I'm trying to identify the defining moment but I'm not sure if there was just one. I'm beginning to think that this feeling has been sidling closer and closer, unbeknownst to me, until the day came not so long ago when I felt a heavy, unsettling pall cast a shadow across my path. It hasn't lifted since. Conversely, it has bought other shadowy friends.
The moment I'm trying to define is when exactly I stopped liking my job. There are huge changes going on but I don't think that is the reason for my discontent. This is a bit of a twist on the typical job gripe and I would be grateful for any light you could shed. It's a tough one because I work in a hospital and I am a Certified Pharmacy Technician. This is a position with great responsibility and my uncertainty toward it cannot be taken lightly. Little more than two months ago I was giving several 'talks' to the current students at the school I attended for my CPhT education. I was bouncing off the walls with excitement explaining what I did as part of my job. Honestly, I think that my enthusiasm and willingness to so openly display my responsibilities was the beginning of the end. I had to personally scrutinize every aspect of it.
Even though I knew it before, it made me take notice of how people's lives were being placed in my hands on a daily basis, especially making IVs and TPNs for the most ill patients. My Pharmacists trust what I do and my accuracy is highly regarded; but I feel like it isn't enough. What if my accuracy fails one day and something I do contributes to a set back - or worse. When I go on rounds and see these patients, especially the elderly, pediatric or long term ones, I feel so inadequate. I see a void called vulnerability in their eyes. I put on my happy smile and continue but cannot help realizing that I am helping to fill that void. The only problem is, will it be enough? They smile weakly, I return with a kind and warm smile. They see me with the meds and IVs and they know that even though it might be a hassle, or painful, or nauseating, the meds will help and I can see that in their eyes. It's hope. Goddamned hope! Right there on my med cart. But the problem is that I can't see it like that anymore. To me, that hope is at the far end of a tunnel and pulling away fast. But I can't let anyone see that so I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like it's either lie to them or lie to myself. I suppose I'm choosing to lie to myself.
Let's flash back, oh... 14 years or so. I worked in a hospital in Pittsburgh, PA as a temp filling in for someone in the lab. I fell into this job and had none of the qualifications they were looking for. Other than a pulse. After a 10 minute conversation with the head Pathologist, he wanted me there (I must've been a real charmer!) and so I stayed for several months. So there I was, a recent art school grad looking for related work ending up in the lab of a teaching hospital for the University of Pittsburgh (Pitt). Out on rounds one day I heard the most plaintive, desperate little sound. I could hear it growing louder and louder but there were no nurses near so I approached the door where the the sound was emanating from. Here was a confused, frightened, most likely sedated little old lady crying out that she didn't want to die. Over and over and over, just rocking gently. She quieted down and I almost had a thorough meltdown. I'd never felt so helpless regarding another human being. Being the foolish 19 or 20 year old that I was at the time, I went to the shop, bought a beautiful blank card and took it back to the lab with me. I searched for her name and wrote her a card. It was nothing brilliant - I didn't know her, but I sure knew she didn't want to die. I'm sure it was just a line or two but it was just to convey a simple thought that tucked away in her fear and illness, someone cared about her. Even though it was just me and I didn't know her, I couldn't let her think she was alone. I quietly placed the card at her bedside table on my next round without anyone seeing. Although I did whisper something to her; she is the only one, other than me, that knows what it was. I hope on some level she understood. [And so began my on-again off-again career in the medical field.]
Back to present day. I am feeling that same kind of helpless feeling again. Maybe the gods mock me and wonder when I'll finally catch on, perhaps it's general stress creeping up, or it could be that someone like me is exactly what the patients need... someone to view them as people; not account numbers, the '10am rounds', room 212-1, or any number of non-entity kinds of indentifiers. I take what I do seriously and how I do it even moreso. Something is shifting though, and I am feeling that helplessness again and that triggers distancing. But I can't do my job like that and I really don't know what to do about it all. If anyone has bothered to read this saga, I would like to hear any suggestions or input you may be able to provide. I obviously need some help with this one.
13 comments:
god i love to give advice, even when it is useless, and you actually asked for it, so strap your self in and hold on tight....
so you are a licensed drug dealer, kick ass! the fact that you are concerned about your attitude towards it is proof that you do an excellent job and care about your job, which is rare and should be rewarded and applauded (i applaud). but no one can keep up a level of enthusiasm, no matter what, there are ebbs and peaks and valleys and all that....one thing about the medical field is: it is the patient's pain, not yours. you are not responsible and have to know that. dont let the compassion you have take you over, you will lose....
....what i am trying to say is: there is nothing wrong with dehumanizing it, it is a coping mechanism, dont feel guilty. but if you cant be that way, then perhaps you need a break. everyone gets burned out after a while, and sometimes you just cant go back and that is ok....but if the stress gets too you, and going to work is a chore, then the work suffers and you will feel bad and its a downward spiral. the last bit of advice i will give, and this is the most important part so listen closely.....i have no idea what i am talking about so dont listen to me...
one last thing (sorry, feel free to delete these)..maybe you need to spend some time "off the street" and teach...pass on your knowlege and love of the job to the young ones coming up....is that possible? become an instructor, this way you are still part of it but you dont have the pressures and questions, and maybe after a while you can go back to doing it...?
Well, I was going to post something meaningful and insightful to get under the skin of your problem (if it is such a thing) but 'arthur decko' has it nailed.
Between those three posts they've pretty much covered it from every angle.....which leaves this post well meant but redundant ! ;o)
i've learned to listen to the moment when things shift, even if it's whispering and i'm not sure what it's about. however, it always brings with it something better, or a new way of seeing. sometimes, though, in that space before you know what's next, stuff is a little scary or unsettling. i had a journal-writing teacher right in the shadow of the cathedral of learning in pittsburgh many years ago, perhaps when you were nearby? -- who said that silences are just as important as shouts. this is airy fairy but, if i may be so bold as to say: trust yourself. the rest will follow.
oh and off topic but, would it be okay if i gave you a link?
Mr. Decko - First... careful when you tell me to strap myself in and hold on tight, I get distracted after reading those words! =) Thank you for applauding me; I really do try to be so diligent. And it's mainly just that I do what seems right to me and I do care. I think I am at the place where you mentioned the compassion taking over, although there is a healthy portion of me that does have to dehumanize lest I have a meltdown. Interestingly, there may be an offer to teach coming soon. It's all a matter of how long I can hold out until then. If I didn't feel things so intensely, I wouldn't be in this situation. Then again if that would be the case, I wouldn't care as I do and it just wouldn't be me. And thanks for truly thinking about it and giving advice (in 3 posts-[grin]), other views really help me.
Carpy - Thank you! And yes, it is hard to say whether it actually is a 'problem' or not. Just some soul searching and sorting out I suppose. Yeah, that little bunny up there is a kick ass typist, eh?
Beelze - I am always caught up in the "shoulds"... always. No matter the circumstance, I always feel like I 'should' be doing more, or 'should' be able to handle it. All based on what worked for me in the past. Then I beat myself up for it. God you guys are smart.
Rose - Isn't the cathedral wonderful? And who knows, we may have been there around the same time... wouldn't doubt it a bit! I used to pay attention to the silences and somehow I lost that ability. It's still there, I'm sure but I need to learn to listen again. With this situation, I did notice some shifts but kind of wrote them off as other things. I'm a smart girl but I've forgotten alot of the things that make me who I am because I've been focusing on the wrong things. And I know I have. Gotta get back in the groove I guess!
I think everyone questions their life path every once in a while. No one can really tell you what to do when you're feeling this way - but eventually, you will figure it out for yourself.
Well, it looks like you've already gotten some good advice. I was going to suggest looking for a teaching position before I saw you mention that there might be an opening. It really seemed like you enjoyed that.
Well, there isn't much left to say except that over here in Britain, I don't know about over there, or anywhere else, sometimes you feel like the people who are around you, doing all these important jobs, sometimes with peoples lives in their hands, sometimes just their comfort, just don't really care. Of course there are those that do, but some don't have that compassion that you obviously do. The fact that you are in the place you are in at the moment mentally means that you care, really care, and that is something you should think about when considering what you want to do. If you are good enough to have been doing what you are doing for as long as you have, you must be damn good at it, and I'm sure those patients who you look in the eyes of would agree. They want someone that knows what they are doping and cares about them. To me you sound perfect for your job, because if you care, and are always dilligent, you are less likely to make a mistake. Anyway, what I could suggest(you asked for it!) is that you, as others have said, take a break and go back to teaching others, hopefully making them care like you do, and maybe after you have had a break from it, you can really get a full view of what you want to do. What you don't want to do though, however good you are at it, it be in a job in which you are truly unhappy. Life is worth more than that. Wow, I rambled on a bit there. Whatever you do, and whether any of that was of any use or anything, I hope you sort it outb soon, and go back to enjoting what you do!!
Jay - I will figure it out. I'm too stubborn not to, but it is good to hear ideas that I hadn't thought of. New perspectives make you rethink things.
Skrambled - I think I may try to see what I can find out about teaching. We all know I can talk forever, so maybe I can use that and put it to good use. Teach things the right way!
Motormouth - That's exactly what I don't want to become, the one that makes it clear that she doesn't care. And like you said, I DO care, I just fear that I may care 'too much'... not for them, but for my own well being. That's why I want to carefully make decisions based on me being happy, not getting to the point where I hate it and regret my choices. And hey, I like rambling comments, no prob! You're pretty smart for a 'youngster'... =)
BillyJoeBob - Hello again! Thank you for the fresh perspective. Your response reminded me of one I might have received from a friend of mine that was also terminally ill and has since passed on. I think the gray area for me is where to draw the line. In order for me to be successful in my job and it's responsibilities I can't get too involved. Yet I personalize everything and one look into someone's eyes gives me that link. Suppose I just need to find a happy medium, eh? I tend to be a very intense person (in different ways) and it is difficult for me to go against the grain, but if I don't, I'm afraid it will take a great toll. Thank you so much for giving me another approach to thinking of this. And for the hug... those are always welcome! By the way, do you have a blog anywhere? I know you have a profile but I see no blog. Wondered if you were imparting words of wisdom somewhere other than Blogger? Be well; hope to see you again!
The ratio of intelligence to stupidity in the town I live in is about 1:40. This makes me more determined not to be an idiot.
Post a Comment