ring things. Christ. You know... for you 'hoverers' out there that don't want to sit on the seat, what makes you think I welcome the thought of sitting on your urine?! You can still use the paper if you hover to catch those little pee drops that inevitably make their way to the seat. Or here's another idea... wipe the seat. Again... if you think 'ewww, pee...', it's your pee, idiot! If you don't want to touch it, why should I want to?
- In the end, things all worked out and the boycuts remained dry... thankfully! It was kind of questionable there for a bit.
Yes, I know that may have been a bit more than you cared to know about the fascinating goings on behind the ladies room door, but I had to vent. And for all the guys that are tired of getting bitched at for leaving a pee drop on the seat... go ahead... ask her if she's a hoverer. I dare you. If she is, she's most likely done her fair share of peeing on the seat. After all, at least guys have the sense to look where they are aiming.
Completely unrelated (thank goodness), check out what Carpy did with his Googlisms! Such a wonderfully creative job... you should really check it out!
19 comments:
In the beginning of my wonderful retail career (and truth be told, even sometimes now) one of my jobs was to clean the restrooms. And I have to tell you, the ladies room was always more of a mess than the mens...it was an eye opener let me tell you. Some of the stories I could tell you....ewwwwww for sure.
Yes, I concur, Eeew. Although, men's bathrooms in my experience generally have a horrid stink anyway, even if they are less of a mess. I don't know, human waste is human waste, no matter who it comes from, and some people are just... careless, I guess?
Thank you for telling it like it really is!
We should share gross memories, sometimes. It'd be... purging, I guess.
Yup, totally an ewwww.
I am stunned... really I am. I am from Africa and you can prolly guess that I have seen worst there is to see (no details), and still I am stunned. Since 1989 you say?!!
There's Guiness world record in there... somewhere.
you should learn to pee standing up. you kind of have to arc it, but i know some chicks who can, and it probably comes in handy now and again.....they were guides on the river, so i think they did it over the side of the boat as they went along....
I never even imagined woman would be able to piss on the seat.
But there you go.
Being a guy [or bloke as we're referred to over here] and being English .. squeamish? Pah!
So if that bothers you .. whoa! Have I got some tales to tell.
Put it this way, using a stall is the last thing you want to do.
If you must, keep your elbows in, stand well back, keep the door open [assuming there is one] and if you've made the mad mistake of coming out in your best shoes, stand on your tip toes or you'll never get the shine back on the leather...
Despite the topic... it's kinda refreshing to hear stuff like this, actually. :-D
'Hoverers'. Heh. You learn something new everyday. ;-)
So totally true!!!
John - Yes, restroom detail is a sobering experience. For some reason people tend to go along with the idea that women are always so tidy about it all. We know better, don't we?
Hans - Men or women, it matters not as you say. Women just love to point the 'I'm neat and you're a slob' finger at men and in this case, it's not always true. But sometimes it is. I have high standards for the human race, what can I say? =)
Valhalla - They are handy to have but there are times I'd rather find a nice leafy tree. Ablutionary... interesting choice of words! All in all, I DO enjoy the convenience of not having to search for a leafy tree...
Beelze - Oh thats rich... getting spammed while mid-piss! And you know, I could use one of those funnels. Then again maybe not; I might not be a responsible funneller. I'd need 'Funne;;ing 101' along with strict follow up. Meh, who am I kidding... I'd be whipping out the end of the funnel hose everywhere! =)
Anne - Thanks for the visit! Yeah, I have a habit of being pretty upfront with things. Sure, I'd like to keep up the image of us girlies being all flowery and sweet, and I'm willing to do that... just don't pee on my seat and I won't be forced to reveal all. =)
Jay - I know. I bitch about how gross it is then I make sure I relay every detail... hmmm.
Chitty - Yes, horrid isn't it? 1989... carbon dated actually! And if there's a Guinness record in there... I'm not putting my hand in to search! =)
Mr. Decko - Welcome! If I peed standing up I'd only accomplish a warm leg, pitifully soggy sock and rather large puddle beneath me that I'd only be able to hope would take to the shape of my shadow. Of course, I'd have to stand there and not move til it dried. I'm impressed with arcing it over the side of a boat. Wonder what the people they were guiding thought of that?!
Wayne - We can do many things. As you've just learned, some of them are not pretty. So are you insinuating that English blokes are of the non-squeamish variety? Hmmm... I'll have to find a way to test this theory. Although you have a creative approach to this quandry, I'm afraid I may not be the best to try it out. I personally (yes me) broke my leg while peeing... I can see disaster written all over your theory due to my ill coordination. Hell, someone else might even break a leg.
Banzai - Nice to see you! I know... I told the truth about girls not being all hearts and flowers. Bad me. But I guarantee that you will have the topic of 'hovering' come up again now that you've had your introduction!
Stacy - Terrible to admit to but I'm just glad that there are others that can admit it, even if it hazes our perfect images {cough}! Think they need HA...Hoverers Anonymous? =)
the best advice on this topic comes from my ostentatious great aunt, who had a little tidy sign in her OWN bathroom which said:
if you sprinkle when you tinkle:
keep it neat, wipe the seat.
would that everyone did! there is an art to peeing standing up.
Lovely to have a little mention - thank you !
Not so sure about the fact I appear behind urine and blocked toilets ! ;o)
have you even seen trainspotting? it's a british (scottish even!) movie so probably not. but the toilet sequence in that would make your little escapade seem positivly heavenly by comparison. go see if you havent already.
Aha! Women are not as saintly when it comes to such matters as they make out!!
I work in a small office of mostly women, and any time I go into the bathroom the seat is covered in pee. There is one male suspect, but I have a feeling that it is the work of one or more female hoverers.
Just Rose - Nice to see you! You know, I must learn how to do this 'peeing standing up' thing. Just don't see me being coordinated enough to carry it out.
Carpy - it was either at the end OR sandwiched between the title (Just a quick Eeeeewww) AND the urine and blockage. I thought I chose the lesser of two evils. Hard to recommend that someone visit a site right after the word Eeeeewwww.... =)
Prisoner - (do I need to formally address you with 'the'?) I haven't seen Trainspotting but heard good things about it. Perhaps I was waiting for this moment and will have a greater, although perhaps grosser, appreciation for it! Thanks for the tip.
Motormouth - Sadly, we are not. Well, except me of course. I'm all hearts and flowers and girly giggles. Hahaha... even I can't lie that well!
Skrambled - I'm sorry you experience it but I sort of like knowing that there are GUYS out there that know the truth. As one of two (right?) men, it really increases the chances that it is a female, yet it will be vehemently denied. And I know it's not you... remember; you're the good egg!
Wraith - Are you even SERIOUS?! Under 'prerequisites' does it list waterproof shoes? I would just hope you didn't have to pick a lab partner. Oh, to not have a line at the restroom...
Jenn See - The dreaded port-a-potty. I have a fear of them. I think it stems from my vertigo... they never really rest solidly and those ever-so-slight shifts make my vertigo take off like a gyroscope. I immediately think it is going to tip. In that scenario, I do an impressive 'speed pee'.
"Really the ability to easily pee standing up is one of the only reasons I'd want to be a man... that and the fact that their toilets never seem to have a line."
That's because if things get really busy, you end up pissing in the sink.
Or is that just me?
Nah, I know lots of guys that've done that. I'd try it but again with the lack of coordination thing...
eKapa - Victoria Falls stream... kind of impressive in a way. Now, I cannot even understand using a public restroom with no shoes on. I agree with you, repulsive indeed! I've got to shake that image...ewww.
Wraith - I say this with a genuine smile on my face; I don't think Wayne would be one of the shy ones. although he might give you pointers!
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